Wipeout (2021–…): Season 1, Episode 10 - Now You Cena, Now You Don't - full transcript
It's a Wipeout episode fit for royalty. Royal theme park performers, crazy cat ladies and slam poets are all vying to be crowned Wipeout champions and win $25,000.
Whoa!
This is wild.
No, this is "Wipeout."
Oh.
The Big Balls are back,
America.
I’m Nicole Byer.
And I’m John Cena.
We’ll be your guides
as we reintroduce you
to the most insane
competition show known to man.
She got hit hard.
That’s the game of "Wipeout."
Banzai!
of the $25,000 grand prize.
The courses are crazier...
The contestants
are bendier...
That one’s gotta hurt.
And the hosts are sexier.
This body doesn’t
happen overnight.
It also doesn’t happen
by taking shirtless selfies
in the gym mirror
for 45 minutes.
both: Welcome back, America,
to "Wipeout"!
Hello, America,
and welcome to "Wipeout."
I’m John Cena and I’m here
with Nicole Byer.
Nicole,
the level of competition
we’ve seen this season has been
remarkable.
I’ve caught the competitive
bug myself hosting this show.
Oh, have you?
Every morning I wake up,
I look at myself in the mirror,
and I say "Nicole,
you are going to be better
than John today."
And guess what?
It works every time.
You know, how about
we just tell everyone
Tell everyone
how the qualifier works!
I beat you!
And I was louder than you!
That’s what makes a good host:
volume!
Ten teams face
the qualifier today,
a fivepart obstacle course
behemoth.
First up, they’ll have
to choose a path
as they navigate
through the Sweep and Weep.
Then it’s a trip up and down
the stairs of the Nutcracker.
Next up,
a "Wipeout" classic,
the Big Balls.
Make it across and grab
Smallsy for a $250 bonus.
After that,
it’s the Body Blender.
Jump the hurdles or get
cut down in the process.
And finally,
the players end
with the swinging and swaying
Jigglelator
before a final leap
to the finish platform.
The six fastest teams
to finish the qualifier
will make it through
to the next round.
How’s the tension
on the ground, Camille?
It’s getting pretty
heated up here.
You guys,
the tension is so thick.
You could cut it with a knife
or the side of a sturdy fork.
Hey, Camille, let’s meet
Our first team!
Let’s meet our first team!
Yes. I won again.
It’s not a competition.
You’re only saying that
because I’m winning, Cena.
First up, it’s team
Hip Hop Beret.
I’m down here
with Kelsey and Esai.
Tell me about yourselves.
We are a slam poetry
competition duo.
Yes, we are.
Literary dream team.
both: Up.
all:
Okay.
If they think
that’s slamming...
Go, go, go.
Just wait until Esai
finds out
what kind of beat the
Sweep and Weep can whip up.
Whoo!
Onomatopoeia.
Ooh!
Let’s go!
Now that’s a powerful bar.
Whoo!
letting go of the pen there.
Getting past that sweeper
was not to be.
Hey, John,
I wrote a slam poem myself.
You want to hear it?
Of course.
To conquer the qualifier
requires Big Balls, oohahh
But the bigger the ball
The bigger the falls,
oohahh
You’ll hop and you’ll drop
And you’ll swim
and you’ll plop, oohahh
Just beware of what hides
in the walls
Powerful stuff.
Kelsey and Esai clock
in an impressive
8 minutes and 27 seconds.
They may be slamming on
to the gauntlet,
and from poetry slamming
to log jamming.
This is Logged & Loaded,
Dani and Willem.
They met on a logrolling team
in college.
What’s logrolling?
The two opponents balance
on a log
and they roll
to knock off the other one.
There’s no way they have
college teams for that.
We know they’re good
with logs,
but can they handle the Balls?
Perfectly phrased question
that no one can take
the wrong way, John.
both: Whoa!
Is that a logrolling skill?
I’m starting to come around
on this thing.
Here’s my logrolling.
She even makes logrolling
sexy.
Is there anything
this girl can’t do?
It’s tough to not
fall in the water.
Logged & Loaded
is a little behind the pace
set by Hip Hop Beret.
We’ll see how that shakes out,
but for now,
let’s meet our next team.
I’m down here
with Alex and Kelly.
Do you have any hobbies, Alex?
Yeah. I’m actually
a aspiring magician.
Usually, saying that
makes women disappear.
So what was your card?
The Queen of Diamonds.
Correct. No, really,
it’s the Queen of Diamonds.
Aspiring magician, eh?
These AbraCadabblers
came to the right place.
Welcome to
the Wipeout Magic Academy.
The first thing every magician
needs is a wand.
The bigger the better,
we say.
It looks like that wand
might be too much for him
to handle.
You don’t choose the wand,
John.
The wand chooses you.
Ow.
Explore the magical
Wipeout campus
with its enchanted corridors,
storied halls,
and illustrious
Ooh.
Trap doors?
There’s a couple.
Learn potionmaking
at one of our worldfamous
Big Balldrons.
What’s a balldron?
Big ball cauldron.
Keep up, John.
And of course,
master the art of
levitation.
I think these two are ready
now for a trick of my own.
See these two
certified illusionists?
Yeah.
Now you don’t.
Amazing.
Next up, another nice couple,
Jamaica and James,
bakery shop owners, married,
andoh, what’s that?
Wow. Vanilla.
Yes.
That’s a vanilla?
Just imagine how big
the chocolate one is.
Nicole!
John, don’t be
such a cakeblocker.
This is nuts.
I’m Jamaica.
And I’m James.
And we’re naughty.
Bakers. We’re naughty bakers.
When we started dating
and got married
and came to LA, I wanted to do
cakes, cupcakes, cookies.
We do birthday cakes,
but we also do a lot
of erotic cakes and pastries.
It’s always the ones
you least expect.
Thank goodness
for the censors.
Here’s James
on the cracker.
Why are you bleeping
yourself?
I’m not taking any more
chances with these two.
But you can say Nutcracker.
Yeah! On Cinemax.
Ooh, wow!
That really him.
Hey!
I said smacked.
Don’t you dare start
bleeping me.
For the bakery!
Now James moves on
to the big
inflated
Balls, John.
Can’t say that.
Stop that!
Give me the bleeper!
No!
It’s mine!
You took it.
Here’s Jamaica
getting blasted
with some major
on the Jigglelator.
You know what, John?
If bleeping makes you happy,
who am I to stop you?
Aww.
you, Nicole.
What?
Thank you.
I said thank you.
Sorry. I accidentally
pressed it that time.
Well, with a time
of 12 minutes and 44 seconds,
the Naughty Bakers
need a miracle
if they want to move on
to the gauntlet.
Mm!
This cake is so good.
I feel kinda naughty
eating it, though.
I hope my family
isn’t watching.
Mm.
Get your mind outta the gutter.
Yeah.
Let’s ride these sugar jitters
into part two
of the qualifier, America.
More sinfully delicious
wipeouts are on the way.
You know, if you really
think about it, it is wild.
Why are there state lines
and why are they all
squiggles?
Yeah, right,
Welcome back to "Wipeout."
I’m John Cena
here with Nicole Byer,
and we just saw our first few
teams tackle the qualifier.
I noticed that the teams
that really encourage
each other down on the course
usually perform better.
I mean, just look at them.
Let’s go, babe!
A little pain
for a lot of reward.
So I was thinking instead
of competing with you,
I would be
more supportive of you.
Oh.
Thanks, Nicole.
That would make me
really happy.
Well, let’s continue
on with our
Whoohoo!
Go, John! You host that show!
John! John! John! John!
John!
All right, Camille,
who’s our next team?
Yes! You did it!
My love, will you?
Of course.
Yes!
Camille’s in trouble!
Kneel before me, my lady.
No, no,
she’s getting knighted
by these two
theme park performers,
Princess Julia
and Prince Luke.
In the name of the kingdom
of Wipeoutlandia,
I hereby raise you
noble lady of the realm.
Congratulations,
Sir Camille.
I think you call her a
a dame?
Thank you.
It’s 2021, Nicole.
I don’t think you can
call women that anymore.
I feel royal already.
Thank you.
Prince Luke gallivants
up the Nutcracker.
Just when you thought
things couldn’t get any worse
for the royal family.
Oh, it’s bad.
Have you seen "The Crown"?
John, quit trying to get me
to watch "The Crown."
How about a background
package instead?
Sure.
My name is Princess Julia.
And I am Prince Luke.
We have come
from faraway lands
to accomplish but one goal.
To conquer the kingdom
of Wipeout.
Charge!
We have been dating
for about a year now.
He slid into the royal DMs.
I hope to fare very well
on the Wipeout course,
though I am used to being
pampered as a princess,
and I don’t think the course
will treat me
very much like royalty.
Come on!
All rise for Her Majesty.
Ow!
The Motivator making her
take a bow.
I think that knocked
the fake English accent
out of her.
This is worse
than the Red Wedding.
Yeah, well, at least
there were drinks there.
Almost!
Well, I would say this course
isn’t fit for a king
ora queen.
With the clock ticking past
6 minutes,
the royals
need to pick up the pace
if they want to party on
to the next round.
Forget the next round.
I want to party now
with my girl, Camille.
She is the most soughtafter
"Wipeout" party guest
around town.
Here, she’s tearing up
the dance floor
at Club Tank Top Don’t Stop.
Good thing she ducked down
before things got too crazy.
Ooh.
Yeah.
Once it rains, people,
I’m out, too.
Well, she also had
a sorority party to crash.
Look at her downing
that shotski like a champ.
John, Nicole,
I know you’re jealous.
Jealous of you? Yes.
Jealous of her? No.
Bend forward and snapping.
Snapping.
Her wild night ain’t over
yet.
She showed up
to this bachelorette bash
just in time to see some skin.
Camille can’t stop, y’all.
This is the model,
this is a trainer.
I do what I do.
Cut the music.
What makes us think
that we can just
show that man’s bare chest
on national television?
I mean, look at the indecency,
John.
I need you to acknowledge
how irresponsible it is
to broadcast those perfectly
defined abdominal muscles
to everybody in the world.
Now, someone bring me
that footage immediately.
I need to make sure it never
sees the light of day again.
Okay, look.
Here he is, shirt back on,
getting wiped out.
Feel better?
Serves him right.
Now, who do we haves next?
Next up,
it’s Eliza and Sarah.
Show us your kitties!
Hey, now!
Family show, remember?
No.
She said show us your kitties.
That’s worse.
Well, I’m not showing that,
either.
Cats, Nicole.
Like kittens.
Whatever floats your boat.
Well, let’s see
these Crazy Cat Ladies
put their catlike reflexes
to the test on the Nutcracker.
You okay?
Yeah. Sorry.
I’m just a little allergic.
You got this, Sarah.
Oh!
Right in the whiskers.
Well, it’s a good thing they
started with nine cat lives
because that definitely
scratched one off the total.
Here’s Eliza trying not to
pull a copycat of her sister.
Oh.
Neutered by the Nutcracker.
You are a very fit cat.
She tried to land
on all fours there,
too bad there was nowhere
to land.
And
that would be seven lives.
Well, after losing a couple
more of their cat lives
in the qualifier,
the Crazy Cat Ladies
just barely claw their way
into the next round
with a time of 12 minutes
and 20 seconds.
Still,
that was harder to watch
than "Cats" the movie.
You must of watched
it sober, then.
Speaking of sober...
these are the Mocktails,
sober bartending buds,
Leigh and John.
Here’s my glass.
I thought sober bartenders
only existed in theory,
like vegan butchers
or celibate porn stars.
Nicole!
That was the coolest shot
I ever took.
I’m Leigh.
And I’m John.
And we are...
Bartenders.
Who wants a drink?
I love flipping the bottles
behind the bar.
Yeah.
I love watching you do it.
Do you know how much money
we’ve made off of me flairing?
Do you know how much money
we’ve lost
because I’m watching you
flair things?
We have prepared strenuously
and intensely
for these courses.
Smallsy is mine!
Later, Smalls!
Bartenders.
Boom, baby.
It’s hard to get through
the qualifier
without getting smashed,
You got it!
You got it, baby! Yes, sir!
Yes, sir! Lohh!
Sober John’s doing good
at abstaining from
that sweeper bar.
Oh.
and just like that,
he falls off the wagon.
John already looking
a little woozy
as he approaches
the Big Balls.
Woozy?
I’d say he looks hammered.
Oh!
You got it! You got it, John!
That’s not stopping him
from driving all the way
to Vampire Smallsy’s house,
and picking up
his Big Ball bonus.
You got it!
Vampire Smallsy just gave
John a monstrous $250 tip.
Let’s hope he doesn’t blow
it all on Shirley Temples.
Here’s John’s teammate,
Leigh, on the Jigglelator.
How are you feeling
right now?
Terrible.
You got this, Leigh!
Any tips for Leigh
oh!
Swim!
I think we learned today
that if you try to stay clean,
dry, and soberminded,
stay away from the qualifier.
They have too much
good stuff on tap.
Dude, how you doing?
I threw up.
You did?
You did?
Yep.
Clean up on the qualifier.
We’ve all been there, girl.
Well, despite the mess,
the Mocktails finished
a fraction of a second ahead
of Hip Hop Beret,
giving them the fastest time
in the qualifier.
Also moving on
to the gauntlet will be
the Logged & Loaded
logrollers,
the Sorority Sisters,
AbraCadabblers,
and our Crazy Cat Ladies.
Cat ladies, logrollers,
and sorority girls, oh my!
We gauntlet you miss this.
Oof.
I had to say it
at least once.
You’ve never seen
"Pocahontas"?
No.
Really?
Never seen it.
if you take away the fact
that she was 14
and unwilling
to marry John Smith.
Welcome back to "Wipeout."
Six teams have made it
past the qualifier
and on to the next round.
One step closer to the 25K.
What is it about
watching people
get knocked around the course
that makes us feel so good?
Well, it could be that
when you witness a fellow
human being getting hurled
to and fro by obstacles...
there’s part of us
that sees ourselves
and we don’t feel so alone.
Well, for me,
it’s the funny noises they make
when they get hit.
Yeah, you’re right.
Let’s hear about
what will be providing
more of those hits in our
next course, the gauntlet.
The gauntlet will be done
in two heats.
Each heat, three teams
competing at the same time
will be practically
climbing over one another
starting at the CarousHell.
Then, it’s a foot race
through the disgusting mud
pits and slippery slopes
of the Messy Mile.
And finally,
the Pummel Pool,
where the choice between
the revolving French Fries
and the giant,
spinning Lollipop
could make or break it all.
The first team to have both
members cross the finish line
moves on to the Wipeout Zone.
Teams taking on the gauntlet
in this first heat
are the sober,
bottleslinging Mocktails...
We got it.
Cakewalk, baby.
Let’s go.
Get your mind right.
Logrolling duo,
Logged & Loaded...
Pull up a little bit
so your arms
have a little bit of slack.
Oh, yeah, and then, like
And the feisty and fuzzy
Crazy Cat Ladies.
Well, we need to land
on our feet.
Okay.
Are you guys ready?
We got it!
Yeah!
Here we go, Leigh!
Let’s go, baby!
Here we go!
Three, two, one!
Heat one, here we go.
Come on, baby. You got it.
Dude, this is high.
Okay.
Do you want to go?
This is tall, this is tall.
this is tall, this is tall,
this is tall, this is tall.
This is tall, this is tall.
I knew sending a camera guy
to space would pay off.
Stay strong out there, Miles.
Sober bartender John
is eager
to put the Mocktails ahead
early
and is rocking that pink,
I must say.
And Willem
from the orange team
wants to get a feel for the
water temperature, apparently.
Must be a logroller thing.
Now, on the CarousHell.
John takes a big hit
from the sweeper,
but hangs on
to that hanging hoop.
We’re chilling,
we’re chilling.
We’re just floating
thinking about things.
Logged & Loaded Dani
showing her roller boy
teammate how it’s done.
Mocktail John goes
for second round of shots
against the Sweeper Bar.
Oh, we’re going to get
another hit right here.
Take it. Oh, my God.
How about a double?
Again!
That one’s on the house.
And just like that,
Mocktail John’s the first
to safely reach
the end of the CarousHell.
We made it, we made it,
Leigh! Here we go!
But Leigh’s got
to meet him there to advance.
And Leigh sticks to landing
on the propeller.
There it is, there it is!
They have the quickest
qualifier time
and now the Mocktails are in
business here in the gauntlet.
Logroller Dani
gets past the Sweeper Bar.
And you’re about
just in time!
Duck for the wrecking ball!
Don’t Miley Cyrus it.
You only got it coming like
a wrecking ball here.
Easy with the jokes there,
Abstinence Kutcher.
Thank you.
Now it’s Leigh’s turn
to take a ride around
the CarousHell.
Yup!
No sweeper is going
to stop her either,
as Leigh joins John
on the platform,
and the Mocktails move on
to the Messy Mile.
Sober bartenders
for the win, baby.
Sobriety rules!
With just four cat lives
left after the qualifier,
the Crazy Cat Ladies are sure
looking extra scaredy...
Cats. Cats are not
scared of heights.
Right?
Mmhmm.
And gauntlet wipeouts
are worth double.
Don’t like it? Tough kitties!
I make the rules.
Ooh!
Sarah sure pounced off
that ledge in a hurry.
Are you sure there
aren’t fish in that water?
I hope not, John.
I bathe in that tank.
Now the cat ladies are down
to their last two cat lives.
Let’s see if they
can make them count.
Ugh.
And call in the cat rescue.
And finally, logroller Willem
breaks loose from the log jam
at the top of the course.
You got it, you got it!
Yes.
And now is the perfect time
because Mocktail Leigh
is still feeling the effects
of the qualifier hangover.
I will meet you over there.
I believe in you.
Team Logged & Loaded
is gaining ground
at the CarousHell,
but oh, no!
Willem having
a major Mufasa moment
at the edge of the cliff!
What’s she waiting for?
Go help him.
Come on.
Hang on.
Are we witnessing
a deep betrayal of trust
between these two
logrolling companions?
Was this Dani’s plan all along
so she could
become queen of Pride Log?
Can you help me?
Okay.
Oh, my God, so much fun.
Thanks so much.
Aww.
She’s helping him.
Aww. It’s so cute.
Aww, it
Oh, my God.
You saved my life.
Yeah,
a thanks would be nice.
Oh, my God. I’m literally
going to start crying.
With Logged & Loaded now
on their trail,
the Mocktails have
finally reached Mount Wipeout.
Let’s see how good they are
on the rocks.
At least it’s warm.
Thanks for letting us know.
We gotta fix that.
We were born for this!
Let’s go, Leigh.
The sober duo
reaches the peak,
but the high won’t last long
because next
is the final part of
the course, the Pummel Pool.
Easy peasy, baby.
We lost our nine lives.
Cats don’t like the water.
As Logged & Loaded
inches closer...
Ah, that got my ear!
The Mocktails are
at the Pummel Pool
figuring out how in the world
they’re going to stay dry.
We’ve got to balance
that slippery.
Yeah.
Err on the side of far away.
That’s slippery, too.
I love this.
Strategizing.
Let’s see if
the strategizing works.
John bounces over
the pink ball
and gets a little too tipsy.
I got this.
and makes it over nicely
to the next platform.
Nice, Leigh.
Yeah. Nicely.
John mimics
his Mocktail partner,
and the sober bartenders are
one step closer to the finish.
Don’t pop
the sparkling cider yet.
Dani and Willem are blending
into the Pummel Pool,
and our loggers are drifting
closer to the Mocktails.
John and Leigh are making
the allimportant choice
between the Spinning Lollipop
or the French Fries.
What do you want to do, man?
I might say it.
I might try this.
Got it. You got it, John.
Let’s do it.
Any bit of hesitation
through the Fries
and you will get wiped out.
Execute, baby. Execute.
Here we go.
Looks like John’s
going Fries.
My favorite drunk food.
John staggers
through those things
like Kiefer Sutherland leaving
a holiday party.
I kid.
Kiefer’s a frenemy.
Oh!
Not anymore.
First attempt
through the Fries!
Still, Logged & Loaded
is right on the heels
of Mocktails
but Willem falls off
the Tippy Table.
Make way for the mustache.
Let’s go!
Here’s John’s last call
as he hops over the last ball
and slides to the finish.
Whoo!
Let’s go!
Come on, now!
Yeah!
It’s not closing time yet,
though.
Logrolling Dani gets past the
pink ball and makes it over.
Can the log boy do the same?
Yes, yes, yes.
Yes!
Now they’re both
on the platform.
Let’s go, Leigh!
Mocktail Leigh tries to
make it past the French Fries.
Go.
Let’s go.
She does it!
Whooee!
With just one pink ball to go
for Leigh,
the Logrollers are making
their final push.
Oh, oh! But Dani
can’t handle the Fries.
This is just like logrolling.
No, it’s not.
People actually watch
this show.
And down goes Willem.
That might be their only shot
if Leigh makes this jump.
Slide into home base, baby.
She’s going for it.
Slide into home base!
We’re that much closer.
Yes!
And raise your virgin
margaritas to the sky,
it’s a gauntlet victory
for the Mocktails.
Logged & Loaded,
you don’t have to go home...
But you can’t stay here.
You guys are going
to the Wipeout Zone!
Let’s go, baby!
Lightweight!
Lightweight!
Lightweight, baby.
Mocktails are headed
to the final round,
and now the teetotaling
twosome
awaits their challenger.
Up next,
three more brave teams
duke it out in the gauntlet.
Then it’s the mother
of all obstacle courses,
the Wipeout Zone.
Yes!
An amazing effort!
Yes!
Did you get that little text
I sent you?
Aah!
Aah?
Ooh, yeah.
That was for Javier,
but it’s tasteful though,
right?
It’s very tasteful.
Thank you.
Welcome back to "Wipeout."
We just saw the Mocktails,
Leigh and John,
shake and stir
their way through the gauntlet.
Now it’s time for
the second heat to take a shot.
Nicole, any predictions?
Pain!
The teams
in heat number two
are the slamming
and jamming Hip Hop Beret...
What I’m going to do,
I’m just going to hug it.
Those shotskislurping
Sorority Sisters...
I think we have to keep,
like, good morale.
Yeah, yeah.
And the moderately magical
AbraCadabblers.
It’s a long way down.
It’s a long way down.
You guys, congratulations
on making it to the gauntlet.
Are you ready?
Yeah, Camille!
All right. Three, two, one!
Man.
Oh, my God. Don’t look down.
Don’t look down,
don’t look down.
Slam poet Kelsey
from the green team
is the first to drop.
That helmet weighed
her down.
I think she misses her beret.
Oh,!
I’m gonna go.
The Sorority Sisters
look nervous.
Listen, ladies.
This is your big sis,
Nicole here.
Phi Beta Gauntlet only accepts
the best and the bravest,
so when I say "jump,"
you jump.
Oh, Mary.
Hey. I didn’t say jump.
You said it three times,
Nicole.
.
Esai from Hip Hop Beret
showing everyone
that he can drop
a pretty nice hook.
Go. Go. Go.
You’ve got to improvise.
But that’s what freestyling
is all about, John.
You don’t need to tell me,
Nicole.
I’m a platinumselling
rap artist, after all.
So was Macklemore.
Now, he works
in a thrift shop.
Sorority Sister Ashley
lands.
Good.
Now, the Phi Beta Gauntlet
code of ethics
states don’t ever show up late
to the platform.
Oh, no, no, no!
Try again.
These girls have a long way
to go, John.
Esai is trying to make sure
that his revolution on
the CarousHell is televised,
and despite a rough beat
from the sweeper,
he lays it down nicely
to complete the obstacle.
But the gauntlet’s
a collaborative project,
and Kelsey needs to join him
for Hip Hop Beret to move on
to the Messy Mile.
Go, go, go!
And the slam poet duo
is now just one hellish
CarousHell ride away
from reuniting.
Slam on, Kels. This is what
dreams are made of right here.
Oh!
Wet dreams maybe.
That sweeper bar heard
the words "slam poet"
and it happily obliged.
Sorority girl Ashley
gives it another try.
Is that what a frat boy
slacker like you calls trying?
Get back up there, Ash!
Move it!
Is this necessary, Nicole?
Are you necessary?
Ow. Hurt my ear.
Sorry.
All right, Kelsey.
I want you to imagine
you’re writing the greatest
verse of your life.
I got this.
Kelsey
The CarousHell,
So hard to CarousHell
Hey, Nicole,
she made it over.
Oh. Nice.
Let’s go, team!
Okay. The Amazing Alex’s
lovely assistant Kelly
gives it her first try
for the AbraCadabblers.
Ooh, John, that’s his
girlfriend, not his assistant.
Oh, well, she seems lovely.
Hey, speaking of Alex,
here he is
hoping he can pull a rabbit
out of his butt
with this drop.
You mean hat.
Hat out of his butt? No.
I don’t think that’s right.
And, voilà.
He does it.
The AbraCadabblers
might finally
be getting some magic going
here in the gauntlet,
but Alex sure is taking
a while
to jump to the next post.
He’s a performer, John.
He’s got to create suspense.
And now for his next trick,
can the Amazing Alex
make the dreaded
3andsomechangefoot leap
to the next platform?
The onlookers are holding
their breath.
And there it is.
How does he do it?
But can he do it again?
Let’s not stick around
to find out.
Over on the other side
of the gauntlet,
Hip Hop Beret is getting
a 200gallon
"Ice Ice Baby" bath
on Mount Wipeout.
John, your oldness
is stressing me out.
Right there on the platform.
We’ve got to go.
Don’t count the
AbraCadabblers out yet
as Alex pulls
a hanging Houdini
over the sweeper bar
and completes the CarousHell.
Yeah!
Of course, he can’t advance
without his lovely assistant,
Kelly.
Girlfriend!
Girlfriend. Sorry.
Girlfriend.
Hip Hop Beret making
progress in the Pummel Pool
as we Esai gets over
that first pink ball.
You got it, Kels.
Hold on.
I’m leaking.
I hope it’s wisdom
she’s leaking.
If you’re going to, like,
belly flop it,
do that and then just slide
on out, baby.
Let’s see if Esai’s advice
works.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
Oh, shh.
Kelsey’s used to going off
the top of the dome,
but she got one off
the front of it right there.
Ouch.
You guys are so close
to that 25,000.
Don’t forget it.
All right. Hold me down.
Will this pink ball
continue to spell trouble
for Slam Poet Kelsey?
Interesting strategy as Esai
stabilizes the Tippy Table.
Yes.
This time she makes it over.
She got it.
Now that’s teamwork.
Take notes, John.
Noted.
Back at the CarousHell...
Oh, oh!
For the sisterhood.
Oh, well, the gauntlet life
isn’t for everybody.
Good thing I collected
their dues beforehand.
Back at the Pummel Pool,
it looks like Kelsey
is choosing the French Fries
over the Lollipop.
This doesn’t tilt,
does it?
Tilt? No.
That would be way too cruel.
All right.
I’m going to try this guy.
But it slides like a mother.
Baby, you’re sweet like
candy, let’s go.
Kelsey hoping some
strangely time flirting
will help Esai
on the Spinning Lollipop.
Yes, baby!
Esai’s on a ride.
And like they’ve done
many times before,
this rhyming duo shares
the stage once again.
Fly to me.
It’s all you, baby. Yeah.
And, it’s a successful
stage dive.
Just one more
to bring it home.
And Kelsey with
the mic drop finish.
Oh, don’t slip there.
Yes!
I don’t think I want
to give you a slimy highfive.
Wise move, Camille.
She was leaking earlier.
Esai still needs to make
a couplet with Kelsey
in that winner’s circle.
Hip Hop Beret
is one hop away.
And there he goes,
over the final pink ball,
and Hip Hop Beret
has slammed the door shut
on the gauntlet.
That’s what
I’m talking about.
Congratulations! You’re going
to the Wipeout Zone!
We got a winner.
Back to you.
There it is. Hip Hop Beret
Kelsey and Esai
will compete against
the Mocktails,
Leigh and John,
in the Wipeout Zone.
Who will win it all
the bar spinners
or the bar quitters?
So much is on the line.
25,000 bucks.
A date with Nicole Byer.
A date with Nicole Byer.
So much.
The Wipeout Zone is next.
Welcome back to "Wipeout,"
starring Nicole Byer.
And...
And isn’t she great?
I don’t know, John.
What else do you want me
to say about myself?
I’m trying to be humble.
What about me?
Well, it’s a lot easier
for you to be humble.
I mean look at yourself.
Look at you.
We’re down to two teams
here in the Wipeout Zone
ready to battle for $25,000.
Let’s get to the action.
We’ve made it to the top
of the mountain,
the Wipeout Zone.
This colossal course
is made up of four stages,
done relay style,
with each contestant
attempting two obstacles.
The first team member
will get shot out
from our speeding
Silver Bullet
into freezing cold
waters below.
From there, they’ll swim
to the giant Spinning Vertigo,
where they’ll attempt to
maneuver from peg to peg
without losing their grip
or their lunch.
They’ll need to press
the button in the middle
to lower the bridge before
they can leap to safety.
That’s when they’ll tag
their partner
to take on the Leap of Faith,
where they’ll have
to launch themselves
onto one of the spinning arms,
maintain their balance,
and jump to the narrow
platform on the other side.
It’s tough, but if they
successfully make it across,
they’ll arrive
at the final challenge.
The Triple Threat.
If the contestant
can somehow make it
from one spinning hexagon
to the next
and safely leap
to the final platform
faster than their competition,
they’ll take home $25,000.
And the two teams about
to take on this monstrosity
are the lovable wordsmiths,
Hip Hop Beret,
and those bartending
buzzkills, the Mocktails.
You’ve got to
slam the competition.
Esai and his slam
poet partner, Kelsey,
have used their gift of gab
to lift each other up
throughout the competition,
but can they write
their final verse
with a Wipeout Zone victory?
Three, two, one.
And, Esai is on a flight
to Lake Wipeout.
Big splash.
No surprise he’s using
the freestyle
swim stroke right there.
Yes, Esai. Let’s go.
Let’s go.
Esai must get to the
platform, mount the obstacle,
make it to the middle,
hit the button.
Once he hits the button
that gate on the other side
of the obstacle
will come down,
he can safely negotiate
to the other side.
He’s having a little trouble
with the platform, by the way.
Get up there. Get up there.
He’s a poet. He takes
his platform very seriously.
And, he finally makes it on
to the Vertigo.
Get in there. He got it.
He’s made it to the middle
rather quickly.
Whoa!
Gates down.
Whoa. That’s pretty fast.
Let it bring you up.
If he can get his bearings
and let loose to Kelsey,
I think they’re in good shape.
Let’s go, Es. Get up there.
Ride it around again.
Uhoh.
Whoooohooh!
Whoa!
That’s
slam poetry right there.
You got it, E. Let’s go.
It’s 30 degrees here
in the Wipeout Zone...
Ooh!
And ice has formed
on the ramp,
making it really
difficult to navigate.
It seems as if Mother Nature
has dealt Esai a tragic end.
Yes.
The frozen tundra
of Wipeout Stadium.
That is the most unexpected
wipeout of "Wipeout," folks.
Yes.
Like a human inch worm.
Yeah. Oh, no.
Okay. Hold on.
Esai looks exhausted.
This is a relay race,
but if Esai
takes longer than 10 minutes
to complete the Vertigo
he’ll time out and his partner
can go without being tagged,
and they still have a chance,
but they really
have to act fast.
Yes.
Ramp. Ramp.
Ramp.
Oh!
That was my one
try at slam poetry.
Ramp. Ramp. Why, ramp?
Why, ramp,
do you forsake me, ramp?
Ramp is damp. Ramp is damp.
Step down.
Esai has made
his way up the ramp.
Made it.
Okay. Here we go.
He’s there and he doesn’t
have to hit the button,
he just has to jump
to the other side.
And he looks like he’s
in a great position to do so.
Yes. Now jump, jump.
You’ve got to leap.
There he goes.
Oh!
I could see
his thought process.
Yes.
But I still didn’t look away.
I didn’t look away.
You’ve got it, buddy.
Keep pushing.
I can’t do it again.
That’s the horn.
Esai has timed out,
so Kelsey is now free
to take a Leap of Faith.
Okay.
She’s got to leap on
to the Swinging Arm
and land safely on the
platform on the other side.
Looks and sounds simple,
but as you can see,
that’s the beauty of it.
It’s like poetry in motion.
Yes. Poetry to my eyes.
Kelsey with attempt two.
Yeah. You’ve got this.
She’s giving us the high
sign, she’s okay.
Will she make good on it?
Now all she has to do is land
safely on the platform,
and she made it.
Awesome job, Kelsey!
Awesome job.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Quick Triple Threat
and you’ve got this.
Her first jump.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
She has mounted
the first threat,
seems to find her balance,
didn’t quite work out.
No. But she and Esai
are in the Wet Poet’s Society.
Kelsey... attempting...
the Triple Threat.
Will she go... and get all wet?
I think it’s time
for me retire.
No, don’t. The world needs
your poetry, John Cena.
It does not.
It does.
It does not.
It does.
There you go, Kels.
She looks a little more
determined now.
On to the next.
There you go.
Yes.
She’s hanging on.
Come on, Kelsey.
You’ve got it.
One more threat to go
to that landing pad.
Last jump...
ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!
Yes.
Yes, Kelsey.
Come on.
Yeah!
Kelsey! Yes! Awesome job.
She cleared the Triple Threat
and has finished the course.
Yes.
An amazing effort.
Yes.
Hip Hop Beret
completes the Wipeout Zone
with a time of 16:16.
We made it rhyme.
Will the Mocktails top their
time
and take home the $25,000?
Find out next.
We’re back.
I mean, you’re back.
I never left.
Where do you go
during these breaks?
I got a lot of stuff going
on. I’m very popular, Nicole.
A lot of people
want to talk to me.
People want to talk to you?
You’re the only person I’ve
ever met who answers his phone
when it says may be spam.
Let’s go back
to the Wipeout Zone.
Earlier we saw Hip Hop Beret
finish the Wipeout Zone
with a time of 16 minutes
and 16 seconds.
Not exactly a shortform poem.
But it might be enough
if those stonecold
sober Mocktails
can’t keep a clear head.
This Wipeout Zone
is as belligerent as they get.
So far bartender Leigh
and her teammate John
have ridden their high on
life energy up to this point,
but will it carry them
all the way? Let’s find out.
Let’s do this.
Nicole, how are you?
I’m single. How are you?
I’m single as well.
Ooh!
So, love could be
in the air tonight.
Oh, boy.
Will I take a mustache ride?
I will.
We’re ready.
Three, two, one.
There goes Leigh
Yay.
Off on that 64foot drop.
Air, Leigh, baby.
Let’s go.
Beautiful landing.
You got this.
Leigh approaches Vertigo.
Now she must mount
the obstacle,
make it to the middle,
hit the button
in the middle
to let the gate
on the other side come down
and then hopefully make it
to the other side.
Ride that like a bull, baby.
You’ve done it before.
Ooh, Some insight into
Leigh’s leisure activities.
Very nice.
She made it. She’s still up.
She’s still on.
Okay.
She’s got to negotiate
the way to the middle.
Yes.
Wait until it gets
a little lower.
Beautiful, Leigh.
Beautiful.
It’s all right.
It’s all right.
I justI need Leigh to,
like, get this going
because
I need to see John up close.
Nicole needs her John fix?
Here we go, baby.
Come on now.
Now, will you be this
supportive if he’s not what
he seems as he gets closer?
Yes. I don’t want him
to be a Monet.
Okay. Fair.
Second attempt ever.
You got this. Here we go.
I like that clap.
Now, let’s hope Leigh
is the only one
with the clap on
the course today.
Yeah. Yes, Leigh.
Yeah. Sneak down.
Nice. Love that, baby.
She’s made it to the middle.
Yes.
Strikes the button.
Yes.
The gate is down.
Get to me now, Leigh.
John’s fired up.
Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.
Is this going to be
an attempt? Nope, nope, nope.
Time to crawl, time to crawl.
Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
But I think
she set herself up.
I’m ready for you.
I think she’s going to make
a go for it.
Yes. Yes, Leigh. Yes.
She made it.
Release the John!
Leap of Faith now.
John has scooted out
to the edge of that platform.
He’s going to jump,
hopefully, stay there
Oh, dang.
Well...
So much for that.
He’s going to test out
the wet suit.
I hope it didn’t mess up
his mustache.
So much is on the line.
That’s all right.
$25,000.
25,000 bucks.
A date with Nicole Byer.
A date with Nicole Byer.
So much.
And I eat a lot,
so he’s going to
have to win that money.
This is my sperm donor,
everyone.
Ooh.
Oh!
All right.
Okay.
So a lot of surprises
on today’s show.
Truly.
John back up
for attempt number two
at the Leap of Faith.
Okay. Yeah.
He made it.
All he has to do is land
safely on the platform.
Here’s the attempt.
Yeah.
He holds on. He’s negotiated
a Leap of Faith,
and it’s on to
to the Triple Threat.
And the date with Nicole.
John, you can do it, bud.
You can do it.
John makes his way on to
the first hexagon.
He’s hanging on...
Dang.
And in the drink he goes.
Precious time continues
to run off the clock.
I hope his sperm
is doing okay
after hitting
that ice cold water.
John, you got it, baby.
No worries.
25,00 bucks.
Here we go.
Here we go. Remember,
they’ve got to beat
Hip Hop Beret’s time of
16 minutes and 16 seconds,
but it looks like
Triple Threat’s
giving John some trouble.
He is one more threat away.
Okay.
He’s going to make a jump.
Look at this.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!
He’s got a chance.
Go. Go.
That looked like it hurt.
It did. It did.
That looked like it hurt.
Come on, John.
Do it for the John in us.
Onto that first threat
he goes.
They had a lot of time
to work with
at the start of this thing,
but that window keeps getting
smaller and smaller.
Yep.
25,000
on the other side
of this obstacle.
Yes. Yes.
Here we go.
Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.
Yes!
Ah yes!
Yeah, John!
Whoo!
Amazing effort!
I like that view.
Congratulations.
You just won the Wipeout Zone!
Yes.
Yes.
$25,000!
I’ll be your sperm donor.
That’s exciting.
We may be saying things
because we’re emotional,
but if we’re not,
that’s awesome.
I love you.
I love you too.
Can I have a kiss?
I love you.
I love you, bro.
The Wipeout Zone sure wasn’t
the friendliest customers
they’ve encountered,
but the Mocktails end
their shift
with a nice chunk of cash
in their pockets.
So drink up, everybody.
First round’s on them.
Well, that does it for
another stellar episode
of "Wipeout."
It truly was exemplary.
Think you’re saying
the same thing as me,
but I’m just too tired
to look it up.
I’m John Cena.
And for Camille Kostek,
I’m Nicole Byer
saying
good night and big balls.
This is wild.
No, this is "Wipeout."
Oh.
The Big Balls are back,
America.
I’m Nicole Byer.
And I’m John Cena.
We’ll be your guides
as we reintroduce you
to the most insane
competition show known to man.
She got hit hard.
That’s the game of "Wipeout."
Banzai!
of the $25,000 grand prize.
The courses are crazier...
The contestants
are bendier...
That one’s gotta hurt.
And the hosts are sexier.
This body doesn’t
happen overnight.
It also doesn’t happen
by taking shirtless selfies
in the gym mirror
for 45 minutes.
both: Welcome back, America,
to "Wipeout"!
Hello, America,
and welcome to "Wipeout."
I’m John Cena and I’m here
with Nicole Byer.
Nicole,
the level of competition
we’ve seen this season has been
remarkable.
I’ve caught the competitive
bug myself hosting this show.
Oh, have you?
Every morning I wake up,
I look at myself in the mirror,
and I say "Nicole,
you are going to be better
than John today."
And guess what?
It works every time.
You know, how about
we just tell everyone
Tell everyone
how the qualifier works!
I beat you!
And I was louder than you!
That’s what makes a good host:
volume!
Ten teams face
the qualifier today,
a fivepart obstacle course
behemoth.
First up, they’ll have
to choose a path
as they navigate
through the Sweep and Weep.
Then it’s a trip up and down
the stairs of the Nutcracker.
Next up,
a "Wipeout" classic,
the Big Balls.
Make it across and grab
Smallsy for a $250 bonus.
After that,
it’s the Body Blender.
Jump the hurdles or get
cut down in the process.
And finally,
the players end
with the swinging and swaying
Jigglelator
before a final leap
to the finish platform.
The six fastest teams
to finish the qualifier
will make it through
to the next round.
How’s the tension
on the ground, Camille?
It’s getting pretty
heated up here.
You guys,
the tension is so thick.
You could cut it with a knife
or the side of a sturdy fork.
Hey, Camille, let’s meet
Our first team!
Let’s meet our first team!
Yes. I won again.
It’s not a competition.
You’re only saying that
because I’m winning, Cena.
First up, it’s team
Hip Hop Beret.
I’m down here
with Kelsey and Esai.
Tell me about yourselves.
We are a slam poetry
competition duo.
Yes, we are.
Literary dream team.
both: Up.
all:
Okay.
If they think
that’s slamming...
Go, go, go.
Just wait until Esai
finds out
what kind of beat the
Sweep and Weep can whip up.
Whoo!
Onomatopoeia.
Ooh!
Let’s go!
Now that’s a powerful bar.
Whoo!
letting go of the pen there.
Getting past that sweeper
was not to be.
Hey, John,
I wrote a slam poem myself.
You want to hear it?
Of course.
To conquer the qualifier
requires Big Balls, oohahh
But the bigger the ball
The bigger the falls,
oohahh
You’ll hop and you’ll drop
And you’ll swim
and you’ll plop, oohahh
Just beware of what hides
in the walls
Powerful stuff.
Kelsey and Esai clock
in an impressive
8 minutes and 27 seconds.
They may be slamming on
to the gauntlet,
and from poetry slamming
to log jamming.
This is Logged & Loaded,
Dani and Willem.
They met on a logrolling team
in college.
What’s logrolling?
The two opponents balance
on a log
and they roll
to knock off the other one.
There’s no way they have
college teams for that.
We know they’re good
with logs,
but can they handle the Balls?
Perfectly phrased question
that no one can take
the wrong way, John.
both: Whoa!
Is that a logrolling skill?
I’m starting to come around
on this thing.
Here’s my logrolling.
She even makes logrolling
sexy.
Is there anything
this girl can’t do?
It’s tough to not
fall in the water.
Logged & Loaded
is a little behind the pace
set by Hip Hop Beret.
We’ll see how that shakes out,
but for now,
let’s meet our next team.
I’m down here
with Alex and Kelly.
Do you have any hobbies, Alex?
Yeah. I’m actually
a aspiring magician.
Usually, saying that
makes women disappear.
So what was your card?
The Queen of Diamonds.
Correct. No, really,
it’s the Queen of Diamonds.
Aspiring magician, eh?
These AbraCadabblers
came to the right place.
Welcome to
the Wipeout Magic Academy.
The first thing every magician
needs is a wand.
The bigger the better,
we say.
It looks like that wand
might be too much for him
to handle.
You don’t choose the wand,
John.
The wand chooses you.
Ow.
Explore the magical
Wipeout campus
with its enchanted corridors,
storied halls,
and illustrious
Ooh.
Trap doors?
There’s a couple.
Learn potionmaking
at one of our worldfamous
Big Balldrons.
What’s a balldron?
Big ball cauldron.
Keep up, John.
And of course,
master the art of
levitation.
I think these two are ready
now for a trick of my own.
See these two
certified illusionists?
Yeah.
Now you don’t.
Amazing.
Next up, another nice couple,
Jamaica and James,
bakery shop owners, married,
andoh, what’s that?
Wow. Vanilla.
Yes.
That’s a vanilla?
Just imagine how big
the chocolate one is.
Nicole!
John, don’t be
such a cakeblocker.
This is nuts.
I’m Jamaica.
And I’m James.
And we’re naughty.
Bakers. We’re naughty bakers.
When we started dating
and got married
and came to LA, I wanted to do
cakes, cupcakes, cookies.
We do birthday cakes,
but we also do a lot
of erotic cakes and pastries.
It’s always the ones
you least expect.
Thank goodness
for the censors.
Here’s James
on the cracker.
Why are you bleeping
yourself?
I’m not taking any more
chances with these two.
But you can say Nutcracker.
Yeah! On Cinemax.
Ooh, wow!
That really him.
Hey!
I said smacked.
Don’t you dare start
bleeping me.
For the bakery!
Now James moves on
to the big
inflated
Balls, John.
Can’t say that.
Stop that!
Give me the bleeper!
No!
It’s mine!
You took it.
Here’s Jamaica
getting blasted
with some major
on the Jigglelator.
You know what, John?
If bleeping makes you happy,
who am I to stop you?
Aww.
you, Nicole.
What?
Thank you.
I said thank you.
Sorry. I accidentally
pressed it that time.
Well, with a time
of 12 minutes and 44 seconds,
the Naughty Bakers
need a miracle
if they want to move on
to the gauntlet.
Mm!
This cake is so good.
I feel kinda naughty
eating it, though.
I hope my family
isn’t watching.
Mm.
Get your mind outta the gutter.
Yeah.
Let’s ride these sugar jitters
into part two
of the qualifier, America.
More sinfully delicious
wipeouts are on the way.
You know, if you really
think about it, it is wild.
Why are there state lines
and why are they all
squiggles?
Yeah, right,
Welcome back to "Wipeout."
I’m John Cena
here with Nicole Byer,
and we just saw our first few
teams tackle the qualifier.
I noticed that the teams
that really encourage
each other down on the course
usually perform better.
I mean, just look at them.
Let’s go, babe!
A little pain
for a lot of reward.
So I was thinking instead
of competing with you,
I would be
more supportive of you.
Oh.
Thanks, Nicole.
That would make me
really happy.
Well, let’s continue
on with our
Whoohoo!
Go, John! You host that show!
John! John! John! John!
John!
All right, Camille,
who’s our next team?
Yes! You did it!
My love, will you?
Of course.
Yes!
Camille’s in trouble!
Kneel before me, my lady.
No, no,
she’s getting knighted
by these two
theme park performers,
Princess Julia
and Prince Luke.
In the name of the kingdom
of Wipeoutlandia,
I hereby raise you
noble lady of the realm.
Congratulations,
Sir Camille.
I think you call her a
a dame?
Thank you.
It’s 2021, Nicole.
I don’t think you can
call women that anymore.
I feel royal already.
Thank you.
Prince Luke gallivants
up the Nutcracker.
Just when you thought
things couldn’t get any worse
for the royal family.
Oh, it’s bad.
Have you seen "The Crown"?
John, quit trying to get me
to watch "The Crown."
How about a background
package instead?
Sure.
My name is Princess Julia.
And I am Prince Luke.
We have come
from faraway lands
to accomplish but one goal.
To conquer the kingdom
of Wipeout.
Charge!
We have been dating
for about a year now.
He slid into the royal DMs.
I hope to fare very well
on the Wipeout course,
though I am used to being
pampered as a princess,
and I don’t think the course
will treat me
very much like royalty.
Come on!
All rise for Her Majesty.
Ow!
The Motivator making her
take a bow.
I think that knocked
the fake English accent
out of her.
This is worse
than the Red Wedding.
Yeah, well, at least
there were drinks there.
Almost!
Well, I would say this course
isn’t fit for a king
ora queen.
With the clock ticking past
6 minutes,
the royals
need to pick up the pace
if they want to party on
to the next round.
Forget the next round.
I want to party now
with my girl, Camille.
She is the most soughtafter
"Wipeout" party guest
around town.
Here, she’s tearing up
the dance floor
at Club Tank Top Don’t Stop.
Good thing she ducked down
before things got too crazy.
Ooh.
Yeah.
Once it rains, people,
I’m out, too.
Well, she also had
a sorority party to crash.
Look at her downing
that shotski like a champ.
John, Nicole,
I know you’re jealous.
Jealous of you? Yes.
Jealous of her? No.
Bend forward and snapping.
Snapping.
Her wild night ain’t over
yet.
She showed up
to this bachelorette bash
just in time to see some skin.
Camille can’t stop, y’all.
This is the model,
this is a trainer.
I do what I do.
Cut the music.
What makes us think
that we can just
show that man’s bare chest
on national television?
I mean, look at the indecency,
John.
I need you to acknowledge
how irresponsible it is
to broadcast those perfectly
defined abdominal muscles
to everybody in the world.
Now, someone bring me
that footage immediately.
I need to make sure it never
sees the light of day again.
Okay, look.
Here he is, shirt back on,
getting wiped out.
Feel better?
Serves him right.
Now, who do we haves next?
Next up,
it’s Eliza and Sarah.
Show us your kitties!
Hey, now!
Family show, remember?
No.
She said show us your kitties.
That’s worse.
Well, I’m not showing that,
either.
Cats, Nicole.
Like kittens.
Whatever floats your boat.
Well, let’s see
these Crazy Cat Ladies
put their catlike reflexes
to the test on the Nutcracker.
You okay?
Yeah. Sorry.
I’m just a little allergic.
You got this, Sarah.
Oh!
Right in the whiskers.
Well, it’s a good thing they
started with nine cat lives
because that definitely
scratched one off the total.
Here’s Eliza trying not to
pull a copycat of her sister.
Oh.
Neutered by the Nutcracker.
You are a very fit cat.
She tried to land
on all fours there,
too bad there was nowhere
to land.
And
that would be seven lives.
Well, after losing a couple
more of their cat lives
in the qualifier,
the Crazy Cat Ladies
just barely claw their way
into the next round
with a time of 12 minutes
and 20 seconds.
Still,
that was harder to watch
than "Cats" the movie.
You must of watched
it sober, then.
Speaking of sober...
these are the Mocktails,
sober bartending buds,
Leigh and John.
Here’s my glass.
I thought sober bartenders
only existed in theory,
like vegan butchers
or celibate porn stars.
Nicole!
That was the coolest shot
I ever took.
I’m Leigh.
And I’m John.
And we are...
Bartenders.
Who wants a drink?
I love flipping the bottles
behind the bar.
Yeah.
I love watching you do it.
Do you know how much money
we’ve made off of me flairing?
Do you know how much money
we’ve lost
because I’m watching you
flair things?
We have prepared strenuously
and intensely
for these courses.
Smallsy is mine!
Later, Smalls!
Bartenders.
Boom, baby.
It’s hard to get through
the qualifier
without getting smashed,
You got it!
You got it, baby! Yes, sir!
Yes, sir! Lohh!
Sober John’s doing good
at abstaining from
that sweeper bar.
Oh.
and just like that,
he falls off the wagon.
John already looking
a little woozy
as he approaches
the Big Balls.
Woozy?
I’d say he looks hammered.
Oh!
You got it! You got it, John!
That’s not stopping him
from driving all the way
to Vampire Smallsy’s house,
and picking up
his Big Ball bonus.
You got it!
Vampire Smallsy just gave
John a monstrous $250 tip.
Let’s hope he doesn’t blow
it all on Shirley Temples.
Here’s John’s teammate,
Leigh, on the Jigglelator.
How are you feeling
right now?
Terrible.
You got this, Leigh!
Any tips for Leigh
oh!
Swim!
I think we learned today
that if you try to stay clean,
dry, and soberminded,
stay away from the qualifier.
They have too much
good stuff on tap.
Dude, how you doing?
I threw up.
You did?
You did?
Yep.
Clean up on the qualifier.
We’ve all been there, girl.
Well, despite the mess,
the Mocktails finished
a fraction of a second ahead
of Hip Hop Beret,
giving them the fastest time
in the qualifier.
Also moving on
to the gauntlet will be
the Logged & Loaded
logrollers,
the Sorority Sisters,
AbraCadabblers,
and our Crazy Cat Ladies.
Cat ladies, logrollers,
and sorority girls, oh my!
We gauntlet you miss this.
Oof.
I had to say it
at least once.
You’ve never seen
"Pocahontas"?
No.
Really?
Never seen it.
if you take away the fact
that she was 14
and unwilling
to marry John Smith.
Welcome back to "Wipeout."
Six teams have made it
past the qualifier
and on to the next round.
One step closer to the 25K.
What is it about
watching people
get knocked around the course
that makes us feel so good?
Well, it could be that
when you witness a fellow
human being getting hurled
to and fro by obstacles...
there’s part of us
that sees ourselves
and we don’t feel so alone.
Well, for me,
it’s the funny noises they make
when they get hit.
Yeah, you’re right.
Let’s hear about
what will be providing
more of those hits in our
next course, the gauntlet.
The gauntlet will be done
in two heats.
Each heat, three teams
competing at the same time
will be practically
climbing over one another
starting at the CarousHell.
Then, it’s a foot race
through the disgusting mud
pits and slippery slopes
of the Messy Mile.
And finally,
the Pummel Pool,
where the choice between
the revolving French Fries
and the giant,
spinning Lollipop
could make or break it all.
The first team to have both
members cross the finish line
moves on to the Wipeout Zone.
Teams taking on the gauntlet
in this first heat
are the sober,
bottleslinging Mocktails...
We got it.
Cakewalk, baby.
Let’s go.
Get your mind right.
Logrolling duo,
Logged & Loaded...
Pull up a little bit
so your arms
have a little bit of slack.
Oh, yeah, and then, like
And the feisty and fuzzy
Crazy Cat Ladies.
Well, we need to land
on our feet.
Okay.
Are you guys ready?
We got it!
Yeah!
Here we go, Leigh!
Let’s go, baby!
Here we go!
Three, two, one!
Heat one, here we go.
Come on, baby. You got it.
Dude, this is high.
Okay.
Do you want to go?
This is tall, this is tall.
this is tall, this is tall,
this is tall, this is tall.
This is tall, this is tall.
I knew sending a camera guy
to space would pay off.
Stay strong out there, Miles.
Sober bartender John
is eager
to put the Mocktails ahead
early
and is rocking that pink,
I must say.
And Willem
from the orange team
wants to get a feel for the
water temperature, apparently.
Must be a logroller thing.
Now, on the CarousHell.
John takes a big hit
from the sweeper,
but hangs on
to that hanging hoop.
We’re chilling,
we’re chilling.
We’re just floating
thinking about things.
Logged & Loaded Dani
showing her roller boy
teammate how it’s done.
Mocktail John goes
for second round of shots
against the Sweeper Bar.
Oh, we’re going to get
another hit right here.
Take it. Oh, my God.
How about a double?
Again!
That one’s on the house.
And just like that,
Mocktail John’s the first
to safely reach
the end of the CarousHell.
We made it, we made it,
Leigh! Here we go!
But Leigh’s got
to meet him there to advance.
And Leigh sticks to landing
on the propeller.
There it is, there it is!
They have the quickest
qualifier time
and now the Mocktails are in
business here in the gauntlet.
Logroller Dani
gets past the Sweeper Bar.
And you’re about
just in time!
Duck for the wrecking ball!
Don’t Miley Cyrus it.
You only got it coming like
a wrecking ball here.
Easy with the jokes there,
Abstinence Kutcher.
Thank you.
Now it’s Leigh’s turn
to take a ride around
the CarousHell.
Yup!
No sweeper is going
to stop her either,
as Leigh joins John
on the platform,
and the Mocktails move on
to the Messy Mile.
Sober bartenders
for the win, baby.
Sobriety rules!
With just four cat lives
left after the qualifier,
the Crazy Cat Ladies are sure
looking extra scaredy...
Cats. Cats are not
scared of heights.
Right?
Mmhmm.
And gauntlet wipeouts
are worth double.
Don’t like it? Tough kitties!
I make the rules.
Ooh!
Sarah sure pounced off
that ledge in a hurry.
Are you sure there
aren’t fish in that water?
I hope not, John.
I bathe in that tank.
Now the cat ladies are down
to their last two cat lives.
Let’s see if they
can make them count.
Ugh.
And call in the cat rescue.
And finally, logroller Willem
breaks loose from the log jam
at the top of the course.
You got it, you got it!
Yes.
And now is the perfect time
because Mocktail Leigh
is still feeling the effects
of the qualifier hangover.
I will meet you over there.
I believe in you.
Team Logged & Loaded
is gaining ground
at the CarousHell,
but oh, no!
Willem having
a major Mufasa moment
at the edge of the cliff!
What’s she waiting for?
Go help him.
Come on.
Hang on.
Are we witnessing
a deep betrayal of trust
between these two
logrolling companions?
Was this Dani’s plan all along
so she could
become queen of Pride Log?
Can you help me?
Okay.
Oh, my God, so much fun.
Thanks so much.
Aww.
She’s helping him.
Aww. It’s so cute.
Aww, it
Oh, my God.
You saved my life.
Yeah,
a thanks would be nice.
Oh, my God. I’m literally
going to start crying.
With Logged & Loaded now
on their trail,
the Mocktails have
finally reached Mount Wipeout.
Let’s see how good they are
on the rocks.
At least it’s warm.
Thanks for letting us know.
We gotta fix that.
We were born for this!
Let’s go, Leigh.
The sober duo
reaches the peak,
but the high won’t last long
because next
is the final part of
the course, the Pummel Pool.
Easy peasy, baby.
We lost our nine lives.
Cats don’t like the water.
As Logged & Loaded
inches closer...
Ah, that got my ear!
The Mocktails are
at the Pummel Pool
figuring out how in the world
they’re going to stay dry.
We’ve got to balance
that slippery.
Yeah.
Err on the side of far away.
That’s slippery, too.
I love this.
Strategizing.
Let’s see if
the strategizing works.
John bounces over
the pink ball
and gets a little too tipsy.
I got this.
and makes it over nicely
to the next platform.
Nice, Leigh.
Yeah. Nicely.
John mimics
his Mocktail partner,
and the sober bartenders are
one step closer to the finish.
Don’t pop
the sparkling cider yet.
Dani and Willem are blending
into the Pummel Pool,
and our loggers are drifting
closer to the Mocktails.
John and Leigh are making
the allimportant choice
between the Spinning Lollipop
or the French Fries.
What do you want to do, man?
I might say it.
I might try this.
Got it. You got it, John.
Let’s do it.
Any bit of hesitation
through the Fries
and you will get wiped out.
Execute, baby. Execute.
Here we go.
Looks like John’s
going Fries.
My favorite drunk food.
John staggers
through those things
like Kiefer Sutherland leaving
a holiday party.
I kid.
Kiefer’s a frenemy.
Oh!
Not anymore.
First attempt
through the Fries!
Still, Logged & Loaded
is right on the heels
of Mocktails
but Willem falls off
the Tippy Table.
Make way for the mustache.
Let’s go!
Here’s John’s last call
as he hops over the last ball
and slides to the finish.
Whoo!
Let’s go!
Come on, now!
Yeah!
It’s not closing time yet,
though.
Logrolling Dani gets past the
pink ball and makes it over.
Can the log boy do the same?
Yes, yes, yes.
Yes!
Now they’re both
on the platform.
Let’s go, Leigh!
Mocktail Leigh tries to
make it past the French Fries.
Go.
Let’s go.
She does it!
Whooee!
With just one pink ball to go
for Leigh,
the Logrollers are making
their final push.
Oh, oh! But Dani
can’t handle the Fries.
This is just like logrolling.
No, it’s not.
People actually watch
this show.
And down goes Willem.
That might be their only shot
if Leigh makes this jump.
Slide into home base, baby.
She’s going for it.
Slide into home base!
We’re that much closer.
Yes!
And raise your virgin
margaritas to the sky,
it’s a gauntlet victory
for the Mocktails.
Logged & Loaded,
you don’t have to go home...
But you can’t stay here.
You guys are going
to the Wipeout Zone!
Let’s go, baby!
Lightweight!
Lightweight!
Lightweight, baby.
Mocktails are headed
to the final round,
and now the teetotaling
twosome
awaits their challenger.
Up next,
three more brave teams
duke it out in the gauntlet.
Then it’s the mother
of all obstacle courses,
the Wipeout Zone.
Yes!
An amazing effort!
Yes!
Did you get that little text
I sent you?
Aah!
Aah?
Ooh, yeah.
That was for Javier,
but it’s tasteful though,
right?
It’s very tasteful.
Thank you.
Welcome back to "Wipeout."
We just saw the Mocktails,
Leigh and John,
shake and stir
their way through the gauntlet.
Now it’s time for
the second heat to take a shot.
Nicole, any predictions?
Pain!
The teams
in heat number two
are the slamming
and jamming Hip Hop Beret...
What I’m going to do,
I’m just going to hug it.
Those shotskislurping
Sorority Sisters...
I think we have to keep,
like, good morale.
Yeah, yeah.
And the moderately magical
AbraCadabblers.
It’s a long way down.
It’s a long way down.
You guys, congratulations
on making it to the gauntlet.
Are you ready?
Yeah, Camille!
All right. Three, two, one!
Man.
Oh, my God. Don’t look down.
Don’t look down,
don’t look down.
Slam poet Kelsey
from the green team
is the first to drop.
That helmet weighed
her down.
I think she misses her beret.
Oh,!
I’m gonna go.
The Sorority Sisters
look nervous.
Listen, ladies.
This is your big sis,
Nicole here.
Phi Beta Gauntlet only accepts
the best and the bravest,
so when I say "jump,"
you jump.
Oh, Mary.
Hey. I didn’t say jump.
You said it three times,
Nicole.
.
Esai from Hip Hop Beret
showing everyone
that he can drop
a pretty nice hook.
Go. Go. Go.
You’ve got to improvise.
But that’s what freestyling
is all about, John.
You don’t need to tell me,
Nicole.
I’m a platinumselling
rap artist, after all.
So was Macklemore.
Now, he works
in a thrift shop.
Sorority Sister Ashley
lands.
Good.
Now, the Phi Beta Gauntlet
code of ethics
states don’t ever show up late
to the platform.
Oh, no, no, no!
Try again.
These girls have a long way
to go, John.
Esai is trying to make sure
that his revolution on
the CarousHell is televised,
and despite a rough beat
from the sweeper,
he lays it down nicely
to complete the obstacle.
But the gauntlet’s
a collaborative project,
and Kelsey needs to join him
for Hip Hop Beret to move on
to the Messy Mile.
Go, go, go!
And the slam poet duo
is now just one hellish
CarousHell ride away
from reuniting.
Slam on, Kels. This is what
dreams are made of right here.
Oh!
Wet dreams maybe.
That sweeper bar heard
the words "slam poet"
and it happily obliged.
Sorority girl Ashley
gives it another try.
Is that what a frat boy
slacker like you calls trying?
Get back up there, Ash!
Move it!
Is this necessary, Nicole?
Are you necessary?
Ow. Hurt my ear.
Sorry.
All right, Kelsey.
I want you to imagine
you’re writing the greatest
verse of your life.
I got this.
Kelsey
The CarousHell,
So hard to CarousHell
Hey, Nicole,
she made it over.
Oh. Nice.
Let’s go, team!
Okay. The Amazing Alex’s
lovely assistant Kelly
gives it her first try
for the AbraCadabblers.
Ooh, John, that’s his
girlfriend, not his assistant.
Oh, well, she seems lovely.
Hey, speaking of Alex,
here he is
hoping he can pull a rabbit
out of his butt
with this drop.
You mean hat.
Hat out of his butt? No.
I don’t think that’s right.
And, voilà.
He does it.
The AbraCadabblers
might finally
be getting some magic going
here in the gauntlet,
but Alex sure is taking
a while
to jump to the next post.
He’s a performer, John.
He’s got to create suspense.
And now for his next trick,
can the Amazing Alex
make the dreaded
3andsomechangefoot leap
to the next platform?
The onlookers are holding
their breath.
And there it is.
How does he do it?
But can he do it again?
Let’s not stick around
to find out.
Over on the other side
of the gauntlet,
Hip Hop Beret is getting
a 200gallon
"Ice Ice Baby" bath
on Mount Wipeout.
John, your oldness
is stressing me out.
Right there on the platform.
We’ve got to go.
Don’t count the
AbraCadabblers out yet
as Alex pulls
a hanging Houdini
over the sweeper bar
and completes the CarousHell.
Yeah!
Of course, he can’t advance
without his lovely assistant,
Kelly.
Girlfriend!
Girlfriend. Sorry.
Girlfriend.
Hip Hop Beret making
progress in the Pummel Pool
as we Esai gets over
that first pink ball.
You got it, Kels.
Hold on.
I’m leaking.
I hope it’s wisdom
she’s leaking.
If you’re going to, like,
belly flop it,
do that and then just slide
on out, baby.
Let’s see if Esai’s advice
works.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
Oh, shh.
Kelsey’s used to going off
the top of the dome,
but she got one off
the front of it right there.
Ouch.
You guys are so close
to that 25,000.
Don’t forget it.
All right. Hold me down.
Will this pink ball
continue to spell trouble
for Slam Poet Kelsey?
Interesting strategy as Esai
stabilizes the Tippy Table.
Yes.
This time she makes it over.
She got it.
Now that’s teamwork.
Take notes, John.
Noted.
Back at the CarousHell...
Oh, oh!
For the sisterhood.
Oh, well, the gauntlet life
isn’t for everybody.
Good thing I collected
their dues beforehand.
Back at the Pummel Pool,
it looks like Kelsey
is choosing the French Fries
over the Lollipop.
This doesn’t tilt,
does it?
Tilt? No.
That would be way too cruel.
All right.
I’m going to try this guy.
But it slides like a mother.
Baby, you’re sweet like
candy, let’s go.
Kelsey hoping some
strangely time flirting
will help Esai
on the Spinning Lollipop.
Yes, baby!
Esai’s on a ride.
And like they’ve done
many times before,
this rhyming duo shares
the stage once again.
Fly to me.
It’s all you, baby. Yeah.
And, it’s a successful
stage dive.
Just one more
to bring it home.
And Kelsey with
the mic drop finish.
Oh, don’t slip there.
Yes!
I don’t think I want
to give you a slimy highfive.
Wise move, Camille.
She was leaking earlier.
Esai still needs to make
a couplet with Kelsey
in that winner’s circle.
Hip Hop Beret
is one hop away.
And there he goes,
over the final pink ball,
and Hip Hop Beret
has slammed the door shut
on the gauntlet.
That’s what
I’m talking about.
Congratulations! You’re going
to the Wipeout Zone!
We got a winner.
Back to you.
There it is. Hip Hop Beret
Kelsey and Esai
will compete against
the Mocktails,
Leigh and John,
in the Wipeout Zone.
Who will win it all
the bar spinners
or the bar quitters?
So much is on the line.
25,000 bucks.
A date with Nicole Byer.
A date with Nicole Byer.
So much.
The Wipeout Zone is next.
Welcome back to "Wipeout,"
starring Nicole Byer.
And...
And isn’t she great?
I don’t know, John.
What else do you want me
to say about myself?
I’m trying to be humble.
What about me?
Well, it’s a lot easier
for you to be humble.
I mean look at yourself.
Look at you.
We’re down to two teams
here in the Wipeout Zone
ready to battle for $25,000.
Let’s get to the action.
We’ve made it to the top
of the mountain,
the Wipeout Zone.
This colossal course
is made up of four stages,
done relay style,
with each contestant
attempting two obstacles.
The first team member
will get shot out
from our speeding
Silver Bullet
into freezing cold
waters below.
From there, they’ll swim
to the giant Spinning Vertigo,
where they’ll attempt to
maneuver from peg to peg
without losing their grip
or their lunch.
They’ll need to press
the button in the middle
to lower the bridge before
they can leap to safety.
That’s when they’ll tag
their partner
to take on the Leap of Faith,
where they’ll have
to launch themselves
onto one of the spinning arms,
maintain their balance,
and jump to the narrow
platform on the other side.
It’s tough, but if they
successfully make it across,
they’ll arrive
at the final challenge.
The Triple Threat.
If the contestant
can somehow make it
from one spinning hexagon
to the next
and safely leap
to the final platform
faster than their competition,
they’ll take home $25,000.
And the two teams about
to take on this monstrosity
are the lovable wordsmiths,
Hip Hop Beret,
and those bartending
buzzkills, the Mocktails.
You’ve got to
slam the competition.
Esai and his slam
poet partner, Kelsey,
have used their gift of gab
to lift each other up
throughout the competition,
but can they write
their final verse
with a Wipeout Zone victory?
Three, two, one.
And, Esai is on a flight
to Lake Wipeout.
Big splash.
No surprise he’s using
the freestyle
swim stroke right there.
Yes, Esai. Let’s go.
Let’s go.
Esai must get to the
platform, mount the obstacle,
make it to the middle,
hit the button.
Once he hits the button
that gate on the other side
of the obstacle
will come down,
he can safely negotiate
to the other side.
He’s having a little trouble
with the platform, by the way.
Get up there. Get up there.
He’s a poet. He takes
his platform very seriously.
And, he finally makes it on
to the Vertigo.
Get in there. He got it.
He’s made it to the middle
rather quickly.
Whoa!
Gates down.
Whoa. That’s pretty fast.
Let it bring you up.
If he can get his bearings
and let loose to Kelsey,
I think they’re in good shape.
Let’s go, Es. Get up there.
Ride it around again.
Uhoh.
Whoooohooh!
Whoa!
That’s
slam poetry right there.
You got it, E. Let’s go.
It’s 30 degrees here
in the Wipeout Zone...
Ooh!
And ice has formed
on the ramp,
making it really
difficult to navigate.
It seems as if Mother Nature
has dealt Esai a tragic end.
Yes.
The frozen tundra
of Wipeout Stadium.
That is the most unexpected
wipeout of "Wipeout," folks.
Yes.
Like a human inch worm.
Yeah. Oh, no.
Okay. Hold on.
Esai looks exhausted.
This is a relay race,
but if Esai
takes longer than 10 minutes
to complete the Vertigo
he’ll time out and his partner
can go without being tagged,
and they still have a chance,
but they really
have to act fast.
Yes.
Ramp. Ramp.
Ramp.
Oh!
That was my one
try at slam poetry.
Ramp. Ramp. Why, ramp?
Why, ramp,
do you forsake me, ramp?
Ramp is damp. Ramp is damp.
Step down.
Esai has made
his way up the ramp.
Made it.
Okay. Here we go.
He’s there and he doesn’t
have to hit the button,
he just has to jump
to the other side.
And he looks like he’s
in a great position to do so.
Yes. Now jump, jump.
You’ve got to leap.
There he goes.
Oh!
I could see
his thought process.
Yes.
But I still didn’t look away.
I didn’t look away.
You’ve got it, buddy.
Keep pushing.
I can’t do it again.
That’s the horn.
Esai has timed out,
so Kelsey is now free
to take a Leap of Faith.
Okay.
She’s got to leap on
to the Swinging Arm
and land safely on the
platform on the other side.
Looks and sounds simple,
but as you can see,
that’s the beauty of it.
It’s like poetry in motion.
Yes. Poetry to my eyes.
Kelsey with attempt two.
Yeah. You’ve got this.
She’s giving us the high
sign, she’s okay.
Will she make good on it?
Now all she has to do is land
safely on the platform,
and she made it.
Awesome job, Kelsey!
Awesome job.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Quick Triple Threat
and you’ve got this.
Her first jump.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
She has mounted
the first threat,
seems to find her balance,
didn’t quite work out.
No. But she and Esai
are in the Wet Poet’s Society.
Kelsey... attempting...
the Triple Threat.
Will she go... and get all wet?
I think it’s time
for me retire.
No, don’t. The world needs
your poetry, John Cena.
It does not.
It does.
It does not.
It does.
There you go, Kels.
She looks a little more
determined now.
On to the next.
There you go.
Yes.
She’s hanging on.
Come on, Kelsey.
You’ve got it.
One more threat to go
to that landing pad.
Last jump...
ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!
Yes.
Yes, Kelsey.
Come on.
Yeah!
Kelsey! Yes! Awesome job.
She cleared the Triple Threat
and has finished the course.
Yes.
An amazing effort.
Yes.
Hip Hop Beret
completes the Wipeout Zone
with a time of 16:16.
We made it rhyme.
Will the Mocktails top their
time
and take home the $25,000?
Find out next.
We’re back.
I mean, you’re back.
I never left.
Where do you go
during these breaks?
I got a lot of stuff going
on. I’m very popular, Nicole.
A lot of people
want to talk to me.
People want to talk to you?
You’re the only person I’ve
ever met who answers his phone
when it says may be spam.
Let’s go back
to the Wipeout Zone.
Earlier we saw Hip Hop Beret
finish the Wipeout Zone
with a time of 16 minutes
and 16 seconds.
Not exactly a shortform poem.
But it might be enough
if those stonecold
sober Mocktails
can’t keep a clear head.
This Wipeout Zone
is as belligerent as they get.
So far bartender Leigh
and her teammate John
have ridden their high on
life energy up to this point,
but will it carry them
all the way? Let’s find out.
Let’s do this.
Nicole, how are you?
I’m single. How are you?
I’m single as well.
Ooh!
So, love could be
in the air tonight.
Oh, boy.
Will I take a mustache ride?
I will.
We’re ready.
Three, two, one.
There goes Leigh
Yay.
Off on that 64foot drop.
Air, Leigh, baby.
Let’s go.
Beautiful landing.
You got this.
Leigh approaches Vertigo.
Now she must mount
the obstacle,
make it to the middle,
hit the button
in the middle
to let the gate
on the other side come down
and then hopefully make it
to the other side.
Ride that like a bull, baby.
You’ve done it before.
Ooh, Some insight into
Leigh’s leisure activities.
Very nice.
She made it. She’s still up.
She’s still on.
Okay.
She’s got to negotiate
the way to the middle.
Yes.
Wait until it gets
a little lower.
Beautiful, Leigh.
Beautiful.
It’s all right.
It’s all right.
I justI need Leigh to,
like, get this going
because
I need to see John up close.
Nicole needs her John fix?
Here we go, baby.
Come on now.
Now, will you be this
supportive if he’s not what
he seems as he gets closer?
Yes. I don’t want him
to be a Monet.
Okay. Fair.
Second attempt ever.
You got this. Here we go.
I like that clap.
Now, let’s hope Leigh
is the only one
with the clap on
the course today.
Yeah. Yes, Leigh.
Yeah. Sneak down.
Nice. Love that, baby.
She’s made it to the middle.
Yes.
Strikes the button.
Yes.
The gate is down.
Get to me now, Leigh.
John’s fired up.
Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.
Is this going to be
an attempt? Nope, nope, nope.
Time to crawl, time to crawl.
Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
But I think
she set herself up.
I’m ready for you.
I think she’s going to make
a go for it.
Yes. Yes, Leigh. Yes.
She made it.
Release the John!
Leap of Faith now.
John has scooted out
to the edge of that platform.
He’s going to jump,
hopefully, stay there
Oh, dang.
Well...
So much for that.
He’s going to test out
the wet suit.
I hope it didn’t mess up
his mustache.
So much is on the line.
That’s all right.
$25,000.
25,000 bucks.
A date with Nicole Byer.
A date with Nicole Byer.
So much.
And I eat a lot,
so he’s going to
have to win that money.
This is my sperm donor,
everyone.
Ooh.
Oh!
All right.
Okay.
So a lot of surprises
on today’s show.
Truly.
John back up
for attempt number two
at the Leap of Faith.
Okay. Yeah.
He made it.
All he has to do is land
safely on the platform.
Here’s the attempt.
Yeah.
He holds on. He’s negotiated
a Leap of Faith,
and it’s on to
to the Triple Threat.
And the date with Nicole.
John, you can do it, bud.
You can do it.
John makes his way on to
the first hexagon.
He’s hanging on...
Dang.
And in the drink he goes.
Precious time continues
to run off the clock.
I hope his sperm
is doing okay
after hitting
that ice cold water.
John, you got it, baby.
No worries.
25,00 bucks.
Here we go.
Here we go. Remember,
they’ve got to beat
Hip Hop Beret’s time of
16 minutes and 16 seconds,
but it looks like
Triple Threat’s
giving John some trouble.
He is one more threat away.
Okay.
He’s going to make a jump.
Look at this.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!
He’s got a chance.
Go. Go.
That looked like it hurt.
It did. It did.
That looked like it hurt.
Come on, John.
Do it for the John in us.
Onto that first threat
he goes.
They had a lot of time
to work with
at the start of this thing,
but that window keeps getting
smaller and smaller.
Yep.
25,000
on the other side
of this obstacle.
Yes. Yes.
Here we go.
Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.
Yes!
Ah yes!
Yeah, John!
Whoo!
Amazing effort!
I like that view.
Congratulations.
You just won the Wipeout Zone!
Yes.
Yes.
$25,000!
I’ll be your sperm donor.
That’s exciting.
We may be saying things
because we’re emotional,
but if we’re not,
that’s awesome.
I love you.
I love you too.
Can I have a kiss?
I love you.
I love you, bro.
The Wipeout Zone sure wasn’t
the friendliest customers
they’ve encountered,
but the Mocktails end
their shift
with a nice chunk of cash
in their pockets.
So drink up, everybody.
First round’s on them.
Well, that does it for
another stellar episode
of "Wipeout."
It truly was exemplary.
Think you’re saying
the same thing as me,
but I’m just too tired
to look it up.
I’m John Cena.
And for Camille Kostek,
I’m Nicole Byer
saying
good night and big balls.