Welcome to Flatch (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 13 - Boss Bitch - full transcript
One of the things
on my bucket list
has always been to get
a pair of my shoes
over a power line.
It's, like, a part of street
culture or whatever,
and, honestly,
I want to be a part of it,
but it's freaking hard.
Oh! What?
Dude, this is awesome!
- It's my badass Aunt Lola's.
- Ah. What's up, Shrub?
Hey, Lola.
How long are you in town?
Just a few.
Going to make a few sales,
and then I'm going to jet on up
to Sandusky for Ohio Bike Week.
Are you going to buy
a motorcycle?
Mm, nah, but I'm definitely
going to ride some hogs.
So Lola is my mom's sister
and the coolest person
in my whole family,
besides my dad.
She's like if Rhonda Rousey
and a huge, giant bottle
of champagne had a baby.
She owns her own company
that sells, like, pills
and juices and stuff.
Legal pills.
That's really important.
Anyway, she's going to do
a free presentation
while she's at my house
in town,
and she said I could help.
That's her.
♪icon
- Catch you later, Shrub.
- Oh.
Yes! Nailed it.
If you're debating which ones
to throw over a power line,
I have some excellent intel.
What?
No. No. No.
I was going to go for a run,
but I can't remember
which pair are next
in rotation.
It's a real mess.
- Does it matter?
- Actually, no.
Good fix.
Huh, let me guess.
You're here to see
if there's any mail for you.
- Yeah.
- I'm afraid not yet,
but, uh, any day now.
So, like, a month ago,
Father Joe
helped me fill out
an application
for the Cleveland College
of the Arts.
"Citizenship status." Alive.
No. I have not told Kelly yet.
That would be like opening
a whole can of worms,
and I am not talking
the good gummy kind.
Before I joined
the Energize Her family,
I was just like you Flatch women.
I was bored.
I was broke.
I was dating a deadbeat
Kid Rock-wannabe who got mad
when I would stay out
past my bedtime,
blowing my rent money
on coconut-flavored rum
and a rascal of a
"Game of Thrones" slot machine
at an Indian casino
outside of Toledo.
Been there.
Oh. I think it's
Native American casino.
Yah. Correct.
Thank you, sister.
But the point is,
the patriarchy
had brainwashed me
to live and work
in a system that supported
my own oppression.
- That sucks.
- Yes, Kelly.
Mm-hmm.
It sucked,
and then I discovered
Energize Her products,
and I started to harness
my own feminine power
to not just break the glass
ceiling but to crush it.
Kelly, why don't you pass out
some samples of She-Shake
so everybody can see
what the amazing power of
female solidarity tastes like.
Everyone take your pick. Yeah.
Take a look at your watches
so you can mark the exact time
that your lives have changed.
Drink it up.
You feel something kind of,
like, tingling
in the back of your throat?
I feel it.
- Yeah.
- I do.
That's the enzymes, huh?
That's why men don't want you
to know about this stuff?
Take that, men!
Mm.
Okay.
Now, we've got a great
almost all-natural product.
All we need is a sales force
of Sheroes
who are ready to take control
of their lives
with a small up-front
investment.
Let me show you
the levels of empowerment.
We've got Lil Mama, Big Mama,
Girl Boss, and Boss Bitch,
which includes a signature
Boss Bitch blazer.
I do like that blazer.
I'm very concerned this
is a pyramid scheme.
- You're a pyramid scheme, dude.
- Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.
It's okay. It's okay, Kelly.
Yeah?
People ask me this
all the time.
This is not a pyramid scheme.
This is a multi-level
marketing scheme.
I just knocked out
my second 5K of the day.
I found this great app
that lets you run the routes
of other local runners.
I'm trying to beat this runner
who's got the fastest time
around the perimeter of Flatch.
Whoever it is
has local legend status.
Isn't that fun?
Okay, I'm going to go
for another loop.
Excuse me.
So, Aunt Lola ...
Mm-hmm?
I've been thinking
about your company,
and I want to be a Lil Mama.
Oh.
No, kid, you're not ready.
Seriously,
I can sell anything,
like, better than
stupid Nadine.
I'm an influencer in this town,
like, the whole athleisure-wear
thing you see in Flatch?
I started it. Okay.
Kelly, you know I think
you're the she-bomb.
It's not that you
couldn't do this.
- It's just...
- Please don't say, "No."
Like, I want to be
a Boss Bitch so badly.
- Come on.
- I tell you what.
You don't have to register
or sign up or pay the fees.
You just take out
the sample kit
and try some sales tomorrow.
How about that?
- Yes! Yes!
- Yeah?
I even have an extra blazer
you can use.
Okay, you won't be sorry.
I'll be the best
Lil Mama you've seen.
I don't doubt it.
Hi, cutie girlie.
I'm here to give you
a huge opportunity to get
on the ground floor of this.
It's am--
Sexist!
Okay. Yes.
Shrub is fully not a woman,
but I've decided
to let him work for me.
He's not my first pick, obviously,
but he agreed to work for free,
so I figured
I'd give him a shot, you know?
Kel.
Those are my shoes.
Is that why you're wearing
those weird snow boots?
Yeah.
Oh, my God, dude.
I think there's a bird living
in the left one.
What?
Screw you!
Nice mouth, 434 Oak Street!
This is the same place
that gives away
crappy banana-flavored candy
on Halloween.
It's great she's starting
a business,
especially since there's
a chance, y'know,
I'm going to be
on the next train
to college-ville university.
It's just...
It's tricky with her, you know,
'cause she really looks to me
for encouragement
and support, and...
Yeah.
- Hey. Hey. Father Joe!
- Father Joe, stop!
What's up, guys?
I'm trying to beat
a local legend.
Uh, I don't know
what that means,
but you could be
your own local legend.
- How about that?
- Nice.
FJ, today is your lucky day,
if you can believe it,
because I actually started
selling a shake that was
specifically engineered
to energize your run.
Okay, bunny rabbit?
Wait, I thought it was
just for women.
Like the patriarchy would let
anything be just for women.
Okay, Father Joe,
if you commit
to a month's supply
right now,
I can give you a special
introductory 25% off.
I really need to go.
Okay. You know what?
I'm going to call my boss.
Okay? Wait where you are.
Stay still.
Hello?
You too, boss bitch.
Okay, seriously, I'm with
a VIP client right now.
Listen, I know we normally
don't do this,
but if he commits to
a full week's supply right now,
do you think we could maybe
throw in some pens,
maybe a sample of
the skin glow supplement?
- I don't need any of that.
- You do, really bad.
You have no idea.
I can vouch for him.
He's kind of off-and-on,
but I like him.
- Yes?
- Ah?
- Welcome to the family!
- Hey!
- You're in.
- Whoo!
You're going to love it.
There was no one on the phone.
Okay, we can settle up later.
I trust you.
Shrub, give him the pens.
You're going to love those.
Thank you guys,
but I've got to keep moving
on this run, but thank you.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, oh, and, Shrub,
nothing in the mail yet.
No bad news is good news.
- What is that about?
- Nothing.
Man stuff.
What do you mean, "man stuff"?
Tell me now.
Just he has a problem
with his ball bag.
It's like, one of them has
turned hard
like a stone, apparently.
Hey!
Have you told Kelly yet?
He just told me.
Cool, right?
Uh, I don't know
what you want me to say,
to be honest with you.
I'll give you two
more time to discuss.
I told you
I would kill it out there.
- I totally sold out.
- You're a little version of me,
Boss Bitch in the making,
and it was all one customer?
Yeah, but he, like,
is obsessed with it.
He already texted me
he wants more.
- "He"?
- I mean, does it matter,
if we're closing deals?
We really want to be
reaching women, you know,
tapping into
that vast sisterhood
of not just customers
but potential new reps.
Okay.
To be honest, like,
I was kind of striking out
with the ladies.
Let me teach you
a sales technique
that's designed
specifically for women.
It preys
on their own insecurities.
- Okay.
- Kelly, let me level with you.
I know how frustrating thin
and stringy hair can be.
What?
You don't have to pretend
with me; I get it.
I tried, like, a conditioner,
and I paid 15 stupid dollars,
all I had, and it did nothing.
What if I told you
I have a product
that can fix that stringy mess?
- This will fix my nasty hair?
- Yes.
No. Does it matter?
That was a technique.
See what I did?
- Huh?
- Oh, my God.
Yeah, you don't need that crap.
Your hair is great.
I was like,
"What is happening right now?"
You hurt my feelings.
Great.
That's how it works.
My hair is beautiful.
I tell you what.
Why don't I go on a few sales
with you tomorrow.
We'll definitely have
a good time,
share a few laughs,
and maybe I can teach you
a few more sales techniques.
- I would love that.
- Hey. It's a date.
Yeah.
I'm really worried about Joe.
I think he's already fully
addicted to this green stuff.
I ran into him earlier.
He had, like, a permanent
green mustache from it.
Okay, no. I've got to go.
Scrolling through
his recent posts,
I count five 5K runs
in the last 24 hours
and, like, 15 posts about
how much he loves green juice.
Oh. You have to understand.
With Joe, when he gets obsessed
about something,
he can go way down
a rabbit hole.
I mean, when we were together,
he became so obsessed
with jigsaw puzzles
that he wore the fingerprints
off of his
right index finger and thumb.
We have our weekly
brunch tomorrow.
I'm going to talk
to him about it.
Is my skin glowing?
I think it might be. Weird,
right?
And this juice
is actually really tasty.
I think it does
actually energize you.
My last two runs were, like,
a whole minute
faster than usual.
Nice try. Not impressed.
Not impressed.
I don't know
where he is.
Joe is a lot of things,
but he is never late
for our brunch.
Oh, wait.
There he...
goes.
That was Joe.
You just have to go in
acting like
you've got it
already because you do.
Hey, guys!
We got mail.
Swing by later, and we'll see
if we've got some good news
for all of us to celebrate.
Really? Wow. Okay, yeah.
He has, like,
a messed up downstairs area.
Don't they all?
Okay. I gotta go.
You can tell by
the way he runs.
Apparently it's just
like rock hard.
Oh, my God. I am so nervous
because, like, I mean,
if I get in, it's, like,
Cleveland, but what?
They have the Rock & Roll
Hall of Fame and a museum
with authentic dinosaur bones
and art school.
I mean, it's big time,
but then, you know, also,
if I get in,
I gotta deal with Kelly.
She'd, like,
definitely freak out,
and not in a good way, either.
Hey, Kelly.
Elizabeth,
gorgeous to see you.
This is my Aunt Lola, my icon.
- Sup?
- Hi.
So, listen.
Today, we came by to give you
some very exciting news.
- Okay.
- Are you tired of being mousy?
- What?
- Like a timid,
little mousy mouse girl?
What?
Dude, she's not a mouse girl.
What are you talking about?
Kelly thought you might be
excited to hear about a product
that could make your skin glow.
Yes! Don't you want to stop
looking like, you know,
the pale spooky dolls
from the doll museum?
Dude, leave her alone.
Her skin's beautiful.
She's practically perfect.
Okay. I know she's beautiful.
She's gorgeous, okay?
But she's not allowing
that beauty to come out,
and she needs juice for that.
Oh.
Hey, guys.
Care to join us for
a rousing game of crazy eights?
- What are you doing here?
- Just hanging.
"Hanging" or...
or, like, hanging?
Oh, we're full-on hanging
in all the best ways.
- Isn't he funny?
- Absolutely not. I have to go.
Oh, my God.
The juice said it was just
for women, and now, he's dead.
Shrub.
Hey.
I'm just draining the lactic
acid out of my calves.
Oh, my God.
They've been cramping bad.
The letter is on the table.
Oh, my God. I can't open it.
- You want me to open it?
- No.
Yes.
No, don't.
Yeah.
Open it, open it, open it,
open it, please, please.
Okay.
Let's see here.
Oh, God.
"We are thrilled to offer
you a spot
in our visual arts program
for the upcoming semester."
- I got in?
- You got in.
I got--oh, my God, I got in!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Stop. I know exactly
which song I need right now.
- Oh.
- Please move.
♪ Always lived my life alone
♪ Been searching for a place
called home ♪
It's just the intro.
Just wait.
♪ The child
that I used to be ♪
♪ And I know
that it's not too late ♪
♪ Never too late
3:00 a. m.!
The painted cow!
♪
Yeah!
♪
Ooh. I love this song,
have it on
my Let's Get It On mix
right after
"Let's Get It On."
Got to keep them on their toes.
Uh, Mandy, what's up?
Oh. Your presence is requested
in the room.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
I'll miss you.
Okay, welcome to
the Energize Her family.
As a thank-you, we want to
give you this pen on us, okay?
- Mom, whose car is out front?
- Hi, Daniel.
Is your brother
coming for lunch?
He's right behind me.
Who are you people?
Hi, a pleasure to meet you.
We were just talking to your
mom about some lady business.
- Yes.
- Unbelievable.
Another one of these scams?
Don't worry, Marlene, okay?
This isn't a scam.
That's just what the patriarchy
wants us to think.
- Right, Lola?
- Yeah.
I'm going to talk
to my partner for a sec.
Yeah, good.
Kel, I can't lie
to my favorite niece.
Okay.
This company might have elements
of a pyramid built into it.
It does?
Okay, but that's why I didn't
want you to sign up.
So it is a scam.
No, the blazer is basically
free, and I don't think
there's anything too harmful
in the juice, so whatever.
You know what?
We're done here for the day,
so we're just going
to head on out,
and we will be in touch
with you, Marlene.
We've had enough of this crap.
All right?
Rodney, call the cops.
- Cheryl, is it my birthday?
- Oh, rad.
I could use some cake
to settle me down right now.
No, Joe.
This is an intervention.
Will there still be cake?
Oh, well, yes, actually.
I told you
people would want it.
Best day ever.
And it is because you are
such a caring person, Joe,
that you mean a lot
to this community.
We love you,
and we worry
that you push yourself so hard
that you could hurt yourself,
and you missed our brunch.
I was really looking forward
to that brunch.
Cheryl said she loves me,
right?
I mean, you heard it.
I mean,
that's all that matters.
I don't really care about
some stupid mystery runner
or some stupid running app.
I do need my phone.
Thank you, Cheryl.
It means a lot to me.
We just want you to be safe,
and that green stuff is a scam.
It's a pyramid scheme.
- You don't need it.
- What?
100% a scam.
- Should we hug again?
- Yeah, definitely.
Mm.
I have a letter
I would like to read.
Oh, yes, Len, by all means.
"Dear Joe, this is Len
from East Warwick Street.
"I'm writing you today
to tell you
"that I don't like it
when you eat
"your takeout shrimp fried rice
lunches in the community room.
"It smells up the whole room
"and interferes
with my midday nap
that I take
on the couch in there."
You've taken a nap
on the couch?
- I'm very tired.
- Okay. Thank you so much, Len.
Oh, good. You're all here.
Ladies, has the patriarchy
got you down?
Mm-mm.
- Well, with Energize Her...
Nadine, no!
No, Nadine! Out!
Wow. Okay.
Yeah, I just think this is some
sort of weird misunderstanding.
I'm not interested
in your baloney, sweetheart.
Take a seat, and we're going to
wait for the police to show up.
Fellow, fellows, hold up, okay?
I get it.
I know these days it feels like
everywhere you turn,
there's a scam,
bad news everywhere you look,
car payments, electric bills.
You don't have time
for personal care
like you used to, huh?
It's starting to show.
You're not as young
as you used to be.
Your skin is, uh,
what do we say?
- Oh, bleh.
- Bleh. Gross. Disgusting.
Rodney, you are looking
a little blotchy lately.
Yeah, okay?
Blotchy.
She gets it.
You're fine, Rodney.
And you know what, I bet if
y'all try some of our products,
you'll realize this isn't
some kind of evil plot.
- Hey, Kelly.
- Yes?
Get ready to smash
a glass ceiling.
- Go!
- Oh!
- [bleep]! What the--
- See you later, sweetheart!
- Okay.
- What?
Go. Go.
Go. Go. Go. Go.
You get back here.
Go. Go!
Hey. Don't go anywhere!
So, yeah. Energize Her
was a scam all along.
Do I blame Lola?
I mean, a lady has got to do
what a lady has got to do
in a male-dominated
scam economy.
- You got it?
- Yeah.
All I know is
that Lola is a badass
boss bitch super hero, and
I'm a little version of her.
Like, being a business queen's
in my blood.
And, man, we had
so much fun today.
- Write some
- Thank you.
I can't wait to own
my own business like hers,
just be roaming the country,
getting into adventures,
beating up the bad guys,
and, like, throwing pens
in their faces,
just, like, living
the American dream.
Oh.
I have to get Father Joe
back his money
and tell him the juice
was kind of a scam.
Well, I found out
who the local legend was.
Me. Yeah.
Apparently the app
just ups your time
a little bit every day
to push you to beat
your last time, and it works.
I got down to an 8-minute mile.
That's, like, cheetah-fast,
not super-healthy, though.
So much chafing.
Anyways, thanks to Cheryl,
I kicked it.
You know,
when I moved to Flatch,
I thought
that I had to branch out
and make a name for myself,
but the name that
I kept hearing was Cheryl.
I'm addicted to her,
and I'd be crazy to lose that.
So, yeah.
I got into art school,
and as far as Kelly goes,
I-I don't really know
what I'm going to tell her.
Uh, yeah.
Maybe I'll just, like, call her
when I get to Cleveland
or whatever just to,
you know, like, not make it
awkward or whatever.
I don't know,
but what I do know
is that I am going to need
those bad boys for college.
That is for sure.
on my bucket list
has always been to get
a pair of my shoes
over a power line.
It's, like, a part of street
culture or whatever,
and, honestly,
I want to be a part of it,
but it's freaking hard.
Oh! What?
Dude, this is awesome!
- It's my badass Aunt Lola's.
- Ah. What's up, Shrub?
Hey, Lola.
How long are you in town?
Just a few.
Going to make a few sales,
and then I'm going to jet on up
to Sandusky for Ohio Bike Week.
Are you going to buy
a motorcycle?
Mm, nah, but I'm definitely
going to ride some hogs.
So Lola is my mom's sister
and the coolest person
in my whole family,
besides my dad.
She's like if Rhonda Rousey
and a huge, giant bottle
of champagne had a baby.
She owns her own company
that sells, like, pills
and juices and stuff.
Legal pills.
That's really important.
Anyway, she's going to do
a free presentation
while she's at my house
in town,
and she said I could help.
That's her.
♪icon
- Catch you later, Shrub.
- Oh.
Yes! Nailed it.
If you're debating which ones
to throw over a power line,
I have some excellent intel.
What?
No. No. No.
I was going to go for a run,
but I can't remember
which pair are next
in rotation.
It's a real mess.
- Does it matter?
- Actually, no.
Good fix.
Huh, let me guess.
You're here to see
if there's any mail for you.
- Yeah.
- I'm afraid not yet,
but, uh, any day now.
So, like, a month ago,
Father Joe
helped me fill out
an application
for the Cleveland College
of the Arts.
"Citizenship status." Alive.
No. I have not told Kelly yet.
That would be like opening
a whole can of worms,
and I am not talking
the good gummy kind.
Before I joined
the Energize Her family,
I was just like you Flatch women.
I was bored.
I was broke.
I was dating a deadbeat
Kid Rock-wannabe who got mad
when I would stay out
past my bedtime,
blowing my rent money
on coconut-flavored rum
and a rascal of a
"Game of Thrones" slot machine
at an Indian casino
outside of Toledo.
Been there.
Oh. I think it's
Native American casino.
Yah. Correct.
Thank you, sister.
But the point is,
the patriarchy
had brainwashed me
to live and work
in a system that supported
my own oppression.
- That sucks.
- Yes, Kelly.
Mm-hmm.
It sucked,
and then I discovered
Energize Her products,
and I started to harness
my own feminine power
to not just break the glass
ceiling but to crush it.
Kelly, why don't you pass out
some samples of She-Shake
so everybody can see
what the amazing power of
female solidarity tastes like.
Everyone take your pick. Yeah.
Take a look at your watches
so you can mark the exact time
that your lives have changed.
Drink it up.
You feel something kind of,
like, tingling
in the back of your throat?
I feel it.
- Yeah.
- I do.
That's the enzymes, huh?
That's why men don't want you
to know about this stuff?
Take that, men!
Mm.
Okay.
Now, we've got a great
almost all-natural product.
All we need is a sales force
of Sheroes
who are ready to take control
of their lives
with a small up-front
investment.
Let me show you
the levels of empowerment.
We've got Lil Mama, Big Mama,
Girl Boss, and Boss Bitch,
which includes a signature
Boss Bitch blazer.
I do like that blazer.
I'm very concerned this
is a pyramid scheme.
- You're a pyramid scheme, dude.
- Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.
It's okay. It's okay, Kelly.
Yeah?
People ask me this
all the time.
This is not a pyramid scheme.
This is a multi-level
marketing scheme.
I just knocked out
my second 5K of the day.
I found this great app
that lets you run the routes
of other local runners.
I'm trying to beat this runner
who's got the fastest time
around the perimeter of Flatch.
Whoever it is
has local legend status.
Isn't that fun?
Okay, I'm going to go
for another loop.
Excuse me.
So, Aunt Lola ...
Mm-hmm?
I've been thinking
about your company,
and I want to be a Lil Mama.
Oh.
No, kid, you're not ready.
Seriously,
I can sell anything,
like, better than
stupid Nadine.
I'm an influencer in this town,
like, the whole athleisure-wear
thing you see in Flatch?
I started it. Okay.
Kelly, you know I think
you're the she-bomb.
It's not that you
couldn't do this.
- It's just...
- Please don't say, "No."
Like, I want to be
a Boss Bitch so badly.
- Come on.
- I tell you what.
You don't have to register
or sign up or pay the fees.
You just take out
the sample kit
and try some sales tomorrow.
How about that?
- Yes! Yes!
- Yeah?
I even have an extra blazer
you can use.
Okay, you won't be sorry.
I'll be the best
Lil Mama you've seen.
I don't doubt it.
Hi, cutie girlie.
I'm here to give you
a huge opportunity to get
on the ground floor of this.
It's am--
Sexist!
Okay. Yes.
Shrub is fully not a woman,
but I've decided
to let him work for me.
He's not my first pick, obviously,
but he agreed to work for free,
so I figured
I'd give him a shot, you know?
Kel.
Those are my shoes.
Is that why you're wearing
those weird snow boots?
Yeah.
Oh, my God, dude.
I think there's a bird living
in the left one.
What?
Screw you!
Nice mouth, 434 Oak Street!
This is the same place
that gives away
crappy banana-flavored candy
on Halloween.
It's great she's starting
a business,
especially since there's
a chance, y'know,
I'm going to be
on the next train
to college-ville university.
It's just...
It's tricky with her, you know,
'cause she really looks to me
for encouragement
and support, and...
Yeah.
- Hey. Hey. Father Joe!
- Father Joe, stop!
What's up, guys?
I'm trying to beat
a local legend.
Uh, I don't know
what that means,
but you could be
your own local legend.
- How about that?
- Nice.
FJ, today is your lucky day,
if you can believe it,
because I actually started
selling a shake that was
specifically engineered
to energize your run.
Okay, bunny rabbit?
Wait, I thought it was
just for women.
Like the patriarchy would let
anything be just for women.
Okay, Father Joe,
if you commit
to a month's supply
right now,
I can give you a special
introductory 25% off.
I really need to go.
Okay. You know what?
I'm going to call my boss.
Okay? Wait where you are.
Stay still.
Hello?
You too, boss bitch.
Okay, seriously, I'm with
a VIP client right now.
Listen, I know we normally
don't do this,
but if he commits to
a full week's supply right now,
do you think we could maybe
throw in some pens,
maybe a sample of
the skin glow supplement?
- I don't need any of that.
- You do, really bad.
You have no idea.
I can vouch for him.
He's kind of off-and-on,
but I like him.
- Yes?
- Ah?
- Welcome to the family!
- Hey!
- You're in.
- Whoo!
You're going to love it.
There was no one on the phone.
Okay, we can settle up later.
I trust you.
Shrub, give him the pens.
You're going to love those.
Thank you guys,
but I've got to keep moving
on this run, but thank you.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, oh, and, Shrub,
nothing in the mail yet.
No bad news is good news.
- What is that about?
- Nothing.
Man stuff.
What do you mean, "man stuff"?
Tell me now.
Just he has a problem
with his ball bag.
It's like, one of them has
turned hard
like a stone, apparently.
Hey!
Have you told Kelly yet?
He just told me.
Cool, right?
Uh, I don't know
what you want me to say,
to be honest with you.
I'll give you two
more time to discuss.
I told you
I would kill it out there.
- I totally sold out.
- You're a little version of me,
Boss Bitch in the making,
and it was all one customer?
Yeah, but he, like,
is obsessed with it.
He already texted me
he wants more.
- "He"?
- I mean, does it matter,
if we're closing deals?
We really want to be
reaching women, you know,
tapping into
that vast sisterhood
of not just customers
but potential new reps.
Okay.
To be honest, like,
I was kind of striking out
with the ladies.
Let me teach you
a sales technique
that's designed
specifically for women.
It preys
on their own insecurities.
- Okay.
- Kelly, let me level with you.
I know how frustrating thin
and stringy hair can be.
What?
You don't have to pretend
with me; I get it.
I tried, like, a conditioner,
and I paid 15 stupid dollars,
all I had, and it did nothing.
What if I told you
I have a product
that can fix that stringy mess?
- This will fix my nasty hair?
- Yes.
No. Does it matter?
That was a technique.
See what I did?
- Huh?
- Oh, my God.
Yeah, you don't need that crap.
Your hair is great.
I was like,
"What is happening right now?"
You hurt my feelings.
Great.
That's how it works.
My hair is beautiful.
I tell you what.
Why don't I go on a few sales
with you tomorrow.
We'll definitely have
a good time,
share a few laughs,
and maybe I can teach you
a few more sales techniques.
- I would love that.
- Hey. It's a date.
Yeah.
I'm really worried about Joe.
I think he's already fully
addicted to this green stuff.
I ran into him earlier.
He had, like, a permanent
green mustache from it.
Okay, no. I've got to go.
Scrolling through
his recent posts,
I count five 5K runs
in the last 24 hours
and, like, 15 posts about
how much he loves green juice.
Oh. You have to understand.
With Joe, when he gets obsessed
about something,
he can go way down
a rabbit hole.
I mean, when we were together,
he became so obsessed
with jigsaw puzzles
that he wore the fingerprints
off of his
right index finger and thumb.
We have our weekly
brunch tomorrow.
I'm going to talk
to him about it.
Is my skin glowing?
I think it might be. Weird,
right?
And this juice
is actually really tasty.
I think it does
actually energize you.
My last two runs were, like,
a whole minute
faster than usual.
Nice try. Not impressed.
Not impressed.
I don't know
where he is.
Joe is a lot of things,
but he is never late
for our brunch.
Oh, wait.
There he...
goes.
That was Joe.
You just have to go in
acting like
you've got it
already because you do.
Hey, guys!
We got mail.
Swing by later, and we'll see
if we've got some good news
for all of us to celebrate.
Really? Wow. Okay, yeah.
He has, like,
a messed up downstairs area.
Don't they all?
Okay. I gotta go.
You can tell by
the way he runs.
Apparently it's just
like rock hard.
Oh, my God. I am so nervous
because, like, I mean,
if I get in, it's, like,
Cleveland, but what?
They have the Rock & Roll
Hall of Fame and a museum
with authentic dinosaur bones
and art school.
I mean, it's big time,
but then, you know, also,
if I get in,
I gotta deal with Kelly.
She'd, like,
definitely freak out,
and not in a good way, either.
Hey, Kelly.
Elizabeth,
gorgeous to see you.
This is my Aunt Lola, my icon.
- Sup?
- Hi.
So, listen.
Today, we came by to give you
some very exciting news.
- Okay.
- Are you tired of being mousy?
- What?
- Like a timid,
little mousy mouse girl?
What?
Dude, she's not a mouse girl.
What are you talking about?
Kelly thought you might be
excited to hear about a product
that could make your skin glow.
Yes! Don't you want to stop
looking like, you know,
the pale spooky dolls
from the doll museum?
Dude, leave her alone.
Her skin's beautiful.
She's practically perfect.
Okay. I know she's beautiful.
She's gorgeous, okay?
But she's not allowing
that beauty to come out,
and she needs juice for that.
Oh.
Hey, guys.
Care to join us for
a rousing game of crazy eights?
- What are you doing here?
- Just hanging.
"Hanging" or...
or, like, hanging?
Oh, we're full-on hanging
in all the best ways.
- Isn't he funny?
- Absolutely not. I have to go.
Oh, my God.
The juice said it was just
for women, and now, he's dead.
Shrub.
Hey.
I'm just draining the lactic
acid out of my calves.
Oh, my God.
They've been cramping bad.
The letter is on the table.
Oh, my God. I can't open it.
- You want me to open it?
- No.
Yes.
No, don't.
Yeah.
Open it, open it, open it,
open it, please, please.
Okay.
Let's see here.
Oh, God.
"We are thrilled to offer
you a spot
in our visual arts program
for the upcoming semester."
- I got in?
- You got in.
I got--oh, my God, I got in!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Stop. I know exactly
which song I need right now.
- Oh.
- Please move.
♪ Always lived my life alone
♪ Been searching for a place
called home ♪
It's just the intro.
Just wait.
♪ The child
that I used to be ♪
♪ And I know
that it's not too late ♪
♪ Never too late
3:00 a. m.!
The painted cow!
♪
Yeah!
♪
Ooh. I love this song,
have it on
my Let's Get It On mix
right after
"Let's Get It On."
Got to keep them on their toes.
Uh, Mandy, what's up?
Oh. Your presence is requested
in the room.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
I'll miss you.
Okay, welcome to
the Energize Her family.
As a thank-you, we want to
give you this pen on us, okay?
- Mom, whose car is out front?
- Hi, Daniel.
Is your brother
coming for lunch?
He's right behind me.
Who are you people?
Hi, a pleasure to meet you.
We were just talking to your
mom about some lady business.
- Yes.
- Unbelievable.
Another one of these scams?
Don't worry, Marlene, okay?
This isn't a scam.
That's just what the patriarchy
wants us to think.
- Right, Lola?
- Yeah.
I'm going to talk
to my partner for a sec.
Yeah, good.
Kel, I can't lie
to my favorite niece.
Okay.
This company might have elements
of a pyramid built into it.
It does?
Okay, but that's why I didn't
want you to sign up.
So it is a scam.
No, the blazer is basically
free, and I don't think
there's anything too harmful
in the juice, so whatever.
You know what?
We're done here for the day,
so we're just going
to head on out,
and we will be in touch
with you, Marlene.
We've had enough of this crap.
All right?
Rodney, call the cops.
- Cheryl, is it my birthday?
- Oh, rad.
I could use some cake
to settle me down right now.
No, Joe.
This is an intervention.
Will there still be cake?
Oh, well, yes, actually.
I told you
people would want it.
Best day ever.
And it is because you are
such a caring person, Joe,
that you mean a lot
to this community.
We love you,
and we worry
that you push yourself so hard
that you could hurt yourself,
and you missed our brunch.
I was really looking forward
to that brunch.
Cheryl said she loves me,
right?
I mean, you heard it.
I mean,
that's all that matters.
I don't really care about
some stupid mystery runner
or some stupid running app.
I do need my phone.
Thank you, Cheryl.
It means a lot to me.
We just want you to be safe,
and that green stuff is a scam.
It's a pyramid scheme.
- You don't need it.
- What?
100% a scam.
- Should we hug again?
- Yeah, definitely.
Mm.
I have a letter
I would like to read.
Oh, yes, Len, by all means.
"Dear Joe, this is Len
from East Warwick Street.
"I'm writing you today
to tell you
"that I don't like it
when you eat
"your takeout shrimp fried rice
lunches in the community room.
"It smells up the whole room
"and interferes
with my midday nap
that I take
on the couch in there."
You've taken a nap
on the couch?
- I'm very tired.
- Okay. Thank you so much, Len.
Oh, good. You're all here.
Ladies, has the patriarchy
got you down?
Mm-mm.
- Well, with Energize Her...
Nadine, no!
No, Nadine! Out!
Wow. Okay.
Yeah, I just think this is some
sort of weird misunderstanding.
I'm not interested
in your baloney, sweetheart.
Take a seat, and we're going to
wait for the police to show up.
Fellow, fellows, hold up, okay?
I get it.
I know these days it feels like
everywhere you turn,
there's a scam,
bad news everywhere you look,
car payments, electric bills.
You don't have time
for personal care
like you used to, huh?
It's starting to show.
You're not as young
as you used to be.
Your skin is, uh,
what do we say?
- Oh, bleh.
- Bleh. Gross. Disgusting.
Rodney, you are looking
a little blotchy lately.
Yeah, okay?
Blotchy.
She gets it.
You're fine, Rodney.
And you know what, I bet if
y'all try some of our products,
you'll realize this isn't
some kind of evil plot.
- Hey, Kelly.
- Yes?
Get ready to smash
a glass ceiling.
- Go!
- Oh!
- [bleep]! What the--
- See you later, sweetheart!
- Okay.
- What?
Go. Go.
Go. Go. Go. Go.
You get back here.
Go. Go!
Hey. Don't go anywhere!
So, yeah. Energize Her
was a scam all along.
Do I blame Lola?
I mean, a lady has got to do
what a lady has got to do
in a male-dominated
scam economy.
- You got it?
- Yeah.
All I know is
that Lola is a badass
boss bitch super hero, and
I'm a little version of her.
Like, being a business queen's
in my blood.
And, man, we had
so much fun today.
- Write some
- Thank you.
I can't wait to own
my own business like hers,
just be roaming the country,
getting into adventures,
beating up the bad guys,
and, like, throwing pens
in their faces,
just, like, living
the American dream.
Oh.
I have to get Father Joe
back his money
and tell him the juice
was kind of a scam.
Well, I found out
who the local legend was.
Me. Yeah.
Apparently the app
just ups your time
a little bit every day
to push you to beat
your last time, and it works.
I got down to an 8-minute mile.
That's, like, cheetah-fast,
not super-healthy, though.
So much chafing.
Anyways, thanks to Cheryl,
I kicked it.
You know,
when I moved to Flatch,
I thought
that I had to branch out
and make a name for myself,
but the name that
I kept hearing was Cheryl.
I'm addicted to her,
and I'd be crazy to lose that.
So, yeah.
I got into art school,
and as far as Kelly goes,
I-I don't really know
what I'm going to tell her.
Uh, yeah.
Maybe I'll just, like, call her
when I get to Cleveland
or whatever just to,
you know, like, not make it
awkward or whatever.
I don't know,
but what I do know
is that I am going to need
those bad boys for college.
That is for sure.