What We Do in the Shadows (2019–…): Season 4, Episode 2 - The Lamp - full transcript

Our work on converting
the Vampiric Council

into a vampire nightclub

is not going well.

Stop the work! Stop the work!

The custodian of this

wonderful raw space
is being something

of a total harpy in my ass.

Continue the work.
Continue the work.

Ignore her, keep working.

My voice reigns supreme.

I have been in charge
of this sacred reliquary



for hundreds of years.

You can't just dismantle it all.

We're not dismantling anything,
we're just moving things around.

- Oh.
- There is a very specific
filing system here.

- Which is?
- Which is everything
stays exactly where it is

and nothing gets moved
or changed ever.

Are you sure you don't
want to protect

your precious books
by putting them

into storage
so they don't get damaged

by my blood sprinklers?

Blood sprinklers?

No, no, no. This is not right.
Put it all back.

You can get fucked.
This took hours.

Oh, I wasn't talking to you.



What the fuck?

Fucking wraiths.

Anything you can do,
my wraiths can undo.

This conversation is over.

♪ Don't sing if you want
to live long ♪

♪ They have no use
for your song ♪

♪ You're dead, you're dead,
you're dead ♪

♪ You're dead
and out of this world ♪

♪ Now your hope and compassion
is gone ♪

♪ You sold out your dream
to the world ♪

♪ Stay dead, stay dead,
stay dead ♪

♪ You're dead
and out of this world. ♪

♪ ♪

- Cute.
- Which one's yours?

I do not own a dog.

- I only come here
to speak to you.
- Oh.

My search for a new wife has...

not been going so great.

I used to have
37 beautiful wives.

But that was hundreds
of years ago.

Now I have no one.

But I have a plan.

I secretly smuggled back
850 pounds of ancestral treasure

from Al Qolnidar.

I thought my ancestral treasure

would make
a very impressive dowry.

But it seems,

for modern women,
it's just not enough.

I am not a creep.

I'm just a very powerful
and ancient warrior

who wishes to marry you.

So I'd like you to come back
to the basement of my mansion

and examine my massive dowry.

Hmm?

So, here I am,

surrounded by all
my secret treasures

but without a wife
to share them with.

And, yes, I have kept
my secret treasure secret

from even my housemates.

No one will ever know
the precious riches

- that I have hidden deep...
- Master?

What the fuck? Guillermo?

How did you get in here?
The door was locked.

Wh... How long have you had
this secret room for?

Whoa. Look at all this stuff.
Is this stuff real?

Sure, just come on down
to my secret treasure room,

why don't you?
Don't touch that.

- Ow.
- Of course it's real.

The aggravations are endless.

I am paying a full crew
of workermen to do nothing.

- You know what I think
this stairway needs, Tobe?
- What's that?

Hey, I bet they do
a shiplap accent wall.

- Watch.
- ...a shiplap accent wall.

Man, come on, these guys have,
like, two go-to moves at best.

No, that's where
you're fucking wrong.

Bran and Toby
choose to use shiplap

because it has the perfect
amount of artistic flair

for any aesthetic.

Also, not a budget-buster.

Did you want to do shiplap
on this wall?

- Where?
- Just, like, right over here?

Well, if you've got some.

Every time I persuade
the workermen to work,

The Guide and her wraiths
undermine me.

- Hey. Hey!
- Whoa, whoa!

I told Nadja it wasn't safe
for her crew to be working here,

but she doesn't listen.

I have tried using the carrot,
as one does

with a stubborn donkey, but now
it is time for the stick!

I must ask you
about some of the things

I overheard them saying when
I was working in, um, England

at the Supreme Vampiric Council.

Oh. Did they speak about me

and my dedicated work here?

- I shouldn't say, no.
- Oh.

Okay, I'll tell you.

Yeah, so, some of them
were definitely saying

that they think that this branch
of the Vampiric Council

is very much stuck in time,

and that the real estate
would probably be more valuable

if they leased it out
to a... CVS Pharmacy.

Who said that?

The main one.

Dark Lord Tyrantus?

The Liquidator of Underlings?

Him... that's him.

Uh, okay, uh...

What do I do?

Okay!

Let's do this! Uh...

Wraith meeting! Wraith meeting!

Hey, uh, stop
injuring crew workers

and assemble for
an official wraith meeting.

All right, that's the last one.

Ah, yes.

Any woman in ancient Al Qolnidar
would throw herself at my feet

if she knew
I had a spoon like this.

Well, most modern women have
access to spoons already, so...

We live in a time of miracles.

No.

What's this?

- Oh, just a djinn lamp.
- A what?

A djinn lamp.
Like in the old stories.

You-you rub it and a magical man
comes out and grants you wishes.

Oh, a genie lamp.

It is a djinn lamp.

Uh, the ancient tales
say it is magical,

but like most of the ancient
tales, it is all horseshit.

- Well, then rub it.
- I rubbed hundreds
of djinn lamps

as a child,
nothing ever happened. See?

Nothing.

Well, did you ever rub it
counterclockwise?

Eh, rub, rub, rub. See? Nothing.

What is happening?!

You rubbed it a hundred times
and never thought

about rubbing it the other way?!

We are about to die,

and this is what you want

your last words to be?!

Okay. It stopped.

- Hey.
- Hey, yo...

Oh, hey.

Are you a djinn?

Yes.

You don't look like a djinn.

- You can't say that.
- I just did.

Thank you all for coming.

Would you like me to explain
what we require of them?

No, I'll handle it.
I'm just waiting

for the rest of them
to get here.

I don't want to say it twice.

Um...

I say, exactly
how many wraiths are there?

So, so many. And so many of them

are habitual stragglers!

Mm.

Okay, I guess they're all here.

- Hear me, my wraiths!
- Yes...

For today
we embark on a new mission.

Oh.

Now, many changes will be
made to this building.

And your duty
heretoforth is to help

the human workers...

- Help.
- ...and to not harm
the human workers.

- Don't harm them.
- Am I understood?

Yes...

All right.
Now we will organize ourselves

into work squads,
and within those squads

- we will decide who does...
- Ooh, sorry, this is not
the john...

Wait.

Ooh.

Uh, what did we just say?!

Oh, no. I was worried

about this happening.

You see, the wraiths and I
have been together

for so long that no matter
what I tell them to do,

they know what
my heart really wants.

Well, maybe you should tell
your heart to think of some...

It's all right, my darling.
I think I can deal with this.

So, logically you're prepared

for change, yet your inner,

uncontrollable emotions
are resisting.

Would I be right?

What?

I think can fix her.

Psychology is considered to be

one of the newer sciences.

Isn't really new to me at all.

In fact, I was there
at its conception.

I spent a few of my younger
years with Sigmund Freud,

while he was using cocaine
and working on his theory

that all neurosis is derived

from what he called "hand envy."

I remember taking
a steam bath with the chap,

and my towel
accidentally dropped,

and he caught sight of my rather
generous John Thomas.

He shrieked "Eureka," and then
came up with "penis envy."

Or what I like to call
"wanting of the wang."

So, how many wishes
can you grant?

Do you wish to know?

- No, don't...
- Sure.

Well, it's 52.

But you just used one,
so it's 51.

Don't wish it.

My first thought was,

I will just wish the djinn
to get me a new love.

But then I remembered
I had already found love.

I had 37 wives, and one of them,

I specifically remember,
I really loved.

I just cannot remember
which one.

- Hmm...
- So, what was her name?

It might have been a he.
They weren't all women.

- You could do that back then?
- Of course.

Some of my wives
were girl wives,

some of them were guy wives.

It's not that different.

Hmm.

I cannot remember the name,

but either he or she had

very long, dark hair.

28 of them had long, dark hair.

Hmm. I want to say Becky?

- No.
- Hmm.

How about Dalal?

I think I remember him having
a very fun handlebar mustache.

- There were three Dalals.
- Three.

You know what?
Just bring them

all back
and we'll figure it out.

I don't think that's the most
efficient way to deal with...

Uh, is this your wish?

Yes. This is my wish.

I wish you to bring back
all 37 of my dead wives.

Very well.

Oh, boy.

Greetings, my wives.

Hi.

Nandor...

Yes, hello to you, too,
I want to say Mina?

Miriam?

- Zahra.
- That's it.

I also wish for them all
to speak English.

...Fatemeh said you were
going to return

- when the moon was next full.
- Did she?

But we waited
three full moon cycles,

- and guess what. Nothing.
- Oh, three? Sorry about that.

Which is very disrespectful
not just to me

- but to my father...
- Let me go check

and I'll get
right back to you...

Give me one moment! Uh,
everything will be normal soon.

- How long must I stare
at the...?
- I don't know.

How long, Nandor?

Okay, so it's definitely
not her.

Guillermo, I'm going
to need you to install

37 bunk beds in the attic.

Open!

- Keep going.
- I've been watching over

this building
for hundreds of years.

I'm so intertwined with it,
I feel any changes physically,

in my own body.

What, you mean,
like something sexual?

More like, if there is a brick
that gets chipped,

I get a headache.

If the steam pipes are backed
up, then I am also backed up.

- Nothing sexy.
- I'm just gonna ignore

most of that and put that down
to your female hysteria.

- Hmm.
- Moving on, the thought
of changing this building,

- how does that make you feel?
- Bad.

If anything gets changed here,
something very bad will happen.

- Could you give me an example?
- I just have an overpowering

"bad things will happen" energy,
and it's flowing through me.

Do you mean a sexual sensation?

No, it's more like,
when you enter a room...

- Keep going.
- But you have to take
an even amount of steps

because the floor will be bad
and then you tap the doorknob

three times and you do it
all over again.

You know, regular stuff.

Guillermo, now is not time
for shopping.

My wives are hungry.

I know. This is the Uber Eats
order for your 37 wives.

We've narrowed it down
to 32 now.

Well, what did you do
with the rejects?

Guillermo.

Those beautiful, sensitive,

poetic creatures
are not rejects.

They're just simply not
what I'm looking for

- at this particular juncture,
so we got rid of them.
- What?

-I-I don't kill them.
I just make them dead again.
-Yes.

- Isn't that killing them again?
- No.

He re-deads them.
But in a nice way.

And they go to paradise,
don't they?

Sure.

We even came up
with a nice way of doing it.

My sweet Nandor said
I'm supposed to ask you

for a special gold coin?

Ah, yes.

Come, come.

So they never see it coming.

And there is no sadness
or tears.

That sounds like murder.

I'll pretend I didn't hear that.

But, you know,
this isn't just a job to me.

You know, I'm not clocking in
and clocking out.

- This is who I am.
- Right.

And if you don't mind me asking,

who were you before... this?

Well, I was, um...

a...

Well, I...

I can't remember.

You've no idea, have you?

I have no idea.

Well, that is fascinating.

And if you will allow me,

I have a technique

that could retrieve
that lost memory.

Will it hurt?

Maybe.

My dear Roshni, I thought
we'd do a little quiz.

"34 Questions
That Lead to Love."

Question one,

"if you could choose
anyone in the world,

which three people
would you invite to dinner?"

Well, for one,

I would love to hear
the Sufic poetry

of the great poet
Jalal al-Din Muhammad Rumi

directly from his own lips.

Excellent choice.

And next?

I suppose my dear grandfather.

A simple farmer
but a very wise man.

Very nice, Roshni.

And finally?

- And then perhaps...
- Mm-hmm.

Yes?

...Behrouz the Mighty.

A most fearsome warrior.

A hero.

- Behrouz?
- Yes.

- The Mighty?
- Yes.

Mm.

Hi. Nandor said

- you have a gold coin for me.
- Yes,

I do.

You're walking down the corridor
of your mind.

Can you picture it?

- Yes.
- Good.

You walk down that corridor

and come across
an important-looking room.

What does it say upon the door?

"Storage."

You open that door.

What do you see inside?

- Boxes.
- Boxes.

- Mm.
- All right.

You open one of the boxes.

What's inside?

Some smaller boxes.

And each one has a label on it.

And what does the label say?

- "Contents: Even Smaller Boxes."
- "S-Smaller Boxes."

Yes, I thought you might say
that. Let's get the fuck out.

- Is this a bad time?
- I really can't talk right now,
okay?

- All right. Yeah.
- I'll call you back later.

Whenever you can.
I really miss you.

Yeah...

I know what everyone's thinking.

I'm gonna be super jealous
of whoever Nandor's wife

ends up being, but...

I'm really not.

I just want him to be happy.

And...

I'm in a very good place
right now.

As far as that's concerned.

Because...

that's all I will say
about that.

All right. Special delivery.

Got some dresses

- and shirts and all the...
- I was going to make Nandor

a shank of lamb...
do you know if he likes lamb?

- Um, I don't think
he's really into lamb, actually.
- Hey.

- Can you take this infant away
from me?
- No...

- He is exhausting me.
- Okay,

maybe in a second, Darya.

Kind of have my hands full here,
all right?

Wow. It is so great
to have a nice,

nonthreatening male to talk to.

- Okay.
- Isn't it?

What is your name, eunuch?

Well, it's Guillermo,

and I'm not a eunuch, so...

- Close enough.
- Cover yourself up.

Continuing down the corridor
of your mind,

- what do you see?
- Someone needs to clean it up.

All right, apart from that,
do you see a door?

- Many doors.
- Can you tell me what they say?

- "Conversation Starters."
- All right.

Uh, "Favorite Looks Casual."

"Favorite Looks Formal."

"Shame... Do Not Open."

Uh, "Box Storage Number Two."

That might be
a good one to get into.

Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa.
Back up a second.

Did you just say "Shame"?

Let's go in there,
have a bit of a poke around.

- The "Shame" door?
- Please.

Says "Do Not Open."

Well, fuck that.
Just give it a...

give it a hard push.

Nope.

- It's not budging.
- Right. Ah!

What's that I hear?

The footsteps

of somebody strong and powerful

coming down the corridor
of your mind to help you.

Do you see that person?

- Yes.
- Who is he?

It's Guillermo.

No, no, I said
somebody strong and powerful.

Do you see that person?

- Yes, that's Guillermo.
- Really?

Well, he's naked.

- Hello, Guillermo.
- Uh, just get him
to open the door.

- He's naked.
- Can he open the door?

He's trying,

but his hands keep slipping
off the doorknob

due to the oil
that he used to glisten up

his naked body.

Right. You know what?
I think I might take a break.

Nandor's process

is, uh...

well...

You have an impressive
and powerful physique, Kublai.

I cannot wait to explore it.

But I'm afraid...

I am stronger.

Even a very strong man
like you...

...won't want to step
on that nail.

Nail?

Ah!

You win, Kublai.

I may not remember
my beloved's name.

As your prize, you get
a very special gold coin.

But I do remember that
they never beat me at anything.

Fucking Kublai.

Okay, first things first,
I'd say

the two Dalals
are definitely out.

They were humble
and an excellent listener.

My sister, when she was
being courted by her husband...

Well, he didn't end up
actually becoming her husband.

- Mm-hmm.
- We were all certain
they were to be wed, you know?

I'd forgotten how many wonderful
stories you have to tell, Mina.

But he was also, like, a...

The love of my life

was not petty

or slovenly

or vain.

- Saddle up!
- Or manipulative.

He's a naughty boy.

They never asked me
to shave off my beard.

Okay, she's a maybe.

This guy I don't trust.
This one

never learned to read.
I like her,

but she's so much smarter
than me, so...

see ya!

They were warm
and wanted to be with me.

You know, Behrouz the Mighty,

all of his fearsome shit
was actually done by other guys.

My heart's desire was kind

and a good haggler.

They never borrowed my boots
without asking me.

They were merciful.

And horny.

And this, my dear Ramy,

is where the magic happens.

Shall we?

Could I get one
of those gold coins now?

My beloved had a sense
of spontaneity and fun.

Nandor, what are you hiding?

Ah!

H-Hey! No, wait! Come back!

- Where you going?!
- No.

Come back!

It's just a lobster!

Leave me alone.

Wait!

♪ Bu-Bu-Bu-Bublitchki. ♪

That was adorable.

Nasrin! Nasrin!

Hey! Don't be afraid!

Nasrin! Hey.

Where are you going?!

Do not fear him!
We are about to kill him anyway.

Oh!

Shit.

Whoops.

Yeah, she's dead.

- It is a process.
- ♪ Hey! ♪

You were meant
to look

You can't just let him
wander off.

Here, boy!

He's not a dog. He's a child.

Why are you so grumpy
these days, Guillermo?

Oh, I don't know.
Maybe 'cause I'm exhausted

from feeding and taking care
of your 37 wives.

Actually,
we're down to seven now.

- Little baby Colin!
- Colin?

Oh, wow.

This little rascal really likes

to hammer holes in the wall,
doesn't he?

Between taking care
of your wives

and making sure this poor child

- doesn't die...
- Hey!

...in this death trap
of a house,

I haven't slept in weeks.

- Colin, give me the hammer.
- Hey! Shit.

Do you know that I've missed
my mother's birthday party

three years in a row?

No. Why would I know that?

I would have to know that
it was your mother's birthday

and also the things you do.

I-I really am glad
that you want to find a wife,

and I think it's cool.
I really do.

- I'm cool with that.
- Oh, good.

I'm so glad
you are "cool" with that.

But I already have a family.
And one that I don't see

because I spend so much time
taking care of you guys,

I don't take care of myself.

I think he has fallen asleep.

I think your story bored him.

Only kidding, Guillermo.

Eesh.

We've had a breakthrough.

This job isn't my job.

It's my punishment.

She'd locked away her most
shameful and sordid memories

for so long
that she'd forgotten them.

- I was a bad vampire.
- Yes.

I was sloppy.

I was wild.

I was a moth
to the danger flame.

I led the Inquisition.

I danced
the Dance of the Seven Veils.

Without the veils.

Top work.

I was, simply put,

- extra.
- It's true.

And we finally got
to the bottom of the, uh,

naked, glistening Guillermo
business

that's been lurking
in her tawdry mind.

Don't stop.
This is getting good.

The final straw came,

the ultimate messiness
for a vampire...

when I slept
with a vampire killer.

Shit.

No.

A Van Helsing.

No.

Yeah.

I knew it was wrong

when I did it.

There's something
about his kind...

the danger, the depravity.

Will this climax be
the end of my story?

And what a way to go.

His fingers
that could wrap around my neck.

All right. Leave this with me.

What? Are you fucking insane?

No. No way.

It's every young boy's fantasy.

What's wrong with you?
It works, doesn't it?

- As if you could do any better.
- Just do it.

Get her to stop talking
about that fucking building.

She clearly has a weakness
for your kind.

She might teach you
a thing or two.

Okay.

If I do this,
what's it worth to you?

Name your price.

I want to be
the nightclub's accountant.

Why?

Why not?

This makes me suspicious
a little.

Well, do you want my help
or not?

Eh. I mean, we do, so...

- done deal.
- Okay. Well.

Yeah, I've done a lot of things
for Nandor, Laszlo and Nadja

over the years, but...

seducing a vampire
to do their bidding?

That's a new one.

Guillermo,
I know why you're here.

But the answer is no.

Oh, come on.

Don't-don't you think
a nightclub would be...

a nice, fun change of pace
for you?

Yeah, sure.
The nightclub's fine.

I don't care about that anymore.

- Okay, good.
- Yeah.

No, it is our...

forbidden love...

...that I must squash before
it has a chance to blossom.

Yes.

Yeah. All right, well,

nice doing business with you.

I'm gonna go.

We felt a passion for each other
from the moment we met, no?

Oops! I should have known
you had Van Helsing blood in you

when I felt that tingling
in my most private of parts.

Great. I'm gonna...

- Ooh! Ooh!
- Oh.

Oh, my sweet, sweet Guillermo.

My attraction to you

is a manifestation
of a longing for my past life,

when I was a naughty,
dirty vampire.

But that's not who I am anymore.

Please tell me you understand.

- No hard feelings.
- Okay.

Now I'm gonna go,

- and you're gonna stay.
- Bye-bye.

Guillermo, can you find it
in your heart

to be just... friends with me?

Sure.

I could use a friend.

High five.

All right. Then what are
we waiting for, huh?!

- It's a good day.
- Where'd she get that from?

Let's get this old shit
out of here

and make a vampire nightclub!

What are you gonna
do with the hammer?

Yeah!

As you can see,
another patient cured

and returned
to perfect mental health.

Yes, she seems very well now,
doesn't she?

No charge.

Well done, my love.

Indeed.

She's gone.

What are we left with?

I have found the one.

We are engaged to be wed.

This is Marwa.

Hello. I am Marwa of Al Qolni...

I mean, it was obvious
all along.

You know, like, duh.

Would you excuse me
for one moment,

please, my little pomegranate?

Be right back.

I was lucky enough to have
the best education...

I always imagined my wife
with blonde hair.

...but my passion lied
in science and mathematics...

I think I was thinking
a little less platinum blonde,

little more, um, hint of red.

I am most proud
that my observations

- of Jupiter and Saturn...
- Hmm.

You know what? I think

I prefer it just as it was
in the beginning.

Using up a lot of wishes.

Yes, I know, but let's do it.

Nothing is too good
for my perfect wife.

I am very lucky to have a man
of such intellect

to share my life with.

Mm.

♪ Bu-Bu-Bu-Bublitchki ♪

♪ I promise you will be ♪

♪ My only love ♪

♪ So will you give to me ♪

♪ All of your bublitchki ♪

♪ The bu-bu-bublitchki ♪

♪ I'm dreaming of ♪

♪ I had a love, you see ♪

♪ Who gave me bublitchki ♪

♪ I fell in love with him ♪

♪ But he did not ♪

♪ He gave his all to me ♪

♪ All of his bublitchki ♪

♪ All of his bublitchki
is all I got ♪

♪ All of that bublitchki ♪

♪ Is all I got... ♪

♪ Hey! ♪