What We Do in the Shadows (2019–…): Season 2, Episode 7 - The Return - full transcript

We have just returned
from the talkies.

They should never have
added sound.

There was pop music and people
talking all the way through it.

We had to watch it like this.

I mean, it was better, but I had
no idea what was going on.

- I like to read when I'm watching
the pictures. - (eerie whispering)

- And then I can...
- (echoing): Laszlo.

- Hello?
- Hello.

Do you hear this? There is
a voice coming from the sewer.

Laszlo.

LASZLO:
"Laszlo." It's saying my name.



You won't be able to hear that
'cause you don't have

the finely attuned ears
that we do.

Excuse me, good evening.
Are you in the sewer?

Yes.

- Yes, it says.
- Oh.

Come into the sewer.

- In the sewer?
- Yes, yes.

I don't think so, me old boy.

Come. Please.

We're in a sewer.

Quite why we're in a sewer,
I've no idea.

Because we've been
invited here, darling.

What, to walk through
a shit pipe? Please.

- (rapid footsteps)
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.



What in hell's house was that?

Show yourself.

- NADJA: Hello?
- LASZLO: Be you vampire?

Rude.

- (single piano note repeating)
- What was that?

NADJA: Huh?
Hello? Excuse me.

We mean no harm, we're just
w-walking in your shit pipe.

Don't worry, my darling,
I shall protect you.

You're just pushing me
in front of you.

- I know what I'm doing.
- What, putting me in front

- to get the danger first?
- Who is that?

LASZLO: You're kidding.
Simon the fucking Devious.

Yes. It's me.
(chuckles)

I was never in any doubt.

You just said you didn't know
who it was.

"You're Dead"
by Norma Tanega playing...

♪♪ Don't sing if you want
to live long ♪♪

♪♪ They have no use
for your song ♪♪

♪♪ You're dead, you're dead,
you're dead ♪♪

♪♪ You're dead
and out of this world ♪♪

♪♪ Now your hope and compassion
is gone ♪♪

♪♪ You sold out your dream
to the world ♪♪

♪♪ Stay dead, stay dead,
stay dead ♪♪

♪♪ You're dead
and out of this world. ♪♪

[♪♪ ♪♪]

*WHAT WE DO IN THE SHADOWS*
Season 02 Episode 07

Episode Title: "The Return"
Aired on: May 20, 2020

COLIN: One of the best ways
to drain people's energy

nowadays is via the Internet.

This woman is a astrophysicist.

"Actually, this is not
how space works.

Read a book."

Now I just wait

- for the comments to come in.
- (computer chimes)

"Hey, can you mansplain
any louder?"

Yeah, sure.

These are all different accounts
that I have set up.

The energy you get this way
isn't quite as pure,

but if you do enough of it,
it'll fill you up.

"Shanghai sucked.

Where was the Chinatown?"

"Jason Mraz is just
too weird for me."

"Jesus actually hates horses."

"Childhood obesity? LMFO."

When they call you a dumb-ass,
you know you've got them.

- (computer chimes)
- They called me a dumb-ass.

"Women are getting too tall."

- (computers chiming)
- You can drain their energy

via social media without having to even
be near them.

"That is racist."

(chuckles):
You are correct, it is.

- (computer chiming)
- Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, they hate me.

It's surprisingly simple
to get total strangers

completely furious with you.

- (computer chimes)
- "I should get a life."

(computer chimes)

- Come, come, come in.
- (piano playing)

It's a beautiful song, isn't it?

- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, great.

- Um...
- We got to go.

Y- You remember, uh,
Count Rapula,

- from my crew?
- (groans)

- ♪♪ Sewer dwelling... ♪♪
- Oh, God.

♪♪ Deeper than hell,
and subterranean ♪♪

♪♪ Hotter than uranium ♪♪

♪♪ Playing 'em
from the cranium. ♪♪

Yes, "straight from the
cranium." How does he do it?

I think he pre-writes the raps
and pretends they're freestyled.

And Carol.

Uh, where is my dear Carol?
Is she here?

- (gasps)
- LASZLO: Good heavens.

Ah, there she is.

A vision, isn't she?

And that is, well, about
the extent of the crew now.

Most of them left after...

Are you aware that...
my nightclub exploded?

Um...

- Touch the sky!
- Touch the sky.

- Shit!
- Shit!

I think my hat's
probably cursed.

No.

Yes, well, it exploded
and I lost my home.

I was found in the wreckage
by the ambulance people.

Is that you in there, Simon?
Well, I'm gonna take

my hat back,
you crispy piece of shit.

- Just going to turn this off.
- (piano stops)

I don't know how to play
the piano, so I use a Zune.

How did I survive, you ask?

LASZLO:
I didn't ask.

No one asked.

I used what little
strength I had

and wandered the sewers
of New York City,

eventually connecting
with Carol...

- (hisses)
- ...who's been great.

And then I found Rapula by
sending him psychic messages.

- Uh, you e-mailed me.
- And I e-mailed him as well.

And now it is to my great shame

that you find me here...

- In the sewer.
- ...in Staten Island.

But what matters
is that you are here.

Yeah, listen,
this has been fantastic.

- Oh, yeah.
- It's been great seeing you.

You should come at anytime.

Nandor would love
to see all of you.

- Disgusting.
- Why did you invite the prick?

I felt sorry for the wretched
creature. His home is a sewer!

He's not gonna come here.
He'll be too embarrassed.

He has some dignity, at least.

SIMON: Well, well, well.
We beat you here.

We have visitors,
so that's a nice surprise.

We took the sewers, of course.
It's a straight shot

from our place.

Now we are here
in your lovely home.

- (hisses)
- Carol. It is lovely.

These are our hosts. Be nice.

And to reiterate, do not eat.

- If possible. - (hisses)
- How do you resist?

Well, it used to be difficult
to resist,

but after a while,
you start to wonder

why hasn't anyone eaten him?

He's like the last doughnut
in the display cabinet.

- (crunching)
- Carol. Carol!

Do not eat. Something wrong.

- (hisses)
- Up, up, up, up, up, up, up.

- (hissing)
- NANDOR: You want to show Carol your room?

No. I don't think
she'd like that.

- Would you like to see Guillermo's room?
- (hissing)

She's going to eat him
if she goes to the room.

Okay, probably better not.

LASZLO: We keep spare coffins
down here.

There might be something,
if you're lucky.

Come this way.

SIMON:
Oh, that would be so kind.

- Ah.
- Oh.

- (guitar strumming)
- Hello, Elvis.

♪♪ Mm... ♪♪

- Hey.
- I made him into a vampire

back in the 1970s.

He sometimes uses this room,

which you can see,
he's doing some recording.

- So it's probably best if we...
- Hello, The King.

Yeah, yes.
Back up the stairs.

- Sorry, Elvis.
- It's all right.

♪♪ Drinking that
big ol' blood, baby. ♪♪

SIMON:
Really, we'll sleep anywhere.

In the rafters. I could
construct a makeshift coffin

out of discarded planks.

Uh, honestly, you are just
such a true friend.

(groans)

It is very sad to see Simon
so decrepit and weak.

No, it's not.

It's about time he ate shit.

It's partially our fault.

Because of your bloody
cursed, stupid hat.

It's ruined him.

That thing makes men go crazy.

Well, we needn't worry
about that anymore.

We don't know where the hat is.

- Right?
- Well, exactly. Exactly.

The hat is gone, so we
don't need to worry about it.

- Thank goodness.
- Yep.

There's some kind of human nerd

who is telling people
to ignore me.

I mean, he's getting my accounts
suspended left and right.

This will not stand.

I mean,
he's stealing my food now.

- (computer chimes)
- He just told people

that I live
in my mother's basement.

"Actually, I live

in my own basement, dumb-ass."

Fire.

Oh, no. H-He's getting to me.

Simon the Devious, he thinks
I don't know what he's up to,

but I do.

There he goes.

Follow me.
Quick, quick, quick, quick.

Look. Running away.

Ah... He's only here
to steal my hat.

I got you.

(shushes)
He's gone into the cellar.

We need to catch him in the act.

There you are!

- The game's up, old chum.
- Oh...

Nothing's changed
since New York City.

- I don't know what you're talking about...
- Really, you smug bastard?

What's behind your back?

Just the rope, I think.

Show me.

Yeah.

- Get in the hall.
- Laszlo, I...

- What's going on? - Surprise.
- Everyone come down.

Th-There's been
a misunderstanding.

- What is it? What is it?
- LASZLO: This.

- This thief.
- Thief? Chop his hands off.

Don't embarrass him.

Laszlo, my love.
He's not gonna get me.

I'm yours, baby. Chill out.

- I'm yours forever.
- Uncover that now.

I- I'd really prefer
not to, if possible.

Yeah, I bet you wouldn't.

- Well, look at that.
- (grunts)

Uh-oh.

Lovely. Very...

Very cool.

- NADJA: Gorgeous.
- LASZLO: What the fuck is it?

NANDOR:
Yes, what is it?

It's a bat.

I made it myself
from sewer trash.

It's just a small gift
to say thank you

for allowing me and my reduced
crew to stay with you.

I just wanted to say thank you
for not abandoning me

- when everyone else had.
- Oh.

Simon, you don't
need to say any more.

That is so pathetic
and truly lovely.

Thank you.

(quietly):
Well, I'm sorry.

What was that?

I said I'm sorry.

Couldn't quite hear that.

NADJA:
No, I couldn't hear it, either.

I said I'm sorry.

NANDOR:
Well, the good news is

you get to keep your hands.

GUILLERMO:
Everyone's asleep, so...

you know, I get a little bit
of peace and quiet...

¡Chinga!
(exhaling)

(hissing)

She startled me.
(chuckles)

(shouts)
¡Mierda!

Hey, Carol.

I know what you are.

Hopefully not lunch.
(laughs)

(mouths)

Master?

You are a slayer.

(quietly):
What? Why did you say that?

I... No.

I smell the death on you.

Oh, that, that's just
my body spray. It's Axe.

Killer of vampires.

(whispering):
Carol, stop saying that, okay?

I'm gonna be a vampire
just like you.

- (hisses)
- (screams)

COLIN:
Sounded like

Guillermo just took
a tumble down the steps.

- Maybe I should, uh...
- (computer chimes)

F... Asshole.

"If my dick is a pencil,

then why am I using
a keyboard to write?"

Fire.

(hissing)

Oh, wow. You're really strong.
(whimpers)

I'm really impressed.

Slayer.

Don't call me that.

(shouting)

Slayer.

(screams)

Slayer...

(shushes)

(grunts)

(wails)

I don't feel good about that.

Something bad's gonna happen,
isn't it?

(shrieks)

It's just me, Guillermo.

Hello, sir.

I heard a horrible
feminine shrieking.

- Were you having a nightmare?
- You could say that.

Uh... Guillermo, why is there
all this dust on the floor

in the shape of a body?

Were you trying to make
a girlfriend out of dust?

- No, the vacuum broke and...
- It is a very messy but cool idea.

Reminds me of Carol.

You know, how she's kind of like
that shape and that smell...

Guillermo?

Did you kill Carol?

(crying): It was an accident.
I'm sorry, sir.

Oh, no. You killed a vampire.

That's very frowned upon
amongst the vampire community.

- Is it?
- Yes.

Simon's not going
to like the fact

that you've killed
one of his crew.

- He's only got a little crew.
- I know. I know.

You must not say anything about
this to anyone, understand?

- I won't.
- Because it reflects badly on me,

- and you will be killed.
- Okay, then I definitely won't.

All right... vampire killer.

(sobs)

Only joking. Clean it up.

You got it, sir.

[♪♪ ♪♪]

♪♪ ♪♪

(sneezes, coughing)

I searched his name,
I didn't get much.

(grunts)

But I found his eBay profile.
He used his actual e-mail.

Hacked that
and I found some photos.

One of which had
a Pennsylvania watermark.

So I traced that back
to another account.

Found his actual location,

an Internet café
in Medford, Massachusetts.

Rookie mistake.

Also, he did DM me,

saying he wanted to kick my ass
and gave me his address.

So another rookie mistake.

Waiting on my driver now.

- Hello.
- Hey.

Mind if I sit up front?

And that's why you have
to be careful on the Internet.

There's creeps out there
that'll find out where you live.

I mean, you really need
to encrypt everything.

Okay, I'm gonna speed up.

SIMON:
House meeting.

- To the foyer. House meeting.
- House meeting?

LASZLO:
The fuck does he think he is?

- NADJA: No, it's night.
- It's not his house.

Ah, yes, thank you all
for coming to the house meeting.

I wanted to say thank you,
for staying here has replenished

my heart and my soul
and my body.

And I am forever grateful to all
of you for your hospitality.

But onto some more
difficult news.

Carol has gone missing.

She seems to have slipped away
in the dead of night,

abandoning me...

- NADJA: Oh, no.
- ...like so many others have.

Guillermo?

- Hmm?
- You seem relieved.

GUILLERMO:
Hmm?

I think I know
why you are relieved.

Why?

Because Carol...

wanted to eat you.
(laughs)

(chuckles)
That's so flattering.

She really did not like you.

I don't know why.

Probably because
he's such a downer.

- Indeed.
- GUILLERMO: Yeah, that's true.

Yes, I noticed that.

I just have one...

one final question.

NANDOR:
Yes?

Where is the hat?

I bloody knew it.

I want that hat!

Which hat?

- This hat?
- Yes. Give me the hat!

- No chance, Simon.
- You gave it to me as a gift.

You took it by force
from me in New York City.

Yes, and it looked better
on me in New York City.

And it will be mine!

(laughs, groans)

I could've sworn
that I left that door open.

Devious!

Meet thy maker!

Ha!

I caught your arrow with ease.

(laughs)
Ooh!

I caught it inside my hand.

- Do you need a bandage?
- No, it's the fucking hat.

- (wailing)
- I'll be taking this!

SIMON:
I want that hat! I want to feel

the sweet embrace of a witch's
sphincter against my...

- NADJA: Idiot.
- LASZLO: Where are you, Simon?

This isn't about the hat.

- It's about... (shouts)
- (horn honking)

- Ooh! Ow.
- (horns blaring)

(shouts)

NADJA:
You kept the hat!

You bloody plonker!

- Fuck me.
- And now look at you,

bouncing off the cars
like a bouncing idiot.

- LASZLO: Fucking hell!
- Is he gonna be all right?

(grunts)

- Shit.
- NANDOR: There.

- Bat!
- (bats squeaking)

Once again, into the shit pipe.

I saw that he logged into
the café computer after hours.

I think he lives here.

What am I doing?

I mean, I-I'm stalking
some poor schmuck

whose only outlet
is his computer?

Nah, this is stupid.

It's gone too far.
(chuckles)

(phone vibrates)

Uh, he-he messaged me.

"Colin Robinson,
I know you are here.

Meet me in the Aleyway,
you loser."

I'm gonna teach
this little beef jerky

a thing or two about boredom.

Stupid little
jerk-chicken human.

This troll.

(heavy footsteps approaching)

Oh.

(neck cracks)

You don't look like
your online photo.

(growling)

(high-pitched babbling)

Shh. I'm echolocating. Shh!

(high-pitched babbling)

- (bats screeching)
- (Guillermo whimpering)

NADJA:
Laszlo, stop it!

- Go, go.
- Laszlo?

You've been annoying me,
Colin Robinson.

Yeah, well, you've been troll...

- trolling me.
- Excuse me, I'm a troll.

I do not like
the term "trolling."

Well, it's not really up
for you to decide.

- I mean, that's... current slang.
- Well, I think it is

because I am a troll.

It's an offensive term.

Well, that's
what it means, so...

- That's not what it means.
- It does mean that.

If you need me to look it up in
Webster's and show you, I will.

- You're basically just a big...
- Don't say it.

My being a troll is not related
to my online trolling.

I- I'm sorry that people use
the term "trolling."

- Don't use the word.
- But when you're a troll

- and you troll, then you're trolling.
- If you say it, I'll hit you.

- (bats squeaking)
- It's a bat battle.

- It's a hat battle.
- (beatboxing)

♪♪ Hey, yo, battly, battly,
flappity flap bat... ♪♪

R- Rapula, no, no.
"Flappity flap"?

Human form!
(shouts)

(yells)

Bat!

(shouting)

LASZLO: This doesn't hurt.
Not bothered by it.

- Yeah! Simon the bat!
- Bat!

NANDOR:
Go, Laszlo!

- Which one's Laszlo?
- I don't know. Go, Laszlo!

- Human form.
- (grunts) Ooh, boy.

- My arms are tired. (chuckles)
- You can't win, Devious.

It is you who
is outnumbered this time.

Oh, am I?
(laughs)

- (bats squeaking)
- Oh, shit.

You remember my crew, don't you?

There's Gunthrapal,

Klaglad the Exsanguinator

and of course, Wesley Sykes.

NADJA:
You lying piece of asshole!

Impusa, the Freak sisters,

Ken... the zombie of
my former accountant.

Some of our newer members,
Neil, Patrick and Harris.

You son of a bastard!

He's planned the whole thing,
look at him.

And Elvis.

- (gasps)
- What?

- Hey.
- LASZLO: Elvis, you traitor.

You only just met him
last night.

LASZLO:
King, how could you do this?

It was me who made you
a vampire.

It is what it is.

SIMON:
Ain't that the truth, Elvis?

And Carol.

Has anyone seen Carol?

Shh. Guillermo, don't mention
that you vampire-slayed.

- It's a bad look for me.
- Sorry, I-I'm hearing you whispering.

- Are you speaking of Carol?
- Uh, no, no.

Do you know where Carol is?

Probably somewhere alive.

Okay.

And so that's why you find,
on the Manhattan Bridge,

a little more flexibility,

as opposed to, say,
the George Washington Bridge,

whose steel towers
are far more rigid.

Right.

Guess I thought you would
be interested in that,

being a troll, that little
bit of bridge history.

- Bridge-story, if you will.
- (groans)

Come on, Simon,
you don't even know

why you want that stupid,
stupid hat!

I want what Laszlo has.

What you and Nadja have.

You have each other
and that is...

- Is true love.
- ...enough, it's enough.

You're willing to settle,
and I envy that.

♪♪ Visibly shaken,
heart is achin'... ♪♪

Rapula, you know
I love the raps,

but not right now...
I find it distracting, okay?

So just...
Nothing satisfies me.

My crew, i-it does not
fulfill me as it once did.

Uh, I don't know who
some of these people even are.

This guy, I don't know him.

Look at my ex-accountant,
Ken, the zombie.

Ah...

Ah, indeed, Ken.

You don't need this
very ugly headwear.

It's too big for your face.

It also has a giant curse on it!

Well, now I want it a little bit
less, but I-I still want it,

so I will... oh.

Seems as though my foot
is caught in the grating.

No, it seems
as though my foot has fused

with the metal
when I transformed from a bat.

Ooh, boy.

- Ooh, it's quite...
- LASZLO: You know what?

- That looks quite...
- This is disgusting.

...quite grisly and intense.

You keep the hat.

- Just keep it.
- It's quite painful.

- LASZLO: We're off.
- (shouts)

SIMON:
Ooh, I seem to be sinking.

Count Rapula, please help me.

I'm sorry me and the crew
ain't enough for you.

Oh, I've hurt Rapula
and the whole crew.

What's all this talk about you
not being fulfilled by us?

I- I didn't mean that,
Elvis, please.

- Oh... bye. I'm finished.
- Please, Elvis.

What... Neil? Patrick? Harris?

No, you can't even make
eye contact with me.

You wait here.
If that hat reappears, grab it.

Carol? What about Carol?

Guillermo didn't kill her!

Why would you phrase it
like that?

Did you see how I threw
the suspicion from you?

- No, you threw the suspicion
on me, Master. - SIMON: Help.

- Help me, please. - Damn it.
- Is he gonna drown down there?

Why are you so interested
in how vampires are killed now?

(Simon grunts)

I'm not.

I'm just, I just
asked a question.

COLIN: And so,
I just would like to apologize

for any hurtful things
that I may have said to you.

And, uh, oh, look,
the sun's coming up.

Don't you knuckleheads
turn to stone when the...

Yep, there it is.

Guess I kept you talking
too long. (chuckles)

The sun came up.

This guy turned to stone.

Sorry, Fred Mercury,
but I am the champion.

(laughs)

Shit.

♪♪ Let me hold you tight,
my love ♪♪

♪♪ It's not easy ♪♪

♪♪ I want to hold you every day ♪♪

♪♪ So that I can fall
in your love arms ♪♪

♪♪ It's not easy ♪♪

♪♪ Darling ♪♪

♪♪ You've made me lose my mind ♪♪

♪♪ It's not easy ♪♪

♪♪ I want to lose
my mind every day ♪♪

♪♪ So I can fall into... ♪♪

Sync corrections by srjanapala