Wilfred (2007–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Dog Day Afterglow - full transcript
Losing people who are so close
to you, so suddenly, it's hard.
Bloody hard.
Feels like... feels like you're
climbing a bloody mountain sometimes.
But, as they say,
shared joy is double joy
and shared sorrow is half sorrow.
So, um... yeah.
I know exactly how
you must have felt.
That's how I'd feel
if anything happened to Wilfred,
except 10 times worse.
You know,
I love him more than anything.
I think I'd cry more if he died
than if any of my
natural family died.
Are you serious?
Fucken oath.
Wow. That's a lot.
Oh, he is adorable -
basically runs the show.
Runs the show alright.
What's that?
I was just saying he runs the show.
He knows where the boundaries are
and he continues to cross them.
Is that a problem?
Hmm?
Are you saying I spoil him?
Well, yeah, I guess I am,
but, um, I'm not suggesting
that's necessarily a bad thing.
It's, you know...
Because you know, Adam,
it is really important to me
that you guys get along.
I love Wilfred. How could I not?
He's adorable, as you say.
Yeah, well he's all I've got.
Don't know about that.
I wouldn't expect you to.
Hey. Time out.
I love dogs, OK?
We grew up with pets.
Dogs?
Well, no.
What pets?
Birds mostly.
But, um, it taught us a lot about
responsibility and duty of care.
What the fuck is duty of care?
Caring. Caring for creatures.
Am I on trial here?
Feels like I've done something wrong.
You've said all
the right things, Adam.
I know you love Wilfred.
I know he thinks the world of you.
Does he?
Shit, yeah.
You swear a lot.
Fuck me dead!
I just want to let it
fall into place naturally.
I don't want to force
anything, you know.
Adam, I think the turtle's
starting to poke his head out.
I've always been so damn cautious,
but as I get older I...
Wilfred?!
Where is he?
I don't know.
He usually meets me at the door.
Baby?
Look, I've got to drop this poo.
Can you check his den
and see if he's alright?
Yep, yep, yep.
Wilfred, what's going on, mate?
Are you in here?
You in here, buddy?
Wilfred?
I'm not asleep.
Oh, there you are.
Here I am.
Having a little rest?
I don't have little rests.
If I'm not up answering the door
when someone gets home
there's a reason.
Something's wrong
or there's a reason.
You're not feeling the best, mate?
It's that pizza from last night.
It's fucked me.
Are you serious?
You got rid of that box, didn't ya?
Yeah, yeah, I threw it
in a bin down the street.
Don't tell Sarah I'm crook.
I don't want her worrying about me.
Well, if you're sick
she's gonna find out eventually.
I don't want her worrying about me!
OK.
Mmm. Arggh!
Arggh!
Are you alright, Wilfred?
You want us to take you somewhere?
You OK?
Sit down, Adam.
Mate, if you're sick
I want to take you somewhere.
Sit!
So you're it.
I'm what?
You and Sarah.
You did. I know you did.
You gave her the naughty boy last
night when you thought I was asleep.
I don't know what to say.
Nothing to say.
You gave her the naughty boy.
Sarah's been naughty-boyed
and you're the new it.
You've got the it factor.
Wilfred, you've got the it factor
as far as Sarah is concerned.
She loves you, man.
Probably just as well you showed up.
Sarah's gonna need someone
to look after her.
Look, what are you talking about?
Let's just say that
if something was to happen to me,
I'd like to think
you might show up from time to time
to keep an eye on her.
Wilfred, what's going on?
I think I'm on the way out, mate.
What?
Yeah. I'm all over the shop.
My hip's completely fucked,
I can't shit properly.
I think that pizza
pushed me over the edge.
It's... it's not a hypothetical.
Wilfred, I'm sorry.
I'm gonna have to tell Sarah.
Look, we need
to get you some help, mate.
Well actually then, Adam...
if you did want to help...
It's weird having
someone else around again.
Bad weird?
No.
Maybe we should stay
at my place more.
Oh, whatever.
So what are you doing now?
I thought I might hang out
with Wilfred for a bit.
I think he might be feeling
a bit left out.
That is so beautiful.
Thank you.
No, no, no. I want to.
Hey, Sarah, what's in that room
at the top of the stairs?
Oh, the boys' room?
It's just a pile
of old junk, some guns.
It's pretty cool.
Check it out some time.
Oh, it's locked.
The key's on the painting hook
next to the door.
Just don't let Wilfred
see you go up there.
What, he gets a bit excited, does he?
Yeah.
Adam.
Wow, this is great. It's huge.
Boys' room, Adam,
where the big boys play.
Where all the big decisions
get made.
Sarah mentioned something about guns?
Calm down, Adam.
You're not in the movies now.
They're not loaded.
Wow.
It's incredible.
Some of these date back
and turn into a century.
This is an amazing place, Wilfred.
It's got a really good atmosphere.
It's OK.
Don't let those get warm.
No, no, no. I'm onto it.
So Sarah doesn't like
you coming up here?
Painful memories maybe.
Like?
What?
Painful memories like...?
Who's that?
You've got some painful memories?
Ever played pool?
Yeah, yeah, I have, actually.
Played heaps at uni.
Yeah, not swimming pool.
Oooh, nasty.
Foul.
Foul. Foul snooker.
That was not a foul snooker, Wilfred.
Yes, it was.
No, hang on, mate, you can't do that.
No, no, house rules, house rules.
Foul.
Now, that is foul snooker.
Explain to me what a foul snooker is.
I shouldn't have
to explain it to you.
That's it, mate.
That's the end of the game today.
Come on, Maestro.
Mate, if Sarah comes in
and we're looking at this stuff,
she's not gonna like it.
Click it, click it, click it!
Oooh.
She's not gonna be happy
if she sees that.
She's a nice-looking lady, isn't she?
Shh, get down.
This is where it gets
a bit more complicated.
Hang on,
this is someone's house!
No, they're not in the house,
they're out there.
Wilfred, I don't like the idea
of trespassing onto
someone else's private property,
stealing plants
that don't belong to us.
I mean, they could have
any kind of security set-up.
Do I look like an idiot?
Do you think I'm gonna send you
into a booby trap?
Mark's been in there
hundreds of times.
They're just sitting there.
Well, you know where they are.
I can't undo the latch, mate.
Think about it.
Jesus.
Adam, get this one.
Heaven.
A solid mission.
That was not a solid mission.
We'll get the rest next time.
Not with me you won't, mate.
That's it. Alright, you've
got enough for a herbal relaxant.
You've got enough for your sore back.
And hip.
Well, mate, that's enough.
In fact, that... that's heaps.
If you spread it out
it'll last you weeks.
Yeah, if I spread it out.
I'm Lee Marvin.
I'm Lee Marvin!
Well I can't get you
any pizza or nachos, mate.
I can't do that
for you anymore, OK?
Let me ask you a question, Adam.
Here we go.
Have you ever...
owned something special
that someone once gave to you
and you lost it?
And no matter how much
you searched for it -
for days, months and weeks...
you couldn't...
couldn't reach... reach it.
Even when you know where it was,
you can't reach it, you can't...
you can't get to it.
Yeah, I have.
Maybe there's more to you
than I give credit.
What was it, Wilfred?
What was it that you lost?
Ah, forget it.
No, I'm interested, mate.
What was it?
Are you shittin' me?
No, no, I-I wanna know.
Well, you'll laugh
when you hear this, but...
it was a tennis ball.
Just a tennis ball.
It was a mangy old thing,
but it was a beauty.
And bounce?
Well, it was Mark's favourite.
And it even had the Woodies'
autographs on it.
Well, he wanted me
to have it, didn't he?
That, in fact... that was the...
last words he spoke to me were,
"I want you to have it."
I sometimes wonder whether
it was something I done.
You know, all the bullshit
you do to yourself.
Where is it now, the ball?
It's just over the roof there -
other side, in the gutter.
What?
Yeah, over there in the gutter.
Mmm, yeah, I'd go over and get it
myself but I've got no grip.
I need boots or something.
I've got no grip.
Oh, it's a fair way up?
Yeah. It's none of your concern.
Well, I'd get it myself,
but I've had a couple of these
and it's pretty dark so...
It'd only take you a minute.
Yeah, it only takes
a couple of seconds to die, so...
Ah, fuck ya!
Hang on, mate, that's not...
Nah, I wouldn't have opened up to ya
if I'd have thought
that you'd twist it
and turn it and use it against me.
Forget it. I opened up again.
I actually should have known better
than thinking you might give a shit.
Oooh, it is pissin' down!
Yeah, it's just further around.
Look, I can't see it, mate.
Keep going.
Just watch your footing -
some of them tiles are loose.
Where is it?
Further around.
It's not here, mate.
You know,
you waltz into people's lives
like the night in shining almonds.
Whoa-ahhhhh!
You know, "shared joy equals more
naughty boy" and all the rest of it.
I guess you thought
this was a pretty easy gig.
Just knock off little mama,
kick me off the bed and watch DVDs.
Yeah, it doesn't work
like that, fella.
Wilfred! Get Sarah, I need help!
Get Sarah, mate.
Oh, cause that's what I'm good for,
isn't it? Fetching help.
My God, your cliches make me sick!
Wilfred, I don't know whatever
I've done to hurt your feelings.
OK, mate, I'm sorry.
I think you might be suffering
from separation anxiety.
Wilfred, I'm not trying to take
you away from Sarah, alright?
Please?
Wasn't there a moment tonight when it
felt like you and I could be friends?
That we could hang out together,
maybe like... maybe like you and Mark?
Arggh!
Maybe we could give it a try.
Hello, sleepyhead.
Hey.
You look so cute when you're asleep.
Do I?
Yeah.
You're like a chubby bug.
Excellent.
Was I snoring?
Yeah.
Cool.
Thanks for coming in.
Oh, Wilfred wanted to come.
Did he?
Yeah, he was
really worried about you.
Hmm. Thought he'd be glad
to see the back of me.
Are you kidding?
You found his tennis ball.
Yeah, but I thought he hated me.
No, no. He really, really likes you.
I mean, I've seen him with, like,
a shitload of guys I've brought home
and he thinks you're great.
Mmm.
You know, his ears prick up
every time I mention your name.
I don't think I can take
the place of Mark, OK?
I don't know, maybe it's too soon
or something, but I...
I just can't do
all the stuff he does.
I feel like he's always looking
over my shoulder, laughing at me.
I don't know.
You're a gorgeous girl,
you can get any guy you like,
a really great guy.
I don't want one of them.
I don't know how to get it through
your fat head, Adam.
I want you.
Do ya?
Yeah.
There we go.
Excuse me?
Is that your Gemini parked outside?
Oh.
He's so gorgeous.
Oooh.
Oooh.
See, this is actually
only one side of me, Adam.
You've actually only seen
one side of me.
I can be quite sensitive.
Yeah, I can see that.
Yeah, that's partly why I sometimes
just call shots as I see 'em.
Well that's great
and everything, Wilfred,
as long as when
you're calling these shots
you don't actually hurt
other individuals.
No, no, no.
I'm not... not hurting individuals.
But,
Adam, I'm actually in the process
of making a lot of changes.
Sweeping changes.
I'm thinking of putting something
back into the community.
Community work.
Like what?
Guide-dog.
Right.
Mmm.
Don't you have to train... train for
that from when you're quite young?
How old do you think I am?
Well, you're not old,
but you're not young, mate.
Young enough to be a guide-dog.
Adam, I just think that you can
be a little bit more supportive
when it comes to
my hopes and dreams.
I am being supportive.
I'm supporting you
by telling the truth.
I'm protecting you from getting...
from getting hurt later on.
I mean, you don't want to have
your hopes and aspirations
spoilt by misinformation.
I can't let that happen to you.
That'd be... that'd be cruel of me.
Oh, I can keep my hopes and asps...
hopes and aspirations.
No, don't worry about it, Adam.
I said don't worry
about it, didn't I?
You know, I was actually joking
about the guide-dog stuff.
You know, you can't take a joke.
I was actually
making a joke for you, Adam.
Right.
Thank you, mate.
Mate, how can you say that?
Now, you listen to me.
You listen to me!
I do listen to you.
I do. I listen to you
quite a bit, Wilfred!
No, not now you're not.
No, no, not now I'm not, no.
Often.
What's that? A mozzie?
Fruit fly. Wrong again, Adam.
Oh, Adam.
Whoops, sorry.
I tried to do a 'Punter' Ponting.
Do you have a-a stance
on... on sex toys?
What?
Still got batteries.
But he hates me.
He's a dog, Adam.
Just some counselling, yeah.
Did you just hear what I just said?
Yeah.
You're a unit, then.
to you, so suddenly, it's hard.
Bloody hard.
Feels like... feels like you're
climbing a bloody mountain sometimes.
But, as they say,
shared joy is double joy
and shared sorrow is half sorrow.
So, um... yeah.
I know exactly how
you must have felt.
That's how I'd feel
if anything happened to Wilfred,
except 10 times worse.
You know,
I love him more than anything.
I think I'd cry more if he died
than if any of my
natural family died.
Are you serious?
Fucken oath.
Wow. That's a lot.
Oh, he is adorable -
basically runs the show.
Runs the show alright.
What's that?
I was just saying he runs the show.
He knows where the boundaries are
and he continues to cross them.
Is that a problem?
Hmm?
Are you saying I spoil him?
Well, yeah, I guess I am,
but, um, I'm not suggesting
that's necessarily a bad thing.
It's, you know...
Because you know, Adam,
it is really important to me
that you guys get along.
I love Wilfred. How could I not?
He's adorable, as you say.
Yeah, well he's all I've got.
Don't know about that.
I wouldn't expect you to.
Hey. Time out.
I love dogs, OK?
We grew up with pets.
Dogs?
Well, no.
What pets?
Birds mostly.
But, um, it taught us a lot about
responsibility and duty of care.
What the fuck is duty of care?
Caring. Caring for creatures.
Am I on trial here?
Feels like I've done something wrong.
You've said all
the right things, Adam.
I know you love Wilfred.
I know he thinks the world of you.
Does he?
Shit, yeah.
You swear a lot.
Fuck me dead!
I just want to let it
fall into place naturally.
I don't want to force
anything, you know.
Adam, I think the turtle's
starting to poke his head out.
I've always been so damn cautious,
but as I get older I...
Wilfred?!
Where is he?
I don't know.
He usually meets me at the door.
Baby?
Look, I've got to drop this poo.
Can you check his den
and see if he's alright?
Yep, yep, yep.
Wilfred, what's going on, mate?
Are you in here?
You in here, buddy?
Wilfred?
I'm not asleep.
Oh, there you are.
Here I am.
Having a little rest?
I don't have little rests.
If I'm not up answering the door
when someone gets home
there's a reason.
Something's wrong
or there's a reason.
You're not feeling the best, mate?
It's that pizza from last night.
It's fucked me.
Are you serious?
You got rid of that box, didn't ya?
Yeah, yeah, I threw it
in a bin down the street.
Don't tell Sarah I'm crook.
I don't want her worrying about me.
Well, if you're sick
she's gonna find out eventually.
I don't want her worrying about me!
OK.
Mmm. Arggh!
Arggh!
Are you alright, Wilfred?
You want us to take you somewhere?
You OK?
Sit down, Adam.
Mate, if you're sick
I want to take you somewhere.
Sit!
So you're it.
I'm what?
You and Sarah.
You did. I know you did.
You gave her the naughty boy last
night when you thought I was asleep.
I don't know what to say.
Nothing to say.
You gave her the naughty boy.
Sarah's been naughty-boyed
and you're the new it.
You've got the it factor.
Wilfred, you've got the it factor
as far as Sarah is concerned.
She loves you, man.
Probably just as well you showed up.
Sarah's gonna need someone
to look after her.
Look, what are you talking about?
Let's just say that
if something was to happen to me,
I'd like to think
you might show up from time to time
to keep an eye on her.
Wilfred, what's going on?
I think I'm on the way out, mate.
What?
Yeah. I'm all over the shop.
My hip's completely fucked,
I can't shit properly.
I think that pizza
pushed me over the edge.
It's... it's not a hypothetical.
Wilfred, I'm sorry.
I'm gonna have to tell Sarah.
Look, we need
to get you some help, mate.
Well actually then, Adam...
if you did want to help...
It's weird having
someone else around again.
Bad weird?
No.
Maybe we should stay
at my place more.
Oh, whatever.
So what are you doing now?
I thought I might hang out
with Wilfred for a bit.
I think he might be feeling
a bit left out.
That is so beautiful.
Thank you.
No, no, no. I want to.
Hey, Sarah, what's in that room
at the top of the stairs?
Oh, the boys' room?
It's just a pile
of old junk, some guns.
It's pretty cool.
Check it out some time.
Oh, it's locked.
The key's on the painting hook
next to the door.
Just don't let Wilfred
see you go up there.
What, he gets a bit excited, does he?
Yeah.
Adam.
Wow, this is great. It's huge.
Boys' room, Adam,
where the big boys play.
Where all the big decisions
get made.
Sarah mentioned something about guns?
Calm down, Adam.
You're not in the movies now.
They're not loaded.
Wow.
It's incredible.
Some of these date back
and turn into a century.
This is an amazing place, Wilfred.
It's got a really good atmosphere.
It's OK.
Don't let those get warm.
No, no, no. I'm onto it.
So Sarah doesn't like
you coming up here?
Painful memories maybe.
Like?
What?
Painful memories like...?
Who's that?
You've got some painful memories?
Ever played pool?
Yeah, yeah, I have, actually.
Played heaps at uni.
Yeah, not swimming pool.
Oooh, nasty.
Foul.
Foul. Foul snooker.
That was not a foul snooker, Wilfred.
Yes, it was.
No, hang on, mate, you can't do that.
No, no, house rules, house rules.
Foul.
Now, that is foul snooker.
Explain to me what a foul snooker is.
I shouldn't have
to explain it to you.
That's it, mate.
That's the end of the game today.
Come on, Maestro.
Mate, if Sarah comes in
and we're looking at this stuff,
she's not gonna like it.
Click it, click it, click it!
Oooh.
She's not gonna be happy
if she sees that.
She's a nice-looking lady, isn't she?
Shh, get down.
This is where it gets
a bit more complicated.
Hang on,
this is someone's house!
No, they're not in the house,
they're out there.
Wilfred, I don't like the idea
of trespassing onto
someone else's private property,
stealing plants
that don't belong to us.
I mean, they could have
any kind of security set-up.
Do I look like an idiot?
Do you think I'm gonna send you
into a booby trap?
Mark's been in there
hundreds of times.
They're just sitting there.
Well, you know where they are.
I can't undo the latch, mate.
Think about it.
Jesus.
Adam, get this one.
Heaven.
A solid mission.
That was not a solid mission.
We'll get the rest next time.
Not with me you won't, mate.
That's it. Alright, you've
got enough for a herbal relaxant.
You've got enough for your sore back.
And hip.
Well, mate, that's enough.
In fact, that... that's heaps.
If you spread it out
it'll last you weeks.
Yeah, if I spread it out.
I'm Lee Marvin.
I'm Lee Marvin!
Well I can't get you
any pizza or nachos, mate.
I can't do that
for you anymore, OK?
Let me ask you a question, Adam.
Here we go.
Have you ever...
owned something special
that someone once gave to you
and you lost it?
And no matter how much
you searched for it -
for days, months and weeks...
you couldn't...
couldn't reach... reach it.
Even when you know where it was,
you can't reach it, you can't...
you can't get to it.
Yeah, I have.
Maybe there's more to you
than I give credit.
What was it, Wilfred?
What was it that you lost?
Ah, forget it.
No, I'm interested, mate.
What was it?
Are you shittin' me?
No, no, I-I wanna know.
Well, you'll laugh
when you hear this, but...
it was a tennis ball.
Just a tennis ball.
It was a mangy old thing,
but it was a beauty.
And bounce?
Well, it was Mark's favourite.
And it even had the Woodies'
autographs on it.
Well, he wanted me
to have it, didn't he?
That, in fact... that was the...
last words he spoke to me were,
"I want you to have it."
I sometimes wonder whether
it was something I done.
You know, all the bullshit
you do to yourself.
Where is it now, the ball?
It's just over the roof there -
other side, in the gutter.
What?
Yeah, over there in the gutter.
Mmm, yeah, I'd go over and get it
myself but I've got no grip.
I need boots or something.
I've got no grip.
Oh, it's a fair way up?
Yeah. It's none of your concern.
Well, I'd get it myself,
but I've had a couple of these
and it's pretty dark so...
It'd only take you a minute.
Yeah, it only takes
a couple of seconds to die, so...
Ah, fuck ya!
Hang on, mate, that's not...
Nah, I wouldn't have opened up to ya
if I'd have thought
that you'd twist it
and turn it and use it against me.
Forget it. I opened up again.
I actually should have known better
than thinking you might give a shit.
Oooh, it is pissin' down!
Yeah, it's just further around.
Look, I can't see it, mate.
Keep going.
Just watch your footing -
some of them tiles are loose.
Where is it?
Further around.
It's not here, mate.
You know,
you waltz into people's lives
like the night in shining almonds.
Whoa-ahhhhh!
You know, "shared joy equals more
naughty boy" and all the rest of it.
I guess you thought
this was a pretty easy gig.
Just knock off little mama,
kick me off the bed and watch DVDs.
Yeah, it doesn't work
like that, fella.
Wilfred! Get Sarah, I need help!
Get Sarah, mate.
Oh, cause that's what I'm good for,
isn't it? Fetching help.
My God, your cliches make me sick!
Wilfred, I don't know whatever
I've done to hurt your feelings.
OK, mate, I'm sorry.
I think you might be suffering
from separation anxiety.
Wilfred, I'm not trying to take
you away from Sarah, alright?
Please?
Wasn't there a moment tonight when it
felt like you and I could be friends?
That we could hang out together,
maybe like... maybe like you and Mark?
Arggh!
Maybe we could give it a try.
Hello, sleepyhead.
Hey.
You look so cute when you're asleep.
Do I?
Yeah.
You're like a chubby bug.
Excellent.
Was I snoring?
Yeah.
Cool.
Thanks for coming in.
Oh, Wilfred wanted to come.
Did he?
Yeah, he was
really worried about you.
Hmm. Thought he'd be glad
to see the back of me.
Are you kidding?
You found his tennis ball.
Yeah, but I thought he hated me.
No, no. He really, really likes you.
I mean, I've seen him with, like,
a shitload of guys I've brought home
and he thinks you're great.
Mmm.
You know, his ears prick up
every time I mention your name.
I don't think I can take
the place of Mark, OK?
I don't know, maybe it's too soon
or something, but I...
I just can't do
all the stuff he does.
I feel like he's always looking
over my shoulder, laughing at me.
I don't know.
You're a gorgeous girl,
you can get any guy you like,
a really great guy.
I don't want one of them.
I don't know how to get it through
your fat head, Adam.
I want you.
Do ya?
Yeah.
There we go.
Excuse me?
Is that your Gemini parked outside?
Oh.
He's so gorgeous.
Oooh.
Oooh.
See, this is actually
only one side of me, Adam.
You've actually only seen
one side of me.
I can be quite sensitive.
Yeah, I can see that.
Yeah, that's partly why I sometimes
just call shots as I see 'em.
Well that's great
and everything, Wilfred,
as long as when
you're calling these shots
you don't actually hurt
other individuals.
No, no, no.
I'm not... not hurting individuals.
But,
Adam, I'm actually in the process
of making a lot of changes.
Sweeping changes.
I'm thinking of putting something
back into the community.
Community work.
Like what?
Guide-dog.
Right.
Mmm.
Don't you have to train... train for
that from when you're quite young?
How old do you think I am?
Well, you're not old,
but you're not young, mate.
Young enough to be a guide-dog.
Adam, I just think that you can
be a little bit more supportive
when it comes to
my hopes and dreams.
I am being supportive.
I'm supporting you
by telling the truth.
I'm protecting you from getting...
from getting hurt later on.
I mean, you don't want to have
your hopes and aspirations
spoilt by misinformation.
I can't let that happen to you.
That'd be... that'd be cruel of me.
Oh, I can keep my hopes and asps...
hopes and aspirations.
No, don't worry about it, Adam.
I said don't worry
about it, didn't I?
You know, I was actually joking
about the guide-dog stuff.
You know, you can't take a joke.
I was actually
making a joke for you, Adam.
Right.
Thank you, mate.
Mate, how can you say that?
Now, you listen to me.
You listen to me!
I do listen to you.
I do. I listen to you
quite a bit, Wilfred!
No, not now you're not.
No, no, not now I'm not, no.
Often.
What's that? A mozzie?
Fruit fly. Wrong again, Adam.
Oh, Adam.
Whoops, sorry.
I tried to do a 'Punter' Ponting.
Do you have a-a stance
on... on sex toys?
What?
Still got batteries.
But he hates me.
He's a dog, Adam.
Just some counselling, yeah.
Did you just hear what I just said?
Yeah.
You're a unit, then.