Wizards of Waverly Place (2007–2012): Season 3, Episode 4 - Three Monsters - full transcript
Justin finds out the monsters he's searching for are Juliet and her family.
Oh, my gosh, she did it.
The vampire took all the jelly
out of this donut.
And no weight gain
because you're dead.
The jelly does kind of
look like blood.
Yeah, that's why vampires
always carry jelly donuts.
- [chuckles] You're awesome.
- I know.
And I don't say that to any
'cause they're all monsters.
I mean, there was
a centaur, a werewolf.
Well, I'm a vampire.
Yeah, but you have
normal feet.
Oh, that's true.
OK, I gotta ask you
something.
Why would someone
be dating my brother?
Well, I find that
cooler than your boyfriend,
he'll never dump you.
[both] Ohh!
OK, now I have a question.
When you turn to a bat,
where do your clothes go?
You know, you're not really
you're going... [screams]
Yeah, well,
when you spend as much time
making dresses
like this...
...you want to know
where they're going.
Wait, that's actually
your dress?
Oh, I thought you were
selling pens, I'm sorry.
[laughs] I know!
[humming] Oh!
- Hey, Juliet.
- Hey.
What are you
doing here?
I really wish
I could hang out,
but I have a ton of
to do, so...studying
No, that's fine.
I with Alex and Harpert
and show them the jelly
donut thing with the...
That was actually
She did the whole...
- With the...? Ah!
- Uh-huh.
You know, I think
are hanging out together.
I mean, my sister,
my girlfriend, and...
Your ex-girlfriend.
It's OK.
You can say it, dear.
- We're all cool here.
- [clears throat]
OK, whatever
you guys do, just, uh,
don't do too much
talking about me.
There's a lot to talk about
but keep it to a minimal...
OK.
- Justin, we're not
talk- [grunts]you!
I was just... I was
just checkin', you know.
Gotta go!
gonna be a breeze *
* Well, you know everything's
* That the end will no doubt
justify the means *
* You can fix any problem
with the slightest of ease *
* Yes, please
it'll go to your head *
* But you might find out
* When you write a report
on a book you never read *
* With the snap of your fingers
you can make your bed *
* That's what I said
* Everything is not
what it seems *
* When you can get all you
wanted in your wildest dreams *
* You might run into trouble
if you go to extremes *
* Because everything
is not what it seems *
* Everything is not
what it seems *
* When you can have what you
want by the simplest of means *
* Be careful not to mess
with the balance of things *
* Because everything is not
* What it seems *
OK, Max,
let's try some spells.
Look, you're my conscience.
You're not the boss of me,
so just tell me what to do
and keep quiet.
OK.
All right, schoolyard spells
sound cute and innocent,
but they can be very dangerous.
That's why you practice them
on a spell dummy.
You're calling me a dummy?
No. I said "spell dummy."
Fine.
D-U...
M-M...
Y.
Now I'm calling you
a dummy.
Good. Now that we've got
that straightened out,
let's get to the spell,
shall we?
Liar, liar,
pants on fire!
[grunts] Max, how many times
have I told you
not to do magic
in the living room!
As many times
as I've done it?
I'm sorry, I've been
on his wizard studies.k
Really? Well, that's great.
What else have you been doing?
He's been tricking me
into spelling things.
Wow! You've been helping him
with his magic and schoolwork?
And don't worry,
he cleans this mess up.
Oh, you're like the son
I don't regret having.
Oh, she means Justin!
[beeping]
Monster hunter
Justin Russo,
on the lookout
for monster activity.
Yeah, you better
just be a hydrant.
[clears throat]
So far, all seems quiet.
- Perhaps a little
- [alarm beeping]
My monster alarm
ruined it!
My monster alarm ruined it!
There's three monsters
I gotta call this in!
Wait!
I sounded panicky!
[deepens voice]
I've got to call this in.
[shrieks]
What was the number?
- Ah!
- [dialing]
Wizard Education Department,
Rudy Tootietootie speaking.
How could I help you?
Uh, yes, this is,
junior monster hunter.
[grunts] I love
the way that sounds!
I would like to report
three unrin my sector, sir.
Three monsters?
That's very good for
a junior monster hunter.
Your mother
must be very proud.
My mother says
my head's too square.
I think your head
svery nicely, sir.rs
Thank you. Now, when your
monster detector went off,
what was the code
that came up?
Uh, I believe
it was the letters
R-U-N.
What does that stand for?
Nothing. It spells "run".
You've got level six monsters
on your hands.
This is well beyond the scope
of your independent study.
We're going to send in
professional monster hunters.
I get to work
wmonster hunters?
[chuckles] Sweet!
We'll send our two best guys
to capture the monsters. What?
Really? They were
swallowed whole?
Yeesh!
We'll send
our second-best guys,
who I guess now officially
are our best guys.
Goodbye.
That kid is gonna be
inside of an hour.
What are we gonna do?
I don't know what to do.
What do I have to do?
Sir, you're still
on the phone with me.
Oh. [laughs]
I wasn't
talking about you.
I was talking about
another bone necklace.
How do I hang
this thing up?!
It sure is quiet in here.
Yeah. When my dad's
out of town,
I sometimes forget
to put the open sign up.
But I'll probably
remember around 3:00,
after everybody out there's
already had lunch.
There's level six monsters
on Waverly Place!
Everyone stay calm.
[groans]
Everyone,
take preparedness plan
that I prepared
in the fifth grade.
No, no, no!
Justin, what's going on?
There's three monsters
on Waverly Place.
I detected them
aMonster Hunter Council.
- Wait. Three monsters?
- Yes!
On Waverly Place?
That's exactly
what I said.
Hey, you know who
you should tell that to?
Your vampire girlfriend
and her two vampire parents
that live on Waverly Place.
You're right!
Because the three monsters
could catch them too!
Just tell him.
You turned in your girlfriend
to the Monster Hunter Council.
What?! [scoffs]
No, I didn't.
[alarm blaring]
Oh, no!
Hey, who wants to see me
empty a calzone?
What's going on?
I...
...accidentally reported
you and your family
- to the Monster Hunter
- You did what?!
Well, hey, let's see you do
that calzone trick... thing.
I... I want to see it.
[nervous chuckle]
Wait, monster hunters
are coming?
They're gonna put me
in monster jail forever!
Which is a long time,
because I live forever.
You finally get a girlfriend
with normal feet
and then you report her to
the Monster Hunter Council?
I'm sorry, Juliet.
that you were a monster.
Because you're so
pretty and smart
and you don't eat spiders
in front of me.
Anymore.
After that one time.
Eww!
I've gotta do something before
the monster hunters get here.
OK, look, look, look!
messed something up,
putting the woman
he loves in danger,
which doesn't surprise me
but curiously affects me
because I kind of
like this girl,
so will everybody
just calm down!
Alex Russo's on it.
Alex, this was my mistake,
she is my girlfriend,
- and I'm gonna fix it.
- No.
After what you did,
that whole girlfriend thing
is hanging by a thread,
so I'll fix it.
We'll fix it.
I'm gonna go block
the portal door
to buy us some time
hunters get here.r
Oh, hey, that's number five
preparedness plan,
but I guess you can skip
a few steps.
Thank you for reading
the plan, Harper.
And there's no future for us.
OK, um...
All right, let's
put our heads together
and think of something.
Grab a marker, ladies.
Let's start writing.
OK, well, we should start
by getting rid of my scent
'cause that's what
the monster hunters are
gonna be coming after.
Mmm, you smell like vanilla.
Yeah, I wear that to disguise
the smell of death and decay.
Well, this dress made of
non-toxic permanent markers
is pretty smelly.
I could make you one.
What are your 50
favorite colors?
Harper, no. We don't
have time for that.
But... we do have time
for this.
I'm rubber, you're glue.
Take her smell
and put it on you.
Great. Now the monster hunters
will be chasing Harper.
- Yes!
- Wait, what?!
Well, what happens
if they catch me?
Oh, no, don't worry.
They'll find out you're a human
impersonating a monster,
and then
they'll throw you back
like a little fish.
I think.
I've got it!
I'm a monster hunter.
They're coming after
three monsters,
so all I have to do
is find three monsters
other than Juliet
and her family.
I fixed it!
No! You just made a plan.
That's not fixing it.
I did something
constructive.
I sent my best friend off
to her possible doom.
Juliet, where did you
get that dress?
You know, actually,
it looks really good
on you.
- Aww!
- You know what?
I was going to be a lady
about this, but let's go!
I want my dress back!
Strip it down, sister!
OK! OK, you guys,
calm down.
We have a couple of hours
to find some monsters
before the actual monster
hunters get here, OK?
- [cell phone rings]
- I gotta get this.
Hello?
Hmm...
Hey there.
I'm Luxor.
This is Dr. Ice.
We're professional
monster hunters.
No, no!
We were actually
recently voted, uh,
- best in the business.
- That's not true.
The other guys
were swallowed whole.
Shh! Everyone loves us!
We're the best.
Someone barricaded
your wizard portal.
We were worried
it might be monsters, so
we came through the phone.
Lucky you guys get pretty good
reception down here.
Sometimes
it's just half of us,
maybe an ankle.
- Whoa, what's going on?
Who are these guys?
- They're monster hunters.
I seem to be picking up
a level six.
Masked with vanilla.
That spells vampire.
Man, I hate those guys.
Their breath is like
a punch in the face!
No. It's on me.
It's all over me.
- [screams]
- Come on, Luxor!
Let's get her!
Max is folding
his own laundry?
You're amazing.
What... What did you do?
Forget it. Just...
Just thank you, thank you.
I'm only doing the folding.
Don't I deserve a hug?
Sure! Maybe later.
I don't want to slow you down.
He also made his bed.
- You found his bed?
- Yep.
I just
peeled back the mold
and there it was.
I'm baking you cookies, dude.
- What do you like?
- Oatmeal.
- I like chocolate chip.
- Shh! Keep folding.
I'm out of oatmeal,
but for you I'm gonna run
to the store.
Max, if you want a snack
there's a pot of beans
on the stove.
[guffaws]
Oh, I know what
you're trying to do.
You're not giving me advice.
You're trying to steal
my mother away from me.
Max, we have the same mother.
I'm your conscience.
Not anymore.
You're fired.
You can't fire me.
Ah, you should've thought
of that before you tried
to steal away my mother.
Look, I'm the third favorite
in this house
and no one
is taking that away.
Max, I can't go anywhere.
Fine. If you're not gonna go,
then I'm gonna do my best
to get away from you
as soon as possible.
As your conscience,
I don't think that's
the right thing to do.
Yeah. You know,
you're probably right.
But I'm doing it
anyway.
OK, are you still mad
at me?
Because I'm about
to go out there
and capture
three new monsters and
might not make it back.
Now you don't
have to say anything,
but if you're mad at me,
you should kiss me.
If you're not mad at me,
you should still kiss me.
[sighs] OK, well, only
because you reminded me
you might not be coming back,
I'll give you a medieval
friendship grip.
Oh.
- Ahem.
- We're in here!
Can't you knock?
[Justin shudders]
Yeah, sorry to interrupt
your weird display
of affection,
but, Justin,
you don't have to go looking
for three more monsters
because I already
found them.
[stammers] Great.
Uh, where are they?
Well, when the monster hunters
eventually catch Harper
they'll realize
that she's not a monster
and they'll bring her
back here where they
will find...
* Ta-da-da-da!
...these three
real monsters!
It was dark in there.
This is never
gonna work, Alex.
You're just upset because
you didn't think of it.
No, I'm upset
because there's only
two things here.
This is FrankenGirl,
a monster I created.
Hi, Daddy! [chuckles]
A robot,
which I also created.
And the third monster
is, oh, look...
Nothing!
This is never gonna work.
Well, you guys
have done a great job
trying to fix this,
but, um...
I'm gonna go hide
because of the great job
you've done
trying to fix this.
Juliet!
- [squeaking]
- I'll make this right,
Juliet, I promise.
[screaming]
Markers, markers,
go away, hey!
All right, good news.
I think I lost them.
You know, you probably
could've ditched that outfit
in the bushes
and then they'd stop
chasing you.
Here's an idea:
next time you want to involve
me in one of your spells,
do something less painful,
like hit me in the head
with a hammer.
- [cell phone rings]
- Oh!
That's me. I gotta get that.
Excuse me, guys.
- [both] No!
- Hello!
Hey! Got here a lot quicker.
You're on speed dial now.
There's the monster.
Blast her!
- Hold on!
- I'm not a monster!
They all say that.
That's a monster trick.
Blast her!
Not a monster.
Sure does smell like
a monster, though.
Yeah. Wow! [sniffs]
You know, maybe it's us.
We've been running around
a ton today.
Well, I guess
we better keep hunting
for the three monsters.
No, you don't, you don't
have to keep hunting,
because they're right here.
Three monsters.
Yep, see?
One... two-three!
OK, you can leave.
Take them. Bye!
[rapid beeping]
- [FrankenGirl chuckles]
- Excellent.
A homemade jobber.
You don't see those
that often.
Oh! [groans]
- [rapid beeping]
- Another monster.
A robot monster
from the future.
So, where's
the third monster?
There's not three?
[chuckles]
I know there's three.
He's around here somewhere.
Invisi-Monster,
where are you,
you invisible... monster?
Here I am!
I'm the monster.
Max, what are you doing?
I'm sick and tired of me
doing all the work
and Mom giving Conscience
all the credit,
so I've decided
to live in a monster jail
for the rest of my life.
As you can see,
I've pretty much
lost control.
Take me away.
- There's your monster! Get him!
- Get him, get him, get him!
- [rapid beeping]
- [buzzer sounds]
That's not a monster,
it's just a boy.
Look, there it is!
Well, a watermelon
with a wig.
I've heard about
these bad boys.
[grunts]
They have to be
put down right away.
Justin, can Luxor and I
speak to you for a second?
Yeah. [clears throat]
I think I know
what's going on here.
- I'm dating a vampire.
- What?
What?!
Nothing!
Vampire bites would hurt.
I mean, owwie!
Look, I was a junior
monster hunter once myself.
You wanted to catch
all three monsters
before we got here
to impress us. I get it.
Yeah, but you only got
two of the monsters
so you tried to
pass off the watermelon
as a third monster.
Genius!
Listen, we're gonna
let it slide this one time.
Could I have your phone?
- Thanks.
- [phone beeps]
Transport. Yeah, we got
a two plus two situation.
Us plus two monsters.
Read the manual!
No, seriously, I think
there is one. OK.
Justin, our fake monsters
just disappeared.
Uh, no, the monster hunters
took them to monster jail.
Great! I'll go tell Juliet.
I'll tell Juliet,
she's my girlfriend.
Well, she's my friend.
[annoyed grunt]
You are friends
with my girlfriend.
Look, I know,
I'm just as freaked out
as you are.
- Let's just not
talk about it.
- OK.
We'll tell her together.
- OK. Fine.
- OK. Fine.
[Alex] No!
It worked!
You guys did it.
I kind of wish I had caught
three real monsters, though.
I would've gotten a trophy.
Well, I guess
my trophy's right here.
do not objectify me.
of the 21st century,
Justin, as a woman
of years before that...
been alive for thousands
But as a woman who's
- [laughs]
- Oh, come here, you!
on the hug there.
your hand's a little low
Hey, uh, Justin,
- No, that's just me.
- Oh.
The vampire took all the jelly
out of this donut.
And no weight gain
because you're dead.
The jelly does kind of
look like blood.
Yeah, that's why vampires
always carry jelly donuts.
- [chuckles] You're awesome.
- I know.
And I don't say that to any
'cause they're all monsters.
I mean, there was
a centaur, a werewolf.
Well, I'm a vampire.
Yeah, but you have
normal feet.
Oh, that's true.
OK, I gotta ask you
something.
Why would someone
be dating my brother?
Well, I find that
cooler than your boyfriend,
he'll never dump you.
[both] Ohh!
OK, now I have a question.
When you turn to a bat,
where do your clothes go?
You know, you're not really
you're going... [screams]
Yeah, well,
when you spend as much time
making dresses
like this...
...you want to know
where they're going.
Wait, that's actually
your dress?
Oh, I thought you were
selling pens, I'm sorry.
[laughs] I know!
[humming] Oh!
- Hey, Juliet.
- Hey.
What are you
doing here?
I really wish
I could hang out,
but I have a ton of
to do, so...studying
No, that's fine.
I with Alex and Harpert
and show them the jelly
donut thing with the...
That was actually
She did the whole...
- With the...? Ah!
- Uh-huh.
You know, I think
are hanging out together.
I mean, my sister,
my girlfriend, and...
Your ex-girlfriend.
It's OK.
You can say it, dear.
- We're all cool here.
- [clears throat]
OK, whatever
you guys do, just, uh,
don't do too much
talking about me.
There's a lot to talk about
but keep it to a minimal...
OK.
- Justin, we're not
talk- [grunts]you!
I was just... I was
just checkin', you know.
Gotta go!
gonna be a breeze *
* Well, you know everything's
* That the end will no doubt
justify the means *
* You can fix any problem
with the slightest of ease *
* Yes, please
it'll go to your head *
* But you might find out
* When you write a report
on a book you never read *
* With the snap of your fingers
you can make your bed *
* That's what I said
* Everything is not
what it seems *
* When you can get all you
wanted in your wildest dreams *
* You might run into trouble
if you go to extremes *
* Because everything
is not what it seems *
* Everything is not
what it seems *
* When you can have what you
want by the simplest of means *
* Be careful not to mess
with the balance of things *
* Because everything is not
* What it seems *
OK, Max,
let's try some spells.
Look, you're my conscience.
You're not the boss of me,
so just tell me what to do
and keep quiet.
OK.
All right, schoolyard spells
sound cute and innocent,
but they can be very dangerous.
That's why you practice them
on a spell dummy.
You're calling me a dummy?
No. I said "spell dummy."
Fine.
D-U...
M-M...
Y.
Now I'm calling you
a dummy.
Good. Now that we've got
that straightened out,
let's get to the spell,
shall we?
Liar, liar,
pants on fire!
[grunts] Max, how many times
have I told you
not to do magic
in the living room!
As many times
as I've done it?
I'm sorry, I've been
on his wizard studies.k
Really? Well, that's great.
What else have you been doing?
He's been tricking me
into spelling things.
Wow! You've been helping him
with his magic and schoolwork?
And don't worry,
he cleans this mess up.
Oh, you're like the son
I don't regret having.
Oh, she means Justin!
[beeping]
Monster hunter
Justin Russo,
on the lookout
for monster activity.
Yeah, you better
just be a hydrant.
[clears throat]
So far, all seems quiet.
- Perhaps a little
- [alarm beeping]
My monster alarm
ruined it!
My monster alarm ruined it!
There's three monsters
I gotta call this in!
Wait!
I sounded panicky!
[deepens voice]
I've got to call this in.
[shrieks]
What was the number?
- Ah!
- [dialing]
Wizard Education Department,
Rudy Tootietootie speaking.
How could I help you?
Uh, yes, this is,
junior monster hunter.
[grunts] I love
the way that sounds!
I would like to report
three unrin my sector, sir.
Three monsters?
That's very good for
a junior monster hunter.
Your mother
must be very proud.
My mother says
my head's too square.
I think your head
svery nicely, sir.rs
Thank you. Now, when your
monster detector went off,
what was the code
that came up?
Uh, I believe
it was the letters
R-U-N.
What does that stand for?
Nothing. It spells "run".
You've got level six monsters
on your hands.
This is well beyond the scope
of your independent study.
We're going to send in
professional monster hunters.
I get to work
wmonster hunters?
[chuckles] Sweet!
We'll send our two best guys
to capture the monsters. What?
Really? They were
swallowed whole?
Yeesh!
We'll send
our second-best guys,
who I guess now officially
are our best guys.
Goodbye.
That kid is gonna be
inside of an hour.
What are we gonna do?
I don't know what to do.
What do I have to do?
Sir, you're still
on the phone with me.
Oh. [laughs]
I wasn't
talking about you.
I was talking about
another bone necklace.
How do I hang
this thing up?!
It sure is quiet in here.
Yeah. When my dad's
out of town,
I sometimes forget
to put the open sign up.
But I'll probably
remember around 3:00,
after everybody out there's
already had lunch.
There's level six monsters
on Waverly Place!
Everyone stay calm.
[groans]
Everyone,
take preparedness plan
that I prepared
in the fifth grade.
No, no, no!
Justin, what's going on?
There's three monsters
on Waverly Place.
I detected them
aMonster Hunter Council.
- Wait. Three monsters?
- Yes!
On Waverly Place?
That's exactly
what I said.
Hey, you know who
you should tell that to?
Your vampire girlfriend
and her two vampire parents
that live on Waverly Place.
You're right!
Because the three monsters
could catch them too!
Just tell him.
You turned in your girlfriend
to the Monster Hunter Council.
What?! [scoffs]
No, I didn't.
[alarm blaring]
Oh, no!
Hey, who wants to see me
empty a calzone?
What's going on?
I...
...accidentally reported
you and your family
- to the Monster Hunter
- You did what?!
Well, hey, let's see you do
that calzone trick... thing.
I... I want to see it.
[nervous chuckle]
Wait, monster hunters
are coming?
They're gonna put me
in monster jail forever!
Which is a long time,
because I live forever.
You finally get a girlfriend
with normal feet
and then you report her to
the Monster Hunter Council?
I'm sorry, Juliet.
that you were a monster.
Because you're so
pretty and smart
and you don't eat spiders
in front of me.
Anymore.
After that one time.
Eww!
I've gotta do something before
the monster hunters get here.
OK, look, look, look!
messed something up,
putting the woman
he loves in danger,
which doesn't surprise me
but curiously affects me
because I kind of
like this girl,
so will everybody
just calm down!
Alex Russo's on it.
Alex, this was my mistake,
she is my girlfriend,
- and I'm gonna fix it.
- No.
After what you did,
that whole girlfriend thing
is hanging by a thread,
so I'll fix it.
We'll fix it.
I'm gonna go block
the portal door
to buy us some time
hunters get here.r
Oh, hey, that's number five
preparedness plan,
but I guess you can skip
a few steps.
Thank you for reading
the plan, Harper.
And there's no future for us.
OK, um...
All right, let's
put our heads together
and think of something.
Grab a marker, ladies.
Let's start writing.
OK, well, we should start
by getting rid of my scent
'cause that's what
the monster hunters are
gonna be coming after.
Mmm, you smell like vanilla.
Yeah, I wear that to disguise
the smell of death and decay.
Well, this dress made of
non-toxic permanent markers
is pretty smelly.
I could make you one.
What are your 50
favorite colors?
Harper, no. We don't
have time for that.
But... we do have time
for this.
I'm rubber, you're glue.
Take her smell
and put it on you.
Great. Now the monster hunters
will be chasing Harper.
- Yes!
- Wait, what?!
Well, what happens
if they catch me?
Oh, no, don't worry.
They'll find out you're a human
impersonating a monster,
and then
they'll throw you back
like a little fish.
I think.
I've got it!
I'm a monster hunter.
They're coming after
three monsters,
so all I have to do
is find three monsters
other than Juliet
and her family.
I fixed it!
No! You just made a plan.
That's not fixing it.
I did something
constructive.
I sent my best friend off
to her possible doom.
Juliet, where did you
get that dress?
You know, actually,
it looks really good
on you.
- Aww!
- You know what?
I was going to be a lady
about this, but let's go!
I want my dress back!
Strip it down, sister!
OK! OK, you guys,
calm down.
We have a couple of hours
to find some monsters
before the actual monster
hunters get here, OK?
- [cell phone rings]
- I gotta get this.
Hello?
Hmm...
Hey there.
I'm Luxor.
This is Dr. Ice.
We're professional
monster hunters.
No, no!
We were actually
recently voted, uh,
- best in the business.
- That's not true.
The other guys
were swallowed whole.
Shh! Everyone loves us!
We're the best.
Someone barricaded
your wizard portal.
We were worried
it might be monsters, so
we came through the phone.
Lucky you guys get pretty good
reception down here.
Sometimes
it's just half of us,
maybe an ankle.
- Whoa, what's going on?
Who are these guys?
- They're monster hunters.
I seem to be picking up
a level six.
Masked with vanilla.
That spells vampire.
Man, I hate those guys.
Their breath is like
a punch in the face!
No. It's on me.
It's all over me.
- [screams]
- Come on, Luxor!
Let's get her!
Max is folding
his own laundry?
You're amazing.
What... What did you do?
Forget it. Just...
Just thank you, thank you.
I'm only doing the folding.
Don't I deserve a hug?
Sure! Maybe later.
I don't want to slow you down.
He also made his bed.
- You found his bed?
- Yep.
I just
peeled back the mold
and there it was.
I'm baking you cookies, dude.
- What do you like?
- Oatmeal.
- I like chocolate chip.
- Shh! Keep folding.
I'm out of oatmeal,
but for you I'm gonna run
to the store.
Max, if you want a snack
there's a pot of beans
on the stove.
[guffaws]
Oh, I know what
you're trying to do.
You're not giving me advice.
You're trying to steal
my mother away from me.
Max, we have the same mother.
I'm your conscience.
Not anymore.
You're fired.
You can't fire me.
Ah, you should've thought
of that before you tried
to steal away my mother.
Look, I'm the third favorite
in this house
and no one
is taking that away.
Max, I can't go anywhere.
Fine. If you're not gonna go,
then I'm gonna do my best
to get away from you
as soon as possible.
As your conscience,
I don't think that's
the right thing to do.
Yeah. You know,
you're probably right.
But I'm doing it
anyway.
OK, are you still mad
at me?
Because I'm about
to go out there
and capture
three new monsters and
might not make it back.
Now you don't
have to say anything,
but if you're mad at me,
you should kiss me.
If you're not mad at me,
you should still kiss me.
[sighs] OK, well, only
because you reminded me
you might not be coming back,
I'll give you a medieval
friendship grip.
Oh.
- Ahem.
- We're in here!
Can't you knock?
[Justin shudders]
Yeah, sorry to interrupt
your weird display
of affection,
but, Justin,
you don't have to go looking
for three more monsters
because I already
found them.
[stammers] Great.
Uh, where are they?
Well, when the monster hunters
eventually catch Harper
they'll realize
that she's not a monster
and they'll bring her
back here where they
will find...
* Ta-da-da-da!
...these three
real monsters!
It was dark in there.
This is never
gonna work, Alex.
You're just upset because
you didn't think of it.
No, I'm upset
because there's only
two things here.
This is FrankenGirl,
a monster I created.
Hi, Daddy! [chuckles]
A robot,
which I also created.
And the third monster
is, oh, look...
Nothing!
This is never gonna work.
Well, you guys
have done a great job
trying to fix this,
but, um...
I'm gonna go hide
because of the great job
you've done
trying to fix this.
Juliet!
- [squeaking]
- I'll make this right,
Juliet, I promise.
[screaming]
Markers, markers,
go away, hey!
All right, good news.
I think I lost them.
You know, you probably
could've ditched that outfit
in the bushes
and then they'd stop
chasing you.
Here's an idea:
next time you want to involve
me in one of your spells,
do something less painful,
like hit me in the head
with a hammer.
- [cell phone rings]
- Oh!
That's me. I gotta get that.
Excuse me, guys.
- [both] No!
- Hello!
Hey! Got here a lot quicker.
You're on speed dial now.
There's the monster.
Blast her!
- Hold on!
- I'm not a monster!
They all say that.
That's a monster trick.
Blast her!
Not a monster.
Sure does smell like
a monster, though.
Yeah. Wow! [sniffs]
You know, maybe it's us.
We've been running around
a ton today.
Well, I guess
we better keep hunting
for the three monsters.
No, you don't, you don't
have to keep hunting,
because they're right here.
Three monsters.
Yep, see?
One... two-three!
OK, you can leave.
Take them. Bye!
[rapid beeping]
- [FrankenGirl chuckles]
- Excellent.
A homemade jobber.
You don't see those
that often.
Oh! [groans]
- [rapid beeping]
- Another monster.
A robot monster
from the future.
So, where's
the third monster?
There's not three?
[chuckles]
I know there's three.
He's around here somewhere.
Invisi-Monster,
where are you,
you invisible... monster?
Here I am!
I'm the monster.
Max, what are you doing?
I'm sick and tired of me
doing all the work
and Mom giving Conscience
all the credit,
so I've decided
to live in a monster jail
for the rest of my life.
As you can see,
I've pretty much
lost control.
Take me away.
- There's your monster! Get him!
- Get him, get him, get him!
- [rapid beeping]
- [buzzer sounds]
That's not a monster,
it's just a boy.
Look, there it is!
Well, a watermelon
with a wig.
I've heard about
these bad boys.
[grunts]
They have to be
put down right away.
Justin, can Luxor and I
speak to you for a second?
Yeah. [clears throat]
I think I know
what's going on here.
- I'm dating a vampire.
- What?
What?!
Nothing!
Vampire bites would hurt.
I mean, owwie!
Look, I was a junior
monster hunter once myself.
You wanted to catch
all three monsters
before we got here
to impress us. I get it.
Yeah, but you only got
two of the monsters
so you tried to
pass off the watermelon
as a third monster.
Genius!
Listen, we're gonna
let it slide this one time.
Could I have your phone?
- Thanks.
- [phone beeps]
Transport. Yeah, we got
a two plus two situation.
Us plus two monsters.
Read the manual!
No, seriously, I think
there is one. OK.
Justin, our fake monsters
just disappeared.
Uh, no, the monster hunters
took them to monster jail.
Great! I'll go tell Juliet.
I'll tell Juliet,
she's my girlfriend.
Well, she's my friend.
[annoyed grunt]
You are friends
with my girlfriend.
Look, I know,
I'm just as freaked out
as you are.
- Let's just not
talk about it.
- OK.
We'll tell her together.
- OK. Fine.
- OK. Fine.
[Alex] No!
It worked!
You guys did it.
I kind of wish I had caught
three real monsters, though.
I would've gotten a trophy.
Well, I guess
my trophy's right here.
do not objectify me.
of the 21st century,
Justin, as a woman
of years before that...
been alive for thousands
But as a woman who's
- [laughs]
- Oh, come here, you!
on the hug there.
your hand's a little low
Hey, uh, Justin,
- No, that's just me.
- Oh.