Workaholics (2011–2017): Season 4, Episode 7 - We Be Clownin' - full transcript
The guys become children party clowns to pay for a pool slide.
Go!
Yeah!
Up!
Go!
Yeah!
[Grunting]
Both: Oh!
Go!
Hi-yo!
Sonic boom!
[Shouting indistinctly]
Go!
Oh!
The Professor!
What? What? What?
Stop him?
You can barely hope to contain him!
Uh-oh.
I got it.
I got my gun, baby.
Boom, boom, boom, boom.
Oh, my God, you guys.
Wood.
Yeah.
Now let's go.
You don't get it.
It's not just wood.
Oh, no.
It's a sick rooftop waterslide baby
that hasn't even been born yet.
- Oh!
- Right?
All right.
Okay, Ders bounce-passes
the ball to Blake.
Blake catches it midair,
who then passes it back to Ders,
catching it midair,
who underhands the ball back to me.
At this junction I will bomb
down the slide,
catchin' it midair!
Tomahawk slam dunk starting now.
Go!
Ooh, baby!
[Screams]
Ooh, ah, man!
That tickled.
I got a little bit of a splinter.
I'm gonna go tweeze it out.
Feels like a biggie.
You guys want any bop-pops?
I'm good.
Okay, no bop-pops.
When we're done sanding this sucker,
it's gonna be slick butthole.
It's gonna be like a B.P.
oil spill up in this bitch.
But instead of, like, dead seals,
we'll have a lot of Jessica biels...
All oily, just floppin'
all down the slide.
- Totally.
- Totally, man.
I mean, it's gonna be like
a landmark of the neighborhood,
kind of like that old tree
that's up the block
that looks like it has, like,
a nappy coochie.
Yup, or that doughnut
that's on the roof
in the Snoop Dogg video.
- Hey, guys.
- Yeah?
I'm done.
I don't want to do this anymore.
I know. Okay.
My muscles and my brain hurts.
I vote we forget about the slide,
and we go smoke weed about it
and forget about all of
our troubles, starting now.
What if we, uh,
post the job online, right?
What is that thing?
TaskRabbit?
You just put a job up,
and then somebody bids on it.
Somebody could do it on the cheap.
Okay. Yeah.
- I mean, I love that idea.
- Right?
I hate workin' to get stuff done.
You know?
It's like, um, "this is stupid."
What is brickleberry?
Oh, nice.
[Laughs]
Wow.
Who would have known?
[Cell phone chimes]
Oh, got a bid on the TaskRabbit.
Oh, are you kiddin' me?
Whoa.
$150.
- $150?
- Yeah.
What are we, the rockefellers'
record company...
Rockafella?
What if we just
TaskRabbit a job ourselves?
You know, make some dough,
pass it on to the guy
sandin' our slide?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay. All right.
- See what we got.
- What else do they have?
Um, clean someone's gutters?
[Both groaning]
Okay. All right.
Uh, walk cats.
[Both groaning]
That one doesn't even seem real.
Build an Ikea desk.
[Groaning]
Can you tell how much
I hate that one?
- So that's a no.
- I hate this game.
Just give me that.
I bet there's some
cool jobs on there.
There's not.
I just looked.
Let me see. See?
You got to be creative.
You got to think outside the bun.
- [Sighs]
- Let's see.
Ah! There! There we go.
Look at that.
Entertainment for an eight-year-old's
- birthday party, huh?
- Us?
Yeah!
Are you...
What would we even do?
We'll be clowns!
I bet I'd be so good at 69-ing.
I know you will be.
Thanks, man.
Want to know how I know?
- No.
- I'm not tellin'.
- [Laughs]
- Oh, bully.
Okay!
Time to gather around
and watch the tallest clown
in the world
hypnotize your parents into
doing wacky and wild things.
So perhaps the woman in blue
would be so kind as to join me.
Ooh.
[All clapping]
Time to be hypnotized.
Now, if you would just take
some deep breaths...
Prepare your body.
[Breathes in]
Nice, and...
She's asleep!
[Laughter]
Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!
Hey, Nurse Jackie,
you're a nurse, right?
I need you to help me with somethin'.
[Laughter]
Well, you can't kill stupid, stupid.
[Gasps]
Wait, what?
Who you callin' stupid, dummy?
You're the dummy, dummy.
Oh, ow!
Zoinks!
[Laughter]
I love you, Nurse Jackie.
All: Aw!
[Laughs]
That was so cute.
You're a tiger!
You're a toad!
Ribbit!
Who is this?
He's an owl!
Zoinks!
I'd rather be a dummy than an idiot.
I love you, Jackie!
You love me too, right?
No.
I love Jackie.
Okay.
Get off.
Get off.
Sit down.
Now, why don't we see if mommy
could wind her body like a snake?
And she's awake!
Whoa!
I'm on stilts.
They think Nurse Jackie's real.
Guess what?
I'm real.
I'm a real boy.
- Jeez!
- Whoa.
Ew.
What's that smell?
We're off the clock, kid.
Go, um, suck your mom's [Bleep]
for me.
[Laughter]
Jeez.
I thought it was a miniature cop.
Uh, uh...
We ghost ridin'.
We ghost ridin'.
How you like me now?
Pow!
No, no, no, no, what do you mean
this doesn't look like
Dimebag Darrell?
Do you even, like,
know anything about Pantera?
I'm dying!
[Groans]
Oh, Jackie!
Oh, no!
Maybe it's just your time to go...
Straight to hell!
[All screaming]
Is the, uh, hypnotism show
gonna start soon?
Oh, yeah.
Sorry about that.
Um, when I clap my hands,
you're gonna be a loser dad
that walks away.
You suck [Bleep].
[Laughs]
Prove it.
And the way you use the puppet,
you were like a modern-day
Jeff Dunham.
Yeah.
Were you wearing stilts or not?
- Still haven't figured it out.
- Oh, well...
No, the kids were...
They were, like, all...
"How... he can't be that tall.
That's not even humanly possible."
Thank you.
And let's not forget
big-ballin' Blake over here
with your artwork, dude.
Stop. Stop.
I'm just glad somebody
finally appreciates it,
because I think it's horrible.
I'm always tryin' to throw it away,
but it's cool that, like,
parents and, like, dumb kids,
like, get it and... and love it.
Well, you know,
it's fun while it lasted.
- Yeah, it is.
- Yo, Blake.
It might not be over.
Apparently we made it onto
Rancho Kidzamunga.
It's a blog about
all thing kids in the R.C.
Hey, that's us!
- [Laughs]
- Oh, we're famous!
- Yeah.
- Yes! Yes!
That's crazy.
I always knew I'd be famous, dude.
Hang on.
Shh for a second.
- I always knew I'd be famous.
- Hello?
I'm about to bang a Kardashian.
Yes, we be clownin'.
They're callin' about us for a party!
- [Gasping]
- [Laughs]
We're definitely available.
Oh! Oh!
- Twins?
- We did it.
- Oh, we did it!
- Okay.
7:00 it is.
Thank you.
Should we celebrate some good times?
- Come on.
- I would love to, man.
What, are you gonna turn on the radio
or pandora or somethin'?
- Nope.
- Let's jam.
How about we sip
some of daddy's brew, baby?
Oh, you dirty dog.
Nice.
No, I like that...
We've got this city
by the balls, boys.
We're bein' naughty!
[Laughs]
Oh, my God.
Shh.
Quiet cheers.
Quiet cheers.
Quiet cheers.
We should rent a Miata.
All: Miata!
Whoo!
Boof, boof, boof, boof, boof!
Welcome to the Miata life!
Let's just go till the tank runs out.
All: Wesley Snipes!
Wesley Snipes!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
{pub}Whoa, boys.
Mega-sale at Burlington Coat Factory?
[Laughs]
No.
We hit the bar.
The denim bar.
We livin' that snipe life now.
Basically we dress like
Wesley Snipes now
'cause we can afford to
with our side jobs.
That's good for you,
but you still have to work
at this job.
Oh, don't make me go
full-blown clown on your ass.
Okay, I don't even want
to know what that means.
What he's tryin' to tell you
is that you are looking
at Rancho Cucamonga's
Premier Clown Troupe.
What you are experiencing right now
is called troupe envy.
Well, you're about to experience
my heel in your manhole
if you don't get on the phones now,
and please, try to dress
like losers who work here.
Thanks.
- I thought we looked cool.
- Yeah.
We look very solid.
We look... yeah.
We look cool.
Hey, if you guys are available,
my niece is having a birthday.
- $150 a pop.
- Mm-hmm.
But we'll give you
the friends and family.
- $100 and no photos.
- Okay.
Also this list of things
that we want.
- Yup.
- The pickles can be midget.
But the cheetos better be puffy.
That's right.
[Groans]
Oh!
What's up, man?
[Groans]
Vodka-slurpee brain freeze.
- [Laughs]
- Oh, that hit me hard.
Must reheat body with taquito.
- [Laughs]
- Aw, yeah.
Here, Dersey, baby, take a gulp.
No can do, buddy.
I'm the captain of this Miata ship,
and I take the Miata lives
very seriously.
Miata lives.
I love feelin' the Miata life.
- Yup.
- It's natural, man.
Oh, we should stop at
this gas station up here
and get some king cobras.
Make some king cobra slurpees
out of it.
- Oh, yeah.
- That would be delicious.
Oh, my God.
Dude, you just gave me the best idea
for our grand finale
for tomorrow's party.
No kidding?
I'm talkin' something
that's gonna make these kids
palooge their shorts.
- [Laughs]
- I'm gonna call Karl.
♪ We're in a Mazda Miata
♪ it's definitely not a Honda
whoo!
[Horn blaring]
- Whoa!
- Whoopsie-Daisy.
Are we there?
We're okay.
Home run!
[Laughs]
All right.
Slam dunk.
Oh!
I'm not sayin' that we should buy
that specific strip club.
I'm sayin' that
we should buy a strip club,
like as an investment
instead of the slide, you know?
Yes.
Parlay the money into something real.
I'm with that.
I just think it'd be better served
as campaign funds for me
to go for...
For city council, dude.
Because then it's, like,
I'll get you permits
for a full-nude, full-bar...
Boobs and booze.
That's boo...
Boobs and booze, man!
That's right.
And butts too!
That's...
- Yes...
- What are you guys doing?
Oh, my God.
Have you been drinking?
Hey, where's the birthday girl?
I got a special surprise for her.
What, are you crazy?
You're two hours late.
- And I've already replaced you.
- You replaced this?
[Laughs]
Yeah, come on.
We're the best birthday bunch
in all that...
- Of this land.
- Yeah.
Yeah. That is true.
Plus who... who could you
possibly get?
- What do they do?
- Well, his name's TK.
And he's the original birthday
king of Rancho Cucamonga,
so I think he can do a lot.
Oh, my God.
Who's that?
Should we know who that is?
I think you guys should just go home.
All right?
I'll see you at work.
Yeah, right.
We're not going anywhere.
Will the birthday girl
please come on up here
and make a wish?
[All clapping]
Aw, doesn't June look so pretty
on her ninth birthday?
So pretty I could sing about it.
Whoo! Come on!
♪ Little junebug,
look at what you've done ♪
That's beautiful.
♪ Broke up the clouds
♪ and then you brought out
the sun, baby ♪
Custom songs?
Cool Aladdin pants?
No.
Those are hammer pants, dude.
♪ Do-do-do-do-do-do-do
that is an Aladdin vest, though.
- Yes.
- I'll admit that.
♪ You, whoa, oh, baby
♪ my little junebug
whoa.
That's really good.
♪ Now how old are you?
♪ I think you're nine years old ♪
What's your wish, sweetie?
June just asked me to dunk, y'all.
[All clapping]
And genie said...
"Dunk, TK.
Dunk."
What?
What's up?
[Gasps]
- Oh, my God!
- What?
- Whoa.
- That's our thing! We dunk!
Dude, why didn't we think of this?
We're dunkers!
We should have dunked.
Clowns don't dunk.
That's like a known rule.
Oh, no.
That is not a known rule.
Because I'm about ready
to dunk my foot
in that dude's butt,
unless he likes that, in which case,
I'll think of something
even worse than that.
- Hey!
- Happy Birthday, June!
We are the birthday party clowns.
Who wants to get their little face
- painted like a monkey?
- No one.
Who you callin' a dummy, dummy?
Pfft, oh.
Who and nts to see
the tallest clown in the world
hypnotize your mommy or daddy
into bark...
Okay, this doesn't work
when you're here.
Hey, I heard you guys
are great at what you do,
but I guess they needed
someone to cover, so I...
Well, guess what?
We're here now, okay?
So how about you get on
your magic carpet and...
And fly with a woman
and have her not close her eyes
'cause I know the words!
- Hey!
- You're not special!
I know the words
to a lot of Disney tracks!
- Okay.
- And musicals.
Okay, you guys are making a scene,
and I don't think the kids
want you here, so please...
- [Laughs]
- Ooh, yeah.
The kids don't want us here.
- They don't want us here.
- Okay.
- We know kids, okay?
- Yeah.
I think they're gonna want us here
when they see our grand finale, kids!
What grand finale?
- [Laughs]
- Get ready.
- You're gonna love it.
- Me and the dudes...
We are going to fight a cobra!
[All cheering]
What? No. No.
That's crazy.
Go!
You guys are gone. Go.
[All booing]
You know what?
Fine, Jillian.
That's okay, but remember,
you're the one
who made these kids cry.
TK, you can have this one, playboy.
Jillian, we don't need your charity.
We got the whopper of all
birthday parties tomorrow, man.
The richest dude in Rancho,
Rick Messina from Messina Theaters.
You heard of it?
The famous theater chain.
It had Blank Check there as a kid,
so it really means a lot to me.
Yeah, well, she knows
who Rick Messina is
because I'm Rick Messina,
and after seeing whatever that was,
I've got TK
playin' my kids party now.
I can't wait to have you
at the Ponderosa, man.
Your voice is amazing.
We don't need to do your stupid thing
'cause we're livin' Miata life.
That's right!
We have a Miata!
- Uh...
- Wait.
Cookie!
Smash!
Tony, punch TK
in the stomach.
[Laughter]
That's why I don't want a kid, man.
- They're dumb.
- It is what it is.
Whoa, what are you...
What are you doing?
Your card bounced.
We lojacked the car,
and we're taking it back.
Bu... but it's our Miata!
Miata life!
Okay.
See you.
That's it.
You, out of the car now.
Let's do this.
Mano-a-mano!
Come on!
Let's fight, bud!
If you're a man, you'll fight him.
You as a man
should fight him as a man!
- Fight this man!
- Be a man! Fight the man!
Come on, boy.
I'm ready for this, man!
Come on!
Old-fashioned man fight!
Come on, boy!
I'm a solider, dog.
- Come on.
- He's a soldier.
Let's do this!
Like I told you.
I'm psyched, bro.
Come on.
No.
[Tires squeal]
{pub}- Guys.
- Man.
- It's real.
- Dinosaur pool toy!
This guy's incredibly rich.
He must have, like,
thousands of dollars.
All right.
Everybody gather around.
Gather around. All right.
All right.
Whoo!
All right, Tony.
The genie in the lamp
granted your first wish.
A song just for you!
♪ Little Tony boy
♪ whoo,
look at what you've done ♪
That- he same exact song
he did earlier.
- That's not just for him.
- It's just a different name.
Well, he's human after all.
Mexican-human, maybe.
Yeah, and takin' our jobs.
- Whoa.
- Whoa, man.
No.
No, no, no.
- You sound like your dad.
- I'm not saying that.
He's literally taking our jobs...
Mexican or not, whatever.
Plus with the whole Aladdin thing,
I'm sure he's middle eastern.
He's Greek-Samoan.
That's obvious.
All right?
Now, I'm going in.
It's time to make sure TK's next dunk
is a real showstopper.
That was a cool line, dude.
Yeah. Thanks. Yeah.
I've been watchin' a lot
of '80s movies lately.
Yeah, it was like
an action movie exit line.
Good luck.
You look cool.
[Scatting]
♪ Tony, do-do-do-do
♪ whoo, do-do-do-do
♪ Tony, Tony, Tony,
it's his birthday ♪
♪ 'cause everybody's here
having fun ♪
♪ Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony
whoo!
Shut up!
Shh!
- Wish number two...
- Aw, man.
It's showtime, baby!
Who wants to see me dunk
this gold basketball?
[All cheering]
I wish you break your leg.
I wish you die.
All right, Tony.
Now, let's hear you make the wish,
and I'll ask the genie in the lamp
if he'll allow me to dunk.
My wish to genie
is that I get to dunk the ball!
That's my boy!
- No, no, no, no, no!
- Go, Tony!
[All gasping]
Oh!
- Ow!
- Tony!
[Cries]
It hurts! Ow!
I wish the pain would go away!
Please, genie!
Make the pain go away!
Jesus, TK!
You could have killed him!
Pack up this stuff!
The party's over!
- Ow.
- It's over!
Ow! Ow!
[Laughs]
- Whoo!
- Cobra!
Oh, the kids are gonna love this.
Cobra time.
I'm never gonna recommend you...
Oh, check this out.
Do another kid's party ever,
you R&B-singin' basketball-dunkin'
Aladdin impersonator!
I'm really sorry, sir,
but I could really, really use
that money.
Save it.
You're lucky I don't sue you.
Now get out of here!
This guy's never gonna work
in this town again.
- And now TK has got a...
- Bitch...
He's got to get in his little-ass car
that looks like
he's, like, living in.
With his wife and, uh, baby.
This just got double icky for me.
We ruined this dude's life.
I'll take care of it.
- Watch this.
- Wait, hey!
TK, what's up, man?
You must be Jasmine.
Good to meet you.
How do I say this?
Are you Mexican?
- What are you... come on.
- No, stop.
Are you, though?
Because we argued about it.
We're here to tell you
that we're sorry
because we're the ones
who cut the Springs
on your trampoline.
Well, we thought you were...
You were gonna break your face open,
but, you know, it's just...
Keep it gang related,
and lil' man got in the way.
Like, the little kid
ended up really hurting himself,
but we thought it was gonna be you.
- Yeah.
- Supposed to be me?
We wanted to hurt you.
Y'all could have killed that kid,
and I lost $200 on top of that!
To feed my seed!
To give my girl a proper home!
We ruined that kid's birthday,
and you only get so many.
It's fine.
He's a kid.
He'll have other birthdays, right?
Y'all think everyone
has a birthday, huh?
- Yes, I do.
- Yes.
- Well, when's mine?
- Uh, November.
- Nope.
- July.
Nope.
I love this game.
August.
I don't have one!
I never have.
Moms couldn't afford it.
I don't even know
how old I am, y'all.
I be... I be tellin' my people
I'm 19 and [Bleep].
- Oh, that's wrong.
- You're not 19.
Yeah.
You are not 19.
Yeah.
At least...
Both: 38?
- Whoa.
- Yeah.
What's up...
We're, like, best friends.
Yeah.
We're best friends.
- He's cool too.
- Thanks.
Helpin' these kids
celebrate their birthdays
was all I had, and now that's gone.
That's really sad actually.
- Hey.
- Yeah.
Today!
- Today is your birthday.
- How do you know?
'Cause we're gonna make it
your birthday right now!
'Cause we're gonna entertain you!
How does that sound?
It's not my birthday.
Sure it is!
What do you say you see
our never-before-seen
grand finale? Huh?
You're gonna like this, dude.
Birthday boy!
[Laughs]
We fight a cobra!
Oh!
Ladies and gentlemen...
There's no snake in there.
Oh, [Bleep].
{pub}Hey, dude,
are you finished with the slide yet?
All done, y'all!
And thanks again for the cash
and lettin' my girl clean up inside.
Our pleasure, TK.
Also, pretty cool to have a chick
showering in our bathroom.
That was cool.
- We're good to go?
- Yeah.
Okay, so Ders bounce-passes
the ball over to Blake.
Blake then catches it midair,
passin' it back to Ders.
Ders will catch the ball midair,
underhand passes it over to TK.
TK will volleyball bump it up to me.
At that junction,
I will bomb down this slide,
catching the ball mid-[Bleep]-air!
Tomahawk slam dunk!
Here we go!
Whoo!
Whoo!
Whoo!
No!
Oh!
Whoa.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my.
[Laughs]
I almost died.
This really is
a really dangerous idea.
What do you say we just get back
to our roots, right?
Smokin' weed and drinkin' beers.
- TK, you get high?
- [Laughs]
I ain't homeless for no reason,
y'all.
That makes sense to me.
Yeah!
Up!
Go!
Yeah!
[Grunting]
Both: Oh!
Go!
Hi-yo!
Sonic boom!
[Shouting indistinctly]
Go!
Oh!
The Professor!
What? What? What?
Stop him?
You can barely hope to contain him!
Uh-oh.
I got it.
I got my gun, baby.
Boom, boom, boom, boom.
Oh, my God, you guys.
Wood.
Yeah.
Now let's go.
You don't get it.
It's not just wood.
Oh, no.
It's a sick rooftop waterslide baby
that hasn't even been born yet.
- Oh!
- Right?
All right.
Okay, Ders bounce-passes
the ball to Blake.
Blake catches it midair,
who then passes it back to Ders,
catching it midair,
who underhands the ball back to me.
At this junction I will bomb
down the slide,
catchin' it midair!
Tomahawk slam dunk starting now.
Go!
Ooh, baby!
[Screams]
Ooh, ah, man!
That tickled.
I got a little bit of a splinter.
I'm gonna go tweeze it out.
Feels like a biggie.
You guys want any bop-pops?
I'm good.
Okay, no bop-pops.
When we're done sanding this sucker,
it's gonna be slick butthole.
It's gonna be like a B.P.
oil spill up in this bitch.
But instead of, like, dead seals,
we'll have a lot of Jessica biels...
All oily, just floppin'
all down the slide.
- Totally.
- Totally, man.
I mean, it's gonna be like
a landmark of the neighborhood,
kind of like that old tree
that's up the block
that looks like it has, like,
a nappy coochie.
Yup, or that doughnut
that's on the roof
in the Snoop Dogg video.
- Hey, guys.
- Yeah?
I'm done.
I don't want to do this anymore.
I know. Okay.
My muscles and my brain hurts.
I vote we forget about the slide,
and we go smoke weed about it
and forget about all of
our troubles, starting now.
What if we, uh,
post the job online, right?
What is that thing?
TaskRabbit?
You just put a job up,
and then somebody bids on it.
Somebody could do it on the cheap.
Okay. Yeah.
- I mean, I love that idea.
- Right?
I hate workin' to get stuff done.
You know?
It's like, um, "this is stupid."
What is brickleberry?
Oh, nice.
[Laughs]
Wow.
Who would have known?
[Cell phone chimes]
Oh, got a bid on the TaskRabbit.
Oh, are you kiddin' me?
Whoa.
$150.
- $150?
- Yeah.
What are we, the rockefellers'
record company...
Rockafella?
What if we just
TaskRabbit a job ourselves?
You know, make some dough,
pass it on to the guy
sandin' our slide?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay. All right.
- See what we got.
- What else do they have?
Um, clean someone's gutters?
[Both groaning]
Okay. All right.
Uh, walk cats.
[Both groaning]
That one doesn't even seem real.
Build an Ikea desk.
[Groaning]
Can you tell how much
I hate that one?
- So that's a no.
- I hate this game.
Just give me that.
I bet there's some
cool jobs on there.
There's not.
I just looked.
Let me see. See?
You got to be creative.
You got to think outside the bun.
- [Sighs]
- Let's see.
Ah! There! There we go.
Look at that.
Entertainment for an eight-year-old's
- birthday party, huh?
- Us?
Yeah!
Are you...
What would we even do?
We'll be clowns!
I bet I'd be so good at 69-ing.
I know you will be.
Thanks, man.
Want to know how I know?
- No.
- I'm not tellin'.
- [Laughs]
- Oh, bully.
Okay!
Time to gather around
and watch the tallest clown
in the world
hypnotize your parents into
doing wacky and wild things.
So perhaps the woman in blue
would be so kind as to join me.
Ooh.
[All clapping]
Time to be hypnotized.
Now, if you would just take
some deep breaths...
Prepare your body.
[Breathes in]
Nice, and...
She's asleep!
[Laughter]
Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!
Hey, Nurse Jackie,
you're a nurse, right?
I need you to help me with somethin'.
[Laughter]
Well, you can't kill stupid, stupid.
[Gasps]
Wait, what?
Who you callin' stupid, dummy?
You're the dummy, dummy.
Oh, ow!
Zoinks!
[Laughter]
I love you, Nurse Jackie.
All: Aw!
[Laughs]
That was so cute.
You're a tiger!
You're a toad!
Ribbit!
Who is this?
He's an owl!
Zoinks!
I'd rather be a dummy than an idiot.
I love you, Jackie!
You love me too, right?
No.
I love Jackie.
Okay.
Get off.
Get off.
Sit down.
Now, why don't we see if mommy
could wind her body like a snake?
And she's awake!
Whoa!
I'm on stilts.
They think Nurse Jackie's real.
Guess what?
I'm real.
I'm a real boy.
- Jeez!
- Whoa.
Ew.
What's that smell?
We're off the clock, kid.
Go, um, suck your mom's [Bleep]
for me.
[Laughter]
Jeez.
I thought it was a miniature cop.
Uh, uh...
We ghost ridin'.
We ghost ridin'.
How you like me now?
Pow!
No, no, no, no, what do you mean
this doesn't look like
Dimebag Darrell?
Do you even, like,
know anything about Pantera?
I'm dying!
[Groans]
Oh, Jackie!
Oh, no!
Maybe it's just your time to go...
Straight to hell!
[All screaming]
Is the, uh, hypnotism show
gonna start soon?
Oh, yeah.
Sorry about that.
Um, when I clap my hands,
you're gonna be a loser dad
that walks away.
You suck [Bleep].
[Laughs]
Prove it.
And the way you use the puppet,
you were like a modern-day
Jeff Dunham.
Yeah.
Were you wearing stilts or not?
- Still haven't figured it out.
- Oh, well...
No, the kids were...
They were, like, all...
"How... he can't be that tall.
That's not even humanly possible."
Thank you.
And let's not forget
big-ballin' Blake over here
with your artwork, dude.
Stop. Stop.
I'm just glad somebody
finally appreciates it,
because I think it's horrible.
I'm always tryin' to throw it away,
but it's cool that, like,
parents and, like, dumb kids,
like, get it and... and love it.
Well, you know,
it's fun while it lasted.
- Yeah, it is.
- Yo, Blake.
It might not be over.
Apparently we made it onto
Rancho Kidzamunga.
It's a blog about
all thing kids in the R.C.
Hey, that's us!
- [Laughs]
- Oh, we're famous!
- Yeah.
- Yes! Yes!
That's crazy.
I always knew I'd be famous, dude.
Hang on.
Shh for a second.
- I always knew I'd be famous.
- Hello?
I'm about to bang a Kardashian.
Yes, we be clownin'.
They're callin' about us for a party!
- [Gasping]
- [Laughs]
We're definitely available.
Oh! Oh!
- Twins?
- We did it.
- Oh, we did it!
- Okay.
7:00 it is.
Thank you.
Should we celebrate some good times?
- Come on.
- I would love to, man.
What, are you gonna turn on the radio
or pandora or somethin'?
- Nope.
- Let's jam.
How about we sip
some of daddy's brew, baby?
Oh, you dirty dog.
Nice.
No, I like that...
We've got this city
by the balls, boys.
We're bein' naughty!
[Laughs]
Oh, my God.
Shh.
Quiet cheers.
Quiet cheers.
Quiet cheers.
We should rent a Miata.
All: Miata!
Whoo!
Boof, boof, boof, boof, boof!
Welcome to the Miata life!
Let's just go till the tank runs out.
All: Wesley Snipes!
Wesley Snipes!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
{pub}Whoa, boys.
Mega-sale at Burlington Coat Factory?
[Laughs]
No.
We hit the bar.
The denim bar.
We livin' that snipe life now.
Basically we dress like
Wesley Snipes now
'cause we can afford to
with our side jobs.
That's good for you,
but you still have to work
at this job.
Oh, don't make me go
full-blown clown on your ass.
Okay, I don't even want
to know what that means.
What he's tryin' to tell you
is that you are looking
at Rancho Cucamonga's
Premier Clown Troupe.
What you are experiencing right now
is called troupe envy.
Well, you're about to experience
my heel in your manhole
if you don't get on the phones now,
and please, try to dress
like losers who work here.
Thanks.
- I thought we looked cool.
- Yeah.
We look very solid.
We look... yeah.
We look cool.
Hey, if you guys are available,
my niece is having a birthday.
- $150 a pop.
- Mm-hmm.
But we'll give you
the friends and family.
- $100 and no photos.
- Okay.
Also this list of things
that we want.
- Yup.
- The pickles can be midget.
But the cheetos better be puffy.
That's right.
[Groans]
Oh!
What's up, man?
[Groans]
Vodka-slurpee brain freeze.
- [Laughs]
- Oh, that hit me hard.
Must reheat body with taquito.
- [Laughs]
- Aw, yeah.
Here, Dersey, baby, take a gulp.
No can do, buddy.
I'm the captain of this Miata ship,
and I take the Miata lives
very seriously.
Miata lives.
I love feelin' the Miata life.
- Yup.
- It's natural, man.
Oh, we should stop at
this gas station up here
and get some king cobras.
Make some king cobra slurpees
out of it.
- Oh, yeah.
- That would be delicious.
Oh, my God.
Dude, you just gave me the best idea
for our grand finale
for tomorrow's party.
No kidding?
I'm talkin' something
that's gonna make these kids
palooge their shorts.
- [Laughs]
- I'm gonna call Karl.
♪ We're in a Mazda Miata
♪ it's definitely not a Honda
whoo!
[Horn blaring]
- Whoa!
- Whoopsie-Daisy.
Are we there?
We're okay.
Home run!
[Laughs]
All right.
Slam dunk.
Oh!
I'm not sayin' that we should buy
that specific strip club.
I'm sayin' that
we should buy a strip club,
like as an investment
instead of the slide, you know?
Yes.
Parlay the money into something real.
I'm with that.
I just think it'd be better served
as campaign funds for me
to go for...
For city council, dude.
Because then it's, like,
I'll get you permits
for a full-nude, full-bar...
Boobs and booze.
That's boo...
Boobs and booze, man!
That's right.
And butts too!
That's...
- Yes...
- What are you guys doing?
Oh, my God.
Have you been drinking?
Hey, where's the birthday girl?
I got a special surprise for her.
What, are you crazy?
You're two hours late.
- And I've already replaced you.
- You replaced this?
[Laughs]
Yeah, come on.
We're the best birthday bunch
in all that...
- Of this land.
- Yeah.
Yeah. That is true.
Plus who... who could you
possibly get?
- What do they do?
- Well, his name's TK.
And he's the original birthday
king of Rancho Cucamonga,
so I think he can do a lot.
Oh, my God.
Who's that?
Should we know who that is?
I think you guys should just go home.
All right?
I'll see you at work.
Yeah, right.
We're not going anywhere.
Will the birthday girl
please come on up here
and make a wish?
[All clapping]
Aw, doesn't June look so pretty
on her ninth birthday?
So pretty I could sing about it.
Whoo! Come on!
♪ Little junebug,
look at what you've done ♪
That's beautiful.
♪ Broke up the clouds
♪ and then you brought out
the sun, baby ♪
Custom songs?
Cool Aladdin pants?
No.
Those are hammer pants, dude.
♪ Do-do-do-do-do-do-do
that is an Aladdin vest, though.
- Yes.
- I'll admit that.
♪ You, whoa, oh, baby
♪ my little junebug
whoa.
That's really good.
♪ Now how old are you?
♪ I think you're nine years old ♪
What's your wish, sweetie?
June just asked me to dunk, y'all.
[All clapping]
And genie said...
"Dunk, TK.
Dunk."
What?
What's up?
[Gasps]
- Oh, my God!
- What?
- Whoa.
- That's our thing! We dunk!
Dude, why didn't we think of this?
We're dunkers!
We should have dunked.
Clowns don't dunk.
That's like a known rule.
Oh, no.
That is not a known rule.
Because I'm about ready
to dunk my foot
in that dude's butt,
unless he likes that, in which case,
I'll think of something
even worse than that.
- Hey!
- Happy Birthday, June!
We are the birthday party clowns.
Who wants to get their little face
- painted like a monkey?
- No one.
Who you callin' a dummy, dummy?
Pfft, oh.
Who and nts to see
the tallest clown in the world
hypnotize your mommy or daddy
into bark...
Okay, this doesn't work
when you're here.
Hey, I heard you guys
are great at what you do,
but I guess they needed
someone to cover, so I...
Well, guess what?
We're here now, okay?
So how about you get on
your magic carpet and...
And fly with a woman
and have her not close her eyes
'cause I know the words!
- Hey!
- You're not special!
I know the words
to a lot of Disney tracks!
- Okay.
- And musicals.
Okay, you guys are making a scene,
and I don't think the kids
want you here, so please...
- [Laughs]
- Ooh, yeah.
The kids don't want us here.
- They don't want us here.
- Okay.
- We know kids, okay?
- Yeah.
I think they're gonna want us here
when they see our grand finale, kids!
What grand finale?
- [Laughs]
- Get ready.
- You're gonna love it.
- Me and the dudes...
We are going to fight a cobra!
[All cheering]
What? No. No.
That's crazy.
Go!
You guys are gone. Go.
[All booing]
You know what?
Fine, Jillian.
That's okay, but remember,
you're the one
who made these kids cry.
TK, you can have this one, playboy.
Jillian, we don't need your charity.
We got the whopper of all
birthday parties tomorrow, man.
The richest dude in Rancho,
Rick Messina from Messina Theaters.
You heard of it?
The famous theater chain.
It had Blank Check there as a kid,
so it really means a lot to me.
Yeah, well, she knows
who Rick Messina is
because I'm Rick Messina,
and after seeing whatever that was,
I've got TK
playin' my kids party now.
I can't wait to have you
at the Ponderosa, man.
Your voice is amazing.
We don't need to do your stupid thing
'cause we're livin' Miata life.
That's right!
We have a Miata!
- Uh...
- Wait.
Cookie!
Smash!
Tony, punch TK
in the stomach.
[Laughter]
That's why I don't want a kid, man.
- They're dumb.
- It is what it is.
Whoa, what are you...
What are you doing?
Your card bounced.
We lojacked the car,
and we're taking it back.
Bu... but it's our Miata!
Miata life!
Okay.
See you.
That's it.
You, out of the car now.
Let's do this.
Mano-a-mano!
Come on!
Let's fight, bud!
If you're a man, you'll fight him.
You as a man
should fight him as a man!
- Fight this man!
- Be a man! Fight the man!
Come on, boy.
I'm ready for this, man!
Come on!
Old-fashioned man fight!
Come on, boy!
I'm a solider, dog.
- Come on.
- He's a soldier.
Let's do this!
Like I told you.
I'm psyched, bro.
Come on.
No.
[Tires squeal]
{pub}- Guys.
- Man.
- It's real.
- Dinosaur pool toy!
This guy's incredibly rich.
He must have, like,
thousands of dollars.
All right.
Everybody gather around.
Gather around. All right.
All right.
Whoo!
All right, Tony.
The genie in the lamp
granted your first wish.
A song just for you!
♪ Little Tony boy
♪ whoo,
look at what you've done ♪
That- he same exact song
he did earlier.
- That's not just for him.
- It's just a different name.
Well, he's human after all.
Mexican-human, maybe.
Yeah, and takin' our jobs.
- Whoa.
- Whoa, man.
No.
No, no, no.
- You sound like your dad.
- I'm not saying that.
He's literally taking our jobs...
Mexican or not, whatever.
Plus with the whole Aladdin thing,
I'm sure he's middle eastern.
He's Greek-Samoan.
That's obvious.
All right?
Now, I'm going in.
It's time to make sure TK's next dunk
is a real showstopper.
That was a cool line, dude.
Yeah. Thanks. Yeah.
I've been watchin' a lot
of '80s movies lately.
Yeah, it was like
an action movie exit line.
Good luck.
You look cool.
[Scatting]
♪ Tony, do-do-do-do
♪ whoo, do-do-do-do
♪ Tony, Tony, Tony,
it's his birthday ♪
♪ 'cause everybody's here
having fun ♪
♪ Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony
whoo!
Shut up!
Shh!
- Wish number two...
- Aw, man.
It's showtime, baby!
Who wants to see me dunk
this gold basketball?
[All cheering]
I wish you break your leg.
I wish you die.
All right, Tony.
Now, let's hear you make the wish,
and I'll ask the genie in the lamp
if he'll allow me to dunk.
My wish to genie
is that I get to dunk the ball!
That's my boy!
- No, no, no, no, no!
- Go, Tony!
[All gasping]
Oh!
- Ow!
- Tony!
[Cries]
It hurts! Ow!
I wish the pain would go away!
Please, genie!
Make the pain go away!
Jesus, TK!
You could have killed him!
Pack up this stuff!
The party's over!
- Ow.
- It's over!
Ow! Ow!
[Laughs]
- Whoo!
- Cobra!
Oh, the kids are gonna love this.
Cobra time.
I'm never gonna recommend you...
Oh, check this out.
Do another kid's party ever,
you R&B-singin' basketball-dunkin'
Aladdin impersonator!
I'm really sorry, sir,
but I could really, really use
that money.
Save it.
You're lucky I don't sue you.
Now get out of here!
This guy's never gonna work
in this town again.
- And now TK has got a...
- Bitch...
He's got to get in his little-ass car
that looks like
he's, like, living in.
With his wife and, uh, baby.
This just got double icky for me.
We ruined this dude's life.
I'll take care of it.
- Watch this.
- Wait, hey!
TK, what's up, man?
You must be Jasmine.
Good to meet you.
How do I say this?
Are you Mexican?
- What are you... come on.
- No, stop.
Are you, though?
Because we argued about it.
We're here to tell you
that we're sorry
because we're the ones
who cut the Springs
on your trampoline.
Well, we thought you were...
You were gonna break your face open,
but, you know, it's just...
Keep it gang related,
and lil' man got in the way.
Like, the little kid
ended up really hurting himself,
but we thought it was gonna be you.
- Yeah.
- Supposed to be me?
We wanted to hurt you.
Y'all could have killed that kid,
and I lost $200 on top of that!
To feed my seed!
To give my girl a proper home!
We ruined that kid's birthday,
and you only get so many.
It's fine.
He's a kid.
He'll have other birthdays, right?
Y'all think everyone
has a birthday, huh?
- Yes, I do.
- Yes.
- Well, when's mine?
- Uh, November.
- Nope.
- July.
Nope.
I love this game.
August.
I don't have one!
I never have.
Moms couldn't afford it.
I don't even know
how old I am, y'all.
I be... I be tellin' my people
I'm 19 and [Bleep].
- Oh, that's wrong.
- You're not 19.
Yeah.
You are not 19.
Yeah.
At least...
Both: 38?
- Whoa.
- Yeah.
What's up...
We're, like, best friends.
Yeah.
We're best friends.
- He's cool too.
- Thanks.
Helpin' these kids
celebrate their birthdays
was all I had, and now that's gone.
That's really sad actually.
- Hey.
- Yeah.
Today!
- Today is your birthday.
- How do you know?
'Cause we're gonna make it
your birthday right now!
'Cause we're gonna entertain you!
How does that sound?
It's not my birthday.
Sure it is!
What do you say you see
our never-before-seen
grand finale? Huh?
You're gonna like this, dude.
Birthday boy!
[Laughs]
We fight a cobra!
Oh!
Ladies and gentlemen...
There's no snake in there.
Oh, [Bleep].
{pub}Hey, dude,
are you finished with the slide yet?
All done, y'all!
And thanks again for the cash
and lettin' my girl clean up inside.
Our pleasure, TK.
Also, pretty cool to have a chick
showering in our bathroom.
That was cool.
- We're good to go?
- Yeah.
Okay, so Ders bounce-passes
the ball over to Blake.
Blake then catches it midair,
passin' it back to Ders.
Ders will catch the ball midair,
underhand passes it over to TK.
TK will volleyball bump it up to me.
At that junction,
I will bomb down this slide,
catching the ball mid-[Bleep]-air!
Tomahawk slam dunk!
Here we go!
Whoo!
Whoo!
Whoo!
No!
Oh!
Whoa.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my.
[Laughs]
I almost died.
This really is
a really dangerous idea.
What do you say we just get back
to our roots, right?
Smokin' weed and drinkin' beers.
- TK, you get high?
- [Laughs]
I ain't homeless for no reason,
y'all.
That makes sense to me.