Wilfred (2011–2014): Season 1, Episode 3 - Fear - full transcript
Wilfred is determined to provoke gentle Ryan, whom he considers more wimp the man, into becoming as competitive as an alpha dog who brutally rapes vanquished rivals. Ryan declines attacking the motorcycle thug who bullies the Patels, only agrees to smoking stolen weed and prefers avoiding beatings by talking his way out. When Spencer finds Ryan's wallet, which Wilfred left behind while stealing weed, arrives curiously, Ryan convince him they were both victims, but finds himself the pushy lunatic's new best friend. Dog catcher Jesse refuses to be bribed into liberating Wilfred when he notices Ryan befriended his arch enemy Spencer, but Ryan handles even that in the end.
What?!
I mean, I used to be
invisible to him, but
now he keeps looking at me,
I'm just being paranoid, right?
Well, these buds are called
Purple Thunder Paranoia,
but no, you're not
being paranoid.
No, of course I am.
Like right now, it looks like
he's coming over here.
He looks pissed. Why would he
be coming over here pissed?
I don't know, Ryan. Maybe
because you smashed his window,
stole his weed
and shat in his boot?
You smashed his window.
You, me. What's the difference?
What is the difference?
(clock tolling and ticking)
(distant, rhntythmic thudding)
Wilfred, I think
there's something in that weed.
I don't think so, mate,
but there's only one way
to find out.
(bong water gurgling)
(snap)
Yeah, that doesn't happen
till later.
Later? What are you...?
(loud pounding on door)
Am I dreaming?
I want to wake up now.
Ryan, there's something
I need to tell you.
I don't think
you'll remember this,
but perhaps that's for the best.
None of this is real.
There's no way
he could know it was me.
That's the thing I
need to tell you, mate.
(echoing):
He knows.
(knocking)
(knocking)
Up for a stroll, mate?
Oh. It's for you.
Open it.
You don't have to say,
"Open it," okay, Ryan?
I know to open it.
It's a Kobe beef femur
from a high-end butcher.
It's the best
money can buy.
(sniffing)
You want me to be
excited, Ryan?
Buy me a new bong.
Or better yet,
a vaporizer.
But a bone? It's like giving
a basketball to a black guy.
It was meant to be a token
of our friendship.
Oh, speaking of tokin',
let's spark up some of that
weed we nicked from Spencer.
Maybe we can vaporize
it in my new bone.
Hmm. No.
Won't quite
work, will it?
What's going on here?
What kind of racist monster
would spray-paint the symbol
of another person's culture?
It's a hate crime!
Hey white boy,
is that your dog?
No, I'm just watching him
for a friend.
My wife is extremely
fearful of dogs.
Lakshmi was bitten in
the old neighborhood.
So would you please?!
Wilfred,
come!
Please?
It's not like
I was gonna bite her.
Last time I had Indian,
it gave me the shits for a week.
Come back to the
scene of the crime,
I know it was you!
I had to call the cops on
that hoodlum a few weeks ago.
I'm certain this is his revenge.
That motorcycle dick is
ruining the neighborhood.
You need to put that
asshole in his place.
What's the point
of a confrontation?
I'd just get
my ass kicked.
So what? That'd
be less painful
than walking around
in constant fear.
What would you
suggest I do?
March over there, look
him straight in the eye,
and say, "I'm the man
who shat in your boot."
You want me
to have sex with him?
It's called domination.
That's how dogs handle it, and
believe me, it's very effective.
And have you done this
with another dog?
Every goddamn day.
in which I would do
something like that.
Well then, you have
no imagination.
If only that were true.
I mean, I used to be
invisible to him, but...
like-like he knew
we stole these plants from him.
Well, these buds
are called
Purple Thunder Paranoia,
but no,
you're not being paranoid.
Of course I am.
(water gurgling)
(quiet ticking)
Ryan, there's something
I need to tell you.
(loud knocking)
Is that...?
It is.
Mate, the thing is, he knows.
How is that possible?
Because after
we broke into his house,
I think I may have left
your wallet under the window.
What?!
Actually,
wait. No, no.
I definitely did do that.
(loud knocking)
(knocking)
SPENCER:
I know you're in there!
Why the hell would you leave
my wallet outside his window?
I don't know, Ryan.
Why is the sky grey?
Why is the grass grey?
Why is a rainbow grey, grey,
grey, grey, grey
and infra-grey?
Now open the door, pull down
his pants and tear that ass up.
(knocking)
Hey, Ryan,
lose something?!
Uh. Oh, wow,
I've been looking for this.
Yeah, because
you dropped it
when you broke into my
house, you piece of shit.
Enough words, Ryan! I'll hold
him down, you get his pants off.
No! No, no, no, no, no.
Yeah, go ahead, but I'm
not a very good listener.
They, uh... they-they broke
into my house, too!
Come on, Ryan.
Only a complete tosser
would believe...
Keep
talking.
Yeah.
They stole my wallet.
They-They must have dropped it
when they broke into your house.
Bullshit.
Bullshit.
No!
N-No bullshit, and
that sick bastard actually
took a dump on my Blu-ray.
He shit in my boots!
Yeah.
Guess you think
you're pretty clever, eh, Ryan?
looks like
we're both victims here.
I'm sorry,
I-I didn't even get your name.
Oh, it's Spencer.
You know, it's funny.
I... I've seen you
around the neighborhood,
and I... I always
figured you were a dick,
but now I feel
like I'm the dick.
(Ryan laughs)
I'm sorry I
barged in on you.
Hey, it's fine.
ah.
You make me sick.
Oh, you're mad at me?
You set me up!
You pussed out!
I did not
puss out.
Sometimes when I look at you,
I can almost see
a giant tampon string
hanging out of you.
Ryan, you can't
run away from your problems.
the way that did not
get my ass kicked.
He's gone, and he's
not coming back.
Well, that's interesting,
because he's at the front door.
No, he's not.
(quiet knocking)
Hey,
now that I think you're cool,
and you think I'm cool,
You like porn?
God, listen to me.
What am I, some
kind of idiot?
Who doesn't like porn?
(woman moaning on computer)
You too, right?
Uh...
(woman moaning)
Yeah... I guess.
WILFRED:
Having fun, Ryan?
Just another lazy
Sunday watching porn
with your drunk,
rock-hard neighbor.
It's all good.
I'm having a great time,
too, buddy.
Hard to believe four hours ago,
we didn't even know each other.
Hey, how... how long does
that battery last anyway?
Oh, shit! I should have
brought my cord.
You're not a Mac guy,
are you?
Oh, well, the
thing is, I...
Nice save!
Good doggy! Yeah.
Uh, well, let
me... let me just
feed Wilfred his lunch,
and then we can resume
porning out.
(woman moaning on computer)
Okay, lunch-wise,
I'm thinking
a thinly-sliced
porterhouse on a...
I'm not making you lunch,
Wilfred!
It's like you're torturing me
for fun. Why?
I'm giving you a gift,
and it pains me to
watch you squander it.
A gift?! What you're giving me
is a sociopathic,
porn-crazed pain
in the ass.
Oh, I forgot.
You're the resident
authority on gift giving.
That bone is
a nice gift.
It's a shit gift!
What I'm giving you
is far more valuable.
A chance to be rid of
that knuckle-dragging asshole
once and for all.
I'm gonna get rid
of him... my way.
(woman moaning on computer)
Hey buddy,
Oh, I get it.
Say no more. I, uh...
(laughing):
Sometimes I come on
a little bit strong.
You know, at least, that's
what my caseworker says.
So enough porn.
Yeah.
Whoa.
Let's hit
the titty bar!
Oh, that... that...
that sounds fun, um,
but I-I really should...
I should clean out the poop
from the Blu-ray player.
It's been a few days, so...
Oh. Oh, okay.
Okay, rain
check, buddy.
Okay.
some of that weed
we stole off Spencer!
Yeah, stolen weed
right here.
What is up with your dog?
I'll bring it up.
SPENCER:
He is, like, freaking out.
Shouldn't we see
what's up?
No. Hey.
You know what? Let's go
to the titty bar.
Great!
First round
jerk-jobs on me!
♪ Oh, oh, oh-oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh-oh, oh ♪
Are you sure it's okay
to have my dog here?
I think it's
pronounced, "Medea."
Your new nickname?
"The Professor."
♪ Oh, oh, oh,
p-p-p push it ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh-oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh-oh, oh... ♪
Phew. Hey, Ryan,
check out these
wrecked udders.
(laughs)
Ooh, ooh.
God. Listen to me.
This is how jaded you get
when you have a transsexual
stripper for a dad.
Now, he had
perfect breasts.
Yeah, I saw them in
that porn you showed me.
♪ Yeah, let's go ♪
♪ Oh, to the merry go round
we go ♪
♪ Baby goes down,
baby goes down low ♪
♪ Pop star go powder your nose ♪
♪ I'll take you
to an Alabama carnival ♪
♪ You want a tough white boy ♪
♪ Well, I got dick
like Marlon Brando ♪
♪ That's good to know, but can
you push it back and forth? ♪
You can tell me
anything, Ryan.
And I want you to be
completely honest with me.
My last buddy...
Jesse...
he was a liar and a thief.
And that's why I punched
him hein the throat
Now, what'd you
want to tell me?
I was just gonna say, um...
th-that stripper
has weird breasts.
Her?
Her?
Mm.
That was weird.
I got half a bottle of schlag
and taco shells inside.
The night is young.
Schlag and taco
shells it is!
W-Wilfred, come here!
Relax. I know how
to get him back.
Look at that
dumb dog.
(laughing)
Ryan!
Are you seeing this?
(laughing quietly)
all... logic!
Why...
can't I...
catch... it?
Ryan... make
it stop.
do something!
Wilfred's been
misbehaving all day.
He deserves this.
Okay, check this out.
(panting)
Where are you,
you gray bastard?
Show yourself!
Let's finish this!
What's going on?
What's all the noise?
There you are.
(Lakshmi screams)
Wilfred, no!
What are you
gonna do with him?
Don't worry,
we're gonna take him to
a nice farm upstate.
Ooh, a farm.
With duckies and piggies
and ponies.
(gasps)
I wonder if I can
kill a pony.
There must be something
I can do. Please.
(indistinct radio transmission)
All right, give
me 50 bucks,
I'll leave him leashed
up to the Dumpster
behind Animal Control.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
SPENCER:
Hey, Ryan! I just
found this Persian chick
on Craig's List who said she'll
let us throw a shoe at her.
What the hell is he doing here!
Spencer.
Jesse.
Wait. You're Jesse?
SPENCER:
Yeah, that's
the little bitch who
stole my girlfriend
and my toaster oven.
You banged my mom!
One time! And I texted you
the minute I finished!
I didn't lie about it!
You're friends
with this jerk?
Best friends.
Huh.
Well, in that case...
the deal's off!
Oh, and by the way,
there is no farm.
He's getting the needle.
So long, Ryan.
Come visit me at the farm.
Bring bread for the ducks!
JESSE:
What the hell?
I told you
the deal was off.
I'm onlye here becaue
my new best friend
asked me to come.
You two have some
things to talk about.
Right, Spencer?
five minutes alone
to say good-bye to my dog?
Ten cages down
on your right.
Yeah, I hear you yapping.
You want the smokes,
but what are
you gonna do for me?
You think it was easy
smuggling these in?
Believe me, it didn't
tickle coming out.
It's about time.
I'm working on it.
I shouldn't have let
Spencer tease you with
that laser pointer.
I'm sorry.
Apology accepted.
Isn't there something
you'd like to apologize for?
Everything else you've
put me through today?
Why would I apologize
for giving you a gift?
If anything, a thank you
would be nice.
JESSE: Uh, yeah, she
was your girlfriend,
but she was
a prostitute!
You knew damn well she
didn't work on Saturdays!
You banged her on Shabbas, man!
Seems like you've got everything
under control, eh, Ryan?
Getting my ass kicked
is not gonna solve anything.
Ryan, will you please
tell this lying thief
Oh, right! This coming
from the guy who took
advantage of my mom!
My sweet, innocent mom
when she was on ecstasy!
Okay, guys, enough!
Spencer,
you may not think what
you did to Jesse was wrong,
but he thinks
it was wrong, and
he was hurt by it.
The same goes
for you, too, Jesse.
And if caring about
your best friend's feelings
isn't important to you,
then maybe you don't know
what friendship really is.
Aw, take your mutt.
I'll lose the paperwork.
Thank you.
You... watched
any porn lately?
All I do is watch
porn. (laughs)
Oh, hey, Ryan, do
you mind if I, um...
Not at all.
Go porn out.
So, Spencer's
back with Jesse,
and I didn't get
my ass kicked.
Guess I can run away
from my problems.
(woman moaning on video)
Hey!
The third amigo has arrived!
on my way over to Spencer's
to grab the schlag.
Nice! You brought food
for the crew!
Jesse and I let ourselves in.
I hope you don't mind.
I don't mind, Ryan.
Do you mind?
Oh!
Okay, here's what
I'm thinking, all right?
Once we all get nice and wasted:
bottle rocket fight.
Then, assuming
there's no major burns,
we head over
to the waterslide park.
(quietly, echoing):
And after that,
we go to the bar,
where the bartender
won't even throw us out
because it's, like,
the best bar ever.
I shat in your boot.
What?
I broke your window,
I stole your weed,
and I took a shit
in your boot.
And then I lied
to your face.
Why?
Because you're an
assholpee, Spence.
How am I an asshole?
Because you-you
rev your motorcycle
at all hours
of the night,
you sprayed the Patels' statue,
and you leave your damn
trash cans in front of
my damn garage all...
You steal from me,
lie to me!
I am gonna rip your...
(thudding)
You all right, mate?
(Ryan groans)
Am I all right?
Oh.
Oh.
(snapping)
and I think he may have
broken my eye socket.
I was in a fight.
(Spencer groaning quietly)
With a scary dude.
And I'm all right!
Thanks, Wilfred.
Thank you.
(Ryan laughs,
footsteps approaching)
What the hell?
I, uh...
He has ten seconds
to get his friend
out of your house.
You have ten seconds
to get your friend
out of my house.
Or else the same thing's
gonna happen to him.
Or else the same thing's
gonna happen to you.
Oh, shit, man!
WILFRED:
And if you ever see his face
again, you're gonna
slash his family's
throats in their sleep
and then go to
their funerals
and slaughter
everyone who shows up.
Oh, that's gold.
Say that, Ryan.
I'm not saying that.
Um, I guess
I'd screw Toto,
marry Lassie and
kill Marmaduke.
Your turn.
Oh, no thanks.
Dogs aren't really my thing.
Uh... all right.
I guess I'd screw
Anne Hathaway.
No, no, she's
not on the list.
Go pick someone
on the list.
(water gurgling)
These are all dogs.
(inhaling)
You can't screw Lassie.
She's my wife!
The only other name
on here is Scrappy-Doo.
That's sick, Ryan.
He's only ten months old.
What, you-you into kiddies?
Is that your thing?
I didn't have
any other choice!
You could have
taken a pass.
You're doing it wrong.
No, I'm not.
You're missing the
whole point of the toy.
Here, give it here.
(grunts)
(imitates breaking wind)
(laughing)
(laughing)
I mean, I used to be
invisible to him, but
now he keeps looking at me,
I'm just being paranoid, right?
Well, these buds are called
Purple Thunder Paranoia,
but no, you're not
being paranoid.
No, of course I am.
Like right now, it looks like
he's coming over here.
He looks pissed. Why would he
be coming over here pissed?
I don't know, Ryan. Maybe
because you smashed his window,
stole his weed
and shat in his boot?
You smashed his window.
You, me. What's the difference?
What is the difference?
(clock tolling and ticking)
(distant, rhntythmic thudding)
Wilfred, I think
there's something in that weed.
I don't think so, mate,
but there's only one way
to find out.
(bong water gurgling)
(snap)
Yeah, that doesn't happen
till later.
Later? What are you...?
(loud pounding on door)
Am I dreaming?
I want to wake up now.
Ryan, there's something
I need to tell you.
I don't think
you'll remember this,
but perhaps that's for the best.
None of this is real.
There's no way
he could know it was me.
That's the thing I
need to tell you, mate.
(echoing):
He knows.
(knocking)
(knocking)
Up for a stroll, mate?
Oh. It's for you.
Open it.
You don't have to say,
"Open it," okay, Ryan?
I know to open it.
It's a Kobe beef femur
from a high-end butcher.
It's the best
money can buy.
(sniffing)
You want me to be
excited, Ryan?
Buy me a new bong.
Or better yet,
a vaporizer.
But a bone? It's like giving
a basketball to a black guy.
It was meant to be a token
of our friendship.
Oh, speaking of tokin',
let's spark up some of that
weed we nicked from Spencer.
Maybe we can vaporize
it in my new bone.
Hmm. No.
Won't quite
work, will it?
What's going on here?
What kind of racist monster
would spray-paint the symbol
of another person's culture?
It's a hate crime!
Hey white boy,
is that your dog?
No, I'm just watching him
for a friend.
My wife is extremely
fearful of dogs.
Lakshmi was bitten in
the old neighborhood.
So would you please?!
Wilfred,
come!
Please?
It's not like
I was gonna bite her.
Last time I had Indian,
it gave me the shits for a week.
Come back to the
scene of the crime,
I know it was you!
I had to call the cops on
that hoodlum a few weeks ago.
I'm certain this is his revenge.
That motorcycle dick is
ruining the neighborhood.
You need to put that
asshole in his place.
What's the point
of a confrontation?
I'd just get
my ass kicked.
So what? That'd
be less painful
than walking around
in constant fear.
What would you
suggest I do?
March over there, look
him straight in the eye,
and say, "I'm the man
who shat in your boot."
You want me
to have sex with him?
It's called domination.
That's how dogs handle it, and
believe me, it's very effective.
And have you done this
with another dog?
Every goddamn day.
in which I would do
something like that.
Well then, you have
no imagination.
If only that were true.
I mean, I used to be
invisible to him, but...
like-like he knew
we stole these plants from him.
Well, these buds
are called
Purple Thunder Paranoia,
but no,
you're not being paranoid.
Of course I am.
(water gurgling)
(quiet ticking)
Ryan, there's something
I need to tell you.
(loud knocking)
Is that...?
It is.
Mate, the thing is, he knows.
How is that possible?
Because after
we broke into his house,
I think I may have left
your wallet under the window.
What?!
Actually,
wait. No, no.
I definitely did do that.
(loud knocking)
(knocking)
SPENCER:
I know you're in there!
Why the hell would you leave
my wallet outside his window?
I don't know, Ryan.
Why is the sky grey?
Why is the grass grey?
Why is a rainbow grey, grey,
grey, grey, grey
and infra-grey?
Now open the door, pull down
his pants and tear that ass up.
(knocking)
Hey, Ryan,
lose something?!
Uh. Oh, wow,
I've been looking for this.
Yeah, because
you dropped it
when you broke into my
house, you piece of shit.
Enough words, Ryan! I'll hold
him down, you get his pants off.
No! No, no, no, no, no.
Yeah, go ahead, but I'm
not a very good listener.
They, uh... they-they broke
into my house, too!
Come on, Ryan.
Only a complete tosser
would believe...
Keep
talking.
Yeah.
They stole my wallet.
They-They must have dropped it
when they broke into your house.
Bullshit.
Bullshit.
No!
N-No bullshit, and
that sick bastard actually
took a dump on my Blu-ray.
He shit in my boots!
Yeah.
Guess you think
you're pretty clever, eh, Ryan?
looks like
we're both victims here.
I'm sorry,
I-I didn't even get your name.
Oh, it's Spencer.
You know, it's funny.
I... I've seen you
around the neighborhood,
and I... I always
figured you were a dick,
but now I feel
like I'm the dick.
(Ryan laughs)
I'm sorry I
barged in on you.
Hey, it's fine.
ah.
You make me sick.
Oh, you're mad at me?
You set me up!
You pussed out!
I did not
puss out.
Sometimes when I look at you,
I can almost see
a giant tampon string
hanging out of you.
Ryan, you can't
run away from your problems.
the way that did not
get my ass kicked.
He's gone, and he's
not coming back.
Well, that's interesting,
because he's at the front door.
No, he's not.
(quiet knocking)
Hey,
now that I think you're cool,
and you think I'm cool,
You like porn?
God, listen to me.
What am I, some
kind of idiot?
Who doesn't like porn?
(woman moaning on computer)
You too, right?
Uh...
(woman moaning)
Yeah... I guess.
WILFRED:
Having fun, Ryan?
Just another lazy
Sunday watching porn
with your drunk,
rock-hard neighbor.
It's all good.
I'm having a great time,
too, buddy.
Hard to believe four hours ago,
we didn't even know each other.
Hey, how... how long does
that battery last anyway?
Oh, shit! I should have
brought my cord.
You're not a Mac guy,
are you?
Oh, well, the
thing is, I...
Nice save!
Good doggy! Yeah.
Uh, well, let
me... let me just
feed Wilfred his lunch,
and then we can resume
porning out.
(woman moaning on computer)
Okay, lunch-wise,
I'm thinking
a thinly-sliced
porterhouse on a...
I'm not making you lunch,
Wilfred!
It's like you're torturing me
for fun. Why?
I'm giving you a gift,
and it pains me to
watch you squander it.
A gift?! What you're giving me
is a sociopathic,
porn-crazed pain
in the ass.
Oh, I forgot.
You're the resident
authority on gift giving.
That bone is
a nice gift.
It's a shit gift!
What I'm giving you
is far more valuable.
A chance to be rid of
that knuckle-dragging asshole
once and for all.
I'm gonna get rid
of him... my way.
(woman moaning on computer)
Hey buddy,
Oh, I get it.
Say no more. I, uh...
(laughing):
Sometimes I come on
a little bit strong.
You know, at least, that's
what my caseworker says.
So enough porn.
Yeah.
Whoa.
Let's hit
the titty bar!
Oh, that... that...
that sounds fun, um,
but I-I really should...
I should clean out the poop
from the Blu-ray player.
It's been a few days, so...
Oh. Oh, okay.
Okay, rain
check, buddy.
Okay.
some of that weed
we stole off Spencer!
Yeah, stolen weed
right here.
What is up with your dog?
I'll bring it up.
SPENCER:
He is, like, freaking out.
Shouldn't we see
what's up?
No. Hey.
You know what? Let's go
to the titty bar.
Great!
First round
jerk-jobs on me!
♪ Oh, oh, oh-oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh-oh, oh ♪
Are you sure it's okay
to have my dog here?
I think it's
pronounced, "Medea."
Your new nickname?
"The Professor."
♪ Oh, oh, oh,
p-p-p push it ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh-oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh-oh, oh... ♪
Phew. Hey, Ryan,
check out these
wrecked udders.
(laughs)
Ooh, ooh.
God. Listen to me.
This is how jaded you get
when you have a transsexual
stripper for a dad.
Now, he had
perfect breasts.
Yeah, I saw them in
that porn you showed me.
♪ Yeah, let's go ♪
♪ Oh, to the merry go round
we go ♪
♪ Baby goes down,
baby goes down low ♪
♪ Pop star go powder your nose ♪
♪ I'll take you
to an Alabama carnival ♪
♪ You want a tough white boy ♪
♪ Well, I got dick
like Marlon Brando ♪
♪ That's good to know, but can
you push it back and forth? ♪
You can tell me
anything, Ryan.
And I want you to be
completely honest with me.
My last buddy...
Jesse...
he was a liar and a thief.
And that's why I punched
him hein the throat
Now, what'd you
want to tell me?
I was just gonna say, um...
th-that stripper
has weird breasts.
Her?
Her?
Mm.
That was weird.
I got half a bottle of schlag
and taco shells inside.
The night is young.
Schlag and taco
shells it is!
W-Wilfred, come here!
Relax. I know how
to get him back.
Look at that
dumb dog.
(laughing)
Ryan!
Are you seeing this?
(laughing quietly)
all... logic!
Why...
can't I...
catch... it?
Ryan... make
it stop.
do something!
Wilfred's been
misbehaving all day.
He deserves this.
Okay, check this out.
(panting)
Where are you,
you gray bastard?
Show yourself!
Let's finish this!
What's going on?
What's all the noise?
There you are.
(Lakshmi screams)
Wilfred, no!
What are you
gonna do with him?
Don't worry,
we're gonna take him to
a nice farm upstate.
Ooh, a farm.
With duckies and piggies
and ponies.
(gasps)
I wonder if I can
kill a pony.
There must be something
I can do. Please.
(indistinct radio transmission)
All right, give
me 50 bucks,
I'll leave him leashed
up to the Dumpster
behind Animal Control.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
SPENCER:
Hey, Ryan! I just
found this Persian chick
on Craig's List who said she'll
let us throw a shoe at her.
What the hell is he doing here!
Spencer.
Jesse.
Wait. You're Jesse?
SPENCER:
Yeah, that's
the little bitch who
stole my girlfriend
and my toaster oven.
You banged my mom!
One time! And I texted you
the minute I finished!
I didn't lie about it!
You're friends
with this jerk?
Best friends.
Huh.
Well, in that case...
the deal's off!
Oh, and by the way,
there is no farm.
He's getting the needle.
So long, Ryan.
Come visit me at the farm.
Bring bread for the ducks!
JESSE:
What the hell?
I told you
the deal was off.
I'm onlye here becaue
my new best friend
asked me to come.
You two have some
things to talk about.
Right, Spencer?
five minutes alone
to say good-bye to my dog?
Ten cages down
on your right.
Yeah, I hear you yapping.
You want the smokes,
but what are
you gonna do for me?
You think it was easy
smuggling these in?
Believe me, it didn't
tickle coming out.
It's about time.
I'm working on it.
I shouldn't have let
Spencer tease you with
that laser pointer.
I'm sorry.
Apology accepted.
Isn't there something
you'd like to apologize for?
Everything else you've
put me through today?
Why would I apologize
for giving you a gift?
If anything, a thank you
would be nice.
JESSE: Uh, yeah, she
was your girlfriend,
but she was
a prostitute!
You knew damn well she
didn't work on Saturdays!
You banged her on Shabbas, man!
Seems like you've got everything
under control, eh, Ryan?
Getting my ass kicked
is not gonna solve anything.
Ryan, will you please
tell this lying thief
Oh, right! This coming
from the guy who took
advantage of my mom!
My sweet, innocent mom
when she was on ecstasy!
Okay, guys, enough!
Spencer,
you may not think what
you did to Jesse was wrong,
but he thinks
it was wrong, and
he was hurt by it.
The same goes
for you, too, Jesse.
And if caring about
your best friend's feelings
isn't important to you,
then maybe you don't know
what friendship really is.
Aw, take your mutt.
I'll lose the paperwork.
Thank you.
You... watched
any porn lately?
All I do is watch
porn. (laughs)
Oh, hey, Ryan, do
you mind if I, um...
Not at all.
Go porn out.
So, Spencer's
back with Jesse,
and I didn't get
my ass kicked.
Guess I can run away
from my problems.
(woman moaning on video)
Hey!
The third amigo has arrived!
on my way over to Spencer's
to grab the schlag.
Nice! You brought food
for the crew!
Jesse and I let ourselves in.
I hope you don't mind.
I don't mind, Ryan.
Do you mind?
Oh!
Okay, here's what
I'm thinking, all right?
Once we all get nice and wasted:
bottle rocket fight.
Then, assuming
there's no major burns,
we head over
to the waterslide park.
(quietly, echoing):
And after that,
we go to the bar,
where the bartender
won't even throw us out
because it's, like,
the best bar ever.
I shat in your boot.
What?
I broke your window,
I stole your weed,
and I took a shit
in your boot.
And then I lied
to your face.
Why?
Because you're an
assholpee, Spence.
How am I an asshole?
Because you-you
rev your motorcycle
at all hours
of the night,
you sprayed the Patels' statue,
and you leave your damn
trash cans in front of
my damn garage all...
You steal from me,
lie to me!
I am gonna rip your...
(thudding)
You all right, mate?
(Ryan groans)
Am I all right?
Oh.
Oh.
(snapping)
and I think he may have
broken my eye socket.
I was in a fight.
(Spencer groaning quietly)
With a scary dude.
And I'm all right!
Thanks, Wilfred.
Thank you.
(Ryan laughs,
footsteps approaching)
What the hell?
I, uh...
He has ten seconds
to get his friend
out of your house.
You have ten seconds
to get your friend
out of my house.
Or else the same thing's
gonna happen to him.
Or else the same thing's
gonna happen to you.
Oh, shit, man!
WILFRED:
And if you ever see his face
again, you're gonna
slash his family's
throats in their sleep
and then go to
their funerals
and slaughter
everyone who shows up.
Oh, that's gold.
Say that, Ryan.
I'm not saying that.
Um, I guess
I'd screw Toto,
marry Lassie and
kill Marmaduke.
Your turn.
Oh, no thanks.
Dogs aren't really my thing.
Uh... all right.
I guess I'd screw
Anne Hathaway.
No, no, she's
not on the list.
Go pick someone
on the list.
(water gurgling)
These are all dogs.
(inhaling)
You can't screw Lassie.
She's my wife!
The only other name
on here is Scrappy-Doo.
That's sick, Ryan.
He's only ten months old.
What, you-you into kiddies?
Is that your thing?
I didn't have
any other choice!
You could have
taken a pass.
You're doing it wrong.
No, I'm not.
You're missing the
whole point of the toy.
Here, give it here.
(grunts)
(imitates breaking wind)
(laughing)
(laughing)