Will & Grace (1998–…): Season 1, Episode 11 - Will on Ice - full transcript

- Good morning.
- Bad morning.

I just found a gray chest hair.
It's so depressing.

I went to bed young,
I woke up Ari Onassis.

( speaking with Greek accent )
Jackie! Get on the boat!

- I'm gonna have to see it.
- Later, when I'm less vulnerable.

- Will, it's one chest hair.
- I only have seven.

I don't like those odds.

Listen to me, Pops.
This isn't about the chest hair.

It's about your birthday next week.

No, it's about the chest hair.

Okay, 90% chest hair, 10% birthday.



70% birthday,
30% chest hair.

- 80-20.
- 60-40.

50-50's my final offer.

Sold to the alte cacher
in the kitchen.

What do you want to do this year?
I want you to have a fun birthday.

Grace, you know me. I've never
really been that into birthdays.

That's not true.
I've seen all your home movies.

You've had some fun birthdays.

Remember the one where your
brothers dressed you up

in your mom's clothes?
That seemed like a fun birthday.

That wasn't a birthday.
That was like a Thursday.

So glad my dad
captured that one on film.

The only worse thing on film
was my eighth birthday party.

You didn't see this one.



I really wanted a cowboy party,
you know, like a cowboy cake?

I really loved cowboys.
Still do, by the way.

You don't have to tell me.
I've seen the magazines.

But no, no, no.
My mom gave me a clown party.

Ugh. I hate clowns.
They think they're so funny.

I just fake-smiled my way
through the whole thing,

and then when I realized there
wasn't gonna be a cowboy cake,

I snuck up to my room, and hid.

Oh, Will. That's so--

"Party Of Five."

What do you want to do this year?

Let's go to a restaurant.

Nothing big, something mellow.
You, me, and Jack.

- What was that?
- Nothing.

- You made a face.
- Face?

Hello? I'm standing right here
within face viewing range.

Okay, I don't think Jack likes me.

What are you talking about?
Jack loves you.

No, Jack loves you.
I came along with the deal.

You're the hamburger,
and I'm that little cup of coleslaw.

You don't order it,
but there it is on the plate.

Gracie, all I want for my birthday

is for you and Jack to get along.

Deal.
Let me see it.

- Could be worse.
- How? How could it be worse?

Oh, come on, Grace!
I'm eating breakfast!

I need you to make a decision for me
and I need you to make it now.

Don't have the sex change.
They never work out.

- Jack: Say you're sorry.
- Sorry.

Okay, I've narrowed
your birthday festivities

down to a couple of choices.
Pick one,

- drinks and dancing at The Spear.
- Oh, no.

No, that bar is pure skank.
It's no place to spend my birthday.

It's more like a place
to spend your birthday.

Vicious, party of one.
Vicious, party of one.

Okay, second-- and this
is the one I'm really pulling for--

you and me on
a gay singles weekend cruise.

Kind of a cruise... to cruise.

That's where I want to be,

on a boat,
in the middle of the ocean,

surrounded by
a 1000 lonely seasick queens

weeping into their guacamole.

All right. You know what, that's it.
I'm done trying.

Make your own kind of music,
sing your own special song.

Jack, don't make a big deal.

All I want is a nice little dinner,
just you, me and Grace.

What's that?
What's with the face?

I don't like Grace.

What are you talking about?
You like Grace.

I don't know, I'm sort of
not into her right now.

Sort of not into her?

She's a person,
not tandoori chicken.

What's the problem?

Ever since she's moved in,
I never get any me time.

Oh, Jack.

All your time is me time.

Can you try to make a little more
effort with Grace, please?

Fine, but for the record,
I've made an effort.

Do you think I actually enjoy
debating velvet versus velour?

- You love that stuff.
- Hey, I'm not that gay.

Yes, you are.

It's good coffee, hm-mm?

Really good.

Grace, Jack hates
flavored coffees, too.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Jack, so do l.

Will just told me that a minute ago.

You know, guys,
my birthday's not for a week.

Let's save some
of the merriment till then, huh?

I know what we can do.

Let's get "Entertainment Weekly,"
and play my favorite new game,

- "Love Her, Hate Him."
- I'm gonna watch TV.

You're gonna be missing out.
It's a fun game, Jack.

I know it's fun. I invented it.

- You hamburger, me coleslaw.
- Come on, Gracie.

It's your turn to be the official
page turner-slash-pointer.

Okay.

- Jada Pinkett.
- Hm-mm.

- Hate her.
- Wow, that's kinda harsh.

- She's not really--
- Will, you know the rules,

Iove or hate.
No gray area, just like life.

- Hate her.
- Good boy.

This is a fun Friday night.

Love her.
Love, love, love her.

- Who is it?
- Are you serious?

- It's Michelle Kwan.
- Who? Michelle who?

Michelle Kwan, figure skater,
Olympic silver medalist?

Goddess on ice.

- You like Michelle Kwan?
- I love her.

So do l!

- She was so robbed at the Olympics!
- Tell me about it.

She's a billion times
better than Tara Lipinski.

Don't even get me started
with that little witch.

- She's cocky.
- The cockiest.

- Almost as cocky as Surya Bonaly.
- Oh my God!

- The best! Surya Bonaly!
- Who?

- Both: Surya Bonaly!
- Jack: She's French.

- She's powerful.
- She's black.

She wears blue eyeshadow,
and does illegal backflips.

She scares me.

I crave her.

- Want a cookie?
- Yeah.

Look at you two, huh?
I knew you guys would connect.

Just didn't think it would be over
something as lame as ice skating.

Excuse me?

Yeah, excuse me?

What's so lame about ice skating?

Oh, everything.

With the sappy music,
the chiffon costumes.

They put little matching fabric
booties over their blades.

Grace, I can't believe
you're into it.

Oh, but you can believe I'm into it?

Hi, this is Grace Adler
of Grace Adler Designs.

I'd like a dinner reservation
for three on Tuesday.

It's my best friend's birth--

all booked up?

Would it make a difference
if I told you my best friend

was Demi Moore?

Believe me, I'm not
crazy about her, either.

Okay, bye.

Hi, honey.

Oh, look who's back from lunch
just in time for dinner.

Oh, honey, don't tell me.
Tell those slow waiters at Barney's.

What happened? What went on?
Who stopped by? What did I miss?

Well, I spent most of
the afternoon trying to get a table

at a good restaurant
for Will's birthday.

Honey, did you try Balthazar?

Karen, Steak and Brew are
spitting at me through the phone.

How would get a table there?

Grace, I am your assistant.

- I may not be a whiz at the--
- Computer.

- --or know how to work the--
- Fax.

but, honey, I do know how
to get where I need to be.

- Now, hand me the--
- Phone.

I would have gotten that one.

Honey, what's this?

Yeah, who's this? Uh-huh,
well, get me Leant?.

Tell him it's Karen Walker.

Okay, I'm starting to get it.

Oh, yeah, hi, honey.

Listen to me, I need your best
table for dinner on--

- Tuesday.
- --Tuesday.

- 9:00.
- 9:00.

- Three people.
- Well, thank you, honey,

I would love to come.

- Three.
- Oh, oh, no. No, wait.

- Will just wanted to have--
- Problem, honey?

Make it four.

Will's friend Jack
may come along, as well.

Oh, fun. Make it four.

Uh-huh. You, too.
Gotta go.

Yeah. Leant?, honey, I'm busy.

The French,

stinky and blah-hh.

Put down the sports page and listen.

You're only looking
at the pictures anyway.

That is not true.
Hey, I'm a sports fan.

I'm a sport-- Iook here,
it says right here

that the Steelers lost
by 17 points to--

to these big guys with the big arms.

Guess where we are
having dinner on your birthday?

- Gracie, I don't care where we--
- Balthazar.

Wow, caring a little more.

Great food, cute waiters,
the oysters you love!

I love the oysters I love.
How did you get us in?

Karen. That's why
she has to come along with us.

What? What's with the face?

- Face?
- Hello?

I'm standing right here
within face viewing range.

Karen?

I don't really have
anything in common with Karen.

I'll cancel.

What am I saying?
It's Balthazar.

It'll be great.

Cute waiters serving
the oysters you love.

You suppose I can get the oysters
to serve the cute waiters I love?

Smell this. Is it bad?

It's got 12 more hours.

- How can you know that?
- It's a gift.

You are so gonna be loving me.

You, me, Will, Karen. Madison
Square Garden: Champions On lce.

- No.
- Yes.

- No!
- Yes!

Oh my God!
Champions On lce!

Oh my God!
I've always wanted to go!

- No!
- Yes!

How much are you loving me right
now?!

A lot! When?! When?!
When are we gonna do this?!

- Tuesday night.
- When are we-- oh my God!

- Tuesday night!
- Yeah.

Oh my God. Oh my God.

No. No, wait.

No, it's-- No.

We can't go Tuesday night.
It's Will's birthday.

Oh. He doesn't care.

He just wants us to get along.

Plus it's a chance
to see Rudy Galindo in tights.

No. I don't want to force Will to
do something he doesn't want to do.

Grace, we can go. I don't care.

No, sweetie, it's okay.
It's not that big a deal.

Not that big a deal?
You just jumped into Jack's arms.

The last time a woman did that--
a woman has never done that.

Really, Will?

You're sure? Then we can
go to Balthazar's right after?

Oh my God. Thank you.

Thank you, thank you.

- You're sure?
- Yes! Yes, we're going.

You, me, Jack, Karen.
The lce Capades!

- Both: Champions On lce.
- Sorry.

This is a far cry from Balthazar.

Who do I have to tip to get out?

Move! Legs, legs! Move!

I'm here.
I can't believe I'm here.

It's all so wonderful.

Pace yourself, Dorothy.
It's the Zamboni machine.

Where's the popcorn guy?

If we're not gonna eat
for two hours, I need popcorn.

Well, happy birthday.

Thanks.

Here we are.

Yup, here we are.

Happy b--
oh, we covered that.

So, how old are you?

How old are you?

Grace, honey!
How are we doing over there?

I'm doing great.
Will, you okay? Can you see?

Much as I need to.

I don't want to get too close,
I might get sequin blindness.

Hey! It's a sport!
People win medals, huh?

I'd like to see you do a double
axel, double loop, double lutz,

Mr. Man.

Oh, there he is.

- Popcorn!
- Lord, look at these people.

Losers!

Not you.

Karen, you brought champagne?

What are you doing?
You don't drink at Champions On lce.

Honey, don't think
of it as drinking.

Think of it as
Mommy's little cotton candy.

Will, you don't look
like you're having fun.

What are you talking about?
I'm having a great time.

Champions On lce.

Woo! Let's kick some butt!

What? You said it was a sport.

Will, honey, maybe a couple
of belts of champagne

will create the illusion
that you're having fun.

Excuse me. I'm fine. Really,
I just want a little popcorn.

- ( Olympic anthem plays )
- Hey, popcorn!

Oh my God.

- I'm getting chills.
- Will: Here he comes.

Hey! Excuse me!

He didn't hear me.

Honey, I don't care.

Announcer: Ladies
and gentlemen, boys and girls,

please welcome
the Champions On lce!

There they are,
skating in the dark.

- I think I see Surya.
- Don't tease me.

Two-time Olympic
silver medalist Elvis Stojko!

Hey! Popcorn!

Look at him!

You wear those leather pants, Elvis!

And United States Champion
Rudy Galindo!

Hey!

He's my hero!
He's the gay one!

One?

Up here, Rudy!

Will, you don't seem like
you're into this ice crap either.

Not particularly,

but Grace and Jack
love it so much,

I just wanted them
to have a good time.

But, honey, it's your birthday.

- How about now?
- Okay, now.

Yup, we get it, Surya.
You can skate.

How much longer is Champions On lce?

You mean Endless On lce?

Pretty soon, I'd better be
looking at some oysters on ice.

I am starving.

Skate faster!
We have reservations!

You're hating this, aren't you?
Do you want to just go?

No, no, no.
You guys are having fun.

That's all I want.
That and maybe a little popcorn!

Are you sure?
'Cause if you're not, then--

What?! What?!
What, did I miss a backflip?!

No, no, no.
Triple toe, double loop.

No flip yet.
Maybe she won't do it.

No, she's gonna do it.

She didn't come all the way
from France to not flip.

- Vendor: Popcorn!
- Yes, popcorn!

I've been calling you
for like an hour.

So you were the one.

I thought it was the 49,000 other
people that are in here.

You don't have any brie
and crackers in that thing, do you?

I'm warming your
brie right now, lady.

- Vendors.
- Oh, this is like ancient.

It's typical.
My birthday.

Can't get what I want.
Never do.

One year, I wanted
this cool red fire engine.

My mother got me a Water Wiggle.

Decided it'd be more fun
to slip and slide.

More fun for who?

Backflip, backflip.

- God, she faked us out.
- Hello!

You just knocked
the popcorn out of my hand!

I'm sorry, honey.
I'll get you another one.

- Popcorn!
- I don't want another popcorn!

- I want that popcorn!
- Popcorn!

Grace, Grace,
she's gonna do it.

Took me two hours
to get that guy's attention.

- Jack: Grace, just--
- It is my birthday.

You'd think I could get
a little attention on my birthday!

- Will?
- Grace, Grace--

Uh-huh, oh, yeah,
uh-huh, oh, yeah.

Okay, and where did her legs go?
Over her head!

Okay, you have to admit
that that was pretty da--

Will?

- Where did Will go?
- Oh, he left, honey.

He left?

What, are you insane?
You're gonna miss Rudy.

Honey, where are you going?

Don't leave me here
with these ice freaks!

Honey, this shirt on you is heaven.

Grace: Will?

Will?

All right, so I think
I've got it now.

When I ask and you say okay,
and then I ask and you say okay,

and then I ask and you say okay,
it's really a cue to me to know

that it's not okay.

You see how easy it is?

All right, just so we're clear.

- You're insane.
- I must be.

Every year, I end up doing
what I don't want to do

in order to make
everybody else happy.

I'm still an eight-year-old--

an eight-year-old
with gray chest hair.

One.

One gray chest hair.

Actually, none.
I tweezed it this morning.

It was taunting me.

Jack: Hello?

Hello?

Hi, guys.

Yeah, I just came by to get my--
oh, here it is--

"Entertainment Weekly" magazine.

Oh my God, what is that?

A Rudy Galindo autograph?

Well, I'll be a rat's ass.
How did that get there?

What'd you do, sign it yourself?.

Didn't have to.

- Should I wait downstairs or what?
- Grace: Oh my God. Rudy Galindo.

Rudy and I are gonna
go for coffee and--

Oh, happy birthday.
He does not look 46.

Lotta work.

Well, another memorable
birthday for the books.

- Goodnight.
- Excuse me, mister.

Your birthday's not over yet.

What did you tell me you wanted

more than anything
when you were a little boy?

You don't have a "Josie and
the Pussycats" Iunchbox in there?

Happy birthday, partner.

My cowboy cake!

- Look at him.
- Do you love it?

I love it so much
I'm gonna sleep with it.

Whatever gets you through the night.

You know, you're not
eight years old anymore.

You can ask for
what you really want.

- All right, next year--
- Mm-hmm?

I want a real cowboy.