Will & Grace (1998–…): Season 11, Episode 6 - Performance Anxiety - full transcript

"Will & Grace" is shot
before a live studio audience.

Okay, so I got two
poached eggs for Grace,

one over easy for Jack,

and eggs Benedict for Karen,
sub vodka for bread,

and tomato juice for everything else.

Thanks for the bloody, Mary.

You're in a good mood.
Wonder why that is.

I know it's not from having sex
or stepping on a scale.

Oh, did Target release
a new dish scrubber?

[LAUGHING]

He literally just made you eggs.



I am in a good mood
'cause I finally found a woman

with a perfect uterus.

You're a dirty dog, Will.

I knew you'd find your way back.

It's got to be a real kick
in the balls for you, Red.

I'm talking, of course,
about a surrogate.

Her name's Jenny, she's been
through the process before,

and her lady apparatus
gets stellar reviews.

Apparatus?

Sounds like Jay Leno
built it in his garage.

So you have an egg donor,

but this other woman is gonna carry

your gay baby for nine months?

How much is making God cry
going to cost you?



It's not about the money.

She just loves
helping people become parents.

30 grand.

Why do women get all the best jobs?

Oh. I should go.

I still got to figure out

how I'm gonna get up
to Newburgh to meet her.

I can't even picture where that is.

You know, in my mind, it goes New York,

the Neiman's in White Plains,
then Canada.

Oh, that's a coinky-dink.

I'm going to the ballpark in Blattsville.

I go right through Newburgh.

Well, good luck
with whatever your thing is.

Karen, can I get a ride?

[GROANS] It's really
out of my way, but fine.

You can hold the steering wheel
while I flash truckers.

[UPBEAT TRUMPET AND PIANO MUSIC]

[GASPS] Look.

There's a reunion today
for anyone who played Annie

on Broadway or national tours.

What?

- Annie-Con is today?
- Yeah.

Does it say who the guest of honor is?

- I-I...
- Sarah Jessica Parker.

It's Sarah Jessica Parker!

Oh, but it's sold out. [GROANS]

Ugh. I wanted to play Annie
so badly when I was a kid.

My mom directed a production

in the Schenectady Women's Center,

and she cast herself as Mommy Warbucks.

I sang my little heart out.

And my own mother
said I wasn't Annie material.

You can get me into Annie-Con.

How?

You could've played Annie 40...

Careful.

Several years ago.

- [KNOCKING AT DOOR]
- One sec.

Before I open this door, you
should know I have a knife...

and a dog.

And the dog has a knife, too.

Uh, it's Will. Will Truman.

I feel weird 'cause I don't have a knife.

Hey, sorry about the knife thing.

It's kind of how we say hello
in this neighborhood.

Well, and good-bye.

You must be Jenny. Wow.

You, me, this is...

this is us.

Yeah.

It's a big thing.
We're gonna make a person.

[CHUCKLES]

Excuse the mess.

I hope you're not one of those gay guys

that needs everything to be neat.

What, me? No.

Uh, I know I'm... I know I'm early.

I got a ride with an insane
person who thinks

that stoplights are only for the 99%.

The taxes I refuse to pay
built those highways.

Hi. Jenny.

Well, hello, Hi-Jenny.

I'm Hi-Karen.

Oh, I like this one.

Just a minute.
I have to finish up a work thing.

Well, she does have a nice uterus.

What are you doing here?

I had to tinkle.

Well, you couldn't do it somewhere else?

I usually go in the car
and hand it to driver,

but he just joined a union,

and now he's technically a person.

Oh, God.

Oh, no, no.

Maybe just one.
Eenie, meenie, miney, filthy.

Okay, guys, I'm signing off.

Mike, we already talked about this.

I don't like that aggressive crap.

Guys, you know the rules.

If you don't play nice, you're gone.

[COMPUTER CHIMES]

Thanks for the tip, Feenster.

What is this? Is this a porn site?

No, it's not porn. I'm a cam girl.

Guys pay me a little to flirt,
show some skin.

"He looks super gay." Who?

Guess what, DongerDoyle. I am super gay.

Weird flex, but okay.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Oh, my ginger.

Think how much skin cancer there is

in this room right now.

Okay, okay, go up to that table

and grab an unclaimed name tag,
all right?

And I'll scan the crowd for... Sarah!

Oh, it was just a ladder.

Welcome to Annie-Con. I'm Pam Muntz.

I did two tours as stage
manager in '03 and '09,

plus three months
of transitional protocol

in the South Korean Theater in '98.

Thank you for your service.

I'm just gonna grab my name tag.

- You're Ramona Delaney?
- Mm-hmm.

You're a legend.

I can't believe you showed.

Thank you.

It's always nice to meet the fans.

We are in, and apparently, I'm a legend.

Oh, crap. Jerry Sussman is here.

He used to be a catty
audition accompanist,

then he made it big, and now
he's a big, huge pianist.

Uh, what was that?

A big, huge pianist.

I just heard that. That's amazing.

But he's the worst.

Hello, Jack.

Hello, Jerry. Nancy meeting you here.

That fell a little flat.

Just like the G you tried
to hit in "Corner of the Sky"

at that non-equity "Rent" audition.

You were, like, "G, what if
this were an F-sharp?"

Oh, my God. Ramona Delaney.

Uh, yes, it is. That's... that's me.

I've been obsessed with you
since forever.

You were born to play Annie.

Thank you, thank you.

I always thought the same.

My mother said I wasn't Annie material,

but I guess she was wrong.

So wrong.

Like when Jack tries to sing.

Beat it, Jerry.

Obsessed.

I thought that pianist
would never get out of my face.

Never said that sentence before.

This is so amazing.

It's like I get to experience
all the joys of living my dream

with none of the bad parts.

Ramona? Ramona Delaney?

Is that really you?

It is. Would you like a picture?

I've wanted to do that for 36 years.

♪ ♪

Okay, Will, I drained the main vein.

I'll be in the car.

Good Lord, is this the Port Authority?

Yeah, you just missed the
Greyhound in the living room.

Who are you?

Karen Walker.

I drove my sissy friend
here to meet a surrogate.

Oh, don't tell him I called him a friend.

The surrogate's my sister.

I see.

And you're faking a disability
so that you can cash

a government check to buy cigarettes?

Shrapnel from an IED

destroyed my C7 vertebra
in Iraq three years ago.

Well, then you must've been on vacation

because we liberated Iraq in 2003.

Mission accomplished.

Those must've been tourists
who were shooting at me.

Huh.

Okay, go for it.

I know you want to call me a brave hero

with tears in your eyes.

Honey, I'm the brave one.

I just flushed a toilet myself
for the first time in 20 years.

Do a lot of people do that?

I'm inspiration porn.

[CHUCKLES]

You're dry and bitter.

Two things I like in a drink and a man.

Hey, can you help me get some pills?

What kind of woman do I look like?

The kind who goes to international waters

for a doctor's appointment.

I meant my pills.
They rolled under the bed.

Are you sure?

I've got some black beauties,
some green beans,

and a half a bottle
of California turnarounds.

What's a California turnaround?

You take one,
you can drive to California,

turn around, and drive back
without sleeping.

Those are a little Dark Web for me.

Maybe just help me find the ones

I actually have a prescription for.

Well, if we're talking Dark Web,

I've got one called the grassy knoll.

It hits you in the head twice
from two directions.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

Look, you're making way
too big of a deal about this.

Guys literally get on for 20 minutes,

we chat, they hop off.

Right, so they get on and get off.

This wasn't on your profile.

So any other things
that I should know about you?

Yeah, I mean, I make my own root beer.

I once killed a drifter

to watch the life drain from his eyes.

That's a joke.

- Both parts.
- Okay, okay.

Look, it's no big deal.

It pays the bills until
somebody puts a baby in me.

[COMPUTER CHIMES]

- Not what she meant.
- Oh, not like that.

Um...

I'm not saying this
in a... in a judgmental way...

despite the tone I hear in my voice

and the face I'm trying not to make.

Um...

are you gonna be doing this
while you're carrying my child?

Look, I don't smoke. I don't drink.

I don't do drugs.

Nothing harmful goes into my body,

and perfect babies comes out.

I'm like a machine... but with emotions.

So, like, machines in two years.

You've done surrogacy before. I haven't.

Um, I really want to trust you,
but, you know,

now that I've seen behind the curtain,

literally, I, um...

I just... I just...

I got some things to think about.

We're cool.

Nobody gets that this is a big
decision more than I do.

Thanks. Thank you.

Plus, your timing's perfect

'cause my pimp's gonna be here
any minute,

and he really doesn't like white guys.

Joking.

- Both parts.
- Both part, okay.

Okay, okay, so I asked around,

and the woman who threw
the drink in your face

is Molly McGann,

and "you," Ramona Delaney,
were her understudy.

During previews,

"you" gave her a bottle of water

spiked with tabasco sauce,

so she lost her voice during "Tomorrow,"

- and "you" replaced her.
- Oh.

That is terrible.

But I was better, right?

Okay, listen up, Annies.

Apparently Sarah Jessica Parker
is running late

because she did not believe
this was a real thing.

So we're gonna need someone
else to sing "Tomorrow."

Hello.

Obviously it should be a sing-off

between Ramona and Molly.

I'll do it. What do you say, Ramona?

Are you scared for a fair fight?

Molly, what I did to you was so awful,

but I was a different person
back then, literally.

You sing that song for the fans.

You deserve it.

It figures you would back down.

You were never Annie material anyway.

What the freckle did you just say to me?

♪ ♪

How many of these do you take?

- Two.
- And how many do you want?

Two.

Really?

Okay.

Are you looking down my dress?

No.

How about now?

Wow. Congrats.

Oh, thanks.

I just had them balanced and rotated.

So it's just you
and your sister squatting here?

No girlfriend?

Is there a Mrs. Wheelchair?

I was engaged before my deployment,

but, you know, things change.

People grow apart.

One of you suffers
a catastrophic spinal injury.

Has there been anyone else?
You getting any?

Oh, yeah. I'm rolling in it.

Hmm.

You're funny.

You should do stand-up.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Well...

But I get it.

Ever since my divorce,

there hasn't been too much action

on my southern front either.

I find that hard to believe.

I'd say something about taking
cover in the bush here...

but you seem like a lady.

You're a terrible judge of character.

Don't worry about me. I did my share.

And maybe sex isn't that important.

You know, I promised myself

and my parole officer
that I would never slap

another man in a wheelchair.

There are two things that
are important in this life...

sex and money.

And if you don't have one,

you sure as hell better have the other.

Well, I guess I better pray
to win the lottery.

I think you're about to.

As I said to Judith Lard
at the Tenth Street Baths...

It's about to get a lot hotter in here.

Grace, you can't beat
Molly McGann in a sing-off.

She's a Broadway star.

She played Tracy Turnblad

and Eponine on an Alaskan cruise.

Jack, I can do this.

I am as good as...

as any of those washed-up,
old cruise ship Annies.

How about having a little faith in me?

I absolutely have faith in you.

Let's try it one more time.
Last eight bars.

♪ You're always a day ♪

♪ Away! ♪

Hey, you want this extra water?

- Yeah.
- Don't drink it.

Why?

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

You think I went to
the trouble of putting tabasco

in a sealed bottle of water

and then re-sealed it
just to sabotage you?

Here, you want the one
I already drank half of?

Knock yourself out.

I guess we were a little silly.

I mean, it was an unopened bottle.

No, Grace, we were very, very smart.

[COUGHS]

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

Sure, Jenny's life choices
are a little questionable,

but, you know, maybe the surrogacy fee

will help lift her out
of where she is now.

When did you start wearing a flag pin?

I want to show I support the troops.

Their full body weight, if necessary.

In a position I may have just invented.

I don't know what that means, but...

you know, the more I think about it,

the more I think
I should give this to her.

You know, maybe by helping me
bring a life into this world,

she'll also be saving her own.

Who else can do that for her?
DongerDoyle?

[LAUGHING] I don't think so.

[CELL PHONE VIBRATES]

It's her.

Uh...

"Not feeling it. Sorry.

I'm gonna pass. Good luck."

She's passing on me?

Well, of course, she is. You're a snob.

Oh, that's rich coming from you.

Honey, everything's rich coming from me.

I am not a snob.

Her life choices are questionable.

You're going to lift her
out of where she is right now.

Please.

You were looking at her

like she was wearing
one of Grace's outfits.

What do you want me to say?

I mean, s-s-she's getting paid
to show strange men her body.

And you want her to stick to getting paid

to let strange men
put babies in her body.

This is... that is complete...

Since when...

do you make so much sense?

Look, I understand.

You see someone living in that apartment,

and you think,
"Life gave them a raw deal."

But when you let yourself
see the whole picture,

really roll a mile in their wheelchair...

- They can surprise you...
- Hmm.

Like, a big surprise.

Way bigger than you had expected.

So big that it's difficult
to take it all in

but in a really good way.

You know what I'm saying?

I think you're saying

I should check
my assumptions about Jenny...

and that also maybe you had sex

with a well-endowed disabled person?

Bingo and bango.

♪ I love you tomorrow ♪

♪ You're only a day ♪

♪ Away! ♪

♪ ♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Jack, I did it! That was all me.

I am Annie material.

I'm never gonna come down from this high.

There you are.

I'm Ramona Delaney.

That was for pretending to be me.

Is the theater world
always this dramatic?

Yes.

Yes, it is.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

Hi.

Hey.

I judged how you use your body

while I was asking
if I could use it, too.

Okay.

I thought I was just choosing you.

It didn't even occur to me that
you have to choose me, too.

Okay.

I'm a middle-age gay man
who's trying to have a baby

on his own, and it scares
the crap out of me,

and I need someone like you
who's been through this before,

'cause I don't know
what the hell I'm doing.

Okay.

Really? Like, okay, okay?

Well, it took a lot for you
to come all the way back here

and say all of that, so, yeah.

I want to help you become a father.

Thank you, Jenny.

- Can I hug you?
- Got to tip big for the hug.

Of course. [STAMMERS]

- Joking, joking, joking.
- Joking. You're joking.

You're joking. Okay.

[LAUGHS] What...
What does this make us now?

Friends? Family?

Co-founders of a startup? I can't...

It makes us two people

about to do something
really incredible together.

Yeah.

Well, three if you count
the cleaning lady

that starts on Monday.

That's my nonjudgmental gift to you.

I think that's more of a gift to you.

Fair enough.