Welcome to Chippendales (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Velveeta - full transcript

I do
not want a gas station.

That was my dream
when I came here.

I'm going to start
my own business.

- The cowboys again?
- It was better the first 10 times.

It's Steve. Banerjee?

What you really
need is a dedicated choreographer.

- Done.
- I could make the craziest shit

for this place.

Breakaway pants.

- We are hiring this woman.

- See that? The ice.



You're talking monthly lost
revenue on the order of...

$3,000.

- I'm an accountant.

- We could use an accountant.

I hope I didn't overstep.

Uh-huh

- Whooo!

This is Irene Banerjee.

Neither I nor Steve can
come to the phone right now,

so leave your name, number,
and the time you called

and we'll get back to
you as soon as possible.

Hello, Irene. I'm here.

Just thought I'd try to
reach you before the funeral.

Alright, I hope everything's going
smoothly over there in my absence.



Oh, make sure you refill the
ice machine after closing.

It needs to freeze overnight.
Tomorrow's Friday, as you know,

and we don't want to be
short on our busiest night.

- Beautiful!

Yes, please!

- I think you're
just so talented!

- Okay, I'll try again later.

I love you.

- So fucking good!

- It is.

- Yeah!
- Whoo!

- Cheese.

- You know, most parents would
be extremely proud of me.

I've done so much.

I've made it.

Nick?

- Sorry, I'm just... I
just needed a quiet place.

- What's the matter?

That routine, it was
just fucking incredible.

- "Room Service"?

- The spinning bed, the-the...

killer fucking
custom-written song.

- So?

So, how the fuck
am I gonna top it?

And if I do top it, how the
fuck am I gonna top that?

- Well, you don't have to.

I mean, I think that was enough.

- You sound exactly like
someone else I know.

- Oh, Nick, don't you worry
about Steve, that's my job.

Nick. You are an artist.

I support you.

- Thank you, that means a lot.

Now all I need is a fucking
brilliant new routine.

- Well, you are the one
and only Nick de Noia.

- No, no, I'm Sisyphus!

- Sisyphus?
- Sisyphus!

- Ooh, who's Sisyphus?

- Fucking Sisyphus,

I'm forever doomed to roll
the boulder up the hill,

only to have it roll back
down again for all eternity.

Nick.

In the two years that
I have been here,

not once have you ever worried about
coming up with a new dance number.

It'll come to you,
like this did.

Look at that,

look at what you made out there.
- Yeah.

- You should be celebrating.
- Yeah.

- You made that magic,
you'll make it again.

Yeah, you will.
- Yeah.

- You should enjoy tonight!

Stop this, stop this worrying.
- You're fucking right.

- I know.
- What are you doing after work?

- Um, tonight?
- Yeah.

- Like at one a.m.?
- Uh-huh.

- I'm going to sleep.

- Like hell you are.

How am I
gonna dance with anybody else?

Oh, you'll find a way.

I'll have a Manhattan.

- Jose Cuervo, no salt.

- Coca-Cola, please.

- Ow!

We've needed to get out!
- Yeah.

This place is great.

- DJ's great.

- I can't believe
I'm here with you.

It's crazy, I'm
never out this late!

Well...

So leave your name,
number and the time you called,

and we'll get back to
you as soon as possible.

- Irene, where are you?

The show ended an hour ago.

You should be home by now.

Anyway, the funeral is over.

I haven't yet talked to my
mom about the California idea.

I'm going to run it
by her tonight, so...

I'll try again later.

I love you.

- Where is Nick?

- That didn't take long.

- Is he gay?

- Sometimes.

- We are so lucky to have a
genius like that in our midst.

- Yeah, well, two
geniuses, you know, with...

Steve and that business brain of
his and the things he comes up with.

- Three, three geniuses.

You, with your math.

I mean...
- No.

- Take the compliment,
you deserve it.

- Well, four, because of
you, you with those costumes.

You are freaking amazing.

You are a real fashion designer.
- Thank you.

- Yeah.
- This calls for a celebration.

- Yeah.

Oh, um, is that...?

- Cocaine.
- Ooh! Ooh!

- Wait, have you never done it?
- No, I've never even seen it!

I've read about it in
my Ladies' Home Journal.

Oh. Is this safe?

It's better
than safe, it's fantastic!

Okay. Oh, my God.

Wow!

I love cocaine!

IRENE: What? ♪ Oh, babe... ♪

- I'll be right back.
- Okay.

- Who are you?!

- I'm Lance.

- Hi, Lance. Think
you wanna dance?

Oh! Oh! Ooh! Oh, oh!

- Somen.

- Ma.

- California.

- I'm wealthy and successful.

I have more money than every
member of our family put together.

- Wow.

God.

Mmm.

Do you have one single flaw?

I mean...

Your arms...

And...

your stomach.

I could count these

and I wanna slice them.

And... mmm... your...

- Ohh!

- I mean...

Better take it easy with
that, that's a weapon. Ooh!

It's like you were
created in a laboratory.

- What?
- Oh, my God!

No, I mean...

I'm getting...
I'll be right back.

Nick.

Nick!

Nick!

- Sorry, honey.
- Nick.

I have the best fucking idea.
- Ohh!

Oh! Oh! It better
be fucking good.

Oh.

how much living life
one has in a given soul.

- Oh, my God. Yes. Because you
want to get to them, right?

Want to really get to them, I
feel like the ass is gonna do it.

- We have to remind them,

why did they come here?
- Exactly.

- To get laid. All muscle.
- Simple, start simple.

- Yeah.
- But then like, then, then expand on it.

We're talking about
the sharpness.

God! Yes, I love you.

Like the, the thunder
doesn't have any experience.

He's like a newborn
to the whole audience.

That's it!

Hello? STEVE: Irene, hi!

Where have you been?

Steve, how is it going?

- Were you asleep?

- Um... What time is it?

- It's ten past 7:00
over there... PM.

Oh, uh...

I was taking a nap.

- A nap?

Yeah, I was out
pretty late last night.

- I was calling and calling.

- Um, me and Nick and
Denise went out dancing.

Nick really needed to
blow off some steam.

So, we went to this
big crazy disco

and we danced for hours,

and we were out
till almost 3 AM.

You're serious?

- Yeah, yeah.

Oh, I... I tried cocaine.

- What? IRENE:
Have you tried it?

- No, I've never
done co... cocaine.

- It's fun, I
really recommend it.

- Who ga...

Who gave you
cocaine? Was it Nick?

Denise.

But Nick did a bunch too.

So?

- This is...
- Fucking incredible!

Right?

- It is.

It is.

It is! Come here.

It is! Oh, my God!

- It so is! It's fucking gold!
- Oh!

Fuck it is!

Ah...
- Whoo!

- I mean, it's ambitious, Nick.
- Very.

Very ambitious.

It-it-it-it stretches
the limits of the form.

- I don't even know
where it came from,

it just sort of,
it poured out of...

Us.

- Screw me.
- You and me, baby. You and me.

This is Nick. And
this is his hot new roomie, Denise.

We can't come to
the phone right now.

You gave
my wife cocaine?!

- We begin with a pulse.

Ah! An electric pulse

of anticipation, expectation

of what's to come!
- Bom-bom. Bom-bom.

- Go, go, go, go
through the yellow!

- Alright.
- Thank you.

- And then the sound
of rolling thunder!

Yes!

We're in a laboratory.

Somewhere in deepest
eastern Europe.

- It's a laboratory. A
professor, goggles...

A lab coat, in his laboratory,
quite possibly mad.

Because he's hard at work on...

- An experiment!

Hey, morning.

- Who are you?

- I'm Ray. Who are you?

- Who...

I'm the owner.

- Oh, I thought
that was the lady.

- What lady?
- The blonde hair, skinny.

- Irene?
- That's her, yeah, she hired me.

Fulltime handyman, Ray
Colon at your service.

- Irene hired you? When
did Irene hire you?

- Tuesday, Wednesday?

- And she hired you
fulltime, you said?

- Forty hours a week.

I already fixed the ice machine,
replaced all the tubing.

- The ice machine broke?

You was away.

Sound like you
missed some things.

- Bruce! These are just the
buttocks I've been searching for.

I must
have them for my creature!

- And Dr. Hunkenstein
sneaks up behind Bruce...

scaring him and he
cracks him over the head!

He's down!

People are scared,

their hearts should be beating.

They're alive, they feel alive!

- Steve. Aw, you're home!
- Spotlight on the butt.

How was your trip?

- It was good. What is this?
- Oh, oh, it's the new number.

Uh, it's about a
lovelorn mad scientist

who builds the
ultimate male specimen

out of dismembered body parts.

Um, come, sit.

Uh, you know how Bruce

has the most
amazing bubble butt?

Well, the scientist is gonna
use Bruce's bubble butt

- to build his creature.
- And now...

- Um, you'll see.
- And then,

he takes out his trusty saw

and he begins to saw,

Bruce's buttocks off!

Back
to the laboratory...

on the slab!

Next to Otis's bulging biceps.

- Yes!

Tony's
sculptured chest.

Whooo!

And now it is time!

It is time!

- Scientist throws the switch!

Pow!

- And with a blast
of DC current,

he has formed the most
perfect, flawless male specimen

anyone's ever conceived.

He is Dr. Hunkenstein's

manster!

Hooray for everyone. Oh!
- I know. Orgasmic.

- What is... What
is happening here?

- Oh, hey, Steve.
- What is this?

- It's...

- Steve...
- It's called "Hunkenstein."

It's a three-part rock opera.
- Rock opera.

Rock opera? NICK: Yes!

We're pushing the
limits of the form, Steve.

- And this is Omega Stone,

they're one of the
hottest new bands in L.A.

They're-they're
gonna record three...

No covers.

- What? What do you mean, no?
- No.

All of this, no.

- No, no, no, I don't think you under...
- It is not respectable.

It is sick and demented.

- Oh, no, no, no. It's not...
- No, no, no. No.

There's a playfulness to it.
- It's so sweet. Yeah.

- It's got a tongue-in-cheek...
- A tongue-in-cheek quality,

that, that, that undercuts the violence.
- I do not know what that means.

- Well, you'll understand
better when you see it.

- I don't want to see it,
and I'm not going to see it.

- Well, I am sorry to hear
that, because we're doing it.

No. No new dancer,
no band, no rock opera.

- Excuse me?
- No, we are not doing it.

- Look, Steve, you gave me...
- No, you look!

I am the boss, this is my
club, and you are my employee!

You are all my
employees, is that clear?

Is that clear?

Go!

Fuck!

- God. What a fucking...

- He's a fucking lunatic.

- I know. I...

- You know what, we should quit.

- What?

- We should fucking quit. We
should start our own place.

- Uh, what are you talking about?
- Our own club. Our own competing club.

Fucking drive him
out of business.

- That's crazy, Nick.
- What's so crazy about it?

- Because this club is thriving.

- Yeah, because of us!

The only thing that
makes this place special

is what we bring to it,
what we bring to it.

- Look, I know he's
a pain in the ass.

- You know, we could
poach the dancers.

They have no allegiance to him
whatsoever, except maybe Otis.

- Hold on, he just came back
from his father's funeral.

He's obviously in a mood.
- Jesus Christ.

- So I just feel like we could
reapproach "Hunkenstein" in a week

in like a week or two.
- This isn't about "Hunkenstein"!

Denise!

It's about... all of it,

the-the-the undermining,

the nickel-and-diming,

the fucking spending cap
on props and fucking sets.

I mean, what was that that he said
about the show, he said the show is...

- Sufficiently spectacular.
- Sufficiently fucking spectacular.

I mean, what the fuck is that?

He doesn't care about
the show, not like we do!

- Yeah.
- No, all he cares about is

the fucking bottom line.

His bottom line.

- Well... let's just talk to him.
- Fuck.

Oh, you think I haven't talked to
him? You think I haven't tried?

There is no getting
through to that man.

He's... he's fucking crazy!

- Severed limbs, monsters
made of body parts?

- I don't know, I kind of like it.
- That grotesque horror show?

- It's... It's stretching
the limits of the form.

- Whose side are you on?
- Steve, I'm not on anybody's side.

- I go away for a few days and
suddenly you are with them?

- We're all on the same team.
- Partying until dawn,

experimenting with drugs?

- We just went out dancing.

- And what's with you
hiring a handyman, huh?

- It made sense,
with the repairs

it was more cost-effective.
- That is not the point.

- Then what is the point?
- The point is,

you do not do the hiring
around here, I do!

- What happened over there?

- Nothing.

- You're such a bad liar.

- Hey.

Can we try again?

- Try what?

There's really nothing to say.

- About your father's funeral

and the first time you
went home in six years?

You brought back
all the Velveeta.

Steve.

You gotta let me in.

- To what?

- To what's going on in there.

- I have far fewer
thoughts than you imagine.

- I don't believe that.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey!

You're tough, I know that.

You don't have to be with me.

- This is silly.

- What is?

Talking, sharing
things with your wife?

- Yes.

My father died, it's sad.
What else is there to say?

- Hey.

Look at me.

- Where are you going?

- To watch TV.

Just let me know when
you wanna be loved.

- Come on, guys, energy, please!

And five, six, seven, eight.

And chest, two, three,
four, and pas de bourrée.

Pas de... No, stop, stop, stop!
What the hell are you doing?

How many times do I have
to tell you, this is slow?

And pas de bourrée...

You
handled that well yesterday.

No, no, no.
Let's take five, guys.

- Apex predator shit.

I see you.

- Thank you.

- These dudes, they don't
understand the responsibilities

that come with being the boss.

You know, heavy is the head that
wears the crown, am I right?

You gotta keep 'em in line.

Or they're gonna
walk all over you.

- What did you say
your name was again?

- Ray Colon, at your service.

- You do electrical?

- Electrical,
carpentry, plumbing.

You know, whatever y'all need.

HVAC, auto repair,
photography, kung fu.

- Kung fu?
- I study it.

You know, enough to use
it should the need arise,

which it does.

Just from time to time.

It commands respect,
you catch my drift?

- I don't.

- Where you from?

- India.
- Yeah? I'm from the Bronx.

Arthur Avenue, by
way of San Juan.

Don't come from much,
don't have much.

I got family in PR, but...

never go.

- I just got back from Bombay.

Oh, yeah?

- My father, uh...

he died.

- Shit, man.

I'm, uh... sorry to hear that.

- It's okay.

He was sick.

- Did you say you
do photography?

- Photography, shit, man.

I got a motherfuckin' Nikon.

There you go.

Oh, yes. Now, look at the woman.

And good, yes, yes.
Look into the camera.

Okay, yes. RAY:
Who's the king?

- Bruce is the king. RAY:
Bruce. There you go. Okay.

- Don't smile. Be very serious.

There you go.
That's so good.

- Twist your buttocks, face
the camera a little bit.

Tuck in your buttocks,
stand up straight.

Okay.

What do you think, Ray?

- I think it was good.
That raw energy, you know?

- Yeah, I feel it.

You look good, thank you.

Otis.

Let's make magic, my friend.

Ray! RAY: I'm comin', boss.

- That's it, hold that. Perfect.
- Yeah, yeah.

Oh, wonderful.

Yes!

Now, yes, you are
in the girl's house

and you are not married to her.

- This little alien,
he's almost like a baby.

- Right, so adorable.

- And when he
pointed his finger,

it lit up.
- I know.

- I know!
- What does that mean?

Is it... It's magical.

- Well, it's the heart light
coming through the finger, I think.

Oh!

- I knew you'd love it.

Oh.

Hey, hey, Bobby,
where is everybody?

- They're at Steve's.

- As in his house?

Yep.

Um...

- Okay.
- There you go, that's your throne.

Arch your back.

Fucking sexy!

Ladies are gonna be flickin'
their beans to this one, boss.

Ha, ha, ha!
- What?

- What's that?
- What did you say?

- Flickin' their beans.

- Is this a Spanish thing?

- Teach you later,
how about that?

- Yes, put your toes
in facing each other.

Here we are.

Could've fucking called.

- What if Bobby was wrong?

- All the fucking cars are here.

Jesus Christ.

Fuck. I'm going around.

Well, oh, oh, oh...

- Unbelievable.
- How is he playing loud music

when he doesn't even smile?

- Here, give me a boost.

Yeah. Okay.
- Ready?

One, two, three!

Oh shit.
- You okay?

I'll live.

- Oh, you...

Yeah.

Goddamn it.

Right there.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

- There you go.

That's it.

- Nick! I didn't
know you were coming.

- That's it, more of that.
- You heard the man.

More of that, baby.

More of that right there.

- You mind telling me
what the fuck's going on?

- Oh, hey, Nick.

- Hey!
- We're making a calendar.

- A calendar!

Oh!

- Is something the matter?
- Actually, yes.

For starters, you pulled my dancers
from rehearsal without informing me.

- Well, the other day...
- And second, you're doing a photo shoot.

- And?
- Without my involvement.

Why would I
need your involvement?

- Are you fucking with me?

'Cause I genuinely
can't tell sometimes.

- I'm not fucking with you.

- A calendar is something
I should be involved in.

It's something that I
should be in charge of.

- But merchandise is my domain.

- A calendar is not a fucking
coffee mug. It's creative.

There's artistic choices involved:
staging, lighting, wardrobe.

- We're doing all that, yeah.
- Who the fuck is that?

Who's that?
- Oh, that's Bradley.

- And who the fuck are they?

- Jason, Jason, Ethan.

- Well...
- You know, there are 12 months in a year.

- Yes, thank you.
- So there are 12 months in a calendar.

And we only have six dancers.

- But they're not Chippendales.

- Yeah. Oh, neither are they.

But they're so handsome,
who's going to complain?

- This is, this is
fucking bullshit.

- That's bullshit.
- This is bullshit!

- I'm sorry you feel that way.

Ah! Okay, could you step aside
so we can finish the shoot?

- Are you fucking serious?

- Yeah, I mean, Bradley
hasn't shot yet,

and one of the
Jasons is still...

- Okay, yeah, you
want me to step aside?

Yeah.

I will step aside.

- I think we could just not...

You're smarter than this, Steve.

- Wonderful!

- You okay?
- Wonderful work, everyone!

- Nick.

Uh... Wait a second!
You can talk to me.

- Denise, just...

Uh...

Where are you going?

We're all set. Let's
go. - Thank you.

- Can you get me on the
next flight to New York?

- One-way or round trip?
- One-way.

- First class or coach?
- First class.

- Smoking or not smoking?

- Oh, fucking smoking.