Would I Lie to You? (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript
The aim of the game is to sort the facts from the fibs, and it's up to ourbstar-studded panel of guests to try and send the other team down the did they? or didn't they? rabbit hole.
(THEME MUSIC)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Hello, and welcome to
Would I Lie To You?,
the show that's a bit like one big
polygraph test for celebrities.
I'm Chrissie Swan,
and joining me are two teams
who will take turns reading stories.
It's up to the opposing team
to determine whether
the story is true or a lie.
The team with the most
correct guesses wins.
Captaining our first team tonight,
from the satirical comedy group
The Chaser,
it's Chris Taylor.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Joining Chris is a man
who once played the role
of Harold Bishop's lover.
Hmm. Talk about a dream role!
Please welcome Ross Noble.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Chris's other team member
is a Gold Logie winner
and hosts 'The Project'.
She's definitely
the Carrie of the group.
Waleed is absolutely the Samantha.
Please welcome Carrie Bickmore.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Captaining our second team tonight,
it's comedian Frank Woodley.
CHRIS: Hey!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Joining Frank is a comedian
whose special subject
on 'Celebrity Mastermind' last year
was the film 'Dumb & Dumber'.
Unfortunately, on the night,
her celebrity opponents proved
smarter and smarterer than her.
Here's Zoe Coombs Marr.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
And finally,
he is a writer and comedian
who used to work for Centrelink.
So if anyone has any questions
for him tonight,
they'll have to take a number
and be prepared for a 3-hour wait.
It's the gorgeous Luke McGregor.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Thank you.
Let's play.
First up is Home Truths,
where our panellists each read out
a statement from the card
in front of them.
The card will contain either
a truth from the panellist's life
or a lie that we just made up,
but they won't know which one
they get until they read it aloud.
It's up to the opposing team to sort
the facts from the fabrications.
Ross, you're up first.
Sir Rod, um...
Sir Rod Stewart and I once built
a sandcastle in the South of France.
So, Sir...
You're giving, um, Sir Rod the
appropriate level of respect there.
Not just 'Rod Stewart'...
Says it on the card.
So...
'Sir Rod Stewart'.
How did you come to be on a beach
with Sir Rod Stewart?
It's the South of France, isn't it?
That's where all the big stars
hang out.
Rod was on a...a...
one of them yachts.
You know, like a superyacht.
CHRIS: Superyacht.
And...I wasn't.
But he got off and...went off it
to built a sandcastle.
You yelled out to his yacht?
I said, "Oi, Rod!
Get off the yacht."
And he said,
"What? Who's that calling?"
No, so there's...there's beaches
in the South of France, right?
Yeah, I believe that.
(CHRISSIE LAUGHS)
So I was there...
How did you come to be
building a sandcastle together?
Well, I...'cause I was build...
Like, I've...
My family, we went down to the be...
We finished, uh, dinner
and then we went down to the beach.
And I love a sandcastle.
And I don't just, like,
build a little sand...
I'm like, "Right!
We're building it!"
So I've got big battlements
and walls
and I've got all the turrets
going on.
And then there's Rod...
Sir Rod Stewart...
(LAUGHS)
He's an old man.
He's, like, an old fella
and he's got young kids
and he's like,
"Ohh! I'm an old man on the beach."
So his kid...
No, it's what he's like. He's...
Like, on stage, you know...
(SINGS) # Wake up, Ma... #
But he's like,
"Ohh, I need a lie-down.
"I'm...I'm very old." And...
But he's got young kids, hasn't he?
Yeah.
'Cause he's, like...
he's got, like, a young wife.
So they've seen me, like,
king sandcastle-maker.
King of the castle...
King of the castle.
..as some would say.
That's why everyone on the...
(FRENCH ACCENT)
"Whoa, look at Noble.
"He is the king of the castle."
Like that.
And they'd say it in English
with a French accent like...
All... So I could understand.
(LAUGHS)
So his kids had joined in
and got, like, into it.
And would you say that Sir Rod
was a proficient sandcastle-maker?
To be honest, he was probably
more into it than the kids
once he got going,
you know what I mean?
Right.
Once Sir Rod...
I think it's like he thought
he was on stage or something.
Right.
Something clicked into...into gear.
And he was, like, "Whoa!"
And the sun was like the lights
of a rock gig.
And he's like,
"Alright, I've got the energy."
I thought, "Oh, here's the Rod
I know and love."
And then he was...
Not even using a shovel.
Like a dog.
Like a...
..dog, like that.
And his hat blew off at one point.
And he's digging like that.
And I'm going, "Come on, Rod."
The kids...the kids - gone.
All the kids were gone.
It's just you and Rod left?
It was lit... It was just me
and Rod Stewart, digging like dogs.
And did you...
Like doggies, we were.
Um, did you get...was there
a sense of competitiveness
between you and Rod?
Or were you working together?
It was a great collaboration or...
It was a team. It was a team. It's
like, "Quick! The sea's coming in."
And I'm going, "Oh, you're...you're
gonna have to get back on your boat
"before the tide goes out."
And go... (SINGS) # Sailing
(ALL JOIN IN) # We are sailing... #
And all the French people...
You know?
I didn't want to...I didn't want to
do that with my hands.
I needed them for digging.
Did you think he was sexy?
He asked me...
Just because that is something...
He kept asking me,
"Do you think I'm sexy?"
"Do you?" Over and over again.
Yeah.
He said, "Do you like my body?"
I said, "This is not...
"This is not the right time,"
you know?
And he kept calling me Maggie.
That's not true.
Ross, apart from the design
of the sandcastle,
which I'm sure was a hot topic
of conversation between you two men,
what else did you talk about
with Sir Rod Stewart?
It's all...like, once you're
in the sandcastle...building,
that's all you focus on.
You built it big enough
that you could get into it?
You were in the sandcastle building?
Uh, no, as you get into the...
Get into the...into the whole...
Yeah.
I mean, that... I mean, me and Rod
Stewart getting into a sandcastle.
I mean, that's ridiculous!
Yeah.
What do you think? Truth or a lie?
I feel...I think it's true.
He also said he had to get from
the superyacht to the shore...
Yeah...
And then go back to the superyacht
before the tide went out.
That's where I felt,
"Maybe he's making this up."
The superyacht is, like...
They have a boat that goes out
to the yacht.
OK, so I thought it was true,
but then you started finding
a bit of a crack
and then Ross tried to convince you
it was true,
which makes me think
that maybe it's a lie.
OK, now I don't...I don't know.
Sorry. (LAUGHS)
CHRISSIE: I'll need an answer.
That didn't help me at all, guys.
I...I want it to be...true.
So we want it to be true.
And I think it's either true
or a lie.
Yeah.
I'm gonna have to go
with my instincts here
because I'm not getting really
enough direction from the team
and I'm gonna...I'm gonna say,
like, I believe that it's a lie.
A lie.
Ross, was that a truth or a lie?
It is in fact...
..a truth.
(CHIMING)
Of course it is.
Of course it is.
And I think you've got the picture,
haven't you?
What a great story.
Yes, we do. We've got proof.
If you can call it that.
There we are.
Oh! There's a photo.
There you go.
Now, whilst I'm looking at it,
I can see you...
Technically,
you can't see our faces.
But there's Rod.
Not as conclusive
as it could've been.
I know. Which one's you
and which one's...
I'm the one that does look like
a very old man with a bad back.
Love that. That's a great story.
Alright, Luke, you're up next.
OK.
I am highly skilled in taekwondo.
(SUSTAINED LAUGHTER)
CHRIS: Uh...
Uh...
That is cruel laughter.
They're all the people
that have beaten me up.
What are we, um...
Where... So let's just...
let's just set the bar.
When you say "highly skilled",
what are we...
what are we talking here?
Almost black belt.
I'm a...brown belt.
Ooh! Ooh!
Can you name any other colour belt?
Is a brown belt...
I can just name colours
and I bet you there's a belt
out there with that colour.
So what age are we talking?
When did you take it up?
Early.
What's 'early'?
Before I could walk. No. Uh...
Um, I don't know, like...
Like, straight out of the womb,
down to the taekwondo...
Yeah, I blocked the doctor. Um...
Nice try.
Keeping the cord.
Hah!
Chopped it myself.
Did your own?
Yeah.
Um, uh, like, seven, I guess?
Seven.
Yeah.
And do you still do it now?
No, no, I've got enough skills.
I'm...
Highly...
Yeah.
It's almost you reach
a point of skill level
where you can't get any higher.
It's too dangerous.
You try and shake someone's hand
and you chop it off.
You get too good, yeah.
What do they call the place
that you do taekwondo in?
Uh, like a...like a Scout hall?
Technically true.
Isn't it a dojo or something?
And I have to say,
the Scouts are furious about that.
What was the name of your sensei?
Hank.
(LAUGHTER)
Hank.
And they... Where...
Surely, you must have heard of him.
Oh, yeah.
Have you ever needed to use
the skill in real life?
Yeah, a couple of times, yeah.
When was that?
Uh, well, at school
I had a...a kid called Simon, um,
tried to, uh...tried...tried it on.
And I did a couple of...
Oh!
..couple of spin kicks and, um...
I didn't hit him,
but I just showed him
that if you come near me, this
is what you'll have to deal with.
I'm struggling to imagine him
pirouetting and Simon being, "Ahh!"
Well, you've never tried to...
to beat me up.
But if you were, then you'd see it.
Frank, could you just...
Be Simon.
..go for his neck?
Could you just...
You want him to be killed? Nuh.
Yeah, listen, I don't feel safe
doing this, Ross.
I feel like...
Can you show us some of the...
I feel like I need to see
some of it in action.
No, I don't...
Can you just push...
Come on, just...just...
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
(FRANK LAUGHS)
So this is, um...
this is how you stand at the start.
Sorry, what point of the fight
is this?
This is... Oh, this is pre-fight.
So the first step is to look like
you're taking a shit.
No, this is...
Do you take a shit like this?
How do...how do you think
he got his brown belt?
And then, uh, the main stance
is, uh...is...is...is...is that.
And then when you punch,
you put your hand here
and you, huh, it's that - hah.
And then when you punch,
where's your weight?
Which leg is your weight on?
I...I just... I... I don't...
I'm not gonna teach
without getting paid.
So... Ahh!
Right.
That... It'd be...
OK.
I... I know. I can't...
I can't betray Hank like that.
It's...it's his secret techniques.
You said there were two instances
that you've had to use this
in real life.
What's the second one?
Uh...I was in an alleyway
and both my parents got shot.
Um...
I...
Oh, it was a...
a kid called Bradley.
And I, uh...he stole my Tic...
he stole my KitKat
and I went to grab my KitKat back
and I accidentally
pulled his tie off.
And he said...he said,
"I'll see you at lunchtime."
And, um...
And then when we actually
got down to...at lunch,
he said, "I don't...
I don't want to fight."
And so it was just a lot of
us pretending to fight.
So there was a lot of this and...
(LAUGHS)
What sort of KitKat was it?
2 Finger? Chunky?
Uh...
It was a, yeah, 2...the 2...
the 2 Finger.
Of course they came in...
You can't get one KitKat.
You can't break it.
You can get 4 Fingers.
You can get the Chunky.
I don't want this to be
the thing that undoes me.
And did you, uh...
Um...
Did you have the KitKat
for your lunch that day?
It was actually for recess
and we fought at lunch.
What do you think?
I know Luke
and I know he's very cautious,
so part of me thinks,
as a kid, he would've done it
just as a thing to make sure
he felt safe.
He also strikes me as someone
who would've been beaten up a lot,
who needed to arm himself with
the skills to...
AUDIENCE: Ohh!
(CHRIS LAUGHS AWKWARDLY)
Where were you, Chris?
(LAUGHS)
He...he did say that the...
he said the KitKat was the...
He did say that
the KitKat was at recess.
It all comes back to the KitKat.
He said the KitKat was at recess
and then I tried tricking him
by saying 'lunch'
and he corrected me
and said it was recess.
For...for me...
Gee, we've got a real Mrs Marple.
I think it's true as well.
I...
I think it might be true as well.
I think it's...
Luke, they're going with true.
Is that true or is it a lie?
I hope I don't break this.
It is...
(CHRISSIE LAUGHS)
..true.
(CHIMING)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Of course that is a true story and
Luke is highly skilled in taekwondo.
And if you want more proof
that Luke has always been
a bad-ass, take-no-prisoners,
martial arts master,
take a look at
his first membership card.
PANELLISTS: Aw!
(LAUGHTER)
What a darling!
You're supposed to be intimidated.
That is a killer. That's a killer.
"Supposed to be intimidated".
It is time for a break.
But first, what if I told you
that it's absolutely true
that one of our six players tonight
disguised themselves
as a piece of luggage
on an airport baggage carousel?
Who do you think would've done that?
I'll have the answer next
on Would I Lie To You?
Welcome back to Would I Lie To You?
And before the break, we pondered
which of our panellists
had disguised themselves
as a piece of luggage
on an airport baggage carousel.
The answer is, of course,
Ross Noble did that.
Why?
It was pre-9/11
and I was at an airport
and I saw the carousel thing
going through
and I saw two guys
loading up the bags,
and I jumped on the carousel
and just went through the back
and the guys went,
"What are you doing back here?"
And I went, "I'm gonna ride around."
And they went,
"Yeah, go on, then," so...
And then one of them said,
"I've got a big plastic bag
"and get in this."
So I climbed inside
and I pretended to be asleep.
And then I came out
with all the other bags
and I went, "Oh, God, I'm here,"
and jumped up and ran off.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
Fantastic.
Alright, Carrie, would you please
read out your home truth?
Whenever I donate blood,
I always ask for the same nurse
because we have a little
Dracula role-play thing going on.
(LAUGHS) Right.
So it's...it's sexual in nature,
or...?
No!
OK.
I just get nervous.
No further questions.
Oh, sorry, were you gonna ask that?
No, no, no!
No.
So...so how regularly
do you give blood?
Every couple of months.
Do you have a vampire fetish?
Is that why you...?
No. I get very nervous giving blood.
I don't like giving blood.
OK, so I'm gonna go back to
Luke's question.
If not sexual in nature,
what is a Dracula role-play like?
So I haven't seen a lot of movies.
Um, as a kid we didn't watch
a lot of movies.
And I've never actually seen
'Dracula'.
So one day she made a joke - the
nurse made a joke - about 'Dracula'
and I said, "I haven't seen it,"
and so now she acts out scenes
from the movie
to distract me while I give blood.
So, an example of one of
those scenes might be...
I don't...I don't remember.
She does a lot of stuff
with her hands. Um, she...
But Dracula doesn't use a needle,
so...
To be fair, I'm... No.
That's true.
She doesn't...
She puts the needle in, leaves it,
and then...
She doesn't put the syringes
up into her mouth and...
Two needles and...
No?
So, hang on. She does a bit of...
Like, when she does the lines,
she does some of the actions with it
to be theatrical.
(IMITATES DRACULA) Like,
"I vant to suck your blood."
She doesn't just sit there going,
"I want to suck your blood."
She gets into character.
If I was gonna try and make someone
feel more comfortable
at a blood bank,
the last character I'd play
is Dracula.
It's almost the last film
you'd re-enact, isn't it?
That'd really scare people.
That's why it's funny.
She's not gonna do
'Saving Private Ryan', is she?
She's not gonna get the end
of the tube... (GROANS)
And when she goes from your room to
the next room, does she ever just...
(IMITATES BAT WINGS FLAPPING)
No. Sometimes I'm in a room
with somebody else
and then they get in on it as well.
Right. OK.
What if the other patient
likes another movie?
Is she gonna do every movie?
She does other things.
Well, I haven't seen other movies,
so if I haven't seen a movie,
I'll say...
Get her to do 'Trainspotting'.
Well, I haven't seen that either.
Stick the needle in and then...
(HUMS 'LUST FOR LIFE' BY IGGY POP)
She could do 'The Human Centipede'
with one patient, I mean...
(AUDIENCE GROANS AND LAUGHS)
It's just...
That just means you've seen
'The Human Centipede'.
She's obviously a film buff
and it probably brings pleasure
for her work
that she gets to re-create all these
movies with different patients.
But she might not be a film buff.
Carrie doesn't know.
She could have...
No, she does love films.
OK, what do you think, Team Frank?
Is this the truth or a lie?
(LUKE GROANS)
I don't think it's true?
(LAUGHS)
I think it might be true.
I don't...
I think it's true and Carrie
is being deliberately vague.
LUKE: Yeah, and also I want
to live in that world
where a nurse pretends
to be Dracula.
ZOE: Yeah!
True.
So you say it's the truth?
I think we're gonna say
that it's true.
Alright, Carrie.
Is that a truth or a lie?
It is...a lie.
(CHIMING)
(CONTESTANTS GROAN)
(APPLAUSE)
Gotcha!
I really thought that would have...
..that would have made me unstuck,
to be honest.
Next up is you, Chris.
As an impulse purchase,
I once bought a pet duck.
(LAUGHS) Alright.
Where were you?
I was in a rural...sort of
a ducky sort of area.
Uh...I was in the Hunter Valley
and there was, um...there was
one of those sandwich boards
beside the road that said,
"Ducklings, $10."
And I thought, "That's good value."
Like, I defy anyone to drive past
that sandwich board
and not at least be curious enough
to go inside to...
Well, yeah, you're normally paying
12 or 15 for a duck.
I thought $10 sounded like
good value.
Sorry, when was this?
I would...I would have been, like,
in my early 30s.
I think it was around 2007.
Ducks did exist at that time.
$10 for a duckling.
And that was pre the financial
crisis, so people were spending big.
That feels pricey to me
for a duckling.
Yeah, they're not really...
they're not really a one-off cost.
As a city...as a city boy,
that felt like good value.
That's how they get you!
I don't know the going rate.
To me, the fact that you said,
"As a city boy,"
like, why would a city person
be buying a duck to take home?
They're pretty cute, though.
Well, I did learn that.
They're... (LAUGHS) Um...
I was with my then-girlfriend
at the time.
Whoo!
(LAUGHTER)
Chicks love ducks!
He told this duck story just so
he could brag he had a girlfriend.
(LAUGHTER)
She, um... We didn't really
think it through, it's fair to say.
Like, I lived in an inner-city
studio at the time.
Like, a studio apartment.
Not really a duck-friendly place.
What did you call it?
Lenny.
How long did you have Lenny for?
What happ... Why did Lenny...
I had Lenny...
Till he got the fox.
(LAUGHTER)
Well, I saw this sign,
"Foxes, only $8,"
and I said, "You can't
drive past that sign."
Um, I think I had Lenny
for about three weeks
before I found
alternative arrangements for him.
What were
the alternative arrangements?
What did you do to Lenny, Chris?
So, I found...we had a family friend
who had a farm.
Oh, well, you know what it means
when Lenny's gone to live on a farm.
I...'cause I remember
my brother said to me once,
like, I said,
"Oh, my friend Michael,
"his little dog's gone
to live on a farm,"
and my brother said,
"That actually means
"that the little dog's
been put down."
I went, "The whole family
went to live on the farm!"
(LAUGHTER)
As it turns out...as it turns out,
no sooner had...had
Lenny moved to the farm
that he WAS eaten by a fox,
like, on his first night.
Oh, no.
He was way safer in my apartment
than once he was let into the wild.
Sorry to bring a downer
on the Lenny story,
but it wasn't...it wasn't
a happy ending for him.
That's so sad.
Well, that's a real...
I don't really have
any other questions.
Just a real sad way to end.
We just...we really want it
to be a lie now, don't we?
To save Lenny.
We really do.
So for the sake of the
"Keep Lenny alive",
we're going to say that...
Although he's not alive if...
No, he doesn't exist.
(LAUGHTER)
To keep the fictional Lenny alive
by him not existing,
I think it's better to have...
to have not existed.
OK, I can...I can do this.
We're gonna say...
ROSS: It's better...
It's better to have loved and lost
than to have not existed ever.
(LAUGHTER)
We lose either way - either
this beautiful duck didn't exist
or the duck got eaten by a fox.
If it helps,
we don't know Lenny died.
They just told me...
That a fox got him.
They told me there was
a "fox incident".
Oh, like it's a prank!
"Oh, I told him a fox!"
(LAUGHTER)
No! To be fair...
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
No-one...no-one ever told me
he got eaten by a fox.
LUKE: OK.
They said, "There's been
an incident with a fox."
(LAUGHS) There was an...there was
an incident with a fox.
"We looked out
and we saw Lenny riding a fox."
I think it's...I hope it's a lie.
Yeah, let's go lie.
We're saying it's a lie.
Unanimous. Is it a lie
or is it the truth?
LUKE: Gonna make us sad?
The story of Lenny
is, of course, true.
(CHIMING)
(CONTESTANTS EXCLAIM)
CARRIE: I even thought
it was a lie! Lenny!
And now...and now,
ladies and gentlemen,
ladies and gentlemen,
if you don't mind,
we're gonna have a minute's silence
for Lenny.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
Don't go anywhere.
We'll be back with more
Would I Lie To You? after the break.
(ROCK MUSIC)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Welcome back to Would I Lie To You?
Our next round is called
This Is My...,
where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection
to one of our panellists.
This week, each of Frank's team
will claim it's them
that has the genuine connection
to the guest.
But it's up to Chris's team to spot
who's telling the truth.
So please welcome Vanessa.
(ROCK MUSIC)
(CHEERING)
Hi, Vanessa. She can't speak to me.
She's not being rude.
Luke, who is Vanessa to you?
Uh, this is Vanessa.
And I once serenaded her
with an original love song.
(LAUGHTER)
Zoe, who is Vanessa to you?
Uh, this is Vanessa.
Uh, we were in a shampoo commercial
together.
I was the before
and she was the after.
Mm-hm. And, Frank,
who is Vanessa to you?
Not just to me,
but to everybody she knows.
This is...
(LAUGHTER)
This is Vanessa,
and she's the lifeguard
who rescued me
when I found myself trapped
in a deck chair.
(LAUGHTER)
So there we have it.
Is Vanessa Luke's love song listener?
Zoe's shiny-haired shampooer?
Or Frank's liberating lifeguard?
Chris's team,
where do you want to start?
We'll start with Luke.
CHRIS: Let's start with Luke.
So, how old are you
when you meet Vanessa?
Oh...high school? High school.
Just vocal, or, like,
with an instrument, or...?
Both.
ROSS: What was the instrument?
Guitar.
Was Vanessa aware
that you were interested in her
before you serenaded her?
I-I don't know, but she definitely
was when she heard the love song.
(LAUGHTER)
What happened when you played it?
I don't think Ness was as keen
on me as...
I don't think she was working on a
love song of her own, for starters.
How many bars into the song
do you think Vanessa twigged
what was going on?
Pretty...pretty early.
I think we need to know
some of the lyrics.
I certainly regretted spending
so much time on the bridge.
Never got to it.
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah, like, I cut the solo in half.
Can you give us a little bit?
If you were to make me fall in love
with you, then you would hear it,
but other than that, no.
I understand, Luke,
that you don't want to sing it,
but at least tell us
what it was called?
'Wait Here'.
(CARRIE LAUGHS)
'Wait Here'?
It's more of a command
than like a love song.
I don't have to listen to this.
CHRIS: 'Wait Here'.
(LAUGHTER)
'Vanessa's hard to rhyme too.
You know, like, when you're doing
a love song, you normally rhyme.
I can't imagine...
"I really want to undress her."
"Let me be your confessor."
Yeah.
"I've just bought
an air compressor."
(LAUGHTER)
CHRISSIE: Plenty of options.
Alright.
Do you want to move on to Zoe?
Zoe, tell us about
the hair commercial.
I don't get why you would
have been the before
'cause you've got amazing hair.
Yes, Carrie, thank you. Um...
But it was a...
a dandruff shampoo commercial.
And I was the dandruff person.
Hold on - did you have dandruff
when you went in the commercial?
I did have dandruff.
That's how I got the...
It was actually...
You had to audition?
Don't they just normally
put a bit of something on to make...
They actually asked for people
with dandruff to come forward for...
Well, they didn't ask.
I got put forward for the job.
CHRIS: What, by...
By your manager?
Was someone, "Does anyone know
"anyone with a shocking
dandruff problem?"
A very good friend of yours said,
"Oh, I know just the person."
It was...I mean, it's grim,
'cause it was the first paid gig
that I ever got,
um, and I'd...I was 18
and I'd signed up for one of those...
..you know, like, an extras agency,
where they...
What, like a flaky scalp database?
No! No, it wasn't... I didn't go...
I wasn't like,
"You know what I'm gonna do?
"I'm gonna make it big
in the flaky scalp world."
Like, I was...it was just
a general extras agency
but they went,
"We've got a job for you,"
and I was very excited.
There's no real point doing a before
and after with different people.
Like, the... (LAUGHS)
The whole point
of the before and after
is the same person
before they used the product,
then the same person
after they've used the product.
But some of those adverts
aren't true.
ZOE: Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
I feel like legally
they'd have to show
that it was removed
from the same head.
If they don't do that, it's a scam
that we've cracked open tonight.
But very brave - very brave
to come out tonight and say,
"I am a flaky-scalped individual."
But that's not brave if you're not
a flaky-scalped individual.
Are you suggesting that she's
gone for flaky appropriation?
Alright, Frank.
CHRIS: We should move on to Frank.
History with Vanessa?
Frank, remind us,
how do you know Vanessa?
Well, Vanessa is the lifeguard
who rescued me, thank goodness,
when I, uh...I got trapped
in a deck chair.
Right, first question there.
Did she laugh for a long time?
My main memory of her
was there was a certain smugness
that...that...
Well, she wasn't trapped
in a deck chair.
It just...it embodies
a certain smugness.
"You're trapped in a deck chair
and I'm not. Mm-hm-hm-hm!"
How do you get...how do get trapped
in a deck chair? What happens?
Well, uh, it was
one of those deck chairs
that almost...bit like
a banana lounge.
It was on...on a cruise, actually,
about three years ago.
And top folds in, clink, ka-clink,
you flip it over and the legs
fold in, clink, clink.
But how did you get trapped in that?
Oh! You want to hear about that
as well?
Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
Um, the back was...had gone down,
basically,
and, like, that's not
how it's meant to work.
And so then I turned...
I got...turned around
and I was kind of leaning forward
to pull the head of the thing up,
and as I leant forward,
I put my weight past the point
where the legs flipped under,
so the...kind of
as I was reaching forward,
it kind of went, "Clink, clink,"
like that,
and my hand was
on the edge of the...here,
and it went down
and I banged into the bit
I was pulling back
and my face kind of slid down
and it went through that little gap.
Kind of went... (IMITATES CLUNKING)
And I was...I was in...there.
(LAUGHTER)
And I couldn't...I couldn't get out.
I was on it...
(APPLAUSE)
Where were you on a cruise to?
Um, it was a cruise
around New Zealand, actually.
It was...it was like an, um...
And I was working as a...you know,
as an entertainer on the cruise.
There were a bunch of us.
And Vanessa was, like,
known amongst the comedians
as being not exactly shrill,
but kind of, um, very strident
about sunscreen.
Like, every time
you went down to the pool,
she had, like, a big pump thing
of sunscreen.
In New Zealand?
Yes, going around New Zealand.
It was in summertime.
Are you sure...are you sure
it was sunscreen
and not some sort of lube for
getting people out of deck chairs?
Thanks, Ross.
I really appreciate that.
'Cause that's what happened.
What happened was
she was always like,
"Slap on your sunscreen, guys!
"Don't forget to slap on
your sunscreen, guys!"
LUKE: I don't like...I don't like
having sunscreen being made fun of.
(LAUGHTER)
CHRIS: So how...how long...
Vanessa just came around
with the sunscreen
and just went, "I think we're gonna
slap on some sunscreen."
And she just lathered all my head
with sunscreen. (SPLUTTERS)
And I just...was out like that.
It was amazing.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
But it's...she sort of...she's
almost a deck chair midwife
in many ways.
Yes.
Alright, I think we need an answer.
We've got Luke's love song listener,
Zoe's shiny-haired shampooer,
or Frank's liberating lifeguard.
What are you thinking, Carrie?
What do you think, Chris?
Well, I'm getting Ed Sheeran vibes.
CARRIE: Yeah.
(LAUGHS)
CHRIS: I mean... Yeah.
I mean...
I was gonna say I could
imagine him doing that.
So you're going with Luke?
CHRIS: I think...
What do you think?
We can rule out Frank, can't we?
I mean, no-one's head can fit
through that thing.
I'm not...I'm not buying Frank
even got employed by a cruise line.
(LAUGHTER)
So I think we can eliminate Frank.
And I still feel like you'd use
the same before-and-after person
for the shampoo thing.
OK, so we're saying no to Frank,
no to Zoe,
which leaves Mr Ed Sheeran.
We're gonna say Luke.
OK. Vanessa, would you reveal
your true identity, please?
My name's Vanessa,
and Luke once serenaded me with...
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
What a gorgeous story!
Now, Luke, I know that you've
previously told Chris's team
that we're not ready
to hear the song,
but if I happened to have a guitar
under the desk,
is there any way...
I'm happy to play it to... Oh.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
We won't laugh. We won't laugh.
Um, are you ready to fall in love
all over again, Vanessa?
(LAUGHTER)
You want to count me in?
FRANK: OK, um...
Ladies and gentlemen,
please endu...endure...
Please...
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHS) Sorry.
(APPLAUSE)
Ladies and gentlemen, please...
Stop helping, stop helping.
Stop helping.
(PLAYS INTRO)
Sorry, wait.
(PLAYS INTRO BRIEFLY) OK.
(SINGS AND LAUGHS)
# Wait here for me
# And I'll wait here for you... #
I'm so sorry about this.
(LAUGHTER)
# Just close your eyes,
I'll be right there by you
# Wait here for me
and I'll wait here for you... #
I just did that bit again. Uh...
# Just close your eyes,
I'll be right there by you
# Tonight. #
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
How did that fail?
Oh!
(CONTESTANTS CHATTER AND LAUGH)
CHRISSIE: That was beautiful!
Everybody, put your hands together
for gorgeous Vanessa.
(CHEERING)
Thanks so much.
That was so beautiful.
We've got to take a break.
We'll be back with more
Would I Lie To You? right after this.
(ROCK MUSIC)
You are watching Would I Lie To You?
and it's time for our next round,
Possession,
in which a mystery object may or may
not belong to one of our panellists.
It's up to the opposing team
to work out
whether the story is a truth
or a lie.
Frank, if you could start us off,
please, sir?
You'll find a box under your desk.
Put the object on the desk
and then read the card.
I once used this magic eight ball
to get out of a speeding ticket.
Right. How did you get
the speeding ticket?
Um...
CHRISSIE: Speeding.
(LAUGHTER)
By which, I mean, where were you?
Where were you driving?
So, I was going down, uh, Hoddle
Street, um, towards, uh, St Kilda.
You can never go very fast
on that road.
There's a lot of lights there.
OK, it's a lie!
(LAUGHTER)
CHRIS: It is...
Um...
No, there's not that many lights.
You can go 60 there
and I was probably going 75.
And were you picked up by a camera
or by an actual policeman?
No, by a police...police officer.
Police officer.
And then what did you do
with the magic eight ball?
Well, because the way
these...these work
is that you shake them
and they give you an answer.
I've just got to put my glasses on.
Um... Oh, it says it's a lie.
Um...
(LAUGHTER)
No, I just said
to the...the officer,
I said, "I don't think
I was speeding.
"Are you sure that your...
your equipment is correct?"
And he said, "I'm sorry, sir,
but you were speeding."
And I said, "Hey, I reckon that...
"Let's...let's, you know, throw
it...throw caution to the wind.
"And let's...let's consult the...
the magic eight ball."
And he went, "No."
I went, "Come on,
it'll be a bit of fun."
So I shook it up like this...
He said, "That's a great idea"?
He was just sort of humouring me.
I didn't really think
it was gonna work
but I thought I'd just have
a bit of fun with it,
and it said, "It's your lucky day."
So I said, "Well, there's
a little bit of confusion here,
"because if that's for you,
then I was...I was speeding,
"but if that was for me,
I'm not speeding.
"Let's go round again,
and at that point,
"this is where
it all becomes believable."
A car goes just screaming past,
I would say at 120km/h.
On Hoddle Street?
On Hoddle Street.
And the cop just went...
He didn't even...look at me again.
He just took off
to be part of that chase.
In this...in this account, the eight
ball hasn't played any role at all
in you getting out of the fine.
But it did buy him time.
Yeah, he hadn't written the ticket.
Yeah, but he...I still reckon...
How long do you reckon you were
doing the eight ball business?
You can do those things for hours.
They're great fun.
You can do, but how long did you?
'Cause I reckon a police officer
could faff around writing a ticket
in the same amount of time you
played two rounds of eight ball.
Look, it's...you can imagine
every...every day he's just writing
out tickets, it's boring, you know,
so the fact that there was somebody
who was gonna have a bit of fun
with him and play and muck around...
Has anyone ever met a policeman
who's up for games?
Yeah, I have -
I've met a couple of cops
who stopped me on my motorbike
and we chatted for ages.
I ended up on their bike with photos.
So you're buying this.
No.
(LAUGHTER)
I'm gonna say lie, I think.
Oh...lie as well.
Two lies.
Go on, then.
We're gonna say lie.
Frank, is it a truth or a lie?
The eight ball is...a lie.
(CHIMING)
(APPLAUSE)
Very good attempt.
Chris, you are next.
Should be a box under your desk.
There is.
Open it up, pop the object out,
and then read the card.
Oh, it's...it's a mandarin.
When I was younger,
sometimes my dad would leave
one of these
outside my bedroom door.
I knew exactly what it meant.
It was trying to tell you
to bring Amanda in?
(LAUGHTER)
It was his...it was his kind way...
No, her lovely sister Clementine.
(LAUGHTER)
We're not gonna talk about Cumquat.
(LAUGHTER)
I don't even know what that means.
Sorry, Chris. What did it mean?
It was his way of telling me to have
a breather, just take a break.
Were you like,
"Why is there a mandarin?"
And to, like, remind you
to take a breather,
and you're like,
"Why not just say that
"instead of putting a mandarin
on the floor?"
The first time he did it
he was more direct.
The first time he actually
came into the room with the mandarin
and he noticed I was a bit stressed.
I was studying for, um,
my end-of-year exams,
my Year 12 exams.
And his solution was to say,
"Chris, why don't you go for a walk
around the block
"and take a mandarin with you?"
Quite cathartic, though,
to peel it and...
There is something
quite, yeah, meditative
about the perfection
of the mandarin's design.
The most relaxing of the fruits.
Yeah. It is.
It is.
I mean, if I'd taken a cantaloupe
out, it would've been ridiculous.
If it was an orange,
oranges are hard...
They can be frustrating to peel. But
mandarins are just like... (POPS)
Yeah.
Aren't they?
They're just like, "Take me,
eat me, suck me, lick me."
(LAUGHTER)
They're just...
That...that peel's just off.
Anyone can unpeel a mandarin.
And there's something quite pleasing
about it.
You would have been doing the HSC
around about, like,
October, November?
Which is coming into spring/summer.
Mandarins,
aren't they a winter fruit?
(AUDIENCE GASPS)
Look, I-I think they are locally,
but, uh, I think we import
a lot of fruit
so we can have some favourites
all year round.
I've discov...I've... (STAMMERS)
I could feel it coming to me,
the chink in this whole argument.
His dad's been dead
for over 50 years.
(LAUGHTER)
I think I need to say
one word to you,
and it's a mandarin-based word -
pips.
ROSS: Oh, come on!
Can't you get pipless mandarins?
CHRISSIE: Yeah, you can.
What year was this?
Yeah, you couldn't back then.
Back then, mandarins
were just chock full of pips.
They're, I would say, 90-95% pips.
Well, in my experience, Frank,
there's even something
quite cathartic
about spitting them out.
Like, if you've got a lot of stress,
and you can take it out
on the pip...
OK, so...
Do you want to have a powwow about
whether it's a truth or a lie?
I think it's a lie.
I think the idea is extremely sound.
I hate the mand...
I hope it's a lie.
OK, we've got two definite...
definite lies.
I reckon go with your gut.
Thank you.
I'm gonna go against my team
and I'm gonna say that it's true.
There you go. Is that truth or a lie?
That...
..is true.
Oh!
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
Well done!
What a sweet dad!
It's true - Chris's dad did leave
a mandarin outside Chris's door
to remind him to take a break.
Alright, it's time for a break.
We'll see you soon
on Would I Lie To You?
(ROCK MUSIC)
VOICEOVER: Can you pick the truth
from the lies?
on 10play on demand.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
Welcome back to Would I Lie To You?
And it's time for Quick Fire Lies.
Just a reminder,
the story on the card
could be completely familiar
to our panellists
or, alternatively, something that
they've never ever seen before.
(BUZZER BEEPS)
Carrie, you are up first.
I once revealed a little too much
to a house guest.
OK, what was the big...
Before we get straight
to the what did you reveal,
what was the living situation
with that house guest
and why were they there?
Um, it was a friend of my son's.
Oh, OK. So how old were they?
Uh...they were...like,
early teenage years.
Maybe, like, 11.
Very early teenage years.
Very, very early.
Some would say pre-teen.
Yeah.
And I would like to ask,
what did you reveal to them?
Mmm.
Um, he saw me naked.
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
Did... Is there... And...
(LAUGHTER)
And did you...did you say,
"I've made a terrible mistake,"
or was it accidental on your part?
It caught me and him by surprise,
um, and I didn't want to make it
awkward,
so I just chatted to him
for a while.
(LAUGHTER)
'Cause nothing makes an 11-year-old
less awkward
than sustaining the naked period
in which he has to look at it.
What part of the house were you in?
Um, I was at the front door.
AUDIENCE: Oh.
WOMAN: What?
You answered the door in the nude?
Yeah.
She was expecting the milkman.
I was going to say,
who were you expecting?
No, I...I thought it was my son,
but it wasn't.
(SQUEALING LAUGHTER)
No, there are families,
like many families,
where that is not an issue.
We're a naked family.
And I was pregnant at the time.
Is...is, uh...
When you said to him, um...
Luke's not coping, guys.
When you said to him, uh...
He'll write you a song soon.
Yeah.
No, but you said
you were so confident
when you opened the front door,
you're like,
"That's probably my son,
so I'll be naked."
Yeah.
Were you completely naked
or underpants?
No, completely naked.
Wow.
And then you've...and then
the friend opened the door
and what did you say to them?
No, I opened the door to him.
I thought it was my son
and I thought maybe he'd forgotten
something, so I opened the door
and I said,
"What have you forgotten?"
And it wasn't him,
it was his friend.
And what did he say?
"What have you forgotten?"
"Everything I've ever known!"
Yeah. (LAUGHS)
But I remember thinking that
I didn't want him to think
that the female body
was anything to be embarrassed by.
Um, and I thought if I just talked
to him about school and stuff...
(LAUGHTER)
It would feel less weird for him...
I mean, let's be honest...
..and that he'd maybe walk away
thinking it wasn't that weird
'cause we talked about...
(LAUGHS).. school stuff.
Let's be...
Yeah.
Let's be perfectly honest,
he's not gonna fail biology.
Did you do at least the sort of
double-handed hands of discretion?
The...
No.
No, you didn't.
No.
You were just like...
I had one hand on the door handle.
And I just kept it up.
What was he doing at your house,
though? Like, what...
I think he forgot his school bag
or something
because he comes over...he still
comes over all the time now.
I bet he does.
ROSS: Yes, yes. Oh, yeah.
All the neighbours are seeing
is a child at a door
and then this naked lady
just talking... (BABBLES)
I have a lot of respect for it
in one way
because I do feel like
we're so, you know, overall...
Hung up.
..hung up about nudity and...
If you can't get naked in front of
school children, what is...
..what is the world coming to?
Yeah.
You know what it is?
It's political correctness gone mad.
Alright, Carrie's story.
Truth or lie?
Uh...I think it's true.
I love it.
I think it's...
I just don't feel that
in the moment,
even as comfortable as you are with
your own body around your family,
if you've opened your front door
and there's an 11-year-old
that you didn't ex...
is a different 11-year-old
than you were expecting...
It's a...it's a surprise.
I... Yeah, you would...
You'd probably...
Your instinct would be to cover up.
It's a surprise
and possibly it's a crime.
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah, I'm...
It's not a good look
to the neighbours.
No.
I'm gonna need an answer.
I feel it's...
I think you've swayed me.
I think it's a big old lie.
Got a lie here.
I think it's a lie.
If it's not, that means...
I kind of want... Yeah.
I just looked over at Carrie then
and she was just going...
(LAUGHS)
..like that.
And that made me feel like
it's true. Something about...
If it's any help,
she's naked from the waist down.
(LAUGHTER)
I think that you're very comfortable
with who you are.
And based on that,
I'm gonna go against my team.
So I'm gonna...I'm gonna say
it's true.
I love this. The jeopardy is real.
Carrie, please reveal your answer.
Unfortunately for him, it is true.
Yes!
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
I knew it.
ROSS: Yeah.
Yeah, it's never quite been the same
between us. (LAUGHS)
CHRIS: Yes.
(ROSS LAUGHS) Right.
Don't go anywhere,
we'll be back with more
Would I Lie To You? after the break.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
Welcome back to Would I Lie To You?
And we're in the middle of the round
we call Quick Fire Lies.
(BUZZER BEEPS)
Alright, Frank, your turn.
Um, I broke a federal law
with my thumb.
(LAUGHTER)
CHRIS: Alright.
(LAUGHS)
(LAUGHS)
Um...
Which thumb?
(LAUGHTER)
Are you just saying yes
or that was the thumb?
Yes, I'm gonna answer the question,
it was this thumb.
Um, no. That thumb.
What was the law?
Well, that's... Wha...
Exactly. What was the law?
What IS the law?
What I'd like to do at this stage,
if that's OK,
I don't know if this is in
the spirit of the game,
but let's brainstorm federal laws.
(LAUGHTER)
What are the federal laws?
There's ones about,
like, it's probably, um...
(CHRISSIE LAUGHS)
Giving myself some thinking time.
Um, no, but it was...
it was a gaming based...
It was like a lotto...
it was a wheel.
You know, the spin-the-wheel-type
thing, but I spun it with my thumb.
Yeah, it was a wheel spinning...
Those keno sort of wheels? Bingo?
Yeah, sort of like that.
The big lotto balls.
Yeah... No, um, no,
it was the...it was on...
It was Chooklotto, actually.
On 'Hey Hey'?
Yeah, it was Chooklotto.
So it was
the Ken Morgan Toyota wheel.
That's the one.
Yeah.
Thanks. Could you...
You sit there and
keep feeding me that stuff
'cause that's really helpful.
Sorry, can I just... Right.
So far, I've heard all these words
and I haven't understood
any of them.
Yeah.
I've worked out that there's
chickens involved in a wheel.
Yeah.
Where... Let's narrow it down.
Before we get to the thumb...
Put my thumb away
for the time being.
Yes, put the thumb aside.
The Chooklotto wheel is on the
program 'Hey Hey It's Saturday'.
Right.
And on this particular occasion,
I...I...
My...me and my colleague Colin Lane.
Lano and Woodley, the duo.
Yes.
We were actually guest hosts of
the program, um, that...that week.
Does anyone believe Daryl Somers
would ever let anyone else
host that show?
CHRISSIE: No.
I think it's the only time
it's ever happened.
Maybe. Or...prob... Maybe.
And so which government, that has
been in charge of running Australia,
introduced a federal law...
(LAUGHTER)
..that there's a correct way
to spin the Chooklotto wheel?
Well, 'cause what happened was
because I broke...
Because there's a whole thing about
if you give away gifts on...
Like, if you play those games...
I don't really unders...
To be honest...
What is a Chooklotto wheel?
It wasn't the Chooklotto wheel,
I've realised, it was the...
Ken Morgan Toyota wheel.
Plucka Duck...Plucka Duck wheel.
The...the Ken...
Yeah, the...the one....
No, Ken Morgan.
The wheel.
The Ken Morgan Toyota wheel
is different...
Who's Ken Morgan?
(LAUGHTER)
So, hang on.
Who's Ken Morgan
and why is he spinning chickens?
Ken Morgan....Ken Morgan
had a Toyota dealership.
Right.
And a normal...
Like what they call
a chocolate wheel.
Right.
And then Chook...
Chooklotto was different.
To be perfectly honest,
I don't know why
I talked about the Chooklotto thing.
It was the... It's the wheel.
The wheel.
It was a dea... A car dealership
was spinning a wheel of chickens.
No. No chickens.
Because Daryl wasn't there
and Frank used his thumb.
Is that... Is that what it...
That's...
At this point, should I just say
it's a lie or do we push on?
(LAUGHTER)
So...
(APPLAUSE)
So it's the Ken Morgan wheel.
You spin the wheel,
digga-digga-digga-digga-digga-digga,
it'll end and you win that thing.
Yes.
Right?
And we gave it a big spin, it went
digga-digga-digga-digga-digga-digga
digga-digga-digga-digga-digga-digga
digga-digga-digga-digga-digga-digga
digga, digga, digga,
digga, digga, digga,
digga, digga, dig, dig, dig, dig,
tick, tick, tick, tick, tick,
tick, tick, tick, tick, tick.
And we all felt, "Oh, my God.
It's gonna end on the car."
Which is the big prize.
The Ken Morgan car.
Ken Morgan.
The Ken Morgan car. It's coming...
Yeah, car dealer.
Digga-digga-digga-dig,
tick, tick, tick, tick...
Oh, my God.
..tick, tick, tick, tick.
Tick, tick...
No, it's gonna go about three past
the car. We could feel it.
Tick, tick, tick, tick.
The thumb came out.
Ahh.
Slowed it down... Tick, tick, tick.
..onto the car.
And we all just went mad.
Yes.
It was just like,
"She's won the car!"
I tell you who didn't go mad.
Ken Morgan.
CHRIS: Ken Morgan.
(LAUGHTER)
So the thumb...
The thumb was actually...
Where I broke the law with my thumb,
I stopped it on the car...
And because you...
Like a sort of flesh brake.
Yes.
Yes.
..you manipulated
the natural progress of the wheel...
That's...
..the organisers challenged you,
saying it wasn't a fair spin
because you actually distorted
the contest.
This story is all coming together.
And...
(LAUGHTER)
Did the police ever get involved?
When you say you broke a law...
No, it was very funny
because we just did it again.
The woman won a car, right,
we spun it again,
tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick,
like, I was...
And she won a packet of chips
or something, the second time round.
The beautiful irony of that is
is she didn't get the car
and she had to walk outside
the studio,
and while she's thumbing a lift,
she's just looking at her thumb,
crying.
Alright, Chris's team,
what do you think?
I...
Oh, it's so ludicrous.
But I don't know.
I...
It's the guest hosting bit
that I just don't remember
Daryl not hosting.
Nah. They'd have to claw it
out of his cold dead hands.
He could literally be
on an intravenous drip.
Yeah.
I believe the flesh brake,
I believe the woman,
it's just Daryl going away and...
I actually think it's true.
I think lie.
Lie?
You're the...you're the team
captain, I give you...
Oh, make a call.
You've gotta make a call too.
I believe in democracy
more than I believe in captaincy,
so I will say lie.
Is it the truth or a lie, Frank?
Well, actually, it is true.
CARRIE: No!
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
What?!
The details were quite...
I still need to know
where Daryl was. Where was Daryl?
Daryl just took a night off.
Oh, my God.
OK. Alright. Well, it is true.
For a show that used to have
a man dressed in a duck suit
who sometimes pretended
to hump the prizes,
I can't believe it was Frank who
almost got in trouble with the law.
(HOOTER BLOWS)
And that noise signals
that time is up.
It's the end of the show sadly.
And I can reveal that
tonight's winner is
Chris's team.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
Hey, hey.
And it's not just a team game.
My individual player for the night
is Mr Ross Noble.
Oh, thank you.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
That's it for Would I Lie To You?
Thank you so much for watching
and goodnight.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
Captions by Red Bee Media
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Hello, and welcome to
Would I Lie To You?,
the show that's a bit like one big
polygraph test for celebrities.
I'm Chrissie Swan,
and joining me are two teams
who will take turns reading stories.
It's up to the opposing team
to determine whether
the story is true or a lie.
The team with the most
correct guesses wins.
Captaining our first team tonight,
from the satirical comedy group
The Chaser,
it's Chris Taylor.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Joining Chris is a man
who once played the role
of Harold Bishop's lover.
Hmm. Talk about a dream role!
Please welcome Ross Noble.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Chris's other team member
is a Gold Logie winner
and hosts 'The Project'.
She's definitely
the Carrie of the group.
Waleed is absolutely the Samantha.
Please welcome Carrie Bickmore.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Captaining our second team tonight,
it's comedian Frank Woodley.
CHRIS: Hey!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Joining Frank is a comedian
whose special subject
on 'Celebrity Mastermind' last year
was the film 'Dumb & Dumber'.
Unfortunately, on the night,
her celebrity opponents proved
smarter and smarterer than her.
Here's Zoe Coombs Marr.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
And finally,
he is a writer and comedian
who used to work for Centrelink.
So if anyone has any questions
for him tonight,
they'll have to take a number
and be prepared for a 3-hour wait.
It's the gorgeous Luke McGregor.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Thank you.
Let's play.
First up is Home Truths,
where our panellists each read out
a statement from the card
in front of them.
The card will contain either
a truth from the panellist's life
or a lie that we just made up,
but they won't know which one
they get until they read it aloud.
It's up to the opposing team to sort
the facts from the fabrications.
Ross, you're up first.
Sir Rod, um...
Sir Rod Stewart and I once built
a sandcastle in the South of France.
So, Sir...
You're giving, um, Sir Rod the
appropriate level of respect there.
Not just 'Rod Stewart'...
Says it on the card.
So...
'Sir Rod Stewart'.
How did you come to be on a beach
with Sir Rod Stewart?
It's the South of France, isn't it?
That's where all the big stars
hang out.
Rod was on a...a...
one of them yachts.
You know, like a superyacht.
CHRIS: Superyacht.
And...I wasn't.
But he got off and...went off it
to built a sandcastle.
You yelled out to his yacht?
I said, "Oi, Rod!
Get off the yacht."
And he said,
"What? Who's that calling?"
No, so there's...there's beaches
in the South of France, right?
Yeah, I believe that.
(CHRISSIE LAUGHS)
So I was there...
How did you come to be
building a sandcastle together?
Well, I...'cause I was build...
Like, I've...
My family, we went down to the be...
We finished, uh, dinner
and then we went down to the beach.
And I love a sandcastle.
And I don't just, like,
build a little sand...
I'm like, "Right!
We're building it!"
So I've got big battlements
and walls
and I've got all the turrets
going on.
And then there's Rod...
Sir Rod Stewart...
(LAUGHS)
He's an old man.
He's, like, an old fella
and he's got young kids
and he's like,
"Ohh! I'm an old man on the beach."
So his kid...
No, it's what he's like. He's...
Like, on stage, you know...
(SINGS) # Wake up, Ma... #
But he's like,
"Ohh, I need a lie-down.
"I'm...I'm very old." And...
But he's got young kids, hasn't he?
Yeah.
'Cause he's, like...
he's got, like, a young wife.
So they've seen me, like,
king sandcastle-maker.
King of the castle...
King of the castle.
..as some would say.
That's why everyone on the...
(FRENCH ACCENT)
"Whoa, look at Noble.
"He is the king of the castle."
Like that.
And they'd say it in English
with a French accent like...
All... So I could understand.
(LAUGHS)
So his kids had joined in
and got, like, into it.
And would you say that Sir Rod
was a proficient sandcastle-maker?
To be honest, he was probably
more into it than the kids
once he got going,
you know what I mean?
Right.
Once Sir Rod...
I think it's like he thought
he was on stage or something.
Right.
Something clicked into...into gear.
And he was, like, "Whoa!"
And the sun was like the lights
of a rock gig.
And he's like,
"Alright, I've got the energy."
I thought, "Oh, here's the Rod
I know and love."
And then he was...
Not even using a shovel.
Like a dog.
Like a...
..dog, like that.
And his hat blew off at one point.
And he's digging like that.
And I'm going, "Come on, Rod."
The kids...the kids - gone.
All the kids were gone.
It's just you and Rod left?
It was lit... It was just me
and Rod Stewart, digging like dogs.
And did you...
Like doggies, we were.
Um, did you get...was there
a sense of competitiveness
between you and Rod?
Or were you working together?
It was a great collaboration or...
It was a team. It was a team. It's
like, "Quick! The sea's coming in."
And I'm going, "Oh, you're...you're
gonna have to get back on your boat
"before the tide goes out."
And go... (SINGS) # Sailing
(ALL JOIN IN) # We are sailing... #
And all the French people...
You know?
I didn't want to...I didn't want to
do that with my hands.
I needed them for digging.
Did you think he was sexy?
He asked me...
Just because that is something...
He kept asking me,
"Do you think I'm sexy?"
"Do you?" Over and over again.
Yeah.
He said, "Do you like my body?"
I said, "This is not...
"This is not the right time,"
you know?
And he kept calling me Maggie.
That's not true.
Ross, apart from the design
of the sandcastle,
which I'm sure was a hot topic
of conversation between you two men,
what else did you talk about
with Sir Rod Stewart?
It's all...like, once you're
in the sandcastle...building,
that's all you focus on.
You built it big enough
that you could get into it?
You were in the sandcastle building?
Uh, no, as you get into the...
Get into the...into the whole...
Yeah.
I mean, that... I mean, me and Rod
Stewart getting into a sandcastle.
I mean, that's ridiculous!
Yeah.
What do you think? Truth or a lie?
I feel...I think it's true.
He also said he had to get from
the superyacht to the shore...
Yeah...
And then go back to the superyacht
before the tide went out.
That's where I felt,
"Maybe he's making this up."
The superyacht is, like...
They have a boat that goes out
to the yacht.
OK, so I thought it was true,
but then you started finding
a bit of a crack
and then Ross tried to convince you
it was true,
which makes me think
that maybe it's a lie.
OK, now I don't...I don't know.
Sorry. (LAUGHS)
CHRISSIE: I'll need an answer.
That didn't help me at all, guys.
I...I want it to be...true.
So we want it to be true.
And I think it's either true
or a lie.
Yeah.
I'm gonna have to go
with my instincts here
because I'm not getting really
enough direction from the team
and I'm gonna...I'm gonna say,
like, I believe that it's a lie.
A lie.
Ross, was that a truth or a lie?
It is in fact...
..a truth.
(CHIMING)
Of course it is.
Of course it is.
And I think you've got the picture,
haven't you?
What a great story.
Yes, we do. We've got proof.
If you can call it that.
There we are.
Oh! There's a photo.
There you go.
Now, whilst I'm looking at it,
I can see you...
Technically,
you can't see our faces.
But there's Rod.
Not as conclusive
as it could've been.
I know. Which one's you
and which one's...
I'm the one that does look like
a very old man with a bad back.
Love that. That's a great story.
Alright, Luke, you're up next.
OK.
I am highly skilled in taekwondo.
(SUSTAINED LAUGHTER)
CHRIS: Uh...
Uh...
That is cruel laughter.
They're all the people
that have beaten me up.
What are we, um...
Where... So let's just...
let's just set the bar.
When you say "highly skilled",
what are we...
what are we talking here?
Almost black belt.
I'm a...brown belt.
Ooh! Ooh!
Can you name any other colour belt?
Is a brown belt...
I can just name colours
and I bet you there's a belt
out there with that colour.
So what age are we talking?
When did you take it up?
Early.
What's 'early'?
Before I could walk. No. Uh...
Um, I don't know, like...
Like, straight out of the womb,
down to the taekwondo...
Yeah, I blocked the doctor. Um...
Nice try.
Keeping the cord.
Hah!
Chopped it myself.
Did your own?
Yeah.
Um, uh, like, seven, I guess?
Seven.
Yeah.
And do you still do it now?
No, no, I've got enough skills.
I'm...
Highly...
Yeah.
It's almost you reach
a point of skill level
where you can't get any higher.
It's too dangerous.
You try and shake someone's hand
and you chop it off.
You get too good, yeah.
What do they call the place
that you do taekwondo in?
Uh, like a...like a Scout hall?
Technically true.
Isn't it a dojo or something?
And I have to say,
the Scouts are furious about that.
What was the name of your sensei?
Hank.
(LAUGHTER)
Hank.
And they... Where...
Surely, you must have heard of him.
Oh, yeah.
Have you ever needed to use
the skill in real life?
Yeah, a couple of times, yeah.
When was that?
Uh, well, at school
I had a...a kid called Simon, um,
tried to, uh...tried...tried it on.
And I did a couple of...
Oh!
..couple of spin kicks and, um...
I didn't hit him,
but I just showed him
that if you come near me, this
is what you'll have to deal with.
I'm struggling to imagine him
pirouetting and Simon being, "Ahh!"
Well, you've never tried to...
to beat me up.
But if you were, then you'd see it.
Frank, could you just...
Be Simon.
..go for his neck?
Could you just...
You want him to be killed? Nuh.
Yeah, listen, I don't feel safe
doing this, Ross.
I feel like...
Can you show us some of the...
I feel like I need to see
some of it in action.
No, I don't...
Can you just push...
Come on, just...just...
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
(FRANK LAUGHS)
So this is, um...
this is how you stand at the start.
Sorry, what point of the fight
is this?
This is... Oh, this is pre-fight.
So the first step is to look like
you're taking a shit.
No, this is...
Do you take a shit like this?
How do...how do you think
he got his brown belt?
And then, uh, the main stance
is, uh...is...is...is...is that.
And then when you punch,
you put your hand here
and you, huh, it's that - hah.
And then when you punch,
where's your weight?
Which leg is your weight on?
I...I just... I... I don't...
I'm not gonna teach
without getting paid.
So... Ahh!
Right.
That... It'd be...
OK.
I... I know. I can't...
I can't betray Hank like that.
It's...it's his secret techniques.
You said there were two instances
that you've had to use this
in real life.
What's the second one?
Uh...I was in an alleyway
and both my parents got shot.
Um...
I...
Oh, it was a...
a kid called Bradley.
And I, uh...he stole my Tic...
he stole my KitKat
and I went to grab my KitKat back
and I accidentally
pulled his tie off.
And he said...he said,
"I'll see you at lunchtime."
And, um...
And then when we actually
got down to...at lunch,
he said, "I don't...
I don't want to fight."
And so it was just a lot of
us pretending to fight.
So there was a lot of this and...
(LAUGHS)
What sort of KitKat was it?
2 Finger? Chunky?
Uh...
It was a, yeah, 2...the 2...
the 2 Finger.
Of course they came in...
You can't get one KitKat.
You can't break it.
You can get 4 Fingers.
You can get the Chunky.
I don't want this to be
the thing that undoes me.
And did you, uh...
Um...
Did you have the KitKat
for your lunch that day?
It was actually for recess
and we fought at lunch.
What do you think?
I know Luke
and I know he's very cautious,
so part of me thinks,
as a kid, he would've done it
just as a thing to make sure
he felt safe.
He also strikes me as someone
who would've been beaten up a lot,
who needed to arm himself with
the skills to...
AUDIENCE: Ohh!
(CHRIS LAUGHS AWKWARDLY)
Where were you, Chris?
(LAUGHS)
He...he did say that the...
he said the KitKat was the...
He did say that
the KitKat was at recess.
It all comes back to the KitKat.
He said the KitKat was at recess
and then I tried tricking him
by saying 'lunch'
and he corrected me
and said it was recess.
For...for me...
Gee, we've got a real Mrs Marple.
I think it's true as well.
I...
I think it might be true as well.
I think it's...
Luke, they're going with true.
Is that true or is it a lie?
I hope I don't break this.
It is...
(CHRISSIE LAUGHS)
..true.
(CHIMING)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Of course that is a true story and
Luke is highly skilled in taekwondo.
And if you want more proof
that Luke has always been
a bad-ass, take-no-prisoners,
martial arts master,
take a look at
his first membership card.
PANELLISTS: Aw!
(LAUGHTER)
What a darling!
You're supposed to be intimidated.
That is a killer. That's a killer.
"Supposed to be intimidated".
It is time for a break.
But first, what if I told you
that it's absolutely true
that one of our six players tonight
disguised themselves
as a piece of luggage
on an airport baggage carousel?
Who do you think would've done that?
I'll have the answer next
on Would I Lie To You?
Welcome back to Would I Lie To You?
And before the break, we pondered
which of our panellists
had disguised themselves
as a piece of luggage
on an airport baggage carousel.
The answer is, of course,
Ross Noble did that.
Why?
It was pre-9/11
and I was at an airport
and I saw the carousel thing
going through
and I saw two guys
loading up the bags,
and I jumped on the carousel
and just went through the back
and the guys went,
"What are you doing back here?"
And I went, "I'm gonna ride around."
And they went,
"Yeah, go on, then," so...
And then one of them said,
"I've got a big plastic bag
"and get in this."
So I climbed inside
and I pretended to be asleep.
And then I came out
with all the other bags
and I went, "Oh, God, I'm here,"
and jumped up and ran off.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
Fantastic.
Alright, Carrie, would you please
read out your home truth?
Whenever I donate blood,
I always ask for the same nurse
because we have a little
Dracula role-play thing going on.
(LAUGHS) Right.
So it's...it's sexual in nature,
or...?
No!
OK.
I just get nervous.
No further questions.
Oh, sorry, were you gonna ask that?
No, no, no!
No.
So...so how regularly
do you give blood?
Every couple of months.
Do you have a vampire fetish?
Is that why you...?
No. I get very nervous giving blood.
I don't like giving blood.
OK, so I'm gonna go back to
Luke's question.
If not sexual in nature,
what is a Dracula role-play like?
So I haven't seen a lot of movies.
Um, as a kid we didn't watch
a lot of movies.
And I've never actually seen
'Dracula'.
So one day she made a joke - the
nurse made a joke - about 'Dracula'
and I said, "I haven't seen it,"
and so now she acts out scenes
from the movie
to distract me while I give blood.
So, an example of one of
those scenes might be...
I don't...I don't remember.
She does a lot of stuff
with her hands. Um, she...
But Dracula doesn't use a needle,
so...
To be fair, I'm... No.
That's true.
She doesn't...
She puts the needle in, leaves it,
and then...
She doesn't put the syringes
up into her mouth and...
Two needles and...
No?
So, hang on. She does a bit of...
Like, when she does the lines,
she does some of the actions with it
to be theatrical.
(IMITATES DRACULA) Like,
"I vant to suck your blood."
She doesn't just sit there going,
"I want to suck your blood."
She gets into character.
If I was gonna try and make someone
feel more comfortable
at a blood bank,
the last character I'd play
is Dracula.
It's almost the last film
you'd re-enact, isn't it?
That'd really scare people.
That's why it's funny.
She's not gonna do
'Saving Private Ryan', is she?
She's not gonna get the end
of the tube... (GROANS)
And when she goes from your room to
the next room, does she ever just...
(IMITATES BAT WINGS FLAPPING)
No. Sometimes I'm in a room
with somebody else
and then they get in on it as well.
Right. OK.
What if the other patient
likes another movie?
Is she gonna do every movie?
She does other things.
Well, I haven't seen other movies,
so if I haven't seen a movie,
I'll say...
Get her to do 'Trainspotting'.
Well, I haven't seen that either.
Stick the needle in and then...
(HUMS 'LUST FOR LIFE' BY IGGY POP)
She could do 'The Human Centipede'
with one patient, I mean...
(AUDIENCE GROANS AND LAUGHS)
It's just...
That just means you've seen
'The Human Centipede'.
She's obviously a film buff
and it probably brings pleasure
for her work
that she gets to re-create all these
movies with different patients.
But she might not be a film buff.
Carrie doesn't know.
She could have...
No, she does love films.
OK, what do you think, Team Frank?
Is this the truth or a lie?
(LUKE GROANS)
I don't think it's true?
(LAUGHS)
I think it might be true.
I don't...
I think it's true and Carrie
is being deliberately vague.
LUKE: Yeah, and also I want
to live in that world
where a nurse pretends
to be Dracula.
ZOE: Yeah!
True.
So you say it's the truth?
I think we're gonna say
that it's true.
Alright, Carrie.
Is that a truth or a lie?
It is...a lie.
(CHIMING)
(CONTESTANTS GROAN)
(APPLAUSE)
Gotcha!
I really thought that would have...
..that would have made me unstuck,
to be honest.
Next up is you, Chris.
As an impulse purchase,
I once bought a pet duck.
(LAUGHS) Alright.
Where were you?
I was in a rural...sort of
a ducky sort of area.
Uh...I was in the Hunter Valley
and there was, um...there was
one of those sandwich boards
beside the road that said,
"Ducklings, $10."
And I thought, "That's good value."
Like, I defy anyone to drive past
that sandwich board
and not at least be curious enough
to go inside to...
Well, yeah, you're normally paying
12 or 15 for a duck.
I thought $10 sounded like
good value.
Sorry, when was this?
I would...I would have been, like,
in my early 30s.
I think it was around 2007.
Ducks did exist at that time.
$10 for a duckling.
And that was pre the financial
crisis, so people were spending big.
That feels pricey to me
for a duckling.
Yeah, they're not really...
they're not really a one-off cost.
As a city...as a city boy,
that felt like good value.
That's how they get you!
I don't know the going rate.
To me, the fact that you said,
"As a city boy,"
like, why would a city person
be buying a duck to take home?
They're pretty cute, though.
Well, I did learn that.
They're... (LAUGHS) Um...
I was with my then-girlfriend
at the time.
Whoo!
(LAUGHTER)
Chicks love ducks!
He told this duck story just so
he could brag he had a girlfriend.
(LAUGHTER)
She, um... We didn't really
think it through, it's fair to say.
Like, I lived in an inner-city
studio at the time.
Like, a studio apartment.
Not really a duck-friendly place.
What did you call it?
Lenny.
How long did you have Lenny for?
What happ... Why did Lenny...
I had Lenny...
Till he got the fox.
(LAUGHTER)
Well, I saw this sign,
"Foxes, only $8,"
and I said, "You can't
drive past that sign."
Um, I think I had Lenny
for about three weeks
before I found
alternative arrangements for him.
What were
the alternative arrangements?
What did you do to Lenny, Chris?
So, I found...we had a family friend
who had a farm.
Oh, well, you know what it means
when Lenny's gone to live on a farm.
I...'cause I remember
my brother said to me once,
like, I said,
"Oh, my friend Michael,
"his little dog's gone
to live on a farm,"
and my brother said,
"That actually means
"that the little dog's
been put down."
I went, "The whole family
went to live on the farm!"
(LAUGHTER)
As it turns out...as it turns out,
no sooner had...had
Lenny moved to the farm
that he WAS eaten by a fox,
like, on his first night.
Oh, no.
He was way safer in my apartment
than once he was let into the wild.
Sorry to bring a downer
on the Lenny story,
but it wasn't...it wasn't
a happy ending for him.
That's so sad.
Well, that's a real...
I don't really have
any other questions.
Just a real sad way to end.
We just...we really want it
to be a lie now, don't we?
To save Lenny.
We really do.
So for the sake of the
"Keep Lenny alive",
we're going to say that...
Although he's not alive if...
No, he doesn't exist.
(LAUGHTER)
To keep the fictional Lenny alive
by him not existing,
I think it's better to have...
to have not existed.
OK, I can...I can do this.
We're gonna say...
ROSS: It's better...
It's better to have loved and lost
than to have not existed ever.
(LAUGHTER)
We lose either way - either
this beautiful duck didn't exist
or the duck got eaten by a fox.
If it helps,
we don't know Lenny died.
They just told me...
That a fox got him.
They told me there was
a "fox incident".
Oh, like it's a prank!
"Oh, I told him a fox!"
(LAUGHTER)
No! To be fair...
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
No-one...no-one ever told me
he got eaten by a fox.
LUKE: OK.
They said, "There's been
an incident with a fox."
(LAUGHS) There was an...there was
an incident with a fox.
"We looked out
and we saw Lenny riding a fox."
I think it's...I hope it's a lie.
Yeah, let's go lie.
We're saying it's a lie.
Unanimous. Is it a lie
or is it the truth?
LUKE: Gonna make us sad?
The story of Lenny
is, of course, true.
(CHIMING)
(CONTESTANTS EXCLAIM)
CARRIE: I even thought
it was a lie! Lenny!
And now...and now,
ladies and gentlemen,
ladies and gentlemen,
if you don't mind,
we're gonna have a minute's silence
for Lenny.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
Don't go anywhere.
We'll be back with more
Would I Lie To You? after the break.
(ROCK MUSIC)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Welcome back to Would I Lie To You?
Our next round is called
This Is My...,
where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection
to one of our panellists.
This week, each of Frank's team
will claim it's them
that has the genuine connection
to the guest.
But it's up to Chris's team to spot
who's telling the truth.
So please welcome Vanessa.
(ROCK MUSIC)
(CHEERING)
Hi, Vanessa. She can't speak to me.
She's not being rude.
Luke, who is Vanessa to you?
Uh, this is Vanessa.
And I once serenaded her
with an original love song.
(LAUGHTER)
Zoe, who is Vanessa to you?
Uh, this is Vanessa.
Uh, we were in a shampoo commercial
together.
I was the before
and she was the after.
Mm-hm. And, Frank,
who is Vanessa to you?
Not just to me,
but to everybody she knows.
This is...
(LAUGHTER)
This is Vanessa,
and she's the lifeguard
who rescued me
when I found myself trapped
in a deck chair.
(LAUGHTER)
So there we have it.
Is Vanessa Luke's love song listener?
Zoe's shiny-haired shampooer?
Or Frank's liberating lifeguard?
Chris's team,
where do you want to start?
We'll start with Luke.
CHRIS: Let's start with Luke.
So, how old are you
when you meet Vanessa?
Oh...high school? High school.
Just vocal, or, like,
with an instrument, or...?
Both.
ROSS: What was the instrument?
Guitar.
Was Vanessa aware
that you were interested in her
before you serenaded her?
I-I don't know, but she definitely
was when she heard the love song.
(LAUGHTER)
What happened when you played it?
I don't think Ness was as keen
on me as...
I don't think she was working on a
love song of her own, for starters.
How many bars into the song
do you think Vanessa twigged
what was going on?
Pretty...pretty early.
I think we need to know
some of the lyrics.
I certainly regretted spending
so much time on the bridge.
Never got to it.
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah, like, I cut the solo in half.
Can you give us a little bit?
If you were to make me fall in love
with you, then you would hear it,
but other than that, no.
I understand, Luke,
that you don't want to sing it,
but at least tell us
what it was called?
'Wait Here'.
(CARRIE LAUGHS)
'Wait Here'?
It's more of a command
than like a love song.
I don't have to listen to this.
CHRIS: 'Wait Here'.
(LAUGHTER)
'Vanessa's hard to rhyme too.
You know, like, when you're doing
a love song, you normally rhyme.
I can't imagine...
"I really want to undress her."
"Let me be your confessor."
Yeah.
"I've just bought
an air compressor."
(LAUGHTER)
CHRISSIE: Plenty of options.
Alright.
Do you want to move on to Zoe?
Zoe, tell us about
the hair commercial.
I don't get why you would
have been the before
'cause you've got amazing hair.
Yes, Carrie, thank you. Um...
But it was a...
a dandruff shampoo commercial.
And I was the dandruff person.
Hold on - did you have dandruff
when you went in the commercial?
I did have dandruff.
That's how I got the...
It was actually...
You had to audition?
Don't they just normally
put a bit of something on to make...
They actually asked for people
with dandruff to come forward for...
Well, they didn't ask.
I got put forward for the job.
CHRIS: What, by...
By your manager?
Was someone, "Does anyone know
"anyone with a shocking
dandruff problem?"
A very good friend of yours said,
"Oh, I know just the person."
It was...I mean, it's grim,
'cause it was the first paid gig
that I ever got,
um, and I'd...I was 18
and I'd signed up for one of those...
..you know, like, an extras agency,
where they...
What, like a flaky scalp database?
No! No, it wasn't... I didn't go...
I wasn't like,
"You know what I'm gonna do?
"I'm gonna make it big
in the flaky scalp world."
Like, I was...it was just
a general extras agency
but they went,
"We've got a job for you,"
and I was very excited.
There's no real point doing a before
and after with different people.
Like, the... (LAUGHS)
The whole point
of the before and after
is the same person
before they used the product,
then the same person
after they've used the product.
But some of those adverts
aren't true.
ZOE: Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
I feel like legally
they'd have to show
that it was removed
from the same head.
If they don't do that, it's a scam
that we've cracked open tonight.
But very brave - very brave
to come out tonight and say,
"I am a flaky-scalped individual."
But that's not brave if you're not
a flaky-scalped individual.
Are you suggesting that she's
gone for flaky appropriation?
Alright, Frank.
CHRIS: We should move on to Frank.
History with Vanessa?
Frank, remind us,
how do you know Vanessa?
Well, Vanessa is the lifeguard
who rescued me, thank goodness,
when I, uh...I got trapped
in a deck chair.
Right, first question there.
Did she laugh for a long time?
My main memory of her
was there was a certain smugness
that...that...
Well, she wasn't trapped
in a deck chair.
It just...it embodies
a certain smugness.
"You're trapped in a deck chair
and I'm not. Mm-hm-hm-hm!"
How do you get...how do get trapped
in a deck chair? What happens?
Well, uh, it was
one of those deck chairs
that almost...bit like
a banana lounge.
It was on...on a cruise, actually,
about three years ago.
And top folds in, clink, ka-clink,
you flip it over and the legs
fold in, clink, clink.
But how did you get trapped in that?
Oh! You want to hear about that
as well?
Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
Um, the back was...had gone down,
basically,
and, like, that's not
how it's meant to work.
And so then I turned...
I got...turned around
and I was kind of leaning forward
to pull the head of the thing up,
and as I leant forward,
I put my weight past the point
where the legs flipped under,
so the...kind of
as I was reaching forward,
it kind of went, "Clink, clink,"
like that,
and my hand was
on the edge of the...here,
and it went down
and I banged into the bit
I was pulling back
and my face kind of slid down
and it went through that little gap.
Kind of went... (IMITATES CLUNKING)
And I was...I was in...there.
(LAUGHTER)
And I couldn't...I couldn't get out.
I was on it...
(APPLAUSE)
Where were you on a cruise to?
Um, it was a cruise
around New Zealand, actually.
It was...it was like an, um...
And I was working as a...you know,
as an entertainer on the cruise.
There were a bunch of us.
And Vanessa was, like,
known amongst the comedians
as being not exactly shrill,
but kind of, um, very strident
about sunscreen.
Like, every time
you went down to the pool,
she had, like, a big pump thing
of sunscreen.
In New Zealand?
Yes, going around New Zealand.
It was in summertime.
Are you sure...are you sure
it was sunscreen
and not some sort of lube for
getting people out of deck chairs?
Thanks, Ross.
I really appreciate that.
'Cause that's what happened.
What happened was
she was always like,
"Slap on your sunscreen, guys!
"Don't forget to slap on
your sunscreen, guys!"
LUKE: I don't like...I don't like
having sunscreen being made fun of.
(LAUGHTER)
CHRIS: So how...how long...
Vanessa just came around
with the sunscreen
and just went, "I think we're gonna
slap on some sunscreen."
And she just lathered all my head
with sunscreen. (SPLUTTERS)
And I just...was out like that.
It was amazing.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
But it's...she sort of...she's
almost a deck chair midwife
in many ways.
Yes.
Alright, I think we need an answer.
We've got Luke's love song listener,
Zoe's shiny-haired shampooer,
or Frank's liberating lifeguard.
What are you thinking, Carrie?
What do you think, Chris?
Well, I'm getting Ed Sheeran vibes.
CARRIE: Yeah.
(LAUGHS)
CHRIS: I mean... Yeah.
I mean...
I was gonna say I could
imagine him doing that.
So you're going with Luke?
CHRIS: I think...
What do you think?
We can rule out Frank, can't we?
I mean, no-one's head can fit
through that thing.
I'm not...I'm not buying Frank
even got employed by a cruise line.
(LAUGHTER)
So I think we can eliminate Frank.
And I still feel like you'd use
the same before-and-after person
for the shampoo thing.
OK, so we're saying no to Frank,
no to Zoe,
which leaves Mr Ed Sheeran.
We're gonna say Luke.
OK. Vanessa, would you reveal
your true identity, please?
My name's Vanessa,
and Luke once serenaded me with...
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
What a gorgeous story!
Now, Luke, I know that you've
previously told Chris's team
that we're not ready
to hear the song,
but if I happened to have a guitar
under the desk,
is there any way...
I'm happy to play it to... Oh.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
We won't laugh. We won't laugh.
Um, are you ready to fall in love
all over again, Vanessa?
(LAUGHTER)
You want to count me in?
FRANK: OK, um...
Ladies and gentlemen,
please endu...endure...
Please...
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHS) Sorry.
(APPLAUSE)
Ladies and gentlemen, please...
Stop helping, stop helping.
Stop helping.
(PLAYS INTRO)
Sorry, wait.
(PLAYS INTRO BRIEFLY) OK.
(SINGS AND LAUGHS)
# Wait here for me
# And I'll wait here for you... #
I'm so sorry about this.
(LAUGHTER)
# Just close your eyes,
I'll be right there by you
# Wait here for me
and I'll wait here for you... #
I just did that bit again. Uh...
# Just close your eyes,
I'll be right there by you
# Tonight. #
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
How did that fail?
Oh!
(CONTESTANTS CHATTER AND LAUGH)
CHRISSIE: That was beautiful!
Everybody, put your hands together
for gorgeous Vanessa.
(CHEERING)
Thanks so much.
That was so beautiful.
We've got to take a break.
We'll be back with more
Would I Lie To You? right after this.
(ROCK MUSIC)
You are watching Would I Lie To You?
and it's time for our next round,
Possession,
in which a mystery object may or may
not belong to one of our panellists.
It's up to the opposing team
to work out
whether the story is a truth
or a lie.
Frank, if you could start us off,
please, sir?
You'll find a box under your desk.
Put the object on the desk
and then read the card.
I once used this magic eight ball
to get out of a speeding ticket.
Right. How did you get
the speeding ticket?
Um...
CHRISSIE: Speeding.
(LAUGHTER)
By which, I mean, where were you?
Where were you driving?
So, I was going down, uh, Hoddle
Street, um, towards, uh, St Kilda.
You can never go very fast
on that road.
There's a lot of lights there.
OK, it's a lie!
(LAUGHTER)
CHRIS: It is...
Um...
No, there's not that many lights.
You can go 60 there
and I was probably going 75.
And were you picked up by a camera
or by an actual policeman?
No, by a police...police officer.
Police officer.
And then what did you do
with the magic eight ball?
Well, because the way
these...these work
is that you shake them
and they give you an answer.
I've just got to put my glasses on.
Um... Oh, it says it's a lie.
Um...
(LAUGHTER)
No, I just said
to the...the officer,
I said, "I don't think
I was speeding.
"Are you sure that your...
your equipment is correct?"
And he said, "I'm sorry, sir,
but you were speeding."
And I said, "Hey, I reckon that...
"Let's...let's, you know, throw
it...throw caution to the wind.
"And let's...let's consult the...
the magic eight ball."
And he went, "No."
I went, "Come on,
it'll be a bit of fun."
So I shook it up like this...
He said, "That's a great idea"?
He was just sort of humouring me.
I didn't really think
it was gonna work
but I thought I'd just have
a bit of fun with it,
and it said, "It's your lucky day."
So I said, "Well, there's
a little bit of confusion here,
"because if that's for you,
then I was...I was speeding,
"but if that was for me,
I'm not speeding.
"Let's go round again,
and at that point,
"this is where
it all becomes believable."
A car goes just screaming past,
I would say at 120km/h.
On Hoddle Street?
On Hoddle Street.
And the cop just went...
He didn't even...look at me again.
He just took off
to be part of that chase.
In this...in this account, the eight
ball hasn't played any role at all
in you getting out of the fine.
But it did buy him time.
Yeah, he hadn't written the ticket.
Yeah, but he...I still reckon...
How long do you reckon you were
doing the eight ball business?
You can do those things for hours.
They're great fun.
You can do, but how long did you?
'Cause I reckon a police officer
could faff around writing a ticket
in the same amount of time you
played two rounds of eight ball.
Look, it's...you can imagine
every...every day he's just writing
out tickets, it's boring, you know,
so the fact that there was somebody
who was gonna have a bit of fun
with him and play and muck around...
Has anyone ever met a policeman
who's up for games?
Yeah, I have -
I've met a couple of cops
who stopped me on my motorbike
and we chatted for ages.
I ended up on their bike with photos.
So you're buying this.
No.
(LAUGHTER)
I'm gonna say lie, I think.
Oh...lie as well.
Two lies.
Go on, then.
We're gonna say lie.
Frank, is it a truth or a lie?
The eight ball is...a lie.
(CHIMING)
(APPLAUSE)
Very good attempt.
Chris, you are next.
Should be a box under your desk.
There is.
Open it up, pop the object out,
and then read the card.
Oh, it's...it's a mandarin.
When I was younger,
sometimes my dad would leave
one of these
outside my bedroom door.
I knew exactly what it meant.
It was trying to tell you
to bring Amanda in?
(LAUGHTER)
It was his...it was his kind way...
No, her lovely sister Clementine.
(LAUGHTER)
We're not gonna talk about Cumquat.
(LAUGHTER)
I don't even know what that means.
Sorry, Chris. What did it mean?
It was his way of telling me to have
a breather, just take a break.
Were you like,
"Why is there a mandarin?"
And to, like, remind you
to take a breather,
and you're like,
"Why not just say that
"instead of putting a mandarin
on the floor?"
The first time he did it
he was more direct.
The first time he actually
came into the room with the mandarin
and he noticed I was a bit stressed.
I was studying for, um,
my end-of-year exams,
my Year 12 exams.
And his solution was to say,
"Chris, why don't you go for a walk
around the block
"and take a mandarin with you?"
Quite cathartic, though,
to peel it and...
There is something
quite, yeah, meditative
about the perfection
of the mandarin's design.
The most relaxing of the fruits.
Yeah. It is.
It is.
I mean, if I'd taken a cantaloupe
out, it would've been ridiculous.
If it was an orange,
oranges are hard...
They can be frustrating to peel. But
mandarins are just like... (POPS)
Yeah.
Aren't they?
They're just like, "Take me,
eat me, suck me, lick me."
(LAUGHTER)
They're just...
That...that peel's just off.
Anyone can unpeel a mandarin.
And there's something quite pleasing
about it.
You would have been doing the HSC
around about, like,
October, November?
Which is coming into spring/summer.
Mandarins,
aren't they a winter fruit?
(AUDIENCE GASPS)
Look, I-I think they are locally,
but, uh, I think we import
a lot of fruit
so we can have some favourites
all year round.
I've discov...I've... (STAMMERS)
I could feel it coming to me,
the chink in this whole argument.
His dad's been dead
for over 50 years.
(LAUGHTER)
I think I need to say
one word to you,
and it's a mandarin-based word -
pips.
ROSS: Oh, come on!
Can't you get pipless mandarins?
CHRISSIE: Yeah, you can.
What year was this?
Yeah, you couldn't back then.
Back then, mandarins
were just chock full of pips.
They're, I would say, 90-95% pips.
Well, in my experience, Frank,
there's even something
quite cathartic
about spitting them out.
Like, if you've got a lot of stress,
and you can take it out
on the pip...
OK, so...
Do you want to have a powwow about
whether it's a truth or a lie?
I think it's a lie.
I think the idea is extremely sound.
I hate the mand...
I hope it's a lie.
OK, we've got two definite...
definite lies.
I reckon go with your gut.
Thank you.
I'm gonna go against my team
and I'm gonna say that it's true.
There you go. Is that truth or a lie?
That...
..is true.
Oh!
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
Well done!
What a sweet dad!
It's true - Chris's dad did leave
a mandarin outside Chris's door
to remind him to take a break.
Alright, it's time for a break.
We'll see you soon
on Would I Lie To You?
(ROCK MUSIC)
VOICEOVER: Can you pick the truth
from the lies?
on 10play on demand.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
Welcome back to Would I Lie To You?
And it's time for Quick Fire Lies.
Just a reminder,
the story on the card
could be completely familiar
to our panellists
or, alternatively, something that
they've never ever seen before.
(BUZZER BEEPS)
Carrie, you are up first.
I once revealed a little too much
to a house guest.
OK, what was the big...
Before we get straight
to the what did you reveal,
what was the living situation
with that house guest
and why were they there?
Um, it was a friend of my son's.
Oh, OK. So how old were they?
Uh...they were...like,
early teenage years.
Maybe, like, 11.
Very early teenage years.
Very, very early.
Some would say pre-teen.
Yeah.
And I would like to ask,
what did you reveal to them?
Mmm.
Um, he saw me naked.
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
Did... Is there... And...
(LAUGHTER)
And did you...did you say,
"I've made a terrible mistake,"
or was it accidental on your part?
It caught me and him by surprise,
um, and I didn't want to make it
awkward,
so I just chatted to him
for a while.
(LAUGHTER)
'Cause nothing makes an 11-year-old
less awkward
than sustaining the naked period
in which he has to look at it.
What part of the house were you in?
Um, I was at the front door.
AUDIENCE: Oh.
WOMAN: What?
You answered the door in the nude?
Yeah.
She was expecting the milkman.
I was going to say,
who were you expecting?
No, I...I thought it was my son,
but it wasn't.
(SQUEALING LAUGHTER)
No, there are families,
like many families,
where that is not an issue.
We're a naked family.
And I was pregnant at the time.
Is...is, uh...
When you said to him, um...
Luke's not coping, guys.
When you said to him, uh...
He'll write you a song soon.
Yeah.
No, but you said
you were so confident
when you opened the front door,
you're like,
"That's probably my son,
so I'll be naked."
Yeah.
Were you completely naked
or underpants?
No, completely naked.
Wow.
And then you've...and then
the friend opened the door
and what did you say to them?
No, I opened the door to him.
I thought it was my son
and I thought maybe he'd forgotten
something, so I opened the door
and I said,
"What have you forgotten?"
And it wasn't him,
it was his friend.
And what did he say?
"What have you forgotten?"
"Everything I've ever known!"
Yeah. (LAUGHS)
But I remember thinking that
I didn't want him to think
that the female body
was anything to be embarrassed by.
Um, and I thought if I just talked
to him about school and stuff...
(LAUGHTER)
It would feel less weird for him...
I mean, let's be honest...
..and that he'd maybe walk away
thinking it wasn't that weird
'cause we talked about...
(LAUGHS).. school stuff.
Let's be...
Yeah.
Let's be perfectly honest,
he's not gonna fail biology.
Did you do at least the sort of
double-handed hands of discretion?
The...
No.
No, you didn't.
No.
You were just like...
I had one hand on the door handle.
And I just kept it up.
What was he doing at your house,
though? Like, what...
I think he forgot his school bag
or something
because he comes over...he still
comes over all the time now.
I bet he does.
ROSS: Yes, yes. Oh, yeah.
All the neighbours are seeing
is a child at a door
and then this naked lady
just talking... (BABBLES)
I have a lot of respect for it
in one way
because I do feel like
we're so, you know, overall...
Hung up.
..hung up about nudity and...
If you can't get naked in front of
school children, what is...
..what is the world coming to?
Yeah.
You know what it is?
It's political correctness gone mad.
Alright, Carrie's story.
Truth or lie?
Uh...I think it's true.
I love it.
I think it's...
I just don't feel that
in the moment,
even as comfortable as you are with
your own body around your family,
if you've opened your front door
and there's an 11-year-old
that you didn't ex...
is a different 11-year-old
than you were expecting...
It's a...it's a surprise.
I... Yeah, you would...
You'd probably...
Your instinct would be to cover up.
It's a surprise
and possibly it's a crime.
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah, I'm...
It's not a good look
to the neighbours.
No.
I'm gonna need an answer.
I feel it's...
I think you've swayed me.
I think it's a big old lie.
Got a lie here.
I think it's a lie.
If it's not, that means...
I kind of want... Yeah.
I just looked over at Carrie then
and she was just going...
(LAUGHS)
..like that.
And that made me feel like
it's true. Something about...
If it's any help,
she's naked from the waist down.
(LAUGHTER)
I think that you're very comfortable
with who you are.
And based on that,
I'm gonna go against my team.
So I'm gonna...I'm gonna say
it's true.
I love this. The jeopardy is real.
Carrie, please reveal your answer.
Unfortunately for him, it is true.
Yes!
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
I knew it.
ROSS: Yeah.
Yeah, it's never quite been the same
between us. (LAUGHS)
CHRIS: Yes.
(ROSS LAUGHS) Right.
Don't go anywhere,
we'll be back with more
Would I Lie To You? after the break.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
Welcome back to Would I Lie To You?
And we're in the middle of the round
we call Quick Fire Lies.
(BUZZER BEEPS)
Alright, Frank, your turn.
Um, I broke a federal law
with my thumb.
(LAUGHTER)
CHRIS: Alright.
(LAUGHS)
(LAUGHS)
Um...
Which thumb?
(LAUGHTER)
Are you just saying yes
or that was the thumb?
Yes, I'm gonna answer the question,
it was this thumb.
Um, no. That thumb.
What was the law?
Well, that's... Wha...
Exactly. What was the law?
What IS the law?
What I'd like to do at this stage,
if that's OK,
I don't know if this is in
the spirit of the game,
but let's brainstorm federal laws.
(LAUGHTER)
What are the federal laws?
There's ones about,
like, it's probably, um...
(CHRISSIE LAUGHS)
Giving myself some thinking time.
Um, no, but it was...
it was a gaming based...
It was like a lotto...
it was a wheel.
You know, the spin-the-wheel-type
thing, but I spun it with my thumb.
Yeah, it was a wheel spinning...
Those keno sort of wheels? Bingo?
Yeah, sort of like that.
The big lotto balls.
Yeah... No, um, no,
it was the...it was on...
It was Chooklotto, actually.
On 'Hey Hey'?
Yeah, it was Chooklotto.
So it was
the Ken Morgan Toyota wheel.
That's the one.
Yeah.
Thanks. Could you...
You sit there and
keep feeding me that stuff
'cause that's really helpful.
Sorry, can I just... Right.
So far, I've heard all these words
and I haven't understood
any of them.
Yeah.
I've worked out that there's
chickens involved in a wheel.
Yeah.
Where... Let's narrow it down.
Before we get to the thumb...
Put my thumb away
for the time being.
Yes, put the thumb aside.
The Chooklotto wheel is on the
program 'Hey Hey It's Saturday'.
Right.
And on this particular occasion,
I...I...
My...me and my colleague Colin Lane.
Lano and Woodley, the duo.
Yes.
We were actually guest hosts of
the program, um, that...that week.
Does anyone believe Daryl Somers
would ever let anyone else
host that show?
CHRISSIE: No.
I think it's the only time
it's ever happened.
Maybe. Or...prob... Maybe.
And so which government, that has
been in charge of running Australia,
introduced a federal law...
(LAUGHTER)
..that there's a correct way
to spin the Chooklotto wheel?
Well, 'cause what happened was
because I broke...
Because there's a whole thing about
if you give away gifts on...
Like, if you play those games...
I don't really unders...
To be honest...
What is a Chooklotto wheel?
It wasn't the Chooklotto wheel,
I've realised, it was the...
Ken Morgan Toyota wheel.
Plucka Duck...Plucka Duck wheel.
The...the Ken...
Yeah, the...the one....
No, Ken Morgan.
The wheel.
The Ken Morgan Toyota wheel
is different...
Who's Ken Morgan?
(LAUGHTER)
So, hang on.
Who's Ken Morgan
and why is he spinning chickens?
Ken Morgan....Ken Morgan
had a Toyota dealership.
Right.
And a normal...
Like what they call
a chocolate wheel.
Right.
And then Chook...
Chooklotto was different.
To be perfectly honest,
I don't know why
I talked about the Chooklotto thing.
It was the... It's the wheel.
The wheel.
It was a dea... A car dealership
was spinning a wheel of chickens.
No. No chickens.
Because Daryl wasn't there
and Frank used his thumb.
Is that... Is that what it...
That's...
At this point, should I just say
it's a lie or do we push on?
(LAUGHTER)
So...
(APPLAUSE)
So it's the Ken Morgan wheel.
You spin the wheel,
digga-digga-digga-digga-digga-digga,
it'll end and you win that thing.
Yes.
Right?
And we gave it a big spin, it went
digga-digga-digga-digga-digga-digga
digga-digga-digga-digga-digga-digga
digga-digga-digga-digga-digga-digga
digga, digga, digga,
digga, digga, digga,
digga, digga, dig, dig, dig, dig,
tick, tick, tick, tick, tick,
tick, tick, tick, tick, tick.
And we all felt, "Oh, my God.
It's gonna end on the car."
Which is the big prize.
The Ken Morgan car.
Ken Morgan.
The Ken Morgan car. It's coming...
Yeah, car dealer.
Digga-digga-digga-dig,
tick, tick, tick, tick...
Oh, my God.
..tick, tick, tick, tick.
Tick, tick...
No, it's gonna go about three past
the car. We could feel it.
Tick, tick, tick, tick.
The thumb came out.
Ahh.
Slowed it down... Tick, tick, tick.
..onto the car.
And we all just went mad.
Yes.
It was just like,
"She's won the car!"
I tell you who didn't go mad.
Ken Morgan.
CHRIS: Ken Morgan.
(LAUGHTER)
So the thumb...
The thumb was actually...
Where I broke the law with my thumb,
I stopped it on the car...
And because you...
Like a sort of flesh brake.
Yes.
Yes.
..you manipulated
the natural progress of the wheel...
That's...
..the organisers challenged you,
saying it wasn't a fair spin
because you actually distorted
the contest.
This story is all coming together.
And...
(LAUGHTER)
Did the police ever get involved?
When you say you broke a law...
No, it was very funny
because we just did it again.
The woman won a car, right,
we spun it again,
tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick,
like, I was...
And she won a packet of chips
or something, the second time round.
The beautiful irony of that is
is she didn't get the car
and she had to walk outside
the studio,
and while she's thumbing a lift,
she's just looking at her thumb,
crying.
Alright, Chris's team,
what do you think?
I...
Oh, it's so ludicrous.
But I don't know.
I...
It's the guest hosting bit
that I just don't remember
Daryl not hosting.
Nah. They'd have to claw it
out of his cold dead hands.
He could literally be
on an intravenous drip.
Yeah.
I believe the flesh brake,
I believe the woman,
it's just Daryl going away and...
I actually think it's true.
I think lie.
Lie?
You're the...you're the team
captain, I give you...
Oh, make a call.
You've gotta make a call too.
I believe in democracy
more than I believe in captaincy,
so I will say lie.
Is it the truth or a lie, Frank?
Well, actually, it is true.
CARRIE: No!
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
What?!
The details were quite...
I still need to know
where Daryl was. Where was Daryl?
Daryl just took a night off.
Oh, my God.
OK. Alright. Well, it is true.
For a show that used to have
a man dressed in a duck suit
who sometimes pretended
to hump the prizes,
I can't believe it was Frank who
almost got in trouble with the law.
(HOOTER BLOWS)
And that noise signals
that time is up.
It's the end of the show sadly.
And I can reveal that
tonight's winner is
Chris's team.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
Hey, hey.
And it's not just a team game.
My individual player for the night
is Mr Ross Noble.
Oh, thank you.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
That's it for Would I Lie To You?
Thank you so much for watching
and goodnight.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
Captions by Red Bee Media