Wings (1990–1997): Season 5, Episode 2 - Terminal Jealousy - full transcript
( upbeat piano theme playing )
( airplane flies overhead )
Helen, did you see
which way my eggs went?
Oh, I threw 'em out.
Don't you know what happens
when you leave food around?
It attracts bugs
which attract more bugs,
and pretty soon the whole place
is crawling with vermin.
( belches )
I see what you mean.
Helen, why are you
going so crazy?
There's a new health inspector
making the rounds on the island.
So, what are you worried about?
You keep a very clean place.
That's what they thought
at the Lobster Bucket.
But last night he busted them.
And all they had
was a little grease
in the exhaust vents,
mildew under the sink,
and one measly little cockroach
in the chowder.
You are grossin' me out here.
Could we talk about
something else, please?
Hey, Scarpacci, how'd
your date go last night?
Not as well as I thought.
We had dinner
at the Lobster Bucket.
( upbeat piano theme playing )
Hey, Chapel,
I want another refill.
Roy, can't you see
I'm busy here?
Besides, you've had
six cups already.
So if you want more coffee,
here.
Suck it up.
God, I'm bored.
Ah, you know what I do
when I'm bored, Roy?
I like to ponder
some of life's big questions.
For instance,
if you're driving a car
down Sesame Street,
would you in fact end up
in Mister Rogers' Neighborhood?
You might.
God, I'm bored.
( Roy whistles )
Here's a little something
to spice up my day.
Good morning, Alex,
how was your run?
Fine.
Brian and I just did
a quick five miles.
I hear that's all you two
have been doing these days. Heh.
All I know is a real man
wouldn't wait.
Hey, Brian is more man
than you'll ever be.
( sighs, laughs )
( panting )
Honey, are you okay?
Yeah.
ROY: Oh, what's that Lassie?
Timmy fell in a mine shaft.
( laughs )
It's okay, girl.
I'll go get the ranger. Heh.
( growls )
Brian what happened?
( gasps )
I was running,
my socks fell down,
so I had to pull 'em up.
Fell on my tailbone.
Precisely why I run
in the nude.
I'll tell you,
there's nothing quite like
feelin' the wind
blowin' through,
well, pretty much
everything you got.
U-uh, Brian, you might
try to ice that injury
to ease the pain.
( groans )
That's what the doctor told
my first husband George to do
when he broke his ass.
Well, that's what
the doctor called it.
Medical men.
They got a language
all their own.
I'll go get some ice.
Good mornin', everybody. Hey.
Come on, Brian. Get up.
You're sweating all over
the waiting area.
Hey, hey, Joe, he had
a terrible accident.
Wh-what happened?
His, uh, socks fell down.
I'm all right. I just--
I bruised my tailbone.
Oh, no. Are you gonna
be able to fly?
I can fly. I can fly.
I can't fly.
JOE:
Oh, no, why'd this
have to happen now?
We got five extra
charters this week.
And I'm almost
maxed out on hours.
Ah, what am I gonna do?
Hey, Lambert,
you're a pilot,
you could help him out.
( groans )
Yeah, Joe, um,
I could take Brian's flights.
Uh, well, thanks anyway,
but I'm really funny about
other people flying my plane.
Okay, fine, I'm, you know,
just trying to help.
Hey, Hackett, you could always
take her up for a test flight.
Hey, Alex, you know what?
Maybe you could help me out.
Why don't we go up
and I'll check you out
on the aircraft?
Now? I mean, I--
I really think I should
drive Brian to the doctor.
Nah, I can drive.
I can drive.
I can't drive.
No, no. You two go on.
I'll get him to the doctor.
Go on.
Great. Thanks, Roy.
I'll see you on the plane.
O-okay, um, I'll be there
as soon as I change.
Okay, um, I'll see you later.
All right. All right.
Now, Brian, you just cheer up.
If you're anything at all
like George,
you'll be up and about
in no time.
And then a week and a half later
you'll be broadsided by a bus.
Not all my stories
have happy endings.
Hackett, Hackett, Hackett!
How could you be so stupid?
What are you talking about, Roy?
I think you're crazy
to let 'em fly together.
Do the words "Mile High Club"
mean anything to you?
They're only going up
for a test flight.
Joe and Alex.
Nah.
Hey, uh, Scarpacci, uh,
Joe wants you to take Brian
to the doctor.
He'll pay you later.
Wha--?
What--? Brian, what happened?
( groans )
And please don't tell me
you ate at the Lobster Bucket.
( giggles )
What's so funny, Roy?
This isn't gonna be
such a boring day after all.
( laughs )
( upbeat piano theme playing )
( groans )
Oh, this is embarrassing.
Ah.
Oh, you'd think there'd be more
medical science could do
for a bruised tailbone
than make you sit on a donut.
Oh, well, you're lucky.
When my grandfather
had the same injury,
they did not have
such things.
He had to sit on the lap
of his fat uncle, Carmine.
Yeah, well, thanks for the ride
and for sharing
that really disturbing image.
( grunts )
( sighs )
Hey, Joe, I need to ask you--
Oh, Joe's not here.
He's up in a plane with Alex.
Still?
( whistles )
Okay.
Boy, you're a lot more trusting
than I am, Hackett.
If it was me, I would be
on that radio right now,
trying to find out what
the hell's going on up there.
Roy.
There's nothing goin' on.
You're right.
You're right.
Why would she be
interested in Joe
when she's got
a real man right here?
By the way,
how's your tushy feeling?
( laughs )
( piano theme playing )
( upbeat piano theme playing )
( sighs )
That's it, Fay.
I've done the best I can.
This place is as clean
as it's gonna get.
Oh, Helen, I think
it looks beautiful,
and you're gonna pass
that inspection
with flying colors.
Thanks, Fay.
I really needed to hear that.
But of course,
you might just wanna get
that little thing there.
Oh, right. Okay, thanks.
And-- A-and there's
a little gob of something
over by the stove.
All right, I see it.
You remember last Halloween
when Lowell dropped
that pumpkin pie,
and it splattered
all over everything?
( giggles )
Right.
Well, there's some right there.
Ow. Huh. Ow.
Huh. Ow.
Ooh. Ah.
Oh, hey, give these back
to Joe for me, will you?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
I'll give them to him
as soon as he gets back
from his flight.
Oh, they're back.
They're back?
Yeah, yeah.
He and Alex came in
from the field,
went straight in the office
and shut the door.
At least, I--
I think they're still in there.
You can't really tell
with the shades pulled.
You okay, Hackett?
Course I'm okay. Why--?
Why would you think
I wouldn't be?
( chuckles )
Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
( guffaws )
All right, when you land,
you just, uh, log in
your arrival time right there.
Okay.
And sign it down
at the bottom there
and that's it.
Sounds simple enough.
Hi.
ALEX: Hi.
Hey. Hey, how're you doing?
Everything's okay?
I-I see they gave you a donut.
Oh, yeah, the, uh--
Uh, I didn't need it,
but the doctor insisted.
You know doctors, right?
Donut. Donut. Donut. Donut.
Donut. Donut. Donut.
( sighs )
Well, uh, thanks
for fillin' in for me.
I know there's plenty
of other things
you'd rather be doing.
It's no problem.
In fact, it was--
It was kinda fun.
Oh, okay.
Which, by the way,
I have another flight,
so I'll see you later.
And, uh, I'll see you
on the plane, Joe.
Why do you have to
go up with her again?
She's goin' to Boston,
I've got an appointment there,
and I'm just hitchin' a ride.
Wait a minute.
You're not jealous, are you?
What? M-me? Come on.
( scoffs )
Jealous.
Yeah, I know Alex well enough
to know that I don't have to
worry about her.
You'd better not,
'cause you know how much
she hates jealous guys.
She does?
Yeah, that's why
she broke up with Dan.
Who?
Dan, the guy
she was engaged to.
She was engaged?
Don't you two talk?
Yeah, we talk.
We talk ourselves blue.
Which happens to be
her favorite color.
It's green.
It is?
( wheezy laugh )
( upbeat piano theme playing )
Celtics front office, yeah.
Uh, give me Red Auerbach.
That's right.
Uh, yeah. Yeah, it's me again.
Yeah.
Well, yeah, it's--
It's still the same message.
No, no, no. Please, no.
Tell him that I still want
Aeromass to be
the official airline
of the Boston Celtics.
Now, you think you can
handle that, toots?
Do--?
Nice mouth. O-oh.
Talk like that usually costs me
2 bucks a minute.
Do you know where I can find
the person who operates
this counter?
Who wants to know?
My name is Pam Chase.
I'm with the Massachusetts
Department of Public Health.
She's in the can.
I'll just wait here.
Oh, Helen,
that woman over there is--
Oh, my God.
Relax.
It's just--
That's Pam Chase.
You know her?
Know her? I hate her.
When we kids,
I was a little overweight,
and she never missed
an opportunity to torment me.
What is she doin' here?
You don't know?
You know what?
I don't care.
Call me when she leaves.
Uh, no, Helen, Helen,
Helen come here.
Now, you know me.
You know how I hate
to butt in, but, uh,
if she really tormented you,
you have no choice
but to take action.
What do you mean?
Well, I say that you
march right over there,
and you tell her off but good.
You make her feel the pain
you felt all those years.
Helen, if you don't do it
for yourself, at least do it
for all the fat, little,
tormented children everywhere.
You're an adult.
What can she do to you now?
( scoffs )
You're right, Roy.
Good.
Good girl.
Hello, Pam.
Remember me?
Helen?
Helen Chapel?
Listen, there's something
that's been bothering me
all these years.
When we were kids,
you weren't always
really nice to me.
You said things about my weight.
You said names like:
Tubbo,
Lard Lady,
and Mount St. Helens.
Well,
I have a few names for you.
You're rude,
you're vindictive,
you're shallow,
you're conceited,
you're phony, you're fake,
you're bitchy,
and above all,
you're the biggest tramp
this island's ever seen.
Now, everybody
knew about
you and Skip Riley doin' it
in the back seat of, uh,
his dad's Plymouth.
Well, you know how they knew?
I told them.
And I'm the one that started
calling you "Wham Bam Pam."
So, Wham Bam,
on behalf of all
the little, tortured,
fat children all over the world,
get outta here.
Move it.
Get away from my lunch counter.
( Helen giggles )
This is your lunch counter?
That's right, baby.
So go on. Move it.
There's nothing
you can do to me now.
I'm the state health inspector.
Oh, Pam, it's been so long.
Oh, I just love what you've done
with your hair.
( wheezy laugh )
Oh, this is great.
I say it and they do it.
( laughs )
Oh, I'm having a ball.
( upbeat piano theme playing )
Oh, Brian,
how are you feeling?
Yeah, and how's it going
with your butt?
( sighs )
Fine, Lowell. Thanks for asking.
Listen, um,
I don't wanna sound paranoid
or anything, but--
But do you think there's
something going on
between Joe and Alex?
Brian, I'm ashamed of you.
How could you
accuse your brother
of something like that?
No, you're right. Thanks, Fay.
I really needed to hear that.
And on the other hand,
who could blame him?
You are the one
who stole his fiancée.
Maybe he did wait
all these years
just to get even.
Everyone knows
revenge is a dish
best served cold.
In Italy, we have
the same expression,
except instead of revenge,
we use the word "calamari."
Oh, it's crazy.
Joe Hackett doesn't have
a mean bone in his body.
Yeah, yeah, of course not.
He's probably
just experiencing
that raw, wanton,
sexual passion
that occurs between people
who work together
day in and day out.
I mean, God,
take a look at Alex.
LOWELL:
I-- Uh, she's got
the kind of body
that drives...
lonely mechanics wild.
I mean, if you
weren't my boss,
I'd be on...
Enough said.
Brian, don't-- Don't worry.
I-I know a man and a woman
who worked together for 15 years
side by side in a grocery store.
Never so much as looked
at each other.
There you go.
Of course, no one
could look at them.
They were the two ugliest people
in our village.
Not like Alex and Joe.
Can you--?
Can you imagine how beautiful
their children would be?
Oh.
Thanks, thanks, thanks.
Thanks for your help.
JOE:
Hey.
Hey, Brian.
Hey.
Uh, listen, Brian.
Can I, uh,
borrow Alex tonight?
Why?
Funny thing happened
on the plane.
We met this nice old couple.
They had tickets to the Pops.
They can't go,
so they gave 'em to us.
They thought we were married.
( both laugh )
Isn't that funny?
( chuckles mockingly )
So you'd be okay spending
the evening alone?
Yeah, sure. Sure, sure.
I'll just--
I'll rent a film and I'll
pull up a comfortable chair
and stand behind it.
Great. Okay, see you tomorrow.
All right.
See you later.
You bet.
Wow.
If there was ever a time
I wish I was wrong, Hackett,
this is it.
It kills me to see anybody
treated that way,
especially by
his own brother.
Oh, look, Hackett, we--
We've never been close,
but if you need me,
I'm here for you.
Thanks, Roy.
( wheezy laugh )
Be brave, Hackett.
( wheezy laugh )
( upbeat piano theme playing )
I had a very nice time, Joe.
Thank you.
Oh, thanks. Me too.
We've gotta do that again.
It's so much fun.
Yeah.
( wheels rolling )
Aha!
Brian?
( Brian cackles )
You know what time it is?
Yeah, it's 2 a.m.
It's 2 a.m.
Have you been drinking?
Matter of fact, I have.
Yeah, found Joey's private stash
in his office,
and I'm feeling no pain. Heh.
I even threw away my donut.
Brian, those beers
are nonalcoholic.
In that case,
I'm feeling lots of pain.
That concert ended
at exactly 10:21.
It is now...2:07.
Where the hell have you been?
If you must know,
we went to Martha's Vineyard
for some coffee.
Ha, ha! Of course.
That's where everyone
goes for coffee at 2 a.m.
Martha's Vineyard,
the Decaf Island.
Alex, you would've
found this out eventually,
but our father also went insane.
So.
You're finally gettin' me back
for, uh, stealin'
your fiancée, huh?
( scoffs )
Wha--? Are you kidding me?
Hey, hey, hey,
don't be coy with me.
Everybody knows
that revenge and calamari
are best served cold.
What, you don't think
I know what goes on
between two people, hm?
Who work together
day in and day out?
It's not as though you're
the two ugliest people
in the village.
Joe, was your dad
ever this bad?
Nowhere near. Look, Brian,
I think you'd better stop--
No, I'll-- No, I'll deal
with you in a minute.
I knew I never
should've trusted you.
So, sweetheart,
got anything to say
for yourself?
Go to hell.
Go to hell.
And as for you?
I've only got one question.
At exactly what point
did I become
a complete and total
jackass?
I think it was right after
you said, "Aha!"
How could you think I would do
something like that?
What are you talkin' about?
Roy kept pointing out how close
you two guys were getting.
You listen to Roy?
Ow. Oh.
ALEX:
I'm not leaving.
I'm not letting you off
that easy.
Now, for your information,
the only reason I was spending
so much time with Joe
was to help you out.
And it--
Besides, it wasn't even my idea.
Roy suggested it.
Roy told me to take her
on a test flight,
so I took her on a test flight.
Ooh, yeah, yeah
I'm gon--
( screams )
ALL:
Oh!
Helen, what are you doin' here?
( sighs )
I'm cleanin' my kitchen.
I got 16 health violations,
and if I don't fix 'em
by morning,
they're gonna shut me down.
Well, how did that happen?
Never would've happened
if I hadn't told off
the health inspector.
But nope.
I had to listen
to my good friend Roy.
( upbeat theme playing )
Hey, hey, hey, Hackett.
Your airline just got
a lot smaller,
'cause mine just got
a lot bigger.
( Roy laughs )
What are you talkin' about, Roy?
Well, I finally got a call
from Mr. Red Auerbach
of the Boston Celtics.
They want Aeromass to be
the official airline
for the team.
HELEN: Wow.
That's incredible.
( chuckles )
Roy, you've been tryin'
to do that for years.
Well, they finally wised up
and accepted my offer. Heh.
Well, aren't you gonna
have to buy a bigger plane?
Ooh. I'm glad you asked,
because I just put
a very sizable deposit down
on a brand-new 727.
Wait a minute. Where were you
able to scare up that much cash?
Oh, that's the beauty part, see.
I also got a call this morning
from Nantucket Realty.
So?
ROY: So I've always had a dream
of tapping into some of that
easy Hollywood money.
Well, guess who just made
a very generous offer
on that piece of bottomland
that I call
oceanfront property?
Who?
Mr. Jack Nicholson.
Wow.
( laughs )
That's unbelievable.
Ooh, what a sucker.
Oh, so long, losers.
( sighs )
BRIAN: Whoa, man.
Mm.
Nice work, Mr. Nicholson.
( as Jack Nicholson ):
Same to you, Mr. Auerbach.
( upbeat piano theme playing )
( upbeat piano theme playing )
( airplane flies overhead )
Helen, did you see
which way my eggs went?
Oh, I threw 'em out.
Don't you know what happens
when you leave food around?
It attracts bugs
which attract more bugs,
and pretty soon the whole place
is crawling with vermin.
( belches )
I see what you mean.
Helen, why are you
going so crazy?
There's a new health inspector
making the rounds on the island.
So, what are you worried about?
You keep a very clean place.
That's what they thought
at the Lobster Bucket.
But last night he busted them.
And all they had
was a little grease
in the exhaust vents,
mildew under the sink,
and one measly little cockroach
in the chowder.
You are grossin' me out here.
Could we talk about
something else, please?
Hey, Scarpacci, how'd
your date go last night?
Not as well as I thought.
We had dinner
at the Lobster Bucket.
( upbeat piano theme playing )
Hey, Chapel,
I want another refill.
Roy, can't you see
I'm busy here?
Besides, you've had
six cups already.
So if you want more coffee,
here.
Suck it up.
God, I'm bored.
Ah, you know what I do
when I'm bored, Roy?
I like to ponder
some of life's big questions.
For instance,
if you're driving a car
down Sesame Street,
would you in fact end up
in Mister Rogers' Neighborhood?
You might.
God, I'm bored.
( Roy whistles )
Here's a little something
to spice up my day.
Good morning, Alex,
how was your run?
Fine.
Brian and I just did
a quick five miles.
I hear that's all you two
have been doing these days. Heh.
All I know is a real man
wouldn't wait.
Hey, Brian is more man
than you'll ever be.
( sighs, laughs )
( panting )
Honey, are you okay?
Yeah.
ROY: Oh, what's that Lassie?
Timmy fell in a mine shaft.
( laughs )
It's okay, girl.
I'll go get the ranger. Heh.
( growls )
Brian what happened?
( gasps )
I was running,
my socks fell down,
so I had to pull 'em up.
Fell on my tailbone.
Precisely why I run
in the nude.
I'll tell you,
there's nothing quite like
feelin' the wind
blowin' through,
well, pretty much
everything you got.
U-uh, Brian, you might
try to ice that injury
to ease the pain.
( groans )
That's what the doctor told
my first husband George to do
when he broke his ass.
Well, that's what
the doctor called it.
Medical men.
They got a language
all their own.
I'll go get some ice.
Good mornin', everybody. Hey.
Come on, Brian. Get up.
You're sweating all over
the waiting area.
Hey, hey, Joe, he had
a terrible accident.
Wh-what happened?
His, uh, socks fell down.
I'm all right. I just--
I bruised my tailbone.
Oh, no. Are you gonna
be able to fly?
I can fly. I can fly.
I can't fly.
JOE:
Oh, no, why'd this
have to happen now?
We got five extra
charters this week.
And I'm almost
maxed out on hours.
Ah, what am I gonna do?
Hey, Lambert,
you're a pilot,
you could help him out.
( groans )
Yeah, Joe, um,
I could take Brian's flights.
Uh, well, thanks anyway,
but I'm really funny about
other people flying my plane.
Okay, fine, I'm, you know,
just trying to help.
Hey, Hackett, you could always
take her up for a test flight.
Hey, Alex, you know what?
Maybe you could help me out.
Why don't we go up
and I'll check you out
on the aircraft?
Now? I mean, I--
I really think I should
drive Brian to the doctor.
Nah, I can drive.
I can drive.
I can't drive.
No, no. You two go on.
I'll get him to the doctor.
Go on.
Great. Thanks, Roy.
I'll see you on the plane.
O-okay, um, I'll be there
as soon as I change.
Okay, um, I'll see you later.
All right. All right.
Now, Brian, you just cheer up.
If you're anything at all
like George,
you'll be up and about
in no time.
And then a week and a half later
you'll be broadsided by a bus.
Not all my stories
have happy endings.
Hackett, Hackett, Hackett!
How could you be so stupid?
What are you talking about, Roy?
I think you're crazy
to let 'em fly together.
Do the words "Mile High Club"
mean anything to you?
They're only going up
for a test flight.
Joe and Alex.
Nah.
Hey, uh, Scarpacci, uh,
Joe wants you to take Brian
to the doctor.
He'll pay you later.
Wha--?
What--? Brian, what happened?
( groans )
And please don't tell me
you ate at the Lobster Bucket.
( giggles )
What's so funny, Roy?
This isn't gonna be
such a boring day after all.
( laughs )
( upbeat piano theme playing )
( groans )
Oh, this is embarrassing.
Ah.
Oh, you'd think there'd be more
medical science could do
for a bruised tailbone
than make you sit on a donut.
Oh, well, you're lucky.
When my grandfather
had the same injury,
they did not have
such things.
He had to sit on the lap
of his fat uncle, Carmine.
Yeah, well, thanks for the ride
and for sharing
that really disturbing image.
( grunts )
( sighs )
Hey, Joe, I need to ask you--
Oh, Joe's not here.
He's up in a plane with Alex.
Still?
( whistles )
Okay.
Boy, you're a lot more trusting
than I am, Hackett.
If it was me, I would be
on that radio right now,
trying to find out what
the hell's going on up there.
Roy.
There's nothing goin' on.
You're right.
You're right.
Why would she be
interested in Joe
when she's got
a real man right here?
By the way,
how's your tushy feeling?
( laughs )
( piano theme playing )
( upbeat piano theme playing )
( sighs )
That's it, Fay.
I've done the best I can.
This place is as clean
as it's gonna get.
Oh, Helen, I think
it looks beautiful,
and you're gonna pass
that inspection
with flying colors.
Thanks, Fay.
I really needed to hear that.
But of course,
you might just wanna get
that little thing there.
Oh, right. Okay, thanks.
And-- A-and there's
a little gob of something
over by the stove.
All right, I see it.
You remember last Halloween
when Lowell dropped
that pumpkin pie,
and it splattered
all over everything?
( giggles )
Right.
Well, there's some right there.
Ow. Huh. Ow.
Huh. Ow.
Ooh. Ah.
Oh, hey, give these back
to Joe for me, will you?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
I'll give them to him
as soon as he gets back
from his flight.
Oh, they're back.
They're back?
Yeah, yeah.
He and Alex came in
from the field,
went straight in the office
and shut the door.
At least, I--
I think they're still in there.
You can't really tell
with the shades pulled.
You okay, Hackett?
Course I'm okay. Why--?
Why would you think
I wouldn't be?
( chuckles )
Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
( guffaws )
All right, when you land,
you just, uh, log in
your arrival time right there.
Okay.
And sign it down
at the bottom there
and that's it.
Sounds simple enough.
Hi.
ALEX: Hi.
Hey. Hey, how're you doing?
Everything's okay?
I-I see they gave you a donut.
Oh, yeah, the, uh--
Uh, I didn't need it,
but the doctor insisted.
You know doctors, right?
Donut. Donut. Donut. Donut.
Donut. Donut. Donut.
( sighs )
Well, uh, thanks
for fillin' in for me.
I know there's plenty
of other things
you'd rather be doing.
It's no problem.
In fact, it was--
It was kinda fun.
Oh, okay.
Which, by the way,
I have another flight,
so I'll see you later.
And, uh, I'll see you
on the plane, Joe.
Why do you have to
go up with her again?
She's goin' to Boston,
I've got an appointment there,
and I'm just hitchin' a ride.
Wait a minute.
You're not jealous, are you?
What? M-me? Come on.
( scoffs )
Jealous.
Yeah, I know Alex well enough
to know that I don't have to
worry about her.
You'd better not,
'cause you know how much
she hates jealous guys.
She does?
Yeah, that's why
she broke up with Dan.
Who?
Dan, the guy
she was engaged to.
She was engaged?
Don't you two talk?
Yeah, we talk.
We talk ourselves blue.
Which happens to be
her favorite color.
It's green.
It is?
( wheezy laugh )
( upbeat piano theme playing )
Celtics front office, yeah.
Uh, give me Red Auerbach.
That's right.
Uh, yeah. Yeah, it's me again.
Yeah.
Well, yeah, it's--
It's still the same message.
No, no, no. Please, no.
Tell him that I still want
Aeromass to be
the official airline
of the Boston Celtics.
Now, you think you can
handle that, toots?
Do--?
Nice mouth. O-oh.
Talk like that usually costs me
2 bucks a minute.
Do you know where I can find
the person who operates
this counter?
Who wants to know?
My name is Pam Chase.
I'm with the Massachusetts
Department of Public Health.
She's in the can.
I'll just wait here.
Oh, Helen,
that woman over there is--
Oh, my God.
Relax.
It's just--
That's Pam Chase.
You know her?
Know her? I hate her.
When we kids,
I was a little overweight,
and she never missed
an opportunity to torment me.
What is she doin' here?
You don't know?
You know what?
I don't care.
Call me when she leaves.
Uh, no, Helen, Helen,
Helen come here.
Now, you know me.
You know how I hate
to butt in, but, uh,
if she really tormented you,
you have no choice
but to take action.
What do you mean?
Well, I say that you
march right over there,
and you tell her off but good.
You make her feel the pain
you felt all those years.
Helen, if you don't do it
for yourself, at least do it
for all the fat, little,
tormented children everywhere.
You're an adult.
What can she do to you now?
( scoffs )
You're right, Roy.
Good.
Good girl.
Hello, Pam.
Remember me?
Helen?
Helen Chapel?
Listen, there's something
that's been bothering me
all these years.
When we were kids,
you weren't always
really nice to me.
You said things about my weight.
You said names like:
Tubbo,
Lard Lady,
and Mount St. Helens.
Well,
I have a few names for you.
You're rude,
you're vindictive,
you're shallow,
you're conceited,
you're phony, you're fake,
you're bitchy,
and above all,
you're the biggest tramp
this island's ever seen.
Now, everybody
knew about
you and Skip Riley doin' it
in the back seat of, uh,
his dad's Plymouth.
Well, you know how they knew?
I told them.
And I'm the one that started
calling you "Wham Bam Pam."
So, Wham Bam,
on behalf of all
the little, tortured,
fat children all over the world,
get outta here.
Move it.
Get away from my lunch counter.
( Helen giggles )
This is your lunch counter?
That's right, baby.
So go on. Move it.
There's nothing
you can do to me now.
I'm the state health inspector.
Oh, Pam, it's been so long.
Oh, I just love what you've done
with your hair.
( wheezy laugh )
Oh, this is great.
I say it and they do it.
( laughs )
Oh, I'm having a ball.
( upbeat piano theme playing )
Oh, Brian,
how are you feeling?
Yeah, and how's it going
with your butt?
( sighs )
Fine, Lowell. Thanks for asking.
Listen, um,
I don't wanna sound paranoid
or anything, but--
But do you think there's
something going on
between Joe and Alex?
Brian, I'm ashamed of you.
How could you
accuse your brother
of something like that?
No, you're right. Thanks, Fay.
I really needed to hear that.
And on the other hand,
who could blame him?
You are the one
who stole his fiancée.
Maybe he did wait
all these years
just to get even.
Everyone knows
revenge is a dish
best served cold.
In Italy, we have
the same expression,
except instead of revenge,
we use the word "calamari."
Oh, it's crazy.
Joe Hackett doesn't have
a mean bone in his body.
Yeah, yeah, of course not.
He's probably
just experiencing
that raw, wanton,
sexual passion
that occurs between people
who work together
day in and day out.
I mean, God,
take a look at Alex.
LOWELL:
I-- Uh, she's got
the kind of body
that drives...
lonely mechanics wild.
I mean, if you
weren't my boss,
I'd be on...
Enough said.
Brian, don't-- Don't worry.
I-I know a man and a woman
who worked together for 15 years
side by side in a grocery store.
Never so much as looked
at each other.
There you go.
Of course, no one
could look at them.
They were the two ugliest people
in our village.
Not like Alex and Joe.
Can you--?
Can you imagine how beautiful
their children would be?
Oh.
Thanks, thanks, thanks.
Thanks for your help.
JOE:
Hey.
Hey, Brian.
Hey.
Uh, listen, Brian.
Can I, uh,
borrow Alex tonight?
Why?
Funny thing happened
on the plane.
We met this nice old couple.
They had tickets to the Pops.
They can't go,
so they gave 'em to us.
They thought we were married.
( both laugh )
Isn't that funny?
( chuckles mockingly )
So you'd be okay spending
the evening alone?
Yeah, sure. Sure, sure.
I'll just--
I'll rent a film and I'll
pull up a comfortable chair
and stand behind it.
Great. Okay, see you tomorrow.
All right.
See you later.
You bet.
Wow.
If there was ever a time
I wish I was wrong, Hackett,
this is it.
It kills me to see anybody
treated that way,
especially by
his own brother.
Oh, look, Hackett, we--
We've never been close,
but if you need me,
I'm here for you.
Thanks, Roy.
( wheezy laugh )
Be brave, Hackett.
( wheezy laugh )
( upbeat piano theme playing )
I had a very nice time, Joe.
Thank you.
Oh, thanks. Me too.
We've gotta do that again.
It's so much fun.
Yeah.
( wheels rolling )
Aha!
Brian?
( Brian cackles )
You know what time it is?
Yeah, it's 2 a.m.
It's 2 a.m.
Have you been drinking?
Matter of fact, I have.
Yeah, found Joey's private stash
in his office,
and I'm feeling no pain. Heh.
I even threw away my donut.
Brian, those beers
are nonalcoholic.
In that case,
I'm feeling lots of pain.
That concert ended
at exactly 10:21.
It is now...2:07.
Where the hell have you been?
If you must know,
we went to Martha's Vineyard
for some coffee.
Ha, ha! Of course.
That's where everyone
goes for coffee at 2 a.m.
Martha's Vineyard,
the Decaf Island.
Alex, you would've
found this out eventually,
but our father also went insane.
So.
You're finally gettin' me back
for, uh, stealin'
your fiancée, huh?
( scoffs )
Wha--? Are you kidding me?
Hey, hey, hey,
don't be coy with me.
Everybody knows
that revenge and calamari
are best served cold.
What, you don't think
I know what goes on
between two people, hm?
Who work together
day in and day out?
It's not as though you're
the two ugliest people
in the village.
Joe, was your dad
ever this bad?
Nowhere near. Look, Brian,
I think you'd better stop--
No, I'll-- No, I'll deal
with you in a minute.
I knew I never
should've trusted you.
So, sweetheart,
got anything to say
for yourself?
Go to hell.
Go to hell.
And as for you?
I've only got one question.
At exactly what point
did I become
a complete and total
jackass?
I think it was right after
you said, "Aha!"
How could you think I would do
something like that?
What are you talkin' about?
Roy kept pointing out how close
you two guys were getting.
You listen to Roy?
Ow. Oh.
ALEX:
I'm not leaving.
I'm not letting you off
that easy.
Now, for your information,
the only reason I was spending
so much time with Joe
was to help you out.
And it--
Besides, it wasn't even my idea.
Roy suggested it.
Roy told me to take her
on a test flight,
so I took her on a test flight.
Ooh, yeah, yeah
I'm gon--
( screams )
ALL:
Oh!
Helen, what are you doin' here?
( sighs )
I'm cleanin' my kitchen.
I got 16 health violations,
and if I don't fix 'em
by morning,
they're gonna shut me down.
Well, how did that happen?
Never would've happened
if I hadn't told off
the health inspector.
But nope.
I had to listen
to my good friend Roy.
( upbeat theme playing )
Hey, hey, hey, Hackett.
Your airline just got
a lot smaller,
'cause mine just got
a lot bigger.
( Roy laughs )
What are you talkin' about, Roy?
Well, I finally got a call
from Mr. Red Auerbach
of the Boston Celtics.
They want Aeromass to be
the official airline
for the team.
HELEN: Wow.
That's incredible.
( chuckles )
Roy, you've been tryin'
to do that for years.
Well, they finally wised up
and accepted my offer. Heh.
Well, aren't you gonna
have to buy a bigger plane?
Ooh. I'm glad you asked,
because I just put
a very sizable deposit down
on a brand-new 727.
Wait a minute. Where were you
able to scare up that much cash?
Oh, that's the beauty part, see.
I also got a call this morning
from Nantucket Realty.
So?
ROY: So I've always had a dream
of tapping into some of that
easy Hollywood money.
Well, guess who just made
a very generous offer
on that piece of bottomland
that I call
oceanfront property?
Who?
Mr. Jack Nicholson.
Wow.
( laughs )
That's unbelievable.
Ooh, what a sucker.
Oh, so long, losers.
( sighs )
BRIAN: Whoa, man.
Mm.
Nice work, Mr. Nicholson.
( as Jack Nicholson ):
Same to you, Mr. Auerbach.
( upbeat piano theme playing )
( upbeat piano theme playing )