Will & Grace (1998–…): Season 10, Episode 16 - Conscious Coupling - full transcript

Will & Grace is recorded

in front of a live studio audience.

Okay, I have no idea why I'm
supposed to care about her.

- Bella Hadid!
- Even less.

- Gigi Hadid!
- Yes.

- Ugh, this guy.
- Kanye.

Yes.

Uh, time, time.

The score right now is 15 for you guys,

and we are your heels with
a very respectable one.

I'm sorry I'm such a bad partner.



Are you kidding?
You're better than Grace.

She never takes the time out to tell me

how beautiful my eyes are.

They really are incredible.

They're hazel.
They're the color of a swamp.

Here, your turn.

Okay, ready?

Go.

Okay, he's hot but not as hot as you.

Adam Levine.

You think you're hotter than Adam Levine?

- He's right.
- Yes, that's one point for us!

No, no, it's the wrong answer

but you are correct that
you're hotter than Adam Levine.



- That's so sweet.
- Oh, you're so sweet.

We're still playing!

Oh, this one's easy.

Uh, we both have French bulldogs

from the same surrogate.

Time, time! We won again.

It was Rachel Maddow.

Oh.

- Well, you guys were great.
- Mm-hmm.

At crapping the bed.

But you know what?
They are fun to hang out with.

They are. They're a great couple.

But come on, we're the better couple.

You know, it's almost rude
how much better we are.

Should we try to be
less great as a couple?

If we could, we would.

They really care a lot about the game.

I know,

but they're not as pretty as we are.

What is it, Mother?

No, I am not screening your calls.

I did listen to your voicemails!

I did too, Judith!

Oh, yes I...

Okay, no I didn't.

What do you want?

No, of course I'm still getting married!

Why would... why do you keep
asking me that?

I love Estefan.

How dare you!

No, I am not going to cheat.

Not even if the perfect man
fell from the sky!

No, I'm not going to feel stuck
when I get married.

I will never be stuck.

Oh, my God, I'm stuck.

Malcolm, darling, the power is still out.

I'll take off as soon
as it stops snowing.

I'll just give Pilot
a little nudge. Okay.

Now you listen to me, you son of a bitch.

I don't care if you have to dig
that plane out of the snow

with a coke spoon,

I am flying to Islamabad
tonight to see my boyfriend.

Wow, so that voice comes out of you.

I was picturing a sexy animated rabbit.

Well, that's how I picture
myself except with a whip.

Um, I'm Nikki. I'm above you.

Honey, no one's above me.

Mind if I borrow your glasses?

Sure.

There you go.

Wow, you have such a weak prescription.

There's no prescription.

They're fake.

My eyes are perfect.

Then why...

Well, network testing showed the glasses

make me appear more trustworthy
and approachable.

So people think you're too
beautiful without the glasses?

82% of viewers don't hear a word I say

when I'm not wearing them.

I'm sorry, what?

You know what bugs me about
Will and McCoy?

Ooh, what?

They're so into each other,
especially McCoy.

Love's not that showy crap.

You know, "Oh, you're
so beautiful and wonderful."

Who wants that all the time?

Babies.

This is good. oh, you and me hanging out.

These last few months,
I've been really happy.

- I could do this all the time.
- Yeah, me too.

Hey, I've got an idea.

How about I give you a drawer here?

Some place to keep your fake glasses.

- I love that idea, Will.
- Hmm.

Or I could just move in with you.

Oh.

Love is looking someone in the eyes

and saying "I love you, move in with me."

Yeah, I guess.

Oh.

Bad nut.

Grace, I'm asking you to move in with me.

Oh, I... oh.

Ah, I did it again. I moved too fast.

Why do I keep doing that?
What is wrong with me?

No, no, no, wait, wait!
There's nothing wrong with you.

No, you're great.
You... you... you're wonderful.

The reason we can't move in
together is... it's not you.

It's Grace.

You make me happy

and you're so good with Katie
and she adores you.

So what the hell, let's do this.

What's with the face?
Why isn't it a "yes" face?

I... I would. I mean, I would, but...

But what? What... what is it?

It's Will.

What about her?

Well, she's gone through
some stuff, you know?

She's kind of, um, well...

she's mentally unstable.

He's...

broke.

Completely broke.

What, how?

Gambling.

- How unstable?
- It's not good, McCoy.

Okay, that's what that sound is.

You know, upstairs, uh,

we all thought someone
played the maracas.

Isn't there, like,
another smaller maraca?

That would be this.

You're very musical.

Well, I've been playing for years.

Hello, 911?

Yes, uh, yes, I called three times!

Why isn't anybody here yet?

Did you just call me ma'am?

I am not a ma'am.

No, I am a man. I am not a ma'am.

Why would you think I was a woman?

Grace, can I talk to you?

Uh, sure. Come on in.

Don't say anything about the gambling.

Hey, sorry you guys.

Ow!

Please tell me that's a shell
and not a toenail.

Grace said the maid comes tomorrow

so we could throw whatever
we want on the floor.

He's the maid.

Look at us.

Just two working gals in the big city.

Punching in everyday around 2:00,

pushing papers till 3:30,

then taking the Rolls back to the manse,

sleeping 16 hours and then it's
time to make the donuts.

You're like my photo negative.

Hmm?

Ugh, God, it does not look like

we are getting out of here tonight.

Oh, honey, don't say that.

Girl, I just said it.

Honey.

Girl.

Honey.

Girl.

So, uh, can I talk to you for a moment?

Oh, I leave. That's how this works.

Mm-hmm.

Sorry, you know, I just have
a, uh, I have a problem.

Oh, I know.

I mean, I... I don't know.
Why would I know?

Oh, uh, forgot my wallet.

I might need it for, um...

no particular reason.

Certainly trust you.

It's so hot.

Why is it so hot in here?

Must be...

must be running out of oxygen.

There's no other explanation.

So...

Look, I... I need you to back me up

and... and don't ask any questions.

I told McCoy

that you're mentally
and emotionally unstable.

What? And he believed you?

Instantly.

He asked to move in with me

and I panicked.

Just... so just back me up
on this, please!

I'd do it for you.

Yeah, um, let's test that out.

I told Noah that you're an
out of control gambler.

Also a thief, but that's really
just to support the gambling.

Just...

Man, it's so hot.
I got to get out of here.

Think of a plan, Jack. Think of a plan.

Ooh, I got it!

Help!

What is going on with them?

What is going on with us?

Isn't this what we both wanted?

Yeah.

Then why didn't we say yes?

Maybe...

maybe we like things the way they are.

Yes, yes, we do.

We're in a really good place.
We're comfortable.

Comfortable, exactly.

You get to a certain age.

Forty-s...

Four.

And... and you want comfort.

And there's nothing wrong with that.

No, exactly.

So we'll just... we'll just
tell the men, who love us,

that we made up ridiculous lies

because we would rather
just live together.

Forever.

Or we could keep the lies going
for a little while,

buy us some time.

Now that's the kind
of short term thinking

we gamblers like to hear.

And I think it's just crazy
enough to work.

Good, that's good.

That's good. That's a good idea.

It's a great idea.

I'm just gonna say it, we're geniuses.

I'm gonna say it,
we're the better couple.

Will? No, it's me.

Will and Grace are doing
their Will and Grace thing.

I don't know where to be.

Wow, this place is really clean.

Where do you guys eat?

In the kitchen.

Hey, can I talk to you for a minute?

Yeah, have a seat.

So listen...

are these flannel sheets?

Yeah, they're really great on
a night like this.

I always wondered what they felt like.

Be my guest.

Don't feel weird,

I'm New York's most trusted newsman.

Yeah, all right.

- Oh, wow.
- Mm-hmm.

Ooh, that's cozy.

It's nice to be in a bed
where nothing crunches.

Hmm.

You have the most beautiful
skin I've ever seen.

You're like a super-hot baby.

I know, it's both a blessing and a...

actually, it's just a blessing.

So listen, uh, I just
want to put it out there.

I know where Will can get some help

for his gambling problem.

Gambling problem?

You don't have to cover for him, okay?

Grace told me.

Oh, Grace told you.

That must be so hard.

Is she off her meds again?

You mean Gas-X?

No, no, she took one tonight.

A little after the fact, but still.

No, I'm talking about
her anti-psychotics.

Will told me that she...

You know what?

I think we've been lied to.

Nah, I... I find that hard to believe.

Oh, sorry.

I think we've been lied to.

Oh, my God! We've been lied to!

This is the NYPD.

Oh, thank God!

Remain calm, ma'am. I'm coming down.

Wait, I know you.

Drew.

Jack?

So what if I make a little
more effort than Malcolm?

Are you saying that you've
never gone out of your way

for your man?

No, but to be fair my men are women.

Oh.

You're a vagiterian.

Question,

are you permanently parked
in the lesbian zone

or do you move your car
to alternate sides

of the street from time to time
for plowing?

This car is parked up on blocks

with 100 tickets on the windshield.

Boils my blood!

They still give tickets for being gay!

Karen, I don't mean to judge but...

look, if you're always taking
care of some guy,

who takes care of you?

Besides pharmacists?

I don't know, I guess most of my life,

I've taken care of myself.

Looks like we have more
in common than I thought.

Look, we know everything.
So no more lies.

Six months, you've been
telling me to take a leap,

open up, and when I finally do,
you lie to me?

I'm sorry, it's just...

No, you know what?
Any excuse you're about to say

I've used a thousand times, so save it.

Grace, make a choice.

We either move forward in
this relationship or we don't.

Same here. We either move
in together or we're done.

I'll do anything you want.
Don't leave me.

Am I making myself clear?!

Can Will and I just have a minute?

- Okay, one minute.
- Yeah, one minute!

Take your time. I'm not going anywhere.

One minute!

This whole comfortable thing
we came up with?

Complete crap.

We were just using
each other as an excuse.

So what? Do we...

do we go back there and say yes?

Seems kind of fast,
they gave us a minute.

We should probably
do stuff like... like this.

It's like we're balancing our options.

Okay, and... and... and then
I'll... I'll point to myself.

Uh-huh.

- Then I'll point to you.
- Mm-hmm.

Then I'll point to myself again.

And then I'll be, like,
"Why didn't I think of that?

Like why didn't that go in here?"

- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- That in here. That in here.

What do you think they're talking about?

Nothing.

Ready?

Uh, okay.

We made our decision.

We're moving in with you.

I feel so excited about this!

They're moving in with us!

Hey, here's an idea. How about we switch?

Oh, right.

This is so crazy.

So how have you been?

Yeah, I've been, you know, okay.

I've got to be honest with
you though, I've, um...

I never stopped thinking about you.

Well, of course.

You probably read the reviews

of my new show "Gaybraham Twinkin'."

"Timeout New York" said,

"Hopefully, the only gay
Abraham Lincoln musical

we'll ever see."

Jack, I... I... come here.

I made a huge mistake.

I should've never broken up with you.

Drew, I... I...

I'm getting married.

I mean, I was married when we first met.

Yeah, to a woman.

That doesn't count.

It's just a way to share health insurance

and double your wardrobe.

Tell me you haven't thought about me.

I have.

I've had this exact dream so many times!

Except we weren't in an elevator.

This isn't a dream.

You know, I'm here right now

and, uh...

my gay cop instincts are telling me

to charge you with intent to get frisky.

Tell me, Officer, what's the punishment

for aggravated hanky-panky?

Everything okay down there?

Yeah, yeah, um,

uh, yeah, no need for backup

and if you hear anything
that sounds like kissing,

it's, um...

it's probably not kissing.

So...

What do you say?

This... this doesn't mean
we're getting back together.

Okay.

Because I... I'm
not calling off my wedding.

Okay.

I'm just a man

towering over a smaller man

trying to listen to what his heart says.

What does his heart say?

His heart says...

Not to be this guy anymore.

What guy?

The guy that...

takes the first opportunity to cheat

when the perfect man drops from the sky.

I'm sorry, Drew.

No one can tempt me more than you.

You're a delicious, cocoa-sized
mini-marshmallow

but love has changed me.

I guess the men I've been with

feel like I can take care of myself.

Given some of my lovers, I've
had to take care of myself.

If you know what I'm talking about.

I do.

I'm talking about making
my Venus feel Serena.

Mm-hmm.

Did not see that one coming.

Well, but you know what they say,

in every relationship, there's
a gardener and a flower.

Guess I'm the gardener.

- Oh, come on.
- What?

You're a flower if I've ever seen one.

You think I'm a flower?

Definitely.

And you deserve to be taken care of.

Hey, it stopped snowing.

Uh, guess you can call your pilot.

I have never said that sentence before.

Yeah.

I guess I could,
but I don't think I will.

Why?

Because right now

I feel very taken care of.

Oh, girl.

Hey, scoot! Grace is coming over!

Of course, but when
she actually moves out,

she won't be here all the time, right?

It's cute that you'd ask that.

Hi!

Uh, in bed with gay guys.
If I had a nickel.

Why am I not surprised?

Climb in, Noah. It's so cozy.

Yeah, all right.