Will & Grace (1998–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

- What are you doing?
- Hanging out.

- Come over.
- Will, I can't.

Come on, Grace.
You know you want to.

- Of course I want to, but--
- It's gonna be a good one.

- I can feel it.
- It's always good. Still--

If you're not gonna come over,
do you want me to...

talk you through it?

It's tempting, but I think
I'll watch "ER" here.

Another night alone
with my clicker.

Is that what the kids
are calling it?

So I went back to the sale today.



- Did you get that black flowy thing?
- No, you were right.

It's too Stevie Nicks,
the heavy years.

Eriq La Salle just smiled.

- Really?
- No.

- Did you buy anything?
- Yeah, I got a great camisole.

- Sexy?
- Man: I'm going to sleep.

Ask me in the morning.

- Was that Danny?
- Yeah, jealous?

Honey, I don't need your man.

I got George Clooney.

Sorry, babe,
he doesn't bat for your team.

Well, he hasn't seen me pitch.

Okay.
Say, "Good night, Gracie."

Good night, Gracie.



It's to you, Jack.

Give me a minute,
please? Okay?

A room without windows

A room without doors...

It's to you, Jack.

Give me a minute, please?

Wow!

A room where no guy
but I can spy that...

No-ooo, not gonna risk it this time.

Four cards, please.

Here's my ace.

Jack, now that you're moving in,
can I make one small request?

What's that?

Change everything
about your personality.

I get it, comedy.

You didn't tell me
Jack was moving in with you.

Not moving in, he's just staying
until his apartment's finished.

- ( humming )
- Oh, I know that one-- I know--

Did he need a stronger hand?

- Did he need a...
- Jack!

He's not humming your intro.

That's just a straight guy's
way of thinking

that you and I could
ever be a couple.

Okay, first of all:
Will should only be so lucky.

So let's just clear that right up.

Second of all: you don't
even know me that well.

Why would you just assume
that I was gay?

I finished.
Okay, FYl, folks,

most people that meet me
do not know that I am gay.

Jack, blind and deaf people
know you're gay.

Dead people know you're gay.

- Do we play poker?
- Yes. Come on, who's in?

I'm in for 10.

I'm fine. Keep playing.

Oh look, it's Sporty Spice.

Did you and Danny have a fight?

Yeah, but I don't wanna
talk about it right now.

- I can't even think straight.
- That's funny, neither can Jack.

Grace, did you know
I was gay when you met me?

My dog knew.

So the fabrics never came in, and
I wasn't able to make the presentation.

Diamond lnteriors got the job.

- I'm sorry. What a disappointment.
- Thank you.

That's all I wanted to hear,
but Danny said,

"When you put everything off
till the last minute..."

- Eew.
- Yeah.

And I lost it.

I started screaming, "Why can't you
just let me have my feelings?"

Grace, that is so Barbara DeAngelis,
"Making Love Work."

- I know, wasn't it?
- Yeah.

And then he says-- get this,

"You don't have to get hysterical.
You sound just like your mother."

If you were on "Jerry Springer," that's
the minute you'd jump out of your chair.

Can you believe that?

You're staying here tonight. Go wash
your face, I'll make up your bed.

"You sound just like your mother."
What kind of person says that?

The kind of person
you should've dumped a year ago.

- What?
- I said,

I hear they're
re-releasing "Vertigo."

"You sound just like your mother."

When you wanna push
someone's buttons, that'll do it.

Hey, roomie!

Jack, you can't move in tonight.

What?

Grace is very upset.
I told her she could stay here tonight.

- You move in tomorrow, okay?
- Okay, that's interesting.

You'd think maybe you could
have told me this-- oh I don't know--

before I packed up
my entire life!

You don't understand,
Grace has had a really--

what's in the hat box?
Your tiara?

Look, Guapo, he made a funny.
Shut up, Will!

I just schlepped all the way
over here from the East Side,

and you know how much Guapo
hates riding in taxis.

Okay.

Okay, take it easy, Jack.

You sound just like your mother.

Crossing the line.

You nasty, bitter,
lonely, balding man.

I don't need this crap
from you, Will.

You know what?
I just don't need it.

- What time tomorrow?
- Eightish.

Fine.

You're my lawyer.
You tell me.

What have I got to do
to buy this company?

First, we've gotta
get something called,

the "Hart-Scott-Rodino
Antitrust" clearance,

and then we can negotiate
standstills and lock ups,

Naturally, that's after
we do due diligence.

What the hell is
"do-do diligence?"

No, Harlan, after we do...
due diligence.

Doesn't matter
how slow you say it,

it's still "do-do", isn't it?

- I just wanna know what it means.
- It's crap that lawyers deal with.

Harlan, I'll handle it.

I've been representing your corporation
for five years now, remember?

I know, but my wife's been
bugging me about the business.

She wants me to be
a little more hands-on.

You sure she's talking
about the business?

Yeah, she's talking
about the business.

But I trust you, Will,
so you do that "do-do"

that you do so well.

- ( intercom buzzes )
- Woman: Will, it's Grace on line one.

Hey.

Can I stay at your apartment
again tonight?

Of course, as long as you want.

- What are you doing?
- I'm looking for tissues.

Have your assistant
get them for you.

- She's late again.
- Fire her already.

I'm not gonna fire Karen.

Her social contacts
keep my business afloat.

Why does she even work?

Isn't she worth
like a gazillion dollars?

She feels working
keeps her down to earth.

I know, I'm late.

My driver had another
bronchial incident.

It was disgusting.
I had to raise the partition.

But that's no excuse,
I should be punished.

I'm writing you a check.

Karen, tell Grace
she should fire you.

Grace, tell Will to redirect
his anger at his mother,

where it belongs.

- Call me later.
- Bye.

All right, honey.
There you go.

Guilt be gone.

Karen, I don't want a check.
I want assistance.

I'm the boss,
I give you checks.

Yes you do, honey,
and I love them, I do.

I keep them all
right here in this box.

So, what else?

- Danny and I got into a fight.
- Oh, honey, call him and make up.

Why would I do that?
It wasn't my fault.

In the long run,
it doesn't matter.

I don't know that
there's gonna be a long run.

Grace, you're--

you're what? 40?

I'll be 31 next month.

So I rounded up.

Danny is a good catch.

You've been living together for a year.
Close the deal already.

( phone ringing )

I'm serious Grace, pick up the pace.

I'm serious, Karen,
pick up the phone.

So, Will, have you seen Michael
since you two broke up?

No, he hasn't, but I have.

Michael's not doing well.
He got fat, he's depressed.

Cheap haircuts, not good.

Actually, it's very sad.

What are you talking about?
I just saw him. Looks great.

Rob, you're dismissed.

- Thanks for trying, sweetie.
- His haircut really was awful.

I know. I think it's time
for "$25,000 Pyramid."

- Rob: Hello!
- Woman: All right!

So, Will, are you gonna
keep the place?

I thought it was gonna
be a little too expensive,

- so I told Jack-- oh no.
- ( knock on door )

Hi, honey, I'm home.

- Are we entertaining? Welcome.
- Jack, I meant to call you today--

- Don't even!
- Wait, wait.

I can stay at Rob
and Ellen's tonight.

No, you can't, Grace,
because apparently, you matter.

How about that?

Jack, I am so sorry.
I just--

Are bandanas back in?
'Cause I didn't get that memo.

Ha, ha-ha,
ha, ha, ha, ha.

Let me tell you something,
Will Truman,

I don't need to live here, all right?
And you know what? Guess who loses?

Hello! You do.

Because I could have turned you
into a human being

instead of this rude, self-absorbed,
getting-chunkier-every-day--

oops, did that slip out?
--thing that you are.

- What time tomorrow?
- Eightish.

Fine.

Let's play "The Pyramid."

- Ellen: Okay, you two first.
- Okay, you give, I'll receive.

Just as God intended it.

- Ellen's timing.
- Got it.

Here's your first subject. Go!

Okay, okay.

Driftwood.
John Wayne.

- You're parents' marriage.
- Things that are dead.

Yes.

My one-night stand on Fire lsland.

- Latin things.
- Good.

The postcard I sent you from ltaly.

"Everybody Hurts" by REM.

- Things that make you cry.
- Yes.

- Professor Gopnik's teeth.
- Things that are yellow.

Yes.

- A cane. A railing.
- Come on, give me another clue.

Each other.

- Things that you lean on.
- That's it.

Yeah!

You guys--

that was amazing.

Grace, you and Danny
never do this well when we play.

I know. I'm gonna
break up with him.

It's just time.

My relationship has reached
a fork in the road,

and ending it with Danny
is the right--

prong.

Excuse me.

Things that bring a dinner party
to a crashing halt?

- So, how'd it go?
- Not like I thought.

Gracie, I'm sorry.
You give it some time--

No, Will,

he proposed.

- Grace Adler Design?
- Oh, my God, would you look at that?

Who in the world
would be sending--

Oh, carnations,
they must be for you.

Yep, they're from Danny.
Isn't he a sweetheart?

Oh my. Well.

Surprised you're still walking.

Give me that.

He is so great.

I can't believe
I ever doubted he was the one.

Bon app?tit.

What am I gonna do about Grace?

What's the big deal?
Why don't you--

could I get a skotch more gravy?
It's a little dry.

If you don't like Danny,
just tell her it's a bad idea.

I don't tell people who to marry.

Okay, you always tell me
what you think of the men I date.

I'm talking about marriage,
not Rudy the Jewish cowboy

you met on the internet.

Shalom, my lonesome
prairie dog.

She's your best friend, Will.
You have to tell her what you think.

- Be honest.
- I can't.

Before my brother
married Ginny,

he asked me what
I honestly thought of her.

I told him, she's morose,
and controlling, and icy.

They got married anyway.
Now she hates me

and my brother and I don't talk.

I couldn't handle
losing Grace like that.

I'm gonna call Rudy again.

Oh, God, I'm sorry,
but more importantly,

that's terrible about you
and your brother. It's awful.

No, no, no. Do you have
any mineral water? Sulfites.

When are you moving in?

I'm gonna be away
on business for a while and--

What business?

Business. I have business,
and clients and work-related--

business.

How is the work-related
client business these days?

What is this?
Why do you have to be so mean?

Because you love it.
And I love you,

and you love gel.

And you have a home here
when you get back.

You can be a very great guy
when you wanna be.

Well, I gotta be nicer to you.

- Yes, you do.
- Because you are a good friend.

- Yes, I am.
- I know it's gotta be rough on you.

- Will, don't.
- Being trapped in a man's body like that.

- Hi.
- Hey.

- What are you watching?
- "Pop-Up Video"

Turns out, Fiona Apple
doesn't particularly like apples.

Apple Brown Betty was invented
by a guy named Darren,

and get this, Bobby Darren's dog
was named Fiona.

What are the odds of that?

- I said, "Yes."
- What?

I said, "Yes."

Oh my God.

Oh my God!

Come here!

Wow. Let's have
a look at that ring.

It's beautiful.
When is the stone being put in?

I knew you were gonna say that.

Wow...

You know, I'm thirsty.

What?

What? What?
I'm happy for you.

Lying.
Lying man talking.

Grace, stop it.
I am happy for you.

I want you two to have
a great life together.

You do?

Thank God.
I was so worried coming over here.

So I have your blessing then?

Yes.

- I love you.
- Love you.

Okay!

- I've gotta go tell my family.
- Grace, don't.

I have to, Will,
they're paying.

No, I mean,
don't marry Danny.

What?

Honey, I gotta be honest.
This guy's not enough for you.

You're passionate,
and you're creative,

and beautiful,
and perfect, and this guy--

you should be with someone more--
somebody else.

He's not funny. He doesn't know
what your favorite flower is.

He's passive-aggressive.
The man high-five's you after sex.

You're so afraid you're
never gonna get married

you can't even see
how wrong he is for you.

Think about it.

If you really believed
he was the one,

would you be asking me
for my blessing?

Go to hell, Will.

No, Rosario,

por favor, honey,
listen to me for a second, okay?

Take Olivia and Mason

to la store de los toys.

- Where's Grace?
- Oh, honey, thank God.

How do you say toy store
in Spanish?

- Tienda de juguetes.
- Uh-huh, thanks.

F-A-O-yeah-Schwartzo.

Si, si, Rosario, gracias.
Hola.

I haven't slept. I can't get
any work done. Where is she?

Will, just stop right there.
I cannot tell you anything, it's a secret.

- What is?
- She's at City Hall getting married.

Oh, devil.

What? What about the big wedding?

She thought it was best
to get it over with quickly,

not to make a big to-do,
and I say "Brava!"

- Grace--
- Oh, look who's here.

- I'm sorry.
- It's a little late for that.

No, I'm here, Grace.
I'm here to support your marriage.

- There is no marriage.
- What?

There is no marriage!

And you wanna know why?
Because my best friend--

that would be the part
you're supposed to play--

my best friend dropped a bomb

of poo on my head.

Oh, honey, l--

I was fine.

I was getting married,
and then you come along.

You come and you poison--

with the-- with the thorns
from the-- the flower--

I had this metaphor
worked out earlier,

but I'm just very upset right now.

Gracie, I just want you
to be happy.

No, Will, you want me
to be alone like you.

- Is that the way you see this?
- Yes.

It's interesting,

because I never thought
of myself as being alone.

Well that was a little harsh.

Good.

Yes, yes it is.
He's a bad person, very bad.

Grace, I think it's time
for a couple of blue bippies.

- I don't want any pills.
- They're not for you, they're for me.

Marriage is--
what?

Marriage is--

marriage is. Okay?
What the hell, that's all you need to--

Grace?

She's gone.

She's gone, and I'm sitting here
talking to myself like a crazy person.

Oh my God, listen to me,
I'm still doing it.

Will,

I am-- I am so sorry

for what I said back there.

I know.

It was mean, but-- I know.

This morning, on the way
to the ceremony,

Danny looked at me and said,

"I can't wait to spend
the rest of my life with you."

And I turned to him and said,

"You know the limo
has a phone?"

It wasn't right.

He was a smart
attractive man who loved me,

and who I loved, by the way.

Why wasn't it right?

Sweetie,

remember in college
we saw that French film

about a man and a woman
that were perfect for one another,

but they kept missing each other.

And in the last scene,
they meet on a plane,

because that's the way
it was destined to be.

Remember? And you said,
"That's gonna be me."

Gracie, you're just
in the middle of your movie.

Danny was a plot point.
A nice, decent,

postcoital high-fiving
plot point.

There's still time.
Go get some Raisinettes.

- I like Red Vines.
- Whatever you want.

The point is, it's not over if your movie's
gonna have a happy ending.

- You just have to see it through.
- Oh God.

- Come here.
- Huh-uh.

What do you say
we go get a drink?

Yes-ss.

- What is with that dress?
- Give me a break.

- I had five minutes to prepare for this.
- Still.

What are we to toast
to your lovely new bride?

All: Yeah!

Here's to the ball and chain.

If she makes it
through the night, ba-bing,

I think I'll keep her.

Wait, my turn.

To my Will.

You are my hero,
and my soul mate.

And I'm a better woman
for loving you.

All: Oo-ooh!

Hey, hey, hey...
Come on, you two.

- How's about a kiss?
- All: Yeah!

All:
Kiss, kiss, kiss...

- Nothing? Anything?
- Sorry, no, it's--