Whose Line Is It Anyway? (2013–…): Season 9, Episode 2 - Gary Anthony Williams 7 - full transcript

-Good evening, everybody,

and welcome to
"Whose Line Is It Anyway?"

On tonight's show,
eats his greens, Wayne Brady.

Doesn't eat meat,
Gary Anthony Williams.

Breast or thigh, Colin Mochrie.

And pull his wishbone.
It's Ryan Stiles.

And I'm Aisha Tyler.

Let's make some stuff up!

Hello, everybody. Welcome
to "Whose Line Is It Anyway"...

The show where every
single thing's made up,

and the points don't matter.



We have a sensational show
for you tonight,

and we're gonna get started
right now with a game

called "Let's Make a Date."

This is for all of our
performers, so come on down.

Our good friend Gary
is appearing on a dating show,

and Ryan, Colin, and Wayne
are the contestants

who are hoping against hope
that he will choose one of them.

Each of them has a strange
characteristic or identity,

and Gary's gonna ask
each of them

about their suitability
for a date.

In the process, try to figure
out who these nutballs are.

So, whenever you're ready, Gary,
go make yourself a date.

-Bachelor number one,

chocolate is made out
of something called cacao,



and that makes it delicious.

What makes you so delicious?

- There's chocolate in me, too...
chocolate on the outside,

chocolate in the inside! Ba-mmm.

Eat me. Ahh!

Chocolate, chocolate, chocolate!

Eat me. Eat myself. Eat me.

Whee!

Whee!

-Okay, bachelor number two.

They say the way to a man's
heart is through his stomach.

How do I get to your heart?

Och aye.

-Aah! Aah! Aah!

He love chocolate.
He love chocolate.

He love chocolate.
He love chocolate!

- Bachelor number three,
if you had to be any number,

what number would you be,
and how come?

-Any number?

Pbht!

-Okay.

Bachelor number one...

Wheeeeee!

Aaaaaahhh!

...Aah!

He love chocolate.
He love chocolate.

-Thank you. Bachelor number two,

did you know that a kilt
in Scotland

doesn't mean that it's dead,
like I "kilt" it?

- Och aye!

Oh!

- off!

-Exactly.

Bachelor number three. -Yes?

-I have never ever, ever, ever,

ever seen
a chocolate cow before.

-Ohh!

-Have you? -Ohh!

Everything's going wrong!

-Alright.

Gary, would you like
to give this a try?

-I would like to give it a try.

Wayne was a kid
in desperate need

of some hyperactive medicine.

- Yes, I will take that.
What did he think people were?

-Playground things.

-Yes. -Wow!

-Yes.

-Colin is a dog.

- Yeah. What kind of dog
might he have been?

- Naturally, he's, like,
a Scottie.

-Yeah. -Yep.

-Yeah. -Young Ry-Ry.

It was simple...
He was a space astronaut.

-Yes. -Who, for some reason,

jettisoned a stool
out of his butt.

- That's partially right,
but I'm gonna take it anyway.

- And what is so strange
about that?

- Very nice. Very nice.
Points for everybody.

Intergalactic points
for all my men.

Alright, we're gonna move on
to a game now that is entitled

"Doo-Wop."

This game is for Wayne,
Gary, and Colin

with the help of Laura Hall
and Linda Taylor.

Come on down.

Now, what I need
from our audience right now...

I need a woman's name.
What's a woman's name?

Lots of beautiful...

Anna. Anna.

-Anna. -That's a sweet name.

And now I need
a category of food.

What is a group of foods?

Lots of good stuff. Alright.

A lot of people here
seem to be very into dairy.

We're gonna go with cheese.

So the way this game works
is that you three

are gonna sing like
a doo-wop group from the '50s,

but you're gonna sing
about Anna,

who died tragically
in a cheese-related accident.

Whenever you're ready,
gentlemen, take it away.

-Okay.

-I'm just so upset.

-Tell them why.

-Oh, Anna.

You did what you pleased.

You used to make paintings
totally out of cheese.

You drowned in cheese paint.

I know it's kind of daft.

-Hey, don't go anywhere.

There's more "Whose Line"
right after this.

Stay tuned.

- Welcome back to
"Whose Line Is It Anyway?"

It's time to play a game
that is entitled "Whose Line?"

This game is for Ryan and Colin,
so come on down.

Before the show,
we asked our audience

to write down
random line suggestions.

We've chosen a few,
and I've got them here.

And, Ryan, these are yours.
- Thank you.

-And, Colin, those are yours.

You can pull them
out of your pockets

and use them at your leisure
during the scene,

whenever you feel ready.
- Alright.

- And the scene you're gonna be
acting out is that...

Oh, it's a very complex scene.
Colin, you're Peter Pan.

-Oh. -And Ryan is Wendy.

-Ah! -Enjoy.

-Wendy. -What?

-All the Lost Boys are saying

you're spending
too much time primping,

instead of looking after us
and mothering us,

like you're supposed to.
- Do you mind if I put on a robe?

- What does that say,
that I didn't even notice?

- Then why don't you leave
if you're not happy

with the way things
are around here?

- Well, this is my place.
- It's not your place anymore.

- What are you saying?
- I've taken over.

-Wendy! -Yes.

What? How?

-Now it's called Wendy's.

Everyone's gonna want
to come here.

- Really?
- Especially late at night,

when they're hungry.

You're old news. People around
the village talk about you now.

When they think of Peter Pan,
they think to themselves...

"Get a load of these melons."

Sorry. My robe...

- Why are you
so obsessed with your...

-My robe opened! I'm sorry.

-You cannot take over Neverland.

- Oh, can't I?
- That doesn't impress me.

I'm not growing up.

-Are you growing out? -No!

The number-one rule, right here.
Rules of Neverland.

That's not even
legal in Alabama.

You can't take over Alabama.
You can't take over Neverland.

- Tell me what's legal
in Alabama, Peter.

- I've never actually
been to Alabama.

- Peter, I think I'm falling
in love with you.

- Oh, but

We...

I was just cock-crowing.

-Oh, were you? -I was.

I-I don't understand you.

You want to take over Neverland.

Now you say
you're in love with me?

-That's right, Peter. Oh!

I suppose you saw my tattoo.

My tramp stamp, if you will.

You might as well
have a look at it.

- "You've been a bad boy." -Yes.

You have been a bad boy.

-Well, I guess.

- My tattoo is just assuming.
- Yes. Well, I'm guessing

if that's where you are
when you're reading it,

you're being a bad boy.
- That's true.

- Oh, this is the most bestest,
most wonderful day ever.

I just have to shout
to the world.

Your mom is so hot!

-Really?

- Great work, gentlemen.
I'll have your points

sent to your dressing rooms
after the show.

-Oh! -Please tip your waiter.

Alright, now we're gonna play
a game entitled

"Irish Drinking Song."
This game is for all four of you

with help from Laura Hall
on the piano.

And what I need from our
audience is a suggestion.

I need a suggestion
of an interesting place

to meet your mate.

What is an interesting place
to meet your lover or mate?

Lots of exciting places.

You guys are super-weird.

I got a lot
of interesting suggestions,

but I'm going to go
with job interview.

You met your lover
at a job interview.

- That is interesting.
- It is, isn't it?

Whenever you're ready.

Let's hear the "I met my lover
at a job interview...

-Job interview.

- Irish...

-Nailed it!

- We're gonna move on now,
my friends,

to a game that is entitled
"Scenes from a Hat."

All of our performers.
Come on down.

Ryan and Colin are there.
Wayne and Gary are here.

Now, before our show,
we asked our audience

to write down some scenes
they wanted

to see acted out
by our performers.

I've got those suggestions
in this hat right here,

and I'm gonna read them at.
Here it comes.

"If everyone in nature shows
were drunk."

-I'm in quicksand.

- The male... The male mongoose

really can't tell the difference

between a... a snake
and my penis.

- "Unlikely things to see
on a home-improvement show."

- Well, that's the end
of the show today.

This is Rob Cardry
saying two big thumbs up.

Up.

See you next time.

- Okay, let's have a look
at your brand-new bathroom.

-Alright.

- Okay, the crew
cannot use this bathroom!

- "The world's worst
cosmetics commercials."

-You too can look like this.

With this special toner
and your eye product...

...just three times a day.

Youthful.

Magnificent. Gorgeous.

Ug-ley from

Ug-ley

- Ask for it by name.
- Ug-ley

When we say "liquid,"

we mean "lick with"...

as in lick with your tongue.

-Aah!

- Do it!

-No.

- Why am I always picked
for those ones?

-"The worst times to forget

you're still wearing
a microphone."

-Whee! Whee!

Whee! Whee!

-Okay, alright, I'm done now.

Alright.
Oh, the cameras were still on.

-Don't go anywhere.

There's more "Whose Line Is It
Anyway?" right after this.

Stick around.

- Welcome back
to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"

Let's keep the show going now,

with a game entitled
"Greatest Hits."

This is a game
for all four performers,

with the help of Laura Hall
and Linda Taylor

on piano and guitar.
Come on down, guys.

The way this works
is that Ryan and Colin

are two
television voiceover artists,

talking about
the latest compilation album.

Wayne and Gary
are gonna sing snippets

of the songs on that album.

And what I need is a suggestion
from the audience.

What is a type of person
who might come rescue you?

What type of person
might come rescue you?

-Oh, how about a lifeguard?

-Oh! -Yes.

So, the name of this album
is called

"Songs of the Lifeguard."

- We'll be back to
our naked movie remake

"The Devil Wears Nada"
in just a second.

Is there anything
better than rock 'n' roll?

-Pudding. Pudding.

- Yes, in some instances.
- Pudding's better than any...

I don't care. You could just
leave a blank there,

and I'm gonna say "pudding,"

because there's nothing
better than pudding.

Like to put it on a cracker.
- Yeah.

- I put it on a cracker.
"Puddin" on the Ritz.

-No, that's good!

Anyway, one of the great
lifeguard rock

'n' roll hits is featured
on this album.

And it is a beautiful one...

"Sunburns and Sand."

- Old time rock 'n' roll.
- Yeah, it is.

That would be...

-Powder-covered Oreo. -Yeah.

You know, Colin,
when I like to romance a lady...

And I say a lady. -I know.

-When I like to romance a lady,

I like to get
a nice bottle of wine,

turn the lights down
a little low,

and put on some
good old ragtime.

And, you know,
when I think ragtime songs,

and I think lifeguards,
I think of that one

that was on the top
of the ragtime charts

for over three weeks straight,
that ragtime hit, "Kelp"!

- Now we're really taking
it back old school, huh?

-Alright.

Take it, Charlie.

-Uh-huh!

-Oh.

Tell them what it is, Charlie!

One more time.

- Hey, hey, hey.
I'll tell you who won our show

right after this short break.

Don't move. We have more
"Whose Line" right after this.

- Welcome back to "Whose Line
Is It Anyway?" That's our show.

Tonight's winners are
Colin Mochrie and Wayne Brady.

So, please, read out the credits

as if you are dashing
"Star Trek" officers

flirting with sexy alien women
Ryan and Gary.

Thanks for watching, everybody.
Good night.

- Have you ever slept
with a Romulan?

- No, I haven't.
- Would you like to?

-I guess I would.

- Highly illogical.
- Be careful of my... Oh.

- I think I found
a good one here.

-Oh. -Oh!

-Oh, I'm getting Earth. -Earth!

-Stardate 525.

I think she may go out with me.

-Me-me-me-me-me-me.

- Meld. We are one.
We are one together.

I am you, and you are me.