Will & Grace (1998–…): Season 10, Episode 10 - Dead Man Texting - full transcript

"Will & Grace" is recorded

in front of a live studio audience.

Okay, obviously it's a big day tomorrow.

Hm?

And I don't know what you
have planned for my birthday...

Uh.

But we have to postpone.

Aw.

Oh, it was good, wasn't it?

Did you get me something really good?

- We did but we could just...
- Get our deposit back on the...



- Massage chair.
- Unicorn.

A unicorn massage chair?

I thought those got recalled
because of the lawsuits.

You guys, that is genius.
You guys are the best.

But I've got problems...

that even a unicorn massage
chair couldn't solve.

It's Karen and Estefan.
They hate each other.

Wait, since when?

She called him the one thing

you can never call a flight attendant...

A sky waitress.

And he called her the one thing

you can never call Karen Walker,

a hag.



Sure, it's okay to say it to some...

Why are you looking at me?

Because you're my hag.

When did we stop
using the word "friends"?

Okay, fine. You're my friend's hag.

Anyway, luckily, Estefan is
working the LaGuardia/Paris,

Paris/Hong Kong, Hong Kong/
Sydney, Sydney/Fiji,

Fiji/Dallas, Dallas/Des Moines,
Des Moines/LaGuardia

leg this week,

so Karen has me all
to herself for my birthday.

Oh, can't you guys just talk it out?

Oh, no, they can't even
be in the same room together.

They're like Peanut Butter and Chocolate.

Those two dogs downstairs
who hate each other.

Fortunately I can keep them
separate with my new app.

It beeps whenever either one of
them is within 100 feet of me.

See?

Oh, look, there's Karen. Twenty feet.

Fifteen feet.

Twenty feet?

Ah, she forgot which apartment
you're in again.

Karen, it's 9C.

Oh, hi, kids.

Oh, I like the new place.

Poodle, I just ordered
your birthday present

and I think you're going to love it.

I hope it's not a unicorn massage chair,

because that's what they got me.

A unicorn massage chair...

that's ridiculous.

Does yours talk?

Stop making a fist.

Everything all right?

You're usually so much
smarter than a toddler.

I just found out that
the head of my department

isn't going to approve me for
a full time teaching position.

He's got this idea in his head that

I'm some rich corporate lawyer
that just wants to teach

because it sounds good
at cocktail parties.

Well, you do bring it up
a lot at cocktail parties.

I'm tired of talking
about gluten and Putin.

You know, one thing that I've learned

since I've entered
the world of politics...

You are not in the world of politics.

I'm running for president of
the New York society

of interior designers.

Are you saying that's not politics?

I believe I just did.

It's politics.

And I learned that it all comes
down to changing perceptions.

So this guy thinks that
you're uptight and robotic.

I never said that. He never said that.

No one ever said that.

I never said that.

He never said that.
Nobody ever said that.

Will, you have got to humanize yourself.

Invite this guy over for dinner.

Be vulnerable. And whenever you can, cry.

I'm not gonna cry,
but dinner is not a bad idea.

Give me some one-on-one time.

You know, let him know how
serious I am about teaching.

Great, and when that does nothing,

tell him about how you killed your dog

and then cry like a baby.

I did not kill Belvedere.

He ran into the road after a squirrel.

Did the squirrel leave the door open?

First of all, I was seven.

Second of all, I was
airing out the living room

after hot gluing
rosettes to a table skirt.

How did you not come out until college?

I still can't believe you
got us into the Lily Pond...

New York's premiere
pond-themed restaurant.

Stan and I used to
come here all the time.

After we split up,
I got all the restaurants

with a Michelin star

and he got all the ones
with the word "bucket" in it.

Okay, honey, BRB, I'm gonna go
powder the inside of my nose.

Wait, why is... oh, no.

Hello, my sweet churrito. I found you.

What are you doing here?
I thought you were working.

Well, Jack, I couldn't
miss your birthday.

So I asked Silvio to work my
Paris/Hong Kong,

Hong Kong/Sydney,
Sydney/Fiji, Fiji/Dallas,

Dallas/Des Moines, Des
Moines/LaGuardia leg.

And in return, I will work
his Trenton to Cincinnati

Cincinnati to Trenton,
Trenton to Cincinnati.

Wait, why are there two plates here?

Oh, uh, because every birthday

I set a plate for Cher.

One day she will come back to me.

You have to believe.

Oh, wait, on second thought,

Cher won't like the lighting there.

Yeah, she likes it dark-lit, oh.

And I looked out
at the class and I realized,

wow, I really am changing
these student's lives.

That's when I knew teaching was for me.

So you didn't know you wanted to teach

until you were already doing it?

What I meant was that was
the moment it solidified.

So it was more of
an afterthought than a calling

like it is for so many of us.

I wouldn't say it was never a calling.

You know who never came a-calling?

Will's dog, Belvedere.

Go.

I don't think this is the time...

Left the door open. Cement truck. Splat.

Never saw it coming.

Belvedere.

Can you bring me a couple of
menus for that table?

I'll be sitting at both.

Long story, but the two people I'm dining

with can't know the other one is here.

They'd hate each other.
I know, it's so cliché.

You don't remember me, do you?

Oh, of course I do.

Give me a clue.

I'm Rex. We went out last year.

Little more.

We slept together.

You said you'd call and you never did.

Yeah, I'm gonna need
a little more than that.

We went to my parent's
house for Christmas.

Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed.

Would you ever forgive me, Johnny?

I already said my name was Rex.

Yeah, I'm in the middle
of a thing, Johnny.

Sorry, can't talk right now.

I think what she's trying to
say is that through adversity

I've learned that what
I really want to do

is make a difference in people's lives.

You know where else Will felt different?

Tell him about the chin-up
contest in the red jazz shoes.

Grace.

As an African-American man,
I can appreciate

you've had obstacles to overcome...

like doing chin-ups in red shoes.

Excuse me, this is my wife.

What the hell are you doing?

I am trying to help you
make a good impression.

Oh, right, because who better
to teach contract law

than a guy who kills dogs
and wears Capezios.

I know, I could pull out
one of your nose hairs.

Good luck finding one.

And no, I am not going to cry, Grace.

I can turn this around.
I just need more time with him.

- Professor Rice?
- Oh, my God.

Are you okay?

I don't know if he's breathing.
Check his pulse.

Go, do it!

Will. I think he's dead.

Oh, no.

You Belvedere'd him.

Honey, sorry it took me so long.

A woman was choking in the bathroom.

Took me forever to get around her.

Wait, wait, wait.

No, don't sit there, don't sit there.

You'd be sitting next to

a table full of office gals
sharing appetizers.

Ugh, the worst.

It's wine-o-clock.

Happy hump day.

Oh, honey, I'm so glad
it's just the two of us.

And I am also so glad
it's just the two of us

because why would there be more than two?

Who would that third person even be?

I've gotta pee.

Thank you.

Okay, the ambulance is on its way.

I can't believe this is happening.

I know. Wait, wait, wait,
what about his wife?

We have to call her.
Get his phone from inside his jacket.

Ew, no. Why should I do it?

Your fingerprints are all over him.

Why drag me down with you?

I don't have a motive, you do.

Ugh, I can't believe a man
just died in our apartment.

You see, that kind of emotion

could have been a little
helpful a little earlier.

I am so happy that it's
just the two of us tonight.

And I am also so glad it's
just the two of us tonight

because why would there be more than two?

I mean, who would that
third person even be?

You have to pee.

I do? I do.

I'll lift up his jacket and
you grab it with the ice tongs.

- Ugh, so creepy, so creepy...
- Ugh, I hate this...

- I hate this, I hate this.
- So creepy.

Okay, I got it. I got it.

Dead guy's phone.

Okay, sorry, I'm having
such a good time tonight

and I hope it never ends.

Should I call us a Lyft?

What? No, it's present time.

I didn't have time to wrap it,

so I just stuffed it between my boobs.

Oh, okay.

Off the rack. Wow.

Oh, Karen, I love it. Thank you so much.

This one tells the minutes,
but this one...

Karen, I know how to tell time.

Wait, where are Mickey's gloves?

Oh, there's a text.

"Henry, what's your decision
on Will Truman?"

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

- Grace, we can't.
- But we could.

- You're insane.
- And he's dead.

So we could.

- Grace.
- Okay, look, look.

All we have to do is reply with a text

saying that he recommends
you for the job.

We can't.

Can we?

Oh, thank you, lover.

I had not relieved myself since Dubai.

So before you open your present... okay.

It's an ascot.

You can imagine
it is my small silken hands

caressing your neck
and gently choking you.

I love it, I love it.

I'm gonna go walk around...
see how it catches the light.

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

Not now!

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday, dear Jack ♪

What part of "shh" do you not understand?

Honey, your cake is here.

Chorizo, your cake is here.

Her.

Her.

Okay, send the text, put the phone back,

and then we'll go back to being people

who don't do things to dead people.

It's locked.

We need his thumb to open it.

- Okay, fine.
- Where are you going?

To get the kitchen shears.

Five seconds ago,
you wouldn't touch a dead body.

Now you want to dismember him?

Just the thumb.

Ugh.

Damn it, it only unlocks
with a retina scan.

We couldn't. That crosses a line.

Will, we're going to hell.
It doesn't matter what level.

You pry open his eyelid.

I'll press the phone to his face.

I've got a better idea.

You want me to get the melon baller?

No, Hannibal. You pry open his eye.

- Oh, man up, Mary.
- Okay, okay.

Got it. I'm in.

- "It's a yes on Will Truman."
- Perfect.

"And let's donate to
Grace Adler's campaign."

Did you actually just type that?

No, it's called gallows humor, Will.

Delete, delete, delete, delete.

Ambulance will be here soon. Poor guy.

At least one good thing
will come out of this.

- You get to keep your promotion.
- Yeah, that's true.

And then we can just put
this whole nightmare behind...

Ahh!

You're alive.

Oh, no, did I pass out?
It happens sometimes.

My blood pressure drops
dangerously low and...

I'm fine.

Little embarrassed, but I'm fine.

I just need to splash
cold water on my face.

- You realize what this means?
- Yes.

We just witnessed a man
coming back from the dead.

He was never dead.

Then I don't realize what this means.

My phone...

Oh.

You didn't tell me
your Mexican jumping queen

was gonna be here.

And you did not tell me
you invited this withered wino.

Tapas-whoseabottomus.

Gin mummy.

Okay, enough, you guys. Enough.

Stop it. Sit down.

Sit!

It is my birthday.

Can't you just get along for me?

Damn it, I should have wished that.

But I do want to be invisible.

No, I said it out loud!

That's why you can see me.

The point is, I want you two
to stop acting like children.

She's the one who started it.

Shut your paella-hole, sky waitress.

I will not, you hag.

There is only one person who
is allowed to call me a hag

and you certainly don't look
like Madeleine Albright.

You can't be doing this.

Neither of you is wearing
waterproof mascara.

You're going down, chimichanga.

You guys, people are starting to notice.

I got you, Karen. I got you.

I'm sorry, the three of you
are going to have

to get out of the lily pond.

But there's only two
people in the lily pond.

You checked his pulse.
You said he was dead.

I did the thing they do on "SVU."

I picked up his wrist
and I said, "He's dead."

He's gonna know we used his phone.

What am I going to do?

Okay, okay, okay.

How about we accuse him of
doing exactly what we did

to confuse him? It works in politics.

That's the dumbest idea I ever heard.

Did you send a text from my phone

when you thought I was dead?

No, you sent a text from our phones

when you thought we were dead.

What?

There was a text on my phone
that I did not send,

offering a full-time position to you

and a campaign contribution to you.

If you donate more than $50,
you get a free tote.

- I know this looks bad.
- Wait.

How did you bypass the optical scanner?

Oh, my God. Did you pull back my eyelid?

Yes, I did. I did.
And... and I know that's bad.

That was bad.

But in Will's defense...

Go ahead.

Go ahead, Will.

That's how far I'd go to keep this job.

I see.

You're fired, obviously.

Good night.

Uh, Professor Rice, just wait.

Look, for... for what it's worth...

I've felt more in love with the law

these last few months teaching

than I-I did in 20 years
as a practicing lawyer.

And I... that's more personal,
I guess, than I realized.

I wouldn't do it if I didn't
passionately believe

that it was the right thing to do.

Are you crying?

No, I'm sorry. I just, it's, uh...

It means a lot to me.

I didn't realize you felt
so deeply, Truman.

I've got to admit, I thought you were...

Uptight and robotic?

I wasn't going to use
either of those words.

Others have, but go on.

I guess I was wrong about you.

It seems you do care about teaching.

All right, Truman.

Maybe I'm still a little lightheaded,

but I'm willing to
give you a second chance.

Thank you, professor.
I will not disappoint you.

Don't.

And in return, I trust
you will be discreet

about my little incident.

What little incident?

Oh, he's talking about when he passed out

and then we thought that... oh.

I'll see you tomorrow.
Jazz shoes optional.

Nice fake tears.

I told you it would work.

Yeah, pretending to cry was a great idea.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

Aren't you glad we didn't
melon ball his eyes out?

I'm sorry, Jack.

Yeah.

He's sorry.

Stop it!

Do you realize how much
this fighting hurts me?

Si.

And how does that make you feel?

Sorry.

And if Karen hadn't paid them off,

what do you think the
restaurant would have done?

Sue.

Exactly. Now I'm going to talk to Karen.

You go in there and make
yourself look pretty.

I wanna live stream.

Come on, Karen.

You're not mad at that whole hag thing.

- What's going on?
- Nothing.

Go flip your Spanish omelet.

Stop it. It's my birthday.

Yeah, well, now you've got someone else

to share your birthdays with.

O...

M...

God.

You're afraid of losing me.

I ain't afraid of nothing.

Okay. I guess I'm wrong.

I need you in my life.

Karen.

Me getting married isn't going
to ruin anything between us.

- It will.
- It won't.

You're not losing a homo.

You're gaining a homo.

You know, you're right.

Now I'll have one to play
with when you're in the wash.

Okay, all right, honey.

You got someone waiting for you.

I'll see you later.

Oh, wait, Karen. Do you want to come in

and run the camera for the live stream?

Yeah, I'd like that.
Happy birthday, Jack.