Would I Lie to You? (2007–…): Season 7, Episode 4 - Episode #7.4 - full transcript
Good evening,
and welcome to Would I Lie To You?,
the show where fibbing is fabulous.
On David Mitchell's team tonight
a lady who's the presenter
of The Great British Bake Off.
I love the celebrity version
where they made a variety
of fruit cakes and tarts
make some biscuits.
It's Mel Giedroyc.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And a presenter who like me has been
in Nicole Scherzinger's house,
but unlike me he was invited.
From the X Factor, Dermot O'Leary.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And on Lee Mack's team tonight
a man who when he played rugby
showed a beautiful left foot
and when he danced on Strictly
showed two of them.
From A Question Of Sport,
Matt Dawson.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And the star of The Last Leg, whose
looks and personality have proved
no obstacle to his success,
it's Josh Widdicombe.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And so let's begin with Round 1,
Home Truths, where our panellists
read out a statement from the card
in front of them.
To make things harder,
they've never seen the card before
so they've no idea
what they'll be faced with
and it's up to the opposing team
to sort the fact from the fiction.
Josh Widdicombe, you're first up.
Possession.
- Ah OK, there's a box... - OK.
..which I think is at the side
of your desk, can you see it?
Yeah, I've got it.
- Would you read the card first? - Yeah.
Then, bring out the possession.
A-ha!
These are my favourite boxer shorts.
Despite the fact
they've seen better days
we have such a strong bond
I still wear them.
- Ah, right. You're my kind of guy.
- OK, now let's have a look
at this possession.
Let's see.
MEL: Oh, hello.
Hello.
Sorry you've gotta show the back
bit, that's, that's vile.
What's that? That is...
No, no, no.
And that's the back bit.
Oh, no.
Do you still wear those, Josh,
as pants or are they...?
Yeah, I don't wear them as a hat.
Josh, how many pants do you have,
how many pairs,
roughly, would you say?
10 to 12.
So these get used,
what, once a fortnight?
You've done the maths, yeah.
So there are two days
where you don't wear pants.
Is tonight one of those days?
I don't know if you wear boxers,
I think you might be a, um...
- A briefs guy.
- Briefs, is that what they're called?
- Oh, that is... - Hammocks. - That is, no.
- You're young, you're quite trendy,
the hair's forwards which to me
says you're quite you know trendy.
Isn't that...
Don't listen to her, Matt.
Josh, if I was your girlfriend
I would want to dust with those,
I wouldn't want to see them on you.
Can I ask you something,
how long have you had them for?
I would have probably got them
when I was about 18,
so that was 12 years.
- Explain the bond you have with these
pants. - It's nothing personal. - What
have you been through with them?
They haven't got any specific memory
but I just don't like wastage,
really,
and they're still perfectly usable.
No, they're not.
The frightening thing is
- if they're not Josh's pants... - Yeah.
..whose pants are they?
Well, Josh,
would you help us out here
by perhaps just slipping into them
so we could get an idea of the fit?
Yeah.
Get 'em on, get 'em on, get 'em on!
Get 'em on.
AUDIENCE CLAP AND CHANT
This is what women chant at me
in bed.
- Josh, maybe round here
somewhere would be nice. - Here?
- That's going to be a good spot.
- Yeah, I mean, obviously
I'll take my shoes off.
You see, look, he doesn't seem
au fait with the mapping of them.
It's not that
you get familiar with pants
and it becomes a second nature.
He's not at ease with those pants.
This is genuinely one of the lowest
moments of my life, by the way.
Just so you know.
If I had a penny for every time
someone said that on this show.
So, oh my God.
I suppose all you can do now is pray
that it's edited sympathetically.
Which in all honestly is unlikely.
Josh, my love, that waistband is
a good two inches too big for you.
- Well, if you feel the elastic, Mel...
- Come on.
Mel, you don't have to touch
anything you don't want to.
If you feel the elastic,
then it's kind of gone a bit.
I'm going to do something
slightly sinister.
I've been dreaming of this
since Late Lunch,
I'm not going to lie to you.
Look, come closer, love,
come closer.
Yep, there's a whole finger.
All right, just take your shoes
and please go back to your seat.
I feel like I've been thrown out
of a pub, take your shoes and go.
David, it's time
to gather your thoughts
and ask yourself whether or not
Josh is telling the truth.
I think, Mel...
Yes, my love.
Is... You're strongly of the opinion
that those are not Josh's pants.
He did not seem at ease
when he was touching...
He was intimidated by the pants.
- He was intimidated. - Yeah. - He was.
I agree with you
that there's a stylistic clash
between Josh and those pants.
I'm not buying it,
there's no anecdote,
there's no, ah, I kept these
when so and so broke up with me.
If he's going to keep a pair
of pants that long
you've gotta be through
some good times
and by the looks of it
some bad times.
So what are you thinking then?
Well, I think we think it's a lie.
- All of you all agreed. OK. - Yeah.
Josh Widdicombe, the pants.
Can I just say, either way,
I'll give them to Mel so
she can dust with them from now on.
- Thank you, thanks darling.
- That's lovely, that's heart warming.
Is it the truth
or were you telling a lie?
I am ashamed to say
it's the truth.
APPLAUSE
CHEERING
Yes, it's true,
they were indeed
Josh's favourite boxer shorts
which he still wears.
Mel, you're next.
I once had a snog
with one of the people here
on Would I Lie To You? tonight.
Ohhh!
One of us...six? Yeah, six.
Hang on a minute, I'm here as well.
- Yeah, six. - It could have been me.
- She didn't snog herself, did she?
That's true. That's true.
Oh God, oh my word!
I think my poor grasp of mathematics
has never been more cruelly exposed.
So one of us six people, you...
Why am I saying one of the six?
I know it wasn't me!
One of them five, was it you?
It's true.
Oh, no, no, no, I'm Spartacus.
You see I, I genuinely think...
It's going to be a bit awkward
if all six of us have snogged her.
But she can only remember one.
If it's true
will the person remember,
or was it like a drunken thing or?
I don't know if they will remember.
- This is getting awkward, if this is
true this could be very awkward.
- I don't know.
So how many years ago?
I think it was in 98,
so, 15 years ago.
Just a snog?
- Yeah. - Oh, it's going to be David
at university, isn't it?
Why, did they go
to university together?
They're both, Cambridge, aren't they?
- We did. - Yes.
And were you in the same...
But, but...
LAUGHTER
- No, but... - The plot thickens.
David (is quite a lot...
quite a lot younger than me).
- So that might... - But were you still
hanging around the university?
Trying to prey on freshers
in Freshers' Week.
What you haven't said yet, Mel,
is you haven't really painted
a lovely picture for us
of the circumstances,
where you were,
just talk us through that.
It was a works do.
Uh, not me,
I've never worked in my life.
It was a works do and everyone
had been working very, very hard,
it was a long series,
and it was the end of term party.
- Stop looking at me, Mel.
- End of series party. - You're scaring
the bloomin' daylights out of me.
- What was the series? - The series.
- It was the England rugby team 2003.
Was it a test series?
- Oh, it was a show back in
the late 90s. - Was it Late Lunch?
It was called
Late Lunch/Light Lunch.
So was the person you kissed
a guest on the show
or were they a regular on it or...?
No, we were colleagues.
This is a totally new
type of round for this game.
You stop trying to work out whether
it's true or not, just who it is.
Who was it?
Who was it that you kissed?
ROB CLEARS HIS THROAT
Was it Rob?
Please tell me when you kissed him
he didn't do that.
Who was it that you kissed?
Dermot, it was Dermot.
- Dermot? - It was Dermot.
Wow!
This is a weird one now because
if it's not true
poor Dermot now has got to answer
all these questions.
I don't think you're allowed
to question other panellists.
No, no, we're in new territory,
this has never happened before.
Rob?
My proclamation is thus.
You can quiz O'Leary, however...
he doesn't have to answer
unless he so chooses.
Whoa!
To be fair,
that's true with everyone.
We cannot be legally required
to speak.
If you want to make people talk
when they don't want to
you have to waterboard them.
I'm happy to waterboard him
if you want to.
Mel, what was Dermot
doing in this show?
Dermot was the guy responsible
for getting the audience in.
Has Dermot said if he remembers this?
Do you remember this?
That would scupper my team's chance,
I can't answer that.
Yeah, that's handy, you mean no.
- So you were working on.
- I was working the Light Lunch.
- What was your position?
I was a sort of
audience researcher so...
Well that's handy,
just what she's just said yeah.
In 1998 were you in a relationship
or is it OK to push you on this?
I'm not sure.
You said at the time, Dermot,
that you weren't in a relationship.
Ah well, he can't have been then.
So what are you going to say then,
Lee? What are you thinking?
Ah, it's an interesting one this,
isn't it?
I think... It feels like...
- Plausible. - Do you think?
- I think it's plausible.
- It is plausible.
It's definitely plausible.
I just think O'Leary's
been too kind of reticent
on the details and the facts.
But it could be awkward
cos he doesn't remember,
or he remembers very well and
he's trying to play for his team.
- A gentleman doesn't tell.
- I think it's a lie. You
think it's a lie. Based on O'Leary.
Matt, what are,
what are you thinking on this?
I'm not, I'm not sure,
I don't think the dates fit. Lie.
We'll go with lie then.
You're saying it's a lie.
- I think it might be true but I'll
go with my team and say lie. - OK.
Mel, it was
a wonderful wonderful tale,
was it true
or were you telling a lie?
Rob, gents, Dermot,
I was telling...
- the truth. - Ohhh!
Dermot,
everything that Mel said was true.
100% bona fide.
Yes, it's true, Mel did have
a snog with Dermot O'Leary.
Our next round is called This Is My,
where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection
to one of our panellists.
Now this week each of David's team
will claim it's them
that has the genuine connection
to the guest
and it's up to Lee's team
to spot who's telling the truth,
so please welcome
this week's special guest, Shaylene.
APPLAUSE
So, we will begin with Dermot.
Dermot, what is Shaylene to you?
This is Shaylene
and I asked Shaylene out 156 times.
Mel, how do you know Shaylene?
This is Shaylene. When we were kids
I cut her hair
to plump up the stuffing
in my teddy bear.
There we are,
finally David Mitchell.
I want that to be true,
I want that... Yeah, that's amazing.
How do you know Shaylene, David?
This is Shaylene.
She is the swimming pool lifeguard
who talked me into letting go
of the diving board I was clinging to
after I panicked mid boing.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
So, there we have it,
is it Dermot's romance rejecter,
Mel's teddy stuffing supplier,
or David's diving board saviour?
Lee, where do you want to start?
Wow where we start that one?
Dermot...
When was this?
I'd have been probably 14 and
Shaylene was a year younger than me.
- How did you do it,
was it all face to face? - Yep.
As, as opposed to what?
- We, we went to um... - Or text?
He was 14.
Oh sorry, yeah of, course.
Do you know, before,
it was all different.
In the old days what we used to do
is just press our faces against
the bathroom window and shout.
Dermot, just to be clear,
how many times did you ask her out?
156.
In, like, how many sittings?
Probably over the course
of about 18 months.
18 months.
- Why did you count them? - Yeah.
Because...
It takes 156 times for him
to know she's not interested.
After a while it became,
I suppose, it became like almost
like a right of passage.
Shaylene lived in a different
village to the village I grew up in.
Which village was this?
I grew up in a village called Marks
Tey and Shaylene lived in Great Tey.
And where was this. Mordor?
And Shaylene went
to same youth club as me.
Youth club. It's getting more rock
and roll this story.
Shaylene was the only girl
in the village who had black hair...
and er...
Have you looked to your left?
At least Mel is realistic.
She had black, jet black hair
all in, kind of, a lovely
sort of 80s Madonna style quiff.
- The first time she said no,
how long did you leave it till
the second time? - The next week.
- So it's every week you were doing
it? - Yeah. - Every week, 156 weeks,
18 months, that adds up.
- Sometimes twice a week. - Rob's
thinking it does, but it doesn't.
Sometimes twice a week,
sometimes twice in the same night,
oh, go on, go out with me.
So when it got to a hundred
did you not think,
probably not going to happen?
Thought I'm still in, keep batting.
Lee,
who else would you like to quiz?
Who shall we go with next? Mel.
OK. How old were you?
When the hair cutting happened?
- Yes, obviously I don't mean...
- Oh, sorry. - ..how old were you,
er, on your 12th birthday?
So, Shaylene's older sister
Charlotte is a good friend of mine.
Shaylene and Charlotte.
Yes, Shaylene and Charlotte.
Who was her dad,
Sh, Sh, Sean Connery?
Shaylene and Charlotte came over
to ours to do a sleepover.
We had a bunk bed, and I wanted her
to sleep on the top bunk.
This is the bit, you see.
Because we had a game in our house
whereby if you slept
on the top bunk
you had to drape your hair
over the side of the bunk.
Like Rapunzel.
Tell you what, Dermot, I'm glad you
didn't go back to hers now.
He'd have said,
no, my hair's too short.
She went,
don't worry, use something else.
Go on.
I had a secret plan with Shaylene.
I wanted her to fall asleep
on the top bunk
so that I could cut
her beautiful hair.
I didn't cut that much.
Right, how much did you cut?
- About two inches.
- That's a lot of hair.
- So having cut this hair off...
- Yes? - ..what did you do with it?
So I had this lovely
beloved teddy bear Patch.
And, er, had a bit of a hole in it.
What?
I remember exactly where.
- Where? - Shoulder down to mid arm.
How did the hole start,
did you make the hole?
Just love, just love.
Is that what you call love?
Ripping off a man's arm.
Dermot.
Lee, what about David?
David. Remind us again
of this utter truth.
Um, Shaylene
is the swimming pool lifeguard
who talked me down when I was
clasping on to a diving board in.
Were you actually hanging off it?
Yeah, I had my arms round it
like that and it was at head height.
But how did you get
to that position?
I was considering
jumping off the diving board
and I remained indecisive
too long in the process.
Right. At the last minute
you went but panicked and stopped.
Exactly. And of course...
And I sort of... Cos you weren't...
..slid off it and grabbed it
and was left there dangling.
And had you gone to the pool
specifically to dive
or had you gone with a bunch of
mates and you were larking around,
bombing, heavy petting,
all the things that we're not
supposed to do but if I know you,
the rebel that you are,
you would have been doing them.
It was one of my regular
late night music parties
in the municipal baths.
How old were you?
It was recently, it was...
How recently?
It was just about an hour ago.
No, it was, it was last autumn.
I'd have thought if David Mitchell
had been hanging off a diving board,
someone would have taken a photo
and tweeted that, wouldn't they?
I don't think you're allowed to have
mobile phones in swimming pools.
Come the advent of the aqua phone
my water sports days are over.
Have you ever dived in off a diving
board head first at that point?
No, and I certainly wasn't
planning on doing this head first.
Oh you were going to go feet first.
Absolutely.
And so you'd jumped you...
I was thinking of this programme
and I thought, well I can lose
up to about there, it'll be fine.
You know, they could prop
the remnant on a bar stool
and I can still do the job.
So I thought I'll go in with
the non-panel show end first.
As you've leapt off,
at that point you think,
I'm going in, change your mind,
spin in the air, grab the board
and land and just do that,
because I think that's a 10.
I'm giving a 10 for that.
It was, the moment
of indecision changed...
That made you stumble. Changed how
I... I mean I, I can't entirely...
Did you... It's bizarre
considering it happened to me,
I can't entirely visualise it.
So, er, what are you thinking Lee?
I want to know exactly
how Shaylene talked down David.
She said, "Are you all right?"
Which you know wasn't the best
question in the world but er...
She's clearly trained. Yes.
What did you say?
I think I said something like,
"Oh, yes, sorry, I slipped."
Sorry I slipped?!
One minute you're panicking
and then,
"Oh, sorry, I slipped, forgive me."
Even in near death situations
you're middle class.
"Sorry, I appear to have slipped,
my dear."
I didn't say...
"Could you fetch my cravat?
It appears to have wafted away.!
I didn't say sorry I slipped
in a suave tone of voice, Lee,
but I did say sorry,
because it's very
deeply ingrained in me
to apologise at almost any occasion.
How did you say it then,
if you didn't say it in a suave way?
"Sorry, I slipped! Sorry I slipped!"
Like that.
You were quite panicked.
I was quite panicked.
What happened then,
what did she say?
She said, "It's all right,
stay calm," "Too late!" I screamed.
Where is she? Is she on the floor
or is she on up top?
She has got on the diving board.
What, she's up there with you?
She's giving it a little wobble.
She's not got to the boingy end,
she's just...
"Do you mind if I have a little skip
whilst we're doing this?"
It was only after
a few minutes had passed
that she threatened to boing me off.
Wow! I'll tell you what,
these municipal swimming pools.
Do you know what, I would say
that constitutes heavy petting.
So you were hanging on
for a few minutes?
No not really, for a few...
I think for about 4 or 5 minutes.
4 or 5?
Oh, the eagle-eyed lifeguard(!)
She just...
"Oh, I wish I could use me whistle."
How did she make you go from,
I don't want to let go,
to letting go,
what kind of words did she use?
"It's OK just drop in, you know,
I promise you won't hit the bottom."
Just drop in? I'm around
three o'clock till six on Thursday.
Do you have Earl Grey ice cream?
Feel free to drop in
any time you like.
Go on, yes.
So you were hanging on but what did
she say to make you let go?
Um, I think "It's fine,
you won't hurt yourself",
she said, "This happens a lot."
"If you'd come in here half an hour
earlier there'd be three of you...
"Only just cleared the last backlog."
OK, so Lee, we need an answer.
Is Shaylene
Dermot's romance rejecter,
Mel's teddy stuffing supplier,
or David's diving board saviour?
What do you think?
David...has no...
to hang onto something
for four or five minutes.
- That's a long... - That is.
- That's a long time to hang on.
- Long time.
- You couldn't hang on that long.
Dermot said she had black hair.
156.
That's a lot, isn't it?
It's a lot
and it's a very specific number.
- It's too precise. - I think Mel.
It's got to be Mel. You think Mel?
- Mel had emotion and feeling.
- Mel. - I would go Mel.
- I'll go with the team and say Mel.
You're all in agreement. OK.
Shaylene,
please reveal your true identity.
Hi, I'm Shaylene
and Dermot asked me out 156 times.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you, Shaylene,
thank you very much.
Which brings us to our final round,
Quick Fire Lies,
in which our panellists lie
not only through their teeth
but against the clock.
We start with...
BUZZER
It's Lee.
At school I was given
the nickname The Charmer
because I was the only one who could
console the school snake
whenever it got agitated.
LAUGHTER
David and team.
So,
what type of snake
was the school snake?
Er... it was, er do you know what?
I genuinely can't remember
what type of snake it was it was.
- I could describe it. Go on. - Go on.
Er, legless?
Er, it was, yes, it was,
it was about so big.
- What was it called? - Er...
it was called,
I think it was called Sammy.
You remember its name
but not its species.
Well I'm like that with women.
Grass snake rings a bell. I think.
Why did your school go for a snake,
as opposed to a mouse
or some such...
Oh, it had a mouse as well
but it was in there with the snake.
What was in the tank
other than the snake.
Well, it was open plan,
there was an area in the corner
where he used to sleep,
we used to call it the bedding area.
What was there?
What was there? Never mind
what he used to do there.
Just like an ordinary bed but
just a lot longer. A bed was there.
A lot longer and a lot thinner.
Very long and thin,
extremely hard to tuck in at night.
By the time you'd done one side
and gone round the other side,
this side had come up again.
You'd be there forever.
It was awful. Very long thin.
Very long thin bed. Mattress.
Very long thin mattress.
This wasn't one of those snakes
that likes to sleep curled up.
No, no, no.
It likes to stretch out on it.
Right out like that.
Why did the snake need charming?
Was it a particularly
aggressive snake or..?
It was, it used to do
this little thing
where it used to raise its head up
and sort of shake its head like
that, left to right.
And I said to the teacher, "What's
that? What's he doing that for?"
Oh, so you were taught
in the same room as the snake?
We went to different lessons but
in one of the classrooms there was.
This was during snake studies or...
Well that's what
the PE teacher called it.
So I said, as well
as the other kids, we'd say,
"What does it do that for?
and the teacher said,
"That is a sign that the snake
is getting agitated".
And I said, "I bet I can stop that"
and I lifted off the thing
and I just went like that,
and I stroked the back of its head
as a joke and it stopped.
- So you can't demonstrate it
on a snake, but you... - No, I can't.
But Matt is there,
I mean, what if Matt...
What if Matt were to be
a little agitated,
I wonder if employing the
same methods you could calm Matt?
- Well... - Matt could you be
a little agitated?
Matt, if you could be a snake
now if you put your head down here,
- yeah, put, put your head further
down. - I'll put it...
- Put your head here, cos the head
starts off down right. - Right.
- Now get into character.
From a certain angle
this looks really dodgy.
It looks like
I'm just about to go bowling.
So you're looking down, right,
and you're the snake,
and now suddenly you're a snake,
you're agitated.
That is an agitated snake.
You're all worried, aren't you?
Don't worry, I'll sort this out.
Now I'm going to use my hand,
cos in proportion to the head
that's a finger, yeah.
Then I stroke the back of the head
like this,
and watch him, watch the snake calm.
Go down.
Down.
APPLAUSE
So what do you think then, David?
Lee claims that his teacher
called him The Charmer,
and that's the nickname
that stayed with him.
I'd have got murdered at my school
if my teacher would have said, "You,
you're the charmer" that's it.
There's so much of that
that I've got a problem with,
that thing,
the fact it was a grass snake.
Time for a decision, right now.
I think we think it's a lie.
- You think it's a lie. - Lie.
Lee, The Snake Charmer,
were you telling the truth?
Mel's not sure now.
Well actually, ha, ha, ha,
it was
a lie.
APPLAUSE
Yes, it was a lie. Lee wasn't
nicknamed The Charmer at school
because he was the only one
who could calm the school snake.
BUZZER
And that noise signals time is up,
it's the end of the show.
I can reveal that David's team
has triumphed
by three points to one.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
But of course,
it's not just a team game
and my individual
liar of the week this week,
is Mel Giedroyc.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Yes, yes,
Mel Giedroyc, like Mary Berry,
in the Great British Bake Off.
I'm trying to smile but I've got
a very bitter taste in my mouth.
Good night.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
and welcome to Would I Lie To You?,
the show where fibbing is fabulous.
On David Mitchell's team tonight
a lady who's the presenter
of The Great British Bake Off.
I love the celebrity version
where they made a variety
of fruit cakes and tarts
make some biscuits.
It's Mel Giedroyc.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And a presenter who like me has been
in Nicole Scherzinger's house,
but unlike me he was invited.
From the X Factor, Dermot O'Leary.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And on Lee Mack's team tonight
a man who when he played rugby
showed a beautiful left foot
and when he danced on Strictly
showed two of them.
From A Question Of Sport,
Matt Dawson.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And the star of The Last Leg, whose
looks and personality have proved
no obstacle to his success,
it's Josh Widdicombe.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And so let's begin with Round 1,
Home Truths, where our panellists
read out a statement from the card
in front of them.
To make things harder,
they've never seen the card before
so they've no idea
what they'll be faced with
and it's up to the opposing team
to sort the fact from the fiction.
Josh Widdicombe, you're first up.
Possession.
- Ah OK, there's a box... - OK.
..which I think is at the side
of your desk, can you see it?
Yeah, I've got it.
- Would you read the card first? - Yeah.
Then, bring out the possession.
A-ha!
These are my favourite boxer shorts.
Despite the fact
they've seen better days
we have such a strong bond
I still wear them.
- Ah, right. You're my kind of guy.
- OK, now let's have a look
at this possession.
Let's see.
MEL: Oh, hello.
Hello.
Sorry you've gotta show the back
bit, that's, that's vile.
What's that? That is...
No, no, no.
And that's the back bit.
Oh, no.
Do you still wear those, Josh,
as pants or are they...?
Yeah, I don't wear them as a hat.
Josh, how many pants do you have,
how many pairs,
roughly, would you say?
10 to 12.
So these get used,
what, once a fortnight?
You've done the maths, yeah.
So there are two days
where you don't wear pants.
Is tonight one of those days?
I don't know if you wear boxers,
I think you might be a, um...
- A briefs guy.
- Briefs, is that what they're called?
- Oh, that is... - Hammocks. - That is, no.
- You're young, you're quite trendy,
the hair's forwards which to me
says you're quite you know trendy.
Isn't that...
Don't listen to her, Matt.
Josh, if I was your girlfriend
I would want to dust with those,
I wouldn't want to see them on you.
Can I ask you something,
how long have you had them for?
I would have probably got them
when I was about 18,
so that was 12 years.
- Explain the bond you have with these
pants. - It's nothing personal. - What
have you been through with them?
They haven't got any specific memory
but I just don't like wastage,
really,
and they're still perfectly usable.
No, they're not.
The frightening thing is
- if they're not Josh's pants... - Yeah.
..whose pants are they?
Well, Josh,
would you help us out here
by perhaps just slipping into them
so we could get an idea of the fit?
Yeah.
Get 'em on, get 'em on, get 'em on!
Get 'em on.
AUDIENCE CLAP AND CHANT
This is what women chant at me
in bed.
- Josh, maybe round here
somewhere would be nice. - Here?
- That's going to be a good spot.
- Yeah, I mean, obviously
I'll take my shoes off.
You see, look, he doesn't seem
au fait with the mapping of them.
It's not that
you get familiar with pants
and it becomes a second nature.
He's not at ease with those pants.
This is genuinely one of the lowest
moments of my life, by the way.
Just so you know.
If I had a penny for every time
someone said that on this show.
So, oh my God.
I suppose all you can do now is pray
that it's edited sympathetically.
Which in all honestly is unlikely.
Josh, my love, that waistband is
a good two inches too big for you.
- Well, if you feel the elastic, Mel...
- Come on.
Mel, you don't have to touch
anything you don't want to.
If you feel the elastic,
then it's kind of gone a bit.
I'm going to do something
slightly sinister.
I've been dreaming of this
since Late Lunch,
I'm not going to lie to you.
Look, come closer, love,
come closer.
Yep, there's a whole finger.
All right, just take your shoes
and please go back to your seat.
I feel like I've been thrown out
of a pub, take your shoes and go.
David, it's time
to gather your thoughts
and ask yourself whether or not
Josh is telling the truth.
I think, Mel...
Yes, my love.
Is... You're strongly of the opinion
that those are not Josh's pants.
He did not seem at ease
when he was touching...
He was intimidated by the pants.
- He was intimidated. - Yeah. - He was.
I agree with you
that there's a stylistic clash
between Josh and those pants.
I'm not buying it,
there's no anecdote,
there's no, ah, I kept these
when so and so broke up with me.
If he's going to keep a pair
of pants that long
you've gotta be through
some good times
and by the looks of it
some bad times.
So what are you thinking then?
Well, I think we think it's a lie.
- All of you all agreed. OK. - Yeah.
Josh Widdicombe, the pants.
Can I just say, either way,
I'll give them to Mel so
she can dust with them from now on.
- Thank you, thanks darling.
- That's lovely, that's heart warming.
Is it the truth
or were you telling a lie?
I am ashamed to say
it's the truth.
APPLAUSE
CHEERING
Yes, it's true,
they were indeed
Josh's favourite boxer shorts
which he still wears.
Mel, you're next.
I once had a snog
with one of the people here
on Would I Lie To You? tonight.
Ohhh!
One of us...six? Yeah, six.
Hang on a minute, I'm here as well.
- Yeah, six. - It could have been me.
- She didn't snog herself, did she?
That's true. That's true.
Oh God, oh my word!
I think my poor grasp of mathematics
has never been more cruelly exposed.
So one of us six people, you...
Why am I saying one of the six?
I know it wasn't me!
One of them five, was it you?
It's true.
Oh, no, no, no, I'm Spartacus.
You see I, I genuinely think...
It's going to be a bit awkward
if all six of us have snogged her.
But she can only remember one.
If it's true
will the person remember,
or was it like a drunken thing or?
I don't know if they will remember.
- This is getting awkward, if this is
true this could be very awkward.
- I don't know.
So how many years ago?
I think it was in 98,
so, 15 years ago.
Just a snog?
- Yeah. - Oh, it's going to be David
at university, isn't it?
Why, did they go
to university together?
They're both, Cambridge, aren't they?
- We did. - Yes.
And were you in the same...
But, but...
LAUGHTER
- No, but... - The plot thickens.
David (is quite a lot...
quite a lot younger than me).
- So that might... - But were you still
hanging around the university?
Trying to prey on freshers
in Freshers' Week.
What you haven't said yet, Mel,
is you haven't really painted
a lovely picture for us
of the circumstances,
where you were,
just talk us through that.
It was a works do.
Uh, not me,
I've never worked in my life.
It was a works do and everyone
had been working very, very hard,
it was a long series,
and it was the end of term party.
- Stop looking at me, Mel.
- End of series party. - You're scaring
the bloomin' daylights out of me.
- What was the series? - The series.
- It was the England rugby team 2003.
Was it a test series?
- Oh, it was a show back in
the late 90s. - Was it Late Lunch?
It was called
Late Lunch/Light Lunch.
So was the person you kissed
a guest on the show
or were they a regular on it or...?
No, we were colleagues.
This is a totally new
type of round for this game.
You stop trying to work out whether
it's true or not, just who it is.
Who was it?
Who was it that you kissed?
ROB CLEARS HIS THROAT
Was it Rob?
Please tell me when you kissed him
he didn't do that.
Who was it that you kissed?
Dermot, it was Dermot.
- Dermot? - It was Dermot.
Wow!
This is a weird one now because
if it's not true
poor Dermot now has got to answer
all these questions.
I don't think you're allowed
to question other panellists.
No, no, we're in new territory,
this has never happened before.
Rob?
My proclamation is thus.
You can quiz O'Leary, however...
he doesn't have to answer
unless he so chooses.
Whoa!
To be fair,
that's true with everyone.
We cannot be legally required
to speak.
If you want to make people talk
when they don't want to
you have to waterboard them.
I'm happy to waterboard him
if you want to.
Mel, what was Dermot
doing in this show?
Dermot was the guy responsible
for getting the audience in.
Has Dermot said if he remembers this?
Do you remember this?
That would scupper my team's chance,
I can't answer that.
Yeah, that's handy, you mean no.
- So you were working on.
- I was working the Light Lunch.
- What was your position?
I was a sort of
audience researcher so...
Well that's handy,
just what she's just said yeah.
In 1998 were you in a relationship
or is it OK to push you on this?
I'm not sure.
You said at the time, Dermot,
that you weren't in a relationship.
Ah well, he can't have been then.
So what are you going to say then,
Lee? What are you thinking?
Ah, it's an interesting one this,
isn't it?
I think... It feels like...
- Plausible. - Do you think?
- I think it's plausible.
- It is plausible.
It's definitely plausible.
I just think O'Leary's
been too kind of reticent
on the details and the facts.
But it could be awkward
cos he doesn't remember,
or he remembers very well and
he's trying to play for his team.
- A gentleman doesn't tell.
- I think it's a lie. You
think it's a lie. Based on O'Leary.
Matt, what are,
what are you thinking on this?
I'm not, I'm not sure,
I don't think the dates fit. Lie.
We'll go with lie then.
You're saying it's a lie.
- I think it might be true but I'll
go with my team and say lie. - OK.
Mel, it was
a wonderful wonderful tale,
was it true
or were you telling a lie?
Rob, gents, Dermot,
I was telling...
- the truth. - Ohhh!
Dermot,
everything that Mel said was true.
100% bona fide.
Yes, it's true, Mel did have
a snog with Dermot O'Leary.
Our next round is called This Is My,
where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection
to one of our panellists.
Now this week each of David's team
will claim it's them
that has the genuine connection
to the guest
and it's up to Lee's team
to spot who's telling the truth,
so please welcome
this week's special guest, Shaylene.
APPLAUSE
So, we will begin with Dermot.
Dermot, what is Shaylene to you?
This is Shaylene
and I asked Shaylene out 156 times.
Mel, how do you know Shaylene?
This is Shaylene. When we were kids
I cut her hair
to plump up the stuffing
in my teddy bear.
There we are,
finally David Mitchell.
I want that to be true,
I want that... Yeah, that's amazing.
How do you know Shaylene, David?
This is Shaylene.
She is the swimming pool lifeguard
who talked me into letting go
of the diving board I was clinging to
after I panicked mid boing.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
So, there we have it,
is it Dermot's romance rejecter,
Mel's teddy stuffing supplier,
or David's diving board saviour?
Lee, where do you want to start?
Wow where we start that one?
Dermot...
When was this?
I'd have been probably 14 and
Shaylene was a year younger than me.
- How did you do it,
was it all face to face? - Yep.
As, as opposed to what?
- We, we went to um... - Or text?
He was 14.
Oh sorry, yeah of, course.
Do you know, before,
it was all different.
In the old days what we used to do
is just press our faces against
the bathroom window and shout.
Dermot, just to be clear,
how many times did you ask her out?
156.
In, like, how many sittings?
Probably over the course
of about 18 months.
18 months.
- Why did you count them? - Yeah.
Because...
It takes 156 times for him
to know she's not interested.
After a while it became,
I suppose, it became like almost
like a right of passage.
Shaylene lived in a different
village to the village I grew up in.
Which village was this?
I grew up in a village called Marks
Tey and Shaylene lived in Great Tey.
And where was this. Mordor?
And Shaylene went
to same youth club as me.
Youth club. It's getting more rock
and roll this story.
Shaylene was the only girl
in the village who had black hair...
and er...
Have you looked to your left?
At least Mel is realistic.
She had black, jet black hair
all in, kind of, a lovely
sort of 80s Madonna style quiff.
- The first time she said no,
how long did you leave it till
the second time? - The next week.
- So it's every week you were doing
it? - Yeah. - Every week, 156 weeks,
18 months, that adds up.
- Sometimes twice a week. - Rob's
thinking it does, but it doesn't.
Sometimes twice a week,
sometimes twice in the same night,
oh, go on, go out with me.
So when it got to a hundred
did you not think,
probably not going to happen?
Thought I'm still in, keep batting.
Lee,
who else would you like to quiz?
Who shall we go with next? Mel.
OK. How old were you?
When the hair cutting happened?
- Yes, obviously I don't mean...
- Oh, sorry. - ..how old were you,
er, on your 12th birthday?
So, Shaylene's older sister
Charlotte is a good friend of mine.
Shaylene and Charlotte.
Yes, Shaylene and Charlotte.
Who was her dad,
Sh, Sh, Sean Connery?
Shaylene and Charlotte came over
to ours to do a sleepover.
We had a bunk bed, and I wanted her
to sleep on the top bunk.
This is the bit, you see.
Because we had a game in our house
whereby if you slept
on the top bunk
you had to drape your hair
over the side of the bunk.
Like Rapunzel.
Tell you what, Dermot, I'm glad you
didn't go back to hers now.
He'd have said,
no, my hair's too short.
She went,
don't worry, use something else.
Go on.
I had a secret plan with Shaylene.
I wanted her to fall asleep
on the top bunk
so that I could cut
her beautiful hair.
I didn't cut that much.
Right, how much did you cut?
- About two inches.
- That's a lot of hair.
- So having cut this hair off...
- Yes? - ..what did you do with it?
So I had this lovely
beloved teddy bear Patch.
And, er, had a bit of a hole in it.
What?
I remember exactly where.
- Where? - Shoulder down to mid arm.
How did the hole start,
did you make the hole?
Just love, just love.
Is that what you call love?
Ripping off a man's arm.
Dermot.
Lee, what about David?
David. Remind us again
of this utter truth.
Um, Shaylene
is the swimming pool lifeguard
who talked me down when I was
clasping on to a diving board in.
Were you actually hanging off it?
Yeah, I had my arms round it
like that and it was at head height.
But how did you get
to that position?
I was considering
jumping off the diving board
and I remained indecisive
too long in the process.
Right. At the last minute
you went but panicked and stopped.
Exactly. And of course...
And I sort of... Cos you weren't...
..slid off it and grabbed it
and was left there dangling.
And had you gone to the pool
specifically to dive
or had you gone with a bunch of
mates and you were larking around,
bombing, heavy petting,
all the things that we're not
supposed to do but if I know you,
the rebel that you are,
you would have been doing them.
It was one of my regular
late night music parties
in the municipal baths.
How old were you?
It was recently, it was...
How recently?
It was just about an hour ago.
No, it was, it was last autumn.
I'd have thought if David Mitchell
had been hanging off a diving board,
someone would have taken a photo
and tweeted that, wouldn't they?
I don't think you're allowed to have
mobile phones in swimming pools.
Come the advent of the aqua phone
my water sports days are over.
Have you ever dived in off a diving
board head first at that point?
No, and I certainly wasn't
planning on doing this head first.
Oh you were going to go feet first.
Absolutely.
And so you'd jumped you...
I was thinking of this programme
and I thought, well I can lose
up to about there, it'll be fine.
You know, they could prop
the remnant on a bar stool
and I can still do the job.
So I thought I'll go in with
the non-panel show end first.
As you've leapt off,
at that point you think,
I'm going in, change your mind,
spin in the air, grab the board
and land and just do that,
because I think that's a 10.
I'm giving a 10 for that.
It was, the moment
of indecision changed...
That made you stumble. Changed how
I... I mean I, I can't entirely...
Did you... It's bizarre
considering it happened to me,
I can't entirely visualise it.
So, er, what are you thinking Lee?
I want to know exactly
how Shaylene talked down David.
She said, "Are you all right?"
Which you know wasn't the best
question in the world but er...
She's clearly trained. Yes.
What did you say?
I think I said something like,
"Oh, yes, sorry, I slipped."
Sorry I slipped?!
One minute you're panicking
and then,
"Oh, sorry, I slipped, forgive me."
Even in near death situations
you're middle class.
"Sorry, I appear to have slipped,
my dear."
I didn't say...
"Could you fetch my cravat?
It appears to have wafted away.!
I didn't say sorry I slipped
in a suave tone of voice, Lee,
but I did say sorry,
because it's very
deeply ingrained in me
to apologise at almost any occasion.
How did you say it then,
if you didn't say it in a suave way?
"Sorry, I slipped! Sorry I slipped!"
Like that.
You were quite panicked.
I was quite panicked.
What happened then,
what did she say?
She said, "It's all right,
stay calm," "Too late!" I screamed.
Where is she? Is she on the floor
or is she on up top?
She has got on the diving board.
What, she's up there with you?
She's giving it a little wobble.
She's not got to the boingy end,
she's just...
"Do you mind if I have a little skip
whilst we're doing this?"
It was only after
a few minutes had passed
that she threatened to boing me off.
Wow! I'll tell you what,
these municipal swimming pools.
Do you know what, I would say
that constitutes heavy petting.
So you were hanging on
for a few minutes?
No not really, for a few...
I think for about 4 or 5 minutes.
4 or 5?
Oh, the eagle-eyed lifeguard(!)
She just...
"Oh, I wish I could use me whistle."
How did she make you go from,
I don't want to let go,
to letting go,
what kind of words did she use?
"It's OK just drop in, you know,
I promise you won't hit the bottom."
Just drop in? I'm around
three o'clock till six on Thursday.
Do you have Earl Grey ice cream?
Feel free to drop in
any time you like.
Go on, yes.
So you were hanging on but what did
she say to make you let go?
Um, I think "It's fine,
you won't hurt yourself",
she said, "This happens a lot."
"If you'd come in here half an hour
earlier there'd be three of you...
"Only just cleared the last backlog."
OK, so Lee, we need an answer.
Is Shaylene
Dermot's romance rejecter,
Mel's teddy stuffing supplier,
or David's diving board saviour?
What do you think?
David...has no...
to hang onto something
for four or five minutes.
- That's a long... - That is.
- That's a long time to hang on.
- Long time.
- You couldn't hang on that long.
Dermot said she had black hair.
156.
That's a lot, isn't it?
It's a lot
and it's a very specific number.
- It's too precise. - I think Mel.
It's got to be Mel. You think Mel?
- Mel had emotion and feeling.
- Mel. - I would go Mel.
- I'll go with the team and say Mel.
You're all in agreement. OK.
Shaylene,
please reveal your true identity.
Hi, I'm Shaylene
and Dermot asked me out 156 times.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you, Shaylene,
thank you very much.
Which brings us to our final round,
Quick Fire Lies,
in which our panellists lie
not only through their teeth
but against the clock.
We start with...
BUZZER
It's Lee.
At school I was given
the nickname The Charmer
because I was the only one who could
console the school snake
whenever it got agitated.
LAUGHTER
David and team.
So,
what type of snake
was the school snake?
Er... it was, er do you know what?
I genuinely can't remember
what type of snake it was it was.
- I could describe it. Go on. - Go on.
Er, legless?
Er, it was, yes, it was,
it was about so big.
- What was it called? - Er...
it was called,
I think it was called Sammy.
You remember its name
but not its species.
Well I'm like that with women.
Grass snake rings a bell. I think.
Why did your school go for a snake,
as opposed to a mouse
or some such...
Oh, it had a mouse as well
but it was in there with the snake.
What was in the tank
other than the snake.
Well, it was open plan,
there was an area in the corner
where he used to sleep,
we used to call it the bedding area.
What was there?
What was there? Never mind
what he used to do there.
Just like an ordinary bed but
just a lot longer. A bed was there.
A lot longer and a lot thinner.
Very long and thin,
extremely hard to tuck in at night.
By the time you'd done one side
and gone round the other side,
this side had come up again.
You'd be there forever.
It was awful. Very long thin.
Very long thin bed. Mattress.
Very long thin mattress.
This wasn't one of those snakes
that likes to sleep curled up.
No, no, no.
It likes to stretch out on it.
Right out like that.
Why did the snake need charming?
Was it a particularly
aggressive snake or..?
It was, it used to do
this little thing
where it used to raise its head up
and sort of shake its head like
that, left to right.
And I said to the teacher, "What's
that? What's he doing that for?"
Oh, so you were taught
in the same room as the snake?
We went to different lessons but
in one of the classrooms there was.
This was during snake studies or...
Well that's what
the PE teacher called it.
So I said, as well
as the other kids, we'd say,
"What does it do that for?
and the teacher said,
"That is a sign that the snake
is getting agitated".
And I said, "I bet I can stop that"
and I lifted off the thing
and I just went like that,
and I stroked the back of its head
as a joke and it stopped.
- So you can't demonstrate it
on a snake, but you... - No, I can't.
But Matt is there,
I mean, what if Matt...
What if Matt were to be
a little agitated,
I wonder if employing the
same methods you could calm Matt?
- Well... - Matt could you be
a little agitated?
Matt, if you could be a snake
now if you put your head down here,
- yeah, put, put your head further
down. - I'll put it...
- Put your head here, cos the head
starts off down right. - Right.
- Now get into character.
From a certain angle
this looks really dodgy.
It looks like
I'm just about to go bowling.
So you're looking down, right,
and you're the snake,
and now suddenly you're a snake,
you're agitated.
That is an agitated snake.
You're all worried, aren't you?
Don't worry, I'll sort this out.
Now I'm going to use my hand,
cos in proportion to the head
that's a finger, yeah.
Then I stroke the back of the head
like this,
and watch him, watch the snake calm.
Go down.
Down.
APPLAUSE
So what do you think then, David?
Lee claims that his teacher
called him The Charmer,
and that's the nickname
that stayed with him.
I'd have got murdered at my school
if my teacher would have said, "You,
you're the charmer" that's it.
There's so much of that
that I've got a problem with,
that thing,
the fact it was a grass snake.
Time for a decision, right now.
I think we think it's a lie.
- You think it's a lie. - Lie.
Lee, The Snake Charmer,
were you telling the truth?
Mel's not sure now.
Well actually, ha, ha, ha,
it was
a lie.
APPLAUSE
Yes, it was a lie. Lee wasn't
nicknamed The Charmer at school
because he was the only one
who could calm the school snake.
BUZZER
And that noise signals time is up,
it's the end of the show.
I can reveal that David's team
has triumphed
by three points to one.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
But of course,
it's not just a team game
and my individual
liar of the week this week,
is Mel Giedroyc.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Yes, yes,
Mel Giedroyc, like Mary Berry,
in the Great British Bake Off.
I'm trying to smile but I've got
a very bitter taste in my mouth.
Good night.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd