Will & Grace (1998–…): Season 11, Episode 5 - The Grief Panda - full transcript
In the aftermath of Will and McCoy breaking up, Grace and Jack hire the Grief Panda to help Will process his pain; with Karen completely occupied with her baseball team, Grace believes that she has to fire Karen in order to set her free.
Will and Grace is shot
before a live studio audience.
Grace, I need breakfast.
I'm only eating fruits,
vegetables, and unleavened
bread for 21 days.
Is that the Bible diet?
Yes, it's what God and Chris Pratt eat.
Jack, I'm worried about Will.
He still has the TV room
set up as McCoy's office
and they broke up like three weeks ago.
It's so sad.
Will he ever find love again?
I mean, I don't think so,
but it's not up to me.
Hey, guys.
You know the best thing
about quitting Equinox?
I found an even gayer gym.
Yeah, every shower stall
has its own selfie station.
Look at you, soldiering on.
Sweetie, isn't it time for you to get rid
of some of McCoy's things?
Like, maybe, this picture of you guys?
What? No, I love that one.
McCoy had a really bad cold,
so I'm almost as cute as him.
Every other picture we're Kevin James
and any woman that ever played his wife.
We're worried that you're not
dealing with the breakup.
Guys, I appreciate your concern,
but I'm in a good place.
I'm gonna be a father.
How cool is that?
It's amazing and we're
so happy for you, but...
What's up, lady?
You're eating better,
you're going to the gym...
I mean, it's not working,
but the effort is concerning.
I'm taking care of myself.
Just 'cause I'm gonna be a dad
doesn't mean I wanna have a dad bod.
[CHUCKLES]
He thought that was funny.
It's tragic.
He was laughing on the inside,
but all I heard was, "Help."
But I may have an idea how to help Will.
Ryan Gosling is not
gonna send you his gym shorts,
no matter how many letters you write him.
Will needs the Grief Panda.
- What?
- He's amazing, Grace.
"Amazing Grace."
Biblical pun! Shablam-aleujah.
The Grief Panda is a healer
who comes to your house
dressed as a panda,
and without using any words,
makes all your sad go away.
[GASPS] Oh, yeah,
I read about the Grief Panda
in "The New Yorker."
Grace.
Okay, a girlfriend of mine
read about it in "The New Yorker."
This story's falling apart. Girlfriend?
Okay, I sat next to a woman
at the nail salon who was
reading about the Grief Panda
in "The New Yorker."
And by nail salon, you mean...
A Krispy Kreme.
[UPBEAT TRUMPET AND PIANO MUSIC]
As the owner of The
Blattsville Millstones,
the third-best minor league baseball team
in the entire Finger Lakes region,
I feel I need more visibility,
so I'd like to introduce
the Karen Walker bobblehead.
But instead of the head bobbling,
the boobs will bobble.
A booble-head, if you will.
[LAUGHING]
Honey, what the hell is that?
I laughed, I'm sorry.
It's one of the few things my body does
that I don't feel shame about.
Maybe you should.
- Hi, Amy.
- Oh, I'm called Friday now.
My name and my laughter
have been taken away from me.
Wow...
Karen, I can't wait to show you this...
what Will and I just bought.
I know it's a little early,
but, look what we got.
Honey, props for optimism,
but that is never going to fit you.
It's not for me.
Will and I bought it for the...
Oh, that reminds me.
Would you tell the shortstop
that I'm tired of looking
at his butt crack?
Got it. Yeah.
Okay, I'm sorry. Where were we, honey?
I was just showing you the jacket that
Will and I bought for the b...
Oh, that reminds me.
There is a nest full of yellow
jackets in the home dugout.
I need it moved to the visitor dugout.
Karen, will you stop cutting me off?
Was I doing that?
Oh, that's so rude of me.
Honey, please continue.
- Will and I...
- Yeah?
- Bought this jacket...
- Okay.
- For my ba...
- Oh, that reminds me.
Huh... oh, false alarm. I got nothing.
♪ ♪
Oh, there's our boy.
Grace, he hasn't been a boy
since he was a little girl.
Sweetie, we have something to tell you.
What is it, Mom?
Are you guys getting a divorce
'cause Dad's a massive queen?
Why's my stuff out here?
Um, it's McCoy's stuff.
We're getting rid of it.
- No, you're not.
- We have to.
I can't bear to see you falling asleep
in your wedding dress
with the tag still on it.
We've invited someone over
to help you get in touch
with your pain and move through it.
What, like a therapist?
- Seriously?
- [KNOCKING]
We promise it will all become clear.
Still got a couple questions.
Will, this is the Grief Panda.
He's gonna help you let go.
The Grief Panda, huh?
Do you wear a small
Japanese girl as a backpack?
Forgive him, Grief Panda. He's hurting.
Just keep an open mind. You need this.
You are holding on
to all of McCoy's things.
It's not healthy.
The Grief Panda takes all
the things that remind you
of McCoy and he buries them and your pain
in a community garden on Second Street.
Right by the Forever 21. Very spiritual.
Look, I appreciate alternative...
costume-based healing
as much as the next guy,
but this is just not my kind of thing.
"That's exactly why you need me."
Cute card. Could apply to anybody.
"Is it healthy to wear his old T-shirts
and cry yourself to sleep?"
Again, could apply to anybody.
Just try it. He's helped so many people.
They did a whole thing
on him in "The New Yorker."
Yeah? Where'd you hear about him?
I read.
What does it say?
It's a picture
of a Krispy Kreme doughnut.
[MOUTHING WORDS]
Even if I did need help
letting go of McCoy,
which I don't, I'm not gonna
get it from Ling-Ling here.
The Grief Panda thinks that's racist.
How is it racist?
There was a famous panda named Ling-Ling.
So all pandas are Ling-Lings to you?
I suppose...
I suppose you think
they're all bad drivers, too.
This is ridiculous.
So I'm just supposed to hand you stuff?
All right, all right.
Here, McCoy used this once.
Please take it away, so I can feel free.
I guess I don't need this.
I gave it to McCoy.
"Coffee is my spirit animal."
It's true. He loved coffee.
Look, there's a line that says,
"Don't talk to me until here."
[CHUCKLES]
It's funny, right?
- He doesn't think that's funny.
- I got that.
Hmm... sea glass.
We got it on the beach at Coney Island.
Were you guys collecting?
No, we were making out
and an old lady threw it at us.
Made us laugh, you know,
if you don't think too hard about it.
- I can't...
- I know, sweetie, I know.
You think you look almost
as good as McCoy in that.
But you don't.
You really don't.
It's still Hugh Jackman
and his Uber driver.
It's not that. It's just...
you know, when we took this,
he was feeling so lousy
and when he had a cold or something,
he'd get so helpless,
and I remember looking at him
thinking, "I just wanna
take care of you forever."
Oh, Will.
So that's it. What, I'm just supposed
to let it go, the whole future
I was gonna have with him?
- I know it's not fair.
- It's not.
What if that was it?
What if I never meet anyone again?
People are saying you won't.
But what do they know, huh?
Here.
I guess I have been holding onto stuff.
Maybe this was exactly what you needed.
It's funny, you know,
I'm so not the guy that...
that buys into this kind of thing
and when you think about it,
it really makes a lot of sense.
[YELLS] What the hell?
Oh, now you have to fight him.
What?! Why?
"To complete the ritual, you must wrestle
the Grief Panda to vanquish your pain."
Yeah, that's not gonna happen.
I'm not gonna...
[SHOUTS] Please don't.
I... I said don't!
That's it! [GRUNTING]
♪ ♪
Thank you for helping my friend.
Hey, um, since we paid for the whole hour
and there's still a few minutes left...
I, too, have had a devastating loss.
The premature closing of my one-man show,
"Gaybraham Twinkin'."
Which "The Village Voice" said was,
"The second time
Lincoln died in a theater."
I... I wouldn't mind
finding a little closure.
"I saw it."
You did?
What did you think?
"I couldn't believe
someone actually wrote that."
But I did.
[LIGHT MUSIC]
Ugh, I'm covered in panda hair.
Fun night, huh?
But good luck getting
a second date with a panda.
Eats, shoots, and leaves, am I right?
[LAUGHS]
Oh, Kar, uh, will you
remind me at some point
this week to talk to Will
about shopping for a crib?
Well, good for you, honey.
You've been living
with that gay guy forever,
and he's never even given you a makeover.
I meant buying cribs for our babies.
Will you just remind me?
Oh, I'm sorry, honey, I can't.
Too busy.
You're too busy to briefly remind me
to get a crib for my baby
at some unspecified day in the future?
Well, I have a baby, too,
Grace and his name is baseball.
We call him "B-ball" for short.
"B-ball" is usually
short for "basketball."
Until today.
She's amazing.
What the hell is going on with her?
Don't take that one personally.
She's hard on the outside,
but inside Ms. Walker is filled
with candy and glitter,
like a unicorn's colon.
No, inside she's just
booze and loose pills.
This happens to everyone in Blattsville.
You lose someone to their
love of the Millstones.
That or the wicked turn on Route 81...
or Oxy, or all three
in the case of my sister,
or should I say "mother,"
now that the truth is out?
Okay, look, I know
she's excited about her team,
but why does it seem
like she's mad at me about it?
I mean, it's like she doesn't
even wanna be here anymore.
[GASPS]
Oh, my God. I know what this is.
You're in love with her.
I get it, we're all
a little in love with her.
Karen is finally
passionate about something
and she's too afraid to tell me
because she doesn't wanna hurt me.
I can't believe this.
Karen wants to leave.
- That is so...
- Hard?
Insightful of me.
I have to let her go.
After 20 years, it's time for me to say
good-bye so that she can move on.
- That is so...
- Hard?
Selfless of me.
[CRYING]
I'm gonna be such a good mom.
What? Jack, what do you want to show me
and why do you have binoculars?
Please tell me you're not
gonna help me spot
the Rebound Raccoon.
No, silly. Don't you remember
we used to use these
to check out hot guys
sunning themselves on their roof decks?
Wanna go first? Go ahead.
Yeah. Over there you'll see
the rare and beautiful
red-bottomed nut-pecker.
Oh, sure.
Thanks, Jack.
I mean, the Grief Panda was...
was weird and I didn't love
that he marked my couch, but...
I get why people like him.
- He was cute, too, right?
- Mm-hmm.
If I weren't married,
I could've had myself
a little Panda Express.
Just as well you
didn't hook up with the panda.
Imagine your kids?
They'd have big heads
and round tummies and...
whatever they'd get from him.
See, this is good.
Scoping out guys again,
commenting on their behinds.
It's like McCoy never happened.
Yeah...
But he did happen.
Yeah, but then we put it in
a bag and made it go away,
like one of Bryan Singer's assistants.
But why? I mean, last year
was one of the happiest years of my life.
I loved McCoy.
Why would I wanna forget about that?
I mean, there's a difference
between moving on
and then rewriting history.
Where are you going?
The community garden on Second Street.
♪ Buy me some pinot and crack and Jack ♪
♪ I don't care if it's laced
with bad smack ♪
Gosh, baseball really
glorifies substance abuse.
I guess that's why I like it. [GIGGLES]
[GASPS] Les fleurs.
- Where'd these come from?
- I got them for you.
Am I dead?
Can we talk?
I feel like there's something
that you've been afraid to tell me.
There is.
Hillary won Pennsylvania.
There are 50,000 votes at the
bottom of the Allegheny River.
That's... that's gonna
need its own lunch.
Listen, Kar, will you sit down?
I love how passionate
you are about your team.
I haven't seen you this excited
since the Grey Goose truck
crashed into that olive cart.
If it had been raining vermouth,
I would've believed in God.
I want you to follow your dream,
which is why I've decided...
I'm letting you go.
You're letting me go?
I don't wanna get
in your way, little bird.
It's your time to fly...
and I wanna be the wind
beneath your wings.
I promised myself I
wouldn't make myself cry again.
Look, you don't have
to thank me or give me a gift,
although that's always nice.
My satisfaction
is knowing that you're happy
and that you're happy because of me.
Hmm.
Sure, we're both feeling
a lot of emotions right now.
If you wanna talk?
Nope, I'm good.
See you, Grace.
Well, goodbyes are hard.
How dare you fire me.
What do you mean? I freed you.
No, you have pushed me away.
Ever since you got knocked up it's been,
"Will and I are going baby shopping.
"Will and I are getting an ultrasound.
Will and I are trying for a second."
Wait, wait.
Is that why you've been acting so weird?
Yes, because you have done
everything you possibly could
to keep me out of this baby's life.
I thought you were
too busy because of your team.
Oh, like I can't
handle two things at once.
Well usually you can't handle
one thing at once.
And you don't like kids.
You call them Pez dispensers
for stem cells.
Did you ever think
that maybe, oh, I don't know...
I would like your kid?
Why? Because then you'd be able
to make fun of its hair and its clothes?
Yes.
Because I would love it, just like I love
its ridiculously dressed,
frizzy-haired mother,
who clearly doesn't love me
nearly as much as I love her.
Are you high?
Er?
I was willing to sacrifice
my needs for your happiness.
Obviously I love you more.
Oh, save it.
You saw a chance to wash your
hands of me and you took it.
Even though you hate washing your hands.
Okay.
Okay, you wanna know how much I love you?
What if I asked you
to be my baby's godmother?
You wouldn't dare.
Oh, daren't I?
Okay, Grace Adler,
if you've got the balls
to ask me to be your child's godmother,
after all of this...
Then that would mean the world to me.
Really?
Really.
Honey, our baby's gonna want for noting.
- I love you, Kar.
- I love you, too.
And I'm sorry I made you feel left out.
And I'm sorry that I've been
taking all of the baby's stuff
that's been delivered here and...
throwing it in the trash.
What?
Yeah, I threw it all in the trash.
Wow, you're really here.
Way to commit to a bit.
Could you take off
your head so we can talk?
Of course, you're a real panda.
Um...
I'd like the picture
of me and my ex back.
Look, I... I just need this
one thing to remind me of him.
Yes, it's painful
and God, I hope that one day
I can look at that picture without it...
killing me a little bit, but, um...
I'm gonna be a dad and, uh...
maybe that wouldn't have happened
if I hadn't met him, you know?
Maybe... he's what got me here.
Yep, still does it.
Thank you.
Oh, that's not my boyfriend.
He's very cute, but...
"He's single. Number's on the back."
Who is this?
"Client in Brooklyn Heights.
Husband left him for a figurative bear."
I don't know, I don't think I'm ready.
"You sure? They call him Beer Can Randy."
How do you print such specific cards?!
before a live studio audience.
Grace, I need breakfast.
I'm only eating fruits,
vegetables, and unleavened
bread for 21 days.
Is that the Bible diet?
Yes, it's what God and Chris Pratt eat.
Jack, I'm worried about Will.
He still has the TV room
set up as McCoy's office
and they broke up like three weeks ago.
It's so sad.
Will he ever find love again?
I mean, I don't think so,
but it's not up to me.
Hey, guys.
You know the best thing
about quitting Equinox?
I found an even gayer gym.
Yeah, every shower stall
has its own selfie station.
Look at you, soldiering on.
Sweetie, isn't it time for you to get rid
of some of McCoy's things?
Like, maybe, this picture of you guys?
What? No, I love that one.
McCoy had a really bad cold,
so I'm almost as cute as him.
Every other picture we're Kevin James
and any woman that ever played his wife.
We're worried that you're not
dealing with the breakup.
Guys, I appreciate your concern,
but I'm in a good place.
I'm gonna be a father.
How cool is that?
It's amazing and we're
so happy for you, but...
What's up, lady?
You're eating better,
you're going to the gym...
I mean, it's not working,
but the effort is concerning.
I'm taking care of myself.
Just 'cause I'm gonna be a dad
doesn't mean I wanna have a dad bod.
[CHUCKLES]
He thought that was funny.
It's tragic.
He was laughing on the inside,
but all I heard was, "Help."
But I may have an idea how to help Will.
Ryan Gosling is not
gonna send you his gym shorts,
no matter how many letters you write him.
Will needs the Grief Panda.
- What?
- He's amazing, Grace.
"Amazing Grace."
Biblical pun! Shablam-aleujah.
The Grief Panda is a healer
who comes to your house
dressed as a panda,
and without using any words,
makes all your sad go away.
[GASPS] Oh, yeah,
I read about the Grief Panda
in "The New Yorker."
Grace.
Okay, a girlfriend of mine
read about it in "The New Yorker."
This story's falling apart. Girlfriend?
Okay, I sat next to a woman
at the nail salon who was
reading about the Grief Panda
in "The New Yorker."
And by nail salon, you mean...
A Krispy Kreme.
[UPBEAT TRUMPET AND PIANO MUSIC]
As the owner of The
Blattsville Millstones,
the third-best minor league baseball team
in the entire Finger Lakes region,
I feel I need more visibility,
so I'd like to introduce
the Karen Walker bobblehead.
But instead of the head bobbling,
the boobs will bobble.
A booble-head, if you will.
[LAUGHING]
Honey, what the hell is that?
I laughed, I'm sorry.
It's one of the few things my body does
that I don't feel shame about.
Maybe you should.
- Hi, Amy.
- Oh, I'm called Friday now.
My name and my laughter
have been taken away from me.
Wow...
Karen, I can't wait to show you this...
what Will and I just bought.
I know it's a little early,
but, look what we got.
Honey, props for optimism,
but that is never going to fit you.
It's not for me.
Will and I bought it for the...
Oh, that reminds me.
Would you tell the shortstop
that I'm tired of looking
at his butt crack?
Got it. Yeah.
Okay, I'm sorry. Where were we, honey?
I was just showing you the jacket that
Will and I bought for the b...
Oh, that reminds me.
There is a nest full of yellow
jackets in the home dugout.
I need it moved to the visitor dugout.
Karen, will you stop cutting me off?
Was I doing that?
Oh, that's so rude of me.
Honey, please continue.
- Will and I...
- Yeah?
- Bought this jacket...
- Okay.
- For my ba...
- Oh, that reminds me.
Huh... oh, false alarm. I got nothing.
♪ ♪
Oh, there's our boy.
Grace, he hasn't been a boy
since he was a little girl.
Sweetie, we have something to tell you.
What is it, Mom?
Are you guys getting a divorce
'cause Dad's a massive queen?
Why's my stuff out here?
Um, it's McCoy's stuff.
We're getting rid of it.
- No, you're not.
- We have to.
I can't bear to see you falling asleep
in your wedding dress
with the tag still on it.
We've invited someone over
to help you get in touch
with your pain and move through it.
What, like a therapist?
- Seriously?
- [KNOCKING]
We promise it will all become clear.
Still got a couple questions.
Will, this is the Grief Panda.
He's gonna help you let go.
The Grief Panda, huh?
Do you wear a small
Japanese girl as a backpack?
Forgive him, Grief Panda. He's hurting.
Just keep an open mind. You need this.
You are holding on
to all of McCoy's things.
It's not healthy.
The Grief Panda takes all
the things that remind you
of McCoy and he buries them and your pain
in a community garden on Second Street.
Right by the Forever 21. Very spiritual.
Look, I appreciate alternative...
costume-based healing
as much as the next guy,
but this is just not my kind of thing.
"That's exactly why you need me."
Cute card. Could apply to anybody.
"Is it healthy to wear his old T-shirts
and cry yourself to sleep?"
Again, could apply to anybody.
Just try it. He's helped so many people.
They did a whole thing
on him in "The New Yorker."
Yeah? Where'd you hear about him?
I read.
What does it say?
It's a picture
of a Krispy Kreme doughnut.
[MOUTHING WORDS]
Even if I did need help
letting go of McCoy,
which I don't, I'm not gonna
get it from Ling-Ling here.
The Grief Panda thinks that's racist.
How is it racist?
There was a famous panda named Ling-Ling.
So all pandas are Ling-Lings to you?
I suppose...
I suppose you think
they're all bad drivers, too.
This is ridiculous.
So I'm just supposed to hand you stuff?
All right, all right.
Here, McCoy used this once.
Please take it away, so I can feel free.
I guess I don't need this.
I gave it to McCoy.
"Coffee is my spirit animal."
It's true. He loved coffee.
Look, there's a line that says,
"Don't talk to me until here."
[CHUCKLES]
It's funny, right?
- He doesn't think that's funny.
- I got that.
Hmm... sea glass.
We got it on the beach at Coney Island.
Were you guys collecting?
No, we were making out
and an old lady threw it at us.
Made us laugh, you know,
if you don't think too hard about it.
- I can't...
- I know, sweetie, I know.
You think you look almost
as good as McCoy in that.
But you don't.
You really don't.
It's still Hugh Jackman
and his Uber driver.
It's not that. It's just...
you know, when we took this,
he was feeling so lousy
and when he had a cold or something,
he'd get so helpless,
and I remember looking at him
thinking, "I just wanna
take care of you forever."
Oh, Will.
So that's it. What, I'm just supposed
to let it go, the whole future
I was gonna have with him?
- I know it's not fair.
- It's not.
What if that was it?
What if I never meet anyone again?
People are saying you won't.
But what do they know, huh?
Here.
I guess I have been holding onto stuff.
Maybe this was exactly what you needed.
It's funny, you know,
I'm so not the guy that...
that buys into this kind of thing
and when you think about it,
it really makes a lot of sense.
[YELLS] What the hell?
Oh, now you have to fight him.
What?! Why?
"To complete the ritual, you must wrestle
the Grief Panda to vanquish your pain."
Yeah, that's not gonna happen.
I'm not gonna...
[SHOUTS] Please don't.
I... I said don't!
That's it! [GRUNTING]
♪ ♪
Thank you for helping my friend.
Hey, um, since we paid for the whole hour
and there's still a few minutes left...
I, too, have had a devastating loss.
The premature closing of my one-man show,
"Gaybraham Twinkin'."
Which "The Village Voice" said was,
"The second time
Lincoln died in a theater."
I... I wouldn't mind
finding a little closure.
"I saw it."
You did?
What did you think?
"I couldn't believe
someone actually wrote that."
But I did.
[LIGHT MUSIC]
Ugh, I'm covered in panda hair.
Fun night, huh?
But good luck getting
a second date with a panda.
Eats, shoots, and leaves, am I right?
[LAUGHS]
Oh, Kar, uh, will you
remind me at some point
this week to talk to Will
about shopping for a crib?
Well, good for you, honey.
You've been living
with that gay guy forever,
and he's never even given you a makeover.
I meant buying cribs for our babies.
Will you just remind me?
Oh, I'm sorry, honey, I can't.
Too busy.
You're too busy to briefly remind me
to get a crib for my baby
at some unspecified day in the future?
Well, I have a baby, too,
Grace and his name is baseball.
We call him "B-ball" for short.
"B-ball" is usually
short for "basketball."
Until today.
She's amazing.
What the hell is going on with her?
Don't take that one personally.
She's hard on the outside,
but inside Ms. Walker is filled
with candy and glitter,
like a unicorn's colon.
No, inside she's just
booze and loose pills.
This happens to everyone in Blattsville.
You lose someone to their
love of the Millstones.
That or the wicked turn on Route 81...
or Oxy, or all three
in the case of my sister,
or should I say "mother,"
now that the truth is out?
Okay, look, I know
she's excited about her team,
but why does it seem
like she's mad at me about it?
I mean, it's like she doesn't
even wanna be here anymore.
[GASPS]
Oh, my God. I know what this is.
You're in love with her.
I get it, we're all
a little in love with her.
Karen is finally
passionate about something
and she's too afraid to tell me
because she doesn't wanna hurt me.
I can't believe this.
Karen wants to leave.
- That is so...
- Hard?
Insightful of me.
I have to let her go.
After 20 years, it's time for me to say
good-bye so that she can move on.
- That is so...
- Hard?
Selfless of me.
[CRYING]
I'm gonna be such a good mom.
What? Jack, what do you want to show me
and why do you have binoculars?
Please tell me you're not
gonna help me spot
the Rebound Raccoon.
No, silly. Don't you remember
we used to use these
to check out hot guys
sunning themselves on their roof decks?
Wanna go first? Go ahead.
Yeah. Over there you'll see
the rare and beautiful
red-bottomed nut-pecker.
Oh, sure.
Thanks, Jack.
I mean, the Grief Panda was...
was weird and I didn't love
that he marked my couch, but...
I get why people like him.
- He was cute, too, right?
- Mm-hmm.
If I weren't married,
I could've had myself
a little Panda Express.
Just as well you
didn't hook up with the panda.
Imagine your kids?
They'd have big heads
and round tummies and...
whatever they'd get from him.
See, this is good.
Scoping out guys again,
commenting on their behinds.
It's like McCoy never happened.
Yeah...
But he did happen.
Yeah, but then we put it in
a bag and made it go away,
like one of Bryan Singer's assistants.
But why? I mean, last year
was one of the happiest years of my life.
I loved McCoy.
Why would I wanna forget about that?
I mean, there's a difference
between moving on
and then rewriting history.
Where are you going?
The community garden on Second Street.
♪ Buy me some pinot and crack and Jack ♪
♪ I don't care if it's laced
with bad smack ♪
Gosh, baseball really
glorifies substance abuse.
I guess that's why I like it. [GIGGLES]
[GASPS] Les fleurs.
- Where'd these come from?
- I got them for you.
Am I dead?
Can we talk?
I feel like there's something
that you've been afraid to tell me.
There is.
Hillary won Pennsylvania.
There are 50,000 votes at the
bottom of the Allegheny River.
That's... that's gonna
need its own lunch.
Listen, Kar, will you sit down?
I love how passionate
you are about your team.
I haven't seen you this excited
since the Grey Goose truck
crashed into that olive cart.
If it had been raining vermouth,
I would've believed in God.
I want you to follow your dream,
which is why I've decided...
I'm letting you go.
You're letting me go?
I don't wanna get
in your way, little bird.
It's your time to fly...
and I wanna be the wind
beneath your wings.
I promised myself I
wouldn't make myself cry again.
Look, you don't have
to thank me or give me a gift,
although that's always nice.
My satisfaction
is knowing that you're happy
and that you're happy because of me.
Hmm.
Sure, we're both feeling
a lot of emotions right now.
If you wanna talk?
Nope, I'm good.
See you, Grace.
Well, goodbyes are hard.
How dare you fire me.
What do you mean? I freed you.
No, you have pushed me away.
Ever since you got knocked up it's been,
"Will and I are going baby shopping.
"Will and I are getting an ultrasound.
Will and I are trying for a second."
Wait, wait.
Is that why you've been acting so weird?
Yes, because you have done
everything you possibly could
to keep me out of this baby's life.
I thought you were
too busy because of your team.
Oh, like I can't
handle two things at once.
Well usually you can't handle
one thing at once.
And you don't like kids.
You call them Pez dispensers
for stem cells.
Did you ever think
that maybe, oh, I don't know...
I would like your kid?
Why? Because then you'd be able
to make fun of its hair and its clothes?
Yes.
Because I would love it, just like I love
its ridiculously dressed,
frizzy-haired mother,
who clearly doesn't love me
nearly as much as I love her.
Are you high?
Er?
I was willing to sacrifice
my needs for your happiness.
Obviously I love you more.
Oh, save it.
You saw a chance to wash your
hands of me and you took it.
Even though you hate washing your hands.
Okay.
Okay, you wanna know how much I love you?
What if I asked you
to be my baby's godmother?
You wouldn't dare.
Oh, daren't I?
Okay, Grace Adler,
if you've got the balls
to ask me to be your child's godmother,
after all of this...
Then that would mean the world to me.
Really?
Really.
Honey, our baby's gonna want for noting.
- I love you, Kar.
- I love you, too.
And I'm sorry I made you feel left out.
And I'm sorry that I've been
taking all of the baby's stuff
that's been delivered here and...
throwing it in the trash.
What?
Yeah, I threw it all in the trash.
Wow, you're really here.
Way to commit to a bit.
Could you take off
your head so we can talk?
Of course, you're a real panda.
Um...
I'd like the picture
of me and my ex back.
Look, I... I just need this
one thing to remind me of him.
Yes, it's painful
and God, I hope that one day
I can look at that picture without it...
killing me a little bit, but, um...
I'm gonna be a dad and, uh...
maybe that wouldn't have happened
if I hadn't met him, you know?
Maybe... he's what got me here.
Yep, still does it.
Thank you.
Oh, that's not my boyfriend.
He's very cute, but...
"He's single. Number's on the back."
Who is this?
"Client in Brooklyn Heights.
Husband left him for a figurative bear."
I don't know, I don't think I'm ready.
"You sure? They call him Beer Can Randy."
How do you print such specific cards?!