Will & Grace (1998–…): Season 10, Episode 9 - Family, Trip - full transcript

ENJOY! Do not miss this tomorrow!
"Will & Grace" is shot before

a live studio audience.

Well, I'm off to
Divorce Attorney.

Wish me money.

So, you and Stan
are really over?

- Yep.
- Do you wanna talk?

Why?

Must have all kinds of feelings.

Is it the word "feelings"
that's bumping you?

Honey, feelings are
for poor people

and e liberals who love them.



Okay, but, you know,

I'm here if you ever change your...
personality.

- What up, Smudge?
- [SCREAMS]

Heads up. Your sister's here.

Uh, when were you gonna tell me?

- [SCREAMS]
- [SCREAMS] What?

I just saw what you're wearing.

[STAMMERS SLIGHTLY]

It's pretty.

[UPBEAT TRUMPET AND PIANO MUSIC]

- Janet, did you sleep here?
- Yeah, well,

you were such a douche about
me staying at your place.

Well, that's because
the last time,

you brought that weird guy
with the anxiety rat.



Uh, that's a real thing. That
rat has his own bus seat.

Did you ever find it?

What do you mean,
did I ever find it?

Never mind.

Janet, you gotta
get out of here.

I've got a client coming.

I'm in crisis, Smudge...
not that you asked.

- Frank's cheating on me.
- Janet...

If I had any balls, I'd
tell him it's over,

but his wife just got
back from active duty.

I'm sure they'll both thank
you for your service.

[UPBEAT PIANO MUSIC]

Good night, Mr. Truman.

Really? "Mr. Truman"
is so formal.

Call me William, guys, or
Professor Truman...[LAUGHS]

- But you're not a full Profe...
- Good night, Jill.

Oh, hey, kids. Yeah.

Swell of you to visit the
elderly in your spare time.

Another study group?

I like being the teacher all
the kids wanna hang out with.

Yeah, no, they seemed
really eager to stay.

I'll have you know
they invited me

to a warehouse party.

Ooh, a rave, yeah.

Remember those nights?
All those hot guys?

Yeah, you dancing along on a box
in nothing but short shorts

and a retainer?

And you with your little
baggy of orange slices?

D Key change d

Check it out.

You bought your wedding rings?

I did.

First ring I'll ever
wear on my finger.

You and Estefan are
really getting married.

Our time has come.

Before I was ready
to settle down,

I just had to get a couple
guys out of my system.

- And then in my system.
- Mm-hmm.

And then back out of my system.

You wrote, "To my soulmate"
inside his ring.

Well, he is... [CHUCKLES]

Never thought I'd meet
my soulmate, but I did.

Well, I'm gonna cry.

Maybe you should save your tears

until you get your Amex bill.

[BOTH LAUGH]

I kid!

You not.

D d

Listen, Grace, I've
already been here

longer than I wanna be here,
so let's wrap this up.

- I've got ten minutes.
- [STAMMERS]

Wait, I have so
much to show you.

- Nine.
- Oh, okay, I understand.

Um, I've got some...
some fun paint ideas

that I'm gonna show you, and
this time, I am confident

that it won't give you, as
you put it, eye herpes.

[DOOR SHUTS] - Hey, Grace.

How dark is pee supposed to be?

Oh, sorry.

Don't be. That's a
legitimate question.

It's supposed to be the
color of pale hay.

Then I should see a doctor.

You're adorable. Who are you?

- Janet.
- Janet.

That's a beautiful name.

Have a drink with me.

- Sure, but I'm straight.
- Are you?

- Yes, yes.
- Are you? Are you?

You tell me.

D d

What is this?

Chocolate milk?

Guess one of the kids
must have left it.

You know what?

I'm doing it... [LAUGHS]

This is our rave.

I'll drop one bread and
two fats tomorrow.

- Oh, mmm.
- Gimme some.

Takes you back, right?

Yeah, totally.

Hey, you need to do something
about your doorman.

- He's a little handsy.
- We don't have a doorman.

Oh, makes sense.

What kind of doorman would
test people for colon cancer?

So, did you have time to
look over my divorce papers?

Oh, yeah, uh,

looks like Stan got
the cabin in Vermont,

but you got Vermont.

Suck it, New England... [GROWLS]

Jack used to have a tank
top that said that.

Oh?

So, now what?

I just sign these and that's it?

Pretty much.

Once you've done that, you're
no longer Mrs. Stanley Walker.

Hm, it's that easy... [CHUCKLES]

You okay?

You gotta be struggling
with how hard this is.

I had a tank top
that said that too.

Good Lord, why is everybody

making such a big
deal out of this?

What, do you want me to sing
a torch song or something?

- I'm fine.
- Oh, Karen.

I know this is hard to swallow.

Yes, a T-shirt... [MUMBLES]

[SCOFFS] It's a piece of paper.

It doesn't mean anything.

It's like a restraining
order, or...

the Constitution.

Are you sure you're okay?

Honey, I am better than ever,

and I'm ready for my second act.

Now, that's a great attitude

to take into your
next 100 years.

Ah.

Ooh, is this choc-y milk?

You drink chocolate milk?

It's my own vice.

Shh.

I'd love to stick around, but
we all know that's not true.

[DOOR SLAMS] - God, this
stuff is addictive.

I don't remember chocolate
milk being so good.

Will...

I feel kind of funny.

Wait, those kids were
going out to party.

Do you think they put
something in this?

No, they're law students.

They wouldn't do
anything illegal.

Oh, okay... [LAUGHS SOFTLY]

Oh, wait. Hold on.

I gotta get that butterfly
off your shoulder.

Thanks... [CHUCKLES]

Must have come from over there.

I don't remember putting
in a butterfly door,

but I like it.

D Ha-ba-da, bee-ba-da d

Oh, street meat.

It's my one vice. Shh.

One, please.

[MYSTICAL MUSIC]

Huh, that's unusual.

D d

Oh, crap.

I forgot I was
performing tonight.

Oh, thanks, honey.

Testing, testing.
Is this thing on?

Check, check, one.
Check, one, two.

[UPBEAT PIANO MUSIC]

- So, shall we look at fabrics?
- Hold on.

I want my girlfriend
to weigh in.

Of course. I didn't know
you were seeing anyone.

She's new. Babe!

Never been good
at relationships,

probably 'cause I'm a bitch.

Okay, so, for the sofa,
I was thinking that...

What up, Smudge?

Janet, what are you doing here?

Her.

You have got to be kidding me.

I'm a lesbian now.

Deal with it.

[GAGGING]

[SCATTING AND VOCALIZING]

[JAZZY PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]

Poor thing.

[CONTINUES SCATTING]

I'm gonna take her shoes.

[MELLOW PIANO MUSIC]

Your skin is so soft.

It's so... soft.

It's so, like...

what is the word
I'm thinking of?

- Soft?
- Yes!

You always find the word.

I know so many words.

Like what?

Cassoulet...

oh, I know there are others.

It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.

Words are just
things people say.

Yes, yes, yes. It's like
we're beyond words.

Those are words.

"Soulmate." There's a word.

It's like that's the
biggest word there is...

not in terms of letters...

Cassoulet is longer...
but the idea.

- Yeah.
- What is a soulmate?

Soulmate, soulmate. Hey,
let's look at the word.

- Let's look at it.
- Huh?

Oh, air-finger cursive.

It's a lost art.

Right? Write?

- Right? [MOUTHS]
- [CHUCKLES]

Soulmate... a soulmate
is someone who knows you

better than anyone, who
takes care of you,

someone who knows what
you need before you e...

Why did you just hand me...
[SNEEZES]

A tissue?

Are you my soulmate?

I might be. How would
we know for sure?

[EXHALES]

Whoever this ring fits,

is my soulmate.

Ow. Ow.

Ow... [GASPS]

It fits!

D d

Okay, okay, this is happening.

Told you she'd be
weird about it.

She doesn't want to think
about her sister having sex.

Well, who does, besides
Angelina Jolie's brother?

This conversation makes
me wanna do heroin again.

Let's look at fabrics.

Yes, fabrics. Of course.

Um, and I also brought
some new carpet samples...

She's already seen a
new carpet sample.

Soon as it came out of my mouth.

D d

How did we not
notice this before?

My soulmate was right
across the hall!

Mine too!

I mean, it's so obvious.
We finish each other's...

- Penises.
- That's what I was gonna say.

Okay, what am I
thinking right now?

- I'm not getting anything.
- I wasn't thinking anything!

Do you know what this means?
Do you know what this means?

I have to tell Estefan you're
my soulmate before I marry him.

He'll totally understand.
Call him now.

Oh, okay. Excellent.

I just have to wait for that
rabbit to get off the phone.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm,
mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Wanda, Wanda, listen, no.

You're the one who wanted
an open relationship.

Oh, I'm so glad
you're my soulmate.

- Me too.
- I'm gonna make you a sandwich.

- I don't want a sandwich.
- Excuse me?

I said I don't need you
to make me a sandwich.

Of course you do. I
take care of you.

- I'm your soulmate.
- I already ate with Estefan.

Well, just un-eat with him.

I refuse!

You bitch!

Get out! I never
wanna see you again.

I never wanna be seen by you!

[MELLOW PIANO MUSIC]

Hey, babe, what are we feeling
about the wall color?

Why? Do we think it's too dark?

I think we might.

Oh, I think we think it works.

And how about we leave the
designing to the designer

instead of the woman who thinks
the paper flip-flops you get

after a pedicure are
okay to wear synagogue?

That's homophobic.

Uh, okay. It's not.

And you are not a lesbian.

You're an Adler. We
don't work that hard.

I'm sorry.

Donna, my sister is just
as straight as I am.

- Are you? Are you? Are you?
- Yes, yes.

Watch out. This is
where it happens.

[DOORBELL RINGS]
- Oh, that must be

my intervention I
keep rescheduling.

You always think you're
gonna have time.

[APPLAUSE]

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you so much.

Benny and I are going to
take it down a notch.

This one is for my man...

[MOODY PIANO TUNE]

The one that got away.

Jack? Jack!

[SOBBING] Will, Will!

- Will!
- I'm over here.

Will, I was so lost.

What's happening to us?

I don't know.

But I don't feel comfortable
talking about it

in front of her.

- Praise be.
- Under his eye.

[UPBEAT PIANO MUSIC]

What are you doing?

Just because you go out with
guys without jobs, cars,

or all of their fingers
doesn't make you gay.

Why can't you be happy for me?

Because, honestly, I think that
this is a little pathetic.

I am not pathetic.

- You say I'm not pathetic.
- No.

- Pick a city.
- No!

- Pick a city!
- Philadelphia.

- P-H-I-L-A...
- Ow, ow, ow, ow.

[WHIMPERS] Why don't
I ever say LA?

Fine! Be a lesbian.

Have a Pussy Riot! Whatever.

Just don't screw up
this job for me.

- How am I screwing it up?
- Because it's what you do.

You always make my
life so difficult.

I mean, my God, you
are my older sister.

You're supposed to be the
one to take care of me.

It's true. I'm a
terrible big sister.

- Come on, Janet.
- What? I am.

And I hate that.

When you were born, mom put
you in my arms and said,

"This is your baby.

You have to take care of her."

And I wanted to.

I loved you so much.

You put me into a basket
and threw me into a pond.

That's what Moses' mom did.

I was trying to give
you a better life.

- You are not a failure.
- [SCOFFS]

If anything, I am.

Mom said, "Life is
harder for Janet.

Be kind to her."

And I haven't been.

Look, if you are a lesbian,
I will support you happily.

I don't know if I am... [SIGHS]

Donna's cool.

And she played me like a banjo.

[SIGHS DEEPLY]

Well, you just ruined
Mumford & Sons for me.

- I'm a mess.
- Who isn't?

Now that mom's gone,

maybe we should do that thing
she always wanted us to do.

Neither one of us is
gonna marry Josh Groban.

No. Look out for each other.

Isn't that what sisters do?

I love you, Janet.

I love you so much.

[MOODY JAZZY MUSIC PLAYING]

d Good riddance d

d Good-bye d

d Every trick of his d

d You're on to d

d But fools will be fools d

d And where's he d

d Gone to? d

d The road is rougher d

d It's lonelier and tougher d

d With hope you burn up d

d Tomorrow he may turn up d

d There's just no letup d

d The livelong night d

d And day d

d Ever since this world began d

d There is nothing d

d Sadder than d

d A one-man woman d

d Looking for d

d The man that got d

d Away d

d The man d

d That got d

d Away d

d d

- Bravo!
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[MELLOW PIANO MUSIC]

How you feeling?

Better, although I do
miss the butterflies.

Oh, God! Oh.

Do I need to say
anything to the school

about my students lacing
chocolate milk with drugs?

Depends, I mean,

do you wanna do the right thing,

or be the cool teacher
that all the kids like?

- Eh, they're adults.
- Yeah.

You know, all that stuff
we said about soulmates

and sandwiches... that
was because of the...

we were chocolate
milking, right?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I mean...

- What?
- Nothing, I...

When you get married,

you're still gonna
need me, right?

I mean, Estefan can
have "soulmate,"

but I'm not losing
"best friend."

Ugh. You're so obsessed with me.

Of course you're my
best friend, silly.

Well, let's make it official.

Jack, I'm asking you,

in front of God,

and all the high-end male
erotica in this apartment.

Do you promise to be
in my life forever?

I do.

I promise to be here through all
your weight fluctuations...

Mm-hmm.

Every relationship you trick a
man into being a part of...

Mm.

All the botched cosmetic
surgery I'm sure...

Okay, you're done. You're good.
You're good.

And I... I promise

to always lend you money,

to not get mad when you return
my suit with the ass cut out,

It said, "business casual."

- I know, buddy.
- [CHUCKLES]

- Hey, Will.
- Mm, yeah?

You can make me
that sandwich now.

I'd love to, but
when we were high,

I used all the bread to
retile the bathroom.

D d

[CAR HONKS]

[MOODY JAZZ MUSIC]

d d

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]

Good-bye,

Mrs. Stanley Walker.

ENJOY! Do not miss
this tomorrow!