Whose Line Is It Anyway? (2013–…): Season 12, Episode 6 - Rachel Bloom 2 - full transcript

-Good.

-Good evening,

-Good evening, everybody,

and welcome
to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"

On tonight's show...
Making the world a better place,

Wayne Brady.

Making it happen, Jeff Davis.

Making out his will,
Colin Mochrie.

And making whoopee,
it's Ryan Stiles.

And I'm Aisha Tyler.

Let's make some stuff up!



[ Cheers and applause ]

Welcome, my friends,
to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"

The show where everything's made
up and the points do not matter.

We've got a sensational show
for you tonight,

and we're gonna start
right this minute

with a game entitled
"Weird Newscaster."

This is for all four of our
performers, so come on down.

In this game, Colin is
the anchor of a new program.

Jeff, Ryan, and Wayne
are his co-anchors,

each of whom is
a rather odd character.

Jeff is the co-anchor
who was Colin's drunken bride,

embarrassing him
on their wedding day.

Wayne is the sportscaster

who's also an aggressive
fitness instructor



leading the entire audience
in a class.

And Ryan is the weather
forecaster who's also

experiencing every
natural disaster in 30 seconds.

Whenever you're ready,
take it away.

[ Dramatic music plays ]

- Welcome to the 6:00 news.
- I'm barely conscious.

Our top story... a butcher who
backed up into a meat grinder

was fired today for getting
a little behind in his work.

[ Laughter ]

-Hi, Col.

Oh, my God. I love you so much.

I love you so mu-u-u-ch.
[ Laughter ]

Oh, my God. I love you...

I love Colin so much,
you guy-y-y-ys.

I love him so much, even though
he's got the littlest wee-wee.

Tiny. Got a tiny... [ Laughter ]

...tiny little wee-wee!

I... [ Gagging ]

[ Snoring ]

Back to you, Colin.

-Let's see what's happening
in the world of sports.

-[German accent] None of you
should watch sports.

You're just watching sports.
You're all so lazy.

You sit on your behinds
watching sports.

You are sitting.
Everyone get up!

Get up! Get up now!

All of you! All of you!

Now march! March in place!

Oh, you're laughing at me.
I'm funny. Look at that.

Ha ha. No laughing at me!

You. You. The one in orange.

[ Laughter ]
One, two, three, five, nine.

You! Come! Come! Come with me!

Yes! Come with me!
You can be healthy!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Come with me!

Now! You Now you do that, huh?

Do you feel it? That is great.

- Now, are you strong?
- Mm-hmm.

-Catch me.

Oh!

[ Cheers and applause ]

You can go now.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Sit!

Sit!

Back to you.

-I want a divorce.

I'm a lesbian! [ Sobs ]

[ Laughter ]

- Me too.
- [ Laughter ]

Now let's see what's happening
with weather.

-Well, Col, I don't know what's
gonna happen to the... Oh.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God. The Earth!
The Earth!

[ Laughter and applause ]

The winds!
The winds are picking up!

The winds are picking up!

[ Breathing heavily ]

Oh, no! Oh, look out! The winds!

- Oh!
- Oh, the winds!

- Oh!
- Oh! Oh!

I'm okay. I'm all right.

It looks like it's a-a...
tsunami!

[ Laughter ] Oh, thank God!

Oh, thank God that missed.

I don't know if it's natural
or not, but... quicksand!

[ Laughter and applause ]

Tsunami!

[ Laughter and applause ]

- And that was the 6:00 news.
- Good night and good news.

[ Dramatic music plays, buzzer ]
[ Cheers and applause ]

- That was delightful.
- And very confusing.

-I really wanted to throw it
in my face,

but then we would've had to
break for an hour.

-You know you can't be throwing
water on no Black woman.

That would've really been
a natural disaster.

- Do you melt or what happens?
- [ Laughter ]

-I just get super ethnic.

Oh, no, you did not get water
in my hair!

[ Laughter and applause ]

My friends, we're gonna play
a game entitled "Dubbing."

This is a game for Wayne, Ryan,
and Colin, so come on down.

This game will also involve our
special guest,

so please give it up
for the Gold Globe-winning star

of the hit show
"Crazy Ex-Girlfriend,"

the incredible Rachel Bloom!
[ Cheers and applause ]

-Hi, Rachel.

-Hi! Great to see you!

-The way this game works

is Ryan and Wayne are gonna
act out a scene with Rachel,

but she won't actually use
her own voice.

Her lines are gonna be provided
by Colin.

So, Rachel, you're
just gonna move your lips

when Colin's talking
and try to make it make sense.

It won't. And here's the scene.

Ryan, you are a 1940s gangster

hitting on raunchy nightclub
singer and dancer Rachel,

when suddenly Ryan's
jealous showgirl fiancée, Wayne,

bursts in.

Take it away.

-Candy, when are
you gonna be done?

I've got the car outside,
and I'm ready to go.

- Say, aren't you fresh?
- You're kind of fresh.

You're kind of fresh.

You don't impress me
with your big talks

and your spats and your hat
and your fedora.

-Have you been talking to Jimmy
again? Jimmy been bothering you?

I'll beat him into a meat pie
and cover him with...

I'll cover him with a... I'm
gonna beat him into a meat pie.

- [ Laughter ]
- Aw, you're an idiot!

I've got to go on for my set.

I have a big song coming up
in three minutes.

-Well, you better put
some clothes on, I suppose.

- I don't need clothes!
- I'm the raunchy... canary.

♪ I love the way
you look at me-e-e, ah ♪

-I ain't buying the bird act,
you see?

-Where do you think you're going
with the raunchy canary?

- Latrice.
- That's right.

You thought you could go out
the back with this!

- What do you mean, "this"?
- With all this.

I mean, they are beautiful.
Good job on those.

-Oh, thank you very much.

So, is this your mannish
fiancée?

[ Laughter ]

-Yeah. Yeah, that's her/him.

Yeah. We're... We're over, baby.

We're not together anymore.
It's just you and me. Yeah.

Just you and me
is what I'm sayin'.

-It's a shame
to hear you say that...

- because I gots to kill you.
- Oh, no. No!

Listen. Listen.

Obviously you love him.

-Where the hell are you going?

- I'm hiding behind you.
- You're a bigger target than me.

- Put the gun down, Latrice.
- You don't want to do this.

You don't want to do this.
Just put the gun... Oh!

- Oh, my God!
- You stabbed him with the gun!

- [ Laughter ]
- I know!

I know! It didn't even go off!
Bang.

- Oh! God.
- You shot me in my stab wound.

[ Laughter ]

-You know what, though?

This is inspiring me
to a torch song

that has never been sung before.

- Would you join me in it?
- I would be honored.

-Let me crawl over there
and get some singles out.

- Bang.
- [ Grunts ]

[ Laughter ]

-♪ The man ♪

♪ That you love ♪

-♪ That you love ♪

-♪ Is bleeding on the floor ♪

- You kids are great!
- You kids are great!

Look, we're gonna join up
and we're gonna form a duo.

- Bang.
- Oh, God!

Latrice.

- Let me shoot him!
- What the hell?

- Bang, bang, bang!
- Bang, bang, bang!

Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang,
bang, bang, bang, bang!

-I think this is
the brave new world

where two girls like us
can go out on our own.

- [ Grunts ]
- Oh, geez.

-What the...

[ Laughter ]

[ Buzzer ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

-Rachel Bloom, everybody!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Stick around.

We've got more "Whose Line"
right after these messages.

Stay tuned!

[ Cheers and applause ]

-Welcome back
to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"

And we are gonna
keep the fun going now

with a game entitled
"Party Quirks."

In this game,
Jeff is hosting a party,

and Wayne, Colin, and Ryan
are his guests.

But each of them have
a strange quirk or identity.

What Jeff's gonna have to do
is guess what those quirks are.

Wayne, Colin, and Ryan, line up
over there when you're ready.

I'll bring you in one at a time
with a doorbell.

And whenever you're ready, Jeff,
start that party.

- It's gonna be so good.
- [ Exhales deeply ] I'm so drunk!

So drunk already.
[ Doorbell rings ]

Hey!

- Hey! Good to see you!
- Good to see you!

Look at you.
You got your white folks here.

You got some Black folks here.

You've got some Asian people
here.

[ Laughter ] [ Doorbell rings ]

I'm a blonde. Look at these.

[ Laughter ]

[ Doorbell rings ]

- Would you like some chips?
- Yep.

[ Laughter ] [ Doorbell rings ]

-Hello!

-[ Meows ]

-Oh, look at you, little guy.

Oh, did you get lost
on the way to the...

-[ Meows ]

[ Slurps, gags ]

[ Laughter ]

- [ Doorbell rings ]
- Wait.

The... The door is open.

-[ Imitates engine revving,
meows ]

Bkkh! Kchh!

[ Laughter ]

-The [bleep] is on fire.

[ Doorbell rings ]
[ Laughter and applause ]

-[ Meowing ]

[ Panting, gulps ]

-First time I've ever seen one
do it to itself.

Whoop!

- Kitty, get out of the pool.
- Get out of the pool.

Go over and have
some refreshments over there.

[ Doorbell rings ]

- Yeah.
- Hi. I got a call.

I heard there was something
in your pool.

-Well, there was a dead animal
there a moment ago.

-Maybe I should go clean it.

- [ Laughter ]
- You'd better be...

[ Doorbell rings ]

- Yeah.
- Hi.

My car broke down about
a block away, and it's raining.

Could I borrow a towel?
[ Laughter ]

- [ Doorbell rings ]
- Yes?

-Look like we're gonna be
sharing a cell together.

[ Laughter and applause ]

-It's obviously
not your first time.

- Hey, listen.
- I've had enough of you.

You're one
of those offensive comics

that keeps getting the hook for
being so offensive and racist.

- Yeah!
- [ Buzzer ]

Very nice. Very nice.
[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Imitating motor buzzing,
meowing ]

-No! Kitty cat! Kitty cat! No!

Kitty cat, don't you see
that you keep killing yourself

in all sorts of different ways,
you little poor cat?

- Kind of.
- Kind of?

-What do cats have?

-You're using
all your nine lives!

- Yeah!
- [ Cheers and applause ]

-I see all your guests
have left.

The baby's asleep.

I guess I could get paid now,
Mr. Finch.

-Look, I know what
your suggestion was,

but I'm not gonna guess.

[ Laughter ]

You're one of those people
that keeps coming into my house

as various cliched porn stars,
aren't you?

- Yeah! I will take it!
- [ Cheers and applause ]

I will take that!

That was very well done.

-That was a hard one for me
to come up with that stuff.

- Yeah.
- [ Laughter ]

Never seen an adult movie, huh?

-Or been in one.

[ Laughter and applause ]

-Now we're gonna move on
to a game that is entitled.

"Scenes From a Hat."

This is for all four
of our performers.

Ryan's over there.
Wayne's over here.

We asked our brilliant audience
to write down some scenes

they'd like to see acted out
by our gentleman performers,

and I've got them in this hat.

Gentlemen, if you are ready,
here we go.

"Weird ways for Aisha
to open the show."

[ Laughter ]

-Welcome to
"Whose Line Is It Anyway?"

[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Buzzer ]

-[ Imitating Wookiee cry ]

[ Laughter and applause ]

[ Imitating blaster firing ]

[ Imitating Wookiee cry ]

- Aisha, you're on.
- [ Grunts ]

[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Buzzer ]

-[ Laughing ]

-How long do I have
till I go on?

-Five minutes.

- You can't see my [bleep]
- can you?

[ Laughter and applause ]

- What the hell?
- What?

-What the... Come on!

- I just talked to the producers.
- We can see your [bleep]

-See my [bleep]

[ Laughter and applause ]

-Go out here,

mess around with these jackasses
for one more night.

[ Laughter and applause ]

Let's have some fun!

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Buzzer ]

- Let's get off of Aisha now.
- Okay.

[ Laughter ]

-"If the musical
'Les Miserables'

had been about embarrassing
personal problems."

[ Laughter ]

-♪ The drips, the drips ♪

♪ Of my incontinence ♪

♪ The drips, the drips ♪

♪ Of my incontinence ♪

♪ I can't, I must, I go,
I can't, I will ♪

♪ I want to know ♪

♪ But I cannot ♪

♪ Oh, I did in my pants ♪

[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Buzzer ]

-♪ This flag is the only thing
that I can get up ♪

[ Laughter ] [ Buzzer ]

-"Things you should never do
while driving."

-♪ Incontinence, incontinence ♪

♪ Do you feel it as I drip? ♪

♪ And I drip, drip ♪

I can... Click!
[ Imitates motor whirring ]

♪ Incontinence! ♪

[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Buzzer ]

-"Inappropriate times
to do an evil laugh."

[ Laughter ]

-[ Laughing evilly ]

Your driver's license photo
is ready.

[ Laughter and applause ]

[ Buzzer ]

-[ Laughing evilly ]

[ Laughter and applause ]

[ Laughing evilly ]

[ Buzzer ]
[ Cheers and applause ]

-Hey, don't go.

There's more "Whose Line"
after this break.

Stay where you are.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Welcome back
to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"

Where everything's made up
and the points don't matter.

And now we're gonna play a game
entitled "Greatest Hits."

This is a game for all four
of our performers,

with Laura Hall and Linda Taylor
on piano and guitar.

Here's the way this game works.

Ryan and Colin are two
television voice-over performers

talking about the latest
compilation album.

Wayne and Jeff
are gonna sing snippets

of the songs on that album.

I need a suggestion
from our audience here.

Give me the place you'd go
to improve your appearance.

Where's a place you go
when you want to look better?

[ Shouting suggestions ]

Okay. All right.
Lots of good stuff.

We're gonna go with
beauty salon.

- Wow.
- So the name of your album

is entitled
"Songs of the Beauty Salon."

- Take it away.
- Let me guess.

You don't remember
what day it is.

-W-What do you mean?

-It's 30 years since we sold
our first CD set.

- Oh, nice.
- It's our 30th anniversary.

- I got you something.
- Oh. Me too.

-This is what I just gave you.

-Yes, I know.

-I knew you were gonna do that.

That's why I got it for myself.

It's a nose ring.

[ Laughter ]

-I'm surprised you found one
that size.

-I just want to look better.

I just want to look better.
That's all.

-Oh. Well, everyone does.

That's why they go
to the beauty salon.

- Salon? I thought it was saloon.
- No, that's different.

[ Laughter ]

-[ Clicking tongue ]

-What's that, a rabbit?

-It's a crazy rat...
Like a lab rat!

[ Laughter ]

I'm thinking Rat Pack!

- I'm not arguing.
- Did you know the Rat Pack?

-I know the Rat Pack!

-Six of the greatest singers
ever to get together.

-Name four of them.

- Sammy Davis Jr.
- Yeah.

- Dean Martin.
- Yeah.

- Lou Costello.
- Really?

- Samantha Eggar.
- Wrong.

-And Dean Williams.

-I'll give you points
for saying Samantha Eggar.

- Thank you. And...
- Not been mentioned since 1973.

-Oh, but they all sing
in harmony and sound great

on this Rat Pack hit,
"Hot Rocks."

[ Up-tempo introduction plays ]

-Hey, Deano.

- [ Slurring ]
- All right, all right.

Who's ringin' little bell?
A little drink of water.

Hey, Sammy,
how you doing over there?

[ Nasally ]
I'm ready to go, man.

[ Laughter ]

[ Music continues ]

♪ Skoo-da-doo-da-doo ♪

♪ Scoop-doo-doodle-dee-doo-
doo-wah ♪

-♪ What makes your skin feel
so much better? ♪

♪ What makes it feel better,
better? ♪

-♪ Oh, reverses time and aging ♪

♪ So you don't feel
like you're leather ♪

♪ Because right from your hair
to your socks, brother ♪

♪ Tss... hot rocks, ooh ♪

- ♪ First you find the stone ♪
- ♪ Ooh ♪

- ♪ Ooh ♪
- ♪ Then you get it hot ♪

-♪ Ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh ♪

- ♪ Then you put it on a place ♪
- ♪ Ooh-ooh ♪

- ♪ Maybe a real sore spot ♪
- ♪ Ooh-ee-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Baby, you know it rocks ♪

♪ Hot rocks, hot rocks,
hot rocks, hot rocks ♪

♪ Because you need hot rocks
on your body ♪

♪ Your body would feel so good,
buddy ♪

♪ Hot rocks ♪

- ♪ Baby, roll that stone ♪
- ♪ Hot rocks ♪

-♪ I don't want to be sore
all alone ♪

-♪ They're hot for rocks ♪

-♪ Oh, baby,
it's no time for talk ♪

- ♪ Oh, hot rocks ♪
- [ Music slows ]

- ♪ Hot rocks ♪
- ♪ Hot rocks ♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

They're the hottest, kid.
They're the hottest.

[ Cheers and applause ]

-Look how blue your shirt is.

No, not the blues.
Bluegrass rap!

Oh, you didn't see that coming.

That went right around your head
and in your ear.

[ Laughter ]

Bluegrass rap.

-Thirty years was a good run.

- Yeah.
- It was a really good run.

[ Laughter ]

So sit back.

Enjoy this wonderful
bluegrass rap,

"Expensive Lotions and Creams."

[ Mid-tempo beat plays,
banjo playing ]

- One, two, one, two.
- Aw, yeah.

Aw, yeah.

[ Laughter ]

- Here I go.
- Take it, Jess.

♪ Y'all been talkin' about me ♪

♪ And I know that y'all
can't match me ♪

♪ Sometimes I walk outside ♪

♪ My skin might get
a little ashy ♪

♪ You don't understand
exactly how it can be ♪

♪ Know what I mean ♪

♪ But all you got to do is get
those expensive lotions ♪

♪ And them creams ♪

♪ I slather it ♪

♪ I slather it all over
on my body ♪

♪ Just look at all these lotions
and the cream my buddy got me ♪

♪ I put it on, I put it on,
a smile up on my face ♪

♪ In elbows, arms, cracks,
and my other shiny places ♪

-♪ Yeah, expensive lotions
and creams ♪

♪ You got the cash ♪

♪ Yo, baby girl, come here ♪

♪ I got a crazy rash ♪

♪ If you got lovin',
you put it on my ass ♪

♪ Expensive lotions and cream ♪

♪ Now if I gave you this bill ♪

♪ Maybe you might want to take
half ♪

♪ I'm talkin' about them creams
and lotions ♪

♪ Not talkin' about ourself ♪

♪ No, it might be the bomb,
but it really ain't no balm ♪

♪ But I might take
these lotions south ♪

♪ and right onto your mom ♪

- ♪ Expensive lotions ♪
- ♪ Lotions ♪

- ♪ And creams ♪
- ♪ And creams ♪

- ♪ Expensive lotions ♪
- ♪ Expensive lotions ♪

- ♪ And them creams ♪
- ♪ Look at that cream ♪

[ Music ends ]
[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Buzzer ]

-Find out who won our show
after this short break.

I'll tell you
in just a few minutes.

Stick around.

[ Cheers and applause ]

-Welcome back
to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"

That's our show.

Tonight, all four of you
have won the day.

So I'd like for you to read out
the credits with our star guest,

Rachel Bloom, in this fashion.

Rachel, you are dumping
all of your boyfriends,

played by these guys.

Thanks for watching, everybody.
Good night.

[ Up-tempo music plays ]
[ Cheers and applause ]

-Um, so, listen, guys.

This...
This isn't really working out.

-Babe, you're so tense.

-You've got a hundred other
like me!

-Is it because Jed Leventhall?

-Listen, I've... I've fallen
in love with Ewan Phillips.

- We all know where you live.
- I miss you.

- I miss you so much.
- I know, but... but...

- Is it in the Valley?
- Look. I made you this.

- Listen, guys.
- Guys...

- You know it's in the Valley.
- ...she's with me now.

- We're together.
- Oh!

- Sorry!
- Wow.

- Oh, no!
- Wow.

- Oh! Larry Hagman!
- [ Cheers and applause ]

[ Music ends ]

[ Cheers and applause ]