Wings (1990–1997): Season 5, Episode 23 - Call of the Wild - full transcript
( upbeat piano theme playing )
Oh, my God.
Isn't that the guy from
the soft drink commercial?
FAY:
Oh, yeah. The construction
worker who takes off his shirt.
He has the most
incredible body.
Let's go meet...him.
Hi, I'm Helen Chapel.
Hi, I'm Alex Lambert
and we recognize you
from your commercial.
Will you take off
your shirt?
Helen.
Sorry.
No, no, it's okay.
People ask me to do that
all the time.
I don't mind.
You know, uh, I think
the, uh, zipper's stuck.
Here, let me
try to get it.
It's stuck
on the fabric.
Oh, here, move over.
Let me try.
Announcing final boarding
of Aeromass flight 23
to New York through Gate 1.
Time! We need
more time.
No, I-- I'm really sorry.
I-I have to go.
Allow me.
Thank you so much.
Nice meeting you ladies.
Guess who.
And I'll give you
a hint:
You, me and three naked
cocktail waitresses
playing roulette
on Aruba.
You'll have to be
more specific.
Danny Quinn!
Yes.
Brian.
Danny Quinn!
Man, I can't believe this.
How the hell
are you?
I'm great,
but what about you?
A tie, a clipboard,
where's the pocket
protector?
Hey, don't let
the clothing fool you.
I'm just as crazy
as ever, man.
Brian, your pencils came in.
You were right, man.
Different colors was definitely
the way to go.
Joey, you're not gonna
believe who this is,
this is Danny Quinn.
Danny, this is my
brother Joe.
How you doin', Danny?
This is your
brother Joe?
Yeah.
He doesn't look
like such a dweeb.
Dweeb? D-did you know that
Brian wet his bed until, uh--
I don't know.
How are you doing with that?
So, what are you
doing here, Danny?
Well, I was in Boston
talking to my publisher...
Your who?
Check it out.
( laughing ):
Oh, man.
Tequila Nights
by Danny Quinn.
Yeah. It's about
you and me
and all the wild times
we had on the islands.
You gotta be kiddin' me.
They let you publish
that stuff?
Here's your coffee, Joe.
Thanks, Helen.
Hello,
I'm Danny Quinn
and I'm a real close,
close friend of Brian's.
Unless, of course,
you hate him,
in which case,
I do too.
( chuckles )
He's funny
and tall.
( giggles )
Um, hi, I'm Helen Chapel.
And it's very nice
to meet you.
That's very subtle, Helen.
Why don't you just
club him over the head
and drag him back
to your cave.
Wait a second,
is this you?
Oh, yeah,
Danny wrote that.
It's all about the wild times
we had in the Caribbean.
Keep it, if you want,
I've already read it.
And frankly, I find it
rather pedestrian.
( laughs )
Well, great.
I can't wait to--
Whoa-ho.
Hello.
That word sort of jumps out
at ya, doesn't it?
Mm-hm.
Interesting
local talent.
Uh, she's got
a boyfriend.
What's on for tonight?
Hey, man, anything
you wanna do?
I'm up for something.
In fact, there's a place
on the island
that is perfect for you,
crawling with women.
Just like
the old days.
I'm for something.
Uh, damn,
you know,
I just remembered
my car's in the shop.
I got a car.
Hey, Joey, you wanna come
with me and Danny tonight?
Oh, oh, you think I don't
know what you're doing?
Just 'cause I've got a car,
now you're gonna
invite me along.
Seven o'clock okay?
Yeah, it's great.
Oh, in fact, you know,
we don't have anymore flights.
Let's get Joe
and let's get outta here.
Excellent.
Hey, babe.
Oh, hey.
Hey, hey, Alex.
My girlfriend,
right.
Hi, uh-- Alex, uh...
This is my old friend
Danny Quinn,
This is my
girlfriend Alex.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Uh, wait a minute,
Danny Quinn.
The Danny Quinn? The one
who got you thrown in jail?
Hey, hey, hey, now.
She's the one that wanted
to dance topless,
how were we supposed to know she
was the ambassador's daughter?
Listen, Alex,
we've got a lot
of catching up to do.
Can I borrow Brian
for a few hours?
You don't have to
ask her permission.
I can go, can't I?
Sure, just stay
outta jail.
It was nice
to meet you.
Nice meetin' you.
"Hot and flushed
from lovemaking,
"Kiki dove naked
off the boat,
"motioning Ryan
to join her
in the warm, beckoning
waters of the cove."
Put-- Put-- Put-- Put Kiki
back on the boat and uh...
Read it again, slowly.
Whoa-ho-ho.
Get a load of that.
Oh, boy, that could've
been embarrassing,
I almost wore
the same outfit today.
Oh, I don't believe it.
It's Big Strong Man.
Who?
Oh.
Yeah, I remember him from
that TV show when we were kids.
Big Strong Man
Big Strong Man
He lifts up stuff
Just 'cause he can
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, well, wonder
what he's doing here.
You know, he was at
the supermarket opening
this morning,
signing autographs.
I-I invited him to lunch but I
didn't think he was gonna show.
Hey, there.
Hey, Big Strong Man,
I can't believe you're here.
I mean, you--
You really showed up.
But, wait a minute,
that's not how Big Strong Man
comes on the scene.
Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah.
All right.
Yahooey!
Say, that offer for lunch
still good, little buddy?
I don't believe it.
I, Lowell Mather, am going
to lunch with Big Strong Man.
That's right, son.
Uh, you did say
you'd pay, right?
Hey, try and stop me.
( chuckles ):
Great.
Uh, by the way, a little
trouble finding a hotel room,
y-you think I could crash
on your couch for a few days?
Are you kidding?
Huh?
Sure. Oh, this is
gonna be so cool.
I mean, we can
stay up late,
we can tell stories.
Roast marshmallows.
Roast marshmallows, hey.
That's great. Uh, how you fixed
for Scotch, by the way?
So, Danny, I was flipping
through your book
and, uh, I gotta tell ya, I find
it a little hard to believe
that you and this guy, here,
took on four drunk Marines.
Drunk Marines?
Okay, so I embellished.
Actually, it was
two optomologists.
And we were just fighting
over a volleyball court.
Sure, easy for you to say.
I was the one
who had to go toe-to-toe
with Dr. Irving Schenberg.
Hey, hey, guys.
Look right over there.
DANNY:
Ooh, very nice.
You've done well,
brave scout.
Brian, remember the, uh,
foreign tourist bit?
( laughs )
What--? What is that?
Women are suckers for men
with a foreign accent.
So we go up to them
and we say that we're,
like, uh, from Australia
and we wanna see
the fun places in town.
Come on, Brian.
Let's show him.
This is gonna
be great.
Well, what are
you gonna do?
Pick up a girl
and take her home to Alex?
Good point.
I'll do it.
All right.
All right, now, remember,
we're Aussies, right?
Let's hear your accent.
Oh, oh, sure.
Uh, let me see, uh...
( normal voice ):
Stick a shrimp on the barbie.
Why don't you be
my American friend.
I can do that.
Have fun,
my boys.
( sighs )
Watch and learn.
You're about to witness
a foolproof method
for picking up women.
That guy over there
is a legend.
The tall one,
not the dweeb.
Aw, oh, what's the matter?
You got shot down, huh?
Well, you tried,
you tried.
What are you
talking about?
It worked like a charm.
They actually bought me
as an American.
As a matter of fact,
they want us to go to a party
down at the beach.
Ooh, ooh, you know what,
maybe I better
just go back home
to Alex, huh?
Aw, poor Brian.
We understand.
It's okay.
Oh, wait a minute.
You got a little
something
sticking out of
your collar, here.
Oh, look, it's a leash.
Sta-- Come on, I know
what you're trying to do.
You're trying to embarrass me
into going out with ya.
Let me tell ya something...
It worked.
Let's go.
ANTONIO: Hi, Lowell.
Hey.
Where's your, uh--?
Your superhero friend.
Oh, he just stopped off
for beer and cigarettes.
You know, it's quite an honor
to have Big Strong Man
staying at my house,
and eating all of my food,
and making long-distance
calls on my phone.
I'm surprised he didn't make you
sleep on the couch.
Uh, no, I wanted to.
You know, I mean,
he's had severe back trouble
ever since episode 43,
when he had to lift up
the entire city of Philadelphia.
Lowell, honey, he didn't
actually lift up
the city of Philadelphia.
Excuse me, but I think
I have the episode on tape.
How's it going, Big Strong Man?
Yahooey.
You know, I've been
meaning to ask you,
where did you ever come up
with that cool "Yahooey"?
Oh, well, it involved
a trip to the doctor.
Big Strong Man had
what later, thankfully,
turned out to be just a polyp.
So you wanna go have lunch,
Big Strong Man?
Who's paying?
I am.
Right behind you.
Uh, Big Strong Man, uh...
Ever tried using your
superpowers to pick up a check?
Hey, I was gonna
pay for his lunch,
I had a little trouble
with the cash machine, huh?
What's your PIN
number again?
Hey, Danny.
Hey, man.
How are ya?
Brian, how ya doin'?
We had a great
time last night.
Ah, the best.
Best time I've had
in a long time.
Great, 'cause I just
talked to my publisher
and she got me
VIP passes
to a New York club
opening tonight.
Hey, I'm there.
Me too.
Hey, Brian, you've been out
every night this week, man.
Yeah, do you really
think Alex
is gonna let you out
again tonight?
Let me out? Let me out.
What am I, a dog?
Hi.
Hey, hey, baby.
Um...
Listen, Danny and Joey
and I are gonna be doing
this club thing
in New York tonight.
You're going out
again tonight?
That's four nights
in a row.
I know, but we didn't have any
plans for tonight, did we?
Well, yeah, we did.
We were gonna go look
for a new dinette set.
Come on.
Don't give me that look,
it was your idea.
Yeah, I know, but-- But we can
do that any night, can't we?
So you'd rather go to
some club with Joe and Danny
than go with me to pick out
a dinette set?
Is that a trick question?
You know
what I mean.
Look, forget it.
You wanna go, go.
Great, great, great.
See, I told you I could go.
Hey, Lambert.
I'll help you pick out
a dinette set.
Then we could mosey on down
to the mattress department
and go for a test drive.
Then right after that we could
stop by the cutlery department
and I could slit
my wrists.
I can't believe Brian.
He actually went.
And after you told him in no
uncertain terms that he could.
Exactly. Why can't
men understand
that "go" means "stay."
Well, I'll tell ya,
if it were me,
I would have never let him go.
Especially after
what happened
last time "Donny" and "Ryan"
went to New York.
Chapter eight:
Broadway, Bound and Gagged.
Ooh. I don't-- I don't
think I read that chapter
Well, I don't wanna stop him
from going out with his friends,
it just kinda hurt
that, you know,
he wouldn't rather
be with me.
Can you believe that
he went to New York?
I mean, that Brian
is like a child.
What-- What he really
needs is a spanking.
Oh, so you did read
chapter eight.
Mm... Hey.
Baby, what are you doing
up so late, huh?
It's 8:00 in the morning.
Oh. What am I doing up so late?
Good night.
Brian, this
isn't funny.
Where were you
all night?
Oh, well, you know
where I was.
I was in New York
with Joey and Danny.
It was great.
You know,
you could have called.
( sighs )
I know. I'm sorry.
I should have called.
I was up all night.
I was worried sick.
Ba-- I-I said
I was sorry, okay, Mom?
"Mom"?
( scoffs )
Alex, relax.
It's a little joke,
little joke.
Do we have to
do this now?
No, you're right. Let's not.
I'm gonna go to work,
I'm gonna cool off.
We can talk
about this tonight.
Oh, tonight, tonight.
Tonight's gonna be bad
because Joey and Danny
were talking
about us--
I don't believe this.
Five nights in a row?
Forget it.
Alex...
Baby, is there
something wrong?
Yes. I can't decide whether
to slap you or deck you.
Oh, for God's sake.
You know, I can't believe
you're getting this upset
over a dinette set.
It's not about
the stupid dinette set.
It was never about
a stupid dinette set.
All right, then, I do know
what this is about.
This is about, uh,
you being worried
because when I was
with Danny and Joey,
you thought I was
fooling around, huh?
Actually, I wasn't
worried about that
but since you brought
it up, were you?
No.
No.
It's not like I didn't
have the chance to.
Did you want to.
I-- Did I--?
It's a guy thing.
You know, guys--
Guys want to but I didn't
because I was,
you know, with you.
Oh, you say the sweetest things.
Ugh, look, if you're
done scolding me,
I think I'll
get some sleep.
Hey, what's
going on here?
You wanna just go out and do
whatever the hell you wanna do
and you want me to be here
for you when you get home?
Alex. Alex.
Do you want to be
in this relationship
or don't you?
( sighs )
I see.
Well, I'm gonna
go to work now.
While I'm gone,
pack up your stuff
and get the hell outta here.
Okay, fine. Fine,
if that's what you want.
No, no.
That's what you want.
( door slams )
( moans )
"As the trade winds blew
gently through her long,
"honey-blond hair,
Ryan softly caressed her skin
which was still moist
from their nude midnight swim."
( crying )
It's no fair.
Some men drink deep from
the fountain of life
while Antonio takes one sip
and it goes down the wrong pipe.
Boy, I sure am sorry
you're leaving.
I was kinda getting
used to having
my own Big Strong Man
around the house.
Mm.
( chuckles )
You get it?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
That's a great joke, partner.
Fresh too.
Listen, I really
wanna pay you back
for that farewell lunch, huh?
Ugh, another meal.
Looks like Big Strong Man
has a big strong tapeworm.
Yeah. I ca-- I can't
seem to find my wallet.
Well, maybe I can
help you find it.
What's it look like?
My guess is brand new
and never been opened.
Look, Lowell, wake up.
This guy's a bum.
He is a loser.
He's bleedin' you dry.
Hey, hang on
a second, Roy.
You can't talk
like that.
You know, it's not easy
to be a superhero.
In real life, you don't
have wires holding you up
when you go flying.
There's no pads
to soften the blow
when the network
replaces you
with your trusty
sidekick Duckface.
I know he's not everything
that he used to be
but I still
owe this man a lot.
I mean, ever afternoon at 3:30,
he was there for me,
protecting my little world.
I salute you,
Big Strong Man.
Thank you, Joel.
Enh.
Well, Big Strong Man's
gotta go.
I gotta work a bachelor party
in Worcester.
Eh, don't even ask.
Here. You wanna sign this?
What's this?
Big Strong Thief
just paid for his ticket
with your credit card.
Really?
Come back here,
you bastard!
Good morning!
Little hung over?
Oh, please.
( slams )
Why are you doing this?
Because you called me
at 3 a.m. in the morning
demanding to know the name of
our 10th grade homeroom teacher.
I did not.
Yes, you did. You were
convinced you saw her
turning tricks in front
of the Chrysler building.
Really?
Oh, I'm sorry.
Helen, I think I could
be sick at any moment.
Oh, I know how you feel.
I just finished your book.
Well, Danny, it just doesn't
get any better than this.
There they are!
Hey, what are you
two maniacs up to, huh?
Would you please
give it a rest?
Just go someplace
and let us die in peace.
Amateurs. Amateurs.
Hey, hey, we going back
to that club tonight?
Pass.
What? Come on,
what's with you guys?
Actually, Brian, I'm taking off.
What?
I'm getting a little
too old for this.
Since when?
Since about an hour ago when
I threw up that cocktail napkin.
Where is all this
coming from?
You.
I mean, last night
when we were at that party
and I was hitting on every
beautiful woman in the room,
suddenly I looked over and I--
I envied you.
Envied me? Why?
Because no matter
who I go home with,
you get to go home to Alex,
somebody who
really cares for you.
Ugh. I don't believe this.
In fact, it started me thinking
about my own relationship
and, who knows, if I put
a little effort into it...
maybe it could turn into
something really serious.
Oh, Joe, Joe.
I got this phone
number last night.
She's blond, she's beautiful,
she's yours.
Uh, well, unless it's the local
Maalox rep, I'm not interested.
Well, take it easy, "Donny."
See ya, "Ryan."
Nice to finally
meet you, Joe.
You too, Danny.
A little tip for ya:
Scotch and Kahlúa,
not a real drink.
Hey, come on.
We don't need him.
What do you say, you and me
we go out tonight, huh?
Oh, man. Forget it.
Look, just go home and have
a nice quiet
evening with Alex.
Well, what about this number?
"Marcy"?
Ugh, you kidding me?
I am so sick right now,
I can barely walk.
Besides, I gotta
take a flight.
People are always saying:
"Oh, Marcy, anyone
can do electrolysis."
But that's not true.
There's a science
to hair removal.
BRIAN:
Oh, my God.
I just made the biggest mistake
of my entire life.
If you don't grip the hair
close to the follicle,
then the charge won't deaden
the root and it'll grow back.
Dear, God, help me.
( Marcy talking indistinctly )
( doorbell rings )
( knock on door )
BRIAN:
Alex?
Baby, wake up,
it's me.
( knocking continues )
( doorbell rings )
Hey, Alex.
Hi.
What is it?
Oh, I didn't mean
to wake you up,
uh, my key wouldn't work.
I had the locks changed.
Oh, well, okay.
That's fine.
Understand. Understand that.
Listen, uh...
Is that my baseball trophy?
It looks like
it was sawn in half.
Oh, right.
I must have dropped it.
Look, Brian--
No, no, no, no, no.
Please, uh, let me speak.
Uh, Alex, baby, I...
I screwed up big time.
I really did.
I-I'm an idiot.
It's just that Danny
came to town
and I just got caught up
in him, you know?
I-I never should have
treated you like that.
And-- And you gotta believe me,
I don't wanna see anybody else.
Ever.
Come on.
Come on, I know you.
You hate just as much as I do
that we're apart, don't you?
Yes.
We were happy together.
I mean, we were really,
really happy, right?
Yes.
Well...
We don't wanna
lose that, do we?
Brian, you're right,
we were great together.
Great. We are,
we are, we are.
So why don't we just try
to forget what happened
and, uh, get back together,
what do you say?
No.
( sighs )
( upbeat piano theme playing )
Oh, my God.
Isn't that the guy from
the soft drink commercial?
FAY:
Oh, yeah. The construction
worker who takes off his shirt.
He has the most
incredible body.
Let's go meet...him.
Hi, I'm Helen Chapel.
Hi, I'm Alex Lambert
and we recognize you
from your commercial.
Will you take off
your shirt?
Helen.
Sorry.
No, no, it's okay.
People ask me to do that
all the time.
I don't mind.
You know, uh, I think
the, uh, zipper's stuck.
Here, let me
try to get it.
It's stuck
on the fabric.
Oh, here, move over.
Let me try.
Announcing final boarding
of Aeromass flight 23
to New York through Gate 1.
Time! We need
more time.
No, I-- I'm really sorry.
I-I have to go.
Allow me.
Thank you so much.
Nice meeting you ladies.
Guess who.
And I'll give you
a hint:
You, me and three naked
cocktail waitresses
playing roulette
on Aruba.
You'll have to be
more specific.
Danny Quinn!
Yes.
Brian.
Danny Quinn!
Man, I can't believe this.
How the hell
are you?
I'm great,
but what about you?
A tie, a clipboard,
where's the pocket
protector?
Hey, don't let
the clothing fool you.
I'm just as crazy
as ever, man.
Brian, your pencils came in.
You were right, man.
Different colors was definitely
the way to go.
Joey, you're not gonna
believe who this is,
this is Danny Quinn.
Danny, this is my
brother Joe.
How you doin', Danny?
This is your
brother Joe?
Yeah.
He doesn't look
like such a dweeb.
Dweeb? D-did you know that
Brian wet his bed until, uh--
I don't know.
How are you doing with that?
So, what are you
doing here, Danny?
Well, I was in Boston
talking to my publisher...
Your who?
Check it out.
( laughing ):
Oh, man.
Tequila Nights
by Danny Quinn.
Yeah. It's about
you and me
and all the wild times
we had on the islands.
You gotta be kiddin' me.
They let you publish
that stuff?
Here's your coffee, Joe.
Thanks, Helen.
Hello,
I'm Danny Quinn
and I'm a real close,
close friend of Brian's.
Unless, of course,
you hate him,
in which case,
I do too.
( chuckles )
He's funny
and tall.
( giggles )
Um, hi, I'm Helen Chapel.
And it's very nice
to meet you.
That's very subtle, Helen.
Why don't you just
club him over the head
and drag him back
to your cave.
Wait a second,
is this you?
Oh, yeah,
Danny wrote that.
It's all about the wild times
we had in the Caribbean.
Keep it, if you want,
I've already read it.
And frankly, I find it
rather pedestrian.
( laughs )
Well, great.
I can't wait to--
Whoa-ho.
Hello.
That word sort of jumps out
at ya, doesn't it?
Mm-hm.
Interesting
local talent.
Uh, she's got
a boyfriend.
What's on for tonight?
Hey, man, anything
you wanna do?
I'm up for something.
In fact, there's a place
on the island
that is perfect for you,
crawling with women.
Just like
the old days.
I'm for something.
Uh, damn,
you know,
I just remembered
my car's in the shop.
I got a car.
Hey, Joey, you wanna come
with me and Danny tonight?
Oh, oh, you think I don't
know what you're doing?
Just 'cause I've got a car,
now you're gonna
invite me along.
Seven o'clock okay?
Yeah, it's great.
Oh, in fact, you know,
we don't have anymore flights.
Let's get Joe
and let's get outta here.
Excellent.
Hey, babe.
Oh, hey.
Hey, hey, Alex.
My girlfriend,
right.
Hi, uh-- Alex, uh...
This is my old friend
Danny Quinn,
This is my
girlfriend Alex.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Uh, wait a minute,
Danny Quinn.
The Danny Quinn? The one
who got you thrown in jail?
Hey, hey, hey, now.
She's the one that wanted
to dance topless,
how were we supposed to know she
was the ambassador's daughter?
Listen, Alex,
we've got a lot
of catching up to do.
Can I borrow Brian
for a few hours?
You don't have to
ask her permission.
I can go, can't I?
Sure, just stay
outta jail.
It was nice
to meet you.
Nice meetin' you.
"Hot and flushed
from lovemaking,
"Kiki dove naked
off the boat,
"motioning Ryan
to join her
in the warm, beckoning
waters of the cove."
Put-- Put-- Put-- Put Kiki
back on the boat and uh...
Read it again, slowly.
Whoa-ho-ho.
Get a load of that.
Oh, boy, that could've
been embarrassing,
I almost wore
the same outfit today.
Oh, I don't believe it.
It's Big Strong Man.
Who?
Oh.
Yeah, I remember him from
that TV show when we were kids.
Big Strong Man
Big Strong Man
He lifts up stuff
Just 'cause he can
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, well, wonder
what he's doing here.
You know, he was at
the supermarket opening
this morning,
signing autographs.
I-I invited him to lunch but I
didn't think he was gonna show.
Hey, there.
Hey, Big Strong Man,
I can't believe you're here.
I mean, you--
You really showed up.
But, wait a minute,
that's not how Big Strong Man
comes on the scene.
Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah.
All right.
Yahooey!
Say, that offer for lunch
still good, little buddy?
I don't believe it.
I, Lowell Mather, am going
to lunch with Big Strong Man.
That's right, son.
Uh, you did say
you'd pay, right?
Hey, try and stop me.
( chuckles ):
Great.
Uh, by the way, a little
trouble finding a hotel room,
y-you think I could crash
on your couch for a few days?
Are you kidding?
Huh?
Sure. Oh, this is
gonna be so cool.
I mean, we can
stay up late,
we can tell stories.
Roast marshmallows.
Roast marshmallows, hey.
That's great. Uh, how you fixed
for Scotch, by the way?
So, Danny, I was flipping
through your book
and, uh, I gotta tell ya, I find
it a little hard to believe
that you and this guy, here,
took on four drunk Marines.
Drunk Marines?
Okay, so I embellished.
Actually, it was
two optomologists.
And we were just fighting
over a volleyball court.
Sure, easy for you to say.
I was the one
who had to go toe-to-toe
with Dr. Irving Schenberg.
Hey, hey, guys.
Look right over there.
DANNY:
Ooh, very nice.
You've done well,
brave scout.
Brian, remember the, uh,
foreign tourist bit?
( laughs )
What--? What is that?
Women are suckers for men
with a foreign accent.
So we go up to them
and we say that we're,
like, uh, from Australia
and we wanna see
the fun places in town.
Come on, Brian.
Let's show him.
This is gonna
be great.
Well, what are
you gonna do?
Pick up a girl
and take her home to Alex?
Good point.
I'll do it.
All right.
All right, now, remember,
we're Aussies, right?
Let's hear your accent.
Oh, oh, sure.
Uh, let me see, uh...
( normal voice ):
Stick a shrimp on the barbie.
Why don't you be
my American friend.
I can do that.
Have fun,
my boys.
( sighs )
Watch and learn.
You're about to witness
a foolproof method
for picking up women.
That guy over there
is a legend.
The tall one,
not the dweeb.
Aw, oh, what's the matter?
You got shot down, huh?
Well, you tried,
you tried.
What are you
talking about?
It worked like a charm.
They actually bought me
as an American.
As a matter of fact,
they want us to go to a party
down at the beach.
Ooh, ooh, you know what,
maybe I better
just go back home
to Alex, huh?
Aw, poor Brian.
We understand.
It's okay.
Oh, wait a minute.
You got a little
something
sticking out of
your collar, here.
Oh, look, it's a leash.
Sta-- Come on, I know
what you're trying to do.
You're trying to embarrass me
into going out with ya.
Let me tell ya something...
It worked.
Let's go.
ANTONIO: Hi, Lowell.
Hey.
Where's your, uh--?
Your superhero friend.
Oh, he just stopped off
for beer and cigarettes.
You know, it's quite an honor
to have Big Strong Man
staying at my house,
and eating all of my food,
and making long-distance
calls on my phone.
I'm surprised he didn't make you
sleep on the couch.
Uh, no, I wanted to.
You know, I mean,
he's had severe back trouble
ever since episode 43,
when he had to lift up
the entire city of Philadelphia.
Lowell, honey, he didn't
actually lift up
the city of Philadelphia.
Excuse me, but I think
I have the episode on tape.
How's it going, Big Strong Man?
Yahooey.
You know, I've been
meaning to ask you,
where did you ever come up
with that cool "Yahooey"?
Oh, well, it involved
a trip to the doctor.
Big Strong Man had
what later, thankfully,
turned out to be just a polyp.
So you wanna go have lunch,
Big Strong Man?
Who's paying?
I am.
Right behind you.
Uh, Big Strong Man, uh...
Ever tried using your
superpowers to pick up a check?
Hey, I was gonna
pay for his lunch,
I had a little trouble
with the cash machine, huh?
What's your PIN
number again?
Hey, Danny.
Hey, man.
How are ya?
Brian, how ya doin'?
We had a great
time last night.
Ah, the best.
Best time I've had
in a long time.
Great, 'cause I just
talked to my publisher
and she got me
VIP passes
to a New York club
opening tonight.
Hey, I'm there.
Me too.
Hey, Brian, you've been out
every night this week, man.
Yeah, do you really
think Alex
is gonna let you out
again tonight?
Let me out? Let me out.
What am I, a dog?
Hi.
Hey, hey, baby.
Um...
Listen, Danny and Joey
and I are gonna be doing
this club thing
in New York tonight.
You're going out
again tonight?
That's four nights
in a row.
I know, but we didn't have any
plans for tonight, did we?
Well, yeah, we did.
We were gonna go look
for a new dinette set.
Come on.
Don't give me that look,
it was your idea.
Yeah, I know, but-- But we can
do that any night, can't we?
So you'd rather go to
some club with Joe and Danny
than go with me to pick out
a dinette set?
Is that a trick question?
You know
what I mean.
Look, forget it.
You wanna go, go.
Great, great, great.
See, I told you I could go.
Hey, Lambert.
I'll help you pick out
a dinette set.
Then we could mosey on down
to the mattress department
and go for a test drive.
Then right after that we could
stop by the cutlery department
and I could slit
my wrists.
I can't believe Brian.
He actually went.
And after you told him in no
uncertain terms that he could.
Exactly. Why can't
men understand
that "go" means "stay."
Well, I'll tell ya,
if it were me,
I would have never let him go.
Especially after
what happened
last time "Donny" and "Ryan"
went to New York.
Chapter eight:
Broadway, Bound and Gagged.
Ooh. I don't-- I don't
think I read that chapter
Well, I don't wanna stop him
from going out with his friends,
it just kinda hurt
that, you know,
he wouldn't rather
be with me.
Can you believe that
he went to New York?
I mean, that Brian
is like a child.
What-- What he really
needs is a spanking.
Oh, so you did read
chapter eight.
Mm... Hey.
Baby, what are you doing
up so late, huh?
It's 8:00 in the morning.
Oh. What am I doing up so late?
Good night.
Brian, this
isn't funny.
Where were you
all night?
Oh, well, you know
where I was.
I was in New York
with Joey and Danny.
It was great.
You know,
you could have called.
( sighs )
I know. I'm sorry.
I should have called.
I was up all night.
I was worried sick.
Ba-- I-I said
I was sorry, okay, Mom?
"Mom"?
( scoffs )
Alex, relax.
It's a little joke,
little joke.
Do we have to
do this now?
No, you're right. Let's not.
I'm gonna go to work,
I'm gonna cool off.
We can talk
about this tonight.
Oh, tonight, tonight.
Tonight's gonna be bad
because Joey and Danny
were talking
about us--
I don't believe this.
Five nights in a row?
Forget it.
Alex...
Baby, is there
something wrong?
Yes. I can't decide whether
to slap you or deck you.
Oh, for God's sake.
You know, I can't believe
you're getting this upset
over a dinette set.
It's not about
the stupid dinette set.
It was never about
a stupid dinette set.
All right, then, I do know
what this is about.
This is about, uh,
you being worried
because when I was
with Danny and Joey,
you thought I was
fooling around, huh?
Actually, I wasn't
worried about that
but since you brought
it up, were you?
No.
No.
It's not like I didn't
have the chance to.
Did you want to.
I-- Did I--?
It's a guy thing.
You know, guys--
Guys want to but I didn't
because I was,
you know, with you.
Oh, you say the sweetest things.
Ugh, look, if you're
done scolding me,
I think I'll
get some sleep.
Hey, what's
going on here?
You wanna just go out and do
whatever the hell you wanna do
and you want me to be here
for you when you get home?
Alex. Alex.
Do you want to be
in this relationship
or don't you?
( sighs )
I see.
Well, I'm gonna
go to work now.
While I'm gone,
pack up your stuff
and get the hell outta here.
Okay, fine. Fine,
if that's what you want.
No, no.
That's what you want.
( door slams )
( moans )
"As the trade winds blew
gently through her long,
"honey-blond hair,
Ryan softly caressed her skin
which was still moist
from their nude midnight swim."
( crying )
It's no fair.
Some men drink deep from
the fountain of life
while Antonio takes one sip
and it goes down the wrong pipe.
Boy, I sure am sorry
you're leaving.
I was kinda getting
used to having
my own Big Strong Man
around the house.
Mm.
( chuckles )
You get it?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
That's a great joke, partner.
Fresh too.
Listen, I really
wanna pay you back
for that farewell lunch, huh?
Ugh, another meal.
Looks like Big Strong Man
has a big strong tapeworm.
Yeah. I ca-- I can't
seem to find my wallet.
Well, maybe I can
help you find it.
What's it look like?
My guess is brand new
and never been opened.
Look, Lowell, wake up.
This guy's a bum.
He is a loser.
He's bleedin' you dry.
Hey, hang on
a second, Roy.
You can't talk
like that.
You know, it's not easy
to be a superhero.
In real life, you don't
have wires holding you up
when you go flying.
There's no pads
to soften the blow
when the network
replaces you
with your trusty
sidekick Duckface.
I know he's not everything
that he used to be
but I still
owe this man a lot.
I mean, ever afternoon at 3:30,
he was there for me,
protecting my little world.
I salute you,
Big Strong Man.
Thank you, Joel.
Enh.
Well, Big Strong Man's
gotta go.
I gotta work a bachelor party
in Worcester.
Eh, don't even ask.
Here. You wanna sign this?
What's this?
Big Strong Thief
just paid for his ticket
with your credit card.
Really?
Come back here,
you bastard!
Good morning!
Little hung over?
Oh, please.
( slams )
Why are you doing this?
Because you called me
at 3 a.m. in the morning
demanding to know the name of
our 10th grade homeroom teacher.
I did not.
Yes, you did. You were
convinced you saw her
turning tricks in front
of the Chrysler building.
Really?
Oh, I'm sorry.
Helen, I think I could
be sick at any moment.
Oh, I know how you feel.
I just finished your book.
Well, Danny, it just doesn't
get any better than this.
There they are!
Hey, what are you
two maniacs up to, huh?
Would you please
give it a rest?
Just go someplace
and let us die in peace.
Amateurs. Amateurs.
Hey, hey, we going back
to that club tonight?
Pass.
What? Come on,
what's with you guys?
Actually, Brian, I'm taking off.
What?
I'm getting a little
too old for this.
Since when?
Since about an hour ago when
I threw up that cocktail napkin.
Where is all this
coming from?
You.
I mean, last night
when we were at that party
and I was hitting on every
beautiful woman in the room,
suddenly I looked over and I--
I envied you.
Envied me? Why?
Because no matter
who I go home with,
you get to go home to Alex,
somebody who
really cares for you.
Ugh. I don't believe this.
In fact, it started me thinking
about my own relationship
and, who knows, if I put
a little effort into it...
maybe it could turn into
something really serious.
Oh, Joe, Joe.
I got this phone
number last night.
She's blond, she's beautiful,
she's yours.
Uh, well, unless it's the local
Maalox rep, I'm not interested.
Well, take it easy, "Donny."
See ya, "Ryan."
Nice to finally
meet you, Joe.
You too, Danny.
A little tip for ya:
Scotch and Kahlúa,
not a real drink.
Hey, come on.
We don't need him.
What do you say, you and me
we go out tonight, huh?
Oh, man. Forget it.
Look, just go home and have
a nice quiet
evening with Alex.
Well, what about this number?
"Marcy"?
Ugh, you kidding me?
I am so sick right now,
I can barely walk.
Besides, I gotta
take a flight.
People are always saying:
"Oh, Marcy, anyone
can do electrolysis."
But that's not true.
There's a science
to hair removal.
BRIAN:
Oh, my God.
I just made the biggest mistake
of my entire life.
If you don't grip the hair
close to the follicle,
then the charge won't deaden
the root and it'll grow back.
Dear, God, help me.
( Marcy talking indistinctly )
( doorbell rings )
( knock on door )
BRIAN:
Alex?
Baby, wake up,
it's me.
( knocking continues )
( doorbell rings )
Hey, Alex.
Hi.
What is it?
Oh, I didn't mean
to wake you up,
uh, my key wouldn't work.
I had the locks changed.
Oh, well, okay.
That's fine.
Understand. Understand that.
Listen, uh...
Is that my baseball trophy?
It looks like
it was sawn in half.
Oh, right.
I must have dropped it.
Look, Brian--
No, no, no, no, no.
Please, uh, let me speak.
Uh, Alex, baby, I...
I screwed up big time.
I really did.
I-I'm an idiot.
It's just that Danny
came to town
and I just got caught up
in him, you know?
I-I never should have
treated you like that.
And-- And you gotta believe me,
I don't wanna see anybody else.
Ever.
Come on.
Come on, I know you.
You hate just as much as I do
that we're apart, don't you?
Yes.
We were happy together.
I mean, we were really,
really happy, right?
Yes.
Well...
We don't wanna
lose that, do we?
Brian, you're right,
we were great together.
Great. We are,
we are, we are.
So why don't we just try
to forget what happened
and, uh, get back together,
what do you say?
No.
( sighs )
( upbeat piano theme playing )