White Gold (2017–…): Season 2, Episode 6 - Episode #2.6 - full transcript

Maureen?

Nigel?

FAINT BANGING

MAN GROANS

MAN GROANS FORCEFULLY

Hello?

MATTRESS CREAKS AND GROANS

SHRIEKING AND SCREAMS

Fucking hell, Brian!

Ronnie?!
Brian, I'm glad it's you.

Look, I wanted you
to hear this from me first.



I'm seeing Maureen.

Oh!

Well, that's really decent of you,
RJ.

I mean, your dick is barely
out of my wife, but I appreciate

you being straight with me.

Fucking hell!

Get out before I call the police,
you dirty little pervert.

I wasn't perving.

I thought you were out walking
Nigel. Usually, I can't get anywhere

near the house with the Hound
of Hell on the prowl.

I had to give him a Valium earlier
because he's taken a dislike to RJ.

Why couldn't you sedate him all
those times he was terrorising me?

Because I didn't want him
getting addicted to drugs!

Besides, it's funny -
and I hate you.



Close the door on your way
out, you pervert.

Oh, Brian?

Is it all right if I get
a lift to work tomorrow?

Mum!

At least someone's pleased to see
me. How was your day, sweetheart?

Good. I got my 11 Plus results back.

So, how did you do?

Failed, not even close.

Rob, it's nothing
to be pleased about.

It is! Now I don't have to go
to Gaylord Grammar School.

What?
Get in the fucking car.

Oh, Sally, leave Mr Lavender alone.

Oh, call me Martin, please.
It's OK.

She likes the smell
of the anaesthetic cream.

What happened to your feet?

Oh, second-degree sunburn.
Yeah.

Mad dogs and Englishmen, eh?

Sorry?
Er, go out in the midday sun.

Sensible people, however,
can enjoy sunshine any time

through one of our UV protected,
double glazed conservatories.

I think I should put
Sally out in the kitchen.

Oh honestly, it's not a problem.
I love dogs.

Argh!

UHHH!

Oh!

Oh!

Linda.

Linda.

Linda! Hello? It's me, Sam.

Oh, hi, Sam. Sorry.

Completely in a world
of my own, there.

Yeah, I know that feeling.
Is Patricia celebrating something?

Oh, this? It's for the Live Aid
party tomorrow.

Well, you've got enough bunting
there for a street party.

Oh, yeah, well,
it's practically the whole street.

Sorry, you don't know about it,
do you? No, don't be daft.

I've, er, been in Malta for the
past week, so she's probably not had

a chance to tell us about it. Yeah.

I'd better dash, I must get this
cheesecake in the fridge.

Patricia can't stand
a soggy biscuit bottom.

Well, you'd better get your
soggy bottom to Patricia's, then.

Yeah, I'll see you.

I know he's dead.

How convenient.

Hey, come on.

I'm not going to let you think
like that.

You've got to stay positive, yeah?

Look, here.

Head down the Horse,
get us a couple of pints in.

I'll be right behind you.

I just need to have a quick
word with the boss.

Thanks, Brian.

I don't know what I would've done
without you this last week.

All right.

And Maureen, obviously.

But that's mainly on
the physical side of things.

All right, yeah.

Walshy, just to let you know,
I'm going off to fire RJ.

Blimey, talk about kicking
a man when he's down!

Is this about Maureen?

No, no. God, no.

No, he deserves a medal
for taking on that lunatic.

No, this is purely
a business decision.

Now that his old man's brown bread,
we don't have to worry

about any repercussions for sacking
that fucking liability.

So you really think Ronnie's dead?

About as dead as
RJ's career in sales.

Well, well. This could be the best
news I've had in ages.

Do me a favour, hold fire on
sacking RJ, will you?

Oh, what? Come on!

You've seen him in action.

Yesterday, he told a couple
in harrowing fucking detail

how their toddler could be baked
alive in one of our conservatories.

I don't fucking care. He stays.

What's Live Aid?

You really don't know
what Live Aid is? No.

Would it help me sell
more windows if I did?

You are unbelievable, Vincent.

You know what? I'm just trying
to figure out why you think

it's MY fault Pat's got a bug up
her arse.

It's not a bug. It's a bloody
leaking conservatory,

which you put there.

Anyway, I'm more pissed off
with Robbie at the moment

for blowing his 11 Plus.

Which is why starting a new life
in Spain is exactly the right thing

for us, baby.
Are you bloody joking?

It's a big opportunity, Sam.

You said yourself, what's there
to miss about this place?

I can't just take
the kids out of school.

Nat's got her O-levels coming up,
and Robbie deliberately

failed his 11 Plus by so much,
he's probably going to be

reclassified as
special fucking needs.

Calm down, baby, all right?

There's bound to be good
schools in Marbella. Really?

I'll tell you what's bound to be.

You're bound to screw over
and alienate everyone we meet

in Spain, just like you have here.

And as always, muggins here will be
left picking up the pieces.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Sorry to interrupt.

Martin was rushed into
Basildon Hospital this morning.

Huh! Never apologise for bringing
good news, Carol.

When are you going
to grow up, Vincent?

Yeah, all right, I'll call you back.

Oh, hiya, Sam.

Have you heard about Martin?

You must be worried sick.
I know you two are close.

Robbie, darling,
go and get in the car.

You listen to me, Jo.

I don't know why you never had kids.

Either you're an ambitious cunt,
or a barren one.

But don't ever underestimate
how protective a mother

can be when she finds
her family threatened.

What?
Oh, you heard.

KNOCK AT DOOR

She knows about us.

I can assure you, if Sam knew
about us, there'd be no us.

What's got you so jumpy?

Doesn't matter.

What did you want to see me about?

Run away with me to Spain.

Ha! Well, shall we at least get
married in Gretna Green first,

my love? I'm not joking.

Well, it sounds wonderful,
but aren't you forgetting one thing?

It starts with Sam,
ends in your children.

I've been going through the motions
with Sam for the last year.

Malta was the final nail
in the coffin.

Why stay here and slug it out
in front of my kids,

when I could be in Marbella,
waking up next to your beautiful,

tanned body every morning?

Well, you might be ready for
early retirement, Vincent,

but I'm just getting started.
No-one mentioned retirement.

What's this?

I've been headhunted by some big
time-share players.

The money they're chucking
about makes the returns in

double glazing look like
loose change.

We're talking five figure bonuses.

Shit, you're serious?

Yes, and they would bite my fucking
arm off if I brought someone

with your sales credentials
along for the ride.

Come on, baby.

We'd be the king and queen of
time-share.

What d'you think?

King and queen of time-share?

Well, seeing as this is probably
my last chance of marrying

into royalty, I could be persuaded.

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh! Sam, you're back.

Look, Pat, I'm here because
Robbie failed his 11 Plus.

And I'm bloody mortified
to have to do this,

but you did say there could be
other avenues to explore.

Hm, yes, I remember.

Unfortunately, those avenues
have now turned into a cul-de-sac.

A cul-de-sac where the Swans
are no longer welcome.

So, if that's everything, Sam,
goodbye.

It's all moving so fast.

Dad's disappearance.

Falling in love with Maureen.

You love her?

It's moved beyond just
physical lust into something

I can only describe as...

..deeply spiritual.

She's my soulmate.

I mean, the sex hasn't slowed up.

If anything, it's getting dirtier.

The other day, she managed
to get her big toe into my arseh...

Whoa! All right, listen,
while I'm delighted for you two

lovebirds, we are still married.

So...

..boundaries, yeah?

She asked me to move in
the other day, but I told her no.

Cos you were worried
what I might do?

No, I'm not
worried about YOU at all.

Yeah...

Now, if we can just pretend
for a second that my feelings aren't

irrelevant, I think
it's a great idea.

You know, it's about time
I moved out the shed.

The only problem is, if I leave,
I'm still on the hook for half

the mortgage, so if you moved in
and paid rent, problem solved!

Well, it might be a cosy
solution to your problems,

Brian, but it doesn't
solve mine, does it?

No, I think it's better
if I cool things with Maureen

for the time being. What?

No, no, no. Well...

Look, listen.

I know this business
with your dad is upsetting.

It's not Dad,
it's the fucking hound.

Nigel?

He creeps the shit out of me.

Have you seen that look in its eyes?

Come on!

You can't throw away everything
that you and Maureen

have over a dog.

Now, look, I'm guessing that if
the dog was out of the picture,

then you'd be game on to move in,
right? Yeah.

But she's never
getting rid of Nigel.

She doesn't have to.

People lose things that they care
about all the time.

I'm not killing Satan
in canine form, Brian.

No-one's mentioned killing.

No, this is more of a...

..a relocation programme.

Now, how did you get it to take that
Valium the other day?

KNOCK AT DOOR

Sam.

The opportunity of seeing me
in agony too good to pass up?

Well, walking away from everything
isn't going terribly well, is it?

I'm so sorry about
what happened in Malta.

I...

I had no business
bringing my crap out there.

I agree.
How's the feet?

Oh!
Er, they're basically fucked.

It's fine, though, because
as long as I don't walk

on them, or wear shoes, or
touch them, then there's no pain.

Well, if it makes you feel
any better, I almost feel

sorry for you.

That can't be why
you're here, though. No.

Did you mean it,
what you said in Malta?

Yeah.

Yeah, every word.

I want to spend the rest
of my life with you, Sam.

Right, well...

You know what that means, yeah?

Me, the kids, a fresh start,
our entire lives upside down.

Yeah.
Yeah, whatever it took, Sam.

I lost you once
and if I had the chance,

I would never make
that mistake again.

At least if you're in a wheelchair
and you change your mind,

you can't run away.

Uh!

Ahh, fuck!

I'm sorry!
Fuck!

It's all right.