Will & Grace (1998–…): Season 11, Episode 7 - What a Dump - full transcript

"Will & Grace" is recorded

in front of a live studio audience.

Hold the elevator, please.

No, don't, don't.

- Why?
- 'Cause it's James.

The guy you dated who found
out you slept with his son?

And his father.
Let it close, let it close.

Take your time. We'll hold.

Oh.

You suck.

Hi.



- Thanks.
- Sure.

Hello, Grace.

Hello, James.

- You're looking well.
- Thank you.

- You too.
- We're fine.

Come out from behind
the umbrella, please.

Hello.

You know, in fact,
why don't we get a fresh start?

Let's go out for a drink some time.

Really?

I'd like that.
And no one needs to hear from you.

Don't you think
you should tell him about the...

- I think it can wait.
- I don't think it can.

Okay, given our history and the fact



that I just heard all that,

I'd actually kind of like to have
all the information up front.

I'm pregnant, but the father
is not in the picture.

It's not someone in my family, is it?

He's gotta ask.

No, no, it's not your father
or your son...

- or you.
- Ah!

Good to know.

Well, look,
I don't have a problem with it

if you don't have a problem with it.

I don't have a problem with it.

Great.

I'll text you.

You're a pregnant woman

who slept with everyone in his family.

How are you getting more action than me?

I don't know what to tell you, Will.

When you got it, you got it.

Oh. No, wait.

Oh, my God. No, no, no, no!

You know what the best
thing about going on a date

with someone where you slept
with his father and his son?

You know if they're only
culturally Jewish?

There's nothing I can do that's worse.

I mean, if he's already forgiven me

for something that bad,

I can't get away with anything.

You should run for president.

Aren't you going out for dinner?

Yeah, but if I stuff my face
now with Mexican,

I can graze delicately on our date.

Like a lady.

♪ Jeepers creepers ♪

♪ I'm getting new peepers ♪

♪ Lasik surgery ♪

♪ Paid by my friend Will ♪

Did you buy that outfit
just for this bit?

No, the hat is from
a hip-hop barber shop quartet,

and the cane is so I can
trip people on roller blades.

You know, if you cut down
on these sorts of purchases,

you could pay
for the surgery by yourself.

Forget your milkshake,

practicality brings
all the boys to your yard.

It is a lot of money.

Well...

she's expensive, but she's worth it.

Plus, it's an investment.

Plus...

shut up.

Having to wear glasses
at auditions makes me look old.

It's obviously the reason
for the recent lull

- in my acting career.
- Mm.

I'm not sure you know what "lull" means.

I know what LOL means,

and I know I'm not doing it right now.

Oh, by the way, I opened a Venmo account

so you can pay
for the procedure tomorrow.

Your username is Big-boned Girl.

Yeah, check your phone.

I need to know the security
code they gave you.

4-2-9-7.

4-2-9-7. Got it.

♪ Thank you kindly ♪

♪ Now I won't see blindly ♪

♪ And the best part ♪

♪ I don't pay the bill ♪

So now you're paying
for his elective surgery?

I mean, you're basically his sugar daddy,

except you don't have sex,
and you're both old.

So I help him out a little.

Yeah, but are you really helping him?

It's not until you remove the net

that one can really walk
the high wire of life.

What supermodel's Instagram is that from?

Will you give me some credit?

Chrissy Teigen is also a judge
on reality television.

It's not... it's not that bad.

You know, I buy him
a few things here and there.

- Hello?
- Yes, hello.

This is Steve with credit
fraud early warning.

We need to verify some charges.

- Sure.
- We have a charge for $800

at the Lasik Eye Center.

- Yes, that's mine.
- Good, good, good.

There are three others.

$185 at Balloon Elegance,

$415 for a custom nude body suit,

and $830 for various items
at Submissive Male.

Spelled M-A-L-E, like men.

No, I got it, I got it, I got it.

I didn't personally
make any of those purchases.

Oh, no reason
to be embarrassed, Mr. Truman.

We all have our hobbies.

Mr. Truman, would you be willing

to take a brief survey
about customer satisfaction?

Would I?

Grace?

Uh, in the kitchen.

Morning.

Who wakes up looking this good?

I guess I do.

I like this.

I mean, you remember
how messy it was last time?

Yeah.

This feels clean.

That's me.

Naturally clean.

Listen, I gotta get going this morning,

but stay as long as you like,

and if you're here when I get home,

I'd be delighted.

Ooh.

Will, we have to move.

What? Why?

A terrible, terrible thing happened.

What, bad date?

No, it was great. Great night.

Great morning. Great everything.

All we did was talk and kiss
and he was such a gentleman

and it was so romantic.

So?

After James left this morning for work,

nature really started calling.

I mean, hard.

Like, I couldn't even make it
up one flight of stairs

to my own bathroom hard.

Anyway...

something terrible happened.

I'm... I'm not following.

There's a certain...

clogging situation.

You were dancing in wooden shoes?

Why are you making me spell it out?

Because it's hilarious.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. So okay...

two things, number one,
did you call a plumber?

Yes, I called, like, ten plumbers.

What's number two?

I think you know what number two is.

The soonest a plumber
can come is tonight.

What am I supposed to do?

Leave the country.

No, I am serious. Move to Canada.

Start all over.

Get a new identity, new face,

and here's a new name for you,
Alice Cleanfanny.

Would you please be serious?

I am being completely serious, Alice.

- Where are you going?
- Well, I gotta teach a class,

then I gotta pick up Jack
from Lasik surgery.

Guess you could say
I got a real load to carry.

Deuces.

You know, the best part
about this Lasik surgery

is, you get to experience
what it's like to be blind.

Thank you.

Brian.

Whoa, commando. I guess it's laundry day.

Hey, gorgeous.

What do you say
you ditch Helen Keller here,

and I'll show you
who the real miracle worker is.

Coco, you're married, remember?

I do, 'cause you mentioned me
in your vows.

Well, you just say the word,
and I'll "Gone Girl" him.

So, Jack, I-I'd like to talk
about something.

Yeah?

This is serious.

Yeah?

You know what Grace was saying

about me paying for everything?

Oh, my God, I was waiting
for you to bring that up.

What was she even talking about?

She seemed hysterical.

I'm not gonna be offensive and
say it's 'cause she's pregnant.

It's 'cause she's a woman, right?

Or does she have a point?

I mean, maybe my paying for
everything has held you back.

Counterpoint:

imagine what I could've done
with more money.

Do you ever feel like
I'm infantilizing you?

No, because I would never
let you touch me there.

What are you saying, woman?
Speak clearly.

I'm saying I've decided...

to cut you off.

Well, now I'm worried
I need Lasik for my ears.

Because it sounded like you said...

I'm not giving you money anymore.

What?

This is worse than you infantilizing me.

Oh, oh. You are crafty.

You have brought me to a public place

so I wouldn't make a scene.

I brought you to a drag bar.
I knew you'd make a scene.

I wanted you to blend in.

I'm doing this for your own good.

No, you're not.

You're doing this because
you're a selfish little man

with problem skin.

Are you getting mad at me?

I'm the one that should be pissed.

I give you money for everything.

My... my kid's college fund
went to a failed

adult bouncy castle business.

Jumping Jacks was ahead of its time.

The only misstep was
partnering with Cactus Carl.

Have you ever once considered
paying me back?

Have you considered thanking me?

What do I get out
of this friendship except

a barrage of insults
and a reputation among

certain call center employees
that I'm an insatiable bottom?

You want me to thank you, Will?

Is that what you want?
Okay, well, thank you, Will.

Thank you for putting a price
on our friendship.

- Jack.
- No, you've said enough.

Jack, but, but...

You have humiliated me in a public place,

and now I'm going to leave
this establishment

in a dignified manner.

Thank you so, so much for fitting me in.

Well, you said your life depended on it.

Well, my romantic life,
but you don't care about that.

You think because I'm a plumber,

I don't care about love?

Oh, no. No, of course not.

See, um, I kind of blew it
with this guy last year,

and now I have a second chance...

Turns out, I don't care that much.

Um, the bathroom is right back there.

It's pretty bad.

No worries, ma'am.

I've seen it all.

Mother of God!

Lady, you got a real situation
going on in there.

I think I just looked
into the devil's eyes.

There's no way this is a one-man job.

You need more help?

No, I mean there's no way

you could've done that alone.

But you could fix it, right?

I don't even know what it is.

I don't have the tools.

I'll call my friend at the zoo.

The zoo? It's not that bad.

Is that really for you to say?

I was just trying to be a lady.

Try harder.

I'll be back as soon as I can.

What am I supposed to do in the meantime?

I don't know. Leave the country?

I wish people
would stop making that joke.

What joke?

I am not a child.

You know what?

That's it. When I get home,

I am telling Will our friendship is over.

Wait.

Uh, I didn't really ask your opinion.

But you do make a point.

Maybe I should wait.

I'm being rash.

I'm Jack, by the way.

- Robert.
- Nice to meet you, Robert.

Maybe he's right, though.

Maybe... maybe I should pay my own way.

- Wait.
- Thank you, that's crazy.

What do you mean you can't help me?

You're my sister, Janet.

I helped you when your braces got stuck

on Brian Landman's zipper.

Yeah, I could've let Mom
find you like that,

and I didn't.

This is a crisis.

Did you see the picture I sent?

Yes, of course I lit some candles.

I lit a jillion candles,

so at least I know it smells like...

Smoke, smoke, smoke!

No! No, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, fire extinguisher.

Fire extinguisher.

Fire extinguisher.

Okay.

All right, baby.

We can do this. We can do this.

Oh, my God!

Oh.

Oh, God.

Oh, my God.

Grace, are you all right?

I-I'm fine. I'm fine.

What happened?

Um...

um...

you've been robbed!

Wait, when did this happen?

How am I supposed to know? I wasn't here.

I mean, I was, but then I left,
and then when I came back

to see if you were home,
the door was open.

All right, I'm calling the police.

No. I mean... do we trust them?

I mean, what if it's one
of them that did it?

Grace, my apartment got robbed.

It's not "The Departed," okay?

Why do I smell smoke and lavender?

The robber must've lit
scented candles to calm down.

Because crime is stressful.

I mean, I once stole

a king-size Almond Joy from a bodega,

and I was so stressed out afterwards,

I had to get a hot stone massage.

It's a real thing.

I'll make sure
to tell the cops your theory.

You say the door
was open when you got here?

That's what I said.

Oh, but you don't
have to write that down.

Oh, but I do.

Well, whoever did this
left plenty of DNA back there.

Boy, I hope you guys
catch this psychopath.

I mean, we don't know that she...

Or, much more statistically likely, he...

is a psychopath.

Will, I am so worried about Jack.

I came home to find nothing

except for this beautiful
bouquet of balloon elegance.

Are those filled with gold flake?

Yes. He spares no expense.

We had a fight at Ms. Coco's.

He should be home by now.

What happened? Why was he upset with you?

I-I told him I thought it was time

for him to grow up,
'cause he's almost 50,

so I-I'm cutting him off.

Will, 31 is not almost 50.

And who would want Jack to grow up?

Will, sit down. You know what?

In Spain, we have a story
of a boy who is like Jack

who never grew up, and he wears tights.

Yeah. It's "Peter Pan."

No.

In our version, this "forever boy"

fights with a pirate
who has a hook for a hand,

and his best friend
is a teeny, tiny fairy.

That's "Peter Pan."

No, no, Pedro escapes
to Nunca Nunca Land...

Right, that... so...

that means he escaped
to Never Never Land.

It's "Peter Pan."

You are wrong.

But that is not the point, okay?

The point is, Jack should never grow up.

He reminds all the people around him

how it feels to be young.

Can't argue with you there.

It's just like Pedro says,

"I won't grow up!" That's "Peter Pan."

Mi amor, you have returned.
How are your eyes?

My vision is perfect.

And I feel like I'm seeing
your beautiful face

for the very first time.

Oh, my God, Camilla!

I loved your hat at Harry's wedding.

What was that, pheasant?

- Jack, listen...
- No, no, no, no.

Just let me go first.

I realized something
when I was out there.

I...

I do need to grow up.

And I'm gonna start by paying you back

every penny you've ever given me.

I'll get some boring job in an office.

You know, we can eat
at the Cheesecake Factory.

And then see each other
at the fantasy football draft.

Oh, well...

I don't want you to grow up.

Your innocence, your love of life,

the fact that you still write
your name in your underwear,

that's what I get out of this friendship.

You can't put a price on that.

You know, listening to you just now,

it really sounds...

like you owe me money.

Jack, don't be greedy.

You know, in Spain, we have a story

of two very sugar-obsessed
children who go into the woods,

and they find a woman's house,
and then they eat it.

That's "Hansel and Gretel."

No, in our version,

the children eat a home
that is made of...

Yeah, gingerbread. It's "Hansel"...

I'm not doing this with you anymore.

Oh, uh, Will, one more thing.

How much do you need?

No, not that.

Thank you for...

everything.

Will, I'm gonna buy you the book.

It's written by a woman who
is a mother who is also a duck.

"Mother Goose." Get out of here.

Uh, may I speak with you a moment?

Just, uh, woman to woman.

Sure.

Um, I see that you
are not wearing a ring.

- Are you single?
- I am.

Yeah, so you know what
it's like out there dating.

You know the hoops that you jump through

in order to seem
better than you really are,

the things you hide
in order to seem like a lady.

Oh, no, honey.

See, I think that
that type of disingenuousness

is a bad foundation for a relationship.

Sure, sure.

But what if you spent
the night with a guy,

and in the morning, you did something

so unappealing...

that you went to extremes
to make it all go away?

I think I'm getting the picture.

I know that you have to "investigate,"

but maybe this just winds up

in the file stamped "unsolved."

You feel me?

I think I do.

Hey, Joe, we can wrap it up here.

Oh, God bless you.

See, there's no crime here.

This one took a brutal dump in the john.

The rest of this damage
is just part of her cover-up.

Let's go.

So...

this is kind of like
that lovely moment in "Evita"

when she asks,
"Where do we go from here?"

What?

We are not going anywhere.

There is no coming back from this.

You lied, you let me call the police,

you ruined my apartment!

Oh, but I-I can help
you with that last one,

because you know
I'm an interior designer.

You want me to hire you?

Naturally, I wouldn't charge full markup.

And I thought that sleeping
with my father and my son

was the worst thing that you could do.

I'm full of surprises.

Just stop, Grace.

I'll see myself out.

Um...

I think this... this is yours.

Oh, and this little...

yep.

Now you show up.