Wilfred (2011–2014): Season 1, Episode 7 - Pride - full transcript

Ugh! It must be 90 degrees in here.
Turn on your air conditioning.

Wish I could. it's broken.

Oh, I guess it's fixed now.
That's so weird.

Okay, you owe me 60 bucks
for Aunt Cindy's birthday present.

Sixty bucks?

Are you having money problems?
No.

Just waiting for funds to clear.

Ryan, you know that if you need
any help, all you have to do is ask.

But you do have to ask.

Shut up, shut up, shut up!

Come on, let's just get this over with.
How much?



I don't need your money.

Okay, just call me
when you get desperate enough...

...assuming your phone isn't broken.

Bitch!

- Ahem.
- Oh, hey, mate.

I'm going to the mall to get
some free AC.

Sounds like a plan.
I'll just finish up here.

Close your eye, Bear.

Oh, that feels so good.

What do you mean
it wasn't real?

Oh, what, we're having
a little cry now, are we?

Oh, come on, Bear.
Don't be like that.

You realize what you're doing
here is ridiculous, right?

Let's just get out of here
before the Waterworks start up again.



I don't know, Ryan.

Sometimes I get the feeling
maybe Bear isn't the one.

Maybe you need
to spice things up.

Take Bear
to a nice restaurant.

You think?
No.

It's a semen-drenched
teddy bear.

Ah. I've got bigger things
to worry about.

I pretty much burned
through my savings.

I might have to get a job.

Hey.
Jobs are for immigrants.

Why didn't you tell me
you were short, mate?

What's mine is yours.

Do you forget
what we did last night?

It's Monopoly.
It's not real money.

How many times
do I have to tell you that?

One more times.

It's not real money.
Shit!

And I was winning
until you punched me,

grabbed the money,
tipped the table and ran.

I keeps a gangster, Ryan.

You knew that about me
before we set up the board.

If I don't get a job, I'm gonna
have to ask Kristen for money.

There's no way in hell I'm doing that.
That's just stubborn pride.

She's your sister, mate.
She loves you.

Bleed the bitch dry.

I'm not asking for help.
It's too humiliating.

There must be
an easier way.

There is.

What the hell?
Now we sue.

I am so sorry.
My dog jumped over my seat so--

You are a horrible driver.
Just give me your insurance card.

U h ...

Well, hello there.

Nice box.

Between insurance policies?

What the hell does that mean?
I thought we could work--

Shut up, here's what's gonna happen.
My assistant is gonna get an estimate.

And you are gonna show up
at my office today at exactly 6:15.

You be there with your checkbook...

...or I'll call the cops, drag you
into court and sue your nuts off.

You are lucky
I'm such a nice person.

Wait, Raffi,
give us your digits.

Hey, are you on Facebook?

Are you insane?

Thanks to you I'm gonna have to pay
that woman thousands of dollars.

And thanks to you
I'm going to town...

...on the deepest throat in
the stuffed animal kingdom.

Now that I've met Raffi,
how can I go back to Bear?

I mean, sure, Bear put me
through obedience school.

Does that mean I have to be
unhappy for the rest of my life?

If you couldn't see the decline of aluminum
futures coming, you're a mental midget!

You're done, Michael! Go upstairs,
clean out your desk and make it fast!

You, crash boy, inside.

You brought your dog, classy.

Sorry, I'm watching him
for a friend.

What?

Oh, I have had him all week.

You think you would want
your child for the weekend.

Your girlfriend will have someone to
watch Thomas The Tank Engine with.

Forty-eight hundred dollars?
There's no way I can afford this.

Single mom,
lonely, vulnerable.

Perhaps you have something
worth more than money.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about lovemaking so
passionate she wakes up with a limp.

Just keep out of this.

You know what, Graham? Forget it.

I'll tell him that you're dead.

Ah. I'm sorry. It's just been--

it's been one of those weeks.
I've had weeks like that.

Months, actually,
but those things are temporary.

You're an attractive,
successful woman--

Oh, just write the check and get out.

Beth, like every woman,
is a delicate flower.

She may say she wants your money...

...but what she really needs is nurturing,
tenderness and a nasty sex-limp.

Thank you.

Did you really mean
what you said? You...?

You find me attractive?

Well ...

Yes, of course.

Oh, bullshit. You probably think
I'm a total bitch.

But believe me, when I'm not
in this office or in a car accident...

...I am actually a very nice person.

So are you. Ha, ha.

Ask her out to dinner.
Dinner?

Oh, my God,
what a lovely idea.

How about
this Saturday night?

My place.

Um ...

Oh!

Oh.

Take it easy.

I'm just going to Beth's for dinner,
to work out a payment plan.

Nonsense, my dear boy.

As a nobleman once said:

"You can't have dinner
without inner."

As in get up in her?

What is that, that voice?
What is that?

What voice,
my dear boy?

Cut the crap.

You may have shampooed, parted your hair
to the side, but you're the same Wilfred.

All you care about is humping
that little kid's giraffe.

Why, Ryan,
what a villain you paint me as.

It's elementary.

Beth gets serviced, the debt gets wiped
and the giraffe gets e proper buggering.

All Win.

I'm not gonna put out
just to erase a debt.

Nicely done, Ryan.

You make the easy way out
sound like a bloody curse.

Okay then, we won't go.

Just call your sister
and ask for the money.

Look, there's no shame in
admitting you need help.

Swallow your pride, pick up the phone
and this whole situation disappears.

No, that's not an option.

Then go to her, Ryan.

Go to Beth
as I shall go to Raffi.

Let us walk together
towards our destinies, bravely.

Sexually.

Fine, I'll go to dinner but only
if you stop talking like that.

Deal ...

My dear boy.

So you really didn't have
to go to all this trouble.

Well, I usually order in, but tonight
I wanted to do something special.

So I had my assistant whip up
a home-cooked meal.

It's not often I have such
charming company. Ha, ha.

So, hey, listen.

About the money I owe you, I--
Oh, Ryan.

I talk about money all day long.
Please, let's not spoil a beautiful dinner.

I don't know.

I guess since then I've devoted
my life to chasing dreams...

...be they in the form
of cars or other.

I think a life lived with
passion is a life well lived.

Heh. But enough about me.

What makes Raffi tick?

Hey, do you mind?

We're having a conversation,
you adorable little piece of shit.

You know what
I like about you, Ryan?

You're not afraid to go
after what you want.

I like an aggressive man.

Makes me feel so small
and vulnerable.

Like a wittle bunny.

A bad wittle bunny.

- So, uh, 4800 divided by 24 months is--?
- Ryan, Ryan?

I told you no more talk about money.
I'm sure we can work something out later.

Once Tyler goes to sleep.

And besides, wittle Bethie bunny
just got a Bwazilian.

What are you doing
with this little boy?

What you need
is a real man...

...a man with hair
on his chest and his back...

...and his ass and his neck
and his forehead.

A man who can afford
the finer things in life.

Tyler?
Sweetie?

Ready for bed?
What?

No, no.

You're not tired, are you, buddy?
What do you say we play a game?

Games suck.
Don't be rude.

He's very tired.
He'll be asleep any second.

Uh, wait, wait.
Tyler hasn't had his dessert yet.

He doesn't need any dessert.
Look at his tits.

Ryan, can I talk to you
for a minute?

Excuse me, just ...

What are you doing?

No one gets laid while that kid's awake.
Exactly.

Be right back.

Finally.

I thought that precocious
beaver dam would never break.

I can't do this. I can't make love
to someone I'm not connected to.

This is so humiliating.

More humiliating than
asking your sister for help?

Dude, check out the look
Raffi's giving me.

Girl is a freak.

Doing what you want from me
I can be your everything

I just want you close to me

Baby, you're my VIP

You can call me day or night

Boy, I'm gonna treat you right

Move your body close to me

Baby, you're my VIP

Doing what you want from me

I can be your everything

I just want you close to me

Baby, you're my VIP

You can call me day or night

Boy, I'm gonna treat you right

Move your body close to me

Baby, you're my VIP

Can we slow things down?

Wittle bunny wikes it
down there.

I know but we're moving a little--

Yeah, maybe
I didn't make myself clear.

Little bunny wants
cunnilingus performed...

...because it's the only way
little bunny can achieve orgasm.

Uh, I need to pee...

...before we get started.

Wash your hands.

Ryan.
What are you doing?

Same thing you're doing except
all over that little brat's Big Wheel.

We have to get out of here.

Are you kidding me?
This is the best sex I've ever had.

For a gal who's never been out of
the box, Raffi thinks outside of the box.

I'm freaking out.
Beth wants me to--

You know.
Oh, I see.

Little yodeling in the old canyon, eh?
I don't think I can.

You should have thought of that before.
Me, it was--

You think Beth's gonna let you off
if you don't give her what she wants?

Well, no but--

That's really strong.
That'll do the trick.

Now pull yourself together.
You're a cornered animal.

You have a choice to make.
It's eat or be eaten.

Find the animal within.

Goddamn, this must be
some kind of record.

I'm an idiot for not timing this.

Oh, thank God.

Morning.

Morning, Tyler.
Morning.

Eggs?
Actually, I should be going.

Oh, I guess you had enough
to eat last night, huh?

Did you enjoy
your little midnight snack?

I want more cereal.
Tyler, go to your room.

Uh ...

What do you mean,
midnight snack?

You know, when you woke me up
with that thing you did.

To my wabbit hole?
That thing I did?

It was like there was
an animal down there.

So we're at the bowling alley
last night, shit-faced.

One of Ryan's mates puts
the call out for Spastic Bowling.

So Ryan--
I didn't think he'd do this.

But he starts throwing the ball overarm,
making palsy faces and shit.

I didn't agree with that actually.

I told you.

After, we smoked Hong Kongs
on the beach with homeless pricks.

What's with the third degree?
May I speak with you, privately?

Well, anything you can say to me,
say in front of Bear.

Okay, so last night at Beth's--
Whoa, let's take it upstairs.

Not cool, dude.

You said I could say anything.
I assumed it was an open relationship.

It is,
but Bear doesn't know that.

Look, Beth implied there may have been
a certain act performed last night.

And I don't remember
participating in that act.

You were stoned out of your mind, Ryan.
Perhaps, you found the animal within.

Or perhaps you snuck into
the bedroom while we were asleep.

I don't have time to argue
about what did who.

I have to rest before tonight's
encore performance with Raffi.

Oh, no, that was a one-night-only deal.
I just wanna forget this thing happened.

But Raffi and I were gonna--
No.

As you wish, Ryan.

We'll just stay in and play
Monopoly again or Battleship.

You cheat at that too.

Battleships change locations
in the middle of a war, Ryan.

It's what they were designed to do.

Hello?
Yes.

Beth?
The answer is yes.

I got the flowers you sent.

Oh, I sent you flowers?

And I love the card.

"Beth, you were amazing. Looking forward
to an encore performance tonight."

I didn't realize this was going
to be an ongoing thing.

It's quite a surprise.

Yes, it is.

Come by the house tonight after nine.

Tyler should be asleep by then...

...but, uh, wittle bunny
will be wide awake.

Dude!

Ever heard of knocking?
Flowers?

You sent her flowers?
I was home free!

Okay, I'll admit I betrayed you.

But in my defense, I really, really want
to have sex with Raffi again.

It's one of those arguments where neither
of us is right and neither of us is wrong.

We're both kind of swimming
in gray area.

This ends tonight. it's about time
I take control of this situation.

Beth, please, there's something
I need to tell you.

Aah! Look, I think you're a terrific lady,
but I don't see us having a future together.

Any sort of future.

I see.

And if that means that I have
to pay for the accident then--

No, no, it was a--
It was tacit agreement.

I suppose you have some contract
you'd like me to sign.

Well, uh, I used to be a lawyer.
Ahem.

This absolves me of any cost
in relation to the accident.

Just give me the pen.

Although, since this is now...

...technically a business transaction,
I would be doing myself a disservice...

...if I didn't negotiate
a little signing bonus.

Uh ...

Ding-ding, round two.

Uh, that's nice,
but that's not what you did last night.

What do you mean?
Wight bunny, Wong hole.

What, is something wrong?
Uh ...

You know, just get your checkbook.

No, no, no.

Uh, you know...

...I think part of what made last night
so exciting was that you were asleep.

Maybe I could wake you up again.

Oh.

Suddenly, I feel vewy sweepy.

Wash your hands.

Ryan, I'm in over my head.

Turns out Raffi wasn't
fresh out of the box.

She was returned.

Beth wants a repeat of last night.
I need your help.

All right, I'll help you, Ryan.
I'll do anything for you.

But first you need to help me.

Raffi wants to cuckold me.
What?

It's a form of sexual degradation
whereby I'm forced to watch...

...as she's ravaged by someone else,
a lesser physically inadequate lover.

She asked for you specifically.

You want me to have sex
with a stuffed giraffe?

Want has nothing to do with it.
Do you need my help or not?

I can't do this.
Please, Ryan, this is hard enough for me.

This is insane.
Just screw the giraffe.

Oh, why am I doing this?

So you don't have to call your sister
and be humiliated.

What are you doing?

Mom!

I'm gonna ask Kristen for help.
I think so, mate.

I'm getting too old for this shit.

I'm thinking it might be time for me
to settle down, make a commitment.

I'm not young any more.

I'm 7...

...and a half.

Besides, I need more
of a spiritual connection these days.

Something like
what I've got with Bear.

Aah! Bloody hell!

Teeth, Bear, teeth!

Hmm.

Think I've got you here, okay.

It's, uh, Colonel Mustard
in the study with the wrench.

Nope.

OW!
I won.