Will & Grace (1998–…): Season 10, Episode 14 - Supreme Courtship - full transcript

"Will & Grace" is recorded

in front of a live studio audience.

[laughing] You won't believe this.

Uh, happy Valentine's Day to you too.

No, I loved that text.

You look so good in those jeans.

[chuckles] Okay, bye.

- Your mom?
- No.

It was McCoy.

And he sent you flowers?

Oh, no, those are from my mom.



Oh. Okay, okay, buckle up.

Noah is Sylvia De La Croix.

What?

You're kidding me.

That is completely blowing...

But I don't know who that is.

What?

No, no, no, she's the writer
of those trashy romance novels,

"The Bodice Chronicles".

He's her. Noah is Sylvia.

- Noah writes romance novels?
- Yeah.

He's the least romantic
person in the world.

Oh, I know.

He wants to spend Valentine's Day



getting his dog's anal glands expressed.

[cell phone dings and buzzes]

- [elevator bell dings]
- Oh... oh, that's the elevator.

That's him. Okay, do not say anything.

- Hey.
- Hi.

Hey, buddy.

You told him.

Look, I'm not proud of it, okay?

But it pays the bills,
so can we please just keep this

between the three of us?

Sylvia De La Croix,
as I live and breathe.

Well, I texted him before I knew

I wasn't allowed to tell anyone.

Okay, great, your little group knows,

but can we please just keep it

between the four of us?

She burst into the decrepit flophouse,

one bosom heaving in anticipation,

the other frozen in disbelief.

I had to. You're her favorite author.

Karen, I wouldn't have pegged you

as a fan of romance novels...

or of reading.

I've always seen myself
in the character of Aurora.

Well, I actually just finished writing

the final book.

[glass shatters]

Huh? Wha... kwah?

What do you mean?

I'm done being part of the
romantic-industrial complex,

exploiting people's loneliness
for profit.

It's why I hate Valentine's Day.

Oh, Valentine's Day is the worst.

What? You love Valen...

[gibbering]

I'm killing her off.

[glass shatters]

Where did you get another martini glass?

It's my spare.

[upbeat trumpet and piano music]

♪ ♪

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com

You don't really need the tracksuits

to know what team you play on.

Go ask him.

Say, Will, Jack is working tomorrow,

and I know McCoy is out of town,

but I have two tickets to see
the guys from "Queer Eye"

doing "The Vagina Monologues,"

if you would like to go.

I can't, I'm sorry... busy.

Will would have loved to, yeah,

but he's got a funeral.

His aunt just died, you know,
the one he's named after,

because they're both
overweight spinsters.

Toodles.

Could you for once be a human being?

What?

You just invented my Aunt William

and then murdered her.

I had to.

You hurt the feelings of my male fiancé,

my "Boy-oncé," if you will.

I guess that makes you "Gay-Z."

Sorry, it was there.
Look, I don't wanna go.

Well, of course you don't,

because that would require you
to make an effort.

As it is, he already thinks
you're standoffish and aloof.

His words, not mine.

He also thinks you're a cold bitch.

My words, not his.

Jack, do us both a favor

and don't do that thing
that you're doing right now.

Oh... oh, what am I doing right now?

Being a screeching drama queen.

[screeching]
Why must you push my buttons?

Jack, just... just let my relationship

with Estefan evolve organically, okay?

Don't try to control it.
Don't come with up schemes.

Don't tell lies. Just let it be.

Well, I'll let it be if you promise

to make an effort with Estefan.

I will make an effort with Estefan

if you promise to let it be.

- Fine.
- Fine.

Hey... hug?

Sure.

I don't hug screeching drama queens.

[screeching] You're a fat monster!

Thanks again for coming in
to sign my books,

Grace's Boyfriend.

You can call me Noah.

This will be much easier
if I don't know your real name.

What will be easier?

Nothing.

Here are the books.

Now, is there anything I can do or say

or make Grace do sexually

to get you to not kill Aurora?

It's already done.

I just have to add
a few more "probing tongues"

and "throbbing manhoods"

and send in
the final manuscript tonight,

then wait for my Pulitzer.

So you haven't sent it in yet.

Then there is still time.

- Time for what?
- [gun cocking]

What the hell are you doing?

Aurora lives, or the laptop gets it.

♪ ♪

Taxi!

Taxi!

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

That's my cab, lady, sorry.

[grunts]

Getting my boyfriend a gift.

[camera clicking]

Not a Valentine's Day gift.

My boyfriend doesn't believe in that.

And neither do I, I guess.

Where you headed?

I don't know.

Things are good, but we're just
taking it one day at a time.

I meant where am I taking you to?

Oh, uh, 15th and Madison.

I'm getting him an antique pen
'cause he's a writer.

Oh, but he's good-looking.

I don't know what you were
picturing when I said "writer."

[cell phone ringtone playing]

Hey.

Hey, did you hear what happened?

Someone just attacked
Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

- It's all over Twitter.
- Oh, my God, is she okay?

- Twitter doesn't know.
- This is awful.

God, who did this?

Oh, please don't be someone Jewish.

No.

No, some woman on Riverside Drive

knocked her over, hopped in a cab.

Wow, fleeing the scene?

What a piece of sh...

Did you say Riverside Drive?

Yeah. I'll tell ya,
when they find this woman,

she won't be able to show her face

anywhere in this city.

Did they say what she looks like?

No, they I don't know,

just that she was wearing a beret

and eating a salad.

♪ ♪

Hurry up, Jack.

Hello, William.

How's it going?

It goes. It is also hanging well.

Um, awful what happened
to Ruth Bader Ginsburg, huh?

Yes, you know, I had her
on a flight back from Brazil.

She was very tiny.

She could be her own carry-on
and then fly for free.

[laughs]

But that would have been in violation

of international law.

Okay.

Hey, you know, Estefan,
just so you know,

I really do wanna spend
some time with you.

- Oh.
- You know, get to know each other.

Mm. Hello, tricep.

[both laugh]

Okay, hush puppy, let's go to brunch.

Something strange just happened.

Will was very sweet to me.
He touched my tricep.

I'm guessing the right one?
That's the good one.

Because it's the one I use
to point to the exits.

Did you tell him to be nice to me?

Because I specifically
asked you not to do that.

That would be humiliating.

Uh...

In my village, there is a clown

who performs in the square.

People pretend to like Bobo,

but everybody laughs at him
behind his back,

which is the worst
possible thing for a clown.

Don't make me the clown in the square.

Oh, Estefan, I...

I did nothing wrong.

Well, then there is only
one possibility.

We were alone together so he could show

his true feelings.

I think Will has a crush on me.

That's ridiculous.

Will doesn't have a crush on you.

You're not a woman with no boundaries.

Well, it's either that,
or you lied to me.

Oh, my God, Will has a crush on you.

♪ ♪

Still no update on Ruth Bader Ginsburg,

but onlookers describe her assailant

as a red-haired woman in her mid-60s.

- What?
- [elevator bell dings]

[scoffs]

Mrs. Timmer, can I help you?

I know it was you.

I don't know what you mean.

I know it was you.

I didn't mean to do it.

It's just that I haven't had
a boyfriend on Valentine's Day

for so long, and I just wanted
to get him something.

But in my defense, I had no idea

that it was Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

I thought I was just
pushing down a frail old woman.

Wait, you're the one who pushed down

Ruth Bader Ginsburg?

Yeah, you said you knew that.

No, I know you're the one who stole

my Fresh Direct salad from the lobby.

That was your crime.

You better go to her,
admit what you did,

and beg that tiny national
treasure for forgiveness.

You're right. Okay.

But you won't tell anybody
in the building, right?

Because they would hate me.

They're not so crazy about you now.

I hear things.

I say things too.

Please, please.

That's the only copy
of my manuscript, okay?

If you shoot my laptop,

there may never, ever be a final book.

Oh, I never thought of that.

But you can't quit.

You're the greatest romance novelist

since Danielle von St. Lorraine.

Yeah, that's my buddy Steve Metz.

Look, Karen, I appreciate

how so very passionate
you are about Aurora,

but these books take up
all of my time, okay?

I need to write a real novel again.

A real novel?

These are real novels to me!

Okay, what do you say we just, uh...

we... we put the gun down

and just talk, you know,

like we're people without guns?

Oh, I didn't even know
it was still in my hand.

That's so funny.

Don't worry, it's not even loaded.

[gun clicking]

- [chuckles]
- Good to know.

Yeah, I don't like guns.

Yeah, I could tell. I saw your face.

You were like, "Wah!" [laughs]

No, honey, this is the one
that's loaded.

- See?
- [gunshot]

Wha...

Okay, what... what do you, uh...
what do you say

I just take these guns and, uh...

and put them in this drawer...

with all the other guns?

What is this place?

Listen, can't you just

rewrite the ending,

let Aurora live?

I need her.

We've been through a lot
of hard times together,

especially this last year.

This is my first Valentine's
alone in a very long time.

I think Aurora always
finding love gives me hope

that I can too.

Karen, these books aren't about love.

Real love is sharing a bathroom
and suppressing your rage

and putting up with
the other person's damage.

All right, this crap's
ridiculous and embarrassing.

Being ridiculous and embarrassing

is what love is.

It's standing in front of someone with

a dumb drugstore balloon and saying,

"Here I am, fully exposed."

And you're afraid of that.

I'm not afraid of love, okay?

I'm a little afraid of you.

Oh, yeah?

Well, then ask yourself this:

why are you here with me
instead of being with Grace

on Valentine's Day?

Besides the ten guns?

Because Grace doesn't care

about any of that Valentine's stuff.

Oh, come on, she acts that way

because she loves you.

But inside, she's as soft and squishy

as a bird in a microwave.

Oh, yes, that old saying.

You're blowing Grace off today

for the same reason
that you're killing Aurora:

because embracing romance
makes you feel foolish.

Huh, that was actually
kind of insightful.

Well, I had a maid who had
a master's in psychology

from her home country.

Brilliant woman,
but her swan napkins were crap,

so... [blows raspberry]

♪ ♪

Okay, listen to me.

Estefan's right behind me,

so no time for questions.

You have a crush on him.

It explains why you've been
such an ice queen.

What? I have a crush on him?

You'll admit it.
I'll say, "Get over it."

You'll tearfully promise to change.

Problem solved.

So you actually want me
to pretend to be into Estefan?

Yes.

Well, then I will pretend

to be into Estefan.

Don't know why
you're saying it like that,

but I appreciate it.

Will, is there something,
perhaps, we need to talk about?

You know what? There is.

I'm embarrassed to say this
in front of Jack, but, um...

I have feelings for you.

[sighs]

I always wondered why there was

a painting of me on the wall.

Yes, yes, and I... and I know

there's nothing I can do about it.

I just have to learn
to live in a constant state

of tortured, unexpressed longing.

Yep, that's pretty sad. Let's go.

Or is there a way
to diffuse the tension,

to quench the desire?

Uh, there is not.

Jack, this is your best friend.

How do we deal with
Will's unfulfilled desire?

He'll do what he always does
with his unfulfilled desire...

go to his room and Google pictures

of Barack Obama windsurfing.

That won't work this time.

I think the only way to deal
with these feelings

is for me to share
a passionate kiss with Estefan.

For who to kiss how with Este-what?

Yes, this makes perfect sense.

Sexual tension will always exist

in the prelude to a kiss.

Once you have the kiss...

[smooches] It is gone.

Yes.

It's like when you're at Panda Express

and it all smells so good
and you just want everything

and then after one bite,
you never, ever want

that taste in your mouth again.

So in order for Will to release me,

he must have me in his mouth once.

That's beautifully said.

Um, no bueno, señoritas.

I'm not gonna stand here
and watch you two kiss.

You're right. You're right.

- That would be super inappropriate.
- Exactly.

Let's go to my bedroom,
where Jack can't see it

and has to fill in the details
with his imagination.

If that is the only way
to save my marriage.

Stop it!

I lied, okay? I lied. I lied.

Will doesn't have feelings for you.

I did ask him to be nice,
and the whole thing blew up.

[sighs]

You lied to me?

Jack, this is exactly
what I asked you not to do.

Okay, until further notice,

there is going to be a velvet rope

in front of my first-class area.

- [sighs]
- Hey, happy Valentine's Day.

Valentine's Day sucks.

It's a dumb holiday
that only leads to sadness

and the possible fall of democracy.

I get it. You're single.

I'm not... [scoffs]

Forget it.

Mount Sinai Hospital.

Going to see Ruth Bader Ginsburg,

'cause I'm a good person,

no matter what everyone's saying.

You're certainly better
than that piece of crap

that knocked her to the ground.

Oh, here's an update.

Going to Justice Ginsburg live now,

who's going to give a statement.

Hello, everyone.

I want you to know I'm okay

and I'm headed back to D.C.

Oh, thank God.

And to my so-called assailant,

I forgive you.

I've been a New Yorker my whole life,

and when it comes to cabs,
it's every woman for herself.

I know.

Plus, you were rushing to get

a Valentine's Day gift.

I was.

I know what it means to love someone

and the crazy things
we do sometimes to show it.

I do wanna show him I love him, Ruth.

15th and Madison.

I'm gonna get my boyfriend
a Valentine's Day gift,

because even if he doesn't
believe in romance,

I do.

Aw, that's sweet.

And when you say "boyfriend,"
you really mean "cat," right?

No.

♪ ♪

Estefan said I should come over

and make things right with you,
so I was like...

[mumbling]

I told him, "You're not the boss of me."

And then he showed me the wheel,

which said this week,
he is, in fact, the boss of me.

Please never tell me
what else is on that wheel.

I guess this is the part
where I say things.

- Yep.
- [sighs]

Okay.

Can you tell me what they are?

I think you know.

[sighs]

Okay.

I'm a liar and a schemer
and a great big drama queen.

And?

And you're attractive

in certain light.

And?

And I know your hair is real.

- And?
- I'm not gonna say it.

- Say it.
- [sighs]

Fine.

I weigh more than you.

This is the worst Valentine's Day ever.

Jack, I just wanted you to admit

that you're a liar and a schemer

and a big drama queen.

That's the first thing I said.

Yes, but if I'd stopped you,

we'd never have gotten
to the essential truth

that my body's better than yours.

But your enormous lollipop head

throws off all your proportions.

You just don't look right.

- Jack.
- What?

I promise to make more of an effort

to be friends with Estefan.

I love you. He makes you happy.

Hence I love him.

[chuckles]

Actually, that's really nice.

Would you write our vows?

- I'd be honored.
- Okay.

But you have to tell people I wrote them

and get really jealous
in front of all the guests

because I'm a better writer than you.

"Why can't I be as smart as Jack?"

Ha-ha! I've learned nothing!

♪ ♪

Here it is, the new ending.

Aurora lives.

She seduces Cowboy Nick,

who unties her from the nuclear warhead.

It was either that
or do something stupid.

Thank you.

And quit using Aurora as an excuse.

You have plenty of time to write

important books that no one will read.

I guess.

Yeah, maybe I had been blaming this gig

on not writing my second novel.

Mm.

You know, part of me thinks it's bec...

Ah-bup-bup-bup-bup.

Not your therapist.

Now, quit your yapping
and get out of here

while it's still Valentine's Day.

That's right. It's not over yet.

It's not too late.

Who are you, anyway?

What do you mean?

Are you the crazy woman
who holds a gun to my laptop,

or are you the sanest woman
I've ever met?

Oh, honey,

can't I just be someone
who's bored of this?

"As Aurora stepped out onto the ledge,

"her dress billowing
in the hot Arabian winds,

"she felt a calm wash over her.

"And in that moment, she realized

"that jumping off that building

"wouldn't be half as scary

as allowing herself to fall in love."

[tender music]

Happy Valentine's Day.

Happy Valentine's Day.

"But the thing that scares you most

"will be the thing that sets you free.

"And with a small secret smile,

"she stepped back off the ledge

and into the arms of her one true love."

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com