Would I Lie to You? (2007–…): Season 9, Episode 7 - Episode #9.7 - full transcript
APPLAUSE
Good evening and welcome
to Would I Lie to You?
The show with naked truths
and well-dressed lies.
On David Mitchell's team tonight,
a comedian whose performances have
put a smile on many people's faces,
if not his own - it's Jack Dee.
APPLAUSE
And a man who's cool,
he's hip, he's dench,
he's amazeballs,
he's OMG, he's the
dog's bizzle, he's YOLO,
I don't know what any
of those words mean,
it's Tinchy Strider.
APPLAUSE
And on Lee Mack's team tonight,
a comedian who describes
himself as a chubby sociopath,
which is strange cos I've never
thought of him as a sociopath -
it's Romesh Ranganathan.
APPLAUSE
And the presenter of
the National Lottery
where every week some lucky
person wins millions of pounds,
loses all their friends,
breaks up with their spouse,
falls out with their family
and ends up living alone in a
giant house they paid too much for -
it's Gaby Roslin.
APPLAUSE
And so we begin with Round One,
it's Home Truths, where our
panellists each read out a statement
from the card in front of them.
To make things harder,
they've never seen the card before,
they have no idea what
they'll be faced with
and it's up to the opposing team
to sort the fact from the fiction.
Romesh, you're up first tonight.
When I was a teacher,
whilst trying to explain
a tricky concept,
I accidentally locked
a pupil in a cupboard.
LAUGHTER
David's team.
OK. What was the concept?
Was it the concept
of imprisonment or...?
LAUGHTER
It was a... It was a maths lesson,
I was teaching the topic
of probability and chance.
"What's the chances of getting
locked in the cupboard?"
Well, that was a... That became
an extra learning objective.
That wasn't the main one,
I was trying to
get across the idea of....
Narnia.
Yeah.
LAUGHTER
I was trying to get
them to understand
how to explain the
concept of probability.
So, the idea was
that if you had, like,
an alien arrive on Earth
how would you explain probability?
Which would be the first thing
you'd do, wouldn't you?
Yeah.
No, actually... "Put the laser down,
let me talk to you about maths."
Yeah.
Romesh, what age group was this?
So, this is year eight.
So, 11, 12 years old. OK, so...
What happened was, I needed somebody
to pretend to be an alien...
OK.
..so I selected a child...
From the class, I didn't
just go out and look for one.
LAUGHTER
How did you select?
Did you go for the little green
one with the pointy ears?
Well, no, actually what it was -
I thought I was doing a good thing
because you know you get some
kids that are sort of...
That have problems making
friendships and stuff like that
and I had a kid like that
in the class so I thought
I'd bring him out of himself.
You chose the kid
that got bullied...
LAUGHTER
..to be the alien...
..so that the rest of the class can
point at him and go, "Alien."
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I mean, to be fair, I thought
we we're just playing a game,
I didn't realise this
was an Ofsted inspection.
LAUGHTER
So, basically what it was,
I was trying to make it realistic.
OK. So I said to him,
"Why don't we pretend this cupboard
"is like a transformation chamber?"
"You know, you go in the cupboard,
"you go in as a boy..."
Oh, it's just... It's just
getting worse, isn't it?
If one of my kids
came home from school
and described this scene,
I'd be down that school like a shot.
How surprised would you then be
to see that teacher on
the BBC a few years later?
LAUGHTER
In the current climate,
not surprised at all.
APPLAUSE
Basically I said to him, "You're
going to go into the cupboard,
"you're going to
transform into an alien."
What was the concept again you
was trying to teach the kid?
Probability. Probability?
We haven't got to that bit yet,
we're going to find out
when he steps out. Oh, OK.
Oh, we're now trying to find out
how to transform to an alien.
Oh, that's what we're looking
forward to, him coming out,
we never get that far, do we?
what am I talking about?
"At the next Ofsted inspection,
a small skeleton was discovered."
LAUGHTER
And they said, "What are
the chances of that?"
and they said, "Well, interesting
you should ask that."
APPLAUSE
What were you going to do?
That's what I want to know.
If he hadn't have got locked in,
what were you going to do?
The idea was it that he was going
to come out and be the alien
and then I was going to
get different kids to...
I mean, it...
"Get different kids to..."
Don't lose confidence.
LAUGHTER
I was going to get different
kids to explain to him
what probability was.
So, he was going to be, like, the
dummy alien and then he'd be like,
"Be-be-be" and then...
LAUGHTER
Never to be bullied again.
LAUGHTER
I can't help feeling that I'm a
little bit under attack here.
It's all right because
you may be lying,
in which case, you're off the hook.
LAUGHTER
Why does it help to
understand probability
to get children to
explain it to an alien?
So, basically in, in order
to get the idea
that a kid understands a concept,
them explaining it and
that explanation being clear
illustrates that they
have learnt it completely.
So, Romesh you've, sort of,
left it that he's in the cupboard.
He got in... Yeah.
What happened? I realised
I couldn't open the door...
..to let him out, so
I started looking around
for other teachers to help me
and they said,
"Actually, the cupboard...
"it can be opened from the inside."
The problem came when I said to him,
"You're going to have to
come out of the cupboard,
"just open it from the inside."
And he replied,
"Ze-be-de-digger-digger-digger."
LAUGHTER
Because he was being an alien.
Right. Yeah.
That extended the problem...
..and he was in there
for 20 minutes.
So, he came out in the end,
he eventually opened it,
he came out and...?
Well, the lesson was ruined.
LAUGHTER
What are you thinking, David?
I do know that Romesh used to be
a maths teacher... Oh, OK. Right.
..and education's loss
was show business's gain.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
There were so many gaps
in the story, I just...
Yeah, the story wasn't really
adding up right... Ah, yeah.
..for a maths teacher.
I like that. I like that.
I think we think it's a lie, do we?
I think it might be. Yeah.
It's a lie for all of you? OK.
Romesh, truth or lie?
The story is...true.
CHEERING
It's true,
Romesh did ACCIDENTALLY lock
one of his pupils in a cupboard.
LAUGHTER
Tinchy, you're next.
Sometimes I pretend to have
broken something in my house
so that when a man comes round to
fix it, I can play him at ping pong.
LAUGHTER
So, hang on, just to be clear,
what you're saying is
you sometimes pretend that there's
something broken in your house,
to get an handyman round,
so you can what?
So we can play ping pong.
But why, why do you get a strange
man round to play ping pong?
It's not really a strange man,
he's a neighbour
but he's like a handyman,
when I want to play ping pong,
I'll tell him something's broke.
Why can't you just tell him
you want to play ping pong?
Cos I don't know, I just... Are you
telling me the relationship
with your neighbour is so bad
that the only way you can get him
to come round to your house
is by pretending something's
broken at your place?
No, it's not that bad,
he likes ping pong.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
What's he called?
What's he called?
I don't know, I've never met him.
LAUGHTER
What's he called? Handyman.
You could call him Handyman.
But what's his real name
when he's not Handyman.
What's his real name? Paul.
Paul, the handyman.
Handyman Paul, really.
Not Paul, the handyman.
How long have you known Paul for?
I've been living there for
maybe the past three or four years
so, yeah, that long. How many times
has he played ping pong with you?
Oh, loads of times, always
something wrong in my house.
LAUGHTER
So, so you might say... What
might be broken, for example?
For example I might say,
"OK, the light's off in,
like, the conservatory,"
or something and then...
"Conservatory?"
You're very grime, aren't you?
LAUGHTER
So you've put all your hip-hop
money into a conservatory and...
LAUGHTER
..so how would you go from "The
light's broken in the conservatory"
to "Do you want a game
of table tennis?"
Because when he comes round
and then say, for example,
sometimes it's not broken, I say "Ah,
I've fixed it," as he gets there,
and I'm like, "Are you sure...?
"Pop in for a quick
ping pong game then."
LAUGHTER
David, do you play table tennis?
I do, yeah. Really?
Yes, I... Are you good?
I'm all right. OK.
Ah, but can you, can you
fix a light switch?
Otherwise you've got no
chance of playing him.
Absolutely not.
So, how do you serve, David?
Do you serve like that,
like that or...?
David always gets someone
to serve him.
LAUGHTER
Tinchy, I'd really like to, sort of,
get an idea of how you move
the conversation to ping pong.
So, let's say you've broken your TV.
How would it go?
I'll be Paul, the handyman.
Hello. Hang on, we haven't
opened the door yet.
LAUGHTER
"Is it sticking?
I can fix that.
"Actually, I can't
because we're going to
"play table tennis again,
aren't we? I know how this goes."
When someone knocks your door like,
"Knock, knock," I say, "Who is it?"
I don't open and say, "Who is it?"
OK.
Who is it?
LAUGHTER
It's Paul, the handyman. You
phoned me about three minutes ago
about your television,
who do you think?
"Oh, hello, Paul." Open the
door, you're in. "What's up?"
"What's up?" You tell me,
it's your telly.
That's, that's, that's what... Oh,
I see. "What is happening, dude?"
Your relationship with him
is very sarcastic.
LAUGHTER
You try being his ping pong mate,
you'll start being sarcastic.
How do you introduce ping pong?
I say "Oh, yeah,
do you want a drink?"
and then he'll be like
"I'm all right."
And I'm like, "Do you want a game?"
And you give him the special drink
and he wakes up in the
table tennis room.
LAUGHTER
Answer me this, what is he wearing?
What's he wearing? When he wakes up.
When he wakes up?
Have you dressed him as a
professional table tennis player?
Oh, no he's...
Strapped to a mannequin...
I'm swinging this!
So, Lee, is this looking plausible?
Gaby. I think it's true because
he doesn't want to be too upfront
with Paul, the handyman,
so he invites him round to fix.
Sorry, sorry, Handyman Paul.
Sorry, Handyman Paul.
With Handyman Paul for ping pong.
Ping Pong Paul!
Even that name is better,
Ping Pong Paul.
Ping Pong Paul.
So, what are we thinking?
I think it's a lie.
So, Romesh says it's a lie. Yeah.
I think it's true.
Gaby says it's true. Difficult
decision. It's got to be a lie.
It's a lie? OK.
Tinchy, truth or lie?
Everything I was saying
was all...true.
CHEERING
You see.
Good work, well done.
Yes, it's true.
Tinchy does like to play ping pong
with a man that comes round
to fix things in his house.
Our next round is called This Is My,
where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection
to one of our panellists.
Now, this week, each of Lee's
team will claim it's them
that has the genuine
connection to the guest
and it's up to David's team
to spot who's telling the truth.
So, please welcome this week's
special guest, Georgia.
APPLAUSE
So, let's start with Gaby.
What is Georgia to you?
This is Georgia,
and when she fell down a manhole,
I was unable to help her
because I couldn't stop laughing.
Right, so, Romesh,
how do you know Georgia?
This is Georgia.
I have an irrational
fear of sock puppets
and, last year, I had to
leave a children's party
when she put one on.
Right, and finally, Lee, what's
your relationship with Georgia?
This is Georgia, after spending
a weekend at her hotel
I drove home only to find her cat
asleep in the boot of my car.
So there we have it,
Gaby's mate in a manhole,
Romesh's sock scarer
or Lee's lost cat lady.
David's team,
where do you want to start?
So, Gaby, what were the circumstances
of Georgia's accident?
We had been shopping.
So, you're friends? Yes.
LAUGHTER
How do you know each other?
She used to be my
next door neighbour.
So, how old were you when the, when
this happened, the manhole incident?
About 13.
And describe the mishap,
if you can keep a straight face.
LAUGHTER
We'd been shopping
and the bus was coming
and I said, "Run for the bus,"
and then I heard a scream
and, suddenly, I realised that
she'd fallen down a manhole.
You see that, to me,
that would have really hurt.
JACK: I think if you're running,
you don't fall
vertically down a small opening...
Well, she's only little.
She's still able to run
with a big enough stride to
not fall directly down a manhole.
Well, what if you had like
a Tinchy Stryder doing it?
Oh!
APPLAUSE
So, she got out and what was the,
what was the extent of her injuries?
How bad is this story?
"She only started walking
six months ago?"
She had a very,
she had a very bad...chin.
Chin. Chin?
She'd broken her fall with her chin?
LAUGHTER
She wasn't even touching the floor,
just resting on her chin.
LAUGHTER
You're going, "What's up?
I can't speak cos I'm in a hole!
"Help!"
The key question there
is what Jack alluded to,
is that, if you're running along,
you've got forward momentum... Yes.
..and only one foot will
be where the manhole is,
you've got both feet.
That tallies with what she's saying
cos one foot would go in
you go forward and... Chin.
No, it's not very no they're not
very wide, manholes. No, it was...
Cos manholes are about,
you know they're only, you know,
to go down it like that, you'd have
to be aiming for it, wouldn't you?
You'd have to be doing run, run,
run, jump, legs together.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Right, Romesh,
you have a fear of sock puppets.
Yeah. I do, yeah.
OK, I believe you.
LAUGHTER
Why?
It's this.
I find that terr...
Like a snake!
At any point, they can
just turn towards you.
Yeah, and it's the
unpredictability of it,
you know like... It's not fun.
You know, they've got
the sock puppet there
then you're sitting down
there going "Oh, ho-ho-ho!"
That's not funny, that's terrifying.
It's horrible.
And what was the occasion
with Georgia?
Well, I don't actually
know Georgia that well.
What happened was it that I was
going to a kids' birthday party
with my children... OK.
..and the problem that
we have is that our oldest child
is very, sort of, chilled out
and he just has a nice time.
The second one is...
Well, he's not.
And so, we arrived at the party
and his behaviour was unacceptable,
he was shoving kids and it was
getting pretty embarrassing
and we were trying to control
it and so, basically,
she saw that there was
an emergency situation,
I, sort of, wandered over
and she was reaching into her pocket
to pull out what I thought...
What I hoped was a gun, but...
LAUGHTER
..but it turned out
to be the sock puppet
and she put the
sock puppet on and then,
"Here he comes again,
hello, ho-ho-ho!"
See he says a lot of,
it's unpredictable, it's not...
Yeah, but you don't
know what the... We know.
You don't know what the
puppeteer might do,
what they might think is funny.
Well, they're either
going to do that or that. Yeah.
No, but they can do that -
"Attack, attack, attack."
Yeah, but the sock is not
what enables them to do that.
In many ways, any human
might suddenly do that to you.
No, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not...
That's the risk we live with
whenever we interact. I'm not...
Is that what you're thinking
when you're chatting? Yeah, I...
I always wondered about
that strange look you give me
when we're having a drink afterwards
and you go like that, constant.
I always think you give
it a couple of yards
so, if you suddenly do that,
you can get away.
So, how did you react, Romesh?
I just, sort of, grabbed
my son and I went,
"I'll get him, I'll sort him out.
Don't worry, thank you, ha-ha-ha!"
and just tried to not look,
and then I ran out the party
into the back garden.
Right. She's not going to come
after you with the sock(?)
No, if she'd have come out
to the garden with like this,
I would have just knocked her out.
LAUGHTER
So, Lee, "cat in car post-hotel"
I've written down.
That's her name, yeah. Yeah.
LAUGHTER
What kind of cat was it, Lee?
Oh, it's a black one.
Oh, yeah. What kind of hotel?
Red.
LAUGHTER
What kind of car?
Blue!
Were you there for the weekend?
I'd taken my wife away
for a weekend in a boutique hotel
in the New Forest - the old
forest wasn't doing it for me.
Right. Had you got home
when you discovered the cat?
Yes, I'd got home and
I opened up the boot...
to let the wife out. No.
LAUGHTER
I'd opened up the
boot to get the...
To get the luggage out...
And there was a flattened cat.
No. What had happened is,
I opened up the boot of the car,
I'd gone into the hotel
because I put my bag in but my wife
was chatting away to someone,
I was trying to get
her away, I said,
"Come on, we should
probably drift off now,"
that's when the cat had jumped in.
And you drove back home...
Drove back home. ..no incident,
no sound of purring or yowling
that you couldn't
attribute to your wife.
Yeah. No, I just...
Bit rude, David, And I...
LAUGHTER
Shame, that, you let yourself down.
Still doing all that
old school comedy, I see.
And yeah, we hadn't
heard anything,
we had the radio playing
quite loudly and
we all know that the
sound of Spandau Ballet
is a lot louder than "meow."
LAUGHTER
And you remembered, when
you saw the cat in the car,
"That's the cat from the hotel."
Well, yeah, I mean the,
a jet black cat in a hotel...
You don't see a lot of cats in
hotels anyway, do you?
No, you don't any more cos you've
taken them home in your car clearly.
Did you drive him straight back?
I immediately rang
the hotel and said,
"The bacon was a bit burnt,
but whatever.
"I've got your cat." And she said,
"Blooming heck, all right.
"Next time I won't cook it so much."
I went "No, it's not a threat,
"I'm just letting you know
I've got your cat.
"That was just an aside.
"I'm not going to start sending
you an ear and then a paw
"I mean, you know, you're
getting the cat back...
"Well, eventually."
But no, I said "You know,
why don't we meet halfway?
"We'll meet at a service station
and I will give you the cat."
So, David's team,
we need an answer.
Is Georgia...
Gaby's mate in a manhole?
Romesh's sock scarer?
Or Lee's lost cat lady?
Any initial instincts?
It feels like none
of them know Georgia.
LAUGHTER
I'm not buying it
about the sock puppet,
although it is definitely possible.
The problem that we have here
is that not all of you
are telling the truth.
LAUGHTER
Yeah.
LEE: That is true.
I think Gaby knows Georgia,
that's my instinct.
I think we're going manhole? Yeah.
Manhole? Manhole?
Let's call her Gaby.
Gaby. Gaby, please.
LAUGHTER
Farther than I ever
intended it to be.
I'm so sorry.
That was just....
If I thought that through,
I would never have said that.
So, we're saying
that it's Gaby.
It's Gaby that's telling the truth.
It's the manhole.
Georgia, would you please
reveal your true identity?
My name is Georgia,
I'm a friend of Gaby,
and I fell down the manhole.
APPLAUSE
Yes, Georgia is
Gaby's fallen friend.
Thank you very much,
Georgia, thank you.
APPLAUSE
Which brings us to our final round,
Quick Fire Lies,
and we start with...
BUZZER
It's Jack. Hmm.
I had to reprimand my builder
after I came home early one day
and caught him eating
doughnuts in the bath.
LAUGHTER
Lee's team.
How did you reprimand him?
I said "What do you think you're
playing at? What's going on?"
Were they the ones with jam
in the middle or the rings?
What - the doughnuts or the bath?
The doughnuts.
Well, they're a popular brand.
They were Krispy Kreme.
Other brands are available
but that's what he was eating.
What did he say when you said?
"What the hell are you playing at?"
He said, "Oh, sorry, I didn't
know you were coming home."
LAUGHTER
In mitigation, the bath
wasn't filled with water,
it actually wasn't
even plumbed in yet,
but he was lying in it
and just taking a bit of a
break having some doughnuts -
having my doughnuts.
Did you offer him biscuits
and doughnuts beforehand?
Before you left that day?
Certainly not, no.
No, because I wanted him
to plumb the bath in.
LAUGHTER
Lay on a load of confectionery
and he's not going to get
on with the work,
but anyway, he helped himself
anyway.
What upset me is he'd gone into the
kitchen and helped himself to the...
They're yours, he hadn't even
brought them in. No, they were mine.
How many doughnuts were there?
We'd bought 36 because we were...
Whoa, whoa. What are you
doing with 36 doughnuts?
Well, because we were
expecting friends round
because it's a new house.
And you are, you're having
this house-warming, curiously...
before the bathroom
had been finished.
GABY: Yes, I'm concerned
about your plumbing.
Yeah, well, you know,
the builder had...
Not the first time a
woman said that to Jack.
The builder had...
The loo was done - in fact,
one of them wasn't done but, yes.
I'm obsessed with the boldness of
taking a whole box to the bathroom,
more so than getting in the bath.
Yeah. I don't care where he's sat.
I agree. How far would he have...?
You don't care?!
You don't care if a builder
was in your house
and sat in your empty bath?
Only after it's been plumbed
in does that bother me.
Oh, so an empty bath
that's not plumbed in,
you don't mind anybody
sitting in your empty bath?
He can wee in it for all I care,
it's empty, it's not plumbed in.
Can I just say, if you're thinking
of breaking into my house,
that was a joke,
do not urinate in my bath.
I must say I agree with Lee,
I think an unplumbed bath is
still the builder's province.
Yeah. Once it's plumbed in, they've
signed off on it, then it's yours,
it's your place of washing -
before then, who knows?
GABY: So, anybody can go
and sit in an unplumbed bath?
No, not anyone, no.
A qualified builder-slash-doughnut
eater.
LAUGHTER
I want to know if the party
still happened though.
Everyone arrived, didn't they,
they didn't know this had happened.
Was this a showbiz event?
Cos I don't remember
getting the invite. Yeah...
LAUGHTER
..are you in showbiz, are you, Lee?
All right, all right.
Come on, there's no
need for that, Jack.
Lee, what are you thinking?
I don't know. Romesh,
what do you think?
I find your idea of serving
doughnuts at a party unacceptable.
That is unacceptable.
And if I turn up to
a party expecting doughnuts
and they said, "There are no
doughnuts," you know what I'd say?
"Well, at least,
can I just have a hot bath?"
And you can't even offer that.
LAUGHTER
I think it's a lie.
Gaby? Must be lying.
Both say it's a lie, I'll go
with my team and say it's a lie.
Oh, you're saying it's a lie.
Jack, truth or lie?
It is...a lie.
APPLAUSE
Yes, it's a lie,
Jack didn't catch his builder
eating doughnuts in the bath.
Next.
BUZZER
It's Gaby.
If I'm ever worried
about something silly,
I write it on a sheet of loo roll,
eat it and the worry goes away.
LAUGHTER
David's team.
Right, but only if you're
worried about something silly?
Well, it's those little things, you
know those things that just bug you
and you can't get
out of your mind. No.
LAUGHTER
What sort of silly worry then?
You know when you wake up at
three o'clock in the morning
and it's those,
it's those little things,
"Did I close the cat flap?" Or,
"Did I put the rubbish out?" Or...
That's up to the cat.
"Did I...?
"Did I turn the lights off?"
All of those, the
little, silly things
so then I'd go to the bathroom,
and I write it down.
It's not quicker just to check
whether you've turned the lights off?
No because the bathroom's closer
than going all the way downstairs.
Is it an en-suite, Gaby?
Is it an en-suite? No, it's not.
Tinchy's off again,
"Is it en suite? Mine is."
LAUGHTER
"I had it put in at the same
time as the conservatory."
"And the ping pong room."
"There's a lot of money in grime,
I'll have you know."
So, you...? So, it's like
a silly domestic...
Oh, it's just silly things.
"..have I locked the back door?"
that sort of thing.
When the kids go
swimming with school,
I sometimes worry that
their swim kit isn't ready.
What happens if you
wake up in the night
and worry about all the loo
roll you've been eating?
LAUGHTER
So, what do you do
when you got bigger worries?
THEN I don't write
it on the loo roll.
Oh, what do you write it on?
What do you eat? Kitchen roll.
No, that... Kitchen roll.
APPLAUSE
So, OK, let's say you're
worried about swim...
Swim. "Swim."
You write swim on a bit of loo roll,
and is that a whole piece?
Yeah, but, just one section,
not the whole roll.
Yes, well it's a lot...
It's not a lot of loo roll,
but it's a lot to eat.
No, they're only little.
But they're not food.
LAUGHTER
But it's paper.
I mean, this is only little
but I don't fancy my chances
of getting it down me.
It's not like a sandwich.
No, but I don't want a sandwich
in the middle of the night.
But, just as delicious...
LAUGHTER
Just a piece of loo roll with
a slight flavour of ink.
What was the first worry that
led you to go round loo roll
and eat the loo roll? Yeah.
Do you know, it was
probably when I was young,
I think I was worried about doing
my exams and things like that
so I put the subject
that I was worried about
and I just chewed it up
and the worry went away.
Yeah. Did you do well in the exam?
No. OK.
LAUGHTER
We know that was the worry
but what all the rational people
here are still wondering is,
"OK, I'm worried,
"but why am I writing on
toilet paper and then eating it?"
Because, because I wanted
to go and sit in the light
and the loo, the bathroom
light is on...
Good, fine, yes.
..and I needed a wee. Right.
But what's the logic?
Because I thought... People say
that if you write things down,
it takes the worry away.
Yes, not...
They don't say, "If you write
it down and eat it." Yes.
Do you think...? I didn't
know what else to do, it does,
I didn't know how else to
get rid of the loo paper.
But you're on the toilet!
LAUGHTER
So, what do you think?
I'm on the lie side.
All right, I'm thinking it's a lie.
I think we think it's a lie.
OK, conclusively a lie.
Gaby, truth or lie?
It's actually...
a lie.
APPLAUSE
END BUZZER
And that noise signals time is up,
it's the end of the
show and I can reveal
that David's team have won
by three points to two.
APPLAUSE
But, it's not just a team game
and my individual liar of the week,
this week, is Tinchy Stryder.
APPLAUSE
And Tinchy's invited us, now,
to hang with his crew and
get on the decks, so,
thank you, Tinchy, I love a regatta.
Goodnight.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
MUSIC: You've Got The Love
by Florence + The Machine
Good evening and welcome
to Would I Lie to You?
The show with naked truths
and well-dressed lies.
On David Mitchell's team tonight,
a comedian whose performances have
put a smile on many people's faces,
if not his own - it's Jack Dee.
APPLAUSE
And a man who's cool,
he's hip, he's dench,
he's amazeballs,
he's OMG, he's the
dog's bizzle, he's YOLO,
I don't know what any
of those words mean,
it's Tinchy Strider.
APPLAUSE
And on Lee Mack's team tonight,
a comedian who describes
himself as a chubby sociopath,
which is strange cos I've never
thought of him as a sociopath -
it's Romesh Ranganathan.
APPLAUSE
And the presenter of
the National Lottery
where every week some lucky
person wins millions of pounds,
loses all their friends,
breaks up with their spouse,
falls out with their family
and ends up living alone in a
giant house they paid too much for -
it's Gaby Roslin.
APPLAUSE
And so we begin with Round One,
it's Home Truths, where our
panellists each read out a statement
from the card in front of them.
To make things harder,
they've never seen the card before,
they have no idea what
they'll be faced with
and it's up to the opposing team
to sort the fact from the fiction.
Romesh, you're up first tonight.
When I was a teacher,
whilst trying to explain
a tricky concept,
I accidentally locked
a pupil in a cupboard.
LAUGHTER
David's team.
OK. What was the concept?
Was it the concept
of imprisonment or...?
LAUGHTER
It was a... It was a maths lesson,
I was teaching the topic
of probability and chance.
"What's the chances of getting
locked in the cupboard?"
Well, that was a... That became
an extra learning objective.
That wasn't the main one,
I was trying to
get across the idea of....
Narnia.
Yeah.
LAUGHTER
I was trying to get
them to understand
how to explain the
concept of probability.
So, the idea was
that if you had, like,
an alien arrive on Earth
how would you explain probability?
Which would be the first thing
you'd do, wouldn't you?
Yeah.
No, actually... "Put the laser down,
let me talk to you about maths."
Yeah.
Romesh, what age group was this?
So, this is year eight.
So, 11, 12 years old. OK, so...
What happened was, I needed somebody
to pretend to be an alien...
OK.
..so I selected a child...
From the class, I didn't
just go out and look for one.
LAUGHTER
How did you select?
Did you go for the little green
one with the pointy ears?
Well, no, actually what it was -
I thought I was doing a good thing
because you know you get some
kids that are sort of...
That have problems making
friendships and stuff like that
and I had a kid like that
in the class so I thought
I'd bring him out of himself.
You chose the kid
that got bullied...
LAUGHTER
..to be the alien...
..so that the rest of the class can
point at him and go, "Alien."
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I mean, to be fair, I thought
we we're just playing a game,
I didn't realise this
was an Ofsted inspection.
LAUGHTER
So, basically what it was,
I was trying to make it realistic.
OK. So I said to him,
"Why don't we pretend this cupboard
"is like a transformation chamber?"
"You know, you go in the cupboard,
"you go in as a boy..."
Oh, it's just... It's just
getting worse, isn't it?
If one of my kids
came home from school
and described this scene,
I'd be down that school like a shot.
How surprised would you then be
to see that teacher on
the BBC a few years later?
LAUGHTER
In the current climate,
not surprised at all.
APPLAUSE
Basically I said to him, "You're
going to go into the cupboard,
"you're going to
transform into an alien."
What was the concept again you
was trying to teach the kid?
Probability. Probability?
We haven't got to that bit yet,
we're going to find out
when he steps out. Oh, OK.
Oh, we're now trying to find out
how to transform to an alien.
Oh, that's what we're looking
forward to, him coming out,
we never get that far, do we?
what am I talking about?
"At the next Ofsted inspection,
a small skeleton was discovered."
LAUGHTER
And they said, "What are
the chances of that?"
and they said, "Well, interesting
you should ask that."
APPLAUSE
What were you going to do?
That's what I want to know.
If he hadn't have got locked in,
what were you going to do?
The idea was it that he was going
to come out and be the alien
and then I was going to
get different kids to...
I mean, it...
"Get different kids to..."
Don't lose confidence.
LAUGHTER
I was going to get different
kids to explain to him
what probability was.
So, he was going to be, like, the
dummy alien and then he'd be like,
"Be-be-be" and then...
LAUGHTER
Never to be bullied again.
LAUGHTER
I can't help feeling that I'm a
little bit under attack here.
It's all right because
you may be lying,
in which case, you're off the hook.
LAUGHTER
Why does it help to
understand probability
to get children to
explain it to an alien?
So, basically in, in order
to get the idea
that a kid understands a concept,
them explaining it and
that explanation being clear
illustrates that they
have learnt it completely.
So, Romesh you've, sort of,
left it that he's in the cupboard.
He got in... Yeah.
What happened? I realised
I couldn't open the door...
..to let him out, so
I started looking around
for other teachers to help me
and they said,
"Actually, the cupboard...
"it can be opened from the inside."
The problem came when I said to him,
"You're going to have to
come out of the cupboard,
"just open it from the inside."
And he replied,
"Ze-be-de-digger-digger-digger."
LAUGHTER
Because he was being an alien.
Right. Yeah.
That extended the problem...
..and he was in there
for 20 minutes.
So, he came out in the end,
he eventually opened it,
he came out and...?
Well, the lesson was ruined.
LAUGHTER
What are you thinking, David?
I do know that Romesh used to be
a maths teacher... Oh, OK. Right.
..and education's loss
was show business's gain.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
There were so many gaps
in the story, I just...
Yeah, the story wasn't really
adding up right... Ah, yeah.
..for a maths teacher.
I like that. I like that.
I think we think it's a lie, do we?
I think it might be. Yeah.
It's a lie for all of you? OK.
Romesh, truth or lie?
The story is...true.
CHEERING
It's true,
Romesh did ACCIDENTALLY lock
one of his pupils in a cupboard.
LAUGHTER
Tinchy, you're next.
Sometimes I pretend to have
broken something in my house
so that when a man comes round to
fix it, I can play him at ping pong.
LAUGHTER
So, hang on, just to be clear,
what you're saying is
you sometimes pretend that there's
something broken in your house,
to get an handyman round,
so you can what?
So we can play ping pong.
But why, why do you get a strange
man round to play ping pong?
It's not really a strange man,
he's a neighbour
but he's like a handyman,
when I want to play ping pong,
I'll tell him something's broke.
Why can't you just tell him
you want to play ping pong?
Cos I don't know, I just... Are you
telling me the relationship
with your neighbour is so bad
that the only way you can get him
to come round to your house
is by pretending something's
broken at your place?
No, it's not that bad,
he likes ping pong.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
What's he called?
What's he called?
I don't know, I've never met him.
LAUGHTER
What's he called? Handyman.
You could call him Handyman.
But what's his real name
when he's not Handyman.
What's his real name? Paul.
Paul, the handyman.
Handyman Paul, really.
Not Paul, the handyman.
How long have you known Paul for?
I've been living there for
maybe the past three or four years
so, yeah, that long. How many times
has he played ping pong with you?
Oh, loads of times, always
something wrong in my house.
LAUGHTER
So, so you might say... What
might be broken, for example?
For example I might say,
"OK, the light's off in,
like, the conservatory,"
or something and then...
"Conservatory?"
You're very grime, aren't you?
LAUGHTER
So you've put all your hip-hop
money into a conservatory and...
LAUGHTER
..so how would you go from "The
light's broken in the conservatory"
to "Do you want a game
of table tennis?"
Because when he comes round
and then say, for example,
sometimes it's not broken, I say "Ah,
I've fixed it," as he gets there,
and I'm like, "Are you sure...?
"Pop in for a quick
ping pong game then."
LAUGHTER
David, do you play table tennis?
I do, yeah. Really?
Yes, I... Are you good?
I'm all right. OK.
Ah, but can you, can you
fix a light switch?
Otherwise you've got no
chance of playing him.
Absolutely not.
So, how do you serve, David?
Do you serve like that,
like that or...?
David always gets someone
to serve him.
LAUGHTER
Tinchy, I'd really like to, sort of,
get an idea of how you move
the conversation to ping pong.
So, let's say you've broken your TV.
How would it go?
I'll be Paul, the handyman.
Hello. Hang on, we haven't
opened the door yet.
LAUGHTER
"Is it sticking?
I can fix that.
"Actually, I can't
because we're going to
"play table tennis again,
aren't we? I know how this goes."
When someone knocks your door like,
"Knock, knock," I say, "Who is it?"
I don't open and say, "Who is it?"
OK.
Who is it?
LAUGHTER
It's Paul, the handyman. You
phoned me about three minutes ago
about your television,
who do you think?
"Oh, hello, Paul." Open the
door, you're in. "What's up?"
"What's up?" You tell me,
it's your telly.
That's, that's, that's what... Oh,
I see. "What is happening, dude?"
Your relationship with him
is very sarcastic.
LAUGHTER
You try being his ping pong mate,
you'll start being sarcastic.
How do you introduce ping pong?
I say "Oh, yeah,
do you want a drink?"
and then he'll be like
"I'm all right."
And I'm like, "Do you want a game?"
And you give him the special drink
and he wakes up in the
table tennis room.
LAUGHTER
Answer me this, what is he wearing?
What's he wearing? When he wakes up.
When he wakes up?
Have you dressed him as a
professional table tennis player?
Oh, no he's...
Strapped to a mannequin...
I'm swinging this!
So, Lee, is this looking plausible?
Gaby. I think it's true because
he doesn't want to be too upfront
with Paul, the handyman,
so he invites him round to fix.
Sorry, sorry, Handyman Paul.
Sorry, Handyman Paul.
With Handyman Paul for ping pong.
Ping Pong Paul!
Even that name is better,
Ping Pong Paul.
Ping Pong Paul.
So, what are we thinking?
I think it's a lie.
So, Romesh says it's a lie. Yeah.
I think it's true.
Gaby says it's true. Difficult
decision. It's got to be a lie.
It's a lie? OK.
Tinchy, truth or lie?
Everything I was saying
was all...true.
CHEERING
You see.
Good work, well done.
Yes, it's true.
Tinchy does like to play ping pong
with a man that comes round
to fix things in his house.
Our next round is called This Is My,
where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection
to one of our panellists.
Now, this week, each of Lee's
team will claim it's them
that has the genuine
connection to the guest
and it's up to David's team
to spot who's telling the truth.
So, please welcome this week's
special guest, Georgia.
APPLAUSE
So, let's start with Gaby.
What is Georgia to you?
This is Georgia,
and when she fell down a manhole,
I was unable to help her
because I couldn't stop laughing.
Right, so, Romesh,
how do you know Georgia?
This is Georgia.
I have an irrational
fear of sock puppets
and, last year, I had to
leave a children's party
when she put one on.
Right, and finally, Lee, what's
your relationship with Georgia?
This is Georgia, after spending
a weekend at her hotel
I drove home only to find her cat
asleep in the boot of my car.
So there we have it,
Gaby's mate in a manhole,
Romesh's sock scarer
or Lee's lost cat lady.
David's team,
where do you want to start?
So, Gaby, what were the circumstances
of Georgia's accident?
We had been shopping.
So, you're friends? Yes.
LAUGHTER
How do you know each other?
She used to be my
next door neighbour.
So, how old were you when the, when
this happened, the manhole incident?
About 13.
And describe the mishap,
if you can keep a straight face.
LAUGHTER
We'd been shopping
and the bus was coming
and I said, "Run for the bus,"
and then I heard a scream
and, suddenly, I realised that
she'd fallen down a manhole.
You see that, to me,
that would have really hurt.
JACK: I think if you're running,
you don't fall
vertically down a small opening...
Well, she's only little.
She's still able to run
with a big enough stride to
not fall directly down a manhole.
Well, what if you had like
a Tinchy Stryder doing it?
Oh!
APPLAUSE
So, she got out and what was the,
what was the extent of her injuries?
How bad is this story?
"She only started walking
six months ago?"
She had a very,
she had a very bad...chin.
Chin. Chin?
She'd broken her fall with her chin?
LAUGHTER
She wasn't even touching the floor,
just resting on her chin.
LAUGHTER
You're going, "What's up?
I can't speak cos I'm in a hole!
"Help!"
The key question there
is what Jack alluded to,
is that, if you're running along,
you've got forward momentum... Yes.
..and only one foot will
be where the manhole is,
you've got both feet.
That tallies with what she's saying
cos one foot would go in
you go forward and... Chin.
No, it's not very no they're not
very wide, manholes. No, it was...
Cos manholes are about,
you know they're only, you know,
to go down it like that, you'd have
to be aiming for it, wouldn't you?
You'd have to be doing run, run,
run, jump, legs together.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Right, Romesh,
you have a fear of sock puppets.
Yeah. I do, yeah.
OK, I believe you.
LAUGHTER
Why?
It's this.
I find that terr...
Like a snake!
At any point, they can
just turn towards you.
Yeah, and it's the
unpredictability of it,
you know like... It's not fun.
You know, they've got
the sock puppet there
then you're sitting down
there going "Oh, ho-ho-ho!"
That's not funny, that's terrifying.
It's horrible.
And what was the occasion
with Georgia?
Well, I don't actually
know Georgia that well.
What happened was it that I was
going to a kids' birthday party
with my children... OK.
..and the problem that
we have is that our oldest child
is very, sort of, chilled out
and he just has a nice time.
The second one is...
Well, he's not.
And so, we arrived at the party
and his behaviour was unacceptable,
he was shoving kids and it was
getting pretty embarrassing
and we were trying to control
it and so, basically,
she saw that there was
an emergency situation,
I, sort of, wandered over
and she was reaching into her pocket
to pull out what I thought...
What I hoped was a gun, but...
LAUGHTER
..but it turned out
to be the sock puppet
and she put the
sock puppet on and then,
"Here he comes again,
hello, ho-ho-ho!"
See he says a lot of,
it's unpredictable, it's not...
Yeah, but you don't
know what the... We know.
You don't know what the
puppeteer might do,
what they might think is funny.
Well, they're either
going to do that or that. Yeah.
No, but they can do that -
"Attack, attack, attack."
Yeah, but the sock is not
what enables them to do that.
In many ways, any human
might suddenly do that to you.
No, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not...
That's the risk we live with
whenever we interact. I'm not...
Is that what you're thinking
when you're chatting? Yeah, I...
I always wondered about
that strange look you give me
when we're having a drink afterwards
and you go like that, constant.
I always think you give
it a couple of yards
so, if you suddenly do that,
you can get away.
So, how did you react, Romesh?
I just, sort of, grabbed
my son and I went,
"I'll get him, I'll sort him out.
Don't worry, thank you, ha-ha-ha!"
and just tried to not look,
and then I ran out the party
into the back garden.
Right. She's not going to come
after you with the sock(?)
No, if she'd have come out
to the garden with like this,
I would have just knocked her out.
LAUGHTER
So, Lee, "cat in car post-hotel"
I've written down.
That's her name, yeah. Yeah.
LAUGHTER
What kind of cat was it, Lee?
Oh, it's a black one.
Oh, yeah. What kind of hotel?
Red.
LAUGHTER
What kind of car?
Blue!
Were you there for the weekend?
I'd taken my wife away
for a weekend in a boutique hotel
in the New Forest - the old
forest wasn't doing it for me.
Right. Had you got home
when you discovered the cat?
Yes, I'd got home and
I opened up the boot...
to let the wife out. No.
LAUGHTER
I'd opened up the
boot to get the...
To get the luggage out...
And there was a flattened cat.
No. What had happened is,
I opened up the boot of the car,
I'd gone into the hotel
because I put my bag in but my wife
was chatting away to someone,
I was trying to get
her away, I said,
"Come on, we should
probably drift off now,"
that's when the cat had jumped in.
And you drove back home...
Drove back home. ..no incident,
no sound of purring or yowling
that you couldn't
attribute to your wife.
Yeah. No, I just...
Bit rude, David, And I...
LAUGHTER
Shame, that, you let yourself down.
Still doing all that
old school comedy, I see.
And yeah, we hadn't
heard anything,
we had the radio playing
quite loudly and
we all know that the
sound of Spandau Ballet
is a lot louder than "meow."
LAUGHTER
And you remembered, when
you saw the cat in the car,
"That's the cat from the hotel."
Well, yeah, I mean the,
a jet black cat in a hotel...
You don't see a lot of cats in
hotels anyway, do you?
No, you don't any more cos you've
taken them home in your car clearly.
Did you drive him straight back?
I immediately rang
the hotel and said,
"The bacon was a bit burnt,
but whatever.
"I've got your cat." And she said,
"Blooming heck, all right.
"Next time I won't cook it so much."
I went "No, it's not a threat,
"I'm just letting you know
I've got your cat.
"That was just an aside.
"I'm not going to start sending
you an ear and then a paw
"I mean, you know, you're
getting the cat back...
"Well, eventually."
But no, I said "You know,
why don't we meet halfway?
"We'll meet at a service station
and I will give you the cat."
So, David's team,
we need an answer.
Is Georgia...
Gaby's mate in a manhole?
Romesh's sock scarer?
Or Lee's lost cat lady?
Any initial instincts?
It feels like none
of them know Georgia.
LAUGHTER
I'm not buying it
about the sock puppet,
although it is definitely possible.
The problem that we have here
is that not all of you
are telling the truth.
LAUGHTER
Yeah.
LEE: That is true.
I think Gaby knows Georgia,
that's my instinct.
I think we're going manhole? Yeah.
Manhole? Manhole?
Let's call her Gaby.
Gaby. Gaby, please.
LAUGHTER
Farther than I ever
intended it to be.
I'm so sorry.
That was just....
If I thought that through,
I would never have said that.
So, we're saying
that it's Gaby.
It's Gaby that's telling the truth.
It's the manhole.
Georgia, would you please
reveal your true identity?
My name is Georgia,
I'm a friend of Gaby,
and I fell down the manhole.
APPLAUSE
Yes, Georgia is
Gaby's fallen friend.
Thank you very much,
Georgia, thank you.
APPLAUSE
Which brings us to our final round,
Quick Fire Lies,
and we start with...
BUZZER
It's Jack. Hmm.
I had to reprimand my builder
after I came home early one day
and caught him eating
doughnuts in the bath.
LAUGHTER
Lee's team.
How did you reprimand him?
I said "What do you think you're
playing at? What's going on?"
Were they the ones with jam
in the middle or the rings?
What - the doughnuts or the bath?
The doughnuts.
Well, they're a popular brand.
They were Krispy Kreme.
Other brands are available
but that's what he was eating.
What did he say when you said?
"What the hell are you playing at?"
He said, "Oh, sorry, I didn't
know you were coming home."
LAUGHTER
In mitigation, the bath
wasn't filled with water,
it actually wasn't
even plumbed in yet,
but he was lying in it
and just taking a bit of a
break having some doughnuts -
having my doughnuts.
Did you offer him biscuits
and doughnuts beforehand?
Before you left that day?
Certainly not, no.
No, because I wanted him
to plumb the bath in.
LAUGHTER
Lay on a load of confectionery
and he's not going to get
on with the work,
but anyway, he helped himself
anyway.
What upset me is he'd gone into the
kitchen and helped himself to the...
They're yours, he hadn't even
brought them in. No, they were mine.
How many doughnuts were there?
We'd bought 36 because we were...
Whoa, whoa. What are you
doing with 36 doughnuts?
Well, because we were
expecting friends round
because it's a new house.
And you are, you're having
this house-warming, curiously...
before the bathroom
had been finished.
GABY: Yes, I'm concerned
about your plumbing.
Yeah, well, you know,
the builder had...
Not the first time a
woman said that to Jack.
The builder had...
The loo was done - in fact,
one of them wasn't done but, yes.
I'm obsessed with the boldness of
taking a whole box to the bathroom,
more so than getting in the bath.
Yeah. I don't care where he's sat.
I agree. How far would he have...?
You don't care?!
You don't care if a builder
was in your house
and sat in your empty bath?
Only after it's been plumbed
in does that bother me.
Oh, so an empty bath
that's not plumbed in,
you don't mind anybody
sitting in your empty bath?
He can wee in it for all I care,
it's empty, it's not plumbed in.
Can I just say, if you're thinking
of breaking into my house,
that was a joke,
do not urinate in my bath.
I must say I agree with Lee,
I think an unplumbed bath is
still the builder's province.
Yeah. Once it's plumbed in, they've
signed off on it, then it's yours,
it's your place of washing -
before then, who knows?
GABY: So, anybody can go
and sit in an unplumbed bath?
No, not anyone, no.
A qualified builder-slash-doughnut
eater.
LAUGHTER
I want to know if the party
still happened though.
Everyone arrived, didn't they,
they didn't know this had happened.
Was this a showbiz event?
Cos I don't remember
getting the invite. Yeah...
LAUGHTER
..are you in showbiz, are you, Lee?
All right, all right.
Come on, there's no
need for that, Jack.
Lee, what are you thinking?
I don't know. Romesh,
what do you think?
I find your idea of serving
doughnuts at a party unacceptable.
That is unacceptable.
And if I turn up to
a party expecting doughnuts
and they said, "There are no
doughnuts," you know what I'd say?
"Well, at least,
can I just have a hot bath?"
And you can't even offer that.
LAUGHTER
I think it's a lie.
Gaby? Must be lying.
Both say it's a lie, I'll go
with my team and say it's a lie.
Oh, you're saying it's a lie.
Jack, truth or lie?
It is...a lie.
APPLAUSE
Yes, it's a lie,
Jack didn't catch his builder
eating doughnuts in the bath.
Next.
BUZZER
It's Gaby.
If I'm ever worried
about something silly,
I write it on a sheet of loo roll,
eat it and the worry goes away.
LAUGHTER
David's team.
Right, but only if you're
worried about something silly?
Well, it's those little things, you
know those things that just bug you
and you can't get
out of your mind. No.
LAUGHTER
What sort of silly worry then?
You know when you wake up at
three o'clock in the morning
and it's those,
it's those little things,
"Did I close the cat flap?" Or,
"Did I put the rubbish out?" Or...
That's up to the cat.
"Did I...?
"Did I turn the lights off?"
All of those, the
little, silly things
so then I'd go to the bathroom,
and I write it down.
It's not quicker just to check
whether you've turned the lights off?
No because the bathroom's closer
than going all the way downstairs.
Is it an en-suite, Gaby?
Is it an en-suite? No, it's not.
Tinchy's off again,
"Is it en suite? Mine is."
LAUGHTER
"I had it put in at the same
time as the conservatory."
"And the ping pong room."
"There's a lot of money in grime,
I'll have you know."
So, you...? So, it's like
a silly domestic...
Oh, it's just silly things.
"..have I locked the back door?"
that sort of thing.
When the kids go
swimming with school,
I sometimes worry that
their swim kit isn't ready.
What happens if you
wake up in the night
and worry about all the loo
roll you've been eating?
LAUGHTER
So, what do you do
when you got bigger worries?
THEN I don't write
it on the loo roll.
Oh, what do you write it on?
What do you eat? Kitchen roll.
No, that... Kitchen roll.
APPLAUSE
So, OK, let's say you're
worried about swim...
Swim. "Swim."
You write swim on a bit of loo roll,
and is that a whole piece?
Yeah, but, just one section,
not the whole roll.
Yes, well it's a lot...
It's not a lot of loo roll,
but it's a lot to eat.
No, they're only little.
But they're not food.
LAUGHTER
But it's paper.
I mean, this is only little
but I don't fancy my chances
of getting it down me.
It's not like a sandwich.
No, but I don't want a sandwich
in the middle of the night.
But, just as delicious...
LAUGHTER
Just a piece of loo roll with
a slight flavour of ink.
What was the first worry that
led you to go round loo roll
and eat the loo roll? Yeah.
Do you know, it was
probably when I was young,
I think I was worried about doing
my exams and things like that
so I put the subject
that I was worried about
and I just chewed it up
and the worry went away.
Yeah. Did you do well in the exam?
No. OK.
LAUGHTER
We know that was the worry
but what all the rational people
here are still wondering is,
"OK, I'm worried,
"but why am I writing on
toilet paper and then eating it?"
Because, because I wanted
to go and sit in the light
and the loo, the bathroom
light is on...
Good, fine, yes.
..and I needed a wee. Right.
But what's the logic?
Because I thought... People say
that if you write things down,
it takes the worry away.
Yes, not...
They don't say, "If you write
it down and eat it." Yes.
Do you think...? I didn't
know what else to do, it does,
I didn't know how else to
get rid of the loo paper.
But you're on the toilet!
LAUGHTER
So, what do you think?
I'm on the lie side.
All right, I'm thinking it's a lie.
I think we think it's a lie.
OK, conclusively a lie.
Gaby, truth or lie?
It's actually...
a lie.
APPLAUSE
END BUZZER
And that noise signals time is up,
it's the end of the
show and I can reveal
that David's team have won
by three points to two.
APPLAUSE
But, it's not just a team game
and my individual liar of the week,
this week, is Tinchy Stryder.
APPLAUSE
And Tinchy's invited us, now,
to hang with his crew and
get on the decks, so,
thank you, Tinchy, I love a regatta.
Goodnight.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
MUSIC: You've Got The Love
by Florence + The Machine