Wings (1990–1997): Season 4, Episode 11 - Exit Laughing - full transcript

( upbeat piano theme playing )

So how're you doing
over there?

Okay.

Yeah?

You know, uh...

gonna be
a pretty long flight.

Would you like
a...coloring book?

Got one right here.

No, thanks.
I'm fine.

Okey-doke.

( sighs )



Boy, flying a plane's
really neat, you know.

It's almost
like we're...

a great big bird.

( chuckling ):
W-well...

a-actually, sir,

i-it couldn't be
more different.

Whereas birds move
the airfoil of their wings,

through the atmosphere
to achieve lift,

a plane uses
a stationary airfoil

and forward movement,
or thrust,

to achieve
the same effect.

It's all just
rudimentary physics

and simple aerodynamics.

Tell you what...



you fly,
and I'll color.

( sighs )

Coffee, please,
Helen, and...

keep it coming.

Oh, God, Antonio,

you look exhausted.

Ah, I am.

I haven't slept all week.

At 5 a.m. every morning,

I wake up
to the piercing sound

of my neighbor's
leaf blower.

Does it sound like:

[DRONING]

Or does it sound
more like:

[DRONING RAPIDLY]

The second one.

Oh, that would be
the Yard Demon 742.

Known in the trade
as The Big Bad Wolf.

You're up
against the best.

ROY:
Leaf blower, huh?

That's not a problem.

If it's gas-powered,

you put sugar
in the fuel tank.

If it's electric,
you snip the cord.

Then you simply pour kerosene

on the guy's lawn
and light it.

BRIAN:
If you're having problems
with the guy,

why don't you
just talk to him?

Ah, I'm--
I'm not good

at face-to-face
confrontations.

I know,
I-I could, uh--

I could send him
a politely-worded note,

along with a box
of scented soaps.

You sure you don't want
to go over

and draw his bath?

I just hope
I-I'm not forced

to call my uncle Carmine.

He knows people
who know people.

Wait, Antonio, do you really
think that's necessary?

Yes, one of those people must
have a place I could sleep.

Helen, do you see
that young man

over at the Sandpiper desk?

See him?

I'm trying to decide
what to buy him

for our 25th
wedding anniversary.

Well, I don't like the way

he's snooping
around.

Well, I actually like the way
he's doing it.

I just, uh...
N-never mind.

Uh-- Uh, excuse me.

Excuse me.

Are you looking
for something?

No, actually someone.

Is this where
Joe Hackett works?

Oh, yes.
But he's not here now.

Oh. Well, uh...

Look, I'm Connor MacDevitt.

I'm a friend
of his from college,

and I didn't want
to be on Nantucket

without stopping by
to say hello.

Oh, how nice, well,
Joe should be back soon.

Uh, if you'd like to have
a cup of coffee,

I'm sure that
that blond, perky

and conveniently
unattached waitress

would be happy
to serve you.

Thanks.

But I'm telling ya,

you wanna set that neighbor
of yours straight,

borrow my chain saw

and do a little
creative tree-trimming.

I don't see myself
as a chain-saw kind of guy.

Okay. We'll move on.

Does he have any pets
or loved ones

living in the house
with him?

Jesus, Roy!
Oh, come on.

You're handcuffing me here.

So after college
did you become a pilot too?

No, actually,
I'm an oceanographer.

Really?

I've always found
that so fascinating.

You know, I never miss
a Jacques Cousteau special.

Yeah, I've been out with him
a few times on the Calypso.

You're kidding.
You know Jacques Cousteau?

( chuckling ):
Yeah.

We once spent eight hours

in a decompression chamber.

We passed the time
playing charades.

What I thought was
an elaborate clue

just turned out to be
a case of the bends.

Morning, Helen.

Morning, Joe.
Joe?

Connor?
Connor MacDevitt.

Oh, my God,
it's been ages.

How you doing?
I'm great, I'm great.

What brings you
to Nantucket?

Work, we're studying
the whale feeding grounds

off Stellwagen Bank.
Huh.

So Connor says you two went
to school together?

Right, we were
in the same fraternity.

HELEN:
Oh.

In fact, one night we were
in the same sorority.

Anybody still
call you Skirts?

I, uh, don't think
anyone really wants

to hear about--
I think someone wants

to hear
about that.

Go right ahead,
Skirts.

Come on--
Well, one night

we were all
sitting around,

trying to come up
with a way

to sneak into
a sorority house--
Yes.

--and Joe had this idea.

It would've worked too

if I hadn't broken
a high heel on the stairs.

Come on,
I'll show you around

before we dredge up
any more memories.

Okay. I'll talk
to you later, Helen.

Okay.

Whoo.

That guy's incredible.

You know,
not many men have it all.

Oh, I know.

So many of them just work
the upper body.

So few have the legs
to go with it.

( upbeat theme playing )

And that brings us
back to the hangar.

And that's about it.

Oh, and this is, uh,

my number one mechanic,
Lowell Mather.

Wait a minute, Joe...

"number one mechanic"?

You mean
there's a number two?

There's a new guy?

Is this the bozo?

Lowell, Lowell--

Let me guess.

I'm supposed to take him
under my wing,

teach him
everything I know.

And then just sit idly by
while he squeezes me out.

Lowell...

this is
Connor MacDevitt.

He's an old fraternity
brother of mine.

Oh, great. Nepotism.

Lowell, he isn't
even a mechanic.

He's just visiting.

Oh, nice to meet ya.

Well, that was
interesting.

( sighs )

What can I tell you?
He came with the hangar.

So how's
your social life?

You, uh, dating
anyone special?

No, I'm not even
dating anyone ordinary.

What about you?

Uh, it depends.

What's the story
with Helen?

Is she seeing anyone?

Uh...no.

No, not really.
But, uh-- You know, I--

I really wouldn't
get involved there.

I-I know both of you
and to be perfectly honest,

I just don't
think it would work.

Why not?

Well, you just wouldn't mix.

It'd be like oil and water.

Although oil and water
don't technically mix,

seen up close,
their union creates

a rainbow
of ethereal beauty.

Anyone who's been face down

in the gutter
on a rainy night

will back me up
on that one.

He must be
a really good mechanic.

Time for a break, guys.

How 'bout some iced tea?

You know,
these boys work so hard,

I like to bring them
something cool

and refreshing to help them
through the day.

Since when?

Oh, just drink it, Joe.

Well, thanks anyway,
but I gotta get going.

Oh, already?

You-- You just got here.

Yeah, I'm afraid so.

I've got people
waiting for me.

Talk to you later,
Joe.

Yeah. So long.
Good to see you.

Helen.
Yes.

Lowell,
nice meeting you.

HELEN:
Bye.

Whoo.

You never told me
you went to college

with a babe like that.

Connor?

Yeah, he's okay,
I guess.

"Okay"?
No, Joe, you're okay.

( chuckles )

Man, this guy is hot.

Um, do you think
you can put in

a good word for me?

Well, I gu--
I guess I could.

Oh, thanks, Joe.

Well, you'll have to do
a lot better

than you did.
Uh--

Lowell, don't you have
some work--?

Now, wai-- Wai--
Wai-- Wait.

What did he say?

Well, if memory serves,

he pretty much told that guy

that dating you
would be a big mistake.

Now, Joe...

maybe in your own
subtle way

you're trying to bring
these two kids together.

But, darn it, sometimes
you've just got

to come right out
and say what you mean.

Get out, Lowell.

S-- See?
There you go.

What did you tell Connor
about me?

Nothing, nothing.

Uh, he just sorta

asked about you,
and I just sorta

told him that you might
not be good together.

Well, you have your nerve.

Where the hell do you get off?

Helen, listen,
trust me.

I know this guy.
There's no way--

Well, you obviously
don't know me.

See, I don't need you
screening my dates.

How arrogant can you be?

I can't believe that--

Oh.

Wait a minute.

( laughs )

What are you laughing at?

Oh, Joe, Joe, Joe.

Poor warped,
lonely little Joe.

Tsk, I know what this
is all about. Pfft.

( laughs )

Oh, stop that.

You don't want me to go out
with Connor...

'cause you can't bear
to see me with another man.

Oh, please.

Just admit it,
Joe,

you're still
not over me yet.

Not over you?

Helen,
I've taken more time

getting
over speed bumps.

Joe,

read my lips.

We're not getting
back together.

Oh, yeah?
Read my lips.

( blows raspberry )

Oh, well,
that was attractive.

Helen, look, I don't care
who you go out with.

Okay, well, if that's true,
then stop meddling.

You know, I can take care
of my own social life,

thank you very much,
so just butt out.

You know,
I don't need

you to speak to any man
on my behalf.

Is that clear?
Perfectly.

Good. Now get on the phone
with Connor and fix me up.

( upbeat theme playing )

( indistinct chatter )

What a pleasant surprise
you called.

I didn't know
you had my number.

Joe gave it to me.

Oh, that Joe.

You know, I sure hope
you like Jerry Lewis movies.

Oh, actually,
I've never seen one.

Well, I love the guy.

I know, I know,

a lot of people are afraid
to admit that,

but I think he's funny.

Actually, it was
Jacques Cousteau

who helped me come out
of the closet with Jerry.

Jacques Cousteau
is a Jerry Lewis fan?

Well, you should see him
walking around the boat

on the inside edges
of his swim fins.

( as Jerry Lewis ):
Hey, lady.

( upbeat music playing
over speakers )

Oh, watch.

I love the way
this movie starts.

( cuckoo clock chiming )

( crash )

( all laugh )

( laughs )

( laughing obnoxiously )

CROWD:
Shh.

( laughing obnoxiously )

( laughing obnoxiously )

( upbeat theme playing )

( indistinct chatter )

Hey, uh...

Antonio,
did you ever, uh...

figure out that thing
with your neighbor?

Huh?
Uh...

I spoke to him
about the leaf blower,

as you advised,

and we came
to an understanding.

Now I understand
his passion for gardening,

and he understands
my inability

to bob or move
to my right.

For God's sake.
What a wimp.

I told you,
you shoulda listened to me.

The only way
to handle a bully

is to be
a bully.

I'll take care
of it for ya.

Well, Roy,
you really don't--

Don't worry.
I can handle it.

Before all my neighbors
moved away,

I used to do this kind
of thing all the time.

Antonio, you really think
you should let Roy handle this?

Brian,
I called my neighbor.

I-I sent him
a nice note.

I tried to reason
with him.

He hit me in my face.

Now...

it is time to unleash
the dogs of hell.

Uh, Helen's not
here yet, huh?

No.
Heh.

I set her up with Connor
MacDevitt last night.

MacDevitt?
That guy from your frat house?

The one with the:

( laughs obnoxiously )

That guy?

That's the one.

Oh, man, that-- That--

That guy's laugh
could set off a car alarm.

That-- That guy's laugh
could be a car alarm.

Hey, it is her own fault.

I tried to warn her
about this guy,

but then she starts in
about me being jealous.

So I figured, go out with him
and find out for your--

Whoa, whoa, she's coming.

JOE:
Tsk, morning, Helen.

Good morning.

How'd things go
with Connor last night?

You guys have a lot
of laughs?

Oh, we had a great time.

We went to dinner
and a movie.

Oh, movies.

Uh, say,
aren't they showing

that Jerry Lewis
Film Festival, Joe?

Why, I believe they are, Brian.

I understand it's hysterical.
Really?

Oh, they, heh--
They must have laughed

their heads off, huh?

JOE:
Helen, did you, uh,

notice anything
odd at all about Connor?

Oh, Joe.
Quit trying to run him down.

I told you, it's over
between you and me.

Oh, she says that
just to annoy me.

Oh, why else would anyone
wanna talk to ya?

JOE:
Helen, I'm talking
about the guy's laugh

and you know it.

He laughs like--
Like, uh--

Like, uh, a pack mule
after a double espresso?

Okay, okay. Yes.

I noticed his laugh.

And, yes,
it's a little bit unusual,

but certainly nothing
that would turn me off.

Oh, come on.
You're lying.

It drove you nuts.
It had to.

She's lying.

HELEN:
Joe, look...

maybe when you go out
with a girl,

all you care about
is what's on the surface.

Is her butt firm enough?

Are her legs long enough?
Are her breasts big enough?

Well, you know, if the breasts
and legs are there,

I'm willing to cut
some slack on the butt.

Shut up.

But I, on the other hand,
am only concerned

with what's on the inside
of a person.

And the way they laugh,
that just doesn't matter.

It matters.

FAY:
Uh, Helen,
it sounds as if you had

a wonderful time
with that Connor fella.

Is that what
it sounded like?

Well, you just told Joe

you had a great time.

That's
what I heard.
Oh...

Don't you have anything better

to do than to listen
to my conversations?

It's either that
or have one of our own.

All right, the truth
of the matter is...

most of the night
was perfect.

I mean,
he's intelligent,

he's fun and charming...

But?

But it was his laugh.

Oh!

It was like fingernails
on a chalkboard.

I mean,
if I could've ripped

the cushion
from my theater seat,

I would have smothered him
with it.

Why did you tell Joe
you had a good time?

There's no way
I'm going to give him

the satisfaction
of knowing he was right.

Hell, I'd marry the jackal
before I'd do that.

Well-- Now, Helen,
if that's the only negative,

then maybe you should find
a way to live with it.

Well, for instance,
my second husband George

had this annoying habit
of flicking his cigar ashes

wherever he happened to be.

I kept telling him,
George, use an ashtray.

But he would just smile
and go ahead

and flick 'em
right on the carpet and--

Well, it wasn't easy,

but I got to the point

where I was able
to ignore that.

Fay, I think
this is

a little different
than that.

Of course, when he died
I had him cremated.

He's using
an ashtray now.

Well, I'm with Helen.

Yeah, sometimes a person
just has annoying habits

you can't overlook.

Yeah.
Now Bunny had one.

She used to drum
her fingers on the table

when she would read
the morning paper.

That drove me crazy.

That's what broke up
our marriage.

Lowell,
I thought it was

because Bunny slept
with other men.

Oh, right.

I'll make that
two annoying habits.

You know, I suppose
it would be foolish

to just overlook
all his good qualities

over one
little quirk.

I think that's very wise, dear.
HELEN: All right.

Big mistake,
my philosophy is

if a relationship isn't
good from the get-go,

get going.

Whenever I have
a blind date,

I ask them to wait
for me on the curb.

That way I can drive by,
check out the goods.

I don't like what I see,

I leave 'em in a cloud
of tire dust.

Why, I understand
as a child,

he ate a lot of paints.

( upbeat theme playing )

Hey, boys.

Good news, Topo Gigio,

you can sleep in
tomorrow morning.

Your neighbor
and his leaf blower

will not be
bothering you again.

Ah,
w-what exactly did you do?

I dry-iced
his ground cover,

hit the trees

with a high-grade
chemical defoliant,

and for the icing
on the cake,

released locusts
in his rose garden.

Heh, locusts.
That's-- That's inventive.

Hey, it pays
to read your Bible.

Had a couple
of cherry bombs

left over
from last Halloween,

so I took care of that
weeny little trellis

on his porch too.

Weeny little trellis?

What weeny little trellis?

Not the one
with the morning glories?

I don't know, they were
little purple things.

Now they're toast.

Oh, no.

My neighbor doesn't have
a trellis, Roy.

That was my house.

You blew up
Antonio's porch.

This is what I get
for letting you do this.

These are the fruits
of revenge.

Oh, that reminds me.

Don't count
on that apple tree

in the front yard being
a big producer this year.

Helen.
You're still here?

I thought you were
going out with Connor.

I am.
He's on his way over.

Oh, Fay,
you gotta help me.

I don't wanna go.

You've been out with him
every night this week.

I thought you two were
getting along great.

It's that laugh, Fay.

That chilling laugh.

I've tried
and I've tried,

but I just can't
get past it.

The hell with what
Joe thinks,

I just can't take
it anymore.

Oh, w-well, now, look,

wouldn't you solve
all your problems

if you just told
Connor the truth?

Fay, how do you politely
tell someone

that they're perfect
in every way,

except when they laugh?

It's like a cold,
steel shaft

being driven
through my head.

I'm afraid
it might sound...

petty.

Well, my grandmother
used to tell me

honesty
is the best policy.

Actually, she wasn't
my grandmother.

She was just some broad
my grandfather

was shacked up with.

But the words
still ring true.

Oh, God, Fay.

I guess you're right.

Hey, Helen.

Hi, Connor.

Don't forget it.
No, I won't.

Ready to go?

Uh, almost...

Um, listen, can I talk
to you a second first?

Sure. What's up?

Listen...

I've been trying
to think of a way

to tell you this
for a week now.

And, uh...

I know this may sound direct,

but, um...

I've had this feeling
every time that I'm with you--

Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.

I-I'd better stop you
because I--

I think I can see
where you're going.

Look, I was gonna tell you
this at dinner,

but now I don't
think it can wait.

Helen...

( sighs )

I think we should
stop seeing each other.

What?

You're a terrific person.

Y-you're everything I've been
looking for in a woman,

and I really tried to get past
this problem I'm having,

but-- But I can't.

It's your accent.

My accent?

You're dumping me
because of my accent?

I'm sorry.

It just gets on my nerves.

I'm sure
a lot of people

might think a Southern accent
is very charming.

Unfortunately,
I'm not one of them.

I don't believe this.

You're dumping me?

Helen, please don't
say it like that--

Well, that's what it is,
isn't it?

No, don't say it like that.

It's your drawl.
It drives me nuts.

You know, I can't believe
how shallow you're being.

I mean, here I am,

an intelligent, fun,
attractive woman,

and you're just willing
to throw all that away

because of something
so insignificant?

( sighing ):
Oh.

God.

Now that the words
are out of my mouth,

it does sound shallow.

Sure does.

We have had
a lot of laughs.

Maybe we should
give it ano--

No, no, no, no.

You said
what you meant,

and, uh...

( thick Southern accent ):
Frankly, I don't think

I can ever get over it.

Nope. Once them bullets
are out the gun,

you can't suck 'em
back in, can ya?

Nah, just hang heavy
over our relationship,

like the dew
on a snake's belly.

Like mud
on a pig's snout.

Oh, I'm sorry!

But I was right
the first time.

I can't listen
to this.

Goodbye, Helen.

Write if you feel like it,

but whatever you do,
don't call.

( normal voice ):
Call?

Where would I call you?
At the zoo?

'Cause that's
where all the hyenas live.

Can't believe that guy,
of all the nerve.

But I-I'd think
you'd be relieved.

Relieved?
I'm insulted.

He has his nerve.

I was supposed
to dump him.

I thought I heard
Connor out here.

He's gone.

What? Didn't you
two have plans?

No, not anymore.

What happened?

Oh, you wanna know
what happened?

Your friend Connor
came in here...

and I dumped him.

Why?

The laugh, Joe,
the laugh.

I couldn't take
the laugh.

I knew it.
I knew it.

I had you pegged.

You were just as shallow
as I thought you were.

Well, go ahead and gloat, Joe.
You have every right.

If you had listened to me
in the first place,

you never would've had to go
through all this.

I hope you had the decency
to let him down easy.

Oh, no, don't you worry,
I let him down in that...

gentle, soft way
we Southern girls have.

( chuckles )

I'll bet
if you asked him,

he'd probably
tell you...

it was all his idea.

Well, at least
that's something.

( laughing ):
Now, let's face it, Helen,

I know you better
than you know yourself.

Oh, yeah, you do.

( upbeat piano theme playing )