Why Women Kill (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - There's No Crying in Murder - full transcript

Previously on Why Women Kill..

It's waterproof.

So it's safe
from my tears of joy.

What's wrong?
Am... am I embarrassing you?

- At least take the flowers.
- No!

If you won't accept
this simple gift,

then what does that say
about our future?

We have no future.

- Tommy Harte?
- Amy?

I don't know if
you're seeing anyone these days,

but I could really use
some cheering up.



I was... seeing someone.

But, uh, she recently
broke up with me.

Love is always a risk.

The chance for love doesn't
come around every day.

Are you free Friday?

Yes, lover.

"Ma'am" will be fine.

Now that
Jade's gonna live with us,

we gotta have some way
to introduce her.

Well, why don't we just say
she's family?

I love that.

Jade, what's going on?

- Duke is gonna kill Teacup.
- Teacup?

Our dog. He says
if I don't meet with him,



he's gonna put her down.

For the last two years,

I've been pathetic Eli who...
who can't finish a screenplay,

who can't help
pay the bills.

I just need a fucking win.

I just want to feel like a man

and save a dog

and have that be good enough.

Jade!

April is very sweet.

She's so free-spirited.

You wouldn't believe
the fun we have together.

Try one.

You know,
marijuana?

I don't think it's working.

You're acting like

you're drunk.

That might be the pot.

- Pot?
- It's marijuana.

We will talk
about this later.

I want to be a singer.

Really?

I'm gonna be somebody someday.

I want to be a mommy.

I want to be a movie star.

I want to be a superhero.

Saving the world.

Taking care of my baby.

Going to parties in high heels.

Handsome.

Nice.

Democrat.

What?

Is that a joke?

That couldn't happen.

♪ When I was
just a little girl ♪

♪ I asked my mother ♪

♪ "What will I be? ♪

♪ Will I be pretty,
will I be rich?" ♪

♪ Here's what she said to me ♪

♪ Que será, será ♪

♪ Whatever will be will be ♪

♪ The future's not ours to see ♪

♪ Que será, será ♪

♪ What will be will be ♪

♪ Que será, será. ♪

So?

Um, what'd you
think, Mr. Porter?

Not bad, kid.

Not bad.

Really? So I got the job?

It's just one night, but...

if it goes well, we could talk
about something more permanent.

Oh, my God. Thank you so much.

I'll see you Tuesday.

Did you hear that?

Oh, April,
your first singing gig.

Promise me you'll come.

- Tuesday night?
- Mm-hmm.

I wouldn't miss it.

Wonderful.

And you'll finally
get to meet Rob.

What?

I told him that
there was a chance

that I could be
booking this gig,

and he already agreed to come.

- Oh.
- I'll put you two at a table together.

That way you can get
to know each other.

Can't wait.

You'll have to help me
find something to wear.

I'm thinking
maybe that blue dress

- with the sequins.
- Oh, yes, that's nice.

Is something wrong?

Actually, I just remembered,

my aunt Lydia is getting
an operation Tuesday.

- An operation?
- Mm, to...

fix her bunion.

I agreed to bring her
home from the hospital

and look after her.
All night.

Well, can you get someone else
to look after her?

You can't miss my show.

I already promised.

And it's... such a big bunion.

This is about Rob, isn't it?

What?

Just admit it.

You don't want to meet him

because you don't approve
of Rob and I's relationship.

Believe me, that
is not the reason.

I'm telling you,
we're lost.

Well, maybe if you'd asked
for directions

when we got off the highway...

Maybe if you'd picked a motel
closer than 30 miles away...

Oh, I think we go left here?

Oh, we're going in circles.

This is the third time
we've passed that wino.

Well, it's too dark
to read the signs.

Oh, stop and I'll ask
at the liquor store.

We're on Pike Street.

Show me the map.

Move along, kid.

Sorry, we were just leaving.

Not you, sweet cheeks.
You're busted.

- Busted? For what?
- Soliciting.

You think I'm a hooker?

For God's sake,
I'm wearing Yves Saint Laurent.

I didn't say
you weren't successful.

Uh,
she's with me, sir.

She was just asking directions

because we got lost.

Relax, kid.
I'm doing you a favor.

You don't want your first time
to be with a pro.

How dare you?

I'm a well-known philanthropist.

I don't need to know
your specialty.

- Let's go.
- What?

- Uh...
- Come on.

Hey! Seriously, sir,
she's my girlfriend.

I find that hard to believe.

Well, show him your license.

My... Oh, uh...

Uh...

If we just met, how do I
know his name is Tommy Harte

and that he lives in Pasadena

at 74 Oakhurst Drive?

His birthday is March 10.

Okay.

So, if you're a couple
from Pasadena,

why are you going
to a motel in Azusa?

We are having an illicit affair.

We've driven 30 miles
to avoid being spotted

by his mother,
who is my best friend,

and my husband, who is gay.

Well, I got to give you points
for creativity.

Have fun, kid.

Eli! Hey, can you
walk Teacup for me?

I'm helping Taylor
pack for her trip.

- Yeah, sure.
- Thanks.

Still going to Fresno, huh?

I have to. This conference has
been on the books for months.

Honey, the people at your firm
know that we were attacked.

I mean, they wouldn't blink
if you opted out.

I know, but I told my sisters
I'm coming to town,

and they're still threatening
to visit this summer,

so we kind of want
to break the news

about our living situation
before that happens.

Why don't you
just shoot them a text?

- I'm not gonna tell my sisters I'm in a throuple via text.
- Yeah.

Just make sure you tell them
it was your idea, not mine.

- But it was your idea.
- Yeah,

but your sisters
hate me enough as it is.

We don't need to throw
any more gas on that fire.

You haven't met them yet,
but they're awful.

All right, Teacup.

Whoa, here we go.

Yeah.

- Lamar.
- Oh!

You do know who I am.

I was curious

'cause you've been avoiding me
for weeks.

No, no, no. No, I...

I-I was absolutely
gonna call you back, man.

I just...
I've been incredibly busy.

I see you had time to get a dog.

Oh, forgot to tell you.

You'll like this.

Finally had that threesome.

I would ask what one has to do
with the other,

but never the fuck mind.

- Where is my script?
- Script?

The one you promised
would be done a month ago?

The one I talked up
to Paramount.

Got 'em all excited,
and now they're pissed off

wondering what happened to it.

Well, it-it's almost done.

I'm just... making
a few final tweaks.

Oh, please.

The only line older than that
is "let there be light."

No, I'm not lying.
Look, I-I swear to you...

I swear to you, I will have it
to you in one week.

No. You got 24 hours.

Starting now.

Come on, man, we're
supposed to be friends.

Look, I am your friend.
Any other agent would have

kicked your ass
to the curb long ago.

Okay, well, yeah, and of course,

I'm grateful
that you stood by me,

but please, I mean...
Give me till Friday.

You got till 10:15 tomorrow.

Tweak fast.

Are you having an affair?

Really, Karl, before breakfast?

No, I heard you on
the phone this morning.

You were arguing
with someone,

refusing to meet unless they
found a discreet location.

You listened to
a private conversation?

- You should be ashamed of yourself.
- Well, I am...

after I've had sex
with a busboy in an alleyway,

but I-I don't really break
a sweat over eavesdropping.

Regardless, I don't owe you
any explanations,

- so drop the subject.
- Oh, go on.

Tell me who it is.

Is it one of our friends
from the country club?

The tennis instruct...
No, the chef.

Karl, I believe you're jealous.

Oh, don't be daft.

Oh, by the way,

if it is a busboy
named Julio,

will you give him
my regards?

Mm, the irony is just delicious.

Is it one of our neighbors?

Dig all you like, Karl.

Even if I were
having an affair,

you'd never hear
his name from me.

We need to talk
about Tommy.

The bed news is
he's been acting strangely.

He leaves the house
at all hours of the night.

Won't tell me where he's been
when he comes home.

Oh, I do home Tommy hasn't
fallen in with the wrong crowd.

Why are you looking at me?

- I'm offering you a cookie.
- Oh.

Right.

The good news is
I got him a new job

working for Bader's Nursery.

He'll be doing home care.

- Home care?
- That means he'll go

into people's houses
and water their plants

while they're at work

or on vacation.

Will he?

This is where
the favor comes in.

I'm asking all of my friends
to hire Tommy.

I need to keep him busy.

Just so I'm clear,
people leave town

and give Tommy
the keys to their homes?

I know what you're thinking,
but Tommy is

very trustworthy...
and quick, too.

He'd be in and out.

I'm sure he'd stay long enough
to get the job done.

Of course.

Can I count you in?

Oh, why not?

We like Tommy,
don't we, darling?

Oh, yes.

We certainly do.

Poor April.

If you could
have seen her face.

Oh, you don't want me
anywhere near that tramp's face

because I will slap it.

It's her big night.

I was honored she wanted me
to come so badly.

Doesn't she have
any other friends?

Or did she sleep
with their husbands, too?

I'm glad Rob is going.

She needs someone there
to cheer her on.

I don't get it.

This is war.

You are fighting
with another woman

over your husband
and you are losing.

Honey!

He's home early.
I'm in here, Rob.

If he tells you that he's got
to work late Tuesday,

I will vomit
and you will have to mop

this floor up all over again.

There you are.
Guess what?

I have amazing news.

You do?

I got two tickets
to the World Series.

For when?

Let me guess. Tuesday?

As a matter of fact, yeah.

My boss gave them to me
as a gift, and they

- are right behind home plate.
- Who are you taking?

What do you mean,
who am I taking?

Only my best girl.

Let me see those.

Holy crap!

He's got two tickets
to the World Series.

Isn't that what I just said?

And these are for Tuesday?

Yeah.

What's wrong?

Well, I just want to make sure

we haven't forgotten
about any plans

we might have made for Tuesday?

Well, whatever plans we made,
consider them canceled.

I've got a date with my wife,
the Dodgers and the Yankees.

Okay.

What's going on here?
Why aren't you happy?

Oh, she is very happy.

She's just not used
to you being so wonderful.

Oh.

Huh?

Rob, give us a second. We're not
through with the mopping.

I got to call Carl.

He's gonna be so
jealous.

April is going
to be heartbroken.

To hell with April.

You've got to focus
on the big picture.

He's choosing you
over her.

You're winning.

I guess I am.

Hey. Taylor called.

Her plane landed
in Fresno.

What are you doing?

Killing myself.

- With cheese?
- Yeah. My plan is

to get super fat
and then die of hypertension.

That might take a while.

Only great writers
deserve quick deaths.

Hemingway, Wolfe, Plath.

Me? I'm a bad writer,

so I deserve
to die slowly,

painfully... disgustingly.

Do we have any mustard?

No.

But we have mayonnaise.

Oh, yes, the condiment of hacks.

Bring it to me.

What's going on?

My agent's gonna drop me

if I don't get him my script
by tomorrow morning.

And you're not finished?

I-I've written 50 pages.
Each just worst than the last.

I doubt that.

I mean, I have no third act.

I keep sitting here,

staring at the poster
of my one and only hit,

praying for some sort
of inspiration.

And the longer I look at it,
the more I realize...

it was a fluke.

I mean, brilliant
director, stellar cast,

all turning my crap dialogue
into gold.

How am I gonna tell Taylor

that I lost my fucking agent?

Give me the 50 pages.

Why, so you can
beat me with them?

Because I think it might help
you to get some honest feedback.

Do you know anything
about writing?

I know what I like.

And if I think that
your script's in decent shape,

you'll have the confidence
to finish the damn thing.

Yeah, and what if it's just
50 pages of me shitting the bed?

Then I will go to the store
and I will buy you

every kind of cheese
known to man.

And mayonnaise.

Gonna need lots of mayonnaise.

Rob, what are you doing?
We're going to be late.

I'm looking
for my old baseball glove.

Maybe I can get Sandy Koufax
to sign it.

Don't bother Mr. Koufax tonight.
He'll be working.

Eh, he can sign one glove.

Maybe it's in one of the boxes
in the garage.

No, it should be in this one.

Stanton residence.

Hold on.

Maybe you're right
about the garage.

Check the box by the tool
drawer. I got to take this.

Who is it?

Uh, a guy from work.
Uh, I'll be right down.

What the hell
do you think you're doing?

I said never
to call me here.

I already told you,
I got plans with my wife.

She's making me
take her out to dinner.

Don't cry. L-Look,
I hate it when you cry.

There's nothing
I can do about this.

Now-now I got to go.

Well, you were right
about the garage.

No sign of your glove.

Eh, it doesn't matter.
Let's get going

or we'll miss
the national anthem.

Honey, I don't think I can go.

What?

I'm not feeling well.

You look fine to me.

Robert.

You remember our trip
to New Mexico?

You mean, you got...

Yes. I should stay close
to a bathroom.

Well, they got bathrooms
at the stadium.

I could never do that
to total strangers.

Want me to stay
home with you?

Don't be silly.

Oh, good. Thank God,
'cause I really want to go.

Bye.

April, it's Sheila.

My aunt is fine.

I can come hear you sing
after all.

Yes. I'm happy, too.

Ah.

It is so good

to see you guys.

I just wish Mama
could've made it.

How is she?

- Nasty as ever.
- Mean as the day is long.

We work our fingers
to the bone for that woman.

But it's never good
enough for her.

The doctor says
she could live to be 100.

And she'll do it,
just to spite us.

Well, look, I know she can be
difficult to care for,

and I wish
I could help out more.

Oh, don't worry about it, sugar.

- We don't resent you.
- Not much, anyway.

Would be nice if you could
take her off our hands

every now and then.

Got an extra room
in that big house of yours?

Don't need to be fancy.

Oh, it could be the
cellar for all we care.

I would really like to help out,
but it would be tricky,

given my current
living situation.

Okay, I meant to lead
with this when I sat down,

but the truth is...

I am no longer in
an open marriage.

- You left Eli?
- Thank you, Jesus.

No, I didn't leave Eli, I
moved my lover into our home.

The three of us are
officially a throuple.

Would it be okay
if we tell Mama?

'Cause this will kill her.

Sheila.

- Hi.
- Look at you.

- You're lovely.
- Thanks.

Oh, I'm so nervous.

You're going to be great.

Hey, kid,
you're on in ten.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Porter.

What are you looking for?

It's silly.
Rob told me he can't make it.

I just... I keep thinking
maybe he'll surprise me.

Honey, you can't worry
about that right now.

You've got a show to do.

You're right. Thank you
so much for being here.

Knock 'em dead.

Okay.

♪ When I was just
a little girl ♪

♪ I asked my mother,
"What will I be? ♪

♪ Will I be pretty,
will I be rich?" ♪

♪ Here's what she said to me ♪

♪ Que será, será ♪

♪ Whatever will be, will be ♪

♪ The future's not ours to see ♪

♪ Que será, será ♪

♪ What will be, will be... ♪

Hey.

Well?

It's good.

You hate it.

No. It's good.

- It's not great.
- Some of it's great.

The dialogue,
the scenes in the diner...

Just-just skip to what sucks.

That would be
your lead character.

What's wrong with Eva?

She waits around for 15 pages
hoping a man will save her.

She's a victim. I hate victims.

Yeah, yeah. Okay. I mean,
make her more proactive, sure.

And can't she do
something interesting

to get out of trouble?

- What do you mean, interesting?
- Like, on page 40,

she's abandoned at the diner
and totally broke, right?

- Yeah.
- So, let her

steal the owner's truck

and then she drives
to the drug dealer's house

and starts a fire.

And when he runs
out the front,

she goes in the back
and gets the money

that he took from her.

And his gun.

She'd definitely take his gun.

Wow. Um, I mean, i-it's
definitely more proactive.

It's just... I don't know,
I-I never saw Eva that way.

I mean, she's...
she's a nice girl.

Yeah, but nice girls,
they break the law every day.

When they need to.

Okay. All right, I hear you.

There's more to Eva
than meets the eye.

Exactly.

So now, get started, open
your laptop, get to work.

You have 22 hours.

Hey.

How did you come up
with that stuff, anyway?

Maybe there's more to me
than meets the eye.

Hey.
Sorry I'm late.

It's okay.
Are you clear on what to do?

I guess.

Are we sure about this?
I mean, if we get caught...

Yes. It's very risky.

I suppose the smart thing
to do is end this affair

and never have sex again.

Fine.

I don't know why
Mrs. Dubner's bed feels amazing.

It's the sheets.
They're Egyptian cotton.

How do you know that?

I used to wash
sheets like this

when I worked in
my father's laundry.

Your dad owned a laundry?

You think I was born rich?

Well... yeah.

Not even close.

When I was 12, I used
to covet things like this.

Once, I took some
satin sheets home.

I wanted to see
what it felt like

to sleep on them,
just for one night.

My mother caught me.
She was so angry.

She made me wash
and iron them right there.

It was 2:00 in the morning.

And then she took them away.

- That's a shame.
- Mm.

Mother said, "If you want
to sleep on expensive sheets,

choose wisely
who you sleep next to."

So, uh, she basically told you
to marry for money.

That's, uh, some
really bad advice.

Well, I followed it twice.

I didn't think of marrying
for love until Karl.

I never told that story before.

To anyone.

Thanks for telling me first.

If you really want to thank me,

get over here.

Oh, I feel so badly about this.

After you went
to all the trouble

of taking me to the airport.

It's fine, Joyce.

Nobody expects you
to get on a plane

when you're feeling ill.

Oh, it's the plant van.

Tommy must be here.

So, finally,
I confessed to Eli

how much Jade meant to me,
and he agreed

to let her live
with us, permanently.

Yes, I know,
it's unconventional,

and you probably don't approve,

but... it's working.

Well, as long as
you're happy.

That's what matters.

Really?

That's all you have to say?

Since you asked,
I have a question.

- Here we go.
- Do you still love Eli?

- Of course.
- And you also love this woman?

Yes.

I'm wondering, how do they
feel about each other?

Oh. Well...

I knew she hadn't
thought it through.

- Hadn't even crossed her mind.
- Mm-hmm.

Hold on. Eli and Jade
like each other.

That's not a problem.

Not yet. What happens when
he likes her more than you?

What happens when she
gets tired of sharing?

- Where does that leave you, missy?
- On the outside

looking in, that's where.

That's not gonna happen.

It's not.

Obviously, we don't know Jade.

So we can't judge her.

But we know Eli.

We saw what he put you through.

Yes, we went through
a dark time,

but that was two years ago.

"A dark time"?
The man's a drug addict.

Half your savings
went up his nose.

The man's incapable
of self-control.

And now he's got
another woman in his bed?

The hell did you think
was gonna happen?

Stop it!

I know you're trying
to bait me,

but it's not gonna work.

I'm telling you,
Eli has changed.

Oh, baby sister,
men never change.

They just get better
at keeping secrets.

Mm.

Hello?

It's Mrs. Dubner.

You said she was
going to France.

Yeah, my mom took her
to the airport this morning.

Tommy, where are you?

- Oh!
- You have to hide!

Make the bed.

I can't do both.

I know you think I'm
a ridiculous hypochondriac,

but the pain is real.

You'll be fine.

You just need to
lie down in your room.

Mrs. Dubner.
Did you miss your flight?

I'm having a migraine.
I need to rest.

No, uh...
you can't go in there.

Why not?

I, uh, just sprayed.

Sprayed?

Uh, insecticide.

Your, uh, your ficus had
a white fly.

- I've never seen any white fly.
- Yeah, well, they're...

they're pretty tiny...
see?

Oh, my God. Kill it!

See, I-I didn't know that
you would be back so soon,

so I used a very
strong insecticide.

You inhale those fumes
with a migraine and...

You're right.
I can smell it.

Yeah, y-you better stay
downstairs.

Don't just stand there,
help her down.

We need you to run
to the pharmacy.

Now?

I'm out of medication.

Here's my prescription.

I should go open
some windows in the bedroom.

To air it out.

Oh, hurry.

Joyce is in agony.

Joyce is sick. I have
to go to the drugstore.

Well, how am I supposed
to get out of here?

I don't know.

- Hello?
- Karl, it's me. I need your help.

Speak up, I can hardly hear you.

I'm trapped in
Joyce Dubner's house.

Oh, dear, is she telling
her appendectomy story again?

She doesn't know I'm here,
and neither does Naomi.

Sorry, Naomi's there?

Yes, and I'm trapped upstairs.

Upstairs?

Would this have anything to do
with the affair

you're not having?

Now is not the time!

Oh, what a nasty tone.
I think I'm gonna hang up.

All right, all right,
fine, fine.

I'm having an affair.

Now can you please
come over here

and create a distraction
so I can get out?

What are husbands for?

Eli?

Hey, Eli.

Eli, hey.

- Hmm?
- You fell asleep.

- Oh, my God, what time is it?
- It's 4:00 in the morning.

What? Oh, shit.

- How much have you done?
- 61 pages.

The good news is that
I think the story's working,

but, I mean, I don't know,
I can't tell,

'cause I'm just so tired
I can't even think.

Well, you have to keep going.

- Lamar expects the script by breakfast.
- I know, I know.

I've been writing
for ten hours straight.

Believe me when I tell you
that there is no tank left

in the gas.

Wait. No, that's right.

Hold on, I have something.

Ah.

Here we go.

Take this.

What is that?

I get pills to help
with my ADHD.

They give you a lift
and they help you focus.

Uh... I don't think I should.

It's fine.
It's not a big deal.

Like, college kids
take them all the time

to cram for midterms and shit.

Yeah... No, thank you.

Okay, it's your choice.

- Fuck it, give me the pill.
- Are you sure?

Yes, yes. I need
to finish the script.

Eli. What are you doing here?

Hand-delivering you my script.

You couldn't send it by e-mail?

No, no, no, I could not,
because I needed

to look you in the eye
when I told you

that it's not done.

- Oh, come on...
- But, but,

I finished 80 pages,
and it's great.

So great that
you're gonna call me,

and you're going to apologize
for ever considering

dropping me as a client.

You're gonna say, "Eli,
this is fucking brilliant.

"I can't fucking wait
to see how it ends.

You, my friend, are one fucking
talented motherfucker."

Hey, sweetie.

I didn't see you there.

I'm shutting the door now.

As well you should.

I found your sleep mask.

Bring it here.
There's too much light.

What the hell was that?!

Somebody just rammed
into my car.

Karl?

- What have you done?
- I'm so sorry.

I-I swerved

to avoid a kitten.

Isn't this Joyce Dubner's house?

Yes.

So, where-where's Joyce?

Naomi? You're back quickly.

What happened out there?

Naomi?

Oh, you must be inhaling fumes.

You better get some water.

Hey...

What happened here?

I just brought Joyce home
from the airport.

She's ill, and your husband
just crashed into my car.

Yes,
and I was out for a drive

and had to swerve
to avoid hitting a puppy.

I thought it was a kitten.

Well, it had fur
and moved quickly.

Anyway, crash.

Oh, good, Tommy's back.

Back?

Well, he was here
spraying the plants

in Joyce's bedroom,

and I sent him to the drugstore
for her pills.

Well, wasn't that lucky, dear?

Seems Tommy was
right there in the bedroom

ready to be useful.

Well, I'll see you
at home, Karl.

I have to finish
my jog.

Do you, darling?

'Cause I'm pretty sure
the jog is up.

I can't understand why you're not happy.

Tonight was a triumph.

You should be dancing
in the street.

Yeah. I know.

Guess I just really hoped
Rob would show up.

Sweetie, it's going to be okay.

No, it's not.

It's not going to be okay
ever again.

Well, why not?

Because I'm falling
in love with him.

Eli?

What's going on?

- Hey.
- Hey.

I just got a call from Lamar.

Okay. What did he say?

He said it's the best thing
I've ever written.

- Really?
- Yeah. He said it's smart

and exciting
and that the character of Eva

is "deliciously complex."

And then he told me to not
fuck up the ending, but, I mean,

the point is, he loved it.

- I'm so happy for you.
- Oh, my God.

How do I even begin
to say thank you?

I didn't do much.

Yes, you did.
You know you did.

And if I was actually good
at what I do,

I would come up with something
better than just "thank you,"

but for now,

that's all I got,
so thank you.

- No, look, I'll take it, I'll take it. Oh.
- Thank you, thank you.

Congrats.

Oh, uh...

A-Are we allowed to do this
without Taylor?

I'm not...
not sure.

You think I'm stupid, don't you?

I would never say that.

Now this
was not the plan.

I was not supposed
to care this much.

When he didn't
show up tonight,

it just... hit me.

What am I gonna do now?

I have a hunch
he's happier at home

than he's led you to believe.

Which means he'll continue
to disappoint you.

You don't need that
right now.

Your career is finally
taking off.

You should be
enjoying this time,

not mooning over some
other woman's husband.

I mean, why would he
even be with me

if he was so happy with her?

Maybe she did something
to hurt him

and he needs time
to forgive her.

I don't really understand that.

It's late.
I should go.

And you should
get some sleep.

Sheila.

You are such a good friend.

I think you're maybe
the best I've ever had.

You really were
wonderful tonight.

Um...

I need to use your bathroom.

Oh, uh, it's a mess.

Can I just clean up first?

No!

Is everything okay?

Um, I...
I may be in here a while.

Oh...

Hey, baby.

Rob. Hi... What are you,
what are you doing here?

I wanted to come hear
about your show.

Oh,
it went great.

Oh, good.

Mm, we should celebrate.

Oh, I can't. My friend is here.

I don't see anybody.

She's in the bathroom.

What's wrong
with her?

I think she
has diarrhea.

Lot of that
going around.

Come here.

Can we talk tomorrow?

I'm here now.

- Now is not a good time.
- Mm.

And I have something
important to tell you.

Don't tell him. Not now.

What is it?

- No. You're drunk.
- I had two beers.

Come on, give me, give me a hint.

Well...

I have been doing
a lot of thinking about us,

and I realized something.

Are you breaking up
with me?

God, no.

Okay.

I'm in love with you.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

I just... I just thought
it would be nice to know

how you felt
about me.

I'm not leaving my wife.

Yeah, no, I'm not asking you to.

See, I think you are.

I think you're too drunk
to have this conversation.

When you start using
the "L word,"

a guy can sober up pretty quick.

You don't love me?

I think you're great.

You think I'm great?

That's your response?

You knew the rules.
I was very clear.

I will never leave my wife!

- Please don't yell at me.
- Well, you're making me angry!

Okay, okay, okay.

I-I...

So...

where does that leave me?

I don't know.

I think that
you should go.

You okay?

Yeah, he usually doesn't speak
to me that way.

He's normally very kind.

Oh, honey.

Well, I hope his wife
appreciates how lucky she is.

I'm not sure she's that lucky.

So...

Tommy Harte.

I know he's a bit young...

A bit? When I met him,
he was eight.

And you were heterosexual.

And now this child
is your lover?

Who knew there was
such a fine line

between adultery
and day care?

Bugger off, Karl.
You have no right to judge me.

I'm not judging you,

I'm just teasing.

If anything,
I'm happy for us. Drink?

Brandy. What do you mean
you're happy for us?

Well, don't you see?
We don't need to get a divorce.

We have stumbled into
the perfect arrangement.

You will have your lovers
and I will have mine,

and then we will come home
to sparkling conversation.

It's very European.

It doesn't bother you that I'm
having sex with someone else?

Darling, I'm gay.

Look, for me, sex with a woman
is like emptying the dishwasher.

I mean, I'll do it if I'm asked,

but if someone else volunteers,
I won't complain.

Oh. You know I love this shirt.

You might've asked for vodka.

I don't understand.
How can you not be jealous?

Sorry, wait, you want me
to be jealous of Tommy Harte?

He's jealous of you!

So he should be.
I'm the husband.

Not for long.

Oh, what are you gonna do,
divorce me and marry Tommy?

- Maybe I will.
- Oh, good. Well, I'll get you a gift.

Where will you be registered?
Fisher-Price?

Everything is not a joke, Karl.

You're not being funny,
you're being cruel.

Oh, darling, I'm not trying
to be cruel. I love you.

No, you don't!

Not the way I need.

I want a man
who loves me so much

that he would kill another man
if I slept with someone else.

And I'm never gonna get that
from you, am I?

No.

But you're my best friend.

It's not enough.

Shit.

Yeah? Hey, babe.

Hey. Why are you whispering?

Oh, I was just, I was writing,
so, you know...

...takes me a minute to get out
of the "in my head" voice

and back into the
"out loud" voice.

- How did everything go?
- Oh, the conference was great,

and my sisters...
are my sisters.

- Yeah.
- Look, if you're working, I don't want to stop you.

Um, is Jade up?
I can talk to her.

Uh...

I-I-I think she's
walking the dog.

It's a little late for that, no?

Yeah, but, you know...

dog can't tell time, so...

I'm, uh...
I'm glad you checked in.

Yeah. Um, I love you.

I love you, too.