Wild West (2002–2004): Season 1, Episode 1 - One Home Good, Two Homes Bad - full transcript

I love the rain, don't you?

The way it washes away all the filth

and the staleness and the excrement.

- Did you have to say excrement?
- I did, really.

Well...

My favourite things are fish fingers,

and sitting outside the pub
on a summer evening,

a glass of wine in one hand and a man's
genitals in the other. Only joking!

A newspaper. And a man's genitals. No!

Only joking. I don't really like fish fingers.

- No...
- Stop it! Go and dust the stamps.



Why? No one comes in here any more.

We used to have a queue
from the door to the beach

of customers wanting everything from apples
to... What begins with "z"? Yoghurt?

- Hello.
- Hi. We've just moved to Cliff Cottage.

- Tribblicks' place?
- It's gorgeous.

Will you be ordering any papers?

No, we won't be down that much.
It's more a sort of holiday home.

We come down here,
buy up property and drive out the locals!

Still, at least we're not Germans!

- Not that there's anything wrong with them.
- No, they're great.

- Shall we...
- Good idea.

I expect you shopped in Wait rose in London

- and brought it down with you?
- Yes, we did, actually.

Do you want to...



OK. Thanks.

- Nice couple.
- Sweet.

Strawberry Hole, down by the Witchcraft
Centre, is owned by weekenders.

They put in a barbecue
big enough to fry a whale,

- cooked a sausage on it then buggered off.
- Yeah.

Next door. Owned by someone
from the city for the last three years.

Don't even know his name.
I don't even know his name.

- It's Terry.
- Terry Coates.

- Terry.
- OK.

Cornwall's so poor
because outsiders treat it like a mistress.

They go for a quick shag
then run back to the wife.

- Cornwall is England's bitch.
- I just want more people in my shop.

Look at that actress here, Gilly.

Second home like a palace
while Jake here Lives in a hovel

- What?
- That can't be right!

A hovel?

Cornwall has a history of welcoming visitors
and other cultures and absorbing them.

No, that was New York. Sorry.

- I've got a nice house.
- Look.

- That's near us.
- Do you remember "The Love Boat"?

I used to love that.
"So much love on one boat".

- I wonder what the cargo is?
- If a boat-load of Fairy Liquid spilled out,

they'd have to clean it off the seabirds with oil.

- What were we talking about?
- Intimate tattoos.

- We weren't.
- Shall we?

Yeah, holiday homes. I went out with a girl

who hung about with Cornish separatists.

I used to laugh at her 'cause she had no arse

- but I reckon she was right.
- It can't go on this way. No arse?

We should make a stand.
No arse. Remember Wales?

- Yeah.
- They burnt them holiday homes.

- Terrible.
- We should do that.

- No.
- We shouldn't.

We must do something.
Look at the French Lorry drivers.

If their livelihood is threatened,
they do what they can to sort it out.

That's what we need.
A bit more of the French Lorry driver in us.

Well, I do!

My luxury item on a desert island
would be a small town.

- For shopping.
- Not allowed that.

OK. Er...

- An endless supply of clean bra and pants.
- Not allowed that either.

- Why?
- You could use 'em to escape,

- How would I do that?
- Sew them together and make a sail,

An underwear sail,

My God, it's a body!

No, it's Tupperware!

Where did you get that from?

- It fell out your nose?
- No.

Is it, er, hot?

No, though being genuine Tupperware,
it copes well with the heat.

Tupperware is, of course,
the rolls-Royce of plastic storage devices.

Or rolls-Royce is the Tupperware of
engine-making is another way of saying it.

- No, we don't want it.
- Wait, we might have a market for it.

Like the market for the electric tweezers?

- Or the fish wallets?
- That was different.

Yeah. They're all in here.

Yes, all right!

- I'll give you £15.
- Come on, 30.

20. If you ask for 25, I'm walking away.

25.

I'm walking away.

I'm walking away. I'm walking away.

I reached the wall, so I had to come back.

- 20.
- OK, good.

Something's going on.
Something on the beach.

- Something's been washed up.
- 15 quid.

Ten quid for cash! These are quality goods.
I'll throw in a fish.

Two fish! I'm flexible on price.

Three fish!

A free ride on "Wet Lady"!

OK, this is a map of the village
with the outsiders' houses marked in red.

- We're gonna be...
- Sorry!

We're putting stickers up in these houses to
unnerve the holiday-homers into selling up.

Some say, "A home isn't just for Christmas".

Others say, "One home good,
two homes bad."

- Like in "Animal Farm" about Legs.
- Jakey! Jakey!

Have you got the nine-inch version of that?

- Would you like to swap?
- Hello?

Sorry. That's a good swap for you.
It's more expensive.

- This is important, right?
- Yep.

- Angela?
- Yeah?

- Are you into this?
- Yes, yes, yes I am.

The plan is to break into the holiday homes
and make sure we...

- Sorry. Break in?
- To get the stickers in the houses.

- I'm scared of going to prison.
- It won't come to that.

I feel funny about breaking the law. So, no.

Sorry. I'm crap. Do you hate me?

- I can't...
- Know what you could do?

Wear your black knitted hat. It would
look good on a mission. It suits you.

- Pass me that.
- I would look nice.

- Yeah.
- I'd look sort of terroristy.

- Right.
- Sorry I'm Late!

I've sorted all my stuff...

..into these!

That's good!

- That's good.
- Tissues...

Me and Jake know how to pick Locks,
so it's no trouble getting into these houses.

- Wipes!
- Wipes!

These houses are cleaned by Mrs Parsons,

so Holly will ask to borrow her keys.

I don't know why I bother!

Doesn't anybody get angry these days?

- Litter?
- Thank you.

People.

OK!

Right.

Angela, you go with Jake.
Holly, go to Mrs Parsons'.

I'll go with Mary.
We'll meet at the pub in one hour.

Very good. Jakey. Jakey.
Jakey! Would you like that one?

It's harder to break into houses
than you think.

Did you argue with Mrs Parsons?

Yeah. She likes holiday homes
'cause of the cleaning work.

- What did you say?
- I said, "".

Can't we stick the stickers on the outside
of the windows so we don't need to go in?

- Yeah...
- No. The sticky part's on the front.

- The message wouldn't face the right way.
- It should face the inside.

Then the owners see it, not people walking past.

No, I want the stickers facing outwards, OK?

I just do!

We've got the keys for Gilly's house, the actress.

- Why not protest there?
- Protesting isn't really me.

Don't be ridiculous. It'll be fun. You're coming.

Yeah. One for all and all for one.

Where's Jake?

Where's Holly?

locals like me can't afford houses here
'cause of outsiders pushing up prices.

England's made its whore Cornwall
get down on all fours and...

- Stop talking like that!
- Sorry.

There we go.

- It's a bit flash.
- You Live in a camper van.

Anywhere with more than one door looks flash.

I've always wanted a gong!

Don't gong it! Don't gong it. It's a loud one.

"Dear Gilly, thank you for donating a script

"from your children's series
'Angus MacVective' for our auction.

- "We raised..."
- Do not touch things!

You are so like a child!

- Makes you sick, dunnit?
- Yeah, shocking actor.

I wouldn't revisit Brideshead if Jeremy
cockin' Irons was queuing for the kedgeree.

That's more like it. That's a proper actor.

Proper actor.

Ladies and gentlemen!

Widescreen TV!

- Be careful. This is somebody's home.
- Second home.

- Second home.
- I was never political.

But there's so much wrong with the world.

Rubbish, isn't it, Harry? Run along
and leave us to sort everything out here.

- Why can't I sit?
- Because it stands for everything you hate.

- It must be torture.
- It's OK.

- Night-night.
- OK, then.

- 'Night.
- 'Night.

- What's on telly?
- Nothing!

'Ere, Ange, "Men and Motors".

- There's time for that later.
- I'm not sitting. I'm standing.

- Ange. Ange! Have a sit down. Down, sit.
- All right!

- Two minutes.
- Right.

- Ange.
- What?

See what's there?

The box there.

- See it?
- They're not ours. Not ours.

- Come on.

- I'll just check 'em.
- Don't.

Yeah.

Do you want the cracknel? Come on.
You always have the cracknel

You always do. There's one there.

Go on. It's saying, "Eat me!"

Can you see it there? Have a cracknel

There. You didn't have the cracknel

I'll have to have the cracknel

What we should do is stay the night.

- No, no, no.
- Gilly won't be down, will she?

Even if she does come down, we'll say
we're occupying the house as a protest.

- Which we would be.
- We would be.

It's wicked, isn't it, having a second house?

Yeah.

All right.

- We must leave it clean and tidy.
- Yeah.

'Ere! She's OK for DVDs! Look at those!

She's got...
She's got "Gone With The Wind"!

- Yeah!
- I've seen that a few times.

Don't give a bloody damn!

- Good morning!
- PC Alan.

We had the weather then we lost it.

Can't decide if it's pissing or wanking, can it?

Article in "Peace"
about how weather affects crime.

Heat makes people hot and tetchy,
so you see hot, tetchy crimes

like road rage and arson.

Whereas rain favours
crimes of boredom, such as...

Actually, interestingly, it's not that interesting.

No, I mustn't.

We're hearing of items
being recovered from that ship.

I don't have to tell you that looting
is as illegal as badger-baiting or murder.

It carried a consignment
of plastic household goods.

So...

...have you seen any?

No.

If anyone offers you any, I'd like you to ring in.

If I'm out, leave a message with the decorator.

OK?

Are we done? Are we done?

Right. Bye!

Bye!

- Afternoon.
- All right?

I just got into Sea View
and put a load of stickers up.

No, they moved out, didn't they?

The Hewitts moved in. locals, both teachers.

- You're joking!
- No.

OK, I'd better remove the stickers.

Yeah.

- You put the stickers in Gilly's house?
- Yeah.

We've decided to occupy that house.

- Occupy it?
- To ram the protest home.

- Not 'cause of the big TV and drinks cabinet?
- No.

OK.

Bye!

- It can't have been Toby,
- Why?

He hated loud noises with a vengeance,

Every Guy Fawkes night
he'd be under the stairs with the dogs,

He said it was to keep them company,
but he was scared,

No more Gilly, please!

"Me in 'Celebrity Squares', me in 'Hang Out
Your Washing', me in 'Jackanory'".

We shouldn't drink any more.

Come on, Ange! Nobody checks
the bottles out the back.

The cherry brandies
and the hazelnut cream liqueurs.

- And the advocaat.
- Advocaaaaat.

Hang on.

I know you're thinking I'm just a daft kid!

But now I'm pregnant,
so I can't be much of a kid, can I?

I hate you!

That's better.

- What are you doing? Don't use her phone!
- "Mn.

- Who are you ringing?
- Roger Moore.

- The washing machine man?
- No, the actor. Gilly's got his number!

Hello. Rog, please. Rog Moore.

- You mustn't do that!
- Tell him Mary Tregwednack called.

- Tell him I loved him in "Octopussy".
- Come here!

- He was very shaggable in that. I love him.
- Give it to me!

We're gonna tidy up and then Leave.

- Yes.

- Tidy up.

- Yes!

No, no, no, no, no.

We shouldn't have come. We're trespassing!

Tupperware Hour!

- I've got that already, mate!
- I'm off.

"Don't be unkind,” said his mum, "Wash your
hands or they'll grow cabbages on them.”

Eugh.

Bloody toss idiot bollocks!

You stay there and get dry.

# The moment I wake up

# Before I put on my make-up... #

Angela, can you help me?
I've got a small emerg...

I've got a big emergency.
A bloody big emergency!

Don't catch fire, you arse!

Smother it. Smother a fire.

Don't put chip fat on it! No chip fat!

Shut up!

# You'll stay in my heart and I will love you

# For ever and ever... #

Now, we can fix this.

Why don't we say that you did it?

No. No, no. Don't include me in this.

No, I am innocent. Bring me
a bowl of water that I may wash my hands.

- What's the matter with the bloody door?
- That is Guy.

- But the doors are bated.
- Who's in there?

No, not the waterworks, not now!

I've never done anything wrong in my life!
I only did the protest so I could wear my hat!

Look, all we have to do, right, all we do
is wait for Gilly to go and get some help

then we'll slip away and no one will know.

Why don't we say to Gilly what's happened?

- Tell her everything and she'll be OK.
- Yeah.

Or... Or...

Or not do that.

I've just seen Gilly out there on the phone.
She's very happy, very relaxed.

So she's probably calling
the locksmith at Pemp.

So we've got lots of time to tidy up.

Perfect. Downstairs,
there's hardly any mess.

Little things like wearing bright clothes
and not shouting at each other.

You see, this is why we have laws.
Without laws, it's anarchy and mayhem.

In short, a ghastly mess.

- The stickers!
- Stickers!

- Stickers.
- Stickers, yes.

- Urn... Right, I think we should go now.
- OK.

Right, you go out the front door.

I'm gonna risk the back door, here.

- Thank you.
- I love you.

# We shall overcome

# We shall overcome some day. #

- Where's Angela?
- She's a bit upset.

- So, she got a telling off?
- Yeah.

Spent an hour or two in the cells cooling down.

If you're arrested, can you make one phone call?

I think so, yeah.

Do you get a second go
if you get a wrong number or it's engaged?

Dunno.

I'm carrying on the good fight.

- I just set fire to a holiday home.
- You what?

Well, not a home. But I set Light to some stuff
in the garden. Who of! Straight up.

I added some paraffin. Who of! Burnt like mad.

So you [it someone's bonfire for them
and provided the fuel.

I suppose I did, yeah.

Still, I think we made our point.

Maybe not very well, but we made it.

Maybe we should just say
that it's OK to have two homes.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Not three.
- Never three.

- That's out of order.
- Taking the piss.

# Mixing pop and politics

# He asks me what the use is

# I offer in embarrassment my usual excuses

# While looking down the corridor

# Out to where the van is waiting... #

Evening.

- All right?
- Yes.

- Cheer up!
- I don't want to cheer up.

I didn't mean to...

# Jumble sales are organised
and pamphlets have been posted

# Even after closing time
there's still parties to be hosted

# You can be active with the activists

# Or sleeping with the sleepers

# While you're waiting
for the great leap forwards

# One leap forwards, two leaps back

# Politics get me the sack

# Waiting for the great leap forwards

# Well, here comes the future
and you can't run from it

# If you've got a blacklist I wanna be on it

# Waiting for the great leap forwards. #