Wilfred (2007–…): Season 1, Episode 7 - Barking Behind Bars - full transcript
Oh, God!
Oh.
I'm getting up.
No, no. No, no, no.
You stay there. You stay there, OK?
I'll whip up some coffee and toast.
You're a dream.
No. No, no, no! Fuck no!
What's wrong, babe?
Babe?
Oh.
Good morning, Mr Wilfred.
How are you today?
You're a naughty boy.
Oh, Adam, you're an angel.
There we are.
That's OK.
This looks great.
What was with all the yelling?
Oh, I thought we'd run out
of milk but I found some...
I found something.
Tastes great.
So what's on the agenda today?
Back to the drawing board,
I suppose.
There's a few firms
I still haven't contacted.
Small ones - they
probably won't have anything
but it's worth keeping
your name out there.
Mmm.
I can't believe you're
finding it so difficult.
Things were going
so well for you, babe.
Yeah.
Well, that's what happens when
you take your eye off the ball.
Might take you for a walk later.
That'd be great, Adam.
Yeah. No worries.
Won't keep her long
if you don't got no job.
Who knows?
How are you gonna afford her?
Sarah's got expensive tastes.
Yeah, I know she has.
It's only so long
she'll put up with you
sitting on your arse watchin' DVDs.
I'll get a job. Just need to
take care of a few things first.
I've actually got to
go to the toilet.
Why don't you run down to the lake
and try and kill some ducks?
OK.
Get here. Get here. Oi!
You fuckers.
Come here. Come here. Come here.
Oi, come here,
I wanna ask you something.
Just come over for a tick.
Come over here.
I wanna tell you something.
No. I'm not going to hurt youse.
I'm not going to fuckin' hurt youse!
Come on, Lester.
I'm not gonna hurt...
Hey, big boy!
Yeah, hang on. Sorry, busy.
I'm not gonna hurt you.
Here we go, mate!
What?
What have we got here, eh? Eh?
That looks alright.
You want it?
If you don't.
It's fuckin' alright.
Thanks.
- Oi. Oi!
- Take it easy.
I'm with my fuckin'
owner's boyfriend, you cunts!
Take it easy, mate.
Come on, fella. Come on.
I'm with my fuckin'
owner's boyfriend!
Fuck! Arggh!
Take it easy.
Come on.
Fuckin' Jesus!
Adam! Adam!
Come on, get in here.
Fuck you.
Fuckin' let us out, would youse?
Oi. What are you fuckin' looking at?
Let us out. Let us out.
Adam! Adam!
Adam!
Where are you fuckin'
taking me, you cunts?
Adam!
Adam. Adam. Oi. Oi!
You're fuckin' kidding me.
Adam, you cunt! You get back here.
Sarah.
Where have you been?
Sarah, sit down.
Why?
What are you doing? Where's Wilfred?
Sarah, sit down, please.
What happened?
He was chasing cars.
I couldn't stop him.
Is he dead?
I'm sorry, Sarah.
Oh!
It's not fair. Poor Wilfred.
He was very brave.
He... he didn't want to let go,
the poor little bugger.
He kept on... tried to hold on.
I'll never forget his eyes.
I shouldn't have
taken him for a walk.
No, Adam, you are
not blaming yourself.
I know what he's like.
Yeah.
You do.
I want to see him.
Where is he?
Oh, you... you don't want to
see him, sweetie, believe me.
I don't care
how bad it is, I need to see him.
Well, you can't.
I took him to a mate of mine's
farm and buried him.
I don't care - dig him up.
They burned him.
What?
Wild animals dig them up. Doesn't
matter how deep you bury them.
I couldn't let that happen.
So it's finally over.
Yeah.
Come on, come here.
Yeah.
We had a tip-off he might be there
today and, sure enough, he was.
Feisty fella.
You don't want to take your eyes
off him for too long.
Yeah, he smells a bit fresh.
Must've been eating something.
Or he's been rolling in something.
Hang on.
I know this dog.
There's something about his eyes.
Be careful, Jane.
Oh, it's alright.
I know you, don't I, boy?
He's been in here before, ages ago.
It's alright, mate.
No-one's going to hurt you.
Stay back, Jane. Be careful, Jane.
He just needs some kindness.
Don't you, mate?
Do you remember me?
Go away!
Sarah! Sarah!
Sarah! Sarah!
- Settle down. Come on.
- Sarah! Sarah!
Sarah! Sarah! Sarah!
Sarah! Sarah! Sarah!
Sarah! Sarah! Sarah!
Jane, what are
you still doing here?
You should've left hours ago.
Yeah.
Something's been
bugging me all afternoon.
Uh, if it's about that mutt,
I don't want to know.
Of course you don't.
He's just another number to you.
That's not it, Jane, and you know
it.
First rule, don't get
attached to the animals.
So I just turn a blind eye
to years of cruelty and neglect?
In 1995 he was found abandoned in
a cardboard box down by the wharves.
In 1997 he was found sorting
through garbage at a Werribee dump.
In 2001 he was bailing up
children at a 7-Eleven.
Am I the only one
who sees a pattern here?
Maybe someone will claim him.
No-one's coming to claim him.
Hey, you never know...
Don't bullshit me, Hank.
That dog won't last
the end of the week and you know it.
Hey, you're right, Jane,
he probably won't.
So you do what the rest of us do -
you go to a bar,
you get stupid drunk,
you hope tomorrow's a better day.
Sometimes I hate this job.
Nah, screws, they
don't understand cooperation.
The only thing they understand is
disobedience.
Yeah, the truth hurt, don't it?
That's right, keep walking.
No.
You boys may not believe this
but I was once like you lot.
Naive, full of hope.
Bloody adorable.
But the world knocked
that out of me.
You know, once I... I saved
this family from a house fire.
Yeah, and what did that get me?
Sweet fuck all.
And why?
Bloody fire alarm goes off
at the same time as I'm barkin'
so I can't prove
it's me that saved the day.
No ceremony. No medals.
So I go off the rails, don't I?
SOMBRE MUSIC
Start fighting, biting,
barking, chasing.
A law suit waitin' to happen,
they said.
This place is a lot smaller
than I remember it.
I s'pose you boys just think
I'm a hard old bastard
with an axe to grind.
Maybe I am.
I do know one thing.
I'm looking straight down the barrel
of a needle on a one-way ticket.
I know when me number's up.
Any of you cunts seen
'Shawshank Redemption'?
Oh, fuck it.
What, are you crazy?
So you can have her all to yourself?
You must be out of
your freakin' mind, man.
She's coming with me
and that's all there is to it.
She loves me. Don't you, babe?
Wilfred, stay away. He has a
knife...
knife, knife, knife...
I've got to get out of here.
Gee, you're doing a good job.
Oh, there's still a few holes
that need to be filled in but, um...
Yeah, it's a start.
I dreamt about Wilfred last night.
Oh, yeah?
I've decided I want to bury
him here in the backyard.
That way I can talk to him
while I'm watering the garden.
Sarah, that's not a good idea.
I'd have to dig him
back up again and... and...
It's not a good idea.
But it's what I want.
Isn't that important?
Or is it all about forgetting
that Wilfred ever existed?
You seem to be doing
a pretty good job of that.
Now, that is unfair.
I-I've been really
supportive this past week.
Is Wilfred really dead?
What?
You heard me.
It was all so convenient.
Wilfred disappears
and so do all of our problems.
Well, I like problems.
And I want to bury Wilfred
in the backyard,
and if that's so hard
for you to understand,
then maybe we should
reassess a few things.
Sarah...
Now remember, nothing
happens to the girl.
She's OK.
Now, Louie, you know what to do.
Frank. Frank.
Don't start barking
till Leon gives the signal.
And Geraldine...
Ah, my sweet Geraldine,
if only you were pent up in my cage,
things could have been so different.
Righto, boys, let 'em have it.
Hey, hey, hey.
What's going on out here?
Louie is sick over in cage five.
Louie, what's
the matter with you, eh?
L-L-Louie.
I'll never forget youse.
I wish youse were coming with me.
Hank.
Jane, what are you doing here?
I took your advice and got drunk.
Do you want some company?
You said hell would freeze over
before you would be interested
in someone like me.
I don't know.
Maybe the ice is starting to thaw.
Wait.
I've got a better idea.
Really?
Yeah.
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Jane, you'll regret this.
Come Monday morning, you're fired.
Blow it out your arse, Hank.
Jane!
Jane!
Hello?
Is anyone there?
What's going on?
Someone left the door open.
Mmm.
Thank you all for being here
on this tragic, sad occasion.
We're ready to begin.
We are gathered here today
to mourn the passing
of one of our dearest.
To some, Wilfred was a larrikin.
To others he was a menace.
But to the rest of us
he was merely Wilfred the Great.
Nobody knows where he came from
and only He up above
knows where he is going.
Until that day comes
when we all touch God's face
in the form of Wilfred...
we shall mourn him...
and we shall miss him.
It's often said that...
in a friend we have found God.
I'm sure no-one here today
would disagree that...
we found God and more in Wilfred.
I'm gonna ask Sarah
to come up and say a few words
before we finally lay him
down to rest in the ground.
I'd like to thank
you all for coming here today.
I know some of you have travelled
quite a way to get here so...
Um...
I've written a poem
I'd like to read out for Wilfred.
"Before you came into my life
"I knew nothing about commitment
and responsibility.
"And although at times
it was all a bit too much..."
"..I've learnt about these things.
"But what you gave me
was something no-one else could...
"..unconditional love,
"loyalty, a family.
"I only hope you can find the peace,
wherever you are
"that you could never find here."
"I love you,
Wilfred, and I always will."
You can start the music now.
Let's all take a moment now to...
remember the Wilfred we knew...
and loved.
# Oh, honey
# Yeah, I waited on
the captain boat
# See you when...
♪ The sun go down... ♪
It seems what we have here
is a little case of
misappropriated individuals.
In other words, Adam faked my death.
I see what's happening here.
Adam faked Wilfred's death.
No way.
Faked his death?
No, I didn't.
That's about as low
as a pet owner can go.
No, that... that's not
what happened at all.
Adam, how could you?
You fuckin' dog!
♪ When the sun goes down. ♪
I know there's nothing
I can say to make you forgive me.
What I did today, you know...
it was despicable.
I've even surprised myself.
But what I will say is I love you.
I always have
and I just hope that...
Shut up, Adam.
Yeah, what you did was really
fucked.
And if it had've been anyone else
they wouldn't be alive today.
I swear to God I would have
cut their fucking head off.
But you...
you knew that Wilfred running away
would have broken my heart
and I would never
have had any closure.
So you lied to protect me.
And that's the most romantic thing
anyone's ever done for me.
Are you serious?
I find funerals so sexy.
Let's fuck.
Shit.
Excuse me. Who the fuck are ya?
I fuckin' hate ya.
You have 28 days to vacate.
I can't do it, mate.
I can't just pick up
everything and start again.
This is it for me.
I think you and your dog
underestimate me.
Oh.
I'm getting up.
No, no. No, no, no.
You stay there. You stay there, OK?
I'll whip up some coffee and toast.
You're a dream.
No. No, no, no! Fuck no!
What's wrong, babe?
Babe?
Oh.
Good morning, Mr Wilfred.
How are you today?
You're a naughty boy.
Oh, Adam, you're an angel.
There we are.
That's OK.
This looks great.
What was with all the yelling?
Oh, I thought we'd run out
of milk but I found some...
I found something.
Tastes great.
So what's on the agenda today?
Back to the drawing board,
I suppose.
There's a few firms
I still haven't contacted.
Small ones - they
probably won't have anything
but it's worth keeping
your name out there.
Mmm.
I can't believe you're
finding it so difficult.
Things were going
so well for you, babe.
Yeah.
Well, that's what happens when
you take your eye off the ball.
Might take you for a walk later.
That'd be great, Adam.
Yeah. No worries.
Won't keep her long
if you don't got no job.
Who knows?
How are you gonna afford her?
Sarah's got expensive tastes.
Yeah, I know she has.
It's only so long
she'll put up with you
sitting on your arse watchin' DVDs.
I'll get a job. Just need to
take care of a few things first.
I've actually got to
go to the toilet.
Why don't you run down to the lake
and try and kill some ducks?
OK.
Get here. Get here. Oi!
You fuckers.
Come here. Come here. Come here.
Oi, come here,
I wanna ask you something.
Just come over for a tick.
Come over here.
I wanna tell you something.
No. I'm not going to hurt youse.
I'm not going to fuckin' hurt youse!
Come on, Lester.
I'm not gonna hurt...
Hey, big boy!
Yeah, hang on. Sorry, busy.
I'm not gonna hurt you.
Here we go, mate!
What?
What have we got here, eh? Eh?
That looks alright.
You want it?
If you don't.
It's fuckin' alright.
Thanks.
- Oi. Oi!
- Take it easy.
I'm with my fuckin'
owner's boyfriend, you cunts!
Take it easy, mate.
Come on, fella. Come on.
I'm with my fuckin'
owner's boyfriend!
Fuck! Arggh!
Take it easy.
Come on.
Fuckin' Jesus!
Adam! Adam!
Come on, get in here.
Fuck you.
Fuckin' let us out, would youse?
Oi. What are you fuckin' looking at?
Let us out. Let us out.
Adam! Adam!
Adam!
Where are you fuckin'
taking me, you cunts?
Adam!
Adam. Adam. Oi. Oi!
You're fuckin' kidding me.
Adam, you cunt! You get back here.
Sarah.
Where have you been?
Sarah, sit down.
Why?
What are you doing? Where's Wilfred?
Sarah, sit down, please.
What happened?
He was chasing cars.
I couldn't stop him.
Is he dead?
I'm sorry, Sarah.
Oh!
It's not fair. Poor Wilfred.
He was very brave.
He... he didn't want to let go,
the poor little bugger.
He kept on... tried to hold on.
I'll never forget his eyes.
I shouldn't have
taken him for a walk.
No, Adam, you are
not blaming yourself.
I know what he's like.
Yeah.
You do.
I want to see him.
Where is he?
Oh, you... you don't want to
see him, sweetie, believe me.
I don't care
how bad it is, I need to see him.
Well, you can't.
I took him to a mate of mine's
farm and buried him.
I don't care - dig him up.
They burned him.
What?
Wild animals dig them up. Doesn't
matter how deep you bury them.
I couldn't let that happen.
So it's finally over.
Yeah.
Come on, come here.
Yeah.
We had a tip-off he might be there
today and, sure enough, he was.
Feisty fella.
You don't want to take your eyes
off him for too long.
Yeah, he smells a bit fresh.
Must've been eating something.
Or he's been rolling in something.
Hang on.
I know this dog.
There's something about his eyes.
Be careful, Jane.
Oh, it's alright.
I know you, don't I, boy?
He's been in here before, ages ago.
It's alright, mate.
No-one's going to hurt you.
Stay back, Jane. Be careful, Jane.
He just needs some kindness.
Don't you, mate?
Do you remember me?
Go away!
Sarah! Sarah!
Sarah! Sarah!
- Settle down. Come on.
- Sarah! Sarah!
Sarah! Sarah! Sarah!
Sarah! Sarah! Sarah!
Sarah! Sarah! Sarah!
Jane, what are
you still doing here?
You should've left hours ago.
Yeah.
Something's been
bugging me all afternoon.
Uh, if it's about that mutt,
I don't want to know.
Of course you don't.
He's just another number to you.
That's not it, Jane, and you know
it.
First rule, don't get
attached to the animals.
So I just turn a blind eye
to years of cruelty and neglect?
In 1995 he was found abandoned in
a cardboard box down by the wharves.
In 1997 he was found sorting
through garbage at a Werribee dump.
In 2001 he was bailing up
children at a 7-Eleven.
Am I the only one
who sees a pattern here?
Maybe someone will claim him.
No-one's coming to claim him.
Hey, you never know...
Don't bullshit me, Hank.
That dog won't last
the end of the week and you know it.
Hey, you're right, Jane,
he probably won't.
So you do what the rest of us do -
you go to a bar,
you get stupid drunk,
you hope tomorrow's a better day.
Sometimes I hate this job.
Nah, screws, they
don't understand cooperation.
The only thing they understand is
disobedience.
Yeah, the truth hurt, don't it?
That's right, keep walking.
No.
You boys may not believe this
but I was once like you lot.
Naive, full of hope.
Bloody adorable.
But the world knocked
that out of me.
You know, once I... I saved
this family from a house fire.
Yeah, and what did that get me?
Sweet fuck all.
And why?
Bloody fire alarm goes off
at the same time as I'm barkin'
so I can't prove
it's me that saved the day.
No ceremony. No medals.
So I go off the rails, don't I?
SOMBRE MUSIC
Start fighting, biting,
barking, chasing.
A law suit waitin' to happen,
they said.
This place is a lot smaller
than I remember it.
I s'pose you boys just think
I'm a hard old bastard
with an axe to grind.
Maybe I am.
I do know one thing.
I'm looking straight down the barrel
of a needle on a one-way ticket.
I know when me number's up.
Any of you cunts seen
'Shawshank Redemption'?
Oh, fuck it.
What, are you crazy?
So you can have her all to yourself?
You must be out of
your freakin' mind, man.
She's coming with me
and that's all there is to it.
She loves me. Don't you, babe?
Wilfred, stay away. He has a
knife...
knife, knife, knife...
I've got to get out of here.
Gee, you're doing a good job.
Oh, there's still a few holes
that need to be filled in but, um...
Yeah, it's a start.
I dreamt about Wilfred last night.
Oh, yeah?
I've decided I want to bury
him here in the backyard.
That way I can talk to him
while I'm watering the garden.
Sarah, that's not a good idea.
I'd have to dig him
back up again and... and...
It's not a good idea.
But it's what I want.
Isn't that important?
Or is it all about forgetting
that Wilfred ever existed?
You seem to be doing
a pretty good job of that.
Now, that is unfair.
I-I've been really
supportive this past week.
Is Wilfred really dead?
What?
You heard me.
It was all so convenient.
Wilfred disappears
and so do all of our problems.
Well, I like problems.
And I want to bury Wilfred
in the backyard,
and if that's so hard
for you to understand,
then maybe we should
reassess a few things.
Sarah...
Now remember, nothing
happens to the girl.
She's OK.
Now, Louie, you know what to do.
Frank. Frank.
Don't start barking
till Leon gives the signal.
And Geraldine...
Ah, my sweet Geraldine,
if only you were pent up in my cage,
things could have been so different.
Righto, boys, let 'em have it.
Hey, hey, hey.
What's going on out here?
Louie is sick over in cage five.
Louie, what's
the matter with you, eh?
L-L-Louie.
I'll never forget youse.
I wish youse were coming with me.
Hank.
Jane, what are you doing here?
I took your advice and got drunk.
Do you want some company?
You said hell would freeze over
before you would be interested
in someone like me.
I don't know.
Maybe the ice is starting to thaw.
Wait.
I've got a better idea.
Really?
Yeah.
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Jane, you'll regret this.
Come Monday morning, you're fired.
Blow it out your arse, Hank.
Jane!
Jane!
Hello?
Is anyone there?
What's going on?
Someone left the door open.
Mmm.
Thank you all for being here
on this tragic, sad occasion.
We're ready to begin.
We are gathered here today
to mourn the passing
of one of our dearest.
To some, Wilfred was a larrikin.
To others he was a menace.
But to the rest of us
he was merely Wilfred the Great.
Nobody knows where he came from
and only He up above
knows where he is going.
Until that day comes
when we all touch God's face
in the form of Wilfred...
we shall mourn him...
and we shall miss him.
It's often said that...
in a friend we have found God.
I'm sure no-one here today
would disagree that...
we found God and more in Wilfred.
I'm gonna ask Sarah
to come up and say a few words
before we finally lay him
down to rest in the ground.
I'd like to thank
you all for coming here today.
I know some of you have travelled
quite a way to get here so...
Um...
I've written a poem
I'd like to read out for Wilfred.
"Before you came into my life
"I knew nothing about commitment
and responsibility.
"And although at times
it was all a bit too much..."
"..I've learnt about these things.
"But what you gave me
was something no-one else could...
"..unconditional love,
"loyalty, a family.
"I only hope you can find the peace,
wherever you are
"that you could never find here."
"I love you,
Wilfred, and I always will."
You can start the music now.
Let's all take a moment now to...
remember the Wilfred we knew...
and loved.
# Oh, honey
# Yeah, I waited on
the captain boat
# See you when...
♪ The sun go down... ♪
It seems what we have here
is a little case of
misappropriated individuals.
In other words, Adam faked my death.
I see what's happening here.
Adam faked Wilfred's death.
No way.
Faked his death?
No, I didn't.
That's about as low
as a pet owner can go.
No, that... that's not
what happened at all.
Adam, how could you?
You fuckin' dog!
♪ When the sun goes down. ♪
I know there's nothing
I can say to make you forgive me.
What I did today, you know...
it was despicable.
I've even surprised myself.
But what I will say is I love you.
I always have
and I just hope that...
Shut up, Adam.
Yeah, what you did was really
fucked.
And if it had've been anyone else
they wouldn't be alive today.
I swear to God I would have
cut their fucking head off.
But you...
you knew that Wilfred running away
would have broken my heart
and I would never
have had any closure.
So you lied to protect me.
And that's the most romantic thing
anyone's ever done for me.
Are you serious?
I find funerals so sexy.
Let's fuck.
Shit.
Excuse me. Who the fuck are ya?
I fuckin' hate ya.
You have 28 days to vacate.
I can't do it, mate.
I can't just pick up
everything and start again.
This is it for me.
I think you and your dog
underestimate me.