What's the Bet? (1993–2008): Season 0, Episode 0 - Episode dated 13 December 1996 - full transcript
[BEEP]
[BEEP]
You're probably wondering
why I'm buying so many bananas.
[BEEP]
There's- there's a game called
Kingdom Scrolls,
and there's a section in that game
called the Endless Maze,
and I'm attempting to become
the first person, ever
to complete it entirely on...
..bananas. Correct.
[BEEP]
I know. Sure. Lots of questions.
Basically, I attach
an earthing cable to myself.
And whenever I touch the fruit,
it sends a signal to the keyboard.
Bunches on the left cover directions.
Bunches on the right,
attacks, spells and defence. [BEEP]
"Now, why would you do that?" -
you might ask yourself, and quite rightly.
And to that I would say, because
someone on a forum I sometimes read
said that I probably... couldn't... do it.
[BEEP]
"But, Nicky, why would you book
five days' annual leave
"just to prove a point
to someone you've never actually met?"
And to that I would say,
because I am spiteful,
lonely...
and pathetic.
And with that...
And with that... Oh.
And with that...
he took his bananas and never did
darken her checkout again.
Adieu, milady.
[LAUGHTER]
Oh, Meg! You're...
- not in your room.
- Well observed, Alison.
Spilled some yoghurt drink
on my swivel chair.
I'm just waiting
for it to dry.
No, obviously.
Tried drying it with a hair dryer.
Now my whole room just
smells like hot raspberries.
So this is Simon.
He's in the orchestra.
Easy, Simon.
Tell him what you do, Meg,
on the computer.
- I'm a hunchback.
- She's a hunchback.
Ah.
She's trying to save the Ninth
Kingdom from the Hive Mother.
Right.
You probably have an
image of it being a bit...
But to her, it's real.
- Hmm.
- It's like having a life, in a way,
because we've been out,
but YOU'VE been out as well,
haven't you, Meg?
Yeah, that's right, Alison.
And who's to say
which one's more real?
Cos we might all
end up like Meg one day -
blobs on a futon,
attached to a computer.
It's coming.
It will happen.
- So any plans for Valentine's Day?
- Yup.
I'm just gonna sit here
and wait for the yoghurt to dry
on my swivel chair.
Meg, we were gonna
cook something together.
Don't mind me. I'm not even here.
The vessel's empty.
Physically I'm here, but mentally
I'm somewhere else.
- Right.
Could you be mentally somewhere else
but also physically somewhere else?
I need this, Meg. I need to quench.
Is that what we're calling it now?
Quenching?
I wouldn't know since my nubbin
scabbed over and dropped off.
I'll go when my chair's dry.
Let me see if I can fix it
with a towel.
So... "Valentine's Day".
What's the plan, then, Simon? What?
Have dinner, then fuck
and watch a movie?
- Sorry, what's that?
- The question is, though,
fucking before dinner
or after dinner?
Cos fucking's a bit like cheese.
It can either be a starter
or a pudding.
I'm just gonna... erm...
So I managed to blot most
of it up with a towel.
Safe.
Have a good night, love pets.
Oh.
[WIND HOWLS]
[USMAN] I can't believe
you actually did it, Nicky.
The Endless Maze on bananas!
Total madman.
What can I say? It was a triumph
of human spitefulness.
Because somewhere out there,
there is a person...
and I can't remember his username
cos I lost the link, but he is
feeling pretty stupid right now.
[MEG] Yeah, cos he's the idiot
in this story,
oh, not you, the man who was crying
on the landing at 4am,
stomping on bananas.
So pointless.
Exactly, Meg. Everything's pointless.
We just ascribe our own meaning to things.
Cos who's to say it's any
more or less pointless than...
I don't know... running the
London Marathon four years in succession?
OK, Nicky. Is this about your brother?
[SCOFFS AND LAUGHS]
No, Meg, this is not
about my brother.
This has absolutely nothing to do
with my brother.
[LAUGHS]
This is about my dad,
and I cannot wait to see his face
when I tell him what I've achieved.
[USMAN] OK, I'm out of here.
My wife's made me
a big Valentine's lunch -
steak, cheesecake, the whole
nine yards.
[MEG] Ah, good for you.
Don't- don't choke, will you?
[RHYTHMIC BONKING]
Oh, perfect! They're doing it!
Alison and Simon are doing it!
- That is so passive-aggressive.
- Is it?
That is passive-aggressive bonking, Nicky!
Alison is basically
rubbing her vagina in my face.
[NICKY] Happy Valentine's Day, Meg.
[MEG] Valentine's Night and I'm punching
a wooly mammoth to death with my bare hands
while Alison just wafts her clit about!
[NICKY] Well, like I always say,
it's only depressing if you think about it.
[RUSSELL] Tell my mother I love her cos
I'm about to wank myself to death!
[MEG] Hey, Russell.
Have you seen this?!
There is Kingdom Scrolls pornography!
There are drawings of the characters,
but they're all dirty!
Like proper muck!
I mean I'm looking at them right now -
mucky drawings!
[NICKY] Yeah, we know.
It's Kingdom Scrolls hentai,
and it's- it's old.
There are some talented artists
out there, actually.
Cos some of these some of dicks are
almost photo-real.
I can't stop jerking off,
even though there's basically
nothing left down there.
You know an inhaler,
when you squirt it in the air?
That's what my dick does that now
every time I climax.
No sperm, not any more,
not for days.
Just... pfff.
It just goes pfff,
and it makes a kind of thin mist.
My banjo string is basically
round my ankles.
My foreskin looks
like a battered
piece of calamari!
Sorry. Russell, have you taken speed?
Yeah. Plus it's Valentine's Day,
so it only feels right to be jerking off
over drawings of sexy fairies.
[RHYTHMIC BONKING QUICKENS]
So, listen, Russell.
I never did give you
those combat lessons.
- Maybe we could head out into the heath?
- [RUSSELL] OK, sure.
[USNAM] I'm back. Hey, hey, hey!
What did I miss?
[MEG] Usman? I thought
you were having lunch.
[USMAN] Yeah, I had it. I just wolfed it.
It's got to be some kind of record.
I don't think anyone's ever
eaten steak that quickly.
Man, that is sitting heavy.
[NICKY] Ugh, this is taking way too long.
[NICKY] I've got to go.
I've got dinner at my parents'.
[MAMMOTH ROARS]
[ALL] Hurray!
[RUSSELL] We killed it!
[DAD] So, how are those radiators?
I don't suppose you've bled them?
It's really not that difficult.
Is for me, Dad.
Last time I tried bleeding radiators,
I ended up spewing molten hot fluids
all over my hands and torso.
And I actually cried.
I know you did, Son.
[MOM SIGHS]
[DAD] Right.
I'll carve.
Obviously.
Your brother's back in training.
Doing the Boston Marathon next.
He's already raised
about 4,000 in sponsorship.
Well, I completed a game
on bananas, Dad.
Don't know what that means, Son.
You don't need to know what it means.
I am the first person
in the world to do this.
[MOM GASPS]
I mean, Mark Chapman was the first person
in the world to shoot John Lennon, so...
Fine. Forget it, Dad. Doesn't matter.
What I mean is - why don't you show
me how it works?
You know, the game.
You'd want to play it?
Oh, sure.
Be nice for us
to do something together.
- When you get home tonight, if you want.
- Yeah?
OK. Sure.
Cos I know you're not
really into football.
Or rugby.
Cricket.
- Darts.
- Anyway, love...
Golf.
Boxing. Tennis.
Archery. Hockey.
[RUSSELL] Ehm, is this where we're doing
our combat lessons?
[MEG] Kind of, yeah.
[RUSSELL] Erm...
What is this?
This, young Paduwan,
is the future of fucking.
Is it?
[MEG] Well, it's early days. We're still
waiting on the tech to catch up.
But give it five years, seriously,
the next generation of smart
vibrators is gonna change the world.
And then you sync that up to some 4K VR
porn with a pair of haptic gloves
and you get your Bluetooth love egg
involved, and, well... well...
no-one will ever have to
touch anyone ever again.
That's...
...amazing?
I know it is, and that's
within my lifetime.
[RUSSELL] I've never seen
anything like this before.
Is that a cat wanking off a robot?
[MEG] This is an outlaw server.
Hosted outside of
international waters.
Apparently it's run from an oil rig
off the coast of Zimbabwe.
And who's this guy?
[MEG] Oh. That's Mitchell.
He does that.
Fun fact, IRL he's
actually a professor of macroeconomics
at Liverpool University.
Wow, you wouldn't think it, would you,
the way he's doing that?
Hello, Professor.
[AVATAR JABBERS]
Anyway, Meg, in- in regards
to these combat lessons...
Look, I'm not gonna
butter this up for you
but for various reasons, some of
which are relatively questionable,
I'm basically bursting
at the seams tonight.
My downstairs is like a burrito
with too much filling in it.
Do you understand
what I'm saying, Russell?
Sorry, I'm finding it quite hard
to concentrate with this guy er...
[SMACK]
Great. Let's fuck.
[NICKY] So this is my castle.
14 bedrooms, plus a dungeon.
Has the capacity
to house 20 adult slaves.
Do you want one?
Do I want a slave?
[NICKY] Have a slave!
[SLAVE GROWLS]
[DAD] What do I do with it?
[NICKY] We could just kill it.
That'd be a nice father-and-son
thing to do, wouldn't it?
[NICKY] See? That was fun, wasn't it?
Hurray! We killed a slave.
- So, can I fight you, then?
- Well... you could, but I would beat you.
[SCOFFS]
How could you beat me?
I'm a muscly wizard.
You're a child in a cape.
It's a cloak, Dad. And I'm not a child.
I've just got very narrow shoulders.
Fight me. Come on, do it.
This is Penalty Shootout
all over again.
Urggh! Dad, I told you!
I can't do Penalties because the net
in the goal makes my eyes strobe.
Come on, Nicky. Fight me.
Be a man for a change.
OK. Do you know what, Dad?
I am gonna bleed you
like a radiator.
[THUNDEROUS NOISE]
[ROBOT VOICE] Battlestone activated.
Right. What are the buttons?
Fuck the buttons!
Time to die, Dad!
Ha!
Ha!
Ha!
What in the hell...?
[LOUD DRAMATIC MUSIC]
[COOL JAZZ MUSIC]
[LAUGHS] ...Nicky?
- Alison.
I killed my dad, Alison.
-You killed him?
- I killed him.
And do you know something?
It felt amazing.
So this is Simon.
I killed my dad, Simon.
- He's talking about the game.
- Mm-hm.
You ARE talking about the game?
It's like something
from a fairy tale.
I killed... my father.
I like saying it like that.
"Father" instead of "dad".
I killed my father.
Because how many people can
say they've done that?
Everyone WANTS to do it, obviously.
Do they?
Cos my dad's 60 and he's lovely.
I don't want to tempt fate, Alison, but
I think maybe I might have just fixed
all my dysfunctions in one go.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
- Well, that's good then.
- Yeah.
I think I might be normal now.
Right, OK, Nicky. Let's not
rush into things here.
No, I know. Sure.
It's not like I'm normal like...
I dunno... Simon.
I'm not Simon normal.
But more normal than before.
And more confident.
Like I could just...
get a new haircut without even
phoning round all the hairdressers
to see which one sounded
the least intimidating.
In fact, I might just
cut it myself right now,
give myself a normal haircut,
like Simon.
Maybe don't. Maybe...
sleep on it.
Hey, Simon.
Nice coat, Simon.
How would you like to one day
get a pint of drink in a pub
with me, Simon?
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Hey, Meg.
- Hey! Russell.
So that was... erm...
That was pretty wild last night.
What was?
You know, the... the humping.
In the game.
[WHISPERS] Squoiking the dirty words.
Er... it's not ringing
any immediate bells.
Yeah, no, OK, sure, yeah.
See you later.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Fuck me.
- What's that?
- Fuck me on the heath.
- Is that Meg?
- Bend me over a rune stone
and ram me like a portcullis.
So sorry. Will you excuse me one second?
- Hey, Meg.
- Russell. How can I help?
We were just talking on the thingy.
- Who was?
- You and me.
You were talking about
the rune stones just now.
Portcullis?
OK, this is actually quite simple, Russell.
I want to bang you in the abstract.
I want to bang the idea of you.
Do you understand me?
Yeah.
No, not really.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Conceptually, I want to bang you.
Like, if I close my eyes right now...
[DEEP BREATH]
OK, yeah. I quite want
to bang Russell.
And then when I open them...
OK, yeah, no, definitely don't.
No, totally, I get it. Yeah.
When you can't see me, thumbs up.
When you can see me...
thumbs down.
It really is as
simple as that, dude.
Great. So, I'll see you back out there.
Back on the field of battle.
Not if I see you first.
[BOTH LAUGH AWKWARDLY]
Smash me, Russell.
Smash me like a stack of poppadoms.
What?
[NICKY] Usman! Are you still on?
What time is it there?
It's like one in the morning.
It's like four in the morning.
So I've got to tell you
about my evening.
I came back from the store, and
this guy Wade, from my wife's work,
he's mowing my lawn!
He ended up cooking dinner
for the whole family.
And then he put the girls to bed
and read them a story.
And I can hear them all upstairs together -
Wade, my wife, the girls -
and they're all just laughing.
Meanwhile, I'm downstairs
crafting eternity crystals.
I mean it doesn't get
much better than that.
Mind-blowing.
Son, it's your dad.
I want a rematch.
[SIGHS]
Sorry, Usman. Excuse me one second.
I just need to go murder my father.
Again.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
[CLANKING AND CRUNCHING]
Shit!
[NICKY] Where were we?
Oh. Will 'ya look at that.
Ha! I'm still holding his head.
Ooh, I know. Let's do Penalties.
Yeah, hi. You sent me a mouldy pear
in my online shopping
about six weeks ago.
No, I won't hold.
I want eight pears.
I don't know why eight. It's just
a number I picked out of my head,
and now I want it.
OK. Bye.
Nicky, did you just
demand eight pears?
I just demanded eight pears.
They're coming tomorrow.
Meg, you know
when I killed my father?
Yes, I do, because you talk
about it all the time.
I think I might be invincible.
That a new coat?
Yes, it is.
I bought a new coat, like Simon's.
It just looks really weird.
You even look...
sort of passable for a human.
It's a bit like if the Elephant Man
grew a hipster beard
and got some tattoos
and you put him in some
skinny jeans and a beanie hat,
you'd be like,
"Yeah. Sort of. Maybe."
What I'm saying is,
you should basically
take it off right now and burn it.
I like it.
Oh. And, Meg...
Yes, Nicky?
I...
Nothing.
[ALISON] Nicky, you wouldn't be about to
do anything stupid, would you?
Like, I dunno,
cut your own hair or...
tell Meg that you're secretly
in love with her?
Yeah. OK, Alison.
Because that's exactly where I am
in my series arc.
I'm ready to tell Meg
that I love her.
[SCOFFS]
Grow up, Alison.
Right. I might go for a run.
How far is a marathon?
So your dad tells me you've been
playing your game together.
That's right.
Dad?
Did you want to tell her
what we've been doing?
Happy to, Son.
- Nicholas teabagged me.
- Oh! What's teabags?
Well, first he's cut my head off.
Then he sort of...
just did that, over my head.
Like he's tapping his bollocks
on my face.
Nicky!
Yeah, I thought it'd be nice
for us to do something together, but...
he just keeps killing me
and then tapping his bollocks
on my face, so, uh,
I think I'll stop playing it now.
Sorry for teabagging you, Dad.
- I didn't think.
- [DAD WHISPERS] It's all right.
So, who wants to carve?
Very funny!
I'll carve.
[SHARPENS KNIFE]
How do you mean, very funny?
I mean I'm carving.
You don't think I can carve?
[CHUCKLES]
Son, I've seen you carve.
- I can carve.
- You can't carve.
That's funny, cos I seem to
remember carving you up pretty good
out in the Flatlands.
Well, this is reality, Son.
Is it, though, Dad?
Is THIS reality? Is it really?
- What are you doing?
- I'm carving.
-Put the knife down, Nicky.
- Not until I've carved the meat, Dad.
[BURST OF DRAMATIC MUSIC]
Boys...
You'll do it in chunks.
[BURST OF DRAMATIC MUSIC]
I won't do it in chunks.
I'll do it in slices,
like we all like!
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
It's my house. I'll carve.
I'm the one proficient with a blade
as I clearly demonstrated
on your face, neck and head.
Give me the meat, Son.
I can do it, Dad!
- Enough!
- Never!
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
Now...
..shall I be mother?
Usman! Have you seen Meg?
[USMAN] One second.
Hey, Wade! I think
Daria has an assignment!
Yeah. Uh, if you don't mind taking
a look, that would be tremendous!
[WADE] Sure thing, Usman!
Come here, honey!
Sucker.
I think she went to the House
of the Jade Moon. Her and Russell.
[AVATAR JABBERS]
Not now, Mitchel!
Eurgh!
[MITCHEL MUTTERING]
[BEEP]
You're probably wondering
why I'm buying so many bananas.
[BEEP]
There's- there's a game called
Kingdom Scrolls,
and there's a section in that game
called the Endless Maze,
and I'm attempting to become
the first person, ever
to complete it entirely on...
..bananas. Correct.
[BEEP]
I know. Sure. Lots of questions.
Basically, I attach
an earthing cable to myself.
And whenever I touch the fruit,
it sends a signal to the keyboard.
Bunches on the left cover directions.
Bunches on the right,
attacks, spells and defence. [BEEP]
"Now, why would you do that?" -
you might ask yourself, and quite rightly.
And to that I would say, because
someone on a forum I sometimes read
said that I probably... couldn't... do it.
[BEEP]
"But, Nicky, why would you book
five days' annual leave
"just to prove a point
to someone you've never actually met?"
And to that I would say,
because I am spiteful,
lonely...
and pathetic.
And with that...
And with that... Oh.
And with that...
he took his bananas and never did
darken her checkout again.
Adieu, milady.
[LAUGHTER]
Oh, Meg! You're...
- not in your room.
- Well observed, Alison.
Spilled some yoghurt drink
on my swivel chair.
I'm just waiting
for it to dry.
No, obviously.
Tried drying it with a hair dryer.
Now my whole room just
smells like hot raspberries.
So this is Simon.
He's in the orchestra.
Easy, Simon.
Tell him what you do, Meg,
on the computer.
- I'm a hunchback.
- She's a hunchback.
Ah.
She's trying to save the Ninth
Kingdom from the Hive Mother.
Right.
You probably have an
image of it being a bit...
But to her, it's real.
- Hmm.
- It's like having a life, in a way,
because we've been out,
but YOU'VE been out as well,
haven't you, Meg?
Yeah, that's right, Alison.
And who's to say
which one's more real?
Cos we might all
end up like Meg one day -
blobs on a futon,
attached to a computer.
It's coming.
It will happen.
- So any plans for Valentine's Day?
- Yup.
I'm just gonna sit here
and wait for the yoghurt to dry
on my swivel chair.
Meg, we were gonna
cook something together.
Don't mind me. I'm not even here.
The vessel's empty.
Physically I'm here, but mentally
I'm somewhere else.
- Right.
Could you be mentally somewhere else
but also physically somewhere else?
I need this, Meg. I need to quench.
Is that what we're calling it now?
Quenching?
I wouldn't know since my nubbin
scabbed over and dropped off.
I'll go when my chair's dry.
Let me see if I can fix it
with a towel.
So... "Valentine's Day".
What's the plan, then, Simon? What?
Have dinner, then fuck
and watch a movie?
- Sorry, what's that?
- The question is, though,
fucking before dinner
or after dinner?
Cos fucking's a bit like cheese.
It can either be a starter
or a pudding.
I'm just gonna... erm...
So I managed to blot most
of it up with a towel.
Safe.
Have a good night, love pets.
Oh.
[WIND HOWLS]
[USMAN] I can't believe
you actually did it, Nicky.
The Endless Maze on bananas!
Total madman.
What can I say? It was a triumph
of human spitefulness.
Because somewhere out there,
there is a person...
and I can't remember his username
cos I lost the link, but he is
feeling pretty stupid right now.
[MEG] Yeah, cos he's the idiot
in this story,
oh, not you, the man who was crying
on the landing at 4am,
stomping on bananas.
So pointless.
Exactly, Meg. Everything's pointless.
We just ascribe our own meaning to things.
Cos who's to say it's any
more or less pointless than...
I don't know... running the
London Marathon four years in succession?
OK, Nicky. Is this about your brother?
[SCOFFS AND LAUGHS]
No, Meg, this is not
about my brother.
This has absolutely nothing to do
with my brother.
[LAUGHS]
This is about my dad,
and I cannot wait to see his face
when I tell him what I've achieved.
[USMAN] OK, I'm out of here.
My wife's made me
a big Valentine's lunch -
steak, cheesecake, the whole
nine yards.
[MEG] Ah, good for you.
Don't- don't choke, will you?
[RHYTHMIC BONKING]
Oh, perfect! They're doing it!
Alison and Simon are doing it!
- That is so passive-aggressive.
- Is it?
That is passive-aggressive bonking, Nicky!
Alison is basically
rubbing her vagina in my face.
[NICKY] Happy Valentine's Day, Meg.
[MEG] Valentine's Night and I'm punching
a wooly mammoth to death with my bare hands
while Alison just wafts her clit about!
[NICKY] Well, like I always say,
it's only depressing if you think about it.
[RUSSELL] Tell my mother I love her cos
I'm about to wank myself to death!
[MEG] Hey, Russell.
Have you seen this?!
There is Kingdom Scrolls pornography!
There are drawings of the characters,
but they're all dirty!
Like proper muck!
I mean I'm looking at them right now -
mucky drawings!
[NICKY] Yeah, we know.
It's Kingdom Scrolls hentai,
and it's- it's old.
There are some talented artists
out there, actually.
Cos some of these some of dicks are
almost photo-real.
I can't stop jerking off,
even though there's basically
nothing left down there.
You know an inhaler,
when you squirt it in the air?
That's what my dick does that now
every time I climax.
No sperm, not any more,
not for days.
Just... pfff.
It just goes pfff,
and it makes a kind of thin mist.
My banjo string is basically
round my ankles.
My foreskin looks
like a battered
piece of calamari!
Sorry. Russell, have you taken speed?
Yeah. Plus it's Valentine's Day,
so it only feels right to be jerking off
over drawings of sexy fairies.
[RHYTHMIC BONKING QUICKENS]
So, listen, Russell.
I never did give you
those combat lessons.
- Maybe we could head out into the heath?
- [RUSSELL] OK, sure.
[USNAM] I'm back. Hey, hey, hey!
What did I miss?
[MEG] Usman? I thought
you were having lunch.
[USMAN] Yeah, I had it. I just wolfed it.
It's got to be some kind of record.
I don't think anyone's ever
eaten steak that quickly.
Man, that is sitting heavy.
[NICKY] Ugh, this is taking way too long.
[NICKY] I've got to go.
I've got dinner at my parents'.
[MAMMOTH ROARS]
[ALL] Hurray!
[RUSSELL] We killed it!
[DAD] So, how are those radiators?
I don't suppose you've bled them?
It's really not that difficult.
Is for me, Dad.
Last time I tried bleeding radiators,
I ended up spewing molten hot fluids
all over my hands and torso.
And I actually cried.
I know you did, Son.
[MOM SIGHS]
[DAD] Right.
I'll carve.
Obviously.
Your brother's back in training.
Doing the Boston Marathon next.
He's already raised
about 4,000 in sponsorship.
Well, I completed a game
on bananas, Dad.
Don't know what that means, Son.
You don't need to know what it means.
I am the first person
in the world to do this.
[MOM GASPS]
I mean, Mark Chapman was the first person
in the world to shoot John Lennon, so...
Fine. Forget it, Dad. Doesn't matter.
What I mean is - why don't you show
me how it works?
You know, the game.
You'd want to play it?
Oh, sure.
Be nice for us
to do something together.
- When you get home tonight, if you want.
- Yeah?
OK. Sure.
Cos I know you're not
really into football.
Or rugby.
Cricket.
- Darts.
- Anyway, love...
Golf.
Boxing. Tennis.
Archery. Hockey.
[RUSSELL] Ehm, is this where we're doing
our combat lessons?
[MEG] Kind of, yeah.
[RUSSELL] Erm...
What is this?
This, young Paduwan,
is the future of fucking.
Is it?
[MEG] Well, it's early days. We're still
waiting on the tech to catch up.
But give it five years, seriously,
the next generation of smart
vibrators is gonna change the world.
And then you sync that up to some 4K VR
porn with a pair of haptic gloves
and you get your Bluetooth love egg
involved, and, well... well...
no-one will ever have to
touch anyone ever again.
That's...
...amazing?
I know it is, and that's
within my lifetime.
[RUSSELL] I've never seen
anything like this before.
Is that a cat wanking off a robot?
[MEG] This is an outlaw server.
Hosted outside of
international waters.
Apparently it's run from an oil rig
off the coast of Zimbabwe.
And who's this guy?
[MEG] Oh. That's Mitchell.
He does that.
Fun fact, IRL he's
actually a professor of macroeconomics
at Liverpool University.
Wow, you wouldn't think it, would you,
the way he's doing that?
Hello, Professor.
[AVATAR JABBERS]
Anyway, Meg, in- in regards
to these combat lessons...
Look, I'm not gonna
butter this up for you
but for various reasons, some of
which are relatively questionable,
I'm basically bursting
at the seams tonight.
My downstairs is like a burrito
with too much filling in it.
Do you understand
what I'm saying, Russell?
Sorry, I'm finding it quite hard
to concentrate with this guy er...
[SMACK]
Great. Let's fuck.
[NICKY] So this is my castle.
14 bedrooms, plus a dungeon.
Has the capacity
to house 20 adult slaves.
Do you want one?
Do I want a slave?
[NICKY] Have a slave!
[SLAVE GROWLS]
[DAD] What do I do with it?
[NICKY] We could just kill it.
That'd be a nice father-and-son
thing to do, wouldn't it?
[NICKY] See? That was fun, wasn't it?
Hurray! We killed a slave.
- So, can I fight you, then?
- Well... you could, but I would beat you.
[SCOFFS]
How could you beat me?
I'm a muscly wizard.
You're a child in a cape.
It's a cloak, Dad. And I'm not a child.
I've just got very narrow shoulders.
Fight me. Come on, do it.
This is Penalty Shootout
all over again.
Urggh! Dad, I told you!
I can't do Penalties because the net
in the goal makes my eyes strobe.
Come on, Nicky. Fight me.
Be a man for a change.
OK. Do you know what, Dad?
I am gonna bleed you
like a radiator.
[THUNDEROUS NOISE]
[ROBOT VOICE] Battlestone activated.
Right. What are the buttons?
Fuck the buttons!
Time to die, Dad!
Ha!
Ha!
Ha!
What in the hell...?
[LOUD DRAMATIC MUSIC]
[COOL JAZZ MUSIC]
[LAUGHS] ...Nicky?
- Alison.
I killed my dad, Alison.
-You killed him?
- I killed him.
And do you know something?
It felt amazing.
So this is Simon.
I killed my dad, Simon.
- He's talking about the game.
- Mm-hm.
You ARE talking about the game?
It's like something
from a fairy tale.
I killed... my father.
I like saying it like that.
"Father" instead of "dad".
I killed my father.
Because how many people can
say they've done that?
Everyone WANTS to do it, obviously.
Do they?
Cos my dad's 60 and he's lovely.
I don't want to tempt fate, Alison, but
I think maybe I might have just fixed
all my dysfunctions in one go.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
- Well, that's good then.
- Yeah.
I think I might be normal now.
Right, OK, Nicky. Let's not
rush into things here.
No, I know. Sure.
It's not like I'm normal like...
I dunno... Simon.
I'm not Simon normal.
But more normal than before.
And more confident.
Like I could just...
get a new haircut without even
phoning round all the hairdressers
to see which one sounded
the least intimidating.
In fact, I might just
cut it myself right now,
give myself a normal haircut,
like Simon.
Maybe don't. Maybe...
sleep on it.
Hey, Simon.
Nice coat, Simon.
How would you like to one day
get a pint of drink in a pub
with me, Simon?
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Hey, Meg.
- Hey! Russell.
So that was... erm...
That was pretty wild last night.
What was?
You know, the... the humping.
In the game.
[WHISPERS] Squoiking the dirty words.
Er... it's not ringing
any immediate bells.
Yeah, no, OK, sure, yeah.
See you later.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Fuck me.
- What's that?
- Fuck me on the heath.
- Is that Meg?
- Bend me over a rune stone
and ram me like a portcullis.
So sorry. Will you excuse me one second?
- Hey, Meg.
- Russell. How can I help?
We were just talking on the thingy.
- Who was?
- You and me.
You were talking about
the rune stones just now.
Portcullis?
OK, this is actually quite simple, Russell.
I want to bang you in the abstract.
I want to bang the idea of you.
Do you understand me?
Yeah.
No, not really.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Conceptually, I want to bang you.
Like, if I close my eyes right now...
[DEEP BREATH]
OK, yeah. I quite want
to bang Russell.
And then when I open them...
OK, yeah, no, definitely don't.
No, totally, I get it. Yeah.
When you can't see me, thumbs up.
When you can see me...
thumbs down.
It really is as
simple as that, dude.
Great. So, I'll see you back out there.
Back on the field of battle.
Not if I see you first.
[BOTH LAUGH AWKWARDLY]
Smash me, Russell.
Smash me like a stack of poppadoms.
What?
[NICKY] Usman! Are you still on?
What time is it there?
It's like one in the morning.
It's like four in the morning.
So I've got to tell you
about my evening.
I came back from the store, and
this guy Wade, from my wife's work,
he's mowing my lawn!
He ended up cooking dinner
for the whole family.
And then he put the girls to bed
and read them a story.
And I can hear them all upstairs together -
Wade, my wife, the girls -
and they're all just laughing.
Meanwhile, I'm downstairs
crafting eternity crystals.
I mean it doesn't get
much better than that.
Mind-blowing.
Son, it's your dad.
I want a rematch.
[SIGHS]
Sorry, Usman. Excuse me one second.
I just need to go murder my father.
Again.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
[CLANKING AND CRUNCHING]
Shit!
[NICKY] Where were we?
Oh. Will 'ya look at that.
Ha! I'm still holding his head.
Ooh, I know. Let's do Penalties.
Yeah, hi. You sent me a mouldy pear
in my online shopping
about six weeks ago.
No, I won't hold.
I want eight pears.
I don't know why eight. It's just
a number I picked out of my head,
and now I want it.
OK. Bye.
Nicky, did you just
demand eight pears?
I just demanded eight pears.
They're coming tomorrow.
Meg, you know
when I killed my father?
Yes, I do, because you talk
about it all the time.
I think I might be invincible.
That a new coat?
Yes, it is.
I bought a new coat, like Simon's.
It just looks really weird.
You even look...
sort of passable for a human.
It's a bit like if the Elephant Man
grew a hipster beard
and got some tattoos
and you put him in some
skinny jeans and a beanie hat,
you'd be like,
"Yeah. Sort of. Maybe."
What I'm saying is,
you should basically
take it off right now and burn it.
I like it.
Oh. And, Meg...
Yes, Nicky?
I...
Nothing.
[ALISON] Nicky, you wouldn't be about to
do anything stupid, would you?
Like, I dunno,
cut your own hair or...
tell Meg that you're secretly
in love with her?
Yeah. OK, Alison.
Because that's exactly where I am
in my series arc.
I'm ready to tell Meg
that I love her.
[SCOFFS]
Grow up, Alison.
Right. I might go for a run.
How far is a marathon?
So your dad tells me you've been
playing your game together.
That's right.
Dad?
Did you want to tell her
what we've been doing?
Happy to, Son.
- Nicholas teabagged me.
- Oh! What's teabags?
Well, first he's cut my head off.
Then he sort of...
just did that, over my head.
Like he's tapping his bollocks
on my face.
Nicky!
Yeah, I thought it'd be nice
for us to do something together, but...
he just keeps killing me
and then tapping his bollocks
on my face, so, uh,
I think I'll stop playing it now.
Sorry for teabagging you, Dad.
- I didn't think.
- [DAD WHISPERS] It's all right.
So, who wants to carve?
Very funny!
I'll carve.
[SHARPENS KNIFE]
How do you mean, very funny?
I mean I'm carving.
You don't think I can carve?
[CHUCKLES]
Son, I've seen you carve.
- I can carve.
- You can't carve.
That's funny, cos I seem to
remember carving you up pretty good
out in the Flatlands.
Well, this is reality, Son.
Is it, though, Dad?
Is THIS reality? Is it really?
- What are you doing?
- I'm carving.
-Put the knife down, Nicky.
- Not until I've carved the meat, Dad.
[BURST OF DRAMATIC MUSIC]
Boys...
You'll do it in chunks.
[BURST OF DRAMATIC MUSIC]
I won't do it in chunks.
I'll do it in slices,
like we all like!
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
It's my house. I'll carve.
I'm the one proficient with a blade
as I clearly demonstrated
on your face, neck and head.
Give me the meat, Son.
I can do it, Dad!
- Enough!
- Never!
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
Now...
..shall I be mother?
Usman! Have you seen Meg?
[USMAN] One second.
Hey, Wade! I think
Daria has an assignment!
Yeah. Uh, if you don't mind taking
a look, that would be tremendous!
[WADE] Sure thing, Usman!
Come here, honey!
Sucker.
I think she went to the House
of the Jade Moon. Her and Russell.
[AVATAR JABBERS]
Not now, Mitchel!
Eurgh!
[MITCHEL MUTTERING]