Would I Lie to You? (2007–…): Season 0, Episode 0 - At Christmas - full transcript
Guests Jo Brand, Joe Swash, Joe Lycett and Ruth Madeley join team captains Lee Mack and David Mitchell to sort the festive facts from the fibs.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Good evening, and welcome to Would I
Lie To You? At Christmas.
A very special edition
filled with festive fibs.
On Lee Mack's team tonight,
a comedian and actor who has played
a social worker and a nurse,
so, please, stand outside your front
door and clap for Jo Brand!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And an ex-EastEnders star, who loves
a traditional Christmas Day,
where he gets run over,
his wife has an affair,
and the Queen Vic burns
to the ground, it's Joe Swash.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And on David Mitchell's
team tonight,
a comedian and host
of the show Travel Man.
Or, as it was renamed for 2020,
Staying In The House Man,
it's Joe Lycett.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And a talented and versatile actor
who tonight is taking on
her toughest role yet - pretending
to be happy being on David's team.
It's Ruth Madeley!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
We begin with Round 1,
Home Truths, where our panellists
read out a statement
from the card in front of them.
To make things harder,
they've never seen the card before,
they have no idea what
they will be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to sort
the fact from the fiction.
Joe Lycett is first tonight.
OK... LEE: I once had a fight
with a flamingo and won.
Last Christmas, the biggest family
row in the Lycett household was
over how many doof-doofs there are
in the EastEnders
closing theme tune.
Lee Mack's team.
So, you mean the bit
just before the music starts?
I think. Obviously, you know,
you were in EastEnders.
Yes, but I never actually got
myself a doof-doof. Oh, no!
I was there for six years, no
doof-doof.
You never had a doof-doof?
I had one doof-doof
and Wendy Richards was in it.
And, then,
when they took it to the edit,
they zoomed in on her and cut me
out of the doof-doof.
How many doof-doofs did your family
decide there were?
So, it was a generational gap,
so, me and my sister
thought there were eight
because there are eight.
My parents thought there were seven.
Give us your eight.
# Doof-doof doof-doof
doof-doof-doof-doof. #
JOE: You're wrong!
DAVID: Excuse me, that's not how
many doof-doofs there are,
that's how many doofs there are.
If the unit is doof-doof,
then there are four.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
He does have a point, you know.
That's why David
has never been invited
to someone's house for Christmas.
I think you stuck too many
doofs in there. Go on, you do it.
# Doof doof doof doof doof... #
HE SINGS EASTENDERS THEME
No, no. That's not it.
You were in the show!
Did you at the end of the night
find out
exactly how many doof-doofs there
were or did you just leave it,
"We're right, you're wrong,"
without knowing?
Yes, basically, we didn't rewind.
So, we don't actually know
right now whether it's eight...
Well, we do. It is eight.
You haven't really checked it,
have you? Yes, I have.
You have checked it? Because I've
watched EastEnders and I know...
But I've watched EastEnders
but I don't ever count...
I don't think you have.
I think there's only three because
I think the fast ones at the end
aren't doof-doofs,
they're something else.
Ooh!
I'm sort of with Joe.
I think it's probably two
to two and a half doof-doofs,
or four to five doofs.
What's a half-doof?
The nature of the noise changes
such that can no longer be
labelled either a doof
or a half-doof-doof. JO: Agree.
Yes, yes, bearing that in mind,
and knowing your love for music,
give us your rendition, then, of the
end drum. I feel that would be...
I'd be humiliated.
Would you like me to give you a
lead-in, a dramatic moment?
No, thank you. This is Elsie
who works in a laundry.
JO: Who's Elsie?
She was never in EastEnders.
She's a character I've created.
What about Dot Cotton?
Couldn't you pick her?
You look a bit like Dot Cotton.
You do a bit!
You've got that look.
You've got that longness.
Are you ready?
Yes, I'm going to try it.
NASAL: Oh...
Oh...
LEE: I think that's Mick Jagger
you're doing there!
COCKNEY: Here! I don't know what
happened to my laundry!
It's gone somewhere.
# Doof doof doof doof doof-doof
d-d-doof doof-doof... #
All right.
What are you thinking? That sounds
like the washing machine's broken.
See, I think after about five
minutes I would have just
gone to the YouTube
and had a little look on there.
I think he's lying. I always like
to go counterintuitive,
so I'm going to say
I think he's lying as well.
OK, I'm going to have to say lie.
You're going to have to say lie.
OK, Joe Lycett, truth or lie?
It's a lie.
And, Joe Swash, as a treat for you,
cos you said you've never had
a doof-doof, we're going to give you
one tonight. Whatever you want
to say, something dramatic,
and it's going to come in,
it's going to happen. And, trust me,
it doesn't matter what you say
cos we're all just
going to be counting.
OK, Joe, here we go.
Is it my baby?!
DOOF-DOOFS COME IN
Oh!
There's nine. There's ten! Nine!
It's nine, it's nine.
There's nine in there.
Joe Swash, you're next. OK.
One Christmas,
I accidentally put the wrong address
in my mum's sat nav and instead
of driving to Lakeside, she drove
all the way to the Lake District.
OK, David's team. Geographically,
where was the starting point?
Well... In London.
It was a long time ago.
It was when the sat nav,
remember it was called TomTom?
Actually, it wasn't called TomTom,
it was called
# TomTom, TomTom, TomTom... #
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
So, I've always had slight
dyslexia as a kid. So I sort of...
Oh, so, maybe it wasn't a TomTom,
maybe it was your MOT.
Could have been,
could have been, yeah.
I think I just put it in wrong,
and, then...
DAVID: Obviously, that's not
a detailed explanation
of what went awry.
JOE: What would you like to know?
DAVID: Did you type in
the word Lakeside?
JOE: I stuck in LA,
put in the first couple of letters,
then it predicts the word for you.
You put LA in, your mother drove off
towards Los Angeles... Stop start...
And you saved it with a K...
JOE: Yes.
DAVID: Then you said to yourself,
"Fine, there can't be more
than one place being LAK,"
it finished "Lake Windermere,"
off she drove... JOE: No.
I must have put in the lake
and then it filled the rest in,
and I must have pressed...
Just pressed Lake District,
taking it for granted...
And you are saying, with a straight
face, that your mum...
Was it just your mother?
No, it weren't my mum, it was my mum
and her next-door neighbour, Debbie.
Right. They just kept driving
until it got dark.
And, then, what my mum said was...is
that they got so scared
because it was just them two
in a car and they didn't know
where they were going, my mum
doesn't know
how to do the sat nav
and all that business, that they
thought it would be safer just to
continue to where they were going...
..and then just work out
what to do the next day.
So they went to the Lake District...
They arrived in the Lake District?
Yes, it took them,
like, six hours. Six hours?!
Yes, they took some wrong turns. So,
they had to get a hotel and stay...
No! I swear! I'm telling you.
Come on!
OK, we've been doing this
show for many years,
and Rob has never in the middle
of it gone, "Noooo!"
So, after about three hours,
they got so far they weren't going
to come back in the same day, they
were going to continue as they were.
Debbie phoned her husband,
which I think they should have done
a lot earlier because...
..he's a cab-driver!
DAVID: Even if he wasn't, it would
make sense, really, to make contact.
So, what did they do, Joe? Did they
stay over there? They stayed over...
Then what? I got a phone call.
Yeah? They were fuming.
They must have been livid!
Thing was, my mum didn't know where
anything was, she didn't know how
to get places, so she would follow
that sat nav regardless, whether
it took her into the sea, she'd be
in the sea, she'd follow it.
DAVID: And, yet, you put the
destination in
with such little care.
JOE: I just didn't think.
Honestly, when she told me,
even I was surprised.
DAVID: Even you didn't believe her.
JOE: I asked the same questions
you asked!
Like, "Why didn't you come home?
Why did you stay?"
None of it made sense to me, either.
But the one thing she said was...is
that they were very scared,
they didn't know where
they were going, so they just
carried on following the blue line
till the end of the destination.
And, then, in the morning,
they worked out, I think
they asked someone in the hotel
they had to stay in,
and then the fella reprogrammed it
to come back to London the next day.
Joe Lycett, what are you thinking?
I think it might be true.
I can see real hurt in him.
It's doable. It is doable.
If it's a lie and you pick up
that card, you're not going to
follow through on, yes,
they discovered halfway through
the journey they were heading to
totally the wrong place but decided
that the thing to do was to follow
through on the entire journey.
It's more plausible that it happened
than that Joe invented that just
now. Basically, David's said
there's more chance you mother's
stupid than you are creative.
JOE: He did, he did!
Exactly what he just said.
I think we think true.
I think we think true.
They drove all that way?
Joe Swash,
was it true or was it a lie?
Yes, it happened.
Yes, it's true.
Joe did accidentally send his mum
to the Lake District.
Ruth, you're next. Right.
Because my dog hates loud noises
so much, I always put
earmuffs on him before we pull our
Christmas crackers.
All right, Lee's team.
Right...
What type of dog do you have?
I have a British bulldog. The
dog don't mind
having these on his ears?
Not at all. How old is your dog?
He's two. If I've got a new dog
and we're having Christmas dinner
and he don't like the bang,
I'd put him in another room.
So why am I going to the effort
of teaching him
to put these earmuffs on?
Why would you... Did you say
teach him to put the earmuffs on?
I don't think she suggested that.
"Oi, Bonzo!
"We're about to pull again,
stick them on!"
HE GROWLS
Lee...
HE CONTINUES GROWLING
You have a new puppy, am I wrong?
Well, yes, a fairly new puppy, yes.
Would you, if it was frightened
of something and it needed you,
would you put it in another room?
JO: We had a dog that was very
frightened of fireworks. I sold it.
GASPS AND LAUGHTER
Did you... I don't know if you got
advice from a vet or something
about what to do, or...?
RUTH: We were given the name of
this "dog specialist"
who could help with anxiety.
What was his qualifications?
I didn't read his qualifications.
I suspect he might have been
a market trader
that also sold earmuffs.
No, look...
OK, so what are you going to say?
Well, I am kind of neutral about it
because I can understand why
you might do something like that.
Who hasn't wanted to dress up a dog?
It's adorable. So I believe she
might she might put
some clothes on it. Have you dressed
up your puppy?
Is that a euphemism?
I've had a shower, if that's what
you're asking.
So, what are we going to say?
So, Joe says it's... A lie.
You think it's a lie?
It's too much hassle. Lie.
I think it's got to be a lie.
It's got to be.
So, you're saying it's a lie?
OK, Ruth, was it the truth
or were you telling a lie?
You all look like idiots
because it was...
..a lie. Oh.
Our next round is called This Is My,
where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection
to one of our panellists.
Now, this week, each of David's
team will claim it's them
that has the genuine connection
to the guest.
It's up to Lee's team to spot
who's telling the truth.
So, please welcome this week's
special guest, David.
So, Joe Lycett,
what is David to you?
This is my neighbour, David,
and, last year, to save money,
we time-shared a Christmas tree.
Ruth. How do you know David?
This is David.
And he walked into a charity shop
just as I was donating the gift
he'd given me a few days earlier.
Ruth's charitable chum.
And, finally, David, what
is your relationship with David?
This is David.
And when my daughter lost her
beloved toy rabbit,
we held up a train
so I could board it and grab it.
So there we have it. Lee's team.
Where would you like to begin?
Joe. Next door neighbour?
JOE: Yeah.
LEE: Well, first of all,
why aren't you just buying
your own Christmas tree?
JOE: Well, David and I decided
to save a bit of money.
We knew David was going away
on Christmas Eve,
so he wasn't going to use
the Christmas tree after that point.
I was working pretty much
up until Christmas, so we thought
it was a good idea that we...
LEE: So, got it from December 1st?
JOE: He got it on the 12th
to the 24th.
Then I had it from
the 24th to the 1st.
I got rid of it on the 1st.
LEE: And did you take it, decorate
it and just plonk it in your house?
JOE: So, that's why we won't do
it again, because we worked out
that the savings that we made
from sharing the cost of the tree,
which is about 60 quid,
we saved that,
but the amount of baubles
we lost in the transit...
LEE: And this was
all about saving £30.
JOE: Yes. LEE: But, you know,
you're doing all right.
JOE: David's not.
LEE: What was your Christmas
set-up after the 24th?
Did you have people
staying with you?
JOE: They didn't stay, but they came
for Christmas dinner.
I remember they came to watch
EastEnders.
You had a big row with them.
Don't you remember?
Who would you like
to question next?
Ruth. Can you remind us of your...?
David's my cousin,
and he walked into a charity shop
just as I was donating
the gift he'd given me a few days
earlier.
What was the gift, first of all?
Right.
It's one of those, you know them
really ugly, porcelain,
pig things that open?
Huh? Cookie jar?
Yeah, but smaller than a cookie
jar, not big enough for
a cookie jar. So you couldn't even
use it for that.
JOE: Sorry, you've gone into the
charity shop
to get rid of this pig thing.
Yeah, that's the only words that can
describe it.
Your cousin's walked in. Yeah.
And gone...
"Taking a pig for a walk? What are
you doing with the pig?"
ROB SINGS THE DOOFS
I didn't expect him to be there.
Did you carry on with the process of
"Let's get..."
Talk us through exactly what
happened after he walked in.
Right. David came in
because he saw me.
There was absolutely no other reason
for him to go in the charity shop.
You could tell he was really upset.
But without wanting to...
Did he mention...? What did he say?
He went, "Oh...
"What are you doing?"
He just pointed at this pig
that I'm holding.
Yeah? And I panicked.
So I said, "Look, I didn't want
to tell you at the time...
"..but I've already got one." Ah!
So when did he actually
find out the truth?
So I had to call David
and tell him I was coming on
Would I Lie To You?
And I can't stand the thought
of hurting anyone's feelings...
So you thought you'd bring him on
national television
and humiliate him.
No, no, no...
We've....we've since spoke,
and he's lovely.
Right, now, Lee, what about David?
David, remind us of your claim
and your statement?
This is David, and he helped me
board a train to rescue a rabbit.
First of all, where were
you going from?
I was going from London to Cardiff.
With your wife and child? Exactly.
Was you going there for a reason?
What do you mean by that?
You've got to have a reason
to go to Cardiff?
Oh, you come down here
with your cockney patter.
People go to Cardiff just
cos they want to visit it.
Sorry, mate.
Did you like it
there, David? It's very nice.
Did you like it? You know, I'd put
Carlisle into the train app, so...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Talk us through what happened.
Well, what happened, we got
on the train and she...
This rabbit, called Pink Rabbit,
it's a pink rabbit.
What's it called? She calls it Pink
Rabbit. That's it.
She's got your sort of creativity.
Thank you.
And it's her second-favourite
cuddly toy.
Who's the favourite?
The favourite is another rabbit.
He's called Wiggles.
Wiggles. Aw. Wiggles never
leaves the house.
Oh, has he got an ASBO?
It's better we always know
where Wiggles is.
Oh, OK. Pink Rabbit is the...the
favourite of the toys
she will take out of the house.
How had you acquired the rabbit?
Where had the rabbit come from?
It was probably...it was probably
a Christmas present at some point.
But, the thing is, it was
around for a couple of years
among the various... She's got lots
of toy rabbits
and that sort of thing.
And, then, suddenly,
I'm not quite sure why,
Pink Rabbit came to favour.
It was like Stalin emerging
as the frontrunner
of the Politburo, you know?
Are you still doing the bedtime
stories?
He wasn't the obvious successor
to Lenin, but, a few years later,
suddenly he's in charge.
So, Pink Rabbit has had a meteoric
rise...
Right, we get off the train at
Cardiff. Exactly.
When do you realise
the rabbit is gone?
When we've got to the hotel
and my wife realises...
..that she's married to you
and has a breakdown.
Thank you. As always,
you've made it so Christmassy.
But then she sort of takes me
aside and says,
"I don't think we've got
Pink Rabbit."
So, at no point has your daughter
made any reference to this rabbit,
even though it's her favourite
rabbit. I know.
The thing is when we got
on the train, my daughter said,
"I'd like... Can we get Pink
Rabbit out of the bag?
"I want to have Pink Rabbit
with me on the train."
And it was my strong view
that that was a bad idea,
that we should keep Pink Rabbit
in the bag where we know
where Pink Rabbit is and only get
Pink Rabbit out
when we get to Cardiff.
But, no, I was overruled.
It was apparently fine and she would
keep an eye on Pink Rabbit
and not forget about Pink Rabbit.
OK. JOE: So, your wife's said to you
"Pink Rabbit's gone."
DAVID: Yeah. JOE: Do you phone the
train station?
Because Pink Rabbit's
on the way back to London.
DAVID: No, no, no, no, no, no.
Pink Rabbit is
on the way to Swansea.
Yeah. Where it is going to
turn round
and then head back to London via -
and here's the loophole...
The Lake District!
No, via Cardiff, the train is coming
back via Cardiff.
So, you know now where the train
is headed.
So, what do you decide to do?
We go to Cardiff Station
in order to get on it
and look for Pink Rabbit.
All for a cuddly toy?
Oh, yes.
How many children do you have?
One. Well, 'course, classic, classic
only-child scenario.
I've got five. I would have said,
"The rabbit's dead.
Get on with your life."
So, what happened?
Well, we went to the station.
Yeah. David was in this sort of
glass room/booth
next to the barrier. Nice that he's
brought it with him.
We went up to him and said,
"Look, we haven't got tickets
"for the train, but we don't
want to get on the train.
"We want to go and retrieve
a toy rabbit."
And he looked quite stern and
severe, and then nodded and went,
"Yeah, that's fine."
And it was...it was...it was
a wonderful moment of possibility.
All right. So, then what happened?
The train comes into the station.
My wife goes to the front
of the train to talk to the driver.
She's such a flirt.
We've worked out where our carriage
would be coming in.
Yes. I get on the right carriage
to look for Pink Rabbit
and, as it turned out, thankfully,
find Pink Rabbit,
and then get off the train.
The bit we haven't heard yet
is that if you have specifically
said, "I don't think the rabbit
should leave the bag,"
and then you get to the hotel,
and she says, "We haven't got
"the rabbit," how did that
conversation go?
What can I say? I'm a hell of a guy.
But what did you actually say?
I did not say "I told you so."
You did not say "I told you so."
I did not say "I told you so."
Did you say it with your eyes?
Oh, well, I can't fake that, can I?
What they're doing, they're always
admonishing everyone.
But, no, I didn't say that because
I knew my wife would already
have been thinking it. It was not
necessary for me to say those words
because they were already
in her brain.
So, be honest... And at some point
she is going to say,
"You told me so" for me, as indeed
she subsequently did.
And that is when
a relationship is working!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
We need an answer.
So, Lee's team, is David
Joe's frugal friend,
Ruth's charitable chum,
or David's rabbit rescuer?
This is a tough one.
I mean, Ruth, is... It's not
likely, is it?
No, I don't think that's likely.
I'm genuinely torn
between David and Joe.
I don't know.
I've been in the same situation
and lost a teddy bear
at the airport, and I was gutted.
Cried for ages.
I'm going to go with David
because I've been there.
I have also been there.
So, I do feel
that this could be true.
I'm aware of how emotionally
damaging these situations can be.
And, for that reason, we didn't
buy our children any toys.
It's hard to know. Fair enough.
Joe, what did you think? What's it
going to be? Go with David.
Oh, go with David.
We'll go with David. You're going
to say that David held up the train.
OK. David, would you please
reveal your true identity?
I'm David, and David I rescued
his daughter's rabbit.
Yes, David is David's rabbit
rescuer.
Thank you very much, David.
Which brings us to our final round -
Quickfire Lies.
And we start with...
It's Jo Brand.
This box contains everything
I need to play my family's
favourite festive game.
All right, so could you now take
the contents out
and put them onto the desk, please?
Oh, well, it's...it's...it's
a plastic cup.
Water.
Pen there. Sheet of paper.
Yeah. Well, it looks exciting.
What you do is you get the glass...
I'm a bit nervous about what
you're going to do.
All right. Hello!
You come up with, like,
the category.
A category. Yes. Yes.
Ah! Sorry!
I've got a cramp in my foot.
Just bear with me a minute.
Like diseases of the knee...
Keep thinking, keep thinking.
LAUGHTER
You all right? That's better,
thank you. Carry on.
So, you come up with a category.
Yeah, so, and I kind of start the
game off, so I think of something
in that category and I write
that down on a bit of paper.
Yes. You have got to come up
with something from the category.
Yes. Which is trees.
So, you each say a tree.
And if anyone says the tree
that I have written on the paper,
I throw this over them.
Oh, let's play it.
Let's play it.
We'll give you a category.
The category is...
..things you might find
in a Christmas dinner.
So, food items in
a Christmas dinner.
Right, now, fold the paper up.
Don't let them see it. OK.
OK, now, Jo, Lee and Joe Swash
are your sons.
They've come home... No, no, no, no!
They're back from the youth
detention centre...
Would you like my friend Robert to
play? My mum says you can play.
Thanks. We're all playing the game.
Oh, hang on a minute.
No, wait a minute.
I'm told that... I'm being told
that my desk is not waterproof.
Oh, yeah... No, seriously.
But theirs is. Oh, yes...
Hang on, I'm being told...
..now, my desk also... I'm so
sorry...
I'm just being told
my skin is soluble.
I'm telling you the truth,
that's what they're telling me.
So, remember now, boys, the category
is things in a Christmas dinner.
Get ready. Here we go.
Let's get the tension, OK?
Lee Mack, something you'd find
in a Christmas dinner.
OK, I'm going to go for a...
..nut roast.
Ooh, the tension there
when he said it.
OK, Joe Swash.
A Brussels sprout.
Ooh!
Oh, it's back to Lee.
This is unbearable.
RUTH: This is a great game!
LEE: Unbearable.
I'm going to go for a carrot.
Oh! Joe Swash. Pigs in blankets.
Oh! Lee!
GASPING AND OOHING
Turkey!
RELIEVED LAUGHTER
Joe Swash.
This is an unbelievably
stressful game.
Yorkshire pudding.
DAVID: What are you talking about?
Yorkshire pudding?!
JOE: I have Yorkshire pudding
on my Christmas dinner!
Only cos he set the sat nav
for Brussels sprouts!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Gravy.
He said, gravy.
Gravy. Lee Mack.
Cranberry sauce!
Joe Swash. Bit of turkey.
He said turkey!
THEY SQUABBLE
OK, I'll go with some carrots.
He's already said carrots!
THEY SQUABBLE
All right, I'll go with stuffing.
CHEERING
LEE CHEERS
So... That's the happiest thing
that's ever happened to me.
Was that game genuinely something
that Jo plays,
or did she just make it up?
Truth or lie?
Even if it's not, to come up
with that on the spot is brilliant.
I'm playing that on Christmas Day.
It's a brilliant game.
If Jo invented that game
in the last few seconds,
reading off a card, well, then
she'd be a genius.
OK, so, what's it going to be?
Truth or lie?
We're going to say true.
OK, Jo, this incredible
Christmas game.
Oh, my God. Truth or lie?
It's...
..true.
Yes, it's true.
Jo does play the game every Christmas.
BUZZER
Oh, and that noise signals time
is up, it's the end of the show.
I can reveal that Lee's team
have won 3-2.
Thanks for watching, we'll see you
next time. Goodnight!
Good evening, and welcome to Would I
Lie To You? At Christmas.
A very special edition
filled with festive fibs.
On Lee Mack's team tonight,
a comedian and actor who has played
a social worker and a nurse,
so, please, stand outside your front
door and clap for Jo Brand!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And an ex-EastEnders star, who loves
a traditional Christmas Day,
where he gets run over,
his wife has an affair,
and the Queen Vic burns
to the ground, it's Joe Swash.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And on David Mitchell's
team tonight,
a comedian and host
of the show Travel Man.
Or, as it was renamed for 2020,
Staying In The House Man,
it's Joe Lycett.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And a talented and versatile actor
who tonight is taking on
her toughest role yet - pretending
to be happy being on David's team.
It's Ruth Madeley!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
We begin with Round 1,
Home Truths, where our panellists
read out a statement
from the card in front of them.
To make things harder,
they've never seen the card before,
they have no idea what
they will be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to sort
the fact from the fiction.
Joe Lycett is first tonight.
OK... LEE: I once had a fight
with a flamingo and won.
Last Christmas, the biggest family
row in the Lycett household was
over how many doof-doofs there are
in the EastEnders
closing theme tune.
Lee Mack's team.
So, you mean the bit
just before the music starts?
I think. Obviously, you know,
you were in EastEnders.
Yes, but I never actually got
myself a doof-doof. Oh, no!
I was there for six years, no
doof-doof.
You never had a doof-doof?
I had one doof-doof
and Wendy Richards was in it.
And, then,
when they took it to the edit,
they zoomed in on her and cut me
out of the doof-doof.
How many doof-doofs did your family
decide there were?
So, it was a generational gap,
so, me and my sister
thought there were eight
because there are eight.
My parents thought there were seven.
Give us your eight.
# Doof-doof doof-doof
doof-doof-doof-doof. #
JOE: You're wrong!
DAVID: Excuse me, that's not how
many doof-doofs there are,
that's how many doofs there are.
If the unit is doof-doof,
then there are four.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
He does have a point, you know.
That's why David
has never been invited
to someone's house for Christmas.
I think you stuck too many
doofs in there. Go on, you do it.
# Doof doof doof doof doof... #
HE SINGS EASTENDERS THEME
No, no. That's not it.
You were in the show!
Did you at the end of the night
find out
exactly how many doof-doofs there
were or did you just leave it,
"We're right, you're wrong,"
without knowing?
Yes, basically, we didn't rewind.
So, we don't actually know
right now whether it's eight...
Well, we do. It is eight.
You haven't really checked it,
have you? Yes, I have.
You have checked it? Because I've
watched EastEnders and I know...
But I've watched EastEnders
but I don't ever count...
I don't think you have.
I think there's only three because
I think the fast ones at the end
aren't doof-doofs,
they're something else.
Ooh!
I'm sort of with Joe.
I think it's probably two
to two and a half doof-doofs,
or four to five doofs.
What's a half-doof?
The nature of the noise changes
such that can no longer be
labelled either a doof
or a half-doof-doof. JO: Agree.
Yes, yes, bearing that in mind,
and knowing your love for music,
give us your rendition, then, of the
end drum. I feel that would be...
I'd be humiliated.
Would you like me to give you a
lead-in, a dramatic moment?
No, thank you. This is Elsie
who works in a laundry.
JO: Who's Elsie?
She was never in EastEnders.
She's a character I've created.
What about Dot Cotton?
Couldn't you pick her?
You look a bit like Dot Cotton.
You do a bit!
You've got that look.
You've got that longness.
Are you ready?
Yes, I'm going to try it.
NASAL: Oh...
Oh...
LEE: I think that's Mick Jagger
you're doing there!
COCKNEY: Here! I don't know what
happened to my laundry!
It's gone somewhere.
# Doof doof doof doof doof-doof
d-d-doof doof-doof... #
All right.
What are you thinking? That sounds
like the washing machine's broken.
See, I think after about five
minutes I would have just
gone to the YouTube
and had a little look on there.
I think he's lying. I always like
to go counterintuitive,
so I'm going to say
I think he's lying as well.
OK, I'm going to have to say lie.
You're going to have to say lie.
OK, Joe Lycett, truth or lie?
It's a lie.
And, Joe Swash, as a treat for you,
cos you said you've never had
a doof-doof, we're going to give you
one tonight. Whatever you want
to say, something dramatic,
and it's going to come in,
it's going to happen. And, trust me,
it doesn't matter what you say
cos we're all just
going to be counting.
OK, Joe, here we go.
Is it my baby?!
DOOF-DOOFS COME IN
Oh!
There's nine. There's ten! Nine!
It's nine, it's nine.
There's nine in there.
Joe Swash, you're next. OK.
One Christmas,
I accidentally put the wrong address
in my mum's sat nav and instead
of driving to Lakeside, she drove
all the way to the Lake District.
OK, David's team. Geographically,
where was the starting point?
Well... In London.
It was a long time ago.
It was when the sat nav,
remember it was called TomTom?
Actually, it wasn't called TomTom,
it was called
# TomTom, TomTom, TomTom... #
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
So, I've always had slight
dyslexia as a kid. So I sort of...
Oh, so, maybe it wasn't a TomTom,
maybe it was your MOT.
Could have been,
could have been, yeah.
I think I just put it in wrong,
and, then...
DAVID: Obviously, that's not
a detailed explanation
of what went awry.
JOE: What would you like to know?
DAVID: Did you type in
the word Lakeside?
JOE: I stuck in LA,
put in the first couple of letters,
then it predicts the word for you.
You put LA in, your mother drove off
towards Los Angeles... Stop start...
And you saved it with a K...
JOE: Yes.
DAVID: Then you said to yourself,
"Fine, there can't be more
than one place being LAK,"
it finished "Lake Windermere,"
off she drove... JOE: No.
I must have put in the lake
and then it filled the rest in,
and I must have pressed...
Just pressed Lake District,
taking it for granted...
And you are saying, with a straight
face, that your mum...
Was it just your mother?
No, it weren't my mum, it was my mum
and her next-door neighbour, Debbie.
Right. They just kept driving
until it got dark.
And, then, what my mum said was...is
that they got so scared
because it was just them two
in a car and they didn't know
where they were going, my mum
doesn't know
how to do the sat nav
and all that business, that they
thought it would be safer just to
continue to where they were going...
..and then just work out
what to do the next day.
So they went to the Lake District...
They arrived in the Lake District?
Yes, it took them,
like, six hours. Six hours?!
Yes, they took some wrong turns. So,
they had to get a hotel and stay...
No! I swear! I'm telling you.
Come on!
OK, we've been doing this
show for many years,
and Rob has never in the middle
of it gone, "Noooo!"
So, after about three hours,
they got so far they weren't going
to come back in the same day, they
were going to continue as they were.
Debbie phoned her husband,
which I think they should have done
a lot earlier because...
..he's a cab-driver!
DAVID: Even if he wasn't, it would
make sense, really, to make contact.
So, what did they do, Joe? Did they
stay over there? They stayed over...
Then what? I got a phone call.
Yeah? They were fuming.
They must have been livid!
Thing was, my mum didn't know where
anything was, she didn't know how
to get places, so she would follow
that sat nav regardless, whether
it took her into the sea, she'd be
in the sea, she'd follow it.
DAVID: And, yet, you put the
destination in
with such little care.
JOE: I just didn't think.
Honestly, when she told me,
even I was surprised.
DAVID: Even you didn't believe her.
JOE: I asked the same questions
you asked!
Like, "Why didn't you come home?
Why did you stay?"
None of it made sense to me, either.
But the one thing she said was...is
that they were very scared,
they didn't know where
they were going, so they just
carried on following the blue line
till the end of the destination.
And, then, in the morning,
they worked out, I think
they asked someone in the hotel
they had to stay in,
and then the fella reprogrammed it
to come back to London the next day.
Joe Lycett, what are you thinking?
I think it might be true.
I can see real hurt in him.
It's doable. It is doable.
If it's a lie and you pick up
that card, you're not going to
follow through on, yes,
they discovered halfway through
the journey they were heading to
totally the wrong place but decided
that the thing to do was to follow
through on the entire journey.
It's more plausible that it happened
than that Joe invented that just
now. Basically, David's said
there's more chance you mother's
stupid than you are creative.
JOE: He did, he did!
Exactly what he just said.
I think we think true.
I think we think true.
They drove all that way?
Joe Swash,
was it true or was it a lie?
Yes, it happened.
Yes, it's true.
Joe did accidentally send his mum
to the Lake District.
Ruth, you're next. Right.
Because my dog hates loud noises
so much, I always put
earmuffs on him before we pull our
Christmas crackers.
All right, Lee's team.
Right...
What type of dog do you have?
I have a British bulldog. The
dog don't mind
having these on his ears?
Not at all. How old is your dog?
He's two. If I've got a new dog
and we're having Christmas dinner
and he don't like the bang,
I'd put him in another room.
So why am I going to the effort
of teaching him
to put these earmuffs on?
Why would you... Did you say
teach him to put the earmuffs on?
I don't think she suggested that.
"Oi, Bonzo!
"We're about to pull again,
stick them on!"
HE GROWLS
Lee...
HE CONTINUES GROWLING
You have a new puppy, am I wrong?
Well, yes, a fairly new puppy, yes.
Would you, if it was frightened
of something and it needed you,
would you put it in another room?
JO: We had a dog that was very
frightened of fireworks. I sold it.
GASPS AND LAUGHTER
Did you... I don't know if you got
advice from a vet or something
about what to do, or...?
RUTH: We were given the name of
this "dog specialist"
who could help with anxiety.
What was his qualifications?
I didn't read his qualifications.
I suspect he might have been
a market trader
that also sold earmuffs.
No, look...
OK, so what are you going to say?
Well, I am kind of neutral about it
because I can understand why
you might do something like that.
Who hasn't wanted to dress up a dog?
It's adorable. So I believe she
might she might put
some clothes on it. Have you dressed
up your puppy?
Is that a euphemism?
I've had a shower, if that's what
you're asking.
So, what are we going to say?
So, Joe says it's... A lie.
You think it's a lie?
It's too much hassle. Lie.
I think it's got to be a lie.
It's got to be.
So, you're saying it's a lie?
OK, Ruth, was it the truth
or were you telling a lie?
You all look like idiots
because it was...
..a lie. Oh.
Our next round is called This Is My,
where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection
to one of our panellists.
Now, this week, each of David's
team will claim it's them
that has the genuine connection
to the guest.
It's up to Lee's team to spot
who's telling the truth.
So, please welcome this week's
special guest, David.
So, Joe Lycett,
what is David to you?
This is my neighbour, David,
and, last year, to save money,
we time-shared a Christmas tree.
Ruth. How do you know David?
This is David.
And he walked into a charity shop
just as I was donating the gift
he'd given me a few days earlier.
Ruth's charitable chum.
And, finally, David, what
is your relationship with David?
This is David.
And when my daughter lost her
beloved toy rabbit,
we held up a train
so I could board it and grab it.
So there we have it. Lee's team.
Where would you like to begin?
Joe. Next door neighbour?
JOE: Yeah.
LEE: Well, first of all,
why aren't you just buying
your own Christmas tree?
JOE: Well, David and I decided
to save a bit of money.
We knew David was going away
on Christmas Eve,
so he wasn't going to use
the Christmas tree after that point.
I was working pretty much
up until Christmas, so we thought
it was a good idea that we...
LEE: So, got it from December 1st?
JOE: He got it on the 12th
to the 24th.
Then I had it from
the 24th to the 1st.
I got rid of it on the 1st.
LEE: And did you take it, decorate
it and just plonk it in your house?
JOE: So, that's why we won't do
it again, because we worked out
that the savings that we made
from sharing the cost of the tree,
which is about 60 quid,
we saved that,
but the amount of baubles
we lost in the transit...
LEE: And this was
all about saving £30.
JOE: Yes. LEE: But, you know,
you're doing all right.
JOE: David's not.
LEE: What was your Christmas
set-up after the 24th?
Did you have people
staying with you?
JOE: They didn't stay, but they came
for Christmas dinner.
I remember they came to watch
EastEnders.
You had a big row with them.
Don't you remember?
Who would you like
to question next?
Ruth. Can you remind us of your...?
David's my cousin,
and he walked into a charity shop
just as I was donating
the gift he'd given me a few days
earlier.
What was the gift, first of all?
Right.
It's one of those, you know them
really ugly, porcelain,
pig things that open?
Huh? Cookie jar?
Yeah, but smaller than a cookie
jar, not big enough for
a cookie jar. So you couldn't even
use it for that.
JOE: Sorry, you've gone into the
charity shop
to get rid of this pig thing.
Yeah, that's the only words that can
describe it.
Your cousin's walked in. Yeah.
And gone...
"Taking a pig for a walk? What are
you doing with the pig?"
ROB SINGS THE DOOFS
I didn't expect him to be there.
Did you carry on with the process of
"Let's get..."
Talk us through exactly what
happened after he walked in.
Right. David came in
because he saw me.
There was absolutely no other reason
for him to go in the charity shop.
You could tell he was really upset.
But without wanting to...
Did he mention...? What did he say?
He went, "Oh...
"What are you doing?"
He just pointed at this pig
that I'm holding.
Yeah? And I panicked.
So I said, "Look, I didn't want
to tell you at the time...
"..but I've already got one." Ah!
So when did he actually
find out the truth?
So I had to call David
and tell him I was coming on
Would I Lie To You?
And I can't stand the thought
of hurting anyone's feelings...
So you thought you'd bring him on
national television
and humiliate him.
No, no, no...
We've....we've since spoke,
and he's lovely.
Right, now, Lee, what about David?
David, remind us of your claim
and your statement?
This is David, and he helped me
board a train to rescue a rabbit.
First of all, where were
you going from?
I was going from London to Cardiff.
With your wife and child? Exactly.
Was you going there for a reason?
What do you mean by that?
You've got to have a reason
to go to Cardiff?
Oh, you come down here
with your cockney patter.
People go to Cardiff just
cos they want to visit it.
Sorry, mate.
Did you like it
there, David? It's very nice.
Did you like it? You know, I'd put
Carlisle into the train app, so...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Talk us through what happened.
Well, what happened, we got
on the train and she...
This rabbit, called Pink Rabbit,
it's a pink rabbit.
What's it called? She calls it Pink
Rabbit. That's it.
She's got your sort of creativity.
Thank you.
And it's her second-favourite
cuddly toy.
Who's the favourite?
The favourite is another rabbit.
He's called Wiggles.
Wiggles. Aw. Wiggles never
leaves the house.
Oh, has he got an ASBO?
It's better we always know
where Wiggles is.
Oh, OK. Pink Rabbit is the...the
favourite of the toys
she will take out of the house.
How had you acquired the rabbit?
Where had the rabbit come from?
It was probably...it was probably
a Christmas present at some point.
But, the thing is, it was
around for a couple of years
among the various... She's got lots
of toy rabbits
and that sort of thing.
And, then, suddenly,
I'm not quite sure why,
Pink Rabbit came to favour.
It was like Stalin emerging
as the frontrunner
of the Politburo, you know?
Are you still doing the bedtime
stories?
He wasn't the obvious successor
to Lenin, but, a few years later,
suddenly he's in charge.
So, Pink Rabbit has had a meteoric
rise...
Right, we get off the train at
Cardiff. Exactly.
When do you realise
the rabbit is gone?
When we've got to the hotel
and my wife realises...
..that she's married to you
and has a breakdown.
Thank you. As always,
you've made it so Christmassy.
But then she sort of takes me
aside and says,
"I don't think we've got
Pink Rabbit."
So, at no point has your daughter
made any reference to this rabbit,
even though it's her favourite
rabbit. I know.
The thing is when we got
on the train, my daughter said,
"I'd like... Can we get Pink
Rabbit out of the bag?
"I want to have Pink Rabbit
with me on the train."
And it was my strong view
that that was a bad idea,
that we should keep Pink Rabbit
in the bag where we know
where Pink Rabbit is and only get
Pink Rabbit out
when we get to Cardiff.
But, no, I was overruled.
It was apparently fine and she would
keep an eye on Pink Rabbit
and not forget about Pink Rabbit.
OK. JOE: So, your wife's said to you
"Pink Rabbit's gone."
DAVID: Yeah. JOE: Do you phone the
train station?
Because Pink Rabbit's
on the way back to London.
DAVID: No, no, no, no, no, no.
Pink Rabbit is
on the way to Swansea.
Yeah. Where it is going to
turn round
and then head back to London via -
and here's the loophole...
The Lake District!
No, via Cardiff, the train is coming
back via Cardiff.
So, you know now where the train
is headed.
So, what do you decide to do?
We go to Cardiff Station
in order to get on it
and look for Pink Rabbit.
All for a cuddly toy?
Oh, yes.
How many children do you have?
One. Well, 'course, classic, classic
only-child scenario.
I've got five. I would have said,
"The rabbit's dead.
Get on with your life."
So, what happened?
Well, we went to the station.
Yeah. David was in this sort of
glass room/booth
next to the barrier. Nice that he's
brought it with him.
We went up to him and said,
"Look, we haven't got tickets
"for the train, but we don't
want to get on the train.
"We want to go and retrieve
a toy rabbit."
And he looked quite stern and
severe, and then nodded and went,
"Yeah, that's fine."
And it was...it was...it was
a wonderful moment of possibility.
All right. So, then what happened?
The train comes into the station.
My wife goes to the front
of the train to talk to the driver.
She's such a flirt.
We've worked out where our carriage
would be coming in.
Yes. I get on the right carriage
to look for Pink Rabbit
and, as it turned out, thankfully,
find Pink Rabbit,
and then get off the train.
The bit we haven't heard yet
is that if you have specifically
said, "I don't think the rabbit
should leave the bag,"
and then you get to the hotel,
and she says, "We haven't got
"the rabbit," how did that
conversation go?
What can I say? I'm a hell of a guy.
But what did you actually say?
I did not say "I told you so."
You did not say "I told you so."
I did not say "I told you so."
Did you say it with your eyes?
Oh, well, I can't fake that, can I?
What they're doing, they're always
admonishing everyone.
But, no, I didn't say that because
I knew my wife would already
have been thinking it. It was not
necessary for me to say those words
because they were already
in her brain.
So, be honest... And at some point
she is going to say,
"You told me so" for me, as indeed
she subsequently did.
And that is when
a relationship is working!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
We need an answer.
So, Lee's team, is David
Joe's frugal friend,
Ruth's charitable chum,
or David's rabbit rescuer?
This is a tough one.
I mean, Ruth, is... It's not
likely, is it?
No, I don't think that's likely.
I'm genuinely torn
between David and Joe.
I don't know.
I've been in the same situation
and lost a teddy bear
at the airport, and I was gutted.
Cried for ages.
I'm going to go with David
because I've been there.
I have also been there.
So, I do feel
that this could be true.
I'm aware of how emotionally
damaging these situations can be.
And, for that reason, we didn't
buy our children any toys.
It's hard to know. Fair enough.
Joe, what did you think? What's it
going to be? Go with David.
Oh, go with David.
We'll go with David. You're going
to say that David held up the train.
OK. David, would you please
reveal your true identity?
I'm David, and David I rescued
his daughter's rabbit.
Yes, David is David's rabbit
rescuer.
Thank you very much, David.
Which brings us to our final round -
Quickfire Lies.
And we start with...
It's Jo Brand.
This box contains everything
I need to play my family's
favourite festive game.
All right, so could you now take
the contents out
and put them onto the desk, please?
Oh, well, it's...it's...it's
a plastic cup.
Water.
Pen there. Sheet of paper.
Yeah. Well, it looks exciting.
What you do is you get the glass...
I'm a bit nervous about what
you're going to do.
All right. Hello!
You come up with, like,
the category.
A category. Yes. Yes.
Ah! Sorry!
I've got a cramp in my foot.
Just bear with me a minute.
Like diseases of the knee...
Keep thinking, keep thinking.
LAUGHTER
You all right? That's better,
thank you. Carry on.
So, you come up with a category.
Yeah, so, and I kind of start the
game off, so I think of something
in that category and I write
that down on a bit of paper.
Yes. You have got to come up
with something from the category.
Yes. Which is trees.
So, you each say a tree.
And if anyone says the tree
that I have written on the paper,
I throw this over them.
Oh, let's play it.
Let's play it.
We'll give you a category.
The category is...
..things you might find
in a Christmas dinner.
So, food items in
a Christmas dinner.
Right, now, fold the paper up.
Don't let them see it. OK.
OK, now, Jo, Lee and Joe Swash
are your sons.
They've come home... No, no, no, no!
They're back from the youth
detention centre...
Would you like my friend Robert to
play? My mum says you can play.
Thanks. We're all playing the game.
Oh, hang on a minute.
No, wait a minute.
I'm told that... I'm being told
that my desk is not waterproof.
Oh, yeah... No, seriously.
But theirs is. Oh, yes...
Hang on, I'm being told...
..now, my desk also... I'm so
sorry...
I'm just being told
my skin is soluble.
I'm telling you the truth,
that's what they're telling me.
So, remember now, boys, the category
is things in a Christmas dinner.
Get ready. Here we go.
Let's get the tension, OK?
Lee Mack, something you'd find
in a Christmas dinner.
OK, I'm going to go for a...
..nut roast.
Ooh, the tension there
when he said it.
OK, Joe Swash.
A Brussels sprout.
Ooh!
Oh, it's back to Lee.
This is unbearable.
RUTH: This is a great game!
LEE: Unbearable.
I'm going to go for a carrot.
Oh! Joe Swash. Pigs in blankets.
Oh! Lee!
GASPING AND OOHING
Turkey!
RELIEVED LAUGHTER
Joe Swash.
This is an unbelievably
stressful game.
Yorkshire pudding.
DAVID: What are you talking about?
Yorkshire pudding?!
JOE: I have Yorkshire pudding
on my Christmas dinner!
Only cos he set the sat nav
for Brussels sprouts!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Gravy.
He said, gravy.
Gravy. Lee Mack.
Cranberry sauce!
Joe Swash. Bit of turkey.
He said turkey!
THEY SQUABBLE
OK, I'll go with some carrots.
He's already said carrots!
THEY SQUABBLE
All right, I'll go with stuffing.
CHEERING
LEE CHEERS
So... That's the happiest thing
that's ever happened to me.
Was that game genuinely something
that Jo plays,
or did she just make it up?
Truth or lie?
Even if it's not, to come up
with that on the spot is brilliant.
I'm playing that on Christmas Day.
It's a brilliant game.
If Jo invented that game
in the last few seconds,
reading off a card, well, then
she'd be a genius.
OK, so, what's it going to be?
Truth or lie?
We're going to say true.
OK, Jo, this incredible
Christmas game.
Oh, my God. Truth or lie?
It's...
..true.
Yes, it's true.
Jo does play the game every Christmas.
BUZZER
Oh, and that noise signals time
is up, it's the end of the show.
I can reveal that Lee's team
have won 3-2.
Thanks for watching, we'll see you
next time. Goodnight!