Wilfred (2007–…): Season 1, Episode 8 - This Dog's Life - full transcript
Sarah breaks-up with Adam. This comes as a surprise. Although Adam is upset, he says he understands and tells her to call him should she change her mind. We follow Adam home to where he lives. He puts his bag in the kitchen, checks his answering machine and emails. We catch a glimpse of Adam's life without Wilfred and Sarah. He makes a call and tells his sad story, that Sarah broke up with him, and orders the Coke and Supreme special..
I'll just meet you inside.
Alright, mate.
Alright.
Gotta go to the toilet.
No worries, mate.
And what about the arse?
I'm sure she's got a lovely...
Well, everything
seems to be in order.
She's got a lovely coat,
lovely temperament...
Oh, well, that's...
that's not important.
No?
No.
See, feisty,
there's nothing wrong with feisty.
Went up to Staples Creek recently,
and, uh, was introduced
to this, uh, tasty little cracker.
Probably a bit too young for mine,
truth be known,
but, um, yeah, she was a screamer.
That sounds great, mate.
Screamer!
Well, I don't know
if this one'd be your type.
Nah, nah, wheel her in,
wheel her in.
Oh, my tastes cover
a very broad spectrum.
Well, fortunately for everyone here,
my tastes cover
a very narrow spectrum -
one dog, one bone, as they say.
Hey, I might go and see
our favourite little lady now.
Gonna come?
I won't, Adam.
I got some shit I gotta
take care of in the backyard.
Gotta go see a man about a dog,
as they say.
Get in there.
OK.
How's my cutie pie?
Oh, Jesus!
You OK?
Yeah. You just gave me
a fright, that's all.
Wilfred and I have
had the best afternoon.
We went to the park, and there's
this guy clipping dogs' toenails,
so guess who had a pedicure?
Wilfred.
Oh, you shouldn't
have done that. How much was it?
It was only $5.
Let me fix you up for it.
What are you talking about?
I don't want you paying for things.
What's wrong?
You know how...
we haven't been
so careful lately?
Yeah... we've been a bit naughty...
Well, I went to the doctor's
on Monday
and I found out why I've been sick.
And...?
Whoa!
I thought I was
reproductively challenged!
I...I never saw myself being a dad!
This is great!
I'm sorry, baby.
I'm being so selfish.
You are gonna be a great mum!
I...I wasn't gonna mention this,
because every time I do
the day turns into a disaster,
but... I don't know,
I woke up this morning
and I thought to myself,
"No, I'm not gonna say anything."
But bugger it -
I've had the best day with Wilfred!
We're getting on better than ever!
I've got the most beautiful
girlfriend in the world,
and now I find out
I'm gonna be a dad,
and it's all happened on my birthday!
It is mine, isn't it?
Heading off, mate?
Yep.
Just get her straight
out of your head, Adam.
Throw yourself into your work.
Soon as you open the floodgates,
you're fucked.
But I don't want to be in denial.
Denial's good.
Look at me - you don't see me
moping around,
feeling sorry for myself.
Why? Denial.
Thanks, Wilfred.
Adam...
for what it's worth,
these last couple of hours
have been great.
Yeah, Wilfred, they have.
If you want my advice...
Actually, mate, no, I don't.
OK.
What the fuck?
Who the fuck are ya?
Excuse me? Who the fuck are ya?
I fucking hate ya!
Wilfred, get out the back. Go on.
Go on, mate.
Sarah Pickford?
That's right.
My name's Peter Fitzpatrick,
from the law firm
Stockard, Channing and Wilder.
I represent the parents
of Mark Francis.
OK...
It's my duty to inform you
that Mr and Mrs Francis
have successfully contested
Mark's will
on the grounds that he was...
emotionally unstable
when he lodged it,
and as a result, they have
taken possession of this house.
You have 28 days to vacate.
Good day, Ms Pickford.
Not now, little man.
Will you fuck off?
Yeah, I know. I know.
Yeah, yeah, I know all that.
Well, she's gotta live her life.
She's a big girl.
She can make her own decisions.
Yeah, she knows how I feel.
Yeah, I'm OK, I'm alright.
I'm just gonna...
throw myself into my work.
I've been neglecting it
anyhow, so...
Yeah, yeah, it hurts.
Mmm.
Hurts quite a bit, actually.
Yeah, yeah, I'll get the Coke
and garlic bread with that.
$19.95? Yeah. OK.
Yeah, I'll have close
to the correct change.
'Bye.
Ohhh!
Nuh. Nuh.
Nuh! NUH!
# Will someone
fill this hole inside?
# Tonight?
# Come on, baby
Tambourine auditions
aren't till next week.
I'm not here for tambourine
auditions, and you know it.
We don't need a pooper-scooper...
now my guts have clammed up
due to stress
and I can't shit anymore.
Picking up shit's
never been my forte, mate.
Hey, the band sounds great.
Does it?
No, it doesn't.
You left us!
It's 'nachos', mate, not 'nach-oss'.
He got him in the 'jugular',
not 'jumbler'.
And it's 'Alec' Baldwin,
not 'Alex' Baldwin, you stupid shit!
You love Sarah so much you want to
destroy every good thing in her life
that doesn't include you, you stupid,
selfish, rotten, smelly...
boy!
You're a naughty boy!
I want you to come back.
I can't.
But why?
'Cause Sarah doesn't want me
anymore, mate.
But we were happy.
Can't ya... can't ya...
can't ya... can't ya...
can't ya... can't ya...
do something?
What can I do, Wilfred?
Are you in some kind of trouble?
Well, if some guy's knocking on
your door making threats and demands,
I'll make it my problem.
Well, I'll fix it.
Yeah, well, right.
Well... see, I think
this is the problem.
I think... you underestimate me.
Yeah, I do, I do.
I think you and your dog
underestimate me.
No, you're my friend.
I look after my friends.
Nuh.
We'll see. OK.
'Bye.
I can't do it, mate.
I can't just... pick up everything
and start again.
This is it for me.
I've been through
so much fucking...!
I've been through so much!
Wilfred, don't, man...
I'm sorry.
Wilfred...
I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
But I just get freaked out
by all the suitcases
and the boxes and shit!
I start following Sarah around
from room to room!
Wilfred, please don't, mate!
Please don't!
You're the best dog
anyone could ever have, mate!
You are!
And... what I find so frustrating
is I can see
that you love Sarah so much.
I love her so much!
I know you do, mate.
And all you want to do was be...
come into her life
and love her too,
but I wouldn't let ya!
You're a good boyfriend, Adam.
I did my best, mate.
Ever since the tragedy
in the family...
Here he is, here he is.
Shut up! Shut up!
That's the cunt.
Follow him. Don't lose him.
Don't lose him!
Let me get this straight -
if Sarah doesn't pay
her overdue DVD fines,
this guy's gonna repossess the house,
smash both her kneecaps
and cut her dog's throat?
"Slash that mangy mutt's throat."
Quote, unquote.
"And guts".
Don't move, or I'll
blow your fucking brains out!
Jesus!
You're gonna forget you ever
heard the name 'Sarah Pickford'!
If you go anywhere
near her house again,
I'll kill your children,
and your children's children,
and your
children's children's children!
That's the worst Irish accent
I've ever heard.
You don't want to mess
with this guy.
Shut up, Wilfred.
Yeah, I know he's not that bright.
Wilfred!
Let me tell you,
despite his appearance
and weakness of character - and he
had braces when he was a kid -
this guy, he has a mean streak.
All we're saying is to pull your
head in before it gets shot off.
That's not Irish.
You sound like a fucking pirate!
Let go of the gun!
Ahhh!
Jesus. Fuck.
He grabbed the gun, Wilfred.
He grabbed the gun.
Why did he grab the gun?
Will you calm down?
I need to think.
Time for plan D.
Oh, God.
Couldn't let this beauty
go to waste.
So I guess this makes you family
now, Adam - officially.
What do you mean?
You killed a man in cold blood.
But you... you...
That's right - you-you and me-me
are a team-team.
I'm not gonna let you
out of my sight from now on.
Wherever you go, I go.
This could be the beginning
of a beautiful friendship, Adam.
I've made a wish.
Adam, I'm so sorry
for everything that's happened.
Do you think there might be
a chance for us?
Let's start again.
Good.
See, one of the positives
of moving to this side of town
is there's a whole
female infrastructure
that hasn't been tapped into yet.
Not by my structure, anyway.
How old do you reckon I am?
You're nine, aren't you?
No.
I'll rephrase the question.
If you didn't know how old I was,
how old do you reckon I'd be?
Nine.
No, see, you're... you're
answering that question
under the influence
of already knowing I'm nine.
Alright, well... eight, then.
Fuckin' eight?! I don't look eight.
Look, ask a man in a street
and he'll tell you
I don't look a day over five.
Feel my coat.
I've already felt it.
Yeah... Feel it again.
Go on, do it. Check it out.
Hmm. Nice?
Yeah.
That's why I became a touch dog.
What's that?
Canine helper.
See, we go to hospitals. Right?
And, uh... and they'll put us on
the ends of beds of people in comas.
And, uh, miraculously, those people
come out of those comas.
Have you ever helped someone
come out of a coma?
I've only been fuckin' once.
What happened?
Oh... there's... that... He was sick.
He was sick, that one.
What happened?
He was sick. Fuckin' sick.
Wilfred, did he die
after the touch dog thing or during?
Fuckin' after.
Yeah... my first day
at boarding school,
I got busted wanking.
And that was it. You know?
Hmm.
Adam Douglas - wanking.
Tug-a-dug-a-dug-a-dug-a-dug-a.
Tug-a-dug-a-dug-a-dug-a-dug-a.
Tug-a-dug-a-dug-a-dug-a-dug-a...
Fuck off, Wilfred.
Tug-a-dug-a-dug-a-dug-a-dug-a.
Tug-a-dug-a-dug-a-dug-a-dug-a.
Is there a dog equivalent?
Hmm.
Elizabethan bucket.
Once you're wearing one of those,
mate, your career is over.
I had this dream...
that the sons of mongrels
and the sons of pure breeds
can just... play together.
Just play, run around...
sort of thing.
Procreate?
Oh, keep it out of the gutter,
would you, Adam?
I'm just saying that...
I had this dream that little
cross breeds and little puries
can sit down together and just talk.
And if they so choose
to take it that one step further,
then they can do so
away from the prying eyes of those
who see it merely as erotica.
Tug-a-dug-a-dug-a-dug-a-dug-a.
Tug-a-dug-a-dug-a-dug-a-dug-a.
Tug-a-dug-a-dug-a-dug-a-dug-a.
Any of them chockie bickies left?
Yeah.
Alright, mate.
Alright.
Gotta go to the toilet.
No worries, mate.
And what about the arse?
I'm sure she's got a lovely...
Well, everything
seems to be in order.
She's got a lovely coat,
lovely temperament...
Oh, well, that's...
that's not important.
No?
No.
See, feisty,
there's nothing wrong with feisty.
Went up to Staples Creek recently,
and, uh, was introduced
to this, uh, tasty little cracker.
Probably a bit too young for mine,
truth be known,
but, um, yeah, she was a screamer.
That sounds great, mate.
Screamer!
Well, I don't know
if this one'd be your type.
Nah, nah, wheel her in,
wheel her in.
Oh, my tastes cover
a very broad spectrum.
Well, fortunately for everyone here,
my tastes cover
a very narrow spectrum -
one dog, one bone, as they say.
Hey, I might go and see
our favourite little lady now.
Gonna come?
I won't, Adam.
I got some shit I gotta
take care of in the backyard.
Gotta go see a man about a dog,
as they say.
Get in there.
OK.
How's my cutie pie?
Oh, Jesus!
You OK?
Yeah. You just gave me
a fright, that's all.
Wilfred and I have
had the best afternoon.
We went to the park, and there's
this guy clipping dogs' toenails,
so guess who had a pedicure?
Wilfred.
Oh, you shouldn't
have done that. How much was it?
It was only $5.
Let me fix you up for it.
What are you talking about?
I don't want you paying for things.
What's wrong?
You know how...
we haven't been
so careful lately?
Yeah... we've been a bit naughty...
Well, I went to the doctor's
on Monday
and I found out why I've been sick.
And...?
Whoa!
I thought I was
reproductively challenged!
I...I never saw myself being a dad!
This is great!
I'm sorry, baby.
I'm being so selfish.
You are gonna be a great mum!
I...I wasn't gonna mention this,
because every time I do
the day turns into a disaster,
but... I don't know,
I woke up this morning
and I thought to myself,
"No, I'm not gonna say anything."
But bugger it -
I've had the best day with Wilfred!
We're getting on better than ever!
I've got the most beautiful
girlfriend in the world,
and now I find out
I'm gonna be a dad,
and it's all happened on my birthday!
It is mine, isn't it?
Heading off, mate?
Yep.
Just get her straight
out of your head, Adam.
Throw yourself into your work.
Soon as you open the floodgates,
you're fucked.
But I don't want to be in denial.
Denial's good.
Look at me - you don't see me
moping around,
feeling sorry for myself.
Why? Denial.
Thanks, Wilfred.
Adam...
for what it's worth,
these last couple of hours
have been great.
Yeah, Wilfred, they have.
If you want my advice...
Actually, mate, no, I don't.
OK.
What the fuck?
Who the fuck are ya?
Excuse me? Who the fuck are ya?
I fucking hate ya!
Wilfred, get out the back. Go on.
Go on, mate.
Sarah Pickford?
That's right.
My name's Peter Fitzpatrick,
from the law firm
Stockard, Channing and Wilder.
I represent the parents
of Mark Francis.
OK...
It's my duty to inform you
that Mr and Mrs Francis
have successfully contested
Mark's will
on the grounds that he was...
emotionally unstable
when he lodged it,
and as a result, they have
taken possession of this house.
You have 28 days to vacate.
Good day, Ms Pickford.
Not now, little man.
Will you fuck off?
Yeah, I know. I know.
Yeah, yeah, I know all that.
Well, she's gotta live her life.
She's a big girl.
She can make her own decisions.
Yeah, she knows how I feel.
Yeah, I'm OK, I'm alright.
I'm just gonna...
throw myself into my work.
I've been neglecting it
anyhow, so...
Yeah, yeah, it hurts.
Mmm.
Hurts quite a bit, actually.
Yeah, yeah, I'll get the Coke
and garlic bread with that.
$19.95? Yeah. OK.
Yeah, I'll have close
to the correct change.
'Bye.
Ohhh!
Nuh. Nuh.
Nuh! NUH!
# Will someone
fill this hole inside?
# Tonight?
# Come on, baby
Tambourine auditions
aren't till next week.
I'm not here for tambourine
auditions, and you know it.
We don't need a pooper-scooper...
now my guts have clammed up
due to stress
and I can't shit anymore.
Picking up shit's
never been my forte, mate.
Hey, the band sounds great.
Does it?
No, it doesn't.
You left us!
It's 'nachos', mate, not 'nach-oss'.
He got him in the 'jugular',
not 'jumbler'.
And it's 'Alec' Baldwin,
not 'Alex' Baldwin, you stupid shit!
You love Sarah so much you want to
destroy every good thing in her life
that doesn't include you, you stupid,
selfish, rotten, smelly...
boy!
You're a naughty boy!
I want you to come back.
I can't.
But why?
'Cause Sarah doesn't want me
anymore, mate.
But we were happy.
Can't ya... can't ya...
can't ya... can't ya...
can't ya... can't ya...
do something?
What can I do, Wilfred?
Are you in some kind of trouble?
Well, if some guy's knocking on
your door making threats and demands,
I'll make it my problem.
Well, I'll fix it.
Yeah, well, right.
Well... see, I think
this is the problem.
I think... you underestimate me.
Yeah, I do, I do.
I think you and your dog
underestimate me.
No, you're my friend.
I look after my friends.
Nuh.
We'll see. OK.
'Bye.
I can't do it, mate.
I can't just... pick up everything
and start again.
This is it for me.
I've been through
so much fucking...!
I've been through so much!
Wilfred, don't, man...
I'm sorry.
Wilfred...
I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
But I just get freaked out
by all the suitcases
and the boxes and shit!
I start following Sarah around
from room to room!
Wilfred, please don't, mate!
Please don't!
You're the best dog
anyone could ever have, mate!
You are!
And... what I find so frustrating
is I can see
that you love Sarah so much.
I love her so much!
I know you do, mate.
And all you want to do was be...
come into her life
and love her too,
but I wouldn't let ya!
You're a good boyfriend, Adam.
I did my best, mate.
Ever since the tragedy
in the family...
Here he is, here he is.
Shut up! Shut up!
That's the cunt.
Follow him. Don't lose him.
Don't lose him!
Let me get this straight -
if Sarah doesn't pay
her overdue DVD fines,
this guy's gonna repossess the house,
smash both her kneecaps
and cut her dog's throat?
"Slash that mangy mutt's throat."
Quote, unquote.
"And guts".
Don't move, or I'll
blow your fucking brains out!
Jesus!
You're gonna forget you ever
heard the name 'Sarah Pickford'!
If you go anywhere
near her house again,
I'll kill your children,
and your children's children,
and your
children's children's children!
That's the worst Irish accent
I've ever heard.
You don't want to mess
with this guy.
Shut up, Wilfred.
Yeah, I know he's not that bright.
Wilfred!
Let me tell you,
despite his appearance
and weakness of character - and he
had braces when he was a kid -
this guy, he has a mean streak.
All we're saying is to pull your
head in before it gets shot off.
That's not Irish.
You sound like a fucking pirate!
Let go of the gun!
Ahhh!
Jesus. Fuck.
He grabbed the gun, Wilfred.
He grabbed the gun.
Why did he grab the gun?
Will you calm down?
I need to think.
Time for plan D.
Oh, God.
Couldn't let this beauty
go to waste.
So I guess this makes you family
now, Adam - officially.
What do you mean?
You killed a man in cold blood.
But you... you...
That's right - you-you and me-me
are a team-team.
I'm not gonna let you
out of my sight from now on.
Wherever you go, I go.
This could be the beginning
of a beautiful friendship, Adam.
I've made a wish.
Adam, I'm so sorry
for everything that's happened.
Do you think there might be
a chance for us?
Let's start again.
Good.
See, one of the positives
of moving to this side of town
is there's a whole
female infrastructure
that hasn't been tapped into yet.
Not by my structure, anyway.
How old do you reckon I am?
You're nine, aren't you?
No.
I'll rephrase the question.
If you didn't know how old I was,
how old do you reckon I'd be?
Nine.
No, see, you're... you're
answering that question
under the influence
of already knowing I'm nine.
Alright, well... eight, then.
Fuckin' eight?! I don't look eight.
Look, ask a man in a street
and he'll tell you
I don't look a day over five.
Feel my coat.
I've already felt it.
Yeah... Feel it again.
Go on, do it. Check it out.
Hmm. Nice?
Yeah.
That's why I became a touch dog.
What's that?
Canine helper.
See, we go to hospitals. Right?
And, uh... and they'll put us on
the ends of beds of people in comas.
And, uh, miraculously, those people
come out of those comas.
Have you ever helped someone
come out of a coma?
I've only been fuckin' once.
What happened?
Oh... there's... that... He was sick.
He was sick, that one.
What happened?
He was sick. Fuckin' sick.
Wilfred, did he die
after the touch dog thing or during?
Fuckin' after.
Yeah... my first day
at boarding school,
I got busted wanking.
And that was it. You know?
Hmm.
Adam Douglas - wanking.
Tug-a-dug-a-dug-a-dug-a-dug-a.
Tug-a-dug-a-dug-a-dug-a-dug-a.
Tug-a-dug-a-dug-a-dug-a-dug-a...
Fuck off, Wilfred.
Tug-a-dug-a-dug-a-dug-a-dug-a.
Tug-a-dug-a-dug-a-dug-a-dug-a.
Is there a dog equivalent?
Hmm.
Elizabethan bucket.
Once you're wearing one of those,
mate, your career is over.
I had this dream...
that the sons of mongrels
and the sons of pure breeds
can just... play together.
Just play, run around...
sort of thing.
Procreate?
Oh, keep it out of the gutter,
would you, Adam?
I'm just saying that...
I had this dream that little
cross breeds and little puries
can sit down together and just talk.
And if they so choose
to take it that one step further,
then they can do so
away from the prying eyes of those
who see it merely as erotica.
Tug-a-dug-a-dug-a-dug-a-dug-a.
Tug-a-dug-a-dug-a-dug-a-dug-a.
Tug-a-dug-a-dug-a-dug-a-dug-a.
Any of them chockie bickies left?
Yeah.