Will & Grace (1998–…): Season 11, Episode 2 - Pappa Mia - full transcript

"Will & Grace" is recorded

in front of a live studio audience.

If you see the waitress,

can you tell her I never got my toast?

Here, have one of mine.

I know that tongue has been nowhere,

so I'm fine with it.

McCoy and I have been
talking about baby names.

He likes Alice.

Wow, lucky kid,

having two dads, just like Jesus.



Mm.

And she'll have a Mary
right across the hall.

- But this one ain't a virgin.
- Ha-ha.

Of course, Phallus could be a boy.

You are carrying low and wide.

A son.

My son.

Oh, I'll teach him everything
a boy should know:

the difference
between good and bad fats...

How to fold a pocket square

into a perfect peak, poof, or point.

"Peak, Poof, or Point"

was the name of my one-man show.

I left during Poof.



Oh, then you missed the whole Point.

- Coffee?
- Sure.

Oh, I'll teach him
the importance of the Dollys,

both "Hello" and Parton.

Yeah.

Yeah, I can definitely see
myself raising a son.

Say when.

Hey, here's a crazy think-a-doo.

What if he's a straight boy?

When. When.

Ow! Will, stop!

It's not funny, Karen.

Grace, you're pregnant. It's hilarious.

So, have you broken the news to Will yet?

Yep, and he's having a baby too.

That's kind of how it works.

When a gay man loves his hag
very, very much...

No, no, this isn't Will's baby.

Oh, well, I just figured
since you share towels that...

Basketball?

Oh, you poor old man.

You need me to teach you
how to Google porn again?

Last time you did that,
I ended up on a list

I'll never get off.

You know what? You got off.
That's all I'm hearing.

I'm watching it because this is what

fathers do with their straight sons.

They watch sports,
so I need to educate myself.

If my son wants to talk sports,

then I will be fluent
in all things sports.

All right, well, I love baskets.

- I love balls.
- And snap, the job's a game.

I used to love watching
the fellas shoot hoops

in high school, especially when
it was skirts and skins.

You mean, shirts and skins.

No wonder I got beat up so much.

So, who's the "lucky" guy?

And I mean lucky ironically,

like when you call a huge guy tiny.

His name's Marcus.

He's the guy I followed on the plane,

and then we spent an incredible
week together in Rome.

Ah, Rome.

You know, Stanley and I
honeymooned there.

Everywhere he sat, he created a new ruin.

Okay, well,
he's gonna be here any minute.

- So I need you to...
- Help you trap him.

I'm not trying to trap him.

Not in that outfit, you're not.

Although it might play on his sympathies.

Quick, look desperate.

Oh, perfect.

Go. Take your vodkaccino.

- Grace.
- Marcus.

Wow.

Did you get prettier
since the last time I saw you?

- I mean, is that even possible?
- I did, it is,

- and thank you for noticing.
- Yeah, yeah.

Ugh, gym class was awful.

Remember being terrified of
getting a boner in the shower?

I used to pull
my daisy-covered shower cap

over my eyes so I wouldn't see anything.

Constantly.

And when I did, I was like,

"I'm just thinking of my girlfriend."

"Like you have a girlfriend, McFarland.

What's her name?"

"Uh, Judith."

"That's your mom's name."

"Yeah, and I bought them both
the same bracelet."

I was the worst
with fake girlfriend names.

My go-to was "The Facts of Life."

I dated Tootie in junior high,
freshman year was Blair,

and I lost my virginity to
my sexy neighbor Mrs. Garrett.

Edna was insatiable.

She took the good and she took the bad.

We had some fun, didn't we?

It was perfect.

Grace, let's do it again, right now.

You and me, tomorrow morning,
Corner Café in Paris,

the streets still wet
from a morning rain.

Oh, can it be sunny? I've got this hair.

Whatever you want. What do you say?

Marcus, I'm pregnant.

Oh, um...

wow.

Mm.

That's amazing.

That's such wonderful news. I'm so happy.

- You are?
- Yeah, totally.

So who's the father?

Well, you are.

Me? Oh, no, no, not me.

No, can't be me. No, I had a vasectomy.

A vasectomy?

What was that?

Nothing!

Squeaky, old pipes. I should fire them!

- Hot tea.
- That sounds lovely.

Did you do any sports with your dad?

Once.

We were in the park,
and he threw me a basketball.

I caught it, kissed it,
then thanked the Academy,

and dropped it on the ground.

I just remember the look
of embarrassment on his face.

I never wanna see that look from my son.

That's why I gotta learn this stuff.

Say when.

Hey, here's a crazy think-a-doo.

What if he doesn't
just wanna watch sports,

he wants to play sports with you?

When. When, when!

I knew kids would limit my freedom.

Plus, my family has this long history

of serial killers and left-handedness.

Such a bad combo.

I mean, try to find a pair
of scissors to kill with.

We also have a history of making jokes

at the wrong time.

Look, I don't know much
about vasectomies,

but isn't possible
that one sperm survived?

You know, like that Japanese soldier

who didn't know that the war was over.

I don't know.

I mean, the brochure said,

"All sperm dead or your money back."

So you're not the father.

I'm not.

Okay.

Hey, you are gonna be a fantastic mom.

- Oh, I hope so.
- Oh, yeah.

Oh, you'll be great at feeding it

and cleaning up after it
and taking it for walks.

I only ever had dogs.

Take care.

You too.

So it is Will's.

It is not Will's,

but I was so sure that it was Marcus's.

I mean, the frequency, the timing.

I mean, we did sink stuff.

Well, then who is the father?

Who's the dude who hit snooze
on your biological clock?

I don't... I don't know.

Grace, how many candidates are there?

- Two.
- How many donuts did you eat?

- Two.
- So it's three?

Yeah.

Three guys, one is the father.

Mamma mia.

It's just like "Mamma Mia!"

♪ Here I go again ♪

I don't even know how to find these guys.

- ♪ How can I resist you ♪
- Stop.

♪ Mamma mia, does it show ♪

- Karen.
- ♪ My, my ♪

♪ Just how much I missed you ♪

♪ Yes, I've been brokenhearted ♪

♪ Blue since the day we parted ♪

♪ Why, why, did I ever let you go ♪

Hey, honey. You like my lab coat?

Do you need my pee again?

No way.

Last time, it tested positive for Oreos.

Anyway, you know how much
we adored "Mamma Mia!"?

And you know how I'm rich and bored

and have no moral compass?

What did you do?

Come on in, fellas!

Those are the men I slept with in Europe.

Shh. They think they won a boat.

Oh, hey.

You ready to play some b-ball?

B-ball? More like C-ball.

What is going on with those shorts?

Oh, cute, right?

I got 'em at a vintage store.

Oh, to have been alive in 1976.

- You were alive in 19...
- Oh, to have been alive.

Should we play?

How does basketball start?

Oh, we know this.

Two, three, four.

Brrr, it's cold in here.

There must be some homos
in the atmosphere.

Hey, Jack.

Hey, Theodore.

Just shooting some hoops
with my buddy Will here.

He's gonna be a dad soon,

so he's freaking out
that his son might be straight.

- That whole thing.
- I'm not freaking out.

I just don't want my son
to be embarrassed of me.

So I gotta get good at sports

in case he's born
theatrically-challenged.

So you brought this guy

to teach you how to play basketball?

Gee, maybe I can teach you
how to play ice hockey

a little later.

Ooh, I didn't even think of hockey.

That'd be great.

That was a joke, because I'm black.

I really appreciate you not getting this,

but I'm just saying there's
no way Jack's any good at...

Oh, did I just put the ball in the thing?

Okay, that was one lucky shot,

but there's still no way
that Jack is any good at this.

I bet you're both wondering
why I'm so good at this.

- No, I already know, it's...
- It all started in 2011.

I auditioned for the role of Troy

in a local production
of "High School Musical."

My audition song,
"Get'cha Head in the Game."

Final moment, a perfect basket.

I worked for weeks and weeks,
and at the end of my audition,

this swish made the perfect swish.

So you got the part?

No, I did not.

I believe their feedback was,

"You are not a student
at this high school."

The point is...

I made myself good at basketball,

and Will can too.

Well, all right,
I'll leave you all to it,

and I'm digging the '70s outfit.

Fabulous decade,
kills me to have missed it.

- But aren't you...
- I missed it.

Let's meet our contestants, shall we?

First, we have Mario,
a transportation executive,

or in Italian, a taxi driver.

Next, we have Paolo, a hotel pool boy.

He could fish dead frogs
out of my trap any ol' day.

And finally, we have Steve Buscemi

on his best day ever...

Who was traveling in Europe
with his family.

- You're married?
- No.

I was with my mom and dad.

- You said you were 30.
- You said you were 30.

We're talking about you, young man.

How old are you?

I'm a senior... in college.

Oh, God, thank God.

I thought we were getting a boat.

I see no boat. Where's the boat?

Okay, this is good.

Let's play a little one-on-one.

Okay, so, I'll be me
and you be my straight son.

Okay, great.

Let's start by passing the ball
back and forth,

but first, allow me
to build my character, okay?

I'm a straight teen who's embarrassed

by his queer dad.

And... found him.

Hurry up, gay dad.

I wanna go home and watch
an Adam Sandler movie

on Netflix with my girlfriend
who I cheat on.

Perfect, perfect. Okay, ready?

Throw harder.

Why don't you pretend
it's something you can't stand,

like a boob?

How would I pass you a boob, a-and why?

Pass it! Lame.

Ugh, why did I have to have a gay dad?

Gordo's dad likes sports
and has a drinking problem,

and I'm stuck with you.

I don't like this anymore.

- Just pass me the ball.
- Jack.

Come on, Will.

Is that the best you can do?

You are embarrassing!

Ow!

I'm so sorry. Are you okay?

Ow. My finger feels a little funny.

Huh, that's not right.

Jack!

Come on, buddy.

What happened?

Oh, right.

Here we go.

Oh, thank God.

For a minute there, I thought...

I have some good news and some bad news.

The bad news is, there is no boat.

The good news is,
two of you aren't the father

of Grace's fossil baby.

But it's not me.
I never sleep with this woman.

- Yes, you did.
- But I don't remember.

You picked me up in your cab,

and you took me back to your place.

The next morning, we ate cold pizza

and watched the sunrise
over the Trevi Fountain.

It was kind of wonderful.

If you say so.

I remember you, changed my life.

See? That's more like it.

Being with you, I realize
I don't like the women.

I like the men.

Congratulations, Gracie.

You turned another one gay.

- You can't turn people gay.
- I can't, but you can.

All right, gentlemen, moment of truth.

Let's get some DNA samples.

Open up. Thank you.

You're next.

Wait, let me take out my retainer.

Oh, my God.

There we go.

All right, and now you.

Oh, my God, my pinkie.

And this is my tea hand.

Jack, I'm so, so sorry.

Are they gonna cut it off?

Should I take off my pants?

I need a gown!

Something mid-calf and low heel.

Okay, Jack, Jack, Jack. Hey, hey, hey.

Listen to me.
It's gonna be all right, okay?

Okay, I promise you.

Look, I stole this
from a cart in the hall.

- Can you do the straw?
- Of course I can.

I can't believe I got so upset
and humiliated

just pretending with you.

I'm gonna be a disaster as a dad.

- Did you grab two?
- Of course I did, buddy.

Where is that doctor?

Look, I know you're worried

that your son is gonna be
embarrassed of you,

but here's the thing,
he absolutely will be.

Gay, straight, boy, or girl,
every kid is embarrassed

of their parents.

Huh.

At least you wanna bond with your kid.

You know how far ahead
of the game that puts you?

Has your dad ever shown an interest

in anything you loved,
like the theater or...

drying dishes?

All you can do is show up,

and you've already shown up
before your kid is even born.

- Thanks, Jack.
- You're welcome.

I don't wanna be rude, but how do we know

that we're the only three guys
that she did?

That's true.

It seemed like her "for hire" sign

is light up all the time.

It could be ten, twenty, thirty guys.

What? How dare you?

You are the only three

who could possibly be the father.

- I didn't have a vasectomy.
- And there was one more.

I panicked.

Grace, I'm so sorry,

but I'm prepared to do the right thing.

I will give up all my hopes and dreams.

I will swallow the very essence
of who I am,

and I will marry you

and I will help raise this baby.

Was that a proposal or a suicide note?

Can it be both?

Sorry, it's that jokes thing again.

Grace, I'm sorry,

and I-I'm so sorry that I lied to you.

Did you also lie about the mass murderers

and the left-handedness?

Oh, it's the worst. In Italy, we say...

- Who are these guys?
- Oh, these are the other men

that Grace slept with in Europe.

What?

Oh, thanks.

Sorry I was being so dramatic
about my finger.

Probably didn't need to cry
as much as I did.

Are you kidding?

You cry as much as you want.
It was scary.

I was scared.

I'm gonna find that doctor.

- You're a good dad.
- Excuse me?

I heard what you said in there.

So many fathers come in here
with hurt little boys,

yelling at them to act like men.

What does that even mean?

I wish there were more dads like you.

Well, that's nice to hear.

Let's take a look at this little guy.

Does somebody want a lolli?

Psych, already found 'em.

Yeah, no, that's right, Mother.

I was in the hospital.

Well, you'd know that
if you ever read my texts.

No.

I left my body, okay?

I saw the light, Mother.

I met God.

Yes, I did, and he apologized
for dropping me off with you

when I was supposed to go to Barbra.

I could be
Jason frickin' Gould right now.

I could be shopping in
the underground mall, Judith!

Are you at the salon?

No, I told you I wanted
to do your hair this week.

No, don't be silly.
I'm never too busy for you.

Just leave now,
I'll give you a quick blowout,

and then we'll go
to Souplantation, all right?

Byeeee.

That's it.

In three weeks, you will find out

which one of those guys
is the father of your baby.

For what it's worth,
I hope it's the young one,

so that somebody's alive
when the kid goes to college.

You going to the post office or...

What am I doing?

This isn't gonna tell me
who the father is.

I think that's exactly
what it's gonna do.

No, no. Will, biology doesn't matter.

If this baby has a father,
it'll be someone I love,

who wants to raise the baby with me.

And if that doesn't happen,

I will give this child
everything it needs.

You're right. You don't need anyone else.

You got me. You got McCoy.

And if Idris Elba wants
to throw his hat in the ring,

I will not kick him out of bed.

Perfect, so you got four of us.

We'll have to work out a shower schedule.

I guess you'll go first,
then the three of us.

That was easy.

- I'm gonna throw it away.
- Uh... allow me.

Who's embarrassed now, unborn child?

That sounded weird, but it felt good.

Excuse me, ma'am.

Hi, D.J.

My mom says that if I am the dad

that I have to invite you
to my fraternity formal.

Oh, come on.

It's at the Spaghetti Factory.

When is it?

It's May 22nd.

The theme is the 2000s.

That's already a theme?

Wait, did you sleep with him too?

No, but trust me, I tried.