Will & Grace (1998–…): Season 10, Episode 6 - Kid 'n Play - full transcript

"Will & Grace" is shot
before a live studio audience.

Wish I didn't have to go to work today.

Me too.

Hey, let me know if you find my, uh,

my underwear.

What do they look like?

They look like underwear.

You've been living
with a gay guy too long.

- I'll call you later.
- Wait a sec.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Why? Why?

Why, why do we do this?



What, kiss?

Kissing good-bye.

By definition, it can't lead to anything.

It's like... it's like
having one breadstick

and then leaving the restaurant.

You're a lot of work.

Hey.

See, now I want dinner.

Bye.

Bye.

Oh, did I miss Noah again?

Sorry. I was talking on my phone.

You mean this phone?

Why are you avoiding Noah?



I'm not avoiding him. It's just...

He's so opinionated.

He makes me feel...

not self-conscious, what's
the word I'm looking for?

- Terrified?
- Yeah, that's it.

His whole thing is to be mean on Twitter.

That's what you love about him.

Yes, on Twitter.

I didn't know he'd be like that

in real life.

I mean, what if he hates me?

Then you're dating a guy
who hates your best friend.

- That's not good.
- He's gonna love you.

Just give him a chance.

Knock, knock.

Oh, Grace.

What you're wearing

is absolutely stunning.

I...

Have you ever thought of starting

your own clothing line?

- Will, what's happening?
- I don't know.

Karen, are you not high?

[CHUCKLING]

Oh, Will.

Your humor, it is a treasure.

Have you ever thought of...

I don't know,

collecting some of your funny

quips and whatnots

and putting them all into an expensive

coffee table book?

What is going on?

Okay, busted.

This is a fashion crime scene

and you are clearly a comedy dead zone.

All right. Here's the deal.

I just got off the phone with Accountant

and because of the divorce,
I have to find a tax shelter.

So I have to invest in something

that is guaranteed to lose money.

Big entrance, everybody!

Please. Sit, sit, sit.

I am making a triumphant return
to the theater!

No, no, no, no, can it be, is it true?

What? [MIMICKING EXCITED CROWD]

Silence, everybody! Yes, it is true.

I have written and set to music

a one-man show about Abraham Lincoln's

long-rumored gay romance.

I'm calling it "Gaybraham Twinkin'."

All I need is a financial backer.

Ding, ding, ding, we have a winner.

[UPBEAT TRUMPET AND PIANO MUSIC]

Ah-one, two, three, four,

score. And seven years ago.

Do you like the mix-up of the seven?

Or is it like, one, two, three, seven,

Or, like, jazz hands up here?
Is that better?

It's all good, Jackie.

I want this to be
a creative safe space, so.

If you think something's not perfect,

just yell "Stop," okay?

So far it is everything

Accountant and I could have hoped for.

Thank you.

You know, the mole does a lot
of the work for me, so.

Look at that raccoon
eating that cat food!

[LAUGHING]

It walks just like a people.

[LAUGHING]

Okay, the show's about Lincoln's affair

with young Joshua Speed...

turns out Teddy Roosevelt
wasn't the only president

with a thing for bears...

against the backdrop of the Civil War.

Brother against brother.

Brother... on top of brother.

Oh. Writes itself.

You know, you hear that,

but it's not true.

Right now the whole second act

is just a drawing of a horse.

Seriously, that's all I got.

Anyway, in the 11:00 number,

Gaybraham receives a letter
from his lover.

[INDISTINCT MURMURING]

[AS LINCOLN] Why, it's from Joshua.

What a fine hand he has.

And oh, how that hand could relieve

the tensions of my southern uprising.

Is that too much? Not enough?

Oh, mwah. Just right.

Okay.

[AS LINCOLN] Let's see
what my bosom companion

has to say.

[GENTLE PIANO MUSIC]

♪

♪ "Dear Mr. Lincoln ♪

♪ "Of you, sir, I've been thinking ♪

♪ "And am setting quill to
parchment so you'll know ♪

♪ "That my head is in a fog ♪

♪ "Thinking of your Lincoln log ♪

♪ And how you put the 'man'
in emancipation" ♪

[VOCALIZING]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

It's not I...

BOTH: What are you doing here?

Grace said you'd be gone

and to bring a bottle of

Skinnygirl Chardonnay.

She told me to meet her here

and make her a BLT,
double mayo, double chips.

That's my favorite sandwich.

And that's my fav...
I've heard of that wine.

You know what happened here.

She "Parent Trapped" us.

I've never seen that movie,

but if it's about a guy going

to his girlfriend's place

and realizing he's not gonna get laid,

then yeah, we've been "Parent Trapped!"

[BRIGHT PIANO MUSIC]

I got a surprise for you!
Our show poster is here.

[GASPS] What?

"Karen Walker presents"?

You mean my name is gonna be
on this piece of show?

Duh! Everybody's talking about it.

All your friends are coming.

So far I've got RSVP'ed from
Ivanka, Marlo,

all the Huckabee Sanderses...

Oh, my gosh, and they are so supportive.

Okay. Whole new plan.

This play is gonna be good.

- But wasn't that always...
- Less Jack-ting, more acting.

From the top!

Okay. Okay.

And again, if you don't like anything,

- just yell, "Stop."
- Okay.

Okay?

Ah-one, two...

[SCREAMING] Stop!

♪

So, uh,

Grace tells me you think
I'm a bit of a dick.

- I never said that.
- I know, I'm just being a dick.

Maybe we should find some common ground.

Okay. You like sports?

- I like ice skating.
- Not a sport.

I'm guessing you prefer theater?

That is such a tired stereotype.

And yeah, I adore it.

Yeah, some plays are okay.

You know? But I... I can't
stand musicals.

Even worse, when they
turn them into movies.

Don't get me started
on "West Side Story."

You don't like "West Side Story?"

It's absurd.

It pretends to be a serious exploration

of immigrant plight,
but it's just a bunch

of pirouetting theater majors

in windbreakers and Keds.

Windbreakers are the toughest of jackets.

The FBI wears 'em.

Come on, the guy playing Tony

is distractingly gay.

He is exactly the right level of gay.

The score is breathtaking,

the dancing is superb...

Natalie Wood is completely miscast.

You stop right there.

Ooh, what are you gonna do, snap at me?

It's not up here.

It's a tight snap.

No.

No. Tight.

Ooh, we're both snapping. It's a rumble.

It's stylized choreography.

It's manly in its own way.

Yeah, no, I feel like a Navy SEAL.

Obviously you haven't seen it

in a while, so I'm gonna go get the DVD.

We're gonna watch it right now.

You'll see how great it is.

[RINGTONE CHIMING]

Hey, Katie.

Hey. Uh, no, I'm, uh,

I'm still working, but I can't
wait to see you later.

Okay. All right.

I love you too. Bye.

You bastard.

No, it's not what you think.

I think you were telling another woman

that you love her.

She's not a woman, Will. She's 12.

Oh, my God!

It's my daughter...
what is wrong with you?

You have a daughter?

Why didn't you tell Grace?

Oh, man. I didn't bring it up
the first date

because I didn't think
it was going anywhere.

And then I didn't bring it up
the second date

because I was pretty sure
we were gonna have sex

and sometimes having a kid
is a boner-killer for women.

And then I didn't bring it up
on the third date

because by then it was weird

that I hadn't brought it up
on the first two dates.

Look, if I could go back in time,

I'd tell her on the first date.

Of course, if I could
actually go back in time,

I'd kill Hitler, invest in Apple,

then tell Grace.

You know, Grace doesn't
really like to be lied to.

It wasn't a lie, okay?
It was an omission.

Come on, you're a guy.

You've never hidden anything

from someone you were dating?

Nothing this big.

Really? When you were dating Grace,

you didn't withhold certain information,

like...

oh, I don't know,
the fact that you're gay?

Oh, that was completely different.

- How?
- Mine was much worse.

Look. Please don't tell her.

I have to, Noah.

We tell each other everything.

- Is that healthy?
- Not in the slightest.

But now we're dealing with you.

I screwed up, okay?

I need to fix it. And I will.

I care about Grace.

Well, there's our common ground.

You got 24 hours to tell her.

Okay, I'll, I'll tell her
at dinner tomorrow night.

Good, but not during dessert.

You ruin Grace's dessert,

God help you.

[BRIGHT PIANO]

♪

Jackie.

I'm gonna take off my producer hat

and put on my friend hat.

As a friend,

I love that you're pursuing your passion.

Aw, Karen.

Okay. Gonna put my producer hat back on.

Your play sucks harder
than a girl with daddy issues.

But you just said...

That was as a friend.

But as a producer, I can tell you...

[GRUFF VOICE]
Your friends are lying to you.

Well.

Putting on my actor hat,

my writer scarf,

my singer lozenge,

and my dancer character shoes,

I will quote the opening number
of Act Four

when Old Abe says to Dream Ballet Abe,

"What the hell have you been
drinkin', Lincoln?"

Okay.

Let me spell this out for you,
Shakes-queer...

If you put a broom on a circus floor

after the elephant parade

and swept it all into one big pile

it would still be a smaller
turd than this thing.

Putting on my friend hat for a moment.

That was hilarious.

But I toss that hat across the room

and get into my serious artist jumpsuit,

and I say to you as long as

I am the lead in this play,

we are gonna do things my way!

As long as you are the lead

of this play,

we are going to do things your way.

[MOCK LAUGHING]

Understood.

As long as I am the lead of this play,

we're gonna do things my way...

I mean, that's bulletproof, right?

[BRIGHT PIANO]

I'm so mad.

Wait till I tell you
what happened at dinner.

Sweetie, I'm so sorry.

Right? It's my favorite skirt

and the waiter spilled a bowl of soup

all over it.

But you didn't know that.

What are you sorry about?

I'm a gay man.

I can always sense when

something bad has happened

to s-suede.

Wait a minute, what's wrong?

Wine, tissues, charcoal facial masks.

All we need is a box of doughnuts

and it's the Grace Adler comfort kit.

What is that?

- Give it... give... give it...
- Don't... wait!

[GASPS]

You know something.

What is going on?

Noah was weird at dinner,
now you're being weird.

It's not my secret to tell.

Now it's a secret?

Is he... Is he dating someone else?

Oh, my God, if I turned another guy gay,

I'm jumping out of the window.

Grace.

I know, you can't turn people gay,

you can only make them wish they were.

He has a daughter.

What?

And he didn't tell me?

What else didn't he tell me?

And why wouldn't he tell me?

These are questions
you'd have to ask him.

But you can't ask him.

- Why not?
- Because if you ask him,

he'll know I told you

and I promised him I wouldn't.

Well, why would you do that?

We tell each other everything.

Yeah, but is that healthy?

Oh, we are so far past that.

Where are the doughnuts?

As soon as he is done
explaining to the Uber driver

why he's only getting one star,

I'm getting answers.

No, no, you, you, you...

Look, you want Noah and I to get along.

I-If he finds out that I told you,

that's out the window. He'll hate me.

We'll start snapping at each other.

It'll get ugly.

You can't say anything.

I get it.

You're right.

Okay, fine. I won't say anything.

Hey.

You have a kid?

[GENTLE PIANO MUSIC]

♪ - You made me love you ♪

♪ You really got your licks in ♪

♪ Below my Mason-Dixon ♪

Can we... can we stop a second?

A-Are you sure this works?

Jon Cryer, anything that doesn't work

is going to change.

Okay, good, because

I-I was a little worried about that part

where you changed the lyric

in the "Battle Hymn of the Republic" to,

"Glory, glory, hole-lelujah?"

Okay, people, let's take it from...

John Wilkes Booth, what is
the meaning of all this?

I've been asking that
question since I got here.

Hush, you, whoever you are.

You replaced me with Jon Cryer?

The producers decided to go another way.

You're the only producer.

Yes, and I fought for you, honey,

but I was outvoted.

This is unbelievable.

It's bad enough you recast me
in my own play

but did it have to be with my arch-rival?

We're rivals?

Don't pretend like
you don't know who I am.

I don't have to.

Okay, kittens, let's not
ruin our manicures.

Back to rehearsal.

I don't know if it'll help, but okay.

I don't believe this.

You said you loved this play.

You said you believed in me.

I never said that.

[RECORDED KAREN]: I love this play!

I believe in you.

Yeah. Well, you said I could replace you

if I wanted to.

I never said that.

[KAREN AS JACK]: You can
replace me whenever you like.

This is Jack talking.

That's not my voice.

Oh, no one ever thinks
they sound like themselves.

Uh, should I leave?

No, no, Jon Cryer.

I wanna hear the closing speech.

If that's all right with you.

Why ask me?

It would appear this partnership is over.

Oh. Then we have nothing
left to say to each other.

This is how our friendship ends.

Stabbed in the back by my best friend

in a theater, just like Lincoln!

[BRIGHT PIANO]

You gave me 24 hours!

You gave him 24 hours?

What, are you a Bond villain?

You said you were gonna
tell her at dinner.

I was going to, but she
spilled soup on her skirt.

You said the waiter
spilled soup on your skirt.

Okay, so I lied,
but I'm not the liar here.

And yes, I heard what I just said.

And then I was distracted

because your shirt's been open all night.

It's a look! Read a magazine!

I cannot believe that you didn't tell me

that you have a kid!

- You never asked.
- You should have told me

without me having to ask!

You can't get mad at me for
something I didn't tell you

- that you didn't ask.
- You can't get mad at her

for not asking something
that you should have told her

without having to ask!

Wait, wait. Where were we?

The bottom line, you should

have told Grace from the start.

Yeah, you don't think I know that?

Do you have any idea
how hard this has been?

I wanted to tell you.

Well, then why didn't you?

Because I didn't think we'd be here.

Where?

In a living room? New York?

Here. Us.

What do you mean, Noah?

Oh, come on. What are
you doing to me, huh?

You know I have feelings for you.

Did you hear that, Grace?

I did.

But I need to hear more.

Well, I feel good about this.

I-I-I, you know, I think

you guys have... have y-your differences,

but I think if you can get together...

I meant I need to hear more from him.

Right. Right. I'm gonna go.

I'll be in my... I'm just going to, uh,

take my Skinnygirl...

or... whatever it's called, I don't know!

So, we good?

No.

You said you have feelings.

I need to know what that means.

Yeah, why? Why? Why do I have to explain?

Because I have spent too much of my life

chasing after emotionally
wishy-washy guys

and I don't have time for it anymore.

I know who I am. I know what I need.

I'm not ready
for this conversation. Okay?

You just said that
you have feelings for me

and now you can't tell me what they are?

Yeah, I need time, all right?
I need time to just...

Okay, all right, you need time?

You have 24 seconds to tell me

how you feel about me.

24 sec... Will gave me 24 hours.

- 19.
- No, oh, come on.

You know how I feel.

- Why do I have to even...
- Ten.

No, oh, okay. Time-out.

- No time-outs.
- Time-out.

- Five.
- Oh, for crying out loud.

- Three, two, one.
- No, no, no.

- I'm not gonna be backed into...
- [MIMICKING BUZZER]

I love you!

What?

I didn't hear you when I was buzzing.

You heard me.

I did hear you.

[LOW FIDDLE MUSIC]

"My dear Joshua.

"It occurs to me that you and I

"Are like the warring factions
in our current conflict.

"While we may quarrel,

"We must take care never to sunder

"The precious ties that bind us.

"For truly, life would hold little joy

if our friendship were to
perish from this Earth."

Beautiful, isn't it?

It is affecting.

I like the part about

nothing coming between a friendship.

Yeah, me too.

Jackie, wait.

I'm gonna take off my producer hat,

bend over, and pull up
my friendship skirt.

This is your play.

Your vision. You do anything you want.

So you don't think it's a big turd?

I can honestly say

it's as good as anything
you've ever done.

[BRIGHT PIANO]

♪

Tell me about your daughter.

Well, her name's Katie.

She's 12.

And every time she calls me Dad

I feel like I won something
I don't deserve.

That's so nice.

I bet you're a great dad.

Well, I want to be.

And that's why, that's why

I didn't bring her up at first.

You know? I'm protective.

She means the world to me.

- Well, I won't tell anyone.
- [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

But you are a lot sweeter
than you pretend to be.

Don't screw with my brand, Adler.

Bye.

So when can I meet her?

Oh, yeah, that's... that's not happening.

[BRIGHT PIANO]