Wilfred (2011–2014): Season 1, Episode 1 - Happiness - full transcript

Nailed it.

So long, girl next door.

Hope they find my body before
the smell becomes a problem for you.

- Shit, balls, that's loud.
- It's the middle of the bloody night!

Wilfred, that's enough.

You're lucky I'm indoors, you prick!

- Stop it.
- Boyfriend. Figures.

Christ, you know how long
it took for me to get comfortable?

The sun is out
The sky is blue

There 's not a cloud

Ugh.



To spoil the view
But it's raining

Raining in my heart

Oh, misery

Misery

What's gonna become of me

Oh!

What?

Hey, wh-- Oh.

How you doing?

I live next door. We've waved.

Of course. Ryan.
Jenna.

Can I get you something? Orange juice,
medical attention? Heh, hen, heh.

I'm okay. it's lack of sleep.

Oh, God, I know. It's that stupid jerk
with his motorcycle. It drives Wilfred nuts.



Sorry about all the noise
that he made, by the way.

Hey, he just said
what we were all thinking, right?

I guess.

LAUGHS]

Uh-- I know we've just met and this is a
huge imposition, but I'm totally desperate.

The exterminator is on his way...

...and I completely forgot
to make arrangements for my dog...

...and they say that if I leave him
in the house, it's just gonna kill him...

...and so, I was wondering...

...would it be okay if he stayed in
your yard until I get home from work?

Huh?
You're right.

That's too much to ask. Sorry.

No, it's not. I--
Oh, great. Wilfred, come here, boy.

He's really sweet.

There's our little man.
You like dogs?

- Yeah.
- Oh, great.

Well, here's a few of his toys
and some snacks.

Be a good boy.

I really appreciate this.

Very nice.
Huh!

Some sofas, it's impossible
to get comfortable. Not this one.

Ryan, is it?
Yeah.

Got any DVDS?
A few.

I like Matt Damon.

Yeah, he's good.

EI_I_ PHONE RINGS]

it's my sister.
Just pretend I'm not here.

Oh.

Hello, Kristen.
So are you excited?

I don't know what I am.

It's your first day on a new job,
anxiety is to be expected.

It's why I prescribed those pills.
Yeah, about those.

They didn't really seem to--

- Do you need to go out?
- Who are you talking to?

On, it's just ...

Look, the thing is, I really appreciate
your help getting me this job...

...at the hospital and all...

...but I'm not sure working in contract
administration will make me happy.

Happy?

You wanna be happy, Ryan?
You think Dad is happy?

No. I know I screwed up.

You think I'm happy?
No, I would never--

Do you think I love pulling out babies 24/7?
I mean, I have to eat with these hands.

I need some water. Water.
My gardener just got deported.

You think he's happy?

No, Ryan, nobody's happy, all right?

Now, listen, you're not exactly a hot
commodity any more. You need this job.

Okay. Thanks for the pep talk.

You're welcome. Now, remember,
it's all about perception.

You just gotta change the way
you're seeing things, all right?

I'll work on that.

Have a seat. I ain't gonna bite you.

Biting's the easy way out.

Not that I don't think about it.

Ooh. A bit jumpy, are we?
No. I'm cool.

I'm 7 years old, Ryan.
Too old and too wise for lies.

I can smell your fear like I smell
the sour milk in the fridge.

I drank some last night. It was fine.

It was.

But it's gone bad. Just happened
while we were talking.

No, I'm starting a new job today.

Ryan, you're not going to work today.

Got to cough to get off.

It's been a while.

Can you really smell the milk
in my fridge?

My nose is a very exquisite
and sensitive organ...

...and right now
it is currently smelling fear.

Fear, sour milk, and human shit.

You mean me?

No, I just showered,
I'm crazy clean back there.

There are such things in this world
as particles.

Particles so small that you cannot
possibly detect it with your naked eyes.

And I put it to you
that there are particles...

...of human shit lingering
in the fibers of your underpants.

I don't think there's any particles.
Mate, I'm telling you, there are particles.

And they are lingering.

I need to sleep.

Lights out, Ryan.

Shit.

- Kristen.
- You are so dead.

I vouched for you, and now you are
a no-show on your first day of work?

Dr. Ramos is furious!

I'm sorry and I've had
a rough morning.

You had a rough morning?

Try prying twin boys
out of a tight little Asian gal.

She wasn't Asian-American,
Ryan, she was real Asian!

I had to do so much slicing and dicing down
there, it looked like a goddamn Benihana.

So why don't you get your shit together
and come to work.

ugh! ugh!
WILFRED; Yoo-hoo.

Hah!
Nice nap, Ryan?

Oh, scared you, eh?
Give you quite en fright, did I?

Am I dead?

Aah!
Seems not.

Come on, I wanna
show you something.

What did you...? Why?

Anxiety.

Jenna's been away too long.
She's a goner. I'm sure of it.

She probably choked on something.
Piece of LEGO or something.

She's just at work.

Are you talking down to me?

What? No.

I open up to you,
and you talk down to me.

Look, she's coming back.
Promise?

Sure.

Thank you, Ryan.
I feel much better now.

Then why are you still digging?

It's a great workout.

Stop.
Ryan...

...I know your type.

You're a good boy,
you come when you're called.

You don't rub your ass on the carpet.

Aren't you tired of doing
what everyone else wants you to do?

Maybe it's time
you quit playing ball with them.

And just play ball with me.

Where'd that come from?

Just give it a toss.

I don't think I should.
Trust me.

You'll be glad you did.
No.

I have to go to work.
Let's take a walk.

I don't have time for a walk.
Ryan...

...you're already upset
about the lawn, yeah?

Well, I got just enough piss in me
to kill what's left of it.

Tell me about Jenna.
Why?

I'd like to get to know her.

Pull your lipstick back in its case,
Romeo, you're not her type.

How can you say that? You
don't know anything about me.

I know you think there's no hope.

I know you feel like a diamond
in the rough that never got to shine.

I know what you tried to do last night.

How do you--?
Because I am you.

We are one mind.

Ah. Just messing with you.

I read your little snuff letter
while you were passed out.

What did you think of it?

Well, the "diamond in the rough"
metaphor was a little flat.

Four drafts and that's the best
you could come up with?

I started with
a caged bird longing to be free...

...but that made me sound
a little effete.

So does using the word "effete."

Maybe I'll keep working on it.

You know Buck?

Who?
Buck.

Black lab, about my age,
great teeth. You know him?

I don't know Buck.
And you won't.

Because he's gone.

One day, he's running around
by the tennis courts at the park...

...the next day, bam!

Hit by a car?

No, we just kind of lost touch.

Bam? You just kind of lost touch?

Life is short, Ryan.

You gotta gather ye rosebuds
while ye may.

Speaking of rosebuds.

Do you always feed your dog nachos?

Well, not all the time,
but he worked out today.

What's your name?

Wilfred.
Wilfred.

Hi, Wilfred.

Do you like that?

Do you like that? I bet you do.

Oh. Ha-ha.

I'll have what he's having.
He likes me. Ha-ha-ha.

- Um ...
- Wilfred, get off.

Get off.
I'm trying to.

I think he really likes me.
Oh.

Uh-- Ha.

Sorry about that.
Ha-ha-ha.

Could we get the check?
Here. Uh ...

There you go. Heh.

Bye, Wilfred.

I like you,
but you are a shit wingman.

Look, Ryan,
if you want my advice--

Actually, I don't.

I've got enough people
telling me what to do.

I was just trying to help.
You don't have to be a dick.

Kristen was right,
what I want doesn't matter.

I have to get to work.

Hey, poochy-poochy.
Piss off.

See, it's like me when
I'm eating out the ass of a dead possum.

All right, I'm eating out his guts,
through his ass.

I'm getting my teeth right in there.
See, no one ever taught me that.

I just did it one day, it happened.
Been doing it ever since.

Interesting. You ever try
Korean? I think you'd like it.

You're missing the point.

I'm not just saying
possum ass is delicious, it is.

What I'm saying is I'm true to my nature.
I don't over-think everything.

I act on instinct.
You're an animal.

We're all animals, Ryan.

I'll kill you.

Wilfred, wait. Stay! Come!

Where is his leash?
He's lucky I didn't kick his teeth in.

Try it and loose afoot.
No, I mean it.

Hey, it won't happen again.

Yeah, if it does, someone's
getting their nuts out off.

Okay.

He means me.
You obviously haven't got any.

Right. Should have challenged him
to a knife fight.

You let that shit-stain
walk all over us.

Your father was right, you're a pussy.

When did he say that?

He didn't, I made that up,
but you are a pussy.

I don't need to listen to this.
Ryan, fear has made you weak.

Fear is the mind-killer.

Fear is the little death
that brings total obliteration.

That's from Dune.
How do you know that?

How do you know that?

Come on, mate.

Throw the ball.
What are you afraid of?

I'm not afraid.
I know that's not just a ball.

Of course it is. See, it's a ball.

Why are you pushing so hard?
I'm feeling playful.

No more questions.

Stop thinking and throw the damn ball.
No.

What did you do?

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to--
Naughty boy.

I'll get you another ball.
I don't want another.

- Hey.
- Hey, look, Wilfred, it's Jenna.

Hey, I hope he wasn't
any trouble.

Not at all. He's adorable.

Oh, Wilfred, did you
make a new friend?

He did, he really did.

I will not be ignored, Ryan.

So, Wilfred tells me ...

Um ... I mean,
what brings you to L.A.?

I got a job as a segment producer
for Channel 13 News.

It's a big step up for me.
Am I distracting you?

I'm doing mostly puff pieces,
I'm hoping that will change.

What about you,
what do you do?

Ball, I play ball.

Not professionally.

I'm a lawyer. I was a lawyer.
It's complicated.

Well, I like complicated.

You know, the only thing that I've had
time to unpack are my wine glasses.

You wanna come inside?

Some other time.

Oh, okay.

Say bye-bye, Wilfred.

This isn't over. I want that ball.

Okay, see you later, champ.

Better sleep with your eyes open.
Oh.

Give Ryan a kiss.

You broke my heart, Ryan.
You broke my heart.

Okay. Ha-ha.

Wilfred, down, Wilfred.

Wilfred, down.

Down, Wilfred.

You broke my heart, Ryan.

Better sleep with your eyes open.

Hello?

Are you gonna answer me?

What was the question?

Why do I bother? Whats the question?
Wait.

I'm having a problem.
Oh, really?

Those pills you gave me,
I kind of abused them.

I've taken so many,
I can't feel them any more.

Ryan, do you have any idea
how dangerous that is?

Abusing those pills
can lead to very serious side effects.

Paranoia, hallucinations, depression...

Hallucinations?
...seizures and worse, much worse.

Oh, my God.

That's why I gave you sugar pills.

What?

I can't prescribe meds
to a family member, that's unethical.

So no side effects?

From sugar pills?
Adult-onset diabetes.

Tooth decay, sugar rush. Ha.

Ryan, why are you
being so self-destructive?

Pull yourself together
and stop wallowing in self-pity.

Just get back on that horse,
toughen up.

Okay, so your law career
is over.

Dad wanted me to be a lawyer.
I hated every minute of it.

Well, then what do you want?

Give me a minute.

What do you want?
I want my goddamn ball.

Really? That's what this is all about?

Ryan, when I was a young'un,
I had a bit of an oral fixation.

Still do, I guess.

Anyway, I was too dumb
to know the difference...

...between a knot of rawhide
and a fine Italian loafer.

Someone would adopt me...

...I'd have a bit of a chew,
then it was back to the pound we go.

Italian loafer guy?
He gave me a good beating.

Kicked me so hard
I got hip displeasure.

Dysplasia.

Mm.

No, it didn't get that bad,
but I was on death row...

...and then one day a kindly old woman
at the shelter gave me a tennis ball.

That tennis ball.

I could chew without shame.

And suddenly, I was loveable.

That ball saved my life.

I need it back.

And I can't get through
that gate without you.

So climb over the fence.
Without arms?

What are those?
Legs.

All right, I'll help you
and then you stay away from me.

If that's what you want.
Shake on it.

Yeah, I never learnt that trick.

But you have my word.

I found it.

What are you doing?

The nose knows.

Hey, this was not
our deal. Ah!

Well, I didn't shake on it, did I?

Here we go.

We're gonna need a bigger bong.

This was your plan
the whole time.

Part of it.

This is the other part.

What?

In his boot?

Well, they never check them first,
do they?

What the hell, he deserves it.

Well, come on, let's go.
Not so fast.

He has another boot.

What? You want me--?

No way.
Why not. He'll never know it was you.

That's not the point.
You said he deserves this.

The bloody bike? The trash in the alley?

The way he treats you like
some insignificant, limp-dick wanker?

How does that make you feel?

Yeah? Angry-

Well, it's time to return the favor.
You know you want to.

I'm not an animal.
Then be a man.

For once in your life be a man...

...and shit in that boot.
Aah!

That was so awesome.
Well done, Ryan.

Primo coiler,
one of the best I've seen.

LAUGHS]

Shit.

What the hell?

No, no, no!
Ho.

LAUGHS]

Hey, Ryan, when was
the last time you felt this good?

Never.
It's called living, mate.

You can feel this way forever.

Trust your instincts.

No more doubt. No fear.

Just throw it away.

Good boy.

Welcome to your new life.

Aren't you gonna fetch it?

Do you know how many
balls I have?

What the hell are you doing
out here?

This is my friend Wilfred.
He looks filthy.

I have Dr. Ramos on the phone.
He is willing to talk to you.

Beg'

Hey, doc, it's Ryan.

Look, I appreciate the offer...

...but I'd rather eat possum ass
than be your desk monkey.

Give me the phone.
Dr. Ramos?

Doctor? Hello?

This is just great.

Do you have any idea
how tough this job market is?

Let's just say,
beggars can't be choosers.

What a bitch.
I mean, what am I supposed to think?

Whatever you want.

But from now on, keep it
to yourself, I don't give a shit.

Well, actually, you do. Or, you did.

This is funny?
This is all funny to you, Ryan?

You know what? I'm done.
You are on your own.

Wrong, I'm not on my own.

I've got Wilfred.

What's that?

Bit of squirrel.
Gross.

Hey, Wilfred...

...how's this gonna end?
Hmm?

This. US.

What's gonna happen?

Don't know.

Well, anyway...

...it's nice to have someone
looking out for me.

Dreams are nothing more than wishes

And a wish is just a dream

You wish to come true

Whoa, oh

If only I could have a puppy

Oh, you like that?
Heh,heh,heh.

To share a cup of tea with me

LAUGHS]

I 'd take my puppy everywhere

Wilfred.

La-la-la-la

Mm.

We would stay away

Ah ...
Did you--? Oh!

Ryan.

Oh, God.

Ugh!
Sharp.

Hang on, hang on.

Hang on.

But dreams are nothing more than wishes

And a wish is just a dream
You wish to come true