Wiseguy (1987–2009): Season 3, Episode 22 - Brrump-Bump - full transcript

- [Announcer]
Tonight, on Wise Guy.

- Frank, you can't
die on me, Frank!

- There's every reason to
believe there's brain damage.

- We'll pray for Frank.

- Where's Kousakis?

- [Mickey] I don't
know where he is.

(razor buzzing)

- Breathe, Frank, breathe!

- Don't be a schmuck!

- I've come to hear
your confession.

- I feel guilty.



I'm embracing life,
and my best friend

is an inch from death's door.

- C'mon, Frank,
I need you alive.

- I gotta stop him
from doin' this to me.

(imitates gunshot booming)

("Wiseguy" by Mike Post)

- [Announcer]
Previously, on Wiseguy.

- I went to this place, uh,
Health Elimination Systems,

and they paid 100 bucks cash
to remove waste from hospitals.

And we'd take it to this lot,

and the bags would leak
down into this drain,

and the drain ran right
by a public school

where there was an
outbreak of hepatitis.

So I told this Kousakis guy



that his bags are probably
poisoning the school.

He tells me to shut up, so
I beat the hell out of him,

and the next day, Kousakis
sends two guys after me.

(gunshot booms)
(man shouts)

(gunshot booms)
(man shouts)

God, forgive me, I
killed two men yesterday.

I was gonna throw
myself off the bridge.

(dramatic music)

I heard your church
bells ringing.

- [Pat] Son, the
bells in this church

haven't rung in a decade.

- We're not the only
people looking for Vince.

- He's here, Frank, I know it.

- He'd run.

- He's emotionally wounded prey.

He won't move 'til he's healed.

- Get this Vinnie
didn't-give-me-a-last-name

and bust him up!

(gunshots booming)

- Frank!

He shot Father Pat and McPike!

I'm gonna kill that
son of a bitch!

- Who?

- Kousakis, I'm gonna kill him!

(tires squealing)

(dramatic music)

- The case.

I'll be in touch.

- [Charlie] Father Pat was
about to hold a press conference

about HES dumping toxic waste.

- [Harriet] Yeah, but
I'm removed from that.

There's no link.

- [Charlie] John's the link.

- [Harriet] You
know I practically

raised John from the cradle.

- I know, but he's
a man now, Harriet,

a man who can hurt us.

- Then I guess somebody will
just have to bust him up.

(electricity popping)

(monitor drones steadily)

- [Doctor] I can't do
anything more for him.

(ominous music)

- [Pat] If your soul is
still with your body,

through this holy anointment,
may the Lord help you

with the grace of
the Holy Spirit.

May the Lord who
frees your sins--

- Frank?
- Save you

and raise you up.

- Frank, you can't
die on me, Frank!

Frank (gasping).

Breathe, Frank, breathe!

Breathe!

(ethereal music)

Frank!

(ethereal music)

(moves into ominous music)

Start breathing, Frank!

(breath gurgles)

Frank, Frank?

- Bells.

- It's unbelievable!

Get him into surgery, code blue!

- [Doctor] Hit him with oxygen.

(dramatic music)
(staff talking urgently)

- [Man] Got it right here.

(staff talking urgently)
(dramatic music)

(dramatic fanfare)

(Mickey gasps)

- Thank you, Mr. Kenneth.

(dramatic music)

- I want nothing here
with my name on it.

You check these out
while I look around.

- [Charlie] These ledgers
show cash transactions

from Kousakis to you,
10,000 last month,

12,500 the month before.

(dramatic music)

- [Harriet] Johnny was
smarter than I thought,

keeping records like this.

(dramatic music)

- Where's Kousakis?

- Ow (spits), I don't
know where he is.

- Give yourself a break, Mickey.

- I don't know.

- Charlie!

- Mr. Kenneth.

(dramatic music)

- Wait, come on.

- Italian?
- Huh?

Yeah.

(ominous music)

Wait, what are you doing?

I'm telling ya I don't
know where he is.

He didn't tell me nothing.

Please, come on here.

I've always been
square with you.

(ominous music)

- [Charlie] Tell Harriet
what she needs to know.

(bowling pin thuds)
(Mickey groans)

- Hide and watch,
Harriet (laughs drily).

You think you could
take HES from me?

You threw it to me
like it was a bone,

and I, I made a
success out of it.

I had vision, I could
see what it would become.

AIDS was a blessing.

Nobody wants to cart that
stuff out of hospitals anymore.

Who ya gonna call?

Me (laughs).

Yeah, you try, Harriet,

try and take, try and
take HES away from me.

(ominous music)

(sighs)

Mm.

You get dead, you and Charlie.

(ominous music)

(sighs)

(ominous music)

Two days in this rat hole,

and then I'm gonna be running
the old bag's organization.

All mine! (laughs)

Boojah!
(bird squawks)

(ominous music)

I gotta go to the bathroom.

- [Announcer] Security,
extension 304.

Security, extension 304.

- Did you shoot those two guys?

- Yeah, they were gonna kill me.

Kousakis sent them.

You find Kousakis,
you'll find Emmet, too.

- Emmet Soul's head of the
Board of Environmental Safety.

- Yeah, I sent him a note

about the HES and
the toxic dumping.

Next thing I know he sends
these two guys after me.

They knew right where
to find me, too.

- I can't believe that
Kousakis would wanna kill me.

Do you know I baptized
that little bastard?

- He said, "Bells."

(ominous music)

(Mickey groaning)

(bowling pin thuds)
(Mickey shouts)

(bowling pin thuds)
(Mickey shouts)

(Mickey moaning)
(ominous music)

(Mickey gasping)

- Kousakis killed 'em.

He shot the priest.

He got out of the car,
that's all I know.

- He got out of the car and?

- We drove away from the church.

He made me stop the
car and he took off.

He was crazy.

- And where did he go?

- He ran to the corner
and he disappeared.

He told me to meet him
at Temple Beth Jacob

after Friday night services.

- Friday night at the temple?

- Yeah.

- And then what?

- That's it, I swear,
that's all I know.

I swear to God.

- Take those boxes
out to the car.

(ominous music)

Oh, Charlie, Johnny was
such an adorable kid.

(ominous music)

Okay, Mr. Kenneth, let's go.

(ominous music)

(Mickey moaning)

(Mickey mumbling frantically)

(ominous music)

(door bangs)

- All done.

- [Harriet] Let's
go, Mr. Kenneth.

- I love a rainy morning.

Makes me want to curl
up in front of a fire

with a mug of hot
chocolate (laughs quickly).

- (laughs) What was that place

we always used to go
with Saul for breakfast?

- Em Leo's.

- Ah, matzah brei

and the only schmaltz herring
north of San Francisco.

- Lox, egg with onions,

the challah so fresh you
didn't even have to chew.

You know why I always liked Leo?

In the back, he always had

some fresh scrapple
for the goyim (laughs).

- Tref.

I wonder if Leo's
is still there.

- Well, if it is, the
schmaltz is on me.

- Mr. Kenneth, Leo's (laughs).

- Anybody here who
is immediate family?

- Yes, we are.

- He's breathing on his
own but he's in a coma.

There's every reason to
believe there's brain damage.

To what extent, we don't know,

until or if he comes out of it.

- He said something about bells.

I heard him.

- Possibly some kind
of a voiced aspiration.

Speech or thought in his
state would be impossible.

- Well, aren't there some
specialists we oughta call in?

- I'd say Father Pat can do
more for him than anyone else.

- (sighs) Thank you, doctor.

- [Announcer]
Radiologist to CCU.

Radiologist to CCU.

- We better get you
to a safe house.

- I wanna go back to the church.

- You can't run away, Vinnie.

- I'm not running.

I need what I can get there.

I won't run away.

- (sighs) You'll
have to be watched.

- (sighs) I understand that.

(tires squealing)

(dramatic music)

- Well, well, well, look
who's come home to roost.

(ominous music)

They think they're
gonna starve me out.

But I got food.

They don't know how ready I am.

(ominous music)

(hinges squeaking)

(ominous music)

- I can't believe
John would do this.

- Well, you don't have
to worry about him.

He tried to kill you to
stop the press conference.

It's too late, cat's
outta the bag about HES.

OCB knows about
the toxic dumping.

They probably picked
up Emmet Soul by now.

If he tries to come back here,

those agents will grab him
before he steps one foot inside.

They got pictures, Father.

They know what he looks
like, you're safe.

- [Pat] And what
about you, Vince?

- [Vinnie] What do you mean?

- You came here for a reason.

You mustn't let the
horrible thing that happened

make you lose sight of that.

Sanctuary is about healing.

We'll pray for Frank,
and through our prayers,

perhaps you'll find
your own healing.

- They know what
I look like, huh?

(ominous music)

Thank you, Lord.

(ominous music)

(razor buzzing)

- Mr. Soul is the subject
of a federal investigation.

It supersedes Seattle
authority, sir.

- Yeah, well, we got him first.

- (sighs) Look, you
can let me talk to him.

That is not gonna
jeopardize your arrest.

- You're with the DEA?

- I'm OCB.

- Eh, it's gotta be DEA.

Where else do they
let ya look like that?

- I'm OCB, sir.
- What's that?

FBI or CIA?

- Are you done with
the alphabet soup?

Look, you gonna let me
see this man or not?

- N-O-T.

- Captain Dunk.

Excuse me.

Where are we holding Soul?

- Interrogation room A.

- Thanks.

- Wait a second.

Who was that, where's his ID?

- He doesn't need one.

- Why not?

- That's Charlie Boden.

- I don't wanna go
to prison, Charlie.

- You won't.

- End up some lifer's wife.

- Shut up, Stretch, I
haven't got a lot of time.

- Being bent over
by big, ugly men.

I'm 62 years old,
Charlie, I can't make it.

I'll have a heart attack.

I'm not healthy!

- We've taken care of you.

Now Harriet and
I need your help.

You're not going to jail.

Everything's being
laid on Kousakis.

Your only task,
Emmet, is to shut up

and talk through your attorney.

Harriet's sending
Ricky Finkelstein down

to handle this for you.

- Ricky?

- Yeah, everything's
gonna be fine.

Just let Ricky handle it.

- Okay, Charlie, I'm sorry.

- Forget it.

Everything's fixed.

You know what Harriet
and I did last night?

- What?

- We tortured a guy.

(ominous music)

- Hello, boys.

God bless you for being here.

I can't tell you what
it means to Father Pat.

- Thank you, Father.

- [Charlie] Emmet's got the
program, Harriet, don't worry.

- Oh, just as long
as you didn't end it

at a friendly schmooze.

You gotta push that guy's rear

right up to the hot
pipe, you know that.

- Stretch is a born follower,

can't wait for hoops
to jump through.

Only worry we got now is,
mm, is finding Johnny.

- Are you alright?

- [Charlie] Harriet,
I've been fighting

that schmaltz herring
most of the day.

- Ha, goyim.

- Jews.

- [Charlie] Harriet,
is somebody there?

- I've come to hear
your confession.

- [Charlie] Harriet, Harriet!

- Johnny, you look terrible.

Why the hell would you
do that to yourself?

- Johnny?

Harriet, is Kousakis there?

- Shut up, Charlie.

I got people looking
for me, remember?

- Is that Kousakis?

Harriet, who's there?

Are you alright?

You want me to come over,
should I send someone?

I can send some units, Harriet.

- I said shut up, powderhead.

Yes, it's John Kousakis.

- [Harriet] We've been
worrying about you, Johnny.

- Oh, yeah.

You're the udder for the
milk of human kindness.

- [Charlie] Don't
make this personal.

- (snickers) Don't
make this personal.

(laughs) Look what
she did to me!

10 years of rolling
around in garbage.

I'm a wanted man because of her.

- If it's an apology
you want, you got it.

If it's a confession,
fine, alright.

It's my fault.

It is my fault

that I let you work with
toxics all those years.

I just wasn't thinking, Johnny.

- You thought garbage was
my life, my dream (laughs),

that I came home
from Little League

and I ran down into the basement

and stacked wastepaper baskets

and hoped that someday I
would get to do it for real.

(basket clatters)

(John chuckles)

- You know, I think maybe it
might have started with Saul,

but he was just trying
to give you a leg up.

Maybe he pushed you too fast,

running HES right after college.

- No, no, I liked it.

I liked running the business
and I was good at it.

Saul promised me I'd move up.

He said, you do good, Johnny,

and there's more for
you at the table.

Then he died and I
get stuck at the table

feeding off the scraps
that you left me.

He warned me about you, Harriet.

The bitch is cheap, he said.

She wants it all.

You know, I was getting
real close with Jeanine,

and he told me,
don't do it, Johnny.

Look at me, bleeding
ulcers, Milk of Magnesia.

Do I look like I wanna
join the country club

and hang out with Presbyterians?

Little fish on their pants,

those fa-kak-ta
tassels on their shoes?

(laughs) Listen to me, Johnny.

If you need it
that bad, rent it.

- [Charlie] John, listen to me.

You're not well, you need help.

We can help you.

- I'm fine.

For the first time in my
life, I feel in control.

- Johnny, look at
yourself there.

You're deteriorating.

- We can fix what happened
with the shooting.

If the fed pulls through,
there won't be a murder charge.

- Either way, we plead insanity.

- The most you'll do
is a couple of years,

and it won't even be in prison.

It'll be at the
Dalmayer facility.

They can help you there.

(ominous music)

- That's for the
criminally insane.

I'm not insane.

- [Charlie] Oh,
John, you are nuts.

(ominous music)

- I didn't say that, Johnny.

- Nuts.

Nuts.

(glass clatters)

(sighs)

(scoffs)

While you enjoyed
your lousy golf,

I covered myself
with medical waste.

While you took vacations
to The Greenbrier,

I sat in an office and
dispensed cash to truck drivers

who glowed in the dark.

And for the last
two days, Harriet,

I've had to eat sweet and
sour cabbage with mayonnaise.

- Johnny, don't be a schmuck.

(Johnny shouts)
(Harriet screams)

- John, John, what
are you doing?

Harriet, Harriet?

(golf club thudding)

Kousakis, you crazy
bastard, what are you doing?

Harriet, say something, Harriet!

- Harriet can't come
to the phone right now.

She's in the rough.

(phone hums)

(sirens wailing)

(radios squawking)

(investigators murmuring)

- Mr. Boden, you don't
have to see this.

- Oh, Lord, oh, Lord.

Harriet, John Kousakis did this.

I have it on good authority

he's meeting some of
his goons this Friday

at Temple Beth Jacob.

- [Vinnie] How's Frank?

- [Daniel] You know, the doctor
said he's got brain damage.

They're just trying to
determine the extent of it.

- Can you stay for dinner?

- Uh, thanks, Father,
but I have plans.

- With your lady friend.

- Ha, yeah, kinda makes me want
to stay in Seattle, Father.

- You're in love, that's good.

- Huh, you know what?

I just might be.

(sighs) But I feel guilty.

(sighs) I came here to
help with Vinnie's problem.

Now I'm embracing life
and my best friend

is an inch from death's door.

It's all too weird
to understand.

- I always wonder
what God thinks.

Our friend was
standing on a bridge

looking down into
the icy waters,

wondering if what his life
had come to was worthless.

And I was sitting
in my confessional

wondering the exact same thing,

hearing a petty,
insincere confession

from a just-in-case penitent.

And I was just as insincere

with the God bless
you, go in peace.

When Vinnie walked in,

and he shook my faith
to its foundation,

he said, I heard the bells.

They were calling to
me, to my last chance.

The bells haven't rung in years.

God brought us
here for a purpose,

in this place, at this
time, to restore our faith.

- Yeah, isn't that what
you guys always say?

- Yes, we do, but this
time, I believe it.

But if you want facts in
which to base your belief,

fact, through all the
traumas that brought us here,

a facility that has been
poisoning the water of this city

has been shut down.

Children who were getting
sick are now safe.

It's as though we've all
been given another chance.

(ominous music)

(John sighs)

(oxygen hisses)

- Hi, Frank.

You know something, Frank?

You, you were my

link to reality,

the shaded reality,
the gray areas.

I know you know

that I always wanted to see
things in black and white.

Well, you keep me from
making that mistake.

Course, I don't think it
was intentional or anything.

Most of the time, you just
irritated the hell outta me,

with you sticking to
the system like you do.

But you are a good teacher.

I learned a lot of
things from you.

The system, the
system is neutral.

It's us.

Whether things turn
out good or bad,

it all depends on us

and how we use the
system, or don't use it,

or twist it (sighs).

When I came in the room,
I saw you laying there,

and I thought you were dead.

I was never more afraid.

You know, I've lost
a lot of people,

a lot of family,

and I suffered it,

but it didn't scare me

like the thought
of you being gone.

When the doctors came
in, they told me,

"Mr. McPike will probably
have brain damage."

I thought to myself,
yeah, so what?

What else is new?

Come on, Frank, I
know you heard that.

Come on, Frank, gimme a smile
or a laugh or something.

Gimme one of those sarcastic
looks you always do.

Come on, Frank,

gimme something, please.

I know this is selfish,
Frank, I know it is.

But I do need you.

I need you whole and well.

I need you alive in
whatever form it takes.

It's just that

I can't imagine
life without you.

(somber music)

- Hello, Mr. Boden.

(imitates gunshots booming)

Goodbye, Charlie.

(imitates gunshots booming)

Boden lies bleeding on the
steps of Temple Beth Jacob,

and for Kousakis,
everything's Jake.

Soon the truck will arrive from
Health Elimination Services

to cart away the human garbage,

and that's the way it is.

Goodnight and good luck.

Goodnight, Chet,
goodnight, David.

Thanking you for
your time this time.

Until next time, oh (chuckles).

Who's there?

Whew.

Kenneth, what's the frequency?

(laughs hoarsely)

(hisses)

Oh (hisses), oh, oh.

Oh (hisses).

(ominous music)

(dramatic fanfare)

(shouts)

(gasps) Get outta here!

Get outta here.

Just leave me alone.

(sighs)

(dramatic music)

Oh.

Father Pat.

I gotta stop him from
doing this to me.

(ominous music)

- [Vinnie] Father Pat?

(ominous music)

Father Pat?

Father Pat?

Father Pat?

- Oh, oh, God bless.
- Sorry, I'm sorry.

- I had the strangest dream.

I dreamt I was trapped
inside the mouth of a cow.

- Isn't that the
belly of a whale?

- (laughs) I'm forgetting
my own theology.

Sure smelled like the
mouth of a cow, whew.

- Yeah, Father, how do
I get up to the belfry?

- Why?

- I wanna see the bells.

I wanna see if I can't fix 'em.

I wanna ring 'em for Frank.

- How is he?

- He's the same.

I know ringing the bells
won't make any difference,

but I'd like to do it anyway.

- It's a lot of hard work.

- I'd like to do it.

- Then it's a good project for
you and for this old church.

Follow me.

- That damn dog has
been at my cabbage!

(smacking mouth)

Now there's a friendly
face, pow, zoom.

I belong at the Dalmayer
state facility, huh?

Well, who's this
gun pointing at?

Not me.

(ominous music)

(hinges clanking)

- [Vinnie] Ah, it
stinks up here.

- It's that damn dog!

(dramatic fanfare)

(ominous music)

Ooh!

(Vinnie grunts)

♪ All around the mulberry bush

♪ The monkey chased the weasel

♪ The monkey thought
it was all in fun ♪

♪ Pop goes the weasel

(laughing maniacally)

- Father Pat!

Better get the OCB guys up here.

Kousakis is here.

- No, no!

That's alright, that's alright.

I'll be right down.

- No!

(dramatic fanfare)

(body thudding)

(John shouting)

(dramatic music)

Uncle Mike, Nona,
I'm glad you're here.

How's Frank?

- Ah, well, no change.

We got that autopsy
on Kousakis, though.

He was full of mercury.

I guess all those years at HES,

he must've come into a
lot of contact with it.

- [Pat] He was mad as a hatter.

- What do you mean?

- That's where the
expression comes from.

They used to use mercury to
form the brims of the hat.

They put the hat down,
roll the mercury around.

Poor fellas who held that job,

well, they got poisoned
by the mercury,

and they went as
mad as a hatter.

(Daniel chuckles)

- He might've been a
nice guy at one time.

- It's not right,

and the real beast in all
of this is Charlie Boden,

and Charlie Boden is still
sitting in his office.

- Cross your fingers.

(bells clanging)

("Wiseguy" by Mike Post)

(dramatic music)