Wilfred (2011–2014): Season 1, Episode 5 - Respect - full transcript

God, it's so nice to hav an afternoon off.

I'm glad you're able to
come out to lunch with me.

Well, Mondays are usually pretty light.

Um, it's Thursday.

Right. I'm just saying
that Mondays work, too,

lunch-wise.

Jenna?

Oh, my God, Nick! Hey!

I thought it was you.

Uh, this is my neighbor Ryan. Hey.

I profiled Nick for the Local
Hero of the Week segment



on the 5:00 news.

He spent a whole year in Africa
building houses for the poor.

Solar powered, of course.

They each have the carbon footprint

of a tiny African baby.

Oh, and I made them shoes.

Nick is an amazing person.

Hey, it's all about the kids...
who have shoes now.

Wow, you're like the great
white Oprah, aren't you?

Actually, I think of myself as post-racial.

What do you do, Ryan?

Oh, um, well, it's Thursday, so, uh...

Oh, Ryan used to be a very powerful lawyer,

but now he's taking some time off.



Ah... to do what?

Uh, you know...

Well, that sounds...

Come on, mate, give us a bit

of that gouda I'm smelling.

Wilfred, no, you can't have cheese.

What am I supposed to eat?

The grass down here tastes like shit

and the shit tastes like grass!

Wilfred? Wilfred!

Wilfred, come back!

I'll go. You two catch up.

You know cheese isn't good for you.

I'm sick of you telling me
what I can and can't do.

It's like those baby killers say,
"My body, my choice."

I'm sorry, but apparently,
looking after you is

my sole reason for getting out of bed.

What am I doing with my life?

Nothing.

Don't undersell yourself.

How many people can watch a
whole season of The Wire

in one sitting? Not many, I'd wager.

That shit is dense.

The way Jenna jumped in to cover for me...

like I'm some kind of loser.

Is that what people think of me?

What are you, a golden retriever?

What do you care what other people think?

Uh, excuse me.

Would you sign a petition

to support the South Venice Hospice?

Yeah, sure. Great. Just sign

right here, but don't worry
about the address part.

You can just leave that blank.

Why would I do that?

Well, you could list a shelter or something.

Shelter? You think I'm homeless?

Do I look homeless?

Well, you were talking to a dog.

Here we are.

Whoa, you said we were going for a walk.

A walk, Ryan, which by
definition means no destination.

Even a cat knows that.

I thought it would be a good
idea for us to get off the couch

and do some volunteer work.

You mean like community service?

That's for drunk drivers and wife beaters,

not decent folk like us. Now come on.

Let's go over to that
playground and blaze a fatty.

Come on. It'll feel good
to do something worthwhile.

Besides, these people have

a lifetime of wisdom to share with us.

Like what, how to keep
from sitting on your balls?

Wilfred, we're doing this.

You can't make me do whatever you want.

You're not my husband!

Oh, my God! The stench!

Wilfred, you can't pee here.

Why not? Everyone else is.

Hi. We're here to volunteer.

Oh, fantastic.

Stay right there. I'm gonna
start planning your parade.

Just a cake will be fine.

Anyway, uh, this is Wilfred, and I'm...

You know what? Let's not bother
with the names, you know?

If you make it through the day,
we'll revisit this.

Kill me, please!

What? I wanna die!

Why won't they let me die?!

Oh, you don't mean that.

You've got a lot of living to do.

There are mountains to be climbed.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Who's gonna change his diaper

on those mountains,
huh? These people are ready to die.

Hope is the last thing they need.

A coffin is the last thing they need.
Up top. I just thought...

Uh-uh, our only job is to
offer them peace and comfort.

for their final days,
not cheery little pep talks.

Think you can handle that?

Uh-huh. Okay. All right, Mr. Gordon.

You can't do that.

Can't eat cheese, can't jack morphine.

Is there anything I can do, Ryan?

That dog can't be in here!

Oh, it's okay. He's a service dog.

There's something about
that dog I don't like.

Something about him rattles me bones.

I ain't rattling your bones.

Not without a few drinks in me.

Have a nice day.

I don't get it, Ryan.

No one in America wants to be a nurse?

Admit it, Ryan, you're not getting

any satisfaction out of this.

You're only here so Jenna and everyone
will think you're a do-gooder.

Yeah, okay, I want to be admired.

I want people to think I'm a good person

like that douchebag in the park.

What's wrong with that?

The only opinion that matters is yours.

Come on. Let's get stoned and
then go home and get stoned.

I'm not going anywhere, and neither are you.

Fine. You want to heal the
sick like Florence Henderson,

be my guest.

That's Florence Nightingale.

No, I'm talking about the
episode where Jan got the mumps.

Or was that Bobby?
And why did they need Alice?

Sure, they had six kids,

but Carol didn't even work.

I guess what I'm trying to
say is I'm very, very high.

I'm gonna take a nap.

Mr. Helms, I took that pile
of photos on your dresser

and I put them in this scrapbook

so you could look at your loved ones.

If there's anything else I can do for you...

Wait. Yes?

Do that thing you did for me in Paris.

I'm not sure I...

Come on, Betty. The war's over.

Take these trousers off and toss my salad.

What?

Do it, you little whore!

Get your tongue in there
and play with yourself.

That's it. I'm done.

Hey, volunteer guy, scrub that out.

Actually, I was just about
to get my dog and...

Oh, my God, your dog.

Officer, I swear, she told me she was three.

I'm sorry. I'll get him out...

No, no, no, he sensed that
Mr. Gordon was leaving us

and he didn't want him to die alone.

Your dog did a beautiful thing.

He did?

Well, compassion was the
first trick I taught him.

Hi, I'm Ryan.

Everybody, this is Ryan

and his dog Wilfred.

I knew Wilfred was special,
but this is amazing.

Well, I'm not sure he actually did anything.

No, I've heard about this kind of thing.

There was this cat in Ohio
that predicted 22 deaths.

They say that it's a chemical thing,

something that they can smell. Hmm.

I just thought he went
in there to pass out...

...sleep.

So, Wilfred has a gift. How about that.

I am so proud of him.

I'm proud of you both.

Come here, Wilfred. Come here.

I'm gonna make you a special dinner.

Hey, if you're not doing anything,
do you want to join us?

I'm just going to toss a salad.

Sounds great.

Okay.

Think you might be disappointed, mate.

Sometimes the term "tossed salad"

means a bowl of lettuce.

Drop it.

Wilfred, come on.
I don't want you to be sick

when we go back to the hospice tomorrow.

Hmm, yeah, I don't think I'm going back.

What? Why?

I know you're getting off

on being a big hero,
but let's look at the reality.

I'm a dog with a wondrous spiritual gift.

And you're a man who made a
30-foot paperclip chain last week.

Wilfred-- Who has the power now, Ryan?

Cause it's feeling like...

me.

If I'm gonna do this, it's gonna cost you.

Okay, what do you want?

What I want is-- whatever I want.

But that stuff makes you--

Sorry, didn't catch that. Makes me what?

It makes you--

Come again?

I'm not playing this--

Are you--

I--

Oh, God! Oh!

Don't deny yourself, Ryan.

Enjoy it.

Enjoy me.

Look at that.

It's like Wilfred is an
angel of mercy to them.

I'm glad you came back.

It's nice to see someone who really cares.

There's a lot of jerks who volunteer
just to make themselves look good.

You're kidding. Do people actually do that?

Oh, yeah.

That dog need to go back
where he come from--

the gates of Hell.

Maybe you should go back
to where you came from--

right over there where you were standing--

before you came over here.

Don't mind Ruby.

She's been a total bitch since
the earthquake took her family.

Oh, look!

It's like Wilfred can
sense that Mrs. Miller's

ready to leave us.

I'm going to go call her family.

Yeah, you can run, but you can't hide.

But you can't really run either, can you?

Checkmate.

I'm reading you a book, Mr. Helms.

Did I ever tell you about
the time I choked a Jap?

1942. I was at my first Brandeis mixer.

I think it's time for your nap.

What's going on?

Mrs. Miller hasn't passed yet.

Maybe Wilfred's wrong.

Was yesterday just a fluke?

No, no, Wilfred's done this a lot.

He predicted 22 deaths
at a hospital in Ohio.

I thought that was a cat.

Lame-stream media.

Piss off! I'm working!

Maybe he could use a little walk.

What's the problem, Wilfred?

You said you could do this.

Save it, Ryan. I'm under enough pressure.

Where'd you get that key card?

That there be none of your business.

Whoa, you can't do this.

I can do whatever I want.

That's the deal, right?

I'm not kidding around here, Wilfred.

This is serious stuff.

Some of it is.

Some of it's just over-the-counter crap.

This is not going to happen.
All right, then,

well, I guess we're through here.

I'll go back to being a dog,
and you can go back

to your celebrated status as
a land baron in Farmville.

Bottoms up.

Oh, that's right, you're driving.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to go shepherd Mrs.
Miller's soul to Heaven.

Or Hell.

I leave those details to others.

I promise you, she was so close to...

She was right on the brink of death.

Oh...

Tell the truth, Wilfred.

This is all just a scam, isn't it?

These things take time.

Trust me, she's on her way out.

Just get me some dinner. I want pizza.

Huh! The last thing I'm
giving you is more cheese.

Pizza is what I want. We had a deal.

Well, that's when I was stupid enough

to think you were for real. The deal's off.

Now let's get out of here

before we completely humiliate ourselves.

I hate to think that any minute now...

So, about that pizza...

Did you...?

Oh, my God, Wilfred did it again.

And I want the kind with
cheese in the crust.

You lied to me!

You told me you had a gift.

And you told me we were getting pizza.

What's the bigger lie here,
mate? I ask you that.

I can't believe I let this happen.

You killed that woman!

Now that's just crazy talk.

You're really overreacting here.

I saw you with the pillow.

I was fluffing it!

Over her face.

I'm just doing God's work, mate.

And a lot more efficiently, I must say.

Well, it stops now.

Hey! I've been waiting for you to get home.

I told my producer about
your work at the hospice,

and he agreed that you and
Wilfred would be perfect

for our next Hero of the Week segment.

Oh, I'm no hero.

Of course you are. Look, it'll be great.

Me and my cameraman will
follow you around the hospice

so we can show the whole
world what you've done.

I don't think that's such a great idea.
Don't be so modest.

Yeah, it's not like you were
doing this to impress anybody.

Besides, I'm kind of already committed

for tomorrow night's broadcast. Look, Jen...

Ryan, you're doing this.
I can't call my producer

and tell him that I
couldn't book my own dog.

You hear that, Ryan? Hey, we're on.

I'm gonna be a TV star.

I better start working on my catchphrase.

So I'd like to get some B-roll
of you with one of the patients.

Uh, maybe him?

Yeah. Or anyone else?

Hi, I'm Lisa. I'm the
staff coordinator. Jenna.

I am so happy that you're doing a story

on Ryan and his amazing work.

You are an inspiration. I'm really not.

Stop it! Okay, can you believe

that I had to talk him into this?

Some people would kill for
this kind of attention.

I know, right? So humble.

Excuse me.

He's so sweet. I know.

We can't go through with this.

Relax, Ryan.

This is what you wanted, isn't it?

To be a well-regarded douchebag?

No. I mean, I-I thought...

Sorry, Ryan, but I have the power now.

I can't be bothered by
what you want anymore.

Now it's about what the people want.

And they want sweet release.

I'm their savior, mate.

So the question isn't "What does Ryan want?"

It's "What would Wilfred do?"

That's exactly what I'm afraid of.

It's show time.

MAN 1: Hey, everybody, Wilfred's back!

Pick me! I just want to die!

No, no! I'm more tumor than person! Pick me!

I'll suck your dick!

That's a good pitch,
but I want to hear others.

Ah... you.

Skeletor. Why do you deserve to die?

You think you smart,
but I figure out what you are doing!

Your dog be distracting everybody

so you can steal our medicines!

Zip it, Ruby. I checked the records.

Your key card is the only one
accessing the drug closet.

So if anything's missing, it's on you!

You'll be sorry.

Soon, everybody be sorry!

Don't worry, I'll deal with the nurse.

I'll make her see the light.
What are you gonna...?

Hey, are you ready for your close-up?

Okay. All right, Ryan,
we're almost ready. You nervous?

I'm just trying to figure
out how the hell I got here.

Look, just be yourself.

You know, the one thing that being in front

of the camera has taught me is that

some people are gonna like you,

and some people are gonna hate you.

But if you worry about
what other people think,

you'll just drive yourself crazy.

You'll be great.

So I'm just gonna start by
asking you a few questions.

Oh, my God!

It's Ruby.

Wilfred!

Oh, my God, you did it!

You really did it!

Whatever I did, I did for the both of us.

No! I never wanted this!

Tell me something, Ryan.

When those pathetic bags of bones

down there fall to their knees

and pray for death,
who do you think they're praying to?

Me! That's who.

You've lost your mind.

It's like you've got
some kind of God complex!

I'll let you in on a little secret, Ryan.

I haven't got a God complex.

I am God! Thunder!

How did you do that?!

Lucky coincidence!

You've got it wrong, Wilfred...

and so did I!

I don't care what other people think!

The only thing that matters
is how I feel about myself!

Well, it's a little late for that.

I won't let you get away with this.

Stay out of my way...

or the next bed I curl up in might be yours.

No!

I have something to say!

You're making a big mistake, Ryan.

I don't care. I can't let
this go on any longer.

Hey, look, Ruby left a suicide note.

She did?

Are you sure it's in human handwriting?

I swear that's not a racial thing.

Look, Ryan, I hate to do this,

but I think there's a bigger
story here than you and Wilfred.

No, no, no, there's no story here.

We don't need this kind of publicity.

I'm sorry, but you've got a rogue nurse who

apparently stole huge amounts
of drugs and then killed herself

out of guilt. This is a
pretty juicy exclusive.

This hospice is struggling as it is.

This could shut us down.

I know, and I feel really, really badly.

We're going live.

You know, you had me worried
back there at the hospice.

You-you didn't actually
kill anyone, did you?

No! Ryan!

Except for the old lady.
I definitely killed her.

Gotcha.

But seriously, I did.

Ah-ha! I'm kidding!

Wait. You're kidding that you did,

or you're kidding that you didn't?

Okay, Ryan, I... I really don't
want you to get mad here,

but I'm guilty...

of being charming.

And killing an old lady.

With kindness!

And a pillow.

Just kidding!

Or am I?

Nice kid.

That is so typical of Western thinking:

If you can't see it for yourself,

it doesn't exist.

I've actually got many, many magical powers

that would blow your mind.

Like what?

Off the top of my head,
I can make you disappear.

Prove it.

Make me disappear.

Okay.

Look deeply into my eyes.

Now you... you've really got
to concentrate here, okay?

So, we're breathing
deeply in through the nose

and out through the mouth.

Focus.

Now one big one.

Oh! Oh, God!

And just like that, he's gone.