Will & Grace (1998–…): Season 2, Episode 23 - Ben? Her?: Part 1 - full transcript

- Look at that. I'm five for five.
- What's that?

It's this test.
the five pillars of happiness.

Supposed to determine
the level of contentment in your life.

And it comes with a lotion sample.
so you know it's scientific.

I can't believe you would
evaluate your life

based on something
in the Lifestyle section.

Okay. that was obligatory.
Bring it on.

The first pillar is health.

I gave myself a big yes.
'cause I just had my physical.

Everything's where it's supposed
to be. I'm running every day. and...

well. Iook at those calves. It's like
my knees swallowed a grapefruit.



Your turn.

I think I'm hypoglycemic.
I'm always tired and I can't poop.

I would give that a "no."

Okay. pillar number two is family.

- That's a big yes. You?
- Well. Let's see.

My mother's idea of bonding
is making me scratch her back.

and for my last birthday.
my father gave me gum.

That's another "no" for Grace.

Moving on. Iove life.

- Another "no" for Grace.
- Excuse me!

No. you can mark that "yes."
thank you.

Josh and I are doing great.

I mean. it's not perfect.
but we care about each other very much.

Grace? Hey.
what are you doing?



You left an hour ago to get bagels.

Here.

Toast 'em up. I'll be back in 15.

Okay. honey.
Uh. your laundry is almost done.

Well. you get
a "no" on love life. too.

Actually. I haven't told you this yet. but
there's this lawyer. Alex.

We've only had one date.
but I'm already seeing

2.5 Jack Russell terriers
and his-and-his SUVs in my future.

Yeah. yeah. okay. Next.

Okay. pillar number four.
friendships.

- Okay. now we're talking.
- No. no. no. no.

Note the "s."
Friendships.

They're talking more
than just you and me.

This test sucks.

And the final pillar is work.
I love my job.

I work with a lush
who insults me.

Okay. final tally is...

Will.
Dee-de-de-lee-dee-dee

Grace.
Waa-waa-waa.

You're not that happy.

I've known you a very long time.
There's always something bugging you.

Come on. think hard.

- What is rotten in your life?
- I don't know.

My life is-- okay.
actually. there is something.

I don't like how you've stopped
having lunch with me at my office.

You know why that is.
I hate the view.

Really? I thought
it was because you hated Ben.

That's what I meant.
the view of Ben.

Okay. I'll tell you what.
We'll have him over.

I'll make dinner.
and all you have to make is nice.

Think you can do that?

- I can make nice.
- All right.

I'm always nice.

- Sweetie. the bagels are ready.
- Call me when they're cream-cheesed.

- Love you.
- Uh-huh.

( theme music playing )

Hey Care Bear.

Something's bothering me.
Can we talk?

Sure. honey.
Hey. are you wearing make-up?

Nothing. really.
just a little man-tan.

- Your eyelashes look good. too.
- Thanks.

I'm wearing individuals.

I'm concerned. Um...

does Rosario seem different to you?

Come to think of it. she sent me
to work today with a juice box.

I guess that means Mason went
to school with a thermos full of Stoli.

She's distant.
she's distracted.

She's getting a little handsy
in her sleep.

Last night. she rolled over and shook
hands with Master Harold and the Boys.

And let me tell you.
they were not amused.

I know. honey. but listen.

it's been my experience that when
problems arise between husband and wife.

one should never
point the finger of blame

because it's always
the husband's fault.

I know what it is.

Doilet-toilet.

I forgot our anniversary.

How insensitive of me.

This is my wife.
my significant otra.

That's good. honey. Why don't you
just run home right now

and tell her
how much she means to you?

I would.
but I have a date with Fernando.

Oh.

Well. then. why don't you
pick up a little something.

and bring it to her tonight? Something
she'd love. Iike pork or Tinactin.

No. not that.

It has to be
a more meaningful gift.

I don't know. what's the traditional
first anniversary gift?

Ooh. well. Iet me try
to remember.

For my first
anniversary. I got...

a million dollars in cash.

Paper. it's paper!

Paper? Paper is so blah.

Let me tell you.

when the gays can get married.
that's the first thing that goes.

So we're at this dim sum
restaurant downtown.

- and they have this thing called bao--
- Yes. I know what bao is.

I spent the summer
at the Culinary lnstitute in Hong Kong.

Personally. I prefer har gow.

- Okay. not the point of the story.
- Will: Anyway...

so she decides to have
some fun with the waiter.

so she says. "What are these white
puffy things?" And he says "Bao."

So. I do.

- "Okay. but what are they called?"
- Bao.

- "Okay. but what are they called?"
- Bao!

She did it like five or six times.

( Will and Grace laughing )

It was a very funny story.

I guess the humor
was derived from two things:

One, that the two words
sounded the same;

two. that you made fun of someone
who doesn't speak English very well.

Funny people think it's funny.

Really?
How would you know?

You know what.
Benjamin?

What do you want me to say.
bow wow?

All right. all right. all right.
all right. all right. all right.

Don't make me turn this car around
or we're going home without ice cream!

(phone rings )

Hello.

Hi. Alex.
I was just thinking about you.

Okay. I wasn't.
but I certainly am now.

Let me take this outside.

( laughs )

- It bugs you. doesn't it?
- What?

When you're not
the center of attention?

It kills you. I can tell.

- You think so?
- Mmm.

I know you. Ben.

You're so focused on yourself
and your whole Ben Doucette thing.

But do you ever think
of anyone else?

Have you ever stopped
to ask someone else what's up?

What's up. Grace?

No. I don't think so.
that's not gonna work with me.

We're talking about you.

All right. fine.
What do you want to know?

How about something real?

Something
that doesn't involve the words

"Porsche." "beach house"
or "what's-her-name?"

Mmm.
Okay. something real.

Well.
I've been married twice--

first to the love of my life.
who died 10 years ago.

then to a woman
who reminded me of my first wife.

but was. I found out.
nothing like her.

I have two beautiful kids. one who's crazy
about me and one who's not.

And somehow.
driving my Porsche

to my beach house
with what's-her-name.

doesn't quite make up for the fact
that the things I really want in my life

are exactly
what's missing from it.

Wow.

Is that true?

All but the Porsche part.
I drive a Mercedes now.

S-Class.

Any more questions.
Grace?

Um...
how's the lamb?

I made it.
you know?

It's really good. Grace.
It's good.

Date number two is set.
The romance pillar is a little firmer--

Iet me rephrase that.

Uh-oh.

Grace. you didn't tell
the irregular pantyhose story. did you?

There was something
in the air tonight

The stars were bright.
Fernando.

What?

( sighs )
You know what?

Now let me just give these to my wife. and
then we'll go make out.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Cha Cha.
what are you doing home?

I thought you had
a date with Dennis.

( mocks spitting )

Not till 10:00.

Anyway. Rosie. um...

I know you're upset
because I forgot our anniversary.

but I'm just hoping
that this will make up for it.

Oh. so sweet.

And since paper is the traditional
first anniversary gift...

Oh. Bounty.

Now I can cross it off my list.

Happy anniversary.
Rosebud.

Don't wait up.

Is it safe?

My husband's gone.
but I would not say that it is safe.

my little cup
of crema de cacahuates.

Rosie. can I have some cash--

Jennifer Love Hewitt!
What the hell is going on here?!

What can I say. chica?
The heart wants what it wants.

But you and Gardener?

We're in love.
We want to get married.

Well. I guess it's clear.

I'm the only one in this relationship who
values the sanctity of marriage.

Come on. Fernando!

Mr. Zamir?

- Mr. Zamir!
- What? What?

- What are you doing?
- Nothing.

I was walking my dog.

- What dog?
- Uh. where did he go?

( makes kissing sounds )

Doggy. doggy. doggy.
Doggy. doggy. doggy.

You were hunched over.
reading a personal card to Grace.

I would never do something
like that. It is wrong.

I'm glad you realize that.

So. she has slept with a guy
with named Ben last night.

Let me see that.

Uh. that's a filthy note.

but also tender
and gentle in spots.

Grace and Ben?

- Hey.
- Will. what are you doing?

I was helping Mr. Zamir
look for his dog.

I don't have a dog.

You and Ben?

Hey. you're the one
who wanted us to make nice.

We did.
We made nice. Twice.

You are unbelievable.

You're the second guy to tell me
that in the last 12 hours.

Come on. Iaugh.

Grace. he's my boss.

Obviously. I didn't plan
this thing with Ben. It just happened.

It was just this wild chemical.

"ripping off of a pair
of $50 panties" kind of thing.

Thank you. Grace.

That'll go next to the visual of my
grandmother getting out of the tub.

Don't make me
feel bad about this.

Ben's a great guy.

Besides. you have all five
pillars of happiness.

Let me have this one.

But my boss? I mean.
did you stop for one minute to--

you know what?
I'm not gonna do this.

This is your life.
your decision. Enjoy it.

Oh. Will. the passive-aggressive
gay man. it's been done.

No. no. no. no.
This is relaxed fit gay man.

I'm serious. I'm making a whole
new choice with this conversation.

See Ben.
Honestly. it's fine.

All right.
I'm gonna take you at your word.

because I do want
to keep seeing him.

Good. Terrific. have fun.
Just leave me out of it.

Last thing I need in my life
right now is somebody else's drama.

My wife is cheating on me!
My life is ruined! Will. help me!

Enter the drama queen.
exit the neighbor.

Can you believe this?

She wants to divorce me
and marry Gardener.

I'm out on the street!

That's shocking. Is there any way
you can tell me about this

without screeching
like a howler monkey?

You know what?
I don't need you!

I have plenty of friends who would be more
than happy to help me through this!

Goodbye!

You don't even pretend
to leave anymore. do you?

This is serious. Will.

I am about to lose everything.
and I have a dog and a bird to support.

Jack. it was
a sham marriage.

What are you going to do?
Take Karen to court and demand

she keep you in the lifestyle to which
you've become accustomed?

I'm not talking about--
I don't--

can I really do that?

Mr. Doucette said
that you should review the Blumen file.

- Where is it?
- I don't know. ask his assistant.

- You are his assistant.
- I just said I didn't know.

Wow. is that your fun side?

I'm just asking.
'cause I wouldn't want to miss it.

( sighs )

( romantic jazz music playing )

- ( Grace laughs )
- You should consider yourself lucky.

Why is that?

'Cause I get about $500 an hour
for the work I do at this table.

That's it? I wouldn't
get out of bed for $500.

Really?
Will you take a check?

All right. you either said
something very romantic.

or you called me a prostitute.

- Whatever. sounded good.
- Yeah.

How you doing. Truman?

Hi. Will.

What can I do for you?

Oh. I was just looking
for the Blumen file.

but hey.
Mr. Blumen can wait.

One more day in a Turkish prison
never hurt anybody.

Okay. okay. I'll get it for you.
It's in my office.

- You want to cut in?
- Uh.

- No. thank you. I'd rather not.
- Aw. come on. cut in.

This lady's gotta dance.

See you later. sweetheart.
You too. Grace.

Oh. please. with the look.
How many times did I have to watch

you and Michael do
"Summer Loving" from "Grease"?

That wasn't a look.
I was just looking at your skirt.

Shouldn't you be
on the dashboard of a cab. going...

It's amazing. you know.

when things are working
in the relationship department.

all those other pillars
just fall into place.

Me and my family
are getting along.

- I'm loving my job again.
- Yeah. what about your health?

Health's better too.
but that's not Ben. that's bran.

Hello. Karen.
Hello. Grace.

I am here on business.

Oh. great. Put me down
for two boxes of the Thin Mints.

Okay. different business.

Damn. now I want a cookie.
Okay. I'll be back.

This is in regard to the very tragic

and devastating collapse
of my marriage to Rosario.

It's the laughter you'll remember.
honey. Let's go buy make-up.

And... even though
one could never

put a price on the pain
and suffering this has caused me.

one has.

Jack. I don't read.
I'm read to.

Very well. Item one.
$500.000 paid to me by you

over the next four years.
preferably in 50s.

Item two. A Shetland pony
dyed powder blue to match my eyes.

Item three.
powder blue eyes.

- Item four--
- Wait a minute. wait a minute. Blanche!

I'm still on item one.
500.000 in 50s?

Yeah. I've always been turned on
by one Benji Franklin.

He wasn't afraid to wear his hair
up and away from the face.

Franklin's on the 100.
you mook.

And where do you get off
asking me for 500K?

Do you know how many times
I had to...

( pants )
"Oh my God. Stan!"

( screams )
...to get that?

Well. we did have a contract.

I gave you a year of my life
so Rosario could stay in the country.

I don't think a trust fund
and a Corvette is too much to ask for.

Are you kidding me with this?

I plucked you out
of a 4x4 hovel

above a blinking light
in Times Square.

and I put you in a 6x6 maid's quarters
on Park Avenue.

- and this is the thanks I get?!
- ( gasps )

Hey. you got something
out of this too. Missy.

Who read "Valley of the Dolls"
to your kids every night?

Who distracted Stan for you
on Oyster Tuesdays?

Me. It was me.

Now I want my 500.000 in 50s!
50s with Ben Franklin on 'em!

You know.
you should think very carefully

about what you're asking for.
Miss Gurley Brown.

You've got a good thing
going here.

and if you think that you can just
shamelessly siphon cash off a loved one

Iike I'm doing with my husband.
you've got another thing comin'!

I want my money.

You ain't getting 88 cents
from me. Rose.

Very well.
I will see you in court.

By the way. your boobs
look great today.

It's a custom-made Jean Claus. came in
from Paris yesterday. Get outta here!

And at that point. the arbitrator will hear
your side and Karen's side.

and then he'll render his decision.

But Jack. you've got to be
more reasonable in your demands.

I know it was
a little excessive.

but then just get me enough
for the essentials. okay?

Like food.
clothing and bikini waxes.

Well. that was good.
That way we all win.

( phone rings )

Hello. Alex. hi!

I'm so sorry about last night.
I couldn't get out--

Tomorrow brunch?
I will be there.

I will absolutely be there.
Okay, bye.

Jack.
he's straight and married.

Yeah. so I am.

- (jazz music playing )
- Oh. good. Grace is here.

I'm gonna go tell her
about Alex.

Oh. you gotta go tell
your wife about your boyfriend.

( Jack blows a raspberry )

Spooky.

What?

When you said that.
you looked just like a woman.

Gracie. good news--

oh. you're not Gracie.

And this is not good news.