What We Do in the Shadows (2019–…): Season 3, Episode 10 - The Portrait - full transcript
The housemates grieve the loss of one of their own.
It's a really weird time
in the household
because Colin Robinson
is no longer with us.
I mean, vampires are
no strangers to death.
They deal with it every day
with the people that they kill.
But when they lose
one of their own,
they just don't know
how to deal with it.
I mean, their only
funeral-type tradition
is that they get
a new portrait made
with all of them except for
the newly deceased,
and I don't think that's
a really healthy way
of dealing with the loss
of a family member.
Perhaps we'd all like
to go around the room
and each one of say something
that we liked
about Colin Robinson?
Oh, leave us alone, Guillermo.
You're giving everyone
a big bummer.
When she's right, she's right.
Should he even be here?
I know.
I did think this was sort of
a "vampires only" portrait.
Hey, he is a valued member
of the team
and has every right
to be in this portrait.
Even though he is a dog.
I wasn't talking about the dog,
you halfwit,
I was talking about Gizmo.
Yes, well,
Gizmo needs to be here
to help control the Hellhound.
If they talked about
their feelings,
then the healing could begin.
Guillermo,
your Hellhound is
wandering around
and pissing all over
our floors.
And once they're healed,
they would realize that
the dynamic's a little off.
So maybe they need
to make a new vampire.
I-I just heard it,
and I know...
I know what you're thinking,
but I truly believe that
that's what's needed
to really restore--
And I deserve it.
♪ Don't sing if you want
to live long♪
♪ They have no use
for your song♪
♪ You're dead, you're dead,
you're dead♪
♪ You're dead
and out of this world♪
♪ Now your hope and compassion
is gone♪
♪ You sold out your dream
to the world♪
♪ Stay dead, stay dead,
stay dead♪
♪ You're dead
and out of this world.♪
♪
Yeah,
I took up painting
during season two
of Grounded for Life.
As an actor,
you spend a lot of time
sitting around your trailer,
waiting for them
to light the next scene
or whatnot,
so I got some brushes
and a how-to book from Blick,
and I think I've gotten
pretty good.
This is the cast of
Grounded for Life.
Oh, my God, Jake and Griffin
were so squirrely,
I was like,
"Look, here's the deal.
"I'm gonna take a picture,
and then you guys can fuck off
and do whatever
you want to do."
I finished the painting
from a photo, but you know,
that's the way a lot
of the masters work now.
This is the front gate
of Radford in Studio City.
I was really happy with
the way the light reflected
off the admin building
that day.
I think I really captured it.
This was a gaffer
I worked with onER.
The guy had just
such an amazing face,
I was just staring at it.
I was staring at it
when I was on camera,
which would get me in trouble,
you know?
But I think
I really got his essence.
So when the gang here said
that they needed
a new portrait done,
I said I'd be more than happy
to stick around and do it
because I had some downtime
between the next meeting of
the Worldwide Vampiric Council
and the two-episode arc
I booked on SVU next month.
You gotta remember
I came up with MTV in the '90s,
where they were like,
"Go shoot 15 hours
"of Jimmy the Cab Driver,
and then we'll figure out
where to stick it later,"
but when I got Grounded...
Oof.
This buhbutz is really
killing me.
I know.
Right? I mean,
I like the cinema,
but don't need to know
how the sausage is made.
Yeah, and it's kind of
insensitive.
I mean, we're all still
mourning the death
of Colin Robinson.
I'm not.
Well, that's what
I'm talking about.
We need to talk about that.
How you're feeling...
We don't need to talk
about anything.
We are having our picture
painted.
Then we will have a picture
that Colin Robinson is not in,
and we can forget about him
forever,
and this will heal us.
Why did we have to rush it?
The corpse has barely
begun to stink,
and we've got the Tao of Steve
painting our portrait.
Oh, here we go.
Nadja's masking her
true feelings with a joke.
That was not a joke.
A joke has a punchline.
And you wouldn't know
a punchline if it ran over
your scrotum with
a penny farthing!
Oh, I am sorry,
but that was a good one.
Also, I feast upon hate.
You know what?
Fuck this whole thing!
Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!
You're cool.
Fuck you, and fuck you!
Fuck all this shit!
Whoa.
You are not storming away
from me.
I am storming away from you,
but in a different direction!
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Fuck you.
You know what,
maybe we should just
take five, shake it off.
When he says "take five,"
five of what?
And where are we taking them?
This last year,
it has not been easy on me.
My search for love has
been stymied at every turn.
I'm a lesbian.
Are you sure?
Definitely sure.
Would you do me the honor
of being
my vampire bride?
I was married before.
I discovered that
there is no meaning or purpose
to the universe,
because of the Big Bang Theory.
And on top of all that,
the death of Colin Robinson--
it has, I must confess,
hit me quite hard.
Life is precious.
Even so-called eternal life
can be snuffed out
at a moment's notice.
Colin Robinson's head imploding
into a pile of goo
has made me realize that I need
to make the most of my life.
Which is why I've decided
to leave Staten Island
and travel the world.
What?
Visit the Great Fjords of
whatever country they're in.
Get a job on one of those boats
that collect plastic
from the ocean.
What the hell
are you talking about?
Guillermo, did I not tell you
all this already?
No.
Sorry. Would you mind giving
us a moment?
Sorry.
Can you just give us
one minute?
Thank you so much.
Appreciate it.
Careful with the rug.
You can't make any rational
decisions right now
because you're dealing
with Colin Robinson's death
and you're running away
from your feelings.
Yeah. So what?
I hate my feelings.
You know what, this plan,
it sounds great out loud,
but I-I, I just can't drop
everything that I'm doing.
I have duties, you know.
Responsibilities.
Like, my mom is here.
I can't just pack a bag
and go on a world tour with you
at the drop of a hat.
You're not coming with me.
What?
You are one of the things
I need to get away from
to make a fresh start.
No offense.
Okay, well,
how you gonna travel?
Just by night?
You're just gonna carry
your ancestral dirt with you
and your coffin wherever you go?
That-that's insane.
Yes, you're right.
There's a lot of details
to figure out.
And you are going
to figure them out for me.
Oh, surprise, surprise.
As your last duty.
My sweet, sweet Guillermo.
You don't understand because?
I'm not a vampire.
Yes! Trust me,
Nadja and Laszlo,
they are itching to get away.
These vampire pods,
they don't last forever.
And I'm not gonna be
the last one in here
all alone like a fucking loser.
I would rather not talk
about the death
of Shmolin Shmobinson
because my dear husband Laszlo
is having a bit of
a hard time dealing with it.
What are you talking about?
I said you were having
a hard time dealing
with Colin Robinson's very
disgusting and tragic death.
Well, that would be bullshit,
then, wouldn't it, my darling?
I couldn't give a tinker's fig.
People die all the time.
Animals die, plants die.
Oh, Gizmo, it's just you.
It's kind of important.
Can't you see I'm doing my
talking-to-the-camera thing?
I'm busy. Shoo!
...by lunchtime I was
in the whorehouse
with two prostitutes
and three good-time boys.
Hold on, I've just had
the best idea.
I think I might know
just the thing
to cheer you up, my love.
I don't need cheering up.
How's about me and you
take a lovely little trip
back to merry old England?
No.
We could get a red bus
and make love in it.
We could get a black cab
and make love in it.
We could go to Madame Tussaud's
and look around.
If I were to need
rest and recuperation
for my dear friend's death,
that fuck hole would be
the last place on Earth
that I would choose
to go back to.
You know this.
I made a precious vow
never to go back there again.
Laszlo! Ugh!
United Kingdom?
United Ding-dong, more like.
Nadja, Nadja,
I really need your help.
It's about Nandor.
I suppose we just wait.
I don't know.
We have a problem.
You are not the only one
with problems, Gizmo!
Look at you.
"Oh, everyone feel sorry for me
"'cause I'm a pathetic human,
"and I can't fly,
and all I do is
sit on the toilet all day."
Well, what about my needs?
Look. Look at this.
Uh, that's not how that works.
Oh, you do it!
Okay.
This is a glass paperweight,
and this is the TV control.
We push this in...
Patronizing.
...and play.
This is not taping over
RuPaul, is it?
No, no.
'Cause I haven't seen
the latest episode.
It's a fresh...
Okay, good. What?
We're recording.
Oh. Ahem.
Dark greetings,
Nadja of Antipaxos.
You must know by now
that I've had my eye on you
for quite some time.
Your work on your local
Vampiric Council
has been quite impressive.
Yas, queen.
Everyone is going on about it.
And thus, we would be delighted
for you to join us
in London, in England,
where you will take a position
that ranks amongst
the highest of all worldwide
Vampiric Council positions.
We do hope you'll accept
this offer promptly,
because as you know,
vampires hate waiting.
Even though we're immortal,
waiting is just still a thing.
So, if you accept,
as fast as you can,
tape your acceptance speech
on a VHS tape, and then
put it in an envelope
and send it by mail,
and eventually
it'll get to us.
This is your last ch...
You're thinking of leaving, too?
Of course I want to leave.
It is such a great honor
and opportunity,
and I would have a chance
to finally do something
with my stupid eternal life.
But it is not to be.
Good.
What?!
I mean, uh, why?
Because Laszlo will never
go back to England.
You heard him.
He has sworn it.
But I cannot leave him
on his own.
You know, I went on holiday
for two weeks in 1924,
and when I got back,
he hadn't fed himself once.
He spent all his time writing
poetry and wanking.
So, no, I can't go.
So you're saying
if Laszlo doesn't go,
then you certainly won't go?
I literally just
said that to you.
I know it seems like
I'm panicking,
but I'm not panicking.
It's just that I'm afraid
it's like a party; as soon as
one person leaves the party,
another person decides it's okay
for them to leave the party,
and before you know it,
the whole party's over.
And you devoted 12 years
of your life
to a certain type of party,
and it's not gonna end
like this!
Sorry.
Hey...
Sorry, I didn't mean
to startle you,
I just had a question.
If this has anything to do
with the fact that
I won't let anybody touch
Colin Robinson's body,
yet I myself have not been
down to the basement
to pay my respects,
I can answer that.
There's nothing down there.
Only a bag of skin.
Plus I find that kind of
sentimental gesture
fucking tawdry.
No, no, that wasn't it.
I wasn't--
No, it was just a random
question that I was--
What do you think about England?
Is it a cool place to live?
No, it is absolutely not
a cool place to live.
Why not?
You want to know a story about
England and the English way?
Yeah.
I used to be a member
of a club.
The Sherwood Club of London.
My father was a member of a club
called the Sherwood Club
of London.
His father was a member
of a club
called the Sherwood Club
of London.
You get where I'm going
with this?
I think so.
Anyway, treachery was afoot,
and I was expelled
from the Sherwood Club
of London.
The decision was unanimous.
So I left the UK and came here,
to the New World.
To the land of opportunity,
where men--
and, I'm told, some women--
can be kings
of their own castle.
Where industrialists can rub
shoulders with chimney sweeps.
My late friend Walt Whitman
said to me,
"You'd better put
that away, Laszlo..."
So you're saying
you would never, ever
go back to England.
Yes, I am.
I would never, ever,
ever, ever, ever
go back to England.
Well, there you have it.
Oh.
There's the bell.
Five minutes, vamps.
Time to get back
to the portrait.
Tell him to fuck off.
I'm busy here.
All right.
Plus, that conversation
about my homeland
has given me the pip.
Of course.
I shall need ten minutes
to recover.
Hel-lo.
Your English is
coming along nicely.
Hey, guys.
Hey.
Hey...
You see?
You have made progress.
I have to remind myself
that vampires always make
these grandiose plans,
but they never see them through.
Everything's gonna be A-ok...
It's a map.
It's a cape.
It's a mape!
I'll tell you what,
world travel looks good
on you, Nandor.
Thank you.
Oh, hi, Guillermo. Good news.
She is an expert on
international vampire travel.
It's true. I book all the trips
for the Vampiric Council.
Really the only fun part
of my job.
Yes.
Anyway, we figured out
all the details
so you don't have to
worry about a thing.
No.
I mean, I don't think
you've thought of everything.
I mean, what about...
The coffin? Super easy.
All you need is international
bill of lading,
and that's kind of it.
Really?
Here's a tip.
Yes?
Put your ancestral soil
in your Jansport
so it's always on your back, and
you can just lie down anywhere.
What's a Jansport?
It's a backpack.
It's a backpack.
It's a very popular backpack.
It's a children's backpack.
That's smart.
That's very smart.
Anyone could have
thought of that.
Let's celebrate.
Master, listen to me.
Nadja and Laszlo
aren't leaving after all.
So you don't have to worry
about being all by yourself.
But I'm excited
for this trip now.
It's gonna be a real eat,
prey, love kind journey for me.
What do you mean?
You're gonna pray?
Well, how am I gonna eat if
I don't prey on people, dummy?
Now, you must travel
by railway and always at night.
It's the only way
to stay safe.
Plus, it's usually much cheaper.
Oh, I'm so excited.
I cannot wait to see
all the wonders of the world.
The Colossus of Rhodes.
The Hanging Gardens
of Babylon.
The beautiful unmarred face
of the Sphinx.
Ah, cheers to that!
We should finish our portrait.
Come on, everybody!
Shall we?
Absolutely.
And there are so many
wonderful vampire hosts
I can hook you up with.
Oh, please.
You know, you spend
your whole life wanting
to shoot in New York;
Brooklyn in this case.
We were at Steiner Studios.
And then you find yourself
so far from your family,
it gets kind of lonely.
I have to say something.
I'm sorry, Donal Logue.
Quite all right.
I know that we're all
a little bit shaken up
by the death of Colin Robinson.
Speak for yourself.
I'm as dry as a nun's doodah.
Well, regardless,
we have to remember
that there's the family
that you're born into,
and then there's
your chosen family.
That's what we are.
We're a chosen family,
and it's a rare thing...
I've been offered
a job in England,
and I want to move there!
Whoo-hoo!
Over my dead body.
Well, it seems everyone's
getting into it now.
I have decided to leave
the island of Staten,
travel the world and
rediscover my groove.
You are so selfish, Laszlo!
She's right.
I made a vow never to return
to that cack house
ever, ever again.
But why?
You know why.
The British are a pack of
classist wankers.
Here, here.
And those fuckers
expelled me
from the Sherwood...
From the Sherwood Club.
Yes, I know. You have told me
so many times.
Yeah, I've told you
so many times,
but I've never told you why.
And now I will.
I always thought
it was because of
all the whores and the whoring.
They don't give a fuck about
whores and whoring, my darling.
They didn't even care
that I was a vampire.
What they did object to,
however, was the fact
that I fell in love
and eventually married
the most beautiful,
simple girl.
A girl with no surname,
no social standing.
They actually called her
a peasant girl.
A girl from a tiny village
on a dirt island
in the Mediterranean.
That girl is the most
beautiful girl
I have ever known.
That girl's name--
yes, my darling--
Is my name?
Is your name. Nadja.
Oh, snap.
Snap, indeed, Donal.
But, my dark baby,
I will be returning to England
to assume a position
on the Supreme Vampiric Council.
Wait, what?
We would be going back
as the tip of the tops
of the upper classes.
Really?
Yeah.
Well, that changes pretty much
fucking everything.
Count me in.
No, no, Laszlo,
You made a lifelong vow
to never go back
to that shithole, remember?
Didn't you hear what
she just said?
We're gonna rule
the fucking place.
Rule Britannia!
Oh, okay, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Now I'm ready.
Now I am ready.
So romantic. Great!
Oh, yeah, get some.
It is decided, we will all
move on from this place
and regroup elsewhere.
Yes. Whoo-hoo!
I think we should all
just take a second, breathe.
You know,
just take a deep breath.
And, I mean, the portrait's
not even done, so we could...
No, it's almost done.
What?
And that's that.
So, you're all free
to go about doing
whatever the hell it was
you were doing before.
Plus, I just got a text
from my agent
that I have to do a self-tape
for a CBS pilot,
so Logue out.
Always a drama with
this little rascal.
I will fix.
You know, usually when
someone is upset,
they go to their own room,
but I understand why
you would come to my room,
as it is a far superior
room to yours.
Which probably makes you feel
even more depressed.
Is this your attempt
at cheering me up?
Guillermo...
You want us to go through this
one more time? Hmm?
It is a very dangerous world
out there.
You're joking, right? It's me
who's been protecting you!
So what, you shooed away some
assassins; who gives a shit?
If it wasn't for me,
you would be dead by now.
If not by assassins
then by my very own hands
because I am,
and I will remind you,
by birth and lineage,
a vampire killer.
And the only reason
you're alive is because...
I let you live.
What did you just say?
I said, the only reason
you're alive
is because I
let you live.
My poor, dear thing.
You forgot that
we hypnotized you
to make it physically impossible
for you to harm me
or any or your masters.
Do you remember that? Hmm?
No, because we used hypnosis.
Hypnosis doesn't work on me.
I just let you think it did
so you wouldn't feel weak.
I never feel weak,
my furry little friend!
No, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Master, your-your sword
needs polishing.
It does?
Hey!
Plancha!
Don't you dare!
Ow.
Once a familiar,
always a familiar!
Uh-uh-uh.
You almost hit John!
Yes, yes, finally.
This is what
I've been waiting for.
What?
Put the crucifix away,
Guillermo.
You have passed the test.
What test?
I have been worried that you
have been going a little soft.
But tonight, you have
proved to me finally
that you can take care
of yourself.
And more importantly,
you can take care of me.
Guillermo de la Cruz,
will you do me the honor...
of accompanying me on my journey
around the world?
If you're scared of me
right now...
If you accompany me
on this journey,
when we arrive at the banks
of the River Tigris
in my homeland of Al-Qolnadar,
you will take a knee,
and I will make you...
:
a vampire.
Really?
My word
is my bond.
Then yes. Yes, of course
I'll go with you, Master.
There will be plenty of time
for that kind of thing.
Right.
Well...
you should go,
start making arrangements.
Yes.
Let our great journey commence!
That little fucker can
really move when he wants to.
Yeah, I'm gonna miss
this house, but...
definitely won't miss
cleaning it.
It'll be sad to say bye
to Nadja and Laszlo.
They're off
on a big adventure now,
so I'm really happy for them.
Don't you even fucking dare!
But the real thing
I'm looking forward to is...
traveling the whole world
with my Nand-- master.
Just the two of us.
Master.
Yes?
You need to hurry up.
I still have to help
Nadja and Laszlo load
their coffin into the boat.
And then you and I are catching
a midnight train.
Why are you helping them when my
ancestral soil needs scooping?
Because it's the last time
I can say goodbye to them.
I thought you'd understand.
Oh, Guillermo.
Fine, I will allow it.
But don't think for one second
I'll be getting into the habit
of scooping my own soil.
No, of course not.
Oh. Can you take my luggage
to the train station?
I don't want to carry it
to the dock
and then have
to carry it back...
Hey! What,
am I working for you now?
I'm kidding, Guillermo.
I will take your bag for you.
Okay, gracias.
Knock, knock,
Mr. Relentless.
Hi.
Hello.
I just wanted to say goodbye.
Thank you.
I got you a little card.
"Bon voyage."
Those are
the wraiths' signatures.
Oh.
Some of them
don't know how to write,
and others once did
but have long since forgotten,
so I just dipped
their claws in ink
and let them go at it.
Smart.
Thank you.
Should we hug now, or...?
I think it would be too much.
Okay.
Nandor, I have come
to bid you adieu.
You are a vampire
I have known for a while now,
and now our time together
has ended.
Cheers! Bye! Ha!
Nadja, Laszlo, vámonos!
We have to go!
Don't you dare shout at me,
Guillermo!
I could suck out
all of your bodily fluids
in less than two seconds.
Not gonna miss that.
Laszlo?
Where are you?
It's time to get to...
Oh.
What were you doing
in the basement, my dear?
Nothing. Just taking care
of some business.
Oh, my sweet love.
Were you finally saying goodbye
to the decaying corpse
of your very dead friend
Colin Robinson?
Something like that.
Are you okay?
Do you need a bit more time?
Not at all. I feel fine.
Let's rock and roll.
We're missing
three boxes of porn.
♪
Whoo-hoo! Guillermo, my things.
Coming.
Ah, smell the sea.
I do love a journey.
And I went ahead and downloaded
all the seasons
of RuPaul's Drag Race.
Thank you very much, Guillermo.
It has been... nice.
Yeah.
My darling, I will see you
when we are kissing the ground
of your native land
and make love on the bones
of those who scorned you.
Safe passage, my darling.
Are you in?
Yes. Lock me up.
Right. Now, come on,
don't fuck about, get that in.
Why do you have water and food
if you can't even eat it?
It's Oreos and Pedialyte.
This stuff's worth its weight
in gold where I come from.
I can barter that
and get anything I want.
Makes sense. Well, this is it.
Indeed.
All right.
Yeah.
Okay.
Right.
Safe fare.
You, too.
It's a lot of Oreos.
Make sure
you look after my wife.
What? Aah! No! No, no, no, no!
No, no, no!
What the fuck?! Master!
Wait for me!
Help! Let me out!
Let me out, Laszlo!
Laszlo, please don't!
Hello! Hello?
Hey...
All aboard!
Guillermo...!
You coming or staying?
♪
My dearest Nadja,
you must be deucedly cross
with me for my subterfuge.
But you have Gizmo at your side,
if he has not expired
or drowned in his own filth
during
the transatlantic crossing.
I did cut a small hole
in the bottom of the coffin,
so if he is
either accurate or persistent,
he should be fine.
But I digress.
Guillermo is
a damn good bodyguard.
He will keep you safe.
But the truth is, my darling,
you don't need anyone
to keep you safe.
Okay, so,
this is my trinkets case.
Over these past
200 or 300 years,
Hurry up!
you have grown into a strong,
bold, independent woman
of the world.
It is a strange and dangerous
netherworld we inhabit,
and I once thought you
too weak and defenseless
to navigate it on your own,
and that you needed me about
at all times
to take care of you.
But that is no longer true,
were it ever so.
Um...
safe passage, Colin Robinson.
Not much more to say.
What's that...
Oh, my...
What the fuck?
What?
-Shit.
-There are, it seems,
others in our world...
What's this shit?
...whose future
is far less certain,
whose existence
is even more terrifying
and mysterious than our own...
...who actually are weak
and defenseless,
who need protection and care.
Hello?
Shit.
♪ Our love is young♪
♪ It shines so bright♪
♪ Don't ever let♪
♪ It vanish♪
♪ In the night♪
♪ Don't wake too soon♪
And a little to the right.
Almost.
A little more to the right.
Just squaring it up.
And a little to...
♪ Our love is young♪
♪ Like a bird♪
♪ It hovers near us♪
♪ Tread with care♪
♪ Lest it should hear us♪
♪ Seize it now♪
♪ Before it flies away♪
♪ Don't let it go♪
♪ Our love is young♪
♪ So very young.♪
in the household
because Colin Robinson
is no longer with us.
I mean, vampires are
no strangers to death.
They deal with it every day
with the people that they kill.
But when they lose
one of their own,
they just don't know
how to deal with it.
I mean, their only
funeral-type tradition
is that they get
a new portrait made
with all of them except for
the newly deceased,
and I don't think that's
a really healthy way
of dealing with the loss
of a family member.
Perhaps we'd all like
to go around the room
and each one of say something
that we liked
about Colin Robinson?
Oh, leave us alone, Guillermo.
You're giving everyone
a big bummer.
When she's right, she's right.
Should he even be here?
I know.
I did think this was sort of
a "vampires only" portrait.
Hey, he is a valued member
of the team
and has every right
to be in this portrait.
Even though he is a dog.
I wasn't talking about the dog,
you halfwit,
I was talking about Gizmo.
Yes, well,
Gizmo needs to be here
to help control the Hellhound.
If they talked about
their feelings,
then the healing could begin.
Guillermo,
your Hellhound is
wandering around
and pissing all over
our floors.
And once they're healed,
they would realize that
the dynamic's a little off.
So maybe they need
to make a new vampire.
I-I just heard it,
and I know...
I know what you're thinking,
but I truly believe that
that's what's needed
to really restore--
And I deserve it.
♪ Don't sing if you want
to live long♪
♪ They have no use
for your song♪
♪ You're dead, you're dead,
you're dead♪
♪ You're dead
and out of this world♪
♪ Now your hope and compassion
is gone♪
♪ You sold out your dream
to the world♪
♪ Stay dead, stay dead,
stay dead♪
♪ You're dead
and out of this world.♪
♪
Yeah,
I took up painting
during season two
of Grounded for Life.
As an actor,
you spend a lot of time
sitting around your trailer,
waiting for them
to light the next scene
or whatnot,
so I got some brushes
and a how-to book from Blick,
and I think I've gotten
pretty good.
This is the cast of
Grounded for Life.
Oh, my God, Jake and Griffin
were so squirrely,
I was like,
"Look, here's the deal.
"I'm gonna take a picture,
and then you guys can fuck off
and do whatever
you want to do."
I finished the painting
from a photo, but you know,
that's the way a lot
of the masters work now.
This is the front gate
of Radford in Studio City.
I was really happy with
the way the light reflected
off the admin building
that day.
I think I really captured it.
This was a gaffer
I worked with onER.
The guy had just
such an amazing face,
I was just staring at it.
I was staring at it
when I was on camera,
which would get me in trouble,
you know?
But I think
I really got his essence.
So when the gang here said
that they needed
a new portrait done,
I said I'd be more than happy
to stick around and do it
because I had some downtime
between the next meeting of
the Worldwide Vampiric Council
and the two-episode arc
I booked on SVU next month.
You gotta remember
I came up with MTV in the '90s,
where they were like,
"Go shoot 15 hours
"of Jimmy the Cab Driver,
and then we'll figure out
where to stick it later,"
but when I got Grounded...
Oof.
This buhbutz is really
killing me.
I know.
Right? I mean,
I like the cinema,
but don't need to know
how the sausage is made.
Yeah, and it's kind of
insensitive.
I mean, we're all still
mourning the death
of Colin Robinson.
I'm not.
Well, that's what
I'm talking about.
We need to talk about that.
How you're feeling...
We don't need to talk
about anything.
We are having our picture
painted.
Then we will have a picture
that Colin Robinson is not in,
and we can forget about him
forever,
and this will heal us.
Why did we have to rush it?
The corpse has barely
begun to stink,
and we've got the Tao of Steve
painting our portrait.
Oh, here we go.
Nadja's masking her
true feelings with a joke.
That was not a joke.
A joke has a punchline.
And you wouldn't know
a punchline if it ran over
your scrotum with
a penny farthing!
Oh, I am sorry,
but that was a good one.
Also, I feast upon hate.
You know what?
Fuck this whole thing!
Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!
You're cool.
Fuck you, and fuck you!
Fuck all this shit!
Whoa.
You are not storming away
from me.
I am storming away from you,
but in a different direction!
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Fuck you.
You know what,
maybe we should just
take five, shake it off.
When he says "take five,"
five of what?
And where are we taking them?
This last year,
it has not been easy on me.
My search for love has
been stymied at every turn.
I'm a lesbian.
Are you sure?
Definitely sure.
Would you do me the honor
of being
my vampire bride?
I was married before.
I discovered that
there is no meaning or purpose
to the universe,
because of the Big Bang Theory.
And on top of all that,
the death of Colin Robinson--
it has, I must confess,
hit me quite hard.
Life is precious.
Even so-called eternal life
can be snuffed out
at a moment's notice.
Colin Robinson's head imploding
into a pile of goo
has made me realize that I need
to make the most of my life.
Which is why I've decided
to leave Staten Island
and travel the world.
What?
Visit the Great Fjords of
whatever country they're in.
Get a job on one of those boats
that collect plastic
from the ocean.
What the hell
are you talking about?
Guillermo, did I not tell you
all this already?
No.
Sorry. Would you mind giving
us a moment?
Sorry.
Can you just give us
one minute?
Thank you so much.
Appreciate it.
Careful with the rug.
You can't make any rational
decisions right now
because you're dealing
with Colin Robinson's death
and you're running away
from your feelings.
Yeah. So what?
I hate my feelings.
You know what, this plan,
it sounds great out loud,
but I-I, I just can't drop
everything that I'm doing.
I have duties, you know.
Responsibilities.
Like, my mom is here.
I can't just pack a bag
and go on a world tour with you
at the drop of a hat.
You're not coming with me.
What?
You are one of the things
I need to get away from
to make a fresh start.
No offense.
Okay, well,
how you gonna travel?
Just by night?
You're just gonna carry
your ancestral dirt with you
and your coffin wherever you go?
That-that's insane.
Yes, you're right.
There's a lot of details
to figure out.
And you are going
to figure them out for me.
Oh, surprise, surprise.
As your last duty.
My sweet, sweet Guillermo.
You don't understand because?
I'm not a vampire.
Yes! Trust me,
Nadja and Laszlo,
they are itching to get away.
These vampire pods,
they don't last forever.
And I'm not gonna be
the last one in here
all alone like a fucking loser.
I would rather not talk
about the death
of Shmolin Shmobinson
because my dear husband Laszlo
is having a bit of
a hard time dealing with it.
What are you talking about?
I said you were having
a hard time dealing
with Colin Robinson's very
disgusting and tragic death.
Well, that would be bullshit,
then, wouldn't it, my darling?
I couldn't give a tinker's fig.
People die all the time.
Animals die, plants die.
Oh, Gizmo, it's just you.
It's kind of important.
Can't you see I'm doing my
talking-to-the-camera thing?
I'm busy. Shoo!
...by lunchtime I was
in the whorehouse
with two prostitutes
and three good-time boys.
Hold on, I've just had
the best idea.
I think I might know
just the thing
to cheer you up, my love.
I don't need cheering up.
How's about me and you
take a lovely little trip
back to merry old England?
No.
We could get a red bus
and make love in it.
We could get a black cab
and make love in it.
We could go to Madame Tussaud's
and look around.
If I were to need
rest and recuperation
for my dear friend's death,
that fuck hole would be
the last place on Earth
that I would choose
to go back to.
You know this.
I made a precious vow
never to go back there again.
Laszlo! Ugh!
United Kingdom?
United Ding-dong, more like.
Nadja, Nadja,
I really need your help.
It's about Nandor.
I suppose we just wait.
I don't know.
We have a problem.
You are not the only one
with problems, Gizmo!
Look at you.
"Oh, everyone feel sorry for me
"'cause I'm a pathetic human,
"and I can't fly,
and all I do is
sit on the toilet all day."
Well, what about my needs?
Look. Look at this.
Uh, that's not how that works.
Oh, you do it!
Okay.
This is a glass paperweight,
and this is the TV control.
We push this in...
Patronizing.
...and play.
This is not taping over
RuPaul, is it?
No, no.
'Cause I haven't seen
the latest episode.
It's a fresh...
Okay, good. What?
We're recording.
Oh. Ahem.
Dark greetings,
Nadja of Antipaxos.
You must know by now
that I've had my eye on you
for quite some time.
Your work on your local
Vampiric Council
has been quite impressive.
Yas, queen.
Everyone is going on about it.
And thus, we would be delighted
for you to join us
in London, in England,
where you will take a position
that ranks amongst
the highest of all worldwide
Vampiric Council positions.
We do hope you'll accept
this offer promptly,
because as you know,
vampires hate waiting.
Even though we're immortal,
waiting is just still a thing.
So, if you accept,
as fast as you can,
tape your acceptance speech
on a VHS tape, and then
put it in an envelope
and send it by mail,
and eventually
it'll get to us.
This is your last ch...
You're thinking of leaving, too?
Of course I want to leave.
It is such a great honor
and opportunity,
and I would have a chance
to finally do something
with my stupid eternal life.
But it is not to be.
Good.
What?!
I mean, uh, why?
Because Laszlo will never
go back to England.
You heard him.
He has sworn it.
But I cannot leave him
on his own.
You know, I went on holiday
for two weeks in 1924,
and when I got back,
he hadn't fed himself once.
He spent all his time writing
poetry and wanking.
So, no, I can't go.
So you're saying
if Laszlo doesn't go,
then you certainly won't go?
I literally just
said that to you.
I know it seems like
I'm panicking,
but I'm not panicking.
It's just that I'm afraid
it's like a party; as soon as
one person leaves the party,
another person decides it's okay
for them to leave the party,
and before you know it,
the whole party's over.
And you devoted 12 years
of your life
to a certain type of party,
and it's not gonna end
like this!
Sorry.
Hey...
Sorry, I didn't mean
to startle you,
I just had a question.
If this has anything to do
with the fact that
I won't let anybody touch
Colin Robinson's body,
yet I myself have not been
down to the basement
to pay my respects,
I can answer that.
There's nothing down there.
Only a bag of skin.
Plus I find that kind of
sentimental gesture
fucking tawdry.
No, no, that wasn't it.
I wasn't--
No, it was just a random
question that I was--
What do you think about England?
Is it a cool place to live?
No, it is absolutely not
a cool place to live.
Why not?
You want to know a story about
England and the English way?
Yeah.
I used to be a member
of a club.
The Sherwood Club of London.
My father was a member of a club
called the Sherwood Club
of London.
His father was a member
of a club
called the Sherwood Club
of London.
You get where I'm going
with this?
I think so.
Anyway, treachery was afoot,
and I was expelled
from the Sherwood Club
of London.
The decision was unanimous.
So I left the UK and came here,
to the New World.
To the land of opportunity,
where men--
and, I'm told, some women--
can be kings
of their own castle.
Where industrialists can rub
shoulders with chimney sweeps.
My late friend Walt Whitman
said to me,
"You'd better put
that away, Laszlo..."
So you're saying
you would never, ever
go back to England.
Yes, I am.
I would never, ever,
ever, ever, ever
go back to England.
Well, there you have it.
Oh.
There's the bell.
Five minutes, vamps.
Time to get back
to the portrait.
Tell him to fuck off.
I'm busy here.
All right.
Plus, that conversation
about my homeland
has given me the pip.
Of course.
I shall need ten minutes
to recover.
Hel-lo.
Your English is
coming along nicely.
Hey, guys.
Hey.
Hey...
You see?
You have made progress.
I have to remind myself
that vampires always make
these grandiose plans,
but they never see them through.
Everything's gonna be A-ok...
It's a map.
It's a cape.
It's a mape!
I'll tell you what,
world travel looks good
on you, Nandor.
Thank you.
Oh, hi, Guillermo. Good news.
She is an expert on
international vampire travel.
It's true. I book all the trips
for the Vampiric Council.
Really the only fun part
of my job.
Yes.
Anyway, we figured out
all the details
so you don't have to
worry about a thing.
No.
I mean, I don't think
you've thought of everything.
I mean, what about...
The coffin? Super easy.
All you need is international
bill of lading,
and that's kind of it.
Really?
Here's a tip.
Yes?
Put your ancestral soil
in your Jansport
so it's always on your back, and
you can just lie down anywhere.
What's a Jansport?
It's a backpack.
It's a backpack.
It's a very popular backpack.
It's a children's backpack.
That's smart.
That's very smart.
Anyone could have
thought of that.
Let's celebrate.
Master, listen to me.
Nadja and Laszlo
aren't leaving after all.
So you don't have to worry
about being all by yourself.
But I'm excited
for this trip now.
It's gonna be a real eat,
prey, love kind journey for me.
What do you mean?
You're gonna pray?
Well, how am I gonna eat if
I don't prey on people, dummy?
Now, you must travel
by railway and always at night.
It's the only way
to stay safe.
Plus, it's usually much cheaper.
Oh, I'm so excited.
I cannot wait to see
all the wonders of the world.
The Colossus of Rhodes.
The Hanging Gardens
of Babylon.
The beautiful unmarred face
of the Sphinx.
Ah, cheers to that!
We should finish our portrait.
Come on, everybody!
Shall we?
Absolutely.
And there are so many
wonderful vampire hosts
I can hook you up with.
Oh, please.
You know, you spend
your whole life wanting
to shoot in New York;
Brooklyn in this case.
We were at Steiner Studios.
And then you find yourself
so far from your family,
it gets kind of lonely.
I have to say something.
I'm sorry, Donal Logue.
Quite all right.
I know that we're all
a little bit shaken up
by the death of Colin Robinson.
Speak for yourself.
I'm as dry as a nun's doodah.
Well, regardless,
we have to remember
that there's the family
that you're born into,
and then there's
your chosen family.
That's what we are.
We're a chosen family,
and it's a rare thing...
I've been offered
a job in England,
and I want to move there!
Whoo-hoo!
Over my dead body.
Well, it seems everyone's
getting into it now.
I have decided to leave
the island of Staten,
travel the world and
rediscover my groove.
You are so selfish, Laszlo!
She's right.
I made a vow never to return
to that cack house
ever, ever again.
But why?
You know why.
The British are a pack of
classist wankers.
Here, here.
And those fuckers
expelled me
from the Sherwood...
From the Sherwood Club.
Yes, I know. You have told me
so many times.
Yeah, I've told you
so many times,
but I've never told you why.
And now I will.
I always thought
it was because of
all the whores and the whoring.
They don't give a fuck about
whores and whoring, my darling.
They didn't even care
that I was a vampire.
What they did object to,
however, was the fact
that I fell in love
and eventually married
the most beautiful,
simple girl.
A girl with no surname,
no social standing.
They actually called her
a peasant girl.
A girl from a tiny village
on a dirt island
in the Mediterranean.
That girl is the most
beautiful girl
I have ever known.
That girl's name--
yes, my darling--
Is my name?
Is your name. Nadja.
Oh, snap.
Snap, indeed, Donal.
But, my dark baby,
I will be returning to England
to assume a position
on the Supreme Vampiric Council.
Wait, what?
We would be going back
as the tip of the tops
of the upper classes.
Really?
Yeah.
Well, that changes pretty much
fucking everything.
Count me in.
No, no, Laszlo,
You made a lifelong vow
to never go back
to that shithole, remember?
Didn't you hear what
she just said?
We're gonna rule
the fucking place.
Rule Britannia!
Oh, okay, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Now I'm ready.
Now I am ready.
So romantic. Great!
Oh, yeah, get some.
It is decided, we will all
move on from this place
and regroup elsewhere.
Yes. Whoo-hoo!
I think we should all
just take a second, breathe.
You know,
just take a deep breath.
And, I mean, the portrait's
not even done, so we could...
No, it's almost done.
What?
And that's that.
So, you're all free
to go about doing
whatever the hell it was
you were doing before.
Plus, I just got a text
from my agent
that I have to do a self-tape
for a CBS pilot,
so Logue out.
Always a drama with
this little rascal.
I will fix.
You know, usually when
someone is upset,
they go to their own room,
but I understand why
you would come to my room,
as it is a far superior
room to yours.
Which probably makes you feel
even more depressed.
Is this your attempt
at cheering me up?
Guillermo...
You want us to go through this
one more time? Hmm?
It is a very dangerous world
out there.
You're joking, right? It's me
who's been protecting you!
So what, you shooed away some
assassins; who gives a shit?
If it wasn't for me,
you would be dead by now.
If not by assassins
then by my very own hands
because I am,
and I will remind you,
by birth and lineage,
a vampire killer.
And the only reason
you're alive is because...
I let you live.
What did you just say?
I said, the only reason
you're alive
is because I
let you live.
My poor, dear thing.
You forgot that
we hypnotized you
to make it physically impossible
for you to harm me
or any or your masters.
Do you remember that? Hmm?
No, because we used hypnosis.
Hypnosis doesn't work on me.
I just let you think it did
so you wouldn't feel weak.
I never feel weak,
my furry little friend!
No, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Master, your-your sword
needs polishing.
It does?
Hey!
Plancha!
Don't you dare!
Ow.
Once a familiar,
always a familiar!
Uh-uh-uh.
You almost hit John!
Yes, yes, finally.
This is what
I've been waiting for.
What?
Put the crucifix away,
Guillermo.
You have passed the test.
What test?
I have been worried that you
have been going a little soft.
But tonight, you have
proved to me finally
that you can take care
of yourself.
And more importantly,
you can take care of me.
Guillermo de la Cruz,
will you do me the honor...
of accompanying me on my journey
around the world?
If you're scared of me
right now...
If you accompany me
on this journey,
when we arrive at the banks
of the River Tigris
in my homeland of Al-Qolnadar,
you will take a knee,
and I will make you...
:
a vampire.
Really?
My word
is my bond.
Then yes. Yes, of course
I'll go with you, Master.
There will be plenty of time
for that kind of thing.
Right.
Well...
you should go,
start making arrangements.
Yes.
Let our great journey commence!
That little fucker can
really move when he wants to.
Yeah, I'm gonna miss
this house, but...
definitely won't miss
cleaning it.
It'll be sad to say bye
to Nadja and Laszlo.
They're off
on a big adventure now,
so I'm really happy for them.
Don't you even fucking dare!
But the real thing
I'm looking forward to is...
traveling the whole world
with my Nand-- master.
Just the two of us.
Master.
Yes?
You need to hurry up.
I still have to help
Nadja and Laszlo load
their coffin into the boat.
And then you and I are catching
a midnight train.
Why are you helping them when my
ancestral soil needs scooping?
Because it's the last time
I can say goodbye to them.
I thought you'd understand.
Oh, Guillermo.
Fine, I will allow it.
But don't think for one second
I'll be getting into the habit
of scooping my own soil.
No, of course not.
Oh. Can you take my luggage
to the train station?
I don't want to carry it
to the dock
and then have
to carry it back...
Hey! What,
am I working for you now?
I'm kidding, Guillermo.
I will take your bag for you.
Okay, gracias.
Knock, knock,
Mr. Relentless.
Hi.
Hello.
I just wanted to say goodbye.
Thank you.
I got you a little card.
"Bon voyage."
Those are
the wraiths' signatures.
Oh.
Some of them
don't know how to write,
and others once did
but have long since forgotten,
so I just dipped
their claws in ink
and let them go at it.
Smart.
Thank you.
Should we hug now, or...?
I think it would be too much.
Okay.
Nandor, I have come
to bid you adieu.
You are a vampire
I have known for a while now,
and now our time together
has ended.
Cheers! Bye! Ha!
Nadja, Laszlo, vámonos!
We have to go!
Don't you dare shout at me,
Guillermo!
I could suck out
all of your bodily fluids
in less than two seconds.
Not gonna miss that.
Laszlo?
Where are you?
It's time to get to...
Oh.
What were you doing
in the basement, my dear?
Nothing. Just taking care
of some business.
Oh, my sweet love.
Were you finally saying goodbye
to the decaying corpse
of your very dead friend
Colin Robinson?
Something like that.
Are you okay?
Do you need a bit more time?
Not at all. I feel fine.
Let's rock and roll.
We're missing
three boxes of porn.
♪
Whoo-hoo! Guillermo, my things.
Coming.
Ah, smell the sea.
I do love a journey.
And I went ahead and downloaded
all the seasons
of RuPaul's Drag Race.
Thank you very much, Guillermo.
It has been... nice.
Yeah.
My darling, I will see you
when we are kissing the ground
of your native land
and make love on the bones
of those who scorned you.
Safe passage, my darling.
Are you in?
Yes. Lock me up.
Right. Now, come on,
don't fuck about, get that in.
Why do you have water and food
if you can't even eat it?
It's Oreos and Pedialyte.
This stuff's worth its weight
in gold where I come from.
I can barter that
and get anything I want.
Makes sense. Well, this is it.
Indeed.
All right.
Yeah.
Okay.
Right.
Safe fare.
You, too.
It's a lot of Oreos.
Make sure
you look after my wife.
What? Aah! No! No, no, no, no!
No, no, no!
What the fuck?! Master!
Wait for me!
Help! Let me out!
Let me out, Laszlo!
Laszlo, please don't!
Hello! Hello?
Hey...
All aboard!
Guillermo...!
You coming or staying?
♪
My dearest Nadja,
you must be deucedly cross
with me for my subterfuge.
But you have Gizmo at your side,
if he has not expired
or drowned in his own filth
during
the transatlantic crossing.
I did cut a small hole
in the bottom of the coffin,
so if he is
either accurate or persistent,
he should be fine.
But I digress.
Guillermo is
a damn good bodyguard.
He will keep you safe.
But the truth is, my darling,
you don't need anyone
to keep you safe.
Okay, so,
this is my trinkets case.
Over these past
200 or 300 years,
Hurry up!
you have grown into a strong,
bold, independent woman
of the world.
It is a strange and dangerous
netherworld we inhabit,
and I once thought you
too weak and defenseless
to navigate it on your own,
and that you needed me about
at all times
to take care of you.
But that is no longer true,
were it ever so.
Um...
safe passage, Colin Robinson.
Not much more to say.
What's that...
Oh, my...
What the fuck?
What?
-Shit.
-There are, it seems,
others in our world...
What's this shit?
...whose future
is far less certain,
whose existence
is even more terrifying
and mysterious than our own...
...who actually are weak
and defenseless,
who need protection and care.
Hello?
Shit.
♪ Our love is young♪
♪ It shines so bright♪
♪ Don't ever let♪
♪ It vanish♪
♪ In the night♪
♪ Don't wake too soon♪
And a little to the right.
Almost.
A little more to the right.
Just squaring it up.
And a little to...
♪ Our love is young♪
♪ Like a bird♪
♪ It hovers near us♪
♪ Tread with care♪
♪ Lest it should hear us♪
♪ Seize it now♪
♪ Before it flies away♪
♪ Don't let it go♪
♪ Our love is young♪
♪ So very young.♪