Welcome to Sweden (2014–2015): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot: Day One/Välkommen - full transcript
Evans resigns from his job to move to Sweden with the love of her life. But during his first day in their new home country he faces new habits, environments, and especially his girlfriend's strange family.
Amy, thank you so much for coming in.
- I appreciate it.
- No, it's my pleasure.
I'm just going to come
out and say it, okay.
I didn't want to do this over the phone.
Uhh, it's kind of important.
Oka-a-ay,
great, great, great. Shoot.
It's tough for me to say, actually,
'cause I know we've had a really
great working relationship.
And it's not anything that
you were doing, it's just...
I'm going to stop you right there, Bruce.
I've been thinking about
something. You're fired.
Why? I made you so much money.
I know. You made me too much money.
That's not a problem for most people.
Now I need to pay taxes on that money,
and figure out how to invest that money
and now everybody knows
that I made that money.
Look, I think we've had a very good run.
And now it's time to say goodbye.
No hard feelings.
Okay, you know what, it actually
doesn't really matter to me
because the reason why I brought you here
is to tell you I'm quitting.
I'm moving to Sweden, so...
Wha-a-at? No wa-a-ay!
It's like... I know. It's a big move.
It's like... I don't know.
Sometimes I'm sitting here thinking,
"Am I doing the right thing?" You know.
It's, like, such a gigantic step in life.
What do you think? Am I doing
the right thing? Or...
Huh?
Anyway, um...
It's important, even though
we're not working together,
for you to find someone here in the
office to look after your things.
Because it's really complicated,
the system we've set up for you.
I think I can handle it myself, Bruce.
No, you can't do this yourself.
If I listened every time someone
told me I couldn't do something
then I wouldn't be where I am today.
That is true. You are
really, really talented
at not listening to people.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Anyway, good talk. Best of luck in Norway,
and you know, the rest of your life.
Okay. It was Sweden, actually, but...
Was it?
Here you go.
Bruce Evans. American.
Yeah.
What is your business in Sweden?
Ahh, you can just put down "love"
on that form.
No, um,
I'm moving here, actually.
Well, we're moving here,
me and my girlfriend,
we lived together in New York
and now we're moving together.
Where is she?
Oh, she came a few days early.
So, she's here to pick me up.
Occupation?
She's just got a job at this
big bank here in Sweden.
No, your occupation.
Uh, for ten years I was
an accountant in New York.
And, then I just quit. Just the other day.
Anything is possible, you know.
I'll just put "unemployed".
Okay, I wouldn't
necessarily say that but...
- Did you pack your bag yourself?
- Yeah.
No illegal substances?
What do you need?
No, I'm sorry. I don't do drugs at all.
I might smoke a little
weed occasionally, but...
that doesn't count, right?
It counts in Sweden.
No, no, no, please don't. That is...
That's supposed to be a gift, so...
Well, now you destroyed them, so...
Thank you.
Welcome to Sweden.
Bruce!
Hey, babe.
Hey.
Mmm. God I missed you. You look great.
Thank you.
Here is for you, Ah, cool.
And welcome to Sweden.
Oh, I'm so tired. I can't
wait to crash at your place.
Then you have to wait for two weeks.
What?
It's still being rented out.
- Where are we staying then?
- With my parents.
In the summer house.
Jeez, I've got to start
paying better attention.
Yeah, you should.
Sorry, what?
It's just that I haven't
slept for, like, 20 hours.
They don't care.
They are super excited to see you.
Yeah, well, I'm super excited to see you.
Should we ask this guy maybe
if he could pull over for
five minutes at a hotel?
Do you think you can last for five minutes?
No, maybe, like, maybe
three and a half minutes
but it'd be the best three and
a half minutes of your life.
Ooh.
How funny is it, by the way,
that your father's name is Burger?
It's pronounced Birger.
You guys say Burger King
or you say Birger King?
Sorry, I shouldn't make fun of your dad.
It's okay.
It's my mom you should be worried about.
- Seriously?
- Yeah,
I mean, I love my
parents but they are so...
Swedish.
_
It's an honor to finally
meet you, sir. Yeah.
This is actually for you.
It's... a long story.
_
I'm sorry, I don't any speak Swedish yet.
I don't know if Emma told you.
_
_
It's still Swedish so I don't...
_
_
_
_
Oh, no.
Is there a problem?
It's just I'm not very good with boats.
Are you okay, honey?
Okay, there you go.
- Are you okay?
- No.
Tsk, babe...
_
You can drive here?
Yes, of course.
I just wanted to show you
the beautiful way here.
Hello, Bruce!
It's so nice to finally meet you!
Come here so I can take a good...
look at you.
So, this is my mom.
Okay, that's nice. Oh, okay. Hi.
_
Can I help you with some of this stuff?
Yes, yes, yes.
_
Thank you.
- Bruce.
- Yes?
Welcome.
- I'm Emma's brother, Gustav.
- Okay.
_
_
_
_
Follow me.
I think we should maybe
go up to the house...
_
_
This is how we do it in Sweden.
Ah, no, you know what,
I just got off the plane
so it's probably not a...
_
All right, whatever.
No, no, no, no.
First you have to look the guy
you toast with in the eye,
then drink, then look again.
- Okay.
- Swedish style.
Like this.
Are you mad of me for some reason or...?
- Skal.
- Skal.
Ahh, you're learning.
You're learning, man. I love you.
Bruce!
Yippee ki yay, !
You know, like Bruce Willis.
- Right?
- Yeah.
"Die Hard" 1988.
Director...
John McTiernan.
I'm Emma's uncle, Bengt.
I love your outfit, man.
You shouldn't have.
Thank you, well it's not for you.
It's just that I love the U.S.A.
Ohh, yeah, I can see that.
- Have you been there or...?
- Yes, yes, yes.
Well, no. But...
I own a video store
so I've seen a lot of American movies.
Talking to me? You talking to me?
Robert De Niro in "Taxi Driver."
1976, director...
Marty Scorsese.
We should hang out sometime.
- Okay.
- No, no...
I mean just the two of us.
You know, I really should get inside, so...
- Yeah.
- This has been nice.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Oh... I don't...
Hey, forget about it.
I will. I definitely will.
- "Donnie Brasco".
- What?
- Al Pacino.
- Okay.
Forget about it.
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
So how did you and Emma meet anyway?
It was at this super gross Dive Bar.
- Ohh...
- Ooh...
_
_
Anyway, I didn't have my contact lenses
so I couldn't see anything.
_
I was like...
_
I just started talking about the
only artist I could think of.
_
I don't remember anything
after that. Total blackout.
_
Skal!
_
_
It's a nice house.
Yes.
Nice... house.
Honey, can I talk to you for a second?
Yes, please.
Come in here. It's quiet in here.
Yes.
Sorry, I'm just not used
to starting the day
with seasickness and jet lag
and drinking tons of shots.
I know, babe.
- Get some rest, okay?
- Yes.
Dinner's in an hour, so...
Thank you.
Bruce...
This is a crayfish party,
not a slumber party.
Can I help you with something, or...?
Yeah, you know this is my room.
Like your old boy's room?
No, for real, this is my crib.
My crib, yo.
So you live with your parents?
Yeah. It's cheap.
It's free, actually.
And then I worked with
blind kids for a while,
and then for a while I
worked with Sami people.
You know, the Swedish little Indians.
I thought of becoming a shepherd
but there's no sheep here.
So now I'm thinking of
becoming an entrepreneur.
In what?
Just an entrepreneur.
Pretty sure you have to be an
entrepreneur in something.
How about a taco bus?
Taco bus?
Yeah, just going around
in a bus, eating tacos.
You mean a bus that sells tacos? Or...
That's even better,
that's brilliant, Bruce.
Just going around in a bus selling tacos.
Babe,
dinner is ready.
That's so cool. It reminds me.
We have, like, a...
Who is Bruce? Huh?
- Who is the man behind the mask?
- Mama.
I want to know.
Okay, I don't know how much
Emma's told you, but...
_
I grew up in Ohio.
And I've lived in New York for
the past ten years, so...
And up until recently I was an accountant.
A celebrity accountant.
Celebrity!
I may have a few celebrity clients, but...
American celebrities? Oh my God!
Any actors?
You see, I know every actor in America.
Give me one name. I know all of them.
Amy Poehler is a big client of mine.
No, no, never heard of her.
We had weatherman named called Pohlman.
_
Pappa, that's not even the same name.
Oh, good. I hated that guy.
Amy, is it...
a man or a woman?
Uh,
it's definitely a woman.
Did you make a lot of money doing that job?
Yeah, actually I made quite a bit.
But, you know, I've left all that behind.
- I came here.
- You quit?
- Just like that?
- Yep.
What did your celebrity clients say?
They were pretty upset about it, actually.
You know what's really great for me?
I was going to fire you and then you quit.
Excellent.
Anyway I'm... I'm here now,
with Emma,
and kind of moved on, you know?
But what will you do?
I'm just going to spend
as much time as possible
- with your daughter.
- Mmm.
But, uh, for work?
What will you do for work?
Oh, uh...
I think I'm just going
to take, like, a year
to just try to... find myself.
Find yourself?
Are you lost?
You left a big shot job, big career,
you made a lots of money,
you had celebrity clients,
in New York, and you moved to Sweden
to live with our daughter.
You have no friends,
you don't speak the language
you don't have a job.
Yeah.
_
Sauna time.
Ooh.
No, no. Bruce.
No towel in here.
Ahh...
If it's too hot for you,
you can move down to the lower bench.
Yeah, maybe I will move
down just for a bit.
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
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_
_
_
Bruce,
I am a man.
I am not a speaker.
In English, uh,
not at all.
We are so glad
to have Emma home.
You know, she hasn't had a boyfriend
for more than two weeks, maybe.
So we hope that...
you will last a longer time.
Yes.
Welcome to our family.
Welcome to Sweden.
_
_
_
_
_
_
Bruce? Babe, look at me.
_
_
_
Well, that went pretty well.
You don't have to worry.
I mean, this is only day one, so...
I can't wait to see what's happens next.
Is it nighttime right now, or...?
Yep. This is as dark as it gets.
Hm. Hey, you never had a boyfriend
for longer than two weeks before me?
No.
Whoa.
That's probably something
I should have known.
_
I love you too.
Oh, so you do know Swedish?
I know that one.
We'll be okay, right?
Yeah. We'll be fine.
- I appreciate it.
- No, it's my pleasure.
I'm just going to come
out and say it, okay.
I didn't want to do this over the phone.
Uhh, it's kind of important.
Oka-a-ay,
great, great, great. Shoot.
It's tough for me to say, actually,
'cause I know we've had a really
great working relationship.
And it's not anything that
you were doing, it's just...
I'm going to stop you right there, Bruce.
I've been thinking about
something. You're fired.
Why? I made you so much money.
I know. You made me too much money.
That's not a problem for most people.
Now I need to pay taxes on that money,
and figure out how to invest that money
and now everybody knows
that I made that money.
Look, I think we've had a very good run.
And now it's time to say goodbye.
No hard feelings.
Okay, you know what, it actually
doesn't really matter to me
because the reason why I brought you here
is to tell you I'm quitting.
I'm moving to Sweden, so...
Wha-a-at? No wa-a-ay!
It's like... I know. It's a big move.
It's like... I don't know.
Sometimes I'm sitting here thinking,
"Am I doing the right thing?" You know.
It's, like, such a gigantic step in life.
What do you think? Am I doing
the right thing? Or...
Huh?
Anyway, um...
It's important, even though
we're not working together,
for you to find someone here in the
office to look after your things.
Because it's really complicated,
the system we've set up for you.
I think I can handle it myself, Bruce.
No, you can't do this yourself.
If I listened every time someone
told me I couldn't do something
then I wouldn't be where I am today.
That is true. You are
really, really talented
at not listening to people.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Anyway, good talk. Best of luck in Norway,
and you know, the rest of your life.
Okay. It was Sweden, actually, but...
Was it?
Here you go.
Bruce Evans. American.
Yeah.
What is your business in Sweden?
Ahh, you can just put down "love"
on that form.
No, um,
I'm moving here, actually.
Well, we're moving here,
me and my girlfriend,
we lived together in New York
and now we're moving together.
Where is she?
Oh, she came a few days early.
So, she's here to pick me up.
Occupation?
She's just got a job at this
big bank here in Sweden.
No, your occupation.
Uh, for ten years I was
an accountant in New York.
And, then I just quit. Just the other day.
Anything is possible, you know.
I'll just put "unemployed".
Okay, I wouldn't
necessarily say that but...
- Did you pack your bag yourself?
- Yeah.
No illegal substances?
What do you need?
No, I'm sorry. I don't do drugs at all.
I might smoke a little
weed occasionally, but...
that doesn't count, right?
It counts in Sweden.
No, no, no, please don't. That is...
That's supposed to be a gift, so...
Well, now you destroyed them, so...
Thank you.
Welcome to Sweden.
Bruce!
Hey, babe.
Hey.
Mmm. God I missed you. You look great.
Thank you.
Here is for you, Ah, cool.
And welcome to Sweden.
Oh, I'm so tired. I can't
wait to crash at your place.
Then you have to wait for two weeks.
What?
It's still being rented out.
- Where are we staying then?
- With my parents.
In the summer house.
Jeez, I've got to start
paying better attention.
Yeah, you should.
Sorry, what?
It's just that I haven't
slept for, like, 20 hours.
They don't care.
They are super excited to see you.
Yeah, well, I'm super excited to see you.
Should we ask this guy maybe
if he could pull over for
five minutes at a hotel?
Do you think you can last for five minutes?
No, maybe, like, maybe
three and a half minutes
but it'd be the best three and
a half minutes of your life.
Ooh.
How funny is it, by the way,
that your father's name is Burger?
It's pronounced Birger.
You guys say Burger King
or you say Birger King?
Sorry, I shouldn't make fun of your dad.
It's okay.
It's my mom you should be worried about.
- Seriously?
- Yeah,
I mean, I love my
parents but they are so...
Swedish.
_
It's an honor to finally
meet you, sir. Yeah.
This is actually for you.
It's... a long story.
_
I'm sorry, I don't any speak Swedish yet.
I don't know if Emma told you.
_
_
It's still Swedish so I don't...
_
_
_
_
Oh, no.
Is there a problem?
It's just I'm not very good with boats.
Are you okay, honey?
Okay, there you go.
- Are you okay?
- No.
Tsk, babe...
_
You can drive here?
Yes, of course.
I just wanted to show you
the beautiful way here.
Hello, Bruce!
It's so nice to finally meet you!
Come here so I can take a good...
look at you.
So, this is my mom.
Okay, that's nice. Oh, okay. Hi.
_
Can I help you with some of this stuff?
Yes, yes, yes.
_
Thank you.
- Bruce.
- Yes?
Welcome.
- I'm Emma's brother, Gustav.
- Okay.
_
_
_
_
Follow me.
I think we should maybe
go up to the house...
_
_
This is how we do it in Sweden.
Ah, no, you know what,
I just got off the plane
so it's probably not a...
_
All right, whatever.
No, no, no, no.
First you have to look the guy
you toast with in the eye,
then drink, then look again.
- Okay.
- Swedish style.
Like this.
Are you mad of me for some reason or...?
- Skal.
- Skal.
Ahh, you're learning.
You're learning, man. I love you.
Bruce!
Yippee ki yay, !
You know, like Bruce Willis.
- Right?
- Yeah.
"Die Hard" 1988.
Director...
John McTiernan.
I'm Emma's uncle, Bengt.
I love your outfit, man.
You shouldn't have.
Thank you, well it's not for you.
It's just that I love the U.S.A.
Ohh, yeah, I can see that.
- Have you been there or...?
- Yes, yes, yes.
Well, no. But...
I own a video store
so I've seen a lot of American movies.
Talking to me? You talking to me?
Robert De Niro in "Taxi Driver."
1976, director...
Marty Scorsese.
We should hang out sometime.
- Okay.
- No, no...
I mean just the two of us.
You know, I really should get inside, so...
- Yeah.
- This has been nice.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Oh... I don't...
Hey, forget about it.
I will. I definitely will.
- "Donnie Brasco".
- What?
- Al Pacino.
- Okay.
Forget about it.
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
So how did you and Emma meet anyway?
It was at this super gross Dive Bar.
- Ohh...
- Ooh...
_
_
Anyway, I didn't have my contact lenses
so I couldn't see anything.
_
I was like...
_
I just started talking about the
only artist I could think of.
_
I don't remember anything
after that. Total blackout.
_
Skal!
_
_
It's a nice house.
Yes.
Nice... house.
Honey, can I talk to you for a second?
Yes, please.
Come in here. It's quiet in here.
Yes.
Sorry, I'm just not used
to starting the day
with seasickness and jet lag
and drinking tons of shots.
I know, babe.
- Get some rest, okay?
- Yes.
Dinner's in an hour, so...
Thank you.
Bruce...
This is a crayfish party,
not a slumber party.
Can I help you with something, or...?
Yeah, you know this is my room.
Like your old boy's room?
No, for real, this is my crib.
My crib, yo.
So you live with your parents?
Yeah. It's cheap.
It's free, actually.
And then I worked with
blind kids for a while,
and then for a while I
worked with Sami people.
You know, the Swedish little Indians.
I thought of becoming a shepherd
but there's no sheep here.
So now I'm thinking of
becoming an entrepreneur.
In what?
Just an entrepreneur.
Pretty sure you have to be an
entrepreneur in something.
How about a taco bus?
Taco bus?
Yeah, just going around
in a bus, eating tacos.
You mean a bus that sells tacos? Or...
That's even better,
that's brilliant, Bruce.
Just going around in a bus selling tacos.
Babe,
dinner is ready.
That's so cool. It reminds me.
We have, like, a...
Who is Bruce? Huh?
- Who is the man behind the mask?
- Mama.
I want to know.
Okay, I don't know how much
Emma's told you, but...
_
I grew up in Ohio.
And I've lived in New York for
the past ten years, so...
And up until recently I was an accountant.
A celebrity accountant.
Celebrity!
I may have a few celebrity clients, but...
American celebrities? Oh my God!
Any actors?
You see, I know every actor in America.
Give me one name. I know all of them.
Amy Poehler is a big client of mine.
No, no, never heard of her.
We had weatherman named called Pohlman.
_
Pappa, that's not even the same name.
Oh, good. I hated that guy.
Amy, is it...
a man or a woman?
Uh,
it's definitely a woman.
Did you make a lot of money doing that job?
Yeah, actually I made quite a bit.
But, you know, I've left all that behind.
- I came here.
- You quit?
- Just like that?
- Yep.
What did your celebrity clients say?
They were pretty upset about it, actually.
You know what's really great for me?
I was going to fire you and then you quit.
Excellent.
Anyway I'm... I'm here now,
with Emma,
and kind of moved on, you know?
But what will you do?
I'm just going to spend
as much time as possible
- with your daughter.
- Mmm.
But, uh, for work?
What will you do for work?
Oh, uh...
I think I'm just going
to take, like, a year
to just try to... find myself.
Find yourself?
Are you lost?
You left a big shot job, big career,
you made a lots of money,
you had celebrity clients,
in New York, and you moved to Sweden
to live with our daughter.
You have no friends,
you don't speak the language
you don't have a job.
Yeah.
_
Sauna time.
Ooh.
No, no. Bruce.
No towel in here.
Ahh...
If it's too hot for you,
you can move down to the lower bench.
Yeah, maybe I will move
down just for a bit.
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
Bruce,
I am a man.
I am not a speaker.
In English, uh,
not at all.
We are so glad
to have Emma home.
You know, she hasn't had a boyfriend
for more than two weeks, maybe.
So we hope that...
you will last a longer time.
Yes.
Welcome to our family.
Welcome to Sweden.
_
_
_
_
_
_
Bruce? Babe, look at me.
_
_
_
Well, that went pretty well.
You don't have to worry.
I mean, this is only day one, so...
I can't wait to see what's happens next.
Is it nighttime right now, or...?
Yep. This is as dark as it gets.
Hm. Hey, you never had a boyfriend
for longer than two weeks before me?
No.
Whoa.
That's probably something
I should have known.
_
I love you too.
Oh, so you do know Swedish?
I know that one.
We'll be okay, right?
Yeah. We'll be fine.