Whose Line Is It Anyway? (2013–…): Season 12, Episode 7 - Jack Osbourne 2 - full transcript

-Good.

-Good evening,

-Good evening, everybody,

and welcome to
"Whose Line Is It Anyway?"

On tonight's show,
getting his crunk on,

Wayne Brady,

twerking queen Nyima Funk,

fo' shizzle my nizzle,
it's Colin Mochrie,

and getting jiggy with it,
Ryan Stiles,

and I'm Aisha Tyler.

Let's make some stuff up!



Hey! Hey, everybody.

Welcome to
"Whose Line Is It Anyway?"...

The show
where everything is made up

and the points...
They don't matter.

We've got a great show
for you tonight,

so let's get started with a game
called "Scenes From a Hat,"

which is for all four
of our performers.

Come on down!

Ryan and Colin are over there.

Wayne and Nyima are over here.

Now, before the show,
we asked our audience

to write down some scenes
that they would like to see

acted out
by our crack performers here.

I've got the suggestions,
and I'm going to read them out.



We're going to see how many
you guys can make happen.

- Ryan, you ready?
- Mm-hmm.

-Ready, ready? Here it comes.

"Things You Can Say About
Your Car But Not Your Partner."

-No matter how much I pump,
I just can't fill this thing.

[ Buzzer ]

-Oh, I'm so glad I have a spare.

[ Laughter, buzzer ]

-Oh!

Someone got rear-ended.

[ Buzzer ]

-Oh, you're all dry because
you're out of wiper fluid.

[ Audience oohs ]

- Uh-oh.
- [ Buzzer ]

-Really?

Ooh, I offended some car people.

-Wash it, wax it,
have it back by tomorrow.

Wax it good.

[ Buzzer ]

Ugh, it's so hard to fit
in these European models.

[ Buzzer ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

-There you go.

-"The Dating Videos
of Fictional Characters."

-My name is Optimus Prime.

Whatever you want, I can be.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch...

Ta-ta-ch-k, ta-ta-ch-k, ta-k-k.

Ch-k-po-po, ssk-k.

Ch-k-ssk-ssk, ssk-to-to-to-to.

Eee, ch-k, tk-tk-tk.

Brrr, zz-gzz-gzz.

[ Buzzer ]

-Oh, I wanted to know
what you were building.

-Oh, you'll find out.

[ Nyima giggles ]

-Oh, dear Lord above in the sky.

"Weird Things to Read
on a Medical Label."

- "This will kill your ass."

[ Buzzer ] Mnh-mnh.

- "Has no side effects."

[ Buzzer ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

- "Will turn you into a man"?

What in the world?

-D-d-d-d, k-ch-k-ch,
ch-ch-ch-ch.

Ch-ch-ch-ch,
ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch.

Zzz, ch-ch-ch-ch.

[ Buzzer ]

- Whoo-hoo!
- [ Giggles ]

-"Things You Don't Want to Hear

from the Person
You've Just Woken Up Next To."

-Yay, I'm a real boy!

[ Laughter and applause ]

[ Buzzer ]

-Uh, 500 points to Wayne

for buzzing himself out twice,

and 250 points to Colin
for your...

subtlety.

- Wow.
- [ Laughter ]

-Now we're going to play a game
called "Song Style."

Wayne is going to be making up
a song assisted

by Laura Hall and Linda Taylor
on piano and guitar.

And to inspire our good friend
Wayne tonight,

we have a very special celebrity
guest for him to serenade,

so please welcome
my good friend Jack Osbourne!

-Mwah!

-Jackie!

- Good to see you.
- And you.

How's it going?

-So, Wayne, you're going to be

singing a song to Jack
about his life.

- Oh.
- Yes.

- Get ready.
- It should be tragic.

-And you're going to be singing
in the style of salsa.

So a song about Jack
in the style of salsa.

-Because my life just
screams salsa, right?

- It does.
- That's it.

So, you do so many things,
and you've gotten a chance

to do a ton of stuff.

Is there something
that you haven't done

that you want to do?

-Um, I don't know.

Like, I never went
really to school.

I need to go to school
at some point.

-Hit it!

[ Salsa music plays ]

-Okay.

I'm liking this.

-[Latin accent] Today, Jack,

I shall teach you...

Well, I shall just teach you.

[ Laughter ]

♪ Down your life,
inside your mind ♪

♪ We shall go ♪

♪ I can teach you,
I can be your maestro ♪

♪ Because you are so smart ♪

♪ No one calls you a fool ♪

♪ You've done pretty damn nicely
for yourself ♪

♪ Even though you never
went to school ♪

♪ Oh, you've been blessed ♪

♪ Since the day that
you were born ♪

♪ You come from a crazy
show-biz family ♪

♪ Last name is Osbourne ♪

♪ I've seen you ♪

♪ You used to get wild
and hang out in the bars ♪

♪ But then you cleaned up,
you got really healthy ♪

♪ And you danced on
"Dancing With the Stars" ♪

♪ Oh, Jack, kindergarten ♪

♪ Teaching you something ♪

♪ First grade,
we can teach you ♪

♪ And then we go up
all the way ♪

♪ To junior high
and then to college ♪

♪ And in your head,
there's a knowledge ♪

♪ You want to go to school ♪

♪ Oh, and learning
can be a bitch ♪

♪ Oh, but I know
just one thing ♪

♪ That you don't need to learn ♪

♪ Because the simple fact
of the matter is ♪

♪ You're rich, so dance ♪

♪ Oh, go ahead and dance ♪

♪ So go ahead and dance ♪

♪ You make more money
than the average teacher does ♪

♪ So you win, go dance ♪

♪ There's some form
of inequality about that ♪

♪ But, hey, that's okay,
just dance ♪

♪ Oh, Jack, to go to school,
you don't need it ♪

♪ Oh, Jack, just dance ♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

This dude can dance.

-He can!

- Thank you, Jack.
- That was awesome, right?

Everybody give it up
for Jack Osbourne!

-He was leading me.

-Awesome.

- Thank you.
- Jack Osbourne, everybody!

He's so good, right?

All right. That was so much fun.

He almost dipped you.

- [ Laughter ]
- Yeah, no.

There was almost a line
where I looked in his eyes,

and it stopped being,
"Oh, hey, hey,

we're two guys horsing around,"
and it was like,

"Oh, he's going to
make love to me."

[ Laughter ]

-All right, we'll see you guys

for more laughs
right after the break.

Don't go anywhere.

-Welcome back to
"Whose Line Is It Anyway?"

Now we come to a game
called "Infomercial."

This is for Ryan and Colin.

Come on down, guys.

In this game, you're going to be
trying to sell our audience

some utterly
useless products, okay?

So here are your items.
You've got them there.

And you guys are
going to be selling a kit

to help people
overcome their phobias.

Take it away.

-Hey, there's a lot of people
out there with a lot of phobias.

- They're scared of everything.
- Oh!

-Oh!

- Oh!
- Oh!

Bones!

[ Laughter ]

We've come up with a kit
that will make you think

of your phobias
in a different way

so fear will go away.

You will scare your fear
to run away.

-Goodbye.

What's that?

-This...

[ Laughter ]

...is...

Here, listen.

A lot of our fears
are just in our head.

-Mine are.

-Yeah.

- Ow!
- Are they now?

-No, it went over there.

-Thank you.

-Uh-oh.

♪ Dun, dun ♪

♪ Dun-dun, dun-dun, dun-dun ♪

♪ I'm done, done ♪

♪ I'm done-done,
done-done, done-done ♪

- Oh!
- Many people have...

-Don't hit me
in the head with that.

-No, I won't.

Many people have fear
of being hit in the genitals.

-Really?

[ Laughter ]

-If you wear this
for three weeks...

Hit as hard as you can.

Nothing.

Nothing.

The more you wear it,
the more confidence you get.

-Oh!

Whoo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo!

Woo-ooo-oo-oo!

-Sometimes you're just
scared of things

that you don't know
what the hell they are.

Uhhh-ga-da-ga-da-ga-da!

-Xenophobia...
The fear of aliens.

-Ga-la-la-la-la!

Sploosh! Ga-la-la-la-la-la-la!

-There's also the fear
of working with idiots.

[ Laughter and applause ]

Sometimes we wish we had
a magic genie.

-Oh, I wish I could pee
in that right now.

[ Laughter and applause ]

-Sometimes it's best
just to ignore the phobia,

and they go away.

Nope, still here.

-Oh, no.

What's happened to my Hula-Hoop?

-That's right.

People fear...
-Oh, no!

-Hula-Hoop dysfunction is one
of the biggest fears of America.

-Oh, no.

-The fear of working
with idiots.

[ Buzzer ]

-Hula-Hoop dysfunction.

-I just... I think I'm going
to give 500 points to Ryan

for what was an adorable attempt
at Hula-Hooping.

[ Laughs ] It was so cute.

- I have no hips.
- No, it's true.

-Slides right down.

-A lot of us would kill
to not have hips, Ryan.

-Stop.

-Ew!

-Now we're going to play a game,

and this game is called
"Irish Drinking Song."

[ Cheers and applause ]

Will all four of you guys
come down

with Laura Hall on the piano?

Now, before you make up
your Irish drinking song,

we need a suggestion
from the audience

for a reason to celebrate.

What is a reason to celebrate?

[ Shouting suggestions ]

Circumcision.

I think that's a reason
to celebrate.

-I was waiting for that.

-I'm hearing from the voices
in my head that we're on

shaky ground with that one,
so let's try again,

and what I would like
from the audience,

a reason to celebrate.

[ Shouting suggestions ]

Pregnancy. Pregnancy.

Pregnancy.

Is that going to be safe enough?

- That wouldn't happen if...
- How do you get pregnant?

I don't know.

-With a circumcised penis.

-Yes.

The stork comes and brings you
a basket of circumcised penises,

and then nine months later,
a baby comes.

- That's how it works.
- It's magic.

All right,
so the suggestion is pregnancy

as a reason to celebrate
and sing an Irish drinking song.

Take it away.

♪♪

-♪ Oh ♪

-♪ Hi... ♪

-I couldn't hear it.

-I can't hear it either.

-Stork is never going to
bring you a basket

of circumcised penises
like that.

All right.

-Please, Mr. Stork.

♪♪

-♪ Oh ♪

♪ Hi-dee-di-dee, di-dee,
di-dee, di-dee, di-dee, di ♪

-♪ Today my life just changed ♪

-♪ I'm giving birth ♪

-♪ The doctor called
this morning ♪

-♪ Even with all this girth ♪

-♪ He said, "You're going
to shoot it out" ♪

-♪ He said, "Here it comes" ♪

-♪ The best day of your life ♪

-♪ Right out of my bum ♪

-♪ Oh, hi-dee-di-dee,
di-dee, di-dee ♪

♪ D-dee, di-dee, di ♪

-♪ I pushed and pushed
and pushed ♪

-♪ The sweat was on my brow ♪

-♪ The baby came
right out there ♪

-♪ He said,
"How you like me now?" ♪

-♪ The doctor said,
"Smack him in the head" ♪

-♪ This beautiful little boy ♪

-♪ I think I'll have another ♪

-♪ My husband might
get annoyed ♪

-♪ Oh, hi-dee-di-dee,
di-dee, di-dee ♪

♪ Di-dee, di-dee, di ♪

-♪ That boy was
the apple of my eye ♪

-♪ I named him after me ♪

-♪ I named him little
Giuseppe III ♪

-♪ And he climbs a tree ♪

-♪ He likes to climb
all day long ♪

-♪ I take him everywhere ♪

-♪ People comment
on his gorgeous looks ♪

-♪ And how he sits in a chair ♪

-♪ Oh, hi-dee-di-dee,
di-dee, di-dee ♪

♪ Di-dee, di-dee, di ♪

-♪ And now he's become a man ♪

-♪ Off into the world ♪

-♪ He's going to meet a woman ♪

-♪ Maybe a lovely girl ♪

-♪ And someday he'll
get married ♪

-♪ And he'll repeat this thing ♪

-♪ He's going to get
a woman knocked up ♪

-♪ He circumcised his wing ♪

-♪ Oh, hi-dee-di-dee,
di-dee, di-dee ♪

-♪ Di-dee, di-dee, di ♪

-♪ Oh, hi-dee-di-dee,
di-dee, di-dee ♪

♪ Di-dee, di-dee ♪

♪ Diiii ♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

-He circumcised his wing.

-Stick with us because we're
going to be back with more.

"Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
right after this!

-Welcome back to
"Whose Line Is It Anyway?"

We're going to keep things
moving with a game

right now
called "Greatest Hits."

This is a game for Colin,
Ryan, and Wayne with the help

of Laura Hall and Linda Taylor,
so come on down, guys.

Ryan and Colin are two
TV voiceover artists

talking about the latest
compilation album,

and Wayne is going to be
singing snippets of the songs,

but I need a suggestion
from the audience here.

So give me a type of vacation
that one might take.

[ Shouting suggestions ]

So many good ones.

Cruise. Okay, great.

Cruise. That's a great idea.

All right.

So the name of your album
is "Songs of Cruising."

Take it away.

-We'll be right back
to our documentary

on a security guard that works
at a brassiere factory,

"The Booby Guard,"
in just a second.

Ryan, Ryan.

- Huh?
- Why are you sleeping?

-I'm sorry.

I fell asleep at the beginning
of that joke.

-You okay?

-Yeah, I guess
I need a bit of a break.

-Boy, maybe you should
go on a cruise.

-A vacation for me?

-Yes.

You work almost
three hours a day.

-You know, we compiled 67 songs
all about the cruise on one CD.

-That's absolutely right.

Hey, if I told you
our first artist was named.

Onika Tanya Maraj,

you probably
wouldn't say anything.

- I'd call [bleep].
- No.

But if I told you
her stage name, Nicki Minaj...

- Oh, Nicki Minaj.
- That's right.

-Do I see her or don't see her?

What is she? Is she a...

- No, you're thinking a mirage.
- Oh.

-So let's hear this great
Nicki Minaj hit...

"Time for Shuffleboard."

[ Pop music plays ]

-Yeah!

♪♪

-♪ Now, what do I do
on the deck ♪

♪ When I'm here with
a nice shirt on my neck? ♪

♪ And I'm just looking at you,
oh, my Lord ♪

♪ I'll grab this stick
to shuffleboard ♪

♪ All I want to do
because I'm bored ♪

♪ I hang out
with the elderly old ♪

♪ And I want to do this
'cause that's my goal ♪

♪ I pray to the Lord
it's shuffleboard ♪

♪ What do we do
when we do like that? ♪

♪ When I get that,
when I get like that ♪

♪ All I want to do is slide
on the ground ♪

♪ 'Cause it's all slippery,
I hit it down ♪

♪ I don't know how to play,
how do I do this? ♪

♪ And, oops, I hit it,
and I guess that it missed ♪

♪ And you do that,
you're out of your gourd ♪

♪ You hit with a thing
in a shuffle-y board ♪

♪ You shuffle and you do it,
you do what you're told ♪

♪ You don't do it
if you're young ♪

♪ Do when you're old ♪

♪ Shuffleboard ♪

Black Barbie.

-Wow.

[ Cheers and applause ]

-I don't know half
of what I'm saying.

-That Nicki Minaj
has a sexy voice.

-Yeah.

-You know, there's only
one kind of music I listen to.

-Oh. Okay.

-I must have hundreds
of ragtime albums.

-Oh, right.

It's nice to hear
the music of your youth.

-Yes, it...

You know,
when I think ragtime hits

and I think cruise, you know,
one comes to mind.

At the top of the charts
for over 15 weeks straight,

that cruising ragtime hit,
"42 Sickened."

[ Laughter ]

[ Upbeat music plays ]

♪♪

-♪ Oh, what do you get ♪

♪ And what do you say ♪

♪ When you look at the spread
at the buffet? ♪

♪ You sit down,
all this food is for me ♪

♪ It's free ♪

♪ Eat some pork ♪

♪ You eat some shrimp ♪

♪ About five hours later ♪

♪ You're walking with a limp ♪

♪ Oh, what is this? ♪

♪ Tsk, tsk ♪

♪ 42 sick ♪

♪ Soo-ba-doo-doo ♪

♪ Bleh ♪

♪ Over the side of the sea ♪

♪ When the boat goes rockin' ♪

♪ You better come knockin' ♪

♪ Hold on,
this comes out of me ♪

♪ When I hear the ♪

♪ Bleh ♪

♪ Of the bluebird ♪

♪ Is sitting there on the ship ♪

♪ And you better be careful ♪

♪ 'Cause it's 42 sick ♪

♪ And I know it's your life
right now ♪

♪ It's 42 si-ugh-ah-oh ♪

♪ Bleh ♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

-I love this.

What's that?

What is that?

What's this? What's that?

And what's...
Ooh, oh, what is that?

- Abdominal cramps?
- Yes, a little bit.

-Yeah.

-I'm talking about
belly dancing.

- Oh, of course.
- Yes.

The music style
of belly dancing.

And, you know, when I think of
all those belly-dancing hits...

-What's the one
that pops into mind?

-The one that pops into mind?

"Husband Overboard."

[ Laughter ]

[ Indian music plays ]

[ Cheering ]

♪♪

-♪ Before we came
on this cruise ♪

♪ I took out
an insurance policy ♪

♪ Ah, you're the man
I wanted to lose ♪

♪ So I said, "Look at that" ♪

♪ And kicked your ass
in the sea ♪

♪ Husband overboard ♪

♪ Husband overboard ♪

♪ Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye ♪

♪ Husband overboard ♪

♪ Nobody can jump on him ♪

♪ No one can save him ♪

♪ Oh, bye, bye, bye, bye,
husband ♪

♪ See you later, Jim ♪

♪ Oh, insurance policy,
husband overboard ♪

♪ I'm so happy,
thank you to the Lord ♪

♪ All that money
here in my pants ♪

♪ Look at my belly
and that's how I dance ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ I got a husband over ♪

♪ Board ♪

♪ You should have gone
to the YMCA ♪

♪ To learn how to swim ♪

♪ Now I'm laughing, ha, at him ♪

♪ Husband overboard ♪

♪ Husband overboard ♪

Help!

Help! Help him.

Help him.

[ Buzzer ] Help him.

-Find out who the winner is
right after this break.

See you in a minute.

-Welcome back to
"Whose Line Is It Anyway?"

That is the end of our show.

Tonight's winners are
Ryan Stiles and Colin Mochrie,

and I'd like you
to read out the credits

as two panicky hypochondriacs
in a doctor's waiting room

talking about all the ailments
that they have,

which should feel
familiar to you both.

Thanks for watching. Good night.

-I think I have
Dan Patterson-itis.

I'm afraid of German things.

-Oh, oh, I just passed a stone.

- Oh.
- That's not right.

-It's the size of Wayne Brady.

-Look at it.

-I'm going to keep it if it's
the size of Wayne Brady.

-Oh, look, they're coughing.

I might catch Fiona Friel.

- Are you circumcised?
- Yeah.

-I am, too.

You know, so is Nyima Funk.

- Really?
- Yeah, that's odd, isn't it?

- Well, that's why I got it.
- I read it in a magazine.

-I got circumcised twice.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- First one didn't take?
- Nope.

- I've had that.
- Oh, my God.

- So has Robin.
- Oh, I've got mucus.

-Oh, no.

[ Cheers and applause ]