Whose Line Is It Anyway? (2013–…): Season 9, Episode 1 - Episode #9.1 - full transcript
-Good evening, everybody,
and welcome to
"Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
On tonight's show,
"Dancing with the Stars,"
Wayne Brady;
dancing in the dark, Jeff Davis;
dancing baby, Colin Mochrie;
and dancing queen,
it's Ryan Stiles.
And I'm Aisha Tyler.
Let's have some fun!
Hi, everybody. Welcome.
Welcome to
"Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
The show where
everything is made up.
The points, they don't matter.
We've got a great show
for you tonight,
so let's get started with a game
we call "Weird Newscasters."
This is for all four
of our performers.
Gentlemen, come on down.
In this game, Colin is
the anchor of a news program.
Jeff, Ryan, and Wayne
are his co-anchors,
and each of whom
has a rather odd personality.
Jeff is the co-anchor
who's also an amorous, loving,
affectionate potter working
at his wheel on new pot Colin.
Wayne is gonna be
the sportscaster
who's also an army cadet
who thinks the studio
is an assault course
that he is training on.
And Ryan is
the weather forecaster
who's also having
furious arguments
with members of his family
in the studio.
Whenever you are ready,
gentlemen.
Have at thee.
Welcome to the 6:00 news.
I'm your anchor,
Earl With-The-Dragon-Tattoo.
Our top story...
a couple was arrested
in the India's tallest building
for doing as many positions
in the Kama Sutra
as possible in the elevator.
Said one policeman,
"It was wrong
on so many levels."
Let's see what's happening
in the rest of the world
with Derry.
-Ooh.
Oh, yes.
Oh, oh, yes.
Yes.
Shh.
Little water.
She's no Demi.
It'll have to do.
- Could've bought me dinner
first.
Let's see what's happening
in the world of sports.
- Yes, sir!
Cadet Johnson reporting, sir!
I'm here to tell you all
about what's happening
in college football. The latest,
it appears that
there's gonna be 15 teams
vying for the latest...
...latest titles.
Someone's gonna have to win
the season.
Someone's gonna have to do it.
It's gonna have to happen.
It's got to happen.
It's gonna happen,
but we don't know when.
Impossible.
We don't understand exactly.
-I made a pot.
- Let's see what's happening
in weather with Lumpy Guru.
-Thank you, Colin.
Check the weather
for the weekend.
Got rain coming in on the
weekend, which is just fine
because I have nothing planned
with the family,
'cause everyone's arguing.
They're all here in the studio
this evening with me.
Mom, where are you?
There she is, back there.
Mom, come down here
I need to make up with you.
Mom, Mom, come here.
You raised your hand. Come here.
Dad? Dad where are you?!
Dad, come here, Dad.
Come here, Dad.
This is my...
This is my mother, Irene.
- Hello. Yes.
-This is my father, Albert.
And also my...
my three brothers are here.
Jim... Jim, Jack, Phil, come
down here, if you will, please.
And...
And I think
what's causing the argument
probably is the fact
that we have three brothers.
But that man!
Thinks he's part of the family.
Come here, Jerry.
Even though we argue,
this family shares something
a lot of families can't.
We have a family song
that we sing every Christmas.
Don't laugh!
Richie's always been
the joker of the family.
Let's sing the family song.
Just the first verse is fine.
Remember our last name
is Stiles.
I'll see you guys
after the show.
Mom, Mom, give me a hug, Mom.
-Bye, son.
Mom, give me another hug.
- Well, that's all time
we have for news.
Goodnight... and good news.
Never seen anyone twice as old
as their mother and father.
-Or twice as tall.
Or twice as white.
500 points to that lady for
turning out a big Caucasian guy.
-We're all family. -Whoo!
- We're all family.
- That's right!
-We're all family.
-Now, my friends,
it's time for a game
called "Hoedown!"
This is where all of our
performers
with Laura Hall at the piano.
So what I need from the audience
is a suggestion.
I need a suggestion that I hope
I'm gonna get to use!
And I would like a suggestions
for a type of restaurant
that you might eat at.
Ohh!
Alright, I actually did hear
Mexican,
so we're gonna go
with Mexican food, alright?
Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear
the Mexican food hoedown.
- Hey, don't go away!
We'll be back with more
"Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
right after these messages.
Thank you.
- Welcome back to
"Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
And now we're gonna move on
to a game called "Infomercial."
This game is for Ryan and Colin.
Come on down.
Grab your box of fun.
In this game,
our boys are gonna be
trying to sell their audience
some utterly useless items.
And you've got them there,
and you're gonna be
selling a kit
to help a person
get a better night's sleep.
When you're ready, take it away.
-Hey, what's up? -Huh? Oh, man.
I'm sorry Colin.
Oh, we're on the air.
-Yeah. Hey, you look like
you're not getting enough sleep
at night.
- I didn't sleep a wink
last night.
- Then have we got
something for you!
-I did sleep. -Ha, he's lying!
He's a big liar!
- But it is a big problem
with a lot of people.
- Yes, the technical term
is insomnia.
- Really? What's that mean?
- It means I can't
sleep at night.
-Oh.
- Here is something that I think
you will be amazed at.
-Oh. -This deadens...
-Oh, my God! Are you alright?
-No, I'm fine, I'm fine. Wow.
It immediately cuts off...
- The hell happened?
- You were explaining this.
- It cuts off all the oxygen...
-Oh, no, geez. -Oh.
- I'm not gonna even put that
on you anymore.
-No, but that's the quick way,
although it has been shown
to cause hemorrhoids.
- You know, a lot of people
can't sleep because they
haven't got the right pillow.
That's a big problem.
- That is a big problem.
- That's why we introduced...
the wheel pillow. -That's right.
- A lot of people flip and flop
in bed all night.
I'm on my left side,
and I'm on my right side.
This way, you can
constantly move all night.
-Or...
...like that.
-You know, Col. -What?
- A lot of times people
don't know it's nighttime.
Is it daytime right now, or...
right now?
- I don't know,
it's hard to think
with all the cuts on my scalp!
Yeah, I guess it's nighttime.
- A good sense of humor
will help you fall asleep.
- That's right, and if you don't
fall asleep
for a long time, what happens?
- I don't know how
to assign points for that, so...
- We have so many points already.
- You do.
You guys are loaded.
Next up is a game called
"Scenes From A Hat."
This is for all my performers.
Ryan and Colin there.
Wayne and Jeff, you are here.
Now, before the show
we asked our audience
to right down some scenes
they'd like to see acted out
by our gentlemen performers.
I've got the suggestions
in this hat.
I'm gonna read them out.
And if you are ready, gentlemen,
here's the first one.
Strange lines to hear
in a war movie.
-If I don't make it back,
it'll be because I'm dead.
- We will defend this hill
no matter the cost!
- Oh, we have
ways of getting people to talk.
- Things you should not
turn into a competition.
-Yo!
-Ready. -Yep.
-Set. Go.
- Oh.
- Let the head licking
competition begin!
-Things you can say on a farm
that you cannot say
about your partner.
-What a great hoe.
-It's been dry for five years.
They say that nothing's
gonna grow,
but I keep putting my seed in
it, and I will not give up.
- Uh-oh, looks like my cock
got out again.
It's a rooster.
-What news anchors are saying
when they're
shuffling their papers.
- And we'll be right back
after this.
Oh, I wish I could
strangle you in your sleep.
You're horrible to look at.
You're just a vile person.
You really are just...
- What is wrong with you, Tad?
-Okay, there's more "Whose Line"
coming after these messages.
You know what to do.
- Hey, welcome back
to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
And we're gonna move on to
a game called "Greatest Hits."
This is a game
for all four of performers
with the help Laura Hall
and Linda Taylor
on piano and guitar.
Ryan and Colin
are two television
voice-over personalities.
They're talking about
the latest compilation album.
Wayne and Jeff are gonna
sing snippets
of the songs on the album.
And what I need
from the audience right now
is an exciting American city.
How about San Francisco.
So, we're gonna do an album
entitled
"Songs of San Francisco."
Take it away, boys.
-Hi, we'll be right back
to our game show based on the
movie "Deliverance,"
"Let's Make a Squeal"
in just a second.
-Aloha, San Francisco.
- Wow, I didn't know you spoke
San Franciscan.
-I do.
-One of the great songs on this
is sung by an unusual
pairing you may think...
Johnny Cash and Yoko Ono.
-Oh!
-Way to "yes and."
So, please,
just sit back
and enjoy this incredible song,
"Tale of the Fog Bandit."
Hello, everybody.
I'm Johnny Cash.
Well, there's a sad song that
happened in San Francisco about,
I don't know, 80 years ago.
It goes a little
something like this.
Well, there was a man
from San Anton.
Take it, Yoko.
I deserve to be here.
-Now I understand her last name.
-Oh, no. -Oh, no.
Oh...
- I have some pair pants
if you need them.
-No, I'm okay.
I was doing the hula. -Really?
- Yes, 'cause our next
musical style is Hawaii,
which is just west
of San Francisco.
- Interesting.
- You can't drive there.
Well, you can, but you're not
gonna make it very far.
- True fact.
- You know when I think
San Francisco,
and I think Hawaiian songs,
I think of that one. Every time
I go to the islands,
it makes me cry.
That Hawaiian hit,
"I Hate Ashbury."
I hate Ashbury.
- Hey, I'm gonna tell you
who won our show tonight
right after this break.
Stay where you are.
- Hi, everybody. Welcome back to
"Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
That is our show.
Tonight's winner
is Mr. Wayne Brady. -Oh.
- So I'd like you
to read out the credits
as the front man
of a rock band on stage,
and the others are
your wild band mates.
Don't break a hip, boys.
Goodnight.
Alright, everybody,
thank you so much
for coming back.
This has been our third time
touring with Mark Leveson.
He's still alive.
Jimmy Mulville on drums.
Ryan Stiles,
he's an amazing promoter.
Geraldine Dowd,
she's the best chick
I've ever had in my life.
One, two, three, Colin Mochrie.
...With Jeff Davis
and.
Simon and.
- Hey, wait, put your pants on,
Ray Miller.
We want to thank you so much.
And stop. Will you stop?
We only have one fan.
Goodnight!
and welcome to
"Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
On tonight's show,
"Dancing with the Stars,"
Wayne Brady;
dancing in the dark, Jeff Davis;
dancing baby, Colin Mochrie;
and dancing queen,
it's Ryan Stiles.
And I'm Aisha Tyler.
Let's have some fun!
Hi, everybody. Welcome.
Welcome to
"Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
The show where
everything is made up.
The points, they don't matter.
We've got a great show
for you tonight,
so let's get started with a game
we call "Weird Newscasters."
This is for all four
of our performers.
Gentlemen, come on down.
In this game, Colin is
the anchor of a news program.
Jeff, Ryan, and Wayne
are his co-anchors,
and each of whom
has a rather odd personality.
Jeff is the co-anchor
who's also an amorous, loving,
affectionate potter working
at his wheel on new pot Colin.
Wayne is gonna be
the sportscaster
who's also an army cadet
who thinks the studio
is an assault course
that he is training on.
And Ryan is
the weather forecaster
who's also having
furious arguments
with members of his family
in the studio.
Whenever you are ready,
gentlemen.
Have at thee.
Welcome to the 6:00 news.
I'm your anchor,
Earl With-The-Dragon-Tattoo.
Our top story...
a couple was arrested
in the India's tallest building
for doing as many positions
in the Kama Sutra
as possible in the elevator.
Said one policeman,
"It was wrong
on so many levels."
Let's see what's happening
in the rest of the world
with Derry.
-Ooh.
Oh, yes.
Oh, oh, yes.
Yes.
Shh.
Little water.
She's no Demi.
It'll have to do.
- Could've bought me dinner
first.
Let's see what's happening
in the world of sports.
- Yes, sir!
Cadet Johnson reporting, sir!
I'm here to tell you all
about what's happening
in college football. The latest,
it appears that
there's gonna be 15 teams
vying for the latest...
...latest titles.
Someone's gonna have to win
the season.
Someone's gonna have to do it.
It's gonna have to happen.
It's got to happen.
It's gonna happen,
but we don't know when.
Impossible.
We don't understand exactly.
-I made a pot.
- Let's see what's happening
in weather with Lumpy Guru.
-Thank you, Colin.
Check the weather
for the weekend.
Got rain coming in on the
weekend, which is just fine
because I have nothing planned
with the family,
'cause everyone's arguing.
They're all here in the studio
this evening with me.
Mom, where are you?
There she is, back there.
Mom, come down here
I need to make up with you.
Mom, Mom, come here.
You raised your hand. Come here.
Dad? Dad where are you?!
Dad, come here, Dad.
Come here, Dad.
This is my...
This is my mother, Irene.
- Hello. Yes.
-This is my father, Albert.
And also my...
my three brothers are here.
Jim... Jim, Jack, Phil, come
down here, if you will, please.
And...
And I think
what's causing the argument
probably is the fact
that we have three brothers.
But that man!
Thinks he's part of the family.
Come here, Jerry.
Even though we argue,
this family shares something
a lot of families can't.
We have a family song
that we sing every Christmas.
Don't laugh!
Richie's always been
the joker of the family.
Let's sing the family song.
Just the first verse is fine.
Remember our last name
is Stiles.
I'll see you guys
after the show.
Mom, Mom, give me a hug, Mom.
-Bye, son.
Mom, give me another hug.
- Well, that's all time
we have for news.
Goodnight... and good news.
Never seen anyone twice as old
as their mother and father.
-Or twice as tall.
Or twice as white.
500 points to that lady for
turning out a big Caucasian guy.
-We're all family. -Whoo!
- We're all family.
- That's right!
-We're all family.
-Now, my friends,
it's time for a game
called "Hoedown!"
This is where all of our
performers
with Laura Hall at the piano.
So what I need from the audience
is a suggestion.
I need a suggestion that I hope
I'm gonna get to use!
And I would like a suggestions
for a type of restaurant
that you might eat at.
Ohh!
Alright, I actually did hear
Mexican,
so we're gonna go
with Mexican food, alright?
Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear
the Mexican food hoedown.
- Hey, don't go away!
We'll be back with more
"Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
right after these messages.
Thank you.
- Welcome back to
"Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
And now we're gonna move on
to a game called "Infomercial."
This game is for Ryan and Colin.
Come on down.
Grab your box of fun.
In this game,
our boys are gonna be
trying to sell their audience
some utterly useless items.
And you've got them there,
and you're gonna be
selling a kit
to help a person
get a better night's sleep.
When you're ready, take it away.
-Hey, what's up? -Huh? Oh, man.
I'm sorry Colin.
Oh, we're on the air.
-Yeah. Hey, you look like
you're not getting enough sleep
at night.
- I didn't sleep a wink
last night.
- Then have we got
something for you!
-I did sleep. -Ha, he's lying!
He's a big liar!
- But it is a big problem
with a lot of people.
- Yes, the technical term
is insomnia.
- Really? What's that mean?
- It means I can't
sleep at night.
-Oh.
- Here is something that I think
you will be amazed at.
-Oh. -This deadens...
-Oh, my God! Are you alright?
-No, I'm fine, I'm fine. Wow.
It immediately cuts off...
- The hell happened?
- You were explaining this.
- It cuts off all the oxygen...
-Oh, no, geez. -Oh.
- I'm not gonna even put that
on you anymore.
-No, but that's the quick way,
although it has been shown
to cause hemorrhoids.
- You know, a lot of people
can't sleep because they
haven't got the right pillow.
That's a big problem.
- That is a big problem.
- That's why we introduced...
the wheel pillow. -That's right.
- A lot of people flip and flop
in bed all night.
I'm on my left side,
and I'm on my right side.
This way, you can
constantly move all night.
-Or...
...like that.
-You know, Col. -What?
- A lot of times people
don't know it's nighttime.
Is it daytime right now, or...
right now?
- I don't know,
it's hard to think
with all the cuts on my scalp!
Yeah, I guess it's nighttime.
- A good sense of humor
will help you fall asleep.
- That's right, and if you don't
fall asleep
for a long time, what happens?
- I don't know how
to assign points for that, so...
- We have so many points already.
- You do.
You guys are loaded.
Next up is a game called
"Scenes From A Hat."
This is for all my performers.
Ryan and Colin there.
Wayne and Jeff, you are here.
Now, before the show
we asked our audience
to right down some scenes
they'd like to see acted out
by our gentlemen performers.
I've got the suggestions
in this hat.
I'm gonna read them out.
And if you are ready, gentlemen,
here's the first one.
Strange lines to hear
in a war movie.
-If I don't make it back,
it'll be because I'm dead.
- We will defend this hill
no matter the cost!
- Oh, we have
ways of getting people to talk.
- Things you should not
turn into a competition.
-Yo!
-Ready. -Yep.
-Set. Go.
- Oh.
- Let the head licking
competition begin!
-Things you can say on a farm
that you cannot say
about your partner.
-What a great hoe.
-It's been dry for five years.
They say that nothing's
gonna grow,
but I keep putting my seed in
it, and I will not give up.
- Uh-oh, looks like my cock
got out again.
It's a rooster.
-What news anchors are saying
when they're
shuffling their papers.
- And we'll be right back
after this.
Oh, I wish I could
strangle you in your sleep.
You're horrible to look at.
You're just a vile person.
You really are just...
- What is wrong with you, Tad?
-Okay, there's more "Whose Line"
coming after these messages.
You know what to do.
- Hey, welcome back
to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
And we're gonna move on to
a game called "Greatest Hits."
This is a game
for all four of performers
with the help Laura Hall
and Linda Taylor
on piano and guitar.
Ryan and Colin
are two television
voice-over personalities.
They're talking about
the latest compilation album.
Wayne and Jeff are gonna
sing snippets
of the songs on the album.
And what I need
from the audience right now
is an exciting American city.
How about San Francisco.
So, we're gonna do an album
entitled
"Songs of San Francisco."
Take it away, boys.
-Hi, we'll be right back
to our game show based on the
movie "Deliverance,"
"Let's Make a Squeal"
in just a second.
-Aloha, San Francisco.
- Wow, I didn't know you spoke
San Franciscan.
-I do.
-One of the great songs on this
is sung by an unusual
pairing you may think...
Johnny Cash and Yoko Ono.
-Oh!
-Way to "yes and."
So, please,
just sit back
and enjoy this incredible song,
"Tale of the Fog Bandit."
Hello, everybody.
I'm Johnny Cash.
Well, there's a sad song that
happened in San Francisco about,
I don't know, 80 years ago.
It goes a little
something like this.
Well, there was a man
from San Anton.
Take it, Yoko.
I deserve to be here.
-Now I understand her last name.
-Oh, no. -Oh, no.
Oh...
- I have some pair pants
if you need them.
-No, I'm okay.
I was doing the hula. -Really?
- Yes, 'cause our next
musical style is Hawaii,
which is just west
of San Francisco.
- Interesting.
- You can't drive there.
Well, you can, but you're not
gonna make it very far.
- True fact.
- You know when I think
San Francisco,
and I think Hawaiian songs,
I think of that one. Every time
I go to the islands,
it makes me cry.
That Hawaiian hit,
"I Hate Ashbury."
I hate Ashbury.
- Hey, I'm gonna tell you
who won our show tonight
right after this break.
Stay where you are.
- Hi, everybody. Welcome back to
"Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
That is our show.
Tonight's winner
is Mr. Wayne Brady. -Oh.
- So I'd like you
to read out the credits
as the front man
of a rock band on stage,
and the others are
your wild band mates.
Don't break a hip, boys.
Goodnight.
Alright, everybody,
thank you so much
for coming back.
This has been our third time
touring with Mark Leveson.
He's still alive.
Jimmy Mulville on drums.
Ryan Stiles,
he's an amazing promoter.
Geraldine Dowd,
she's the best chick
I've ever had in my life.
One, two, three, Colin Mochrie.
...With Jeff Davis
and.
Simon and.
- Hey, wait, put your pants on,
Ray Miller.
We want to thank you so much.
And stop. Will you stop?
We only have one fan.
Goodnight!