Would I Lie to You? (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Episode #1.2 - full transcript
Chrissie Swan, Chris Taylor and Frank Woodley have assumed their positions on the panel to help work out whether this episode's stories are fact or fairytale.
(THEME MUSIC)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Hello! And welcome
to Would I Lie To You?,
where we ask for the truth, the whole
truth and nothing like the truth.
I'm Chrissie Swan,
and joining me are two teams
who will take turns telling stories.
It's up to the opposing team to
determine whether the story is true
or if it's a lie.
The team with
the most correct guesses wins. Easy.
Captaining tonight's first team,
from the satirical comedy group
The Chaser, it's Chris Taylor.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Chris's first teammate
is a 'MasterChef' judge
who is always eating food that
other people have prepared for her,
yet not once has she offered to do
the goddamn washing-up.
It's Melissa Leong!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
And a comedian who could be called
Warrnambool's favourite son
if it weren't for Jonathan Brown,
Tom Ballard, Paul Jennings
and the guy who collects the shopping
trolleys at the local IGA,
it's Dave Hughes!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Absolutely. I'd say...
I'm not even my mother's
favourite son.
And captaining our second team
tonight,
it's comedian Frank Woodley.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Joining Frank is a Welsh comedian
who's just become a new dad.
Yes, he's thrilled to have a little
bundle of joy come into his life,
and even more thrilled
to have an hour's worth of
parenting jokes come into his act.
It's Lloyd Langford.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
And a woman who may not have won love
on 'The Bachelor'
but she did win hearts in the jungle,
which, unfortunately, on that show,
they made her eat.
Please welcome Abbie Chatfield.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Alright, time to play.
First up is Home Truths,
where our panellists each read out
a statement from the card
in front of them.
The card will either contain a truth
from the panellist's real life
or something we just cooked up
for them,
but they won't know
until they read it aloud.
It's up to the opposing team to sort
the facts from the fabrications.
Frank, you're up first.
FRANK: Oh, OK.
I'm already excited.
A psychic once told me
that in a past life
I was a champion racehorse.
(LAUGHTER)
Right. Um...
Alright, Chris's team.
Where were you when you visited
this psychic?
Um, I was...I was living
in Melbourne at the time,
in Northcote at the time.
It was when... It was in my mid-20s.
Were you a regular psychic visitor?
At that stage in my life,
I was sort of exploring
various different kinds of, um...
Bullshit?
(LAUGHTER)
What was the psychic's name?
The psychic's name...
I think...I think it was
Madame Flafleski.
If I... I might not
quite have that right.
It might have been Madame Blabliski
or Madame Hlahaski.
It was one of those faux Russian...
Russian or...
It is possible that she just
sneezed and I misheard.
(LAUGHTER)
Was Madame Flafleski sort of in a...
in a tent, like, with a crystal ball
or was she...
Where did Madame Flafleski work?
Was... At Flafleski R Us? Or...
It was in a...at
the Edinburgh Gardens.
There's a...once a year, there's
a big community arts festival
and they set up tents
and stuff like that.
A suburb that used to be
full of people
who would go to psychics,
I would imagine.
I'll be honest, I'm imagining you
as a racehorse right now.
You look...you look quite horsey.
Yeah.
And when I get excited...
I can imagine you going fast.
I know. I've got... Don't you think
I've got that feeling of...you know?
ABBIE: Majestic.
MELISSA: So how did you feel...
(LAUGHTER)
CHRISSIE: Yes.
Yeah.
And I...from this angle,
I'm imagining the photo finish
and you're winning by a nose.
(LAUGHTER)
Um...
Did she say you were a gelding or...
(LAUGHTER)
Does that mean...does that mean
you've had your bits cut off?
CHRISSIE: Yeah.
Yeah, no, we didn't...
There was nothing to do with that.
(RUSSIAN ACCENT)
"Unzip your pants, Frank."
I am...
I should say, though... Just...
I don't know if this adds
to the plausibility,
but I am hung like a horse,
but unfortunately...unfortunately
it's a seahorse, but, yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
So she said...she said
you were a famous racehorse.
Did she tell you
which famous racehorse?
She said I was a famous racehorse
that had won the Kentucky Derby.
Seabiscuit.
She did say that at one point
but she was just offering me snacks.
(RUSSIAN ACCENT)
"See biscuit? Eat biscuit if want."
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
No, I wasn't Seabiscuit.
You're not gonna believe this.
(ABBIE LAUGHS)
She said, and I've remembered it
ever since,
she said, "Your name as a horse
was Keyser Soze."
(LAUGHS) No, she didn't.
No, Kaiser. She said Kaiser.
Is that... I wonder
if that is a horse.
That is a horse. And I'm it.
Could be. Yeah?
(LAUGHTER)
Apparently.
And in what...like,
in a previous life
was as Kaiser winning
the Kentucky Derby.
Yeah, I think in, like, 1912
or something like that.
Just before the...or during
the First World War, maybe.
Famous German-named horse...
Caesar!
Not Kaiser, Caesar.
Caesar.
Very similar.
MELISSA: Yes.
I don't know a lot
about how psychics work
but I always thought
they project forward.
They tell you your future, not
what you were in a previous life.
So why on earth
wouldn't you be disappointed?
You've gone to a psychic
and learnt nothing of your future.
Maybe, uh, Madame Flafleski...
..looked into Frank's future
and thought,
"I'd better focus on the past."
(LAUGHTER)
That I can believe!
That I can believe.
CHRISSIE: Yeah.
Um...
We're basically being asked to rule
is a bullshit industry a lie
or true?
DAVE: This is the lawyer
coming out in you.
Sometimes you've just got to
put all logic aside
and just hope for a better future.
No, I found...
(LAUGHTER)
If Madame Flafleski's true, I think
Madame Flafleski's a fleecer.
She's absolutely...
Yes, but that's not the question.
That's not what we're being asked...
Let's believe.
I'm saying lie.
You're saying believe.
I'm saying lie.
Sorry, Dave, I think we've got lie.
Lie.
Lie.
I think he's about to
give a nation hope.
I think we're gonna say it's a lie.
It's a lie? Alright.
Frank Woodley.
Let me look into the future.
Is it a truth?
Oh, in the future,
I say that it's a lie.
(CHIMING)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
He had me. It's a lie.
Hughesy, you are up next.
(EXHALES) Alright.
Can you read?
(LAUGHTER)
Did we check...
No, he can. OK.
I haven't got...
I haven't got my glasses on.
But no, I don't... The memory's...
The worst day of my life was when my
wife found my Princess Di scrapbook.
Ooh! Alright, Frank's team,
where are you gonna start?
I'd like you to tell us about
your Princess Di scrapbook
and how long you've had it for.
Yeah, I've had it since...well,
since she entered my consciousness,
which was, um...
..when a young Prince Charles...
courted her,
back there in the...
near the palace at...
(LAUGHTER)
I, like the...
I, like the rest of the world,
fell in love with Princess Di.
She is the 'People's Princess'.
So, yeah, and I grew up
in a country town
where young boys aren't allowed to
dream about marrying princesses.
Uh, we have to, you know, play footy
and, you know...
Fairly sure there's no law against
fantasising about it.
But I was a Catholic, so, uh...
ABBIE: Yeah. It was different.
And I had to tell...I once had to
tell a priest, actually, yes.
You had to go and talk to a priest...
Yes, at confession.
..that you were fantasising
about Lady Di?
With confession, you've gotta...you
know, you need to come up with sins,
and I told the priest, I said,
"Mate, I'm having impure thoughts
about the Princess of Wales."
And did you just hear him go,
"Yeah, me too"?
(LAUGHTER)
No.
No, I didn't, no.
He was a very professional...
he was a very professional priest.
And so he...I think...
And I know you're from Wales,
Lloyd, aren't you?
Yes. So, I...
So, I mean...
Actually, I find this
very offensive.
(LAUGHTER)
Technically, every time you...
that was treason.
When did the scrapbook
start taking shape?
Well, as soon as she entered
the newspapers,
so, yeah, I would just
cut, cut, cut, cut.
Clag. Remember Clag?
MELISSA: Ah!
The brush.
Clag, yeah.
The brush.
Clag in my scrapbook. Um...
With Clag?
FRANK: Clag!
Clag! I used Clag!
Clag is the best choice, definitely,
because it covers up any other,
you know...
(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)
No, it's a good...in disguise.
Consistency.
Mate, don't make this...
Don't make my love for
Princess Diana weird, alright?
I'm interested, did your...
On finding this scrapbook,
what was your wife's reaction?
Like, did she shriek?
Did she try and destroy
the scrapbook?
No. She was like, "What's this?"
I remember it. She said,
"What's this?" And led me over...
And it quickly escalated to being
the worst day of your life.
The first thing you said was,
"It's Clag."
No, I didn't...
(LAUGHTER)
No, it was Clag...
She said, "What's this?"
I went over there and she said,
"Look at this. Who is this?"
"Who is this?
"Who is this extremely
unfamous person..."
"Who is this person?"
"..who you've got
5,000 photographs of?"
Oh, she wouldn't have said...
I was in a...
I didn't know what she said,
to be honest.
I think she said, "What's going on?"
You know...
She'd just woken up from a coma.
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah, she was like,
"Do I know you at all?
"What other women are you
harbouring fantasies about?"
Once Diana passed away,
you kept adding to the scrapbook
with memorabilia?
Or did you put it away in a box and
keep it safe until that tragic day?
Yeah, I-I hadn't opened
the scrapbook since that day.
Uh... I put it away.
What day did she...
I mean, a huge fan would know
what day she passed away, the date.
ABBIE: That is so true.
It's in everyone's memory.
Everyone knows where they were.
Yeah, but the biggest fan would have
smoked that from their memory.
(LAUGHTER)
Because the day...the day...
(APPLAUSE)
Worst day of my life.
It was the worst day of my life.
Why?
Because it reminded me of
the worst day of my life.
(LAUGHTER)
And this is now quickly becoming
the worst day of my life.
I told this story to the producers
in confidence!
What do you think, Abbie?
Oh, he's lying.
Yeah, no doubt about it?
I just don't think,
after not knowing when she died...
I also think it's bizarre
that you kept it
and moved it from house to house.
What, are you gonna
throw that out, are you?
(LAUGHS)
Part of me, Abbie.
Yeah. Uh, no. It's a lie.
What are you thinking, Lloyd?
I think I can't remember the date.
But it was, like, 1997 or something.
I know. I know the date.
What's the date, then, Hughesy?
Well, I'm not telling you.
I think you've missed
the spirit of the game in terms of
if we ask you a question,
you just go, "I'm not telling you!"
(LAUGHTER)
If he was still adding
to the scrapbook in 1997,
he would have been, what, in his...
26, mate.
..20s, yeah.
26.
I...It's just not feasible.
Like, pornography existed.
(LAUGHTER)
Truth or lie, guys?
We've got a lie and a lie.
And so it's unanimous.
We're saying it's a lie.
Hughesy, is it the truth
or is it a lie?
(ABBIE LAUGHS) Oh, no,
look at his little face.
Look at his face.
Look at him enjoying the power.
It's a lie.
(CHIMING)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Of course...
Of course that was a lie.
Hey, it's time for a break,
but first,
what if I told you
that it's absolutely true
that one of our six panellists
once asked the Dalai Lama
to bless their AFL team?
Who do you think it is?
I'll have the answer next
on Would I Lie To You?
(ROCK MUSIC)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Welcome back to Would I Lie To You?,
and before the break I told you
that one of our panellists
once asked the Dalai Lama
to bless their AFL team.
Who was it?
It was, of course, Hughesy.
Yeah.
(APPLAUSE)
And...the Dalai Lama
did bless my team.
He said, "But this won't work,"
and he was right.
Least he's honest. Alright, we are
in the middle of Home Truths.
Abbie, you are up next.
Alright.
Oh. (LAUGHS)
Alright. Um...
I have a pet name
for my bellybutton.
Well, I...
(ABBIE LAUGHS)
Let's start.
No time like the present.
Why don't we cut to the chase?
What is the pet name?
Stevie the Chicken.
(LAUGHTER)
Stevie the Chicken.
Uh, why?
So, it's...it actually started
when I was about five years old.
And it was kind of
a half imaginary friend,
half...belly button hybrid.
I've heard of having, like,
an inny or an outty,
and it's got to be a really big
outty to resemble a chicken.
No, mine's an inny.
I tried to change the mould.
So it's an inclusive chicken, then.
It's always in the coop.
Always in the coop.
MELISSA: Introverted chicken.
Did you think of any other animal
that you might...name
your bellybutton after?
Always chook. Always chicken.
I just feel like
it makes the most sense.
CHRIS: That's...
(LAUGHTER)
What about your bellybutton
is chicken-like?
So, it's...when I would
make it talk,
I think I thought it was a beak.
So I'd be like...
I'd be in bed, I'm like...
(SILLY VOICE) "Mummy!
"Come give me a kiss!"
"Mummy, please come give me kisses!"
Yeah, so Mum would
have to kiss it...
So Mum would go, "'Night, darling."
And I'd go, "'Night, Mummy.
Stevie wants a kiss."
And I'd... (SILLY VOICE) "Mummy!"
DAVE: Did Mummy...
Did Mummy ever try to feed Stevie?
Oh, no. No.
'Cause birds, often they vomit
into each other's mouths.
That's what I'm talking about.
It'd be an awful look
if your mum
had to vomit into
Stevie's mouth every night.
Yeah, Mum was done with it.
I tell you what I'm angry about.
I follow you on Instagram,
and...quite closely.
But, um...
(LAUGHTER)
Alright, Hughesy.
But I haven't got a mental image
of your bellybutton, so, um...
The bellybutton has
its own account.
What do you think, Melissa?
What are you thinking?
Is that the truth or a lie?
I'm leaning towards truth
'cause she's that kooky, I think.
(LAUGHTER)
Hang on, Melissa.
I also follow her Instagram account,
so...
CHRIS: We could all agree
she's kooky.
But that's not what we've been...
CHRISSIE: Kooky's a good thing.
That's not what's on trial here.
You could be kooky
and independently still not have
a bellybutton
called Stevie the Chicken.
Yeah. I just don't think she does.
I reckon that if she did,
that I would know.
(LAUGHTER)
Besties.
You think true. You're leaning...
Lie. No. Lie.
It's crazy enough to be plausible.
I think it's very well told.
I'd sort of love Stevie to exist,
but I...I think it's a lie.
You think it's a lie. Alright, Abbie,
is that the truth or a lie?
That story is the...truth.
(CHIMING)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
CHRISSIE: Yes! I knew it!
Very good!
Played you like a violin!
She's good! She is very good.
It is true.
Abbie used to call her bellybutton
Stevie the Chicken
and make her mum kiss it.
This is what parents did
before 'Bluey' and iPads.
Alright, Lloyd, it's your turn.
Once every couple of months,
I meet up with three other friends
also called Lloyd...
..for a meeting
of the 'Four Lloyds'.
Oh, so much there.
Lots to unpack. Let's start with...
How did the Lloyds all first meet?
Ah, a very interesting story.
My mum is still angry about this,
actually.
One of the Lloyds, Lloyd Jenkins,
was...was named after me
because when she was pregnant
and his mother was pregnant,
my...they were talking
and his mother was like,
"Have you got a baby name yet?"
And my mum was like, "If it's a boy,
we're gonna call it Lloyd."
And Lloyd Jenkins's mother was like,
"I'm calling my kid Lloyd."
And so my mum was angry about it
because she was like,
"She stole my...my name,"
and I'm like, "Oh, no, that's
the first Lloyd of the Four Lloyds."
Or the second Lloyd.
So the first Lloyd was met
pretty early on in life.
Yeah. We were born
around similar times.
But we didn't meet each other
until later on, through Cub Scouts.
Right.
DAVE: Certainly if...
If your mums were both pregnant
at the same time,
you probably would have been born
at similar times, wouldn't you?
Yes.
How old are you, Lloyd?
I'm 38.
Was it a popular name in Wales
at the time, Lloyd, was it?
No.
(LAUGHTER)
That's why it was...it's pretty easy
to assemble the team.
You don't need auditions.
If your name's Lloyd, you're in.
Four...basically, four...
You can get four Lloyds in a taxi
and any more and you've got to hire,
like, a minibus.
We've only... Tell us about
the other two Lloyds.
MELISSA: Yes.
So, I was in high school
with the second Lloyd.
We were the two...two Lloyds
in high school.
Um, he's Lloyd Brady.
So the second Lloyd
is the third Lloyd.
I think we're following you.
I'm Lloyd Langford.
CHRISSIE: Yes.
FRANK: Are you?
There's Lloyd Jenkins,
who stole your name,
and Lloyd Brady,
who you met at school.
We were in high school.
And then, uh, the final Lloyd
is Lloyd Jones,
who we met on a night out
in a place called Neath.
So it was initially just
the three Lloyds
that thought it'd be funny to go out
for a night out,
and we were in a pub in Neath
having a pint
and we were...someone overheard us
and was like,
"Oh, this is my mate Lloyd as well."
When the Lloyds got together,
who was your favourite...
Who would you listen to?
Uh, I think, um, Lloyd...
I mean, I spent more time
with Lloyd.
(LAUGHTER)
MELISSA: May I ask...
So, I mean, who...
What band would you listen to?
What singer would you listen to,
the Four Lloyds?
Oh, we would actually listen
to Pink Floyd.
(LAUGHTER)
So simply sharing a name
was reason enough to hang out?
Well, I thought...I mean,
I thought it would be funny
and now I am, um, doubting myself.
It sounds like,
for very slender reasons,
just by being called Lloyd,
the first three Lloyds
decided to be a pack of friends.
Kind of got a pretty good thing
going on.
Then they meet a fourth Lloyd
out in Neath.
Yes.
Can I ask, is Neath worth visiting?
No.
Unless you're looking for
an extra Lloyd.
(LAUGHTER)
Are you the most successful Lloyd
of the Four Lloyds?
Oh, I wouldn't say that. Um...
Uh, Lloyd Brady
is a hot tub salesman.
CHRISSIE: Alright.
What is that - truth or a lie?
I mean, on the surface
it seems implausible
that you'd base
an entire friendship...
Based on a name.
..just by a shared Christian name.
And it's whimsical and Welsh enough
to be charming and true.
I'm thinking
it's incredibly unlikely.
But part of me's thinking true.
No way.
I'm staking my reputation,
which I don't have,
on the fact that he is lying!
You're saying lie.
Lie.
I think it could be true.
Oh, Mel.
See, I'm starting to think
it could be true too.
No, it's a lie.
I can't believe I'm saying this.
We're believers.
We're gonna say it's true.
Alright, Lloyd Langford,
is that the truth or a lie?
That is a lie.
(CHIMING)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
Of course it's a lie!
It's a lie - Lloyd doesn't meet up
with three other Lloyds
for a meeting of the Four Lloyds.
He's a new dad, so of course
he doesn't have time for friends.
We should have known.
Don't go anywhere.
We'll be back with more Would I
Lie To You? right after the break.
(ROCK MUSIC)
(ROCK MUSIC)
Welcome back to Would I Lie To You?
Our next round is called
This Is My...,
where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection
to one of our panellists.
This week, each of Chris's team
will claim it's them
that has the genuine connection
to the guest.
It's up to Frank's team then
to spot who's telling the truth.
So, please welcome
this week's special guest, Jack.
(CHEERING)
(ROCK MUSIC)
Alright. Hughesy, who is Jack to you?
Uh, Jack is a man
who helped me once sabotage
a grand final.
Ooh! Alright.
Melissa, who is Jack to you?
This is Jack.
He and I used to compete
against each other
to see who could skin a rabbit
the fastest.
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
Interesting.
And, Chris, who is Jack to you?
This is Jack, and he was my ballroom
dancing partner when I was a boy.
(LAUGHTER)
So, there we have it.
Is Jack Hughesy's footy fiend,
Melissa's raw rabbit rival,
or Chris's ballroom buddy?
Frank's team?
It's a nice feeling
that at the moment, Jack,
you're all of those things to us.
So you're a charismatic character.
Um...
ABBIE: Very vivid facial expressions
from Jack.
So, Hughesy, you sabotaged
a grand final with Jack.
Yes.
What happened?
Uh, this is back in my home town
of Warrnambool
in country Vic...country Victoria.
And we...I used to play footy
with Jack
and, uh...yeah, and there was
a grand final
where our team didn't make
the grand final.
And we were angry.
We thought it was an injustice.
And, uh, so me
and a couple of other buddies
paid Jack
to saw down one of the goalposts
for the grand final,
like, in the middle of the night.
And so when grand final day came...
Oh, my God.
..one of the posts
had been sawn down.
Was the post left
sort of as a warning?
Like a horse's head in someone's bed
if you're a Mafia...
Well, no, the post was on...ended up
on the ground
and, like, the evidence was there
that it had been done.
And so they had to, like, you know,
re-put the post in. It cost a lot.
So it was successful. It didn't
go ahead, the footy final?
It did. It might've been delayed for
a few minutes. It was a big effort.
A few minutes!
"I can get a crane
in a few minutes.
"Oh, hang on. Oh, luckily
there's a crane in the car park."
I tell you, it was a big...
It made a big controversy
in the town on the day.
And, yeah, this is
a 30-year-old secret.
Why didn't you
saw it down yourselves?
You were young guys. Didn't you
have access to a saw or...?
Because we didn't want to do it
'cause it's an illegal act.
And, um, Jack actually,
afterwards and to this day,
has the nickname...
Guess what his nickname is.
I'm gonna go with 'Stumpy'.
(LAUGHTER)
CHRISSIE: Is it Stumpy? Yes or no?
I'm gonna go with 'Lumberjack'.
That would have been a good one!
His nickname to this day
is 'Hacksaw Jack'.
Great nickname.
I still have a million more
questions, but we're gonna move on.
We could be here for hours.
So, Melissa...
Who was Jack to you?
Jack, well, I-I lived for
a little time in Tasmania,
and I learned to hunt,
and so, yeah,
I got taught how to skin a rabbit
and then I got a bit competitive,
'cause I wanted to be better at it,
you know?
Jack lives in the farm
a couple of farms down,
and so we would go fishing, go do
hunting and things like that...
I understand that competitiveness.
You should see me on Christmas Day
with prawns.
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah.
Yeah!
I'm finding it undeniably
disturbing, but very compelling,
the image of you just, like,
tearing apart,
like, an animal
that you've just hunted...
Well, being in...
You should never go
to Petbarn with Melissa.
(LAUGHTER)
Describe to me the experience
of hunting a rabbit.
Um, well, I mean, you sort of...
You have the rifle
and obviously
everybody's really quiet,
and you all stay back behind,
you know, the fire line...
A big bag of carrots?
(LAUGHTER)
So you've got a gun?
Yeah, I have a-a rifle, yes.
I learned how to shoot with a .22.
You would be a good shot.
I'm pretty good.
Not very good with a shotgun,
but great with a rifle.
My greatest achievement
was learning how to shoot
around corners.
You shoot around corners?
I can shoot around corners.
That is an achievement.
You buy a rifle with a bend in it?
Yes, I did. (LAUGHS)
Did you ever have that experience
where the rabbit went into a hole
and you put the rifle in there
and the rifle came out here?
(LAUGHTER)
Yes. (LAUGHS)
You tied a little bow on it...
They do call me Elmer Fudd
back in Tasmania, so yes.
And you said you competed.
Do you think that you were
more successful or Jack was?
Well, Jack's been doing it for a lot
longer in terms of skinning rabbits.
So, I thought I was getting
pretty good by the end.
I could sort of get it done
in about a minute per rabbit.
That's quick.
Jack can do, I think, like, 30
seconds, something like, per rabbit.
I can't peel a mandarin in 30.
So fast. No, but it's just like...
Has Jack got the hands
of a rabbit skinner?
Can we see his hands?
Good question.
Could you hold your hands up,
please, Jack? Is that acceptable?
(GASPS)
Um, they do look strong.
They also look like you could cut...
Yeah, cut a goalpost.
Are you ready to move onto
Chris's connection with Jack?
No, because that is a lie.
(LAUGHTER)
OK, Chris, remind us
who Jack is to you.
This is Jack. He was my ballroom
dancing partner when I was a boy.
This might be a prejudice,
but my daughter is...is a dancer,
and most of the people
who attend are girls,
and so why were you
matched up with another boy?
Well, that is quite
a backward point of view, Frank.
Um...
(LAUGHTER)
No, this was, um, where I learnt
and did my classes,
the sexes didn't even out
so that every boy could learn
to dance with a girl.
Jack and I were both left over,
so they just partnered us.
I'm amazed that of the two
leftover boys, it was you and Jack.
(LAUGHTER)
I-I would not leave Jack
till the end.
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
He's getting snapped up first thing.
Are you a bit scared of Jack?
I am, yeah, scared and aroused.
(LAUGHTER)
He would definitely lead.
FRANK: He's a strong presence,
undeniably.
CHRISSIE: He really is a strong
presence, that's for sure.
What...what sort of dances
did you do with Jack?
What was your favourite?
Our favourite? The tango.
(LAUGHTER)
Now, the tango has a number of
different elements to it.
What was the most thrilling part
of the tango,
you and your tango with Jack?
I always liked being dipped by Jack.
I mean, there was a lot of that...
(SINGS) # Dun-dun-dun, duh-duh... #
CHRISSIE: Yes.
There was a lot of that.
Were you cheek to cheek?
And...
Well, Jack...Jack usually led,
being the elder of the two dancers.
So he led, and...
And also being the most terrifying.
Yeah.
He had a hacksaw, so you didn't
want to argue with him.
Surely, before we go any further,
we need to see a demonstration.
You and Frank could demonstrate.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
I'll play Jack.
I just wanted to say...
(LAUGHTER)
Alright, so, do you want lead
or should I lead?
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER)
And around!
Oh, my God, please be careful.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
And shift.
And dip.
CHRIS AND FRANK: Oh!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Something...
It was something like that.
Beautiful.
Jack showed absolutely no emotion
whatsoever through the whole thing.
He's traumatised.
Alright, we do need an answer,
so Frank's team,
is Jack Hughesy's footy fiend,
Melissa's raw rabbit rival
or Chris's ballroom buddy?
What'll it be? It's a tough one.
I think Melissa's telling the truth.
We've got Melissa's telling
the truth from Abbie.
I think Melissa's telling the truth,
but not about Jack.
She's replaced some poor
Tasmanian farmer...
(LAUGHTER)
..with Jack,
and he's gonna be at home
shaking his fist at the TV
saying, "Why is my story
being erased?"
(LAUGHS)
I think Jack sawed down the goalpost
with Hughesy.
What, we're in the presence
of Hacksaw Jack?
Yeah.
OK.
Frank, what do you think?
What was yours, Abbie?
I reckon Melissa.
Melissa.
Hughesy...
Is no-one buying the ballroom story?
(LAUGHTER)
Well, you will be in for a shock.
I'm gonna say...
I'm going with Melissa.
OK.
Lock it in.
(GASPS) Alright, Jack...
We get to hear him speak!
(LAUGHTER)
I'm so excited!
Jack, could you please reveal
your identity?
My name's Jack
and I helped Hughesy...
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
..sabotage...
..sabotage the grand final.
Ladies and gentlemen, Hacksaw Jack...
..in the flesh!
Legend!
Well, what a great story, Jack.
Thank you so much.
Hacksaw Jack, ladies and gentlemen.
We'll be back with more
Would I Lie To You?
right after the break.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
You're watching Would I Lie To You?
and it's time for our next round,
Possession,
in which a mystery object
may or may not belong
to one of our panellists.
It's up to the opposing team
to work out whether the stories
are truth or a lie.
Alright, Abbie, it's your turn.
You'll find a box under your bench.
Pop it on.
Open it up, put the object
on the bench
and then read us the card.
Oh, what is that?
It's a yellow lid of some sort.
A cap. It's a bottle cap, isn't it?
Alright, let's read your card, Abbie.
Alright.
I have this lid tattooed somewhere
on my body.
Apparently.
Right.
The first question is...why?
(LAUGHS)
My friends and I had a few drinks...
one day,
and we wanted to get
matching tattoos.
And we were at a KFC
and I...
You didn't want to pay for a tattoo
of a whole chicken leg...
So I...I love this particular brand
of iced tea.
So we thought, "Inspo,"
with the girls,
had a few drinks at Noosa,
"We'll go to a KFC
and draw a tattoo."
But what's the tattoo actually of?
So, it's used as an outline.
It's actually, like, a moon.
So rather than use a moon...
(LAUGHS)
I can't stencil the moon, Chris.
No, but you could find
an illustration of a moon
quite easily, I imagine.
Yeah, but we were drunk.
We were drunk at KFC.
MAN: They used a sim.
We believe that bit, alright?
But wouldn't the tattoo artist...
Don't they do the stencil?
Why are you stencilling?
He was an apprentice
tattoo artist...
CHRISSIE: Oh, God!
And where did... Are they all
in the same place, the tattoos?
They're all the exact same. They're
in different locations, though.
MELISSA: Yeah.
Wait... Someone ask the question.
Where's yours?
That's private, Melissa Leong.
Is your moon near your moon,
is that what you're saying?
It just feels like a Gold Coast
story to me, to be honest.
No, but...
It doesn't feel like a Noosa story.
The last place you would eat
in Noosa is KFC.
Noosa, there's not that many
tattoo parlours in Noosa, surely.
You'd only need one tattoo parlour.
And an apprentice.
I find it more plausible,
having been to Noosa,
that there's a tattoo parlour there
than a KFC.
To have two of them together
at Noosa...
Everything's hatted
restaurants at Noosa.
Yeah, it's hard to believe.
Yeah.
At tattoo parlours,
do they have breathalysers?
So, I mean, can you...
They'd never get any work.
So, I don't think
he breathalysed us,
because he...he just
didn't really care.
(LAUGHTER)
Just to let you know,
from here you can't see it,
but she's also got a tattoo
of a cork just there.
(LAUGHS)
I believe this story.
You believe this?!
Absolutely 100% believe this story,
and I've never been more confident
about anything.
Which part of when
she started speaking
did you start believing?
No, I believe drunk, KFC, tattoo...
The Noosa KFC's put me off a bit,
but I reckon...
I agree, but I don't think
your story falls down
on whether there's a KFC in Noosa.
(LAUGHS)
No, there's several
way more implausible things
about this story.
CHRISSIE: What are they?
The fact that if you wanted
a tattoo of a moon,
rather than go to someone
who's in the business
who has a whole pamphlet
full of moons of various sizes
and authenticity,
you go, "Screw that,
"I've got a Lipton's iced tea lid
"that I want you
to replicate exactly,
"but not too exactly,
"'cause then it would look like
a lid and not a moon."
There is not a single part
of this story that adds up.
MELISSA: I agree. I think...
What I'm getting from all...
..from that rant...
..from that rant,
I'm getting that you live
a boring life.
This woman lives, and she lives
randomly and she lives on the edge
and she...she does stuff like that.
Hughesy's seen every single frame
of your Instagram.
I'm saying...
We've got to get this right.
But I feel like, if it was
a homemade shit tatt gun,
like when you do them yourself,
then the lid thing is plausible,
but I think if you're going to
a tattoo studio,
you're right, you have pages
and pages of flash to choose from.
They print it out,
they draw it on...
Guys, you're both thinking
with a sober mind.
(LAUGHTER)
It's true.
LLOYD: I'll be frank.
Having listened to the story,
I now feel drunk.
(LAUGHTER)
Alright...
Alright, Chris's team...
I'm going true.
Look, you're saying true.
I don't believe a word of it.
I'm saying false.
That's two falses.
I'm sorry, Hughesy...
You've...
Well...
(LAUGHTER)
Sometimes I don't know why I bother!
You know, Hughesy,
you're the only person
that has come on this show
and wanted to win.
(LAUGHTER)
I want...
I want to...
"We've gotta keep those sweet points
for ourselves!"
I wasn't gonna say anything,
but backstage he made the Dalai Lama
bless our team before the...
That's how seriously he took it.
If this is true, I'm gonna get
a tattoo of that thing.
AUDIENCE: Oh!
Come on!
Come on!
Can we go to KFC first?
Awesome.
Come on, baby!
We're gonna say lie.
It's a lie?
Alright, Abbie Chatfield,
is this story a truth or a lie?
The story is...the truth.
(CHIMING)
(GASPS AND CRIES)
MELISSA: Oh, my God!
What's that...
Ahhh!
If you'd like to see
how bad it's done...
It's not the same size.
We had to get it re-scaled.
DAVE: You people...
Irrefutable...
You people!
My talent here is wasted!
You people have got to
start listening to me.
We were drunk at KFC,
we had the lid,
I was like, "Girls,
we have our inspiration.
"Let's get something unique."
It's very beautiful,
as it turns out.
It's hideous.
CHRIS: I will say,
it's much nicer than the lid,
so the apprentice
did a very good job.
Well, you're gonna be seeing it
for the rest of your life!
CHRISSIE: You really will!
It's time for a break. We'll see
you soon on Would I Lie To You?
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Catch up on all the comedy with
full episodes of Would I Lie To You?
on 10 play on demand.
(APPLAUSE)
Welcome back to Would I Lie To You?
and it's time for Quick Fire Lies.
Just a reminder -
the story on the card
could be completely familiar
to our panellists
or something we just made up.
Alright, Lloyd, it's your turn.
(AUDIENCE TITTERS)
I was once pinned against
my living room wall by my couch
for 45 minutes.
(LAUGHTER)
Alright, Chris's team,
what do you make of it?
Uh...why did the couch attack you?
So, I was living with my brother
and his partner at the time,
like, staying with them
kind of temporarily
when I was looking
for somewhere to live.
My brother's partner
didn't like me being there.
(LAUGHTER)
Um...
Why? (LAUGHS)
She, uh... She found mould
in the bedroom where I was sleeping
and she thought that
I was responsible for it.
(LAUGHTER)
Also, there was
this kind of running joke
that I, um...I was a comedian
and I didn't have a proper job
and I spent all day in the house
kind of doing nothing.
So when was this? How old are you?
Oh, I'm 38 now.
I reckon it was, like...
maybe five or six years ago.
Right.
I was in the house alone.
Actually, no. Um...
(MELISSA SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)
Uh, their pet cat was there.
Um...Maurice.
Me and Maurice, like,
didn't get along.
So, most people in this household
don't like you.
(LAUGHTER)
So, I was trying to charge
my mobile phone
and the power socket was
in this sort of awkward place
behind the sofa
and I leant over the back
of the sofa to try and...
Reach it.
Yeah. To plug...plug it in.
And then my body weight...
..moved the sofa against my own arm.
That's like that story
in the canyon.
Did you think of cutting
your arm off?
Yeah, but that guy was there
for, like, 127 hours.
I was there for, like, 45 minutes.
(LAUGHTER)
Was Maurice enjoying the situation?
Was he watching?
Maurice was, like,
kind of, like, walking round,
jumping up on the sofa,
I guess taunting me.
(LAUGHTER)
I need to ask -
what sort of mobile phone was it?
It was like an Apple iPhone.
Uh, when...
Hey. What year did they come in?
CHRIS: This was quite recent.
(LAUGHTER)
CHRISSIE: Within...
Well before five years ago.
(APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER)
FRANK: Good try, but...
So what are your tactics?
What are you doing to try
and extricate yourself
from this situation?
A lot of angry wriggling.
(LAUGHS)
DAVE: Did you... Did you...
Could we see some angry wriggling?
Fuck off, Maurice!
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
FRANK: Why didn't you just use
your other arm...
ABBIE: I was about to say...
..to push the...?
Yeah.
Like, why didn't you do that?
I was kind of...counterweighted.
So...so the more I tried,
the more it felt my arm
was getting stuck against the wall.
And then it went numb and I was
like, "Oh, this takes me back."
(CHRISSIE LAUGHS) Yeah!
(LAUGHTER)
And it went limp
and then it became easier eventually
to kind of manoeuvre it out.
This sounds like
a harrowing experience.
What was your brother's
girlfriend's reaction
when you told her what you'd endured?
Well, my chief worry
wasn't about my arm.
My chief worry was her
coming home from work
and finding me
stuck behind the sofa...
Yeah.
..trying to plug my mobile phone in.
How far away from the wall
was the couch?
'Cause it needed...
It would need some space to...
To tilt.
..tilt.
I mean...
(LAUGHTER)
Were they even listening
to you, Lloyd?
I honestly wish I'd brought along
the architectural plans.
(CHRISSIE LAUGHS)
The couch is flush against the wall.
MELISSA: Yep.
Right?
So you moved the sofa?
I had to pull the...the sofa out...
Yeah.
..to get at the socket.
I mean...
The socket was in an awkward place,
or you could say the couch
was in the wrong place.
I don't know you very well,
but you don't strike me as
a particularly industrious person.
So you wouldn't have pushed it...
(LAUGHTER)
DAVE: But, Mel... But, Mel...
..pushed the sofa a metre away.
But also... But, Mel, what you're
saying there is why this is true.
He's not... He hasn't got the energy
to make that up!
No.
(LAUGHTER)
Is Mel your brother's partner?
(LAUGHTER)
But also...
DAVE: I think it's true.
I think it's true.
Was it the only power point
in the apartment?
'Cause surely if there's something
hidden behind a couch,
you go, "Well, I don't even know
there's a power point there
"to attempt this ridiculous thing."
Go into the kitchen,
make the coffee, plug in the phone.
Yeah, there's always a power point
in the kitchen.
Guys, guys, it's true.
(LAUGHTER)
Can you just answer that question?
Of all the power points in this
house, why did you choose this one?
This feels like the only question
on this show
where the panellist's
life choices...
(LAUGHTER)
..are being thoroughly critiqued.
(LAUGHTER)
Why did I choose a power point
in the living room?
'Cause that was where
I spent most of my day.
(LAUGHTER)
What? I'm not plugging my phone
in the kitchen and walking back.
That's why we've got mobile phones.
I guess on form
we've been wrong in the past
and Hughesy has been right.
This is it.
This is the moment where...
(LAUGHTER)
If Hughesy thinks...
It's a true story.
We're gonna say true.
Oh. High stakes.
Alright, Lloyd, is it a truth
or is it a lie?
It is...
..true.
(CHIMING)
CHRISSIE: Yay!
(APPLAUSE)
Yes! Yes!
CHRISSIE: Yes, Hughesy.
Nice going, Hughesy.
It is true Lloyd was once pinned
to a wall
by a piece of furniture
for 45 minutes.
Lloyd really putting the 'ouch'
back into 'couch' there.
It's time for a break. We'll see you
soon on Would I Lie To You?
(APPLAUSE)
Welcome back to Would I Lie To You?
and we are in the middle of the round
we call Quick Fire Lies.
Hughesy, you are up next.
I once talked myself
into having an overactive bladder.
Bladder?
Just say that...
Say that again for me.
Bladder.
(LAUGHTER)
How...how often were you...
At the height of the overactivity,
when your bladder was
at its most industrious...
(LAUGHTER)
..how often did you go?
Probably, uh, like, I don't know,
a couple of months, maybe,
before I talked myself out of it.
Um, yeah, it was probably...
I was going every 15 minutes.
Which is annoying!
Really. Yeah, it's annoying.
It's a true story. Absolutely.
I talked myself into it
because I was an ambassador
for an overactive bladder company.
No, you were not.
I was.
Oh, my God!
So, hang on, what is
an overactive bladder company?
Are they pro overactivity
or anti overactivity?
No, they don't want people
to be overactive in their bladder.
They want to stop people
being overactive
'cause it's a bloody...
it's an issue.
It's an issue and there are people
who help you stop
having an overactive bladder.
And you were doing advertising...
I was the spokesperson.
You were the spokesperson.
I was the one who said, "Guys, who's
got an overactive bladder? I do."
And at the time, I didn't have it.
But in saying that so often...
(AUDIENCE TITTERS)
I have to confess, like, am I the
only one who needs to do a wee now?
Yeah.
I need to do a wee now.
Just talking about it...
Yes! Absolutely.
..it is getting into my head.
So I did it.
I went on talk shows
to talk about it.
Why would you sign up
to be an ambassador
for an issue that you don't suffer?
Uh...
(ABBIE LAUGHS)
Because of the money!
(ABBIE LAUGHS)
(APPLAUSE)
CHRISSIE: Hughesy, the shame.
So, how did you... How did you
finally turn things around?
Well, I sort of...
I didn't do anything in particular.
It faded away as the memory
of the campaign faded away
and I ended up, yeah,
without an overactive bladder.
But I honestly truly hope
talking about it today
doesn't retrigger it, so...
Continence Week is a thing
and I'm guessing...
Yes!
..you were an ambassador for that.
There is a dance involved
for Continence Week.
Can you remember that?
I've got a vague memory
of doing a dance...
Who wants to see how much
he remembers of the dance?
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
You've got to understand
I'm the world's worst dancer,
which is proved by anyone
who's watched 'The Masked Singer'.
Uh...
(LAUGHS)
Anyway, what... It was...
It's great.
(LAUGHTER)
Don't want to.
Wish... Wish I didn't have to wee.
Wish I didn't have to wee.
Wish I didn't have to wee.
And I did that on live television
next to David and Sonia!
(LAUGHTER)
It was a bit like that.
You are a terrible ambassador
if that's what you're doing!
Well, they didn't renew me,
did they?
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
Thank you, Hughesy.
What do you make of it all?
Any more questions?
Is it a company or a charity?
No, I think they were a company.
What's the product?
The product, I believe,
go and see your doctor.
(LAUGHS HEARTILY)
Get a commission for every GP.
If you've got a problem, like I do,
go and see your doctor.
And the irony is...
I never went and saw a doctor. Yeah.
Yeah. Understandable.
No, that's a lie.
Alright, Team Frank...
(LAUGHTER)
(ABBIE LAUGHS) Alright.
Yeah, the product doesn't sound
convincing, does it?
No, I think we're actually fairly
unanimous. We think that's a lie.
You think it's a lie? Alright.
Hughesy, is that a truth or a lie?
Truth.
(CHIMING)
(ABBIE LAUGHS)
(APPLAUSE)
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Whoo-hoo!
Anything for money...Dave Hughes.
Yeah, but I paid...
I got the syndrome.
And it was... It was... It is...
I tell you, go see your doctor.
Uh...
No, it was a true...
That's a true story.
It's karma.
Yeah. Absolutely.
It's true. Dave once talked himself
into having an overactive bladder.
These days his main concern is
managing his overactive mouth.
(LAUGHTER)
(BUZZER)
Oh! And that noise signals that time
is up. It's the end of the show.
I know!
(APPLAUSE)
And I can reveal that
tonight's winner is Chris's team.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Whoo!
(APPLAUSE)
But it's not just a team game.
My individual player of the night -
he'll be very pleased with this -
it's Hughesy.
That's... That's... Come on.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
And that is it
for Would I Lie To You?
Thank you so much for watching.
Goodnight.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
Captions by Red Bee Media
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Hello! And welcome
to Would I Lie To You?,
where we ask for the truth, the whole
truth and nothing like the truth.
I'm Chrissie Swan,
and joining me are two teams
who will take turns telling stories.
It's up to the opposing team to
determine whether the story is true
or if it's a lie.
The team with
the most correct guesses wins. Easy.
Captaining tonight's first team,
from the satirical comedy group
The Chaser, it's Chris Taylor.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Chris's first teammate
is a 'MasterChef' judge
who is always eating food that
other people have prepared for her,
yet not once has she offered to do
the goddamn washing-up.
It's Melissa Leong!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
And a comedian who could be called
Warrnambool's favourite son
if it weren't for Jonathan Brown,
Tom Ballard, Paul Jennings
and the guy who collects the shopping
trolleys at the local IGA,
it's Dave Hughes!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Absolutely. I'd say...
I'm not even my mother's
favourite son.
And captaining our second team
tonight,
it's comedian Frank Woodley.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Joining Frank is a Welsh comedian
who's just become a new dad.
Yes, he's thrilled to have a little
bundle of joy come into his life,
and even more thrilled
to have an hour's worth of
parenting jokes come into his act.
It's Lloyd Langford.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
And a woman who may not have won love
on 'The Bachelor'
but she did win hearts in the jungle,
which, unfortunately, on that show,
they made her eat.
Please welcome Abbie Chatfield.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Alright, time to play.
First up is Home Truths,
where our panellists each read out
a statement from the card
in front of them.
The card will either contain a truth
from the panellist's real life
or something we just cooked up
for them,
but they won't know
until they read it aloud.
It's up to the opposing team to sort
the facts from the fabrications.
Frank, you're up first.
FRANK: Oh, OK.
I'm already excited.
A psychic once told me
that in a past life
I was a champion racehorse.
(LAUGHTER)
Right. Um...
Alright, Chris's team.
Where were you when you visited
this psychic?
Um, I was...I was living
in Melbourne at the time,
in Northcote at the time.
It was when... It was in my mid-20s.
Were you a regular psychic visitor?
At that stage in my life,
I was sort of exploring
various different kinds of, um...
Bullshit?
(LAUGHTER)
What was the psychic's name?
The psychic's name...
I think...I think it was
Madame Flafleski.
If I... I might not
quite have that right.
It might have been Madame Blabliski
or Madame Hlahaski.
It was one of those faux Russian...
Russian or...
It is possible that she just
sneezed and I misheard.
(LAUGHTER)
Was Madame Flafleski sort of in a...
in a tent, like, with a crystal ball
or was she...
Where did Madame Flafleski work?
Was... At Flafleski R Us? Or...
It was in a...at
the Edinburgh Gardens.
There's a...once a year, there's
a big community arts festival
and they set up tents
and stuff like that.
A suburb that used to be
full of people
who would go to psychics,
I would imagine.
I'll be honest, I'm imagining you
as a racehorse right now.
You look...you look quite horsey.
Yeah.
And when I get excited...
I can imagine you going fast.
I know. I've got... Don't you think
I've got that feeling of...you know?
ABBIE: Majestic.
MELISSA: So how did you feel...
(LAUGHTER)
CHRISSIE: Yes.
Yeah.
And I...from this angle,
I'm imagining the photo finish
and you're winning by a nose.
(LAUGHTER)
Um...
Did she say you were a gelding or...
(LAUGHTER)
Does that mean...does that mean
you've had your bits cut off?
CHRISSIE: Yeah.
Yeah, no, we didn't...
There was nothing to do with that.
(RUSSIAN ACCENT)
"Unzip your pants, Frank."
I am...
I should say, though... Just...
I don't know if this adds
to the plausibility,
but I am hung like a horse,
but unfortunately...unfortunately
it's a seahorse, but, yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
So she said...she said
you were a famous racehorse.
Did she tell you
which famous racehorse?
She said I was a famous racehorse
that had won the Kentucky Derby.
Seabiscuit.
She did say that at one point
but she was just offering me snacks.
(RUSSIAN ACCENT)
"See biscuit? Eat biscuit if want."
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
No, I wasn't Seabiscuit.
You're not gonna believe this.
(ABBIE LAUGHS)
She said, and I've remembered it
ever since,
she said, "Your name as a horse
was Keyser Soze."
(LAUGHS) No, she didn't.
No, Kaiser. She said Kaiser.
Is that... I wonder
if that is a horse.
That is a horse. And I'm it.
Could be. Yeah?
(LAUGHTER)
Apparently.
And in what...like,
in a previous life
was as Kaiser winning
the Kentucky Derby.
Yeah, I think in, like, 1912
or something like that.
Just before the...or during
the First World War, maybe.
Famous German-named horse...
Caesar!
Not Kaiser, Caesar.
Caesar.
Very similar.
MELISSA: Yes.
I don't know a lot
about how psychics work
but I always thought
they project forward.
They tell you your future, not
what you were in a previous life.
So why on earth
wouldn't you be disappointed?
You've gone to a psychic
and learnt nothing of your future.
Maybe, uh, Madame Flafleski...
..looked into Frank's future
and thought,
"I'd better focus on the past."
(LAUGHTER)
That I can believe!
That I can believe.
CHRISSIE: Yeah.
Um...
We're basically being asked to rule
is a bullshit industry a lie
or true?
DAVE: This is the lawyer
coming out in you.
Sometimes you've just got to
put all logic aside
and just hope for a better future.
No, I found...
(LAUGHTER)
If Madame Flafleski's true, I think
Madame Flafleski's a fleecer.
She's absolutely...
Yes, but that's not the question.
That's not what we're being asked...
Let's believe.
I'm saying lie.
You're saying believe.
I'm saying lie.
Sorry, Dave, I think we've got lie.
Lie.
Lie.
I think he's about to
give a nation hope.
I think we're gonna say it's a lie.
It's a lie? Alright.
Frank Woodley.
Let me look into the future.
Is it a truth?
Oh, in the future,
I say that it's a lie.
(CHIMING)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
He had me. It's a lie.
Hughesy, you are up next.
(EXHALES) Alright.
Can you read?
(LAUGHTER)
Did we check...
No, he can. OK.
I haven't got...
I haven't got my glasses on.
But no, I don't... The memory's...
The worst day of my life was when my
wife found my Princess Di scrapbook.
Ooh! Alright, Frank's team,
where are you gonna start?
I'd like you to tell us about
your Princess Di scrapbook
and how long you've had it for.
Yeah, I've had it since...well,
since she entered my consciousness,
which was, um...
..when a young Prince Charles...
courted her,
back there in the...
near the palace at...
(LAUGHTER)
I, like the...
I, like the rest of the world,
fell in love with Princess Di.
She is the 'People's Princess'.
So, yeah, and I grew up
in a country town
where young boys aren't allowed to
dream about marrying princesses.
Uh, we have to, you know, play footy
and, you know...
Fairly sure there's no law against
fantasising about it.
But I was a Catholic, so, uh...
ABBIE: Yeah. It was different.
And I had to tell...I once had to
tell a priest, actually, yes.
You had to go and talk to a priest...
Yes, at confession.
..that you were fantasising
about Lady Di?
With confession, you've gotta...you
know, you need to come up with sins,
and I told the priest, I said,
"Mate, I'm having impure thoughts
about the Princess of Wales."
And did you just hear him go,
"Yeah, me too"?
(LAUGHTER)
No.
No, I didn't, no.
He was a very professional...
he was a very professional priest.
And so he...I think...
And I know you're from Wales,
Lloyd, aren't you?
Yes. So, I...
So, I mean...
Actually, I find this
very offensive.
(LAUGHTER)
Technically, every time you...
that was treason.
When did the scrapbook
start taking shape?
Well, as soon as she entered
the newspapers,
so, yeah, I would just
cut, cut, cut, cut.
Clag. Remember Clag?
MELISSA: Ah!
The brush.
Clag, yeah.
The brush.
Clag in my scrapbook. Um...
With Clag?
FRANK: Clag!
Clag! I used Clag!
Clag is the best choice, definitely,
because it covers up any other,
you know...
(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)
No, it's a good...in disguise.
Consistency.
Mate, don't make this...
Don't make my love for
Princess Diana weird, alright?
I'm interested, did your...
On finding this scrapbook,
what was your wife's reaction?
Like, did she shriek?
Did she try and destroy
the scrapbook?
No. She was like, "What's this?"
I remember it. She said,
"What's this?" And led me over...
And it quickly escalated to being
the worst day of your life.
The first thing you said was,
"It's Clag."
No, I didn't...
(LAUGHTER)
No, it was Clag...
She said, "What's this?"
I went over there and she said,
"Look at this. Who is this?"
"Who is this?
"Who is this extremely
unfamous person..."
"Who is this person?"
"..who you've got
5,000 photographs of?"
Oh, she wouldn't have said...
I was in a...
I didn't know what she said,
to be honest.
I think she said, "What's going on?"
You know...
She'd just woken up from a coma.
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah, she was like,
"Do I know you at all?
"What other women are you
harbouring fantasies about?"
Once Diana passed away,
you kept adding to the scrapbook
with memorabilia?
Or did you put it away in a box and
keep it safe until that tragic day?
Yeah, I-I hadn't opened
the scrapbook since that day.
Uh... I put it away.
What day did she...
I mean, a huge fan would know
what day she passed away, the date.
ABBIE: That is so true.
It's in everyone's memory.
Everyone knows where they were.
Yeah, but the biggest fan would have
smoked that from their memory.
(LAUGHTER)
Because the day...the day...
(APPLAUSE)
Worst day of my life.
It was the worst day of my life.
Why?
Because it reminded me of
the worst day of my life.
(LAUGHTER)
And this is now quickly becoming
the worst day of my life.
I told this story to the producers
in confidence!
What do you think, Abbie?
Oh, he's lying.
Yeah, no doubt about it?
I just don't think,
after not knowing when she died...
I also think it's bizarre
that you kept it
and moved it from house to house.
What, are you gonna
throw that out, are you?
(LAUGHS)
Part of me, Abbie.
Yeah. Uh, no. It's a lie.
What are you thinking, Lloyd?
I think I can't remember the date.
But it was, like, 1997 or something.
I know. I know the date.
What's the date, then, Hughesy?
Well, I'm not telling you.
I think you've missed
the spirit of the game in terms of
if we ask you a question,
you just go, "I'm not telling you!"
(LAUGHTER)
If he was still adding
to the scrapbook in 1997,
he would have been, what, in his...
26, mate.
..20s, yeah.
26.
I...It's just not feasible.
Like, pornography existed.
(LAUGHTER)
Truth or lie, guys?
We've got a lie and a lie.
And so it's unanimous.
We're saying it's a lie.
Hughesy, is it the truth
or is it a lie?
(ABBIE LAUGHS) Oh, no,
look at his little face.
Look at his face.
Look at him enjoying the power.
It's a lie.
(CHIMING)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Of course...
Of course that was a lie.
Hey, it's time for a break,
but first,
what if I told you
that it's absolutely true
that one of our six panellists
once asked the Dalai Lama
to bless their AFL team?
Who do you think it is?
I'll have the answer next
on Would I Lie To You?
(ROCK MUSIC)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Welcome back to Would I Lie To You?,
and before the break I told you
that one of our panellists
once asked the Dalai Lama
to bless their AFL team.
Who was it?
It was, of course, Hughesy.
Yeah.
(APPLAUSE)
And...the Dalai Lama
did bless my team.
He said, "But this won't work,"
and he was right.
Least he's honest. Alright, we are
in the middle of Home Truths.
Abbie, you are up next.
Alright.
Oh. (LAUGHS)
Alright. Um...
I have a pet name
for my bellybutton.
Well, I...
(ABBIE LAUGHS)
Let's start.
No time like the present.
Why don't we cut to the chase?
What is the pet name?
Stevie the Chicken.
(LAUGHTER)
Stevie the Chicken.
Uh, why?
So, it's...it actually started
when I was about five years old.
And it was kind of
a half imaginary friend,
half...belly button hybrid.
I've heard of having, like,
an inny or an outty,
and it's got to be a really big
outty to resemble a chicken.
No, mine's an inny.
I tried to change the mould.
So it's an inclusive chicken, then.
It's always in the coop.
Always in the coop.
MELISSA: Introverted chicken.
Did you think of any other animal
that you might...name
your bellybutton after?
Always chook. Always chicken.
I just feel like
it makes the most sense.
CHRIS: That's...
(LAUGHTER)
What about your bellybutton
is chicken-like?
So, it's...when I would
make it talk,
I think I thought it was a beak.
So I'd be like...
I'd be in bed, I'm like...
(SILLY VOICE) "Mummy!
"Come give me a kiss!"
"Mummy, please come give me kisses!"
Yeah, so Mum would
have to kiss it...
So Mum would go, "'Night, darling."
And I'd go, "'Night, Mummy.
Stevie wants a kiss."
And I'd... (SILLY VOICE) "Mummy!"
DAVE: Did Mummy...
Did Mummy ever try to feed Stevie?
Oh, no. No.
'Cause birds, often they vomit
into each other's mouths.
That's what I'm talking about.
It'd be an awful look
if your mum
had to vomit into
Stevie's mouth every night.
Yeah, Mum was done with it.
I tell you what I'm angry about.
I follow you on Instagram,
and...quite closely.
But, um...
(LAUGHTER)
Alright, Hughesy.
But I haven't got a mental image
of your bellybutton, so, um...
The bellybutton has
its own account.
What do you think, Melissa?
What are you thinking?
Is that the truth or a lie?
I'm leaning towards truth
'cause she's that kooky, I think.
(LAUGHTER)
Hang on, Melissa.
I also follow her Instagram account,
so...
CHRIS: We could all agree
she's kooky.
But that's not what we've been...
CHRISSIE: Kooky's a good thing.
That's not what's on trial here.
You could be kooky
and independently still not have
a bellybutton
called Stevie the Chicken.
Yeah. I just don't think she does.
I reckon that if she did,
that I would know.
(LAUGHTER)
Besties.
You think true. You're leaning...
Lie. No. Lie.
It's crazy enough to be plausible.
I think it's very well told.
I'd sort of love Stevie to exist,
but I...I think it's a lie.
You think it's a lie. Alright, Abbie,
is that the truth or a lie?
That story is the...truth.
(CHIMING)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
CHRISSIE: Yes! I knew it!
Very good!
Played you like a violin!
She's good! She is very good.
It is true.
Abbie used to call her bellybutton
Stevie the Chicken
and make her mum kiss it.
This is what parents did
before 'Bluey' and iPads.
Alright, Lloyd, it's your turn.
Once every couple of months,
I meet up with three other friends
also called Lloyd...
..for a meeting
of the 'Four Lloyds'.
Oh, so much there.
Lots to unpack. Let's start with...
How did the Lloyds all first meet?
Ah, a very interesting story.
My mum is still angry about this,
actually.
One of the Lloyds, Lloyd Jenkins,
was...was named after me
because when she was pregnant
and his mother was pregnant,
my...they were talking
and his mother was like,
"Have you got a baby name yet?"
And my mum was like, "If it's a boy,
we're gonna call it Lloyd."
And Lloyd Jenkins's mother was like,
"I'm calling my kid Lloyd."
And so my mum was angry about it
because she was like,
"She stole my...my name,"
and I'm like, "Oh, no, that's
the first Lloyd of the Four Lloyds."
Or the second Lloyd.
So the first Lloyd was met
pretty early on in life.
Yeah. We were born
around similar times.
But we didn't meet each other
until later on, through Cub Scouts.
Right.
DAVE: Certainly if...
If your mums were both pregnant
at the same time,
you probably would have been born
at similar times, wouldn't you?
Yes.
How old are you, Lloyd?
I'm 38.
Was it a popular name in Wales
at the time, Lloyd, was it?
No.
(LAUGHTER)
That's why it was...it's pretty easy
to assemble the team.
You don't need auditions.
If your name's Lloyd, you're in.
Four...basically, four...
You can get four Lloyds in a taxi
and any more and you've got to hire,
like, a minibus.
We've only... Tell us about
the other two Lloyds.
MELISSA: Yes.
So, I was in high school
with the second Lloyd.
We were the two...two Lloyds
in high school.
Um, he's Lloyd Brady.
So the second Lloyd
is the third Lloyd.
I think we're following you.
I'm Lloyd Langford.
CHRISSIE: Yes.
FRANK: Are you?
There's Lloyd Jenkins,
who stole your name,
and Lloyd Brady,
who you met at school.
We were in high school.
And then, uh, the final Lloyd
is Lloyd Jones,
who we met on a night out
in a place called Neath.
So it was initially just
the three Lloyds
that thought it'd be funny to go out
for a night out,
and we were in a pub in Neath
having a pint
and we were...someone overheard us
and was like,
"Oh, this is my mate Lloyd as well."
When the Lloyds got together,
who was your favourite...
Who would you listen to?
Uh, I think, um, Lloyd...
I mean, I spent more time
with Lloyd.
(LAUGHTER)
MELISSA: May I ask...
So, I mean, who...
What band would you listen to?
What singer would you listen to,
the Four Lloyds?
Oh, we would actually listen
to Pink Floyd.
(LAUGHTER)
So simply sharing a name
was reason enough to hang out?
Well, I thought...I mean,
I thought it would be funny
and now I am, um, doubting myself.
It sounds like,
for very slender reasons,
just by being called Lloyd,
the first three Lloyds
decided to be a pack of friends.
Kind of got a pretty good thing
going on.
Then they meet a fourth Lloyd
out in Neath.
Yes.
Can I ask, is Neath worth visiting?
No.
Unless you're looking for
an extra Lloyd.
(LAUGHTER)
Are you the most successful Lloyd
of the Four Lloyds?
Oh, I wouldn't say that. Um...
Uh, Lloyd Brady
is a hot tub salesman.
CHRISSIE: Alright.
What is that - truth or a lie?
I mean, on the surface
it seems implausible
that you'd base
an entire friendship...
Based on a name.
..just by a shared Christian name.
And it's whimsical and Welsh enough
to be charming and true.
I'm thinking
it's incredibly unlikely.
But part of me's thinking true.
No way.
I'm staking my reputation,
which I don't have,
on the fact that he is lying!
You're saying lie.
Lie.
I think it could be true.
Oh, Mel.
See, I'm starting to think
it could be true too.
No, it's a lie.
I can't believe I'm saying this.
We're believers.
We're gonna say it's true.
Alright, Lloyd Langford,
is that the truth or a lie?
That is a lie.
(CHIMING)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
Of course it's a lie!
It's a lie - Lloyd doesn't meet up
with three other Lloyds
for a meeting of the Four Lloyds.
He's a new dad, so of course
he doesn't have time for friends.
We should have known.
Don't go anywhere.
We'll be back with more Would I
Lie To You? right after the break.
(ROCK MUSIC)
(ROCK MUSIC)
Welcome back to Would I Lie To You?
Our next round is called
This Is My...,
where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection
to one of our panellists.
This week, each of Chris's team
will claim it's them
that has the genuine connection
to the guest.
It's up to Frank's team then
to spot who's telling the truth.
So, please welcome
this week's special guest, Jack.
(CHEERING)
(ROCK MUSIC)
Alright. Hughesy, who is Jack to you?
Uh, Jack is a man
who helped me once sabotage
a grand final.
Ooh! Alright.
Melissa, who is Jack to you?
This is Jack.
He and I used to compete
against each other
to see who could skin a rabbit
the fastest.
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
Interesting.
And, Chris, who is Jack to you?
This is Jack, and he was my ballroom
dancing partner when I was a boy.
(LAUGHTER)
So, there we have it.
Is Jack Hughesy's footy fiend,
Melissa's raw rabbit rival,
or Chris's ballroom buddy?
Frank's team?
It's a nice feeling
that at the moment, Jack,
you're all of those things to us.
So you're a charismatic character.
Um...
ABBIE: Very vivid facial expressions
from Jack.
So, Hughesy, you sabotaged
a grand final with Jack.
Yes.
What happened?
Uh, this is back in my home town
of Warrnambool
in country Vic...country Victoria.
And we...I used to play footy
with Jack
and, uh...yeah, and there was
a grand final
where our team didn't make
the grand final.
And we were angry.
We thought it was an injustice.
And, uh, so me
and a couple of other buddies
paid Jack
to saw down one of the goalposts
for the grand final,
like, in the middle of the night.
And so when grand final day came...
Oh, my God.
..one of the posts
had been sawn down.
Was the post left
sort of as a warning?
Like a horse's head in someone's bed
if you're a Mafia...
Well, no, the post was on...ended up
on the ground
and, like, the evidence was there
that it had been done.
And so they had to, like, you know,
re-put the post in. It cost a lot.
So it was successful. It didn't
go ahead, the footy final?
It did. It might've been delayed for
a few minutes. It was a big effort.
A few minutes!
"I can get a crane
in a few minutes.
"Oh, hang on. Oh, luckily
there's a crane in the car park."
I tell you, it was a big...
It made a big controversy
in the town on the day.
And, yeah, this is
a 30-year-old secret.
Why didn't you
saw it down yourselves?
You were young guys. Didn't you
have access to a saw or...?
Because we didn't want to do it
'cause it's an illegal act.
And, um, Jack actually,
afterwards and to this day,
has the nickname...
Guess what his nickname is.
I'm gonna go with 'Stumpy'.
(LAUGHTER)
CHRISSIE: Is it Stumpy? Yes or no?
I'm gonna go with 'Lumberjack'.
That would have been a good one!
His nickname to this day
is 'Hacksaw Jack'.
Great nickname.
I still have a million more
questions, but we're gonna move on.
We could be here for hours.
So, Melissa...
Who was Jack to you?
Jack, well, I-I lived for
a little time in Tasmania,
and I learned to hunt,
and so, yeah,
I got taught how to skin a rabbit
and then I got a bit competitive,
'cause I wanted to be better at it,
you know?
Jack lives in the farm
a couple of farms down,
and so we would go fishing, go do
hunting and things like that...
I understand that competitiveness.
You should see me on Christmas Day
with prawns.
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah.
Yeah!
I'm finding it undeniably
disturbing, but very compelling,
the image of you just, like,
tearing apart,
like, an animal
that you've just hunted...
Well, being in...
You should never go
to Petbarn with Melissa.
(LAUGHTER)
Describe to me the experience
of hunting a rabbit.
Um, well, I mean, you sort of...
You have the rifle
and obviously
everybody's really quiet,
and you all stay back behind,
you know, the fire line...
A big bag of carrots?
(LAUGHTER)
So you've got a gun?
Yeah, I have a-a rifle, yes.
I learned how to shoot with a .22.
You would be a good shot.
I'm pretty good.
Not very good with a shotgun,
but great with a rifle.
My greatest achievement
was learning how to shoot
around corners.
You shoot around corners?
I can shoot around corners.
That is an achievement.
You buy a rifle with a bend in it?
Yes, I did. (LAUGHS)
Did you ever have that experience
where the rabbit went into a hole
and you put the rifle in there
and the rifle came out here?
(LAUGHTER)
Yes. (LAUGHS)
You tied a little bow on it...
They do call me Elmer Fudd
back in Tasmania, so yes.
And you said you competed.
Do you think that you were
more successful or Jack was?
Well, Jack's been doing it for a lot
longer in terms of skinning rabbits.
So, I thought I was getting
pretty good by the end.
I could sort of get it done
in about a minute per rabbit.
That's quick.
Jack can do, I think, like, 30
seconds, something like, per rabbit.
I can't peel a mandarin in 30.
So fast. No, but it's just like...
Has Jack got the hands
of a rabbit skinner?
Can we see his hands?
Good question.
Could you hold your hands up,
please, Jack? Is that acceptable?
(GASPS)
Um, they do look strong.
They also look like you could cut...
Yeah, cut a goalpost.
Are you ready to move onto
Chris's connection with Jack?
No, because that is a lie.
(LAUGHTER)
OK, Chris, remind us
who Jack is to you.
This is Jack. He was my ballroom
dancing partner when I was a boy.
This might be a prejudice,
but my daughter is...is a dancer,
and most of the people
who attend are girls,
and so why were you
matched up with another boy?
Well, that is quite
a backward point of view, Frank.
Um...
(LAUGHTER)
No, this was, um, where I learnt
and did my classes,
the sexes didn't even out
so that every boy could learn
to dance with a girl.
Jack and I were both left over,
so they just partnered us.
I'm amazed that of the two
leftover boys, it was you and Jack.
(LAUGHTER)
I-I would not leave Jack
till the end.
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
He's getting snapped up first thing.
Are you a bit scared of Jack?
I am, yeah, scared and aroused.
(LAUGHTER)
He would definitely lead.
FRANK: He's a strong presence,
undeniably.
CHRISSIE: He really is a strong
presence, that's for sure.
What...what sort of dances
did you do with Jack?
What was your favourite?
Our favourite? The tango.
(LAUGHTER)
Now, the tango has a number of
different elements to it.
What was the most thrilling part
of the tango,
you and your tango with Jack?
I always liked being dipped by Jack.
I mean, there was a lot of that...
(SINGS) # Dun-dun-dun, duh-duh... #
CHRISSIE: Yes.
There was a lot of that.
Were you cheek to cheek?
And...
Well, Jack...Jack usually led,
being the elder of the two dancers.
So he led, and...
And also being the most terrifying.
Yeah.
He had a hacksaw, so you didn't
want to argue with him.
Surely, before we go any further,
we need to see a demonstration.
You and Frank could demonstrate.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
I'll play Jack.
I just wanted to say...
(LAUGHTER)
Alright, so, do you want lead
or should I lead?
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER)
And around!
Oh, my God, please be careful.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
And shift.
And dip.
CHRIS AND FRANK: Oh!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Something...
It was something like that.
Beautiful.
Jack showed absolutely no emotion
whatsoever through the whole thing.
He's traumatised.
Alright, we do need an answer,
so Frank's team,
is Jack Hughesy's footy fiend,
Melissa's raw rabbit rival
or Chris's ballroom buddy?
What'll it be? It's a tough one.
I think Melissa's telling the truth.
We've got Melissa's telling
the truth from Abbie.
I think Melissa's telling the truth,
but not about Jack.
She's replaced some poor
Tasmanian farmer...
(LAUGHTER)
..with Jack,
and he's gonna be at home
shaking his fist at the TV
saying, "Why is my story
being erased?"
(LAUGHS)
I think Jack sawed down the goalpost
with Hughesy.
What, we're in the presence
of Hacksaw Jack?
Yeah.
OK.
Frank, what do you think?
What was yours, Abbie?
I reckon Melissa.
Melissa.
Hughesy...
Is no-one buying the ballroom story?
(LAUGHTER)
Well, you will be in for a shock.
I'm gonna say...
I'm going with Melissa.
OK.
Lock it in.
(GASPS) Alright, Jack...
We get to hear him speak!
(LAUGHTER)
I'm so excited!
Jack, could you please reveal
your identity?
My name's Jack
and I helped Hughesy...
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
..sabotage...
..sabotage the grand final.
Ladies and gentlemen, Hacksaw Jack...
..in the flesh!
Legend!
Well, what a great story, Jack.
Thank you so much.
Hacksaw Jack, ladies and gentlemen.
We'll be back with more
Would I Lie To You?
right after the break.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
You're watching Would I Lie To You?
and it's time for our next round,
Possession,
in which a mystery object
may or may not belong
to one of our panellists.
It's up to the opposing team
to work out whether the stories
are truth or a lie.
Alright, Abbie, it's your turn.
You'll find a box under your bench.
Pop it on.
Open it up, put the object
on the bench
and then read us the card.
Oh, what is that?
It's a yellow lid of some sort.
A cap. It's a bottle cap, isn't it?
Alright, let's read your card, Abbie.
Alright.
I have this lid tattooed somewhere
on my body.
Apparently.
Right.
The first question is...why?
(LAUGHS)
My friends and I had a few drinks...
one day,
and we wanted to get
matching tattoos.
And we were at a KFC
and I...
You didn't want to pay for a tattoo
of a whole chicken leg...
So I...I love this particular brand
of iced tea.
So we thought, "Inspo,"
with the girls,
had a few drinks at Noosa,
"We'll go to a KFC
and draw a tattoo."
But what's the tattoo actually of?
So, it's used as an outline.
It's actually, like, a moon.
So rather than use a moon...
(LAUGHS)
I can't stencil the moon, Chris.
No, but you could find
an illustration of a moon
quite easily, I imagine.
Yeah, but we were drunk.
We were drunk at KFC.
MAN: They used a sim.
We believe that bit, alright?
But wouldn't the tattoo artist...
Don't they do the stencil?
Why are you stencilling?
He was an apprentice
tattoo artist...
CHRISSIE: Oh, God!
And where did... Are they all
in the same place, the tattoos?
They're all the exact same. They're
in different locations, though.
MELISSA: Yeah.
Wait... Someone ask the question.
Where's yours?
That's private, Melissa Leong.
Is your moon near your moon,
is that what you're saying?
It just feels like a Gold Coast
story to me, to be honest.
No, but...
It doesn't feel like a Noosa story.
The last place you would eat
in Noosa is KFC.
Noosa, there's not that many
tattoo parlours in Noosa, surely.
You'd only need one tattoo parlour.
And an apprentice.
I find it more plausible,
having been to Noosa,
that there's a tattoo parlour there
than a KFC.
To have two of them together
at Noosa...
Everything's hatted
restaurants at Noosa.
Yeah, it's hard to believe.
Yeah.
At tattoo parlours,
do they have breathalysers?
So, I mean, can you...
They'd never get any work.
So, I don't think
he breathalysed us,
because he...he just
didn't really care.
(LAUGHTER)
Just to let you know,
from here you can't see it,
but she's also got a tattoo
of a cork just there.
(LAUGHS)
I believe this story.
You believe this?!
Absolutely 100% believe this story,
and I've never been more confident
about anything.
Which part of when
she started speaking
did you start believing?
No, I believe drunk, KFC, tattoo...
The Noosa KFC's put me off a bit,
but I reckon...
I agree, but I don't think
your story falls down
on whether there's a KFC in Noosa.
(LAUGHS)
No, there's several
way more implausible things
about this story.
CHRISSIE: What are they?
The fact that if you wanted
a tattoo of a moon,
rather than go to someone
who's in the business
who has a whole pamphlet
full of moons of various sizes
and authenticity,
you go, "Screw that,
"I've got a Lipton's iced tea lid
"that I want you
to replicate exactly,
"but not too exactly,
"'cause then it would look like
a lid and not a moon."
There is not a single part
of this story that adds up.
MELISSA: I agree. I think...
What I'm getting from all...
..from that rant...
..from that rant,
I'm getting that you live
a boring life.
This woman lives, and she lives
randomly and she lives on the edge
and she...she does stuff like that.
Hughesy's seen every single frame
of your Instagram.
I'm saying...
We've got to get this right.
But I feel like, if it was
a homemade shit tatt gun,
like when you do them yourself,
then the lid thing is plausible,
but I think if you're going to
a tattoo studio,
you're right, you have pages
and pages of flash to choose from.
They print it out,
they draw it on...
Guys, you're both thinking
with a sober mind.
(LAUGHTER)
It's true.
LLOYD: I'll be frank.
Having listened to the story,
I now feel drunk.
(LAUGHTER)
Alright...
Alright, Chris's team...
I'm going true.
Look, you're saying true.
I don't believe a word of it.
I'm saying false.
That's two falses.
I'm sorry, Hughesy...
You've...
Well...
(LAUGHTER)
Sometimes I don't know why I bother!
You know, Hughesy,
you're the only person
that has come on this show
and wanted to win.
(LAUGHTER)
I want...
I want to...
"We've gotta keep those sweet points
for ourselves!"
I wasn't gonna say anything,
but backstage he made the Dalai Lama
bless our team before the...
That's how seriously he took it.
If this is true, I'm gonna get
a tattoo of that thing.
AUDIENCE: Oh!
Come on!
Come on!
Can we go to KFC first?
Awesome.
Come on, baby!
We're gonna say lie.
It's a lie?
Alright, Abbie Chatfield,
is this story a truth or a lie?
The story is...the truth.
(CHIMING)
(GASPS AND CRIES)
MELISSA: Oh, my God!
What's that...
Ahhh!
If you'd like to see
how bad it's done...
It's not the same size.
We had to get it re-scaled.
DAVE: You people...
Irrefutable...
You people!
My talent here is wasted!
You people have got to
start listening to me.
We were drunk at KFC,
we had the lid,
I was like, "Girls,
we have our inspiration.
"Let's get something unique."
It's very beautiful,
as it turns out.
It's hideous.
CHRIS: I will say,
it's much nicer than the lid,
so the apprentice
did a very good job.
Well, you're gonna be seeing it
for the rest of your life!
CHRISSIE: You really will!
It's time for a break. We'll see
you soon on Would I Lie To You?
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Catch up on all the comedy with
full episodes of Would I Lie To You?
on 10 play on demand.
(APPLAUSE)
Welcome back to Would I Lie To You?
and it's time for Quick Fire Lies.
Just a reminder -
the story on the card
could be completely familiar
to our panellists
or something we just made up.
Alright, Lloyd, it's your turn.
(AUDIENCE TITTERS)
I was once pinned against
my living room wall by my couch
for 45 minutes.
(LAUGHTER)
Alright, Chris's team,
what do you make of it?
Uh...why did the couch attack you?
So, I was living with my brother
and his partner at the time,
like, staying with them
kind of temporarily
when I was looking
for somewhere to live.
My brother's partner
didn't like me being there.
(LAUGHTER)
Um...
Why? (LAUGHS)
She, uh... She found mould
in the bedroom where I was sleeping
and she thought that
I was responsible for it.
(LAUGHTER)
Also, there was
this kind of running joke
that I, um...I was a comedian
and I didn't have a proper job
and I spent all day in the house
kind of doing nothing.
So when was this? How old are you?
Oh, I'm 38 now.
I reckon it was, like...
maybe five or six years ago.
Right.
I was in the house alone.
Actually, no. Um...
(MELISSA SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)
Uh, their pet cat was there.
Um...Maurice.
Me and Maurice, like,
didn't get along.
So, most people in this household
don't like you.
(LAUGHTER)
So, I was trying to charge
my mobile phone
and the power socket was
in this sort of awkward place
behind the sofa
and I leant over the back
of the sofa to try and...
Reach it.
Yeah. To plug...plug it in.
And then my body weight...
..moved the sofa against my own arm.
That's like that story
in the canyon.
Did you think of cutting
your arm off?
Yeah, but that guy was there
for, like, 127 hours.
I was there for, like, 45 minutes.
(LAUGHTER)
Was Maurice enjoying the situation?
Was he watching?
Maurice was, like,
kind of, like, walking round,
jumping up on the sofa,
I guess taunting me.
(LAUGHTER)
I need to ask -
what sort of mobile phone was it?
It was like an Apple iPhone.
Uh, when...
Hey. What year did they come in?
CHRIS: This was quite recent.
(LAUGHTER)
CHRISSIE: Within...
Well before five years ago.
(APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER)
FRANK: Good try, but...
So what are your tactics?
What are you doing to try
and extricate yourself
from this situation?
A lot of angry wriggling.
(LAUGHS)
DAVE: Did you... Did you...
Could we see some angry wriggling?
Fuck off, Maurice!
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
FRANK: Why didn't you just use
your other arm...
ABBIE: I was about to say...
..to push the...?
Yeah.
Like, why didn't you do that?
I was kind of...counterweighted.
So...so the more I tried,
the more it felt my arm
was getting stuck against the wall.
And then it went numb and I was
like, "Oh, this takes me back."
(CHRISSIE LAUGHS) Yeah!
(LAUGHTER)
And it went limp
and then it became easier eventually
to kind of manoeuvre it out.
This sounds like
a harrowing experience.
What was your brother's
girlfriend's reaction
when you told her what you'd endured?
Well, my chief worry
wasn't about my arm.
My chief worry was her
coming home from work
and finding me
stuck behind the sofa...
Yeah.
..trying to plug my mobile phone in.
How far away from the wall
was the couch?
'Cause it needed...
It would need some space to...
To tilt.
..tilt.
I mean...
(LAUGHTER)
Were they even listening
to you, Lloyd?
I honestly wish I'd brought along
the architectural plans.
(CHRISSIE LAUGHS)
The couch is flush against the wall.
MELISSA: Yep.
Right?
So you moved the sofa?
I had to pull the...the sofa out...
Yeah.
..to get at the socket.
I mean...
The socket was in an awkward place,
or you could say the couch
was in the wrong place.
I don't know you very well,
but you don't strike me as
a particularly industrious person.
So you wouldn't have pushed it...
(LAUGHTER)
DAVE: But, Mel... But, Mel...
..pushed the sofa a metre away.
But also... But, Mel, what you're
saying there is why this is true.
He's not... He hasn't got the energy
to make that up!
No.
(LAUGHTER)
Is Mel your brother's partner?
(LAUGHTER)
But also...
DAVE: I think it's true.
I think it's true.
Was it the only power point
in the apartment?
'Cause surely if there's something
hidden behind a couch,
you go, "Well, I don't even know
there's a power point there
"to attempt this ridiculous thing."
Go into the kitchen,
make the coffee, plug in the phone.
Yeah, there's always a power point
in the kitchen.
Guys, guys, it's true.
(LAUGHTER)
Can you just answer that question?
Of all the power points in this
house, why did you choose this one?
This feels like the only question
on this show
where the panellist's
life choices...
(LAUGHTER)
..are being thoroughly critiqued.
(LAUGHTER)
Why did I choose a power point
in the living room?
'Cause that was where
I spent most of my day.
(LAUGHTER)
What? I'm not plugging my phone
in the kitchen and walking back.
That's why we've got mobile phones.
I guess on form
we've been wrong in the past
and Hughesy has been right.
This is it.
This is the moment where...
(LAUGHTER)
If Hughesy thinks...
It's a true story.
We're gonna say true.
Oh. High stakes.
Alright, Lloyd, is it a truth
or is it a lie?
It is...
..true.
(CHIMING)
CHRISSIE: Yay!
(APPLAUSE)
Yes! Yes!
CHRISSIE: Yes, Hughesy.
Nice going, Hughesy.
It is true Lloyd was once pinned
to a wall
by a piece of furniture
for 45 minutes.
Lloyd really putting the 'ouch'
back into 'couch' there.
It's time for a break. We'll see you
soon on Would I Lie To You?
(APPLAUSE)
Welcome back to Would I Lie To You?
and we are in the middle of the round
we call Quick Fire Lies.
Hughesy, you are up next.
I once talked myself
into having an overactive bladder.
Bladder?
Just say that...
Say that again for me.
Bladder.
(LAUGHTER)
How...how often were you...
At the height of the overactivity,
when your bladder was
at its most industrious...
(LAUGHTER)
..how often did you go?
Probably, uh, like, I don't know,
a couple of months, maybe,
before I talked myself out of it.
Um, yeah, it was probably...
I was going every 15 minutes.
Which is annoying!
Really. Yeah, it's annoying.
It's a true story. Absolutely.
I talked myself into it
because I was an ambassador
for an overactive bladder company.
No, you were not.
I was.
Oh, my God!
So, hang on, what is
an overactive bladder company?
Are they pro overactivity
or anti overactivity?
No, they don't want people
to be overactive in their bladder.
They want to stop people
being overactive
'cause it's a bloody...
it's an issue.
It's an issue and there are people
who help you stop
having an overactive bladder.
And you were doing advertising...
I was the spokesperson.
You were the spokesperson.
I was the one who said, "Guys, who's
got an overactive bladder? I do."
And at the time, I didn't have it.
But in saying that so often...
(AUDIENCE TITTERS)
I have to confess, like, am I the
only one who needs to do a wee now?
Yeah.
I need to do a wee now.
Just talking about it...
Yes! Absolutely.
..it is getting into my head.
So I did it.
I went on talk shows
to talk about it.
Why would you sign up
to be an ambassador
for an issue that you don't suffer?
Uh...
(ABBIE LAUGHS)
Because of the money!
(ABBIE LAUGHS)
(APPLAUSE)
CHRISSIE: Hughesy, the shame.
So, how did you... How did you
finally turn things around?
Well, I sort of...
I didn't do anything in particular.
It faded away as the memory
of the campaign faded away
and I ended up, yeah,
without an overactive bladder.
But I honestly truly hope
talking about it today
doesn't retrigger it, so...
Continence Week is a thing
and I'm guessing...
Yes!
..you were an ambassador for that.
There is a dance involved
for Continence Week.
Can you remember that?
I've got a vague memory
of doing a dance...
Who wants to see how much
he remembers of the dance?
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
You've got to understand
I'm the world's worst dancer,
which is proved by anyone
who's watched 'The Masked Singer'.
Uh...
(LAUGHS)
Anyway, what... It was...
It's great.
(LAUGHTER)
Don't want to.
Wish... Wish I didn't have to wee.
Wish I didn't have to wee.
Wish I didn't have to wee.
And I did that on live television
next to David and Sonia!
(LAUGHTER)
It was a bit like that.
You are a terrible ambassador
if that's what you're doing!
Well, they didn't renew me,
did they?
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
Thank you, Hughesy.
What do you make of it all?
Any more questions?
Is it a company or a charity?
No, I think they were a company.
What's the product?
The product, I believe,
go and see your doctor.
(LAUGHS HEARTILY)
Get a commission for every GP.
If you've got a problem, like I do,
go and see your doctor.
And the irony is...
I never went and saw a doctor. Yeah.
Yeah. Understandable.
No, that's a lie.
Alright, Team Frank...
(LAUGHTER)
(ABBIE LAUGHS) Alright.
Yeah, the product doesn't sound
convincing, does it?
No, I think we're actually fairly
unanimous. We think that's a lie.
You think it's a lie? Alright.
Hughesy, is that a truth or a lie?
Truth.
(CHIMING)
(ABBIE LAUGHS)
(APPLAUSE)
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Whoo-hoo!
Anything for money...Dave Hughes.
Yeah, but I paid...
I got the syndrome.
And it was... It was... It is...
I tell you, go see your doctor.
Uh...
No, it was a true...
That's a true story.
It's karma.
Yeah. Absolutely.
It's true. Dave once talked himself
into having an overactive bladder.
These days his main concern is
managing his overactive mouth.
(LAUGHTER)
(BUZZER)
Oh! And that noise signals that time
is up. It's the end of the show.
I know!
(APPLAUSE)
And I can reveal that
tonight's winner is Chris's team.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Whoo!
(APPLAUSE)
But it's not just a team game.
My individual player of the night -
he'll be very pleased with this -
it's Hughesy.
That's... That's... Come on.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
And that is it
for Would I Lie To You?
Thank you so much for watching.
Goodnight.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
Captions by Red Bee Media