Wild Life (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Bad Water - full transcript
To save the zoo, the critters have to go to the mall.
- [wheezing]
[upbeat funky music]
♪ ♪
- [scatting]
♪ ♪
[scatting]
♪ ♪
- Oh, yeah.
- I mean, this is a big area
- for me.
Sure, I've got claws and teeth
and yeah, a primal urge
to kill,
I mean, all the basic
cheetah stuff,
but that's not who I am.
I didn't ask to be a predator.
Can't I just be Glenn?
I mean, am I crazy here?
[flies buzzing]
Carl, you son of a bitch.
You're right!
I gotta evolve.
Starting now,
no more going primal.
Well, gotta cut it short.
I'm seeing Marny tonight.
[laughs nervously]
You don't mind if I just...
[sniffs]
[insects buzzing]
"You're perfect
just the way you... aardvark."
- Aww.
- Thanks, Carl.
You keep me going.
- Ooh.
- Heyo.
- Oh, that's cool.
- They have my size.
[laughs nervously]
There we go.
Really great session today.
Put it on my tab, Carl.
[bell dings]
[gunshot]
[sighs]
[upbeat music]
- [squish]
- Whoa!
Sweet rig, Darby!
- [chuckles]
Oh, you noticed.
- [engine revs]
- Souped her up a little bit.
- Love the paintjob.
Super metal.
- What?
- What the...
- [groans]
- fucking humans.
- [squishing]
- [grunts]
Well, all she needs now
is a sick-ass hood ornament.
- [epic announcer voice]
- And there's only one place
To get it.
- Someplace... bright?
- The mall!
Wanna come with?
Go shopping, go primal,
murder some humans.
- Come on, you in?
- What do you say?
- Yeah, I'm not, like, um,
really doing primal right now.
- And I can't go
- because someone's got plans.
With Marny.
- Tonight's the night, huh?
- [growls]
- [chirps like a dolphin]
[laughs]
And she knows it's a date
this time, right?
- Like, the word "date"
- has been uttered?
- Yeah, no, totally.
I mean, of course.
- [laughs]
- Sort of.
- Well, whatever it is,
I'd lose the dead flowers.
- What?
- The flowers are... totally dead!
What?
- I just picked these
- five minutes ago!
- Hmm, hmm.
- Oh, yeah.
- This water's toxic as hell.
[grass sizzles]
- Toxic?
We have to get to Marny ASAP!
- Don't drink that!
- It's toxic!
[frantic music]
Don't paint that!
It's toxic!
Don't date him!
He's toxic!
- [hisses]
- Marny.
- Marny!
Oh, no!
I'm too late!
- Up here, Glenn.
- [gasps]
- Marny!
- You're alive.
- Yeah, I was just swimming
around my tank,
bored out of my skull,
when the most
amazing thing happened.
The water turned
to burning acid!
- I had to get out before I died.
- [whimpering]
- Now I get to be a land animal
- like you guys.
- Think I'm getting
- this walking thing down.
- Oh, fuck.
- No, I don't.
- [yelps]
- Oh, wow!
- Okay, you're drying out
- pretty quickly,
So we need to get you
back in the tank ASAP.
Don't you wanna be alive
- for our date
- slash low-key friend hang
- Slash whatever
- you wanna call it
Or what did you call it?
- Oh, cool.
- Is that tonight?
- Amazing.
- Who else is coming?
- [coughs]
- Yeah, I was just thinking
maybe, like, me and you,
no one else?
- Ooh, maybe we go hiking.
- Totally!
- Awesome.
Yeah, first I just wanna fix
the whole water situation.
- Darby, how do we fix
- the water situation?
- Well, if all the water
in the zoo's like this,
then we're gonna need
a new water filter.
- [epic announcer voice]
- And there's only one place
To get it.
- Paul?
- Who's Paul?
- What? No!
- Viv, the mall.
- Oh!
Pass.
[gulps]
[exhales]She's dying
- Land money.
Fuck yeah!
- She sounds fine to me.
- Come on, Debby.
- Can't you at least
- just keep an eye on Marny?
- [yelps]
- Ugh.
I really wish I could,
but I promised Billy
- he and the boys could practice
- their nail technique on me.
Sorry.
- Oh, what kind of friend
are you, Debby?
- I guess the kind of friend
- who supports
- Billy's professional dream
Of opening a first-class spa.
- I'll go.
- I never get to go.
Yah!
- Not now, Hudson.
Come on, Bamboo.
- Do us a solid and we'll get you
- something from the mall.
- [squeaks]
- Here's what
- you're gonna get me.
A Takaji X-12 home muscle,
orbital 360, non-gravital
executive massage chair.
- [squeaks]
- In black.
- Uh, no.
- Fine.
Get me some sunglasses.
- [whispers]
- Make sure they black.
- Okay, deal.
- Did you hear me?
- I can fight.
- [grunts]
- I can do it!
- Enough, Hudson.
- You know you're banned
- from the mall,
And you know why.
[bell tolls]
- Rest in peace, Lionel.
- All right.
- Come on, Vivs.
We need your claws in case
mall humans try to kill us.
Plus, you need H2O
just like the rest of us.
- Sorry, Darby, but I got
all the H2O I need right here.
Plus H2X, Yellow Triple-6,
- Dear God.
- What in the...
- Damn, girl.
- [belches]
- I'll go!
I need more dynamite.
Ah!
- [grunts]
- [all gasp]
[cans clattering]
- [growls]
To the Paul!
[upbeat music]
- I'm thinking something
- that really makes the hood pop,
You know?
Like antlers
or maybe a Pegasus.
- Can't this go any faster?
- [sighs]
You need to relax, bud.
Here.
Hit this.
- You can if you want.
- [gasps]
Man, how are you not
freaking out right now?
- We're going
- to the mall, baby,
- Where, by the way, you could
- get a sick-ass gift
- For your low-key friend bang
- or whatever tonight.
- A gift.
- You're perfect
the way you aardvark.
- Yeah.
I'll get her the perfect gift.
- That shit good, right?
- [yelping]
- You say something, Viv?
- [slurps]
[breathing heavily]
- Wow.
- She's really tweaking.
- Yeah, that's why I don't fuck
- with Zerp.
It's hardcore shit.
Hey, where's the toad?
Lick, lick, pass, buddy.
- Ugh, this is so boring!
- You wanna do feet stuff,
this is the best feet stuff.
- There's, like,
- a million things I wanna do!
Hey, I've never killed a human.
Maybe we could do that?
Start simple.
A small, injured one.
- [squeaks]
- Damn, girl!
- Your skin is straight-up gross
- as hell.
Deb, no offense, but fuck this!
The ground is calling me.
[yelping]
- Ugh, screw it.
- Look, more ground!
- [squeaks]
- Fine!
I'll go get her.
But this doesn't count
against my hour,
so don't try me.
[tense music]
- All right.
- Remember where we parked.
Next to the bottomless chasm,
just past the mass grave.
- And don't forget to be quiet
- and stealthy.
- We don't wanna attract
- the attention of any humans.
Got it?
Guys?
- [moaning]
Need... Zerp...
- What you need
- is to ask yourself
Some hard questions, Viv.
- Well, let's go shopping.
♪ ♪
- [grunting]
My legs.
[laughing hysterically]
- That's it, boys.
Cover her from head to fin.
- Ugh, who am I kidding?
I'm not built for feet.
- Feet are overrated.
I'm telling you, Marny,
as someone who's seen
and done everything,
and I mean everything,
there's nothing I'd rather do
than just chill in the pool
all day.
- You're living the dream
- in that tank.
- [sighs]
- I just wanna taste
- the land life
Now and then, you know?
I bet Glenn's having
the best time ever at the mall.
[tense music]
- [whimpering]
[yelps]
- [sighs]
- Lionel.
[bell tolls]
Sleep fast, good friend.
[metal groaning]
[gasps]
[gulps]
[whimpers]
[yelps]
- Come on, baby, baby,
baby, baby.
- Glenn!
- Fuck! My God.
- All right, which is a more
- sick-ass hood ornament?
- This plasma globe or...
- You're not gonna believe this...
An actual sick ass?
- Can we please just get
the water filter to save Marny?
- What about the gift?
- Forget the gift!
We came here for one reason
and one reason only:
to save Marny!
- Hey, there's
that Primal Glenn
I've been looking for!
- I'm not going fucking primal!
- I just wanna get outta here
- before we're murdered by...
Oh, my God, the perfect gift.
- I've got your perfect gift
- right here.
- Ugh.
Fucking humans.
Stay back, freaks!
- We prefer
"genetically refined."
Don't we, other, scarier head?
- Eh.
- Just "freak" is fine with me.
- Viv, quick.
- Claws.
- [groaning]
- Ah, man.
All, right, hu-morons.
You better scram,
unless you wanna tangle
with the most vicious, savage,
bloodthirsty predator around,
Primal Glenn!
- [roar]
- [yawns]
Hey, fellas.
I'm actually sorta working
through some stuff,
like maybe I'm not a predator.
Maybe I'm perfect
the way I am... vark.
- Who knows
- what I'm talking about?
Let's see some hands.
- Handsy gets it.
- Up top.
- Ow!
- Ow.
[dreamy music]
- [laughing]
[both laugh]
Come on, Glenn.
- I'm a cheetah dolphin.
- Whee!
Oh, Glenn.
Let's...
- Acknowledge me!
- Hudson?
- What the fuck
- are you doing here?
- I said I'll fuck
- these mutants up!
- [muffled]
- Hudson, not now!
- Oh, God!
- They made Darby
- the hood ornament.
- Bad doggy.
- Go primal!
You need to go primal, Gle...
- [war cry]
[yelps]
[drum roll]
- Dear God, no.
[explosion booms]
[intense music]
[grunting]
[screams]
- Fuck yeah!
- [growling]
[grunting]
[screams]
[grunting]
♪ ♪
[screams]
- [grunts]
[gulping]
[belches]
[screaming]
- announcer: Side effects
- may include...
Fuck it, who cares?
- Oh, kitty.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- I'm sensing
- a lot of unresolved anger.
- [screams]
- Fuck yeah!
- [screams]
- Release me.
- [breathing heavily]
- [breathing heavily]
[gulping]
- [retches]
- Ew, gross, dude.
[belches]
- Years of therapy
down the drain.
Carl's gonna be so pissed.
- Man, fuck Carl.
Primal Glenn kicks ass.
Embrace it.
It's a gift, dude.
A fucking gift.
- [gasps]
Darby, you son of a bitch.
A gift.
- Oh, Glenn.
It's perfect.
- Yeah, I just figured
- this way,
You could be a land animal
whenever you want.
- Yeah, what's more land animal
- than lying on my ass all day
- doing nothing?
- And look.
I got a second one, you know,
for our low-key friend hangout
or whatever.
Fucking hell!
- Oh, my God, I love this.
Billy boys!
- I've got 20 minutes left
- on the clock.
Let's see some hustle.
- Mm.
- Yeah, baby.
- Ah!
- Can't have
- a low-key friend hang
- Without all our friends,
- you know?
- [snarling]
Yeah, the more the merrier.
- You, me,
- and the entire fucking zoo.
- Thank God
- everything's back to normal
And everyone's safe and sound.
- [screams]
[shuddering]
- [laughs]
- All right, boys.
Let's go enjoy
this sick-ass day.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah!
Whoo-hoo!
- [yelps]
- [laughs]
[engine revving]
[upbeat funky music]
♪ ♪
- [scatting]
♪ ♪
[scatting]
♪ ♪
- Oh, yeah.
- I mean, this is a big area
- for me.
Sure, I've got claws and teeth
and yeah, a primal urge
to kill,
I mean, all the basic
cheetah stuff,
but that's not who I am.
I didn't ask to be a predator.
Can't I just be Glenn?
I mean, am I crazy here?
[flies buzzing]
Carl, you son of a bitch.
You're right!
I gotta evolve.
Starting now,
no more going primal.
Well, gotta cut it short.
I'm seeing Marny tonight.
[laughs nervously]
You don't mind if I just...
[sniffs]
[insects buzzing]
"You're perfect
just the way you... aardvark."
- Aww.
- Thanks, Carl.
You keep me going.
- Ooh.
- Heyo.
- Oh, that's cool.
- They have my size.
[laughs nervously]
There we go.
Really great session today.
Put it on my tab, Carl.
[bell dings]
[gunshot]
[sighs]
[upbeat music]
- [squish]
- Whoa!
Sweet rig, Darby!
- [chuckles]
Oh, you noticed.
- [engine revs]
- Souped her up a little bit.
- Love the paintjob.
Super metal.
- What?
- What the...
- [groans]
- fucking humans.
- [squishing]
- [grunts]
Well, all she needs now
is a sick-ass hood ornament.
- [epic announcer voice]
- And there's only one place
To get it.
- Someplace... bright?
- The mall!
Wanna come with?
Go shopping, go primal,
murder some humans.
- Come on, you in?
- What do you say?
- Yeah, I'm not, like, um,
really doing primal right now.
- And I can't go
- because someone's got plans.
With Marny.
- Tonight's the night, huh?
- [growls]
- [chirps like a dolphin]
[laughs]
And she knows it's a date
this time, right?
- Like, the word "date"
- has been uttered?
- Yeah, no, totally.
I mean, of course.
- [laughs]
- Sort of.
- Well, whatever it is,
I'd lose the dead flowers.
- What?
- The flowers are... totally dead!
What?
- I just picked these
- five minutes ago!
- Hmm, hmm.
- Oh, yeah.
- This water's toxic as hell.
[grass sizzles]
- Toxic?
We have to get to Marny ASAP!
- Don't drink that!
- It's toxic!
[frantic music]
Don't paint that!
It's toxic!
Don't date him!
He's toxic!
- [hisses]
- Marny.
- Marny!
Oh, no!
I'm too late!
- Up here, Glenn.
- [gasps]
- Marny!
- You're alive.
- Yeah, I was just swimming
around my tank,
bored out of my skull,
when the most
amazing thing happened.
The water turned
to burning acid!
- I had to get out before I died.
- [whimpering]
- Now I get to be a land animal
- like you guys.
- Think I'm getting
- this walking thing down.
- Oh, fuck.
- No, I don't.
- [yelps]
- Oh, wow!
- Okay, you're drying out
- pretty quickly,
So we need to get you
back in the tank ASAP.
Don't you wanna be alive
- for our date
- slash low-key friend hang
- Slash whatever
- you wanna call it
Or what did you call it?
- Oh, cool.
- Is that tonight?
- Amazing.
- Who else is coming?
- [coughs]
- Yeah, I was just thinking
maybe, like, me and you,
no one else?
- Ooh, maybe we go hiking.
- Totally!
- Awesome.
Yeah, first I just wanna fix
the whole water situation.
- Darby, how do we fix
- the water situation?
- Well, if all the water
in the zoo's like this,
then we're gonna need
a new water filter.
- [epic announcer voice]
- And there's only one place
To get it.
- Paul?
- Who's Paul?
- What? No!
- Viv, the mall.
- Oh!
Pass.
[gulps]
[exhales]She's dying
- Land money.
Fuck yeah!
- She sounds fine to me.
- Come on, Debby.
- Can't you at least
- just keep an eye on Marny?
- [yelps]
- Ugh.
I really wish I could,
but I promised Billy
- he and the boys could practice
- their nail technique on me.
Sorry.
- Oh, what kind of friend
are you, Debby?
- I guess the kind of friend
- who supports
- Billy's professional dream
Of opening a first-class spa.
- I'll go.
- I never get to go.
Yah!
- Not now, Hudson.
Come on, Bamboo.
- Do us a solid and we'll get you
- something from the mall.
- [squeaks]
- Here's what
- you're gonna get me.
A Takaji X-12 home muscle,
orbital 360, non-gravital
executive massage chair.
- [squeaks]
- In black.
- Uh, no.
- Fine.
Get me some sunglasses.
- [whispers]
- Make sure they black.
- Okay, deal.
- Did you hear me?
- I can fight.
- [grunts]
- I can do it!
- Enough, Hudson.
- You know you're banned
- from the mall,
And you know why.
[bell tolls]
- Rest in peace, Lionel.
- All right.
- Come on, Vivs.
We need your claws in case
mall humans try to kill us.
Plus, you need H2O
just like the rest of us.
- Sorry, Darby, but I got
all the H2O I need right here.
Plus H2X, Yellow Triple-6,
- Dear God.
- What in the...
- Damn, girl.
- [belches]
- I'll go!
I need more dynamite.
Ah!
- [grunts]
- [all gasp]
[cans clattering]
- [growls]
To the Paul!
[upbeat music]
- I'm thinking something
- that really makes the hood pop,
You know?
Like antlers
or maybe a Pegasus.
- Can't this go any faster?
- [sighs]
You need to relax, bud.
Here.
Hit this.
- You can if you want.
- [gasps]
Man, how are you not
freaking out right now?
- We're going
- to the mall, baby,
- Where, by the way, you could
- get a sick-ass gift
- For your low-key friend bang
- or whatever tonight.
- A gift.
- You're perfect
the way you aardvark.
- Yeah.
I'll get her the perfect gift.
- That shit good, right?
- [yelping]
- You say something, Viv?
- [slurps]
[breathing heavily]
- Wow.
- She's really tweaking.
- Yeah, that's why I don't fuck
- with Zerp.
It's hardcore shit.
Hey, where's the toad?
Lick, lick, pass, buddy.
- Ugh, this is so boring!
- You wanna do feet stuff,
this is the best feet stuff.
- There's, like,
- a million things I wanna do!
Hey, I've never killed a human.
Maybe we could do that?
Start simple.
A small, injured one.
- [squeaks]
- Damn, girl!
- Your skin is straight-up gross
- as hell.
Deb, no offense, but fuck this!
The ground is calling me.
[yelping]
- Ugh, screw it.
- Look, more ground!
- [squeaks]
- Fine!
I'll go get her.
But this doesn't count
against my hour,
so don't try me.
[tense music]
- All right.
- Remember where we parked.
Next to the bottomless chasm,
just past the mass grave.
- And don't forget to be quiet
- and stealthy.
- We don't wanna attract
- the attention of any humans.
Got it?
Guys?
- [moaning]
Need... Zerp...
- What you need
- is to ask yourself
Some hard questions, Viv.
- Well, let's go shopping.
♪ ♪
- [grunting]
My legs.
[laughing hysterically]
- That's it, boys.
Cover her from head to fin.
- Ugh, who am I kidding?
I'm not built for feet.
- Feet are overrated.
I'm telling you, Marny,
as someone who's seen
and done everything,
and I mean everything,
there's nothing I'd rather do
than just chill in the pool
all day.
- You're living the dream
- in that tank.
- [sighs]
- I just wanna taste
- the land life
Now and then, you know?
I bet Glenn's having
the best time ever at the mall.
[tense music]
- [whimpering]
[yelps]
- [sighs]
- Lionel.
[bell tolls]
Sleep fast, good friend.
[metal groaning]
[gasps]
[gulps]
[whimpers]
[yelps]
- Come on, baby, baby,
baby, baby.
- Glenn!
- Fuck! My God.
- All right, which is a more
- sick-ass hood ornament?
- This plasma globe or...
- You're not gonna believe this...
An actual sick ass?
- Can we please just get
the water filter to save Marny?
- What about the gift?
- Forget the gift!
We came here for one reason
and one reason only:
to save Marny!
- Hey, there's
that Primal Glenn
I've been looking for!
- I'm not going fucking primal!
- I just wanna get outta here
- before we're murdered by...
Oh, my God, the perfect gift.
- I've got your perfect gift
- right here.
- Ugh.
Fucking humans.
Stay back, freaks!
- We prefer
"genetically refined."
Don't we, other, scarier head?
- Eh.
- Just "freak" is fine with me.
- Viv, quick.
- Claws.
- [groaning]
- Ah, man.
All, right, hu-morons.
You better scram,
unless you wanna tangle
with the most vicious, savage,
bloodthirsty predator around,
Primal Glenn!
- [roar]
- [yawns]
Hey, fellas.
I'm actually sorta working
through some stuff,
like maybe I'm not a predator.
Maybe I'm perfect
the way I am... vark.
- Who knows
- what I'm talking about?
Let's see some hands.
- Handsy gets it.
- Up top.
- Ow!
- Ow.
[dreamy music]
- [laughing]
[both laugh]
Come on, Glenn.
- I'm a cheetah dolphin.
- Whee!
Oh, Glenn.
Let's...
- Acknowledge me!
- Hudson?
- What the fuck
- are you doing here?
- I said I'll fuck
- these mutants up!
- [muffled]
- Hudson, not now!
- Oh, God!
- They made Darby
- the hood ornament.
- Bad doggy.
- Go primal!
You need to go primal, Gle...
- [war cry]
[yelps]
[drum roll]
- Dear God, no.
[explosion booms]
[intense music]
[grunting]
[screams]
- Fuck yeah!
- [growling]
[grunting]
[screams]
[grunting]
♪ ♪
[screams]
- [grunts]
[gulping]
[belches]
[screaming]
- announcer: Side effects
- may include...
Fuck it, who cares?
- Oh, kitty.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- I'm sensing
- a lot of unresolved anger.
- [screams]
- Fuck yeah!
- [screams]
- Release me.
- [breathing heavily]
- [breathing heavily]
[gulping]
- [retches]
- Ew, gross, dude.
[belches]
- Years of therapy
down the drain.
Carl's gonna be so pissed.
- Man, fuck Carl.
Primal Glenn kicks ass.
Embrace it.
It's a gift, dude.
A fucking gift.
- [gasps]
Darby, you son of a bitch.
A gift.
- Oh, Glenn.
It's perfect.
- Yeah, I just figured
- this way,
You could be a land animal
whenever you want.
- Yeah, what's more land animal
- than lying on my ass all day
- doing nothing?
- And look.
I got a second one, you know,
for our low-key friend hangout
or whatever.
Fucking hell!
- Oh, my God, I love this.
Billy boys!
- I've got 20 minutes left
- on the clock.
Let's see some hustle.
- Mm.
- Yeah, baby.
- Ah!
- Can't have
- a low-key friend hang
- Without all our friends,
- you know?
- [snarling]
Yeah, the more the merrier.
- You, me,
- and the entire fucking zoo.
- Thank God
- everything's back to normal
And everyone's safe and sound.
- [screams]
[shuddering]
- [laughs]
- All right, boys.
Let's go enjoy
this sick-ass day.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah!
Whoo-hoo!
- [yelps]
- [laughs]
[engine revving]