Welcome Back, Kotter (1975–1979): Season 4, Episode 6 - Beau's Jest - full transcript
Buchanan High gets a new student, Beau DeLabarre from New Orleans, who uses his southern charm to hit on several girls including Juan's girlfriend. Juan strikes back, then Beau sets him up with a girl who has a jealous husband.
EXCUSE ME, YOUNG MAN,
ARE YOU A STUDENT HERE?
YOU KNOW, THE BEST THING
FOR A COUGH LIKE THAT
IS TO SNUGGLE UP
TO A HOT VAPORIZER?
OF COURSE, IT'LL TAKE THE
GREASE OUT OF YOUR MOUSTACHE.
LISTEN, THIS
BUILDING'S A SCHOOL,
AND IF YOU'RE A STUDENT,
YOU SHOULD BE INSIDE...
UNLESS YOU'RE A
BENCH-WARMER FOR A WINO.
WELL, I'M GONNA
BECOME A STUDENT,
BUT I COULD BE TALKED OUT OF IT.
WELL, I'M GONNA BE
YOUR VICE PRINCIPAL.
MY NAME IS MR. KOTTER.
NICE TO MEET YOU, MR. KOTTER.
I'M BEAU DE LABARRE,
I'M FROM NEW ORLEANS.
DE LABARRE, OF COURSE,
I GOT YOUR
TRANSCRIPTS A WEEK AGO.
WHERE'VE YOU BEEN?
YOU KNOW, I LOVE
THAT VOICE, SIR.
WHAT A BEAUTIFUL INSTRUMENT.
WHY, WITHOUT EVEN BEING TOLD,
I CAN HEAR I'M IN THE PRESENCE
OF THE TOP DOG, THE
BIG KAHUNA HIMSELF.
LISTEN, MY FRIEND, I
THINK YOU BETTER GET
YOUR BIG KAHUNA INTO SCHOOL
OR YOU'RE GONNA BE IN MUCHO
TROUBLE, YOU UNDERSTAND?
YOU TAKE CARE OF
THAT NASTY COLD.
OH, LITTLE DARLINGS, CAN
I ESCORT YOU INTO CLASS?
HEY, I LOVE THAT COUGH, SIR.
THAT ACT IS NEVER GONNA
WORK IN THIS SCHOOL.
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YOU ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YOU ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASE HIM A LOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪♪
OH, HEY, DORIS, DORIS,
WE'RE ALL SET FOR
TOMORROW NIGHT.
LOOK AT WHO'S FIGHTING
IN THE MAIN EVENT HERE.
WE GOT "GREASE GUN" GOMEZ
VERSUS AL "THREE TOES" TORTELLINI.
TORTELLINI EATS
BARBED WIRE FOR LUNCH.
JUAN, I CAN'T STAND BLOOD.
YOU KNOW, ME NEITHER.
I'D RATHER SEE LUMPS,
BRUISES, AND CONTUSIONS.
GOOD, THEN YOU GO
TO THE FIGHTS WITH HIM.
OH, DORIS, WHY DON'T
YOU DO WHAT I DO?
KEEP YOUR EYES CLOSED AND
THROW CUSHIONS AT THE REFEREE.
I'M NOT GOING.
I PAID GOOD AMERICAN
DOLLARS FOR THESE TICKETS.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN
YOU AIN'T GOING?
THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE IS
RIGHT OVER THERE, BEAU.
OH, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
I'M NEW HERE AND
SOMEWHAT DEPENDENT
UPON THE KINDNESS OF STRANGERS.
THANK YOU FOR THIS, TOO.
"555-2161."
YOU JUST STAY BY YOUR
PHONE TONIGHT, HEAR?
YOU'LL REMEMBER MY
NUMBER, TOO, WON'T YOU, BEAU?
OH, DARLING, THERE
ARE THREE THINGS
BEAU DE LABARRE NEVER FORGETS:
NAMES, PHONE NUMBERS,
AND HOW TO HANG UP
IF YOUR DADDY ANSWERS.
EXCUSE ME.
HI, MY NAME'S BEAU DE
LABARRE FROM NEW ORLEANS.
I'M NEW HERE, AND I WONDERED
IF YOU MIGHT DIRECT ME
TO THE NEAREST
PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE.
WELL, HUSH MY PUPPIES!
I TELL YOU WHAT YOU
GOT TO DO, DARLING.
WHAT YOU GOT TO DO IS YOU GO
AROUND THE OLD MAGNOLIA BUSH,
DOWN TOBACCO ROAD,
THEN... UP YOUR PLANTATION.
BUT... US POOR WHITE TRASH,
WE JUST TAKE THE
THIRD DOOR ON THE LEFT.
AND LAND SAFE NOW
CHILD, LAND SAFE.
YOU MAKE SURE YOUR
MAMA KNOW WHERE YOU IS.
SHE GONNA BE WORRIED ABOUT YOU.
I'M SURE YOU GENTLEMEN
WOULDN'T MIND
IF THIS YOUNG LADY
SHOWED ME THE WAY.
NOT IF YOU WOULDN'T
MIND GETTING A BOLL WEEVIL
SHOVED UP YOUR NOSE.
LISTEN, FELLAS,
I'M NOT LOOKING FOR ANY TROUBLE.
I'M JUST LOOKING FOR
THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE,
OR ANYTHING ELSE I
MIGHT FIND ALONG THE WAY.
WELL, FIDDLE-DE-DEE,
MASTER JUAN.
THE SOUTH DONE ROSE AGAIN.
GET OFF MY BACK.
THAT NEW SOUTHERN
DUDE'S JUST A MOUTH.
YEAH, IT'S TOO BAD HIS MOUTH
IS GONNA BE ALL
OVER DORIS' LIPS.
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE YOUR
LIPS ALL OVER YOUR FACE?
I WOULDN'T LIKE THAT AT ALL.
- WELL, I DIDN'T THINK SO.
- WELL, YOU'RE VERY PSYCHIC.
NOW, GABE, DON'T FORGET
THAT THE CHICKEN SOUP
IS ON THE STOVE, AND PLEASE
DON'T WALK AROUND THE APARTMENT
WITHOUT YOUR SLIPPERS
AND BATH ROBE, OKAY?
DON'T FORGET TO TAKE
YOUR MEDICINE EITHER.
BYE-BYE.
JULIE, GET YOUR PAD, PLEASE.
THIS MEMO HAS TO
GO OUT RIGHT AWAY.
"TO ALL STUDENTS
TAKING DRIVER EDUCATION:
UNLESS THE STEERING WHEEL
AND TRANSMISSION ARE RETURNED...
DRIVER ED CLASSES
WILL BE TERMINATED."
EXCLAMATION POINT!
HI, MRS. KOTTER.
OH, HI, DORIS.
THIS IS BEAU... DE LABARRE?
NO, "BEAU DE LABARRE."
IT SHOULD FLOW.
HE'S FROM NEW ORLEANS.
THAT'S "NEW ORLEANS."
THAT SHOULD FLOW, TOO,
JUST LIKE "MISSISSIPPI."
DORIS, WHY DON'T YOU
FLOW OFF TO CLASS?
PRETTY LITTLE LADY'S RIGHT.
I THINK I CAN HANDLE
IT FROM HERE.
YOU CAN HANDLE ANYTHING
FROM ANYWHERE AT ANY TIME.
MY, I LIKE WHAT I'M SMELLIN'.
MAY I INQUIRE WHAT IT IS?
WHY, YES YOU MAY.
IT'S TYPING CLEANER.
BOY, I... YOU KNOW, I
LOVE OFFICE HUMOR.
- MY DADDY ONCE TOLD ME...
- UH, MR. WOODMAN.
THIS IS BEAU DE LABARRE, A
NEW STUDENT FROM NEW ORLEANS.
DE LABARRE?
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
OOH, I LOVE THAT VOICE, SIR.
YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO
REPORT HERE A WEEK AGO.
WITHOUT EVEN BEING TOLD,
I CAN HEAR I'M IN THE
PRESENCE OF THE HEAD HONCHO.
YOU CAN TELL THAT
JUST FROM THE VOICE?
YES, INDEED!
AND YOUR FLAIR FOR FASHION.
WELL, THANK YOU, DE LABARRE.
POLYESTER BREATHES SO WELL.
JULIE, LET ME HAVE
HIS TRANSCRIPT.
I WANT TO GET MR. DE
LABARRE SITUATED.
AFTER YOU, SIR.
NO, NO, NO, AFTER YOU.
OH, I INSIST.
THANK YOU.
THAT'S A NICE KID.
YOU WERE EXPELLED
FROM SEVEN SCHOOLS?
IT'S NOT A RECORD I'M
PROUD OF, MR. WOODMAN.
IT WOULD BE VERY EASY
FOR ME TO POINT A FINGER
AT THE DECADENT CONDITIONS
THAT EXISTED AT THAT POINT IN TIME.
OH, I CAN IMAGINE
HOW YOU SUFFERED.
I KNOW NONE OF THIS
EXCUSES MY PAST BEHAVIOR,
BUT MY DADDY TAUGHT ME
THERE ARE THREE THINGS
A REAL MAN NEVER DOES:
CHEAT AT CARDS, LIE AT LOVE,
OR STEP ON A PREGNANT ALLIGATOR.
THAT'S SO TRUE.
UNFORTUNATELY,
YOUR GRADES PUT YOU
IN THE REMEDIAL GUIDANCE CLASS.
THAT MAKES YOU A SWEATHOG.
SWEATHOG?
THAT SOUNDS GROSS.
IT IS.
THAT DON'T LOOK NOTHIN'
LIKE MR. WOODMAN.
IT AIN'T SUPPOSED
TO BE MR. WOODMAN.
IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE THAT
SOUTHERN FRIED PHONY,
BEAU DIDDLY.
OH, YEAH, YEAH, I SEE IT NOW.
IT'S ALMOST
PERFECT, LITTLE JUAN!
EXCEPT FOR THE EYES,
THE NOSE, AND THE HAIR.
♪ LOOK FOR THE
CONFEDERATE LABEL ♪
♪ WHEN YOU ARE
BUYING YOUR BVDs ♪
HEY, MAN, HOW YOU GET
THAT DUDE'S SHORTS?
THEY CAME WITH HIS PANTS.
YEAH, HE'S IN GYM CLASS
RIGHT NOW TAKIN' A SHOWER.
UH, YOU LEFT HIS ZIPPER OPEN.
NOW, NOW, NOW, NOW,
HONEY CHILD, HONEY CHILD,
HONEY CHILD, THAT WILL NEVER DO!
WE HAVE A DRESS CODE HERE.
SIR, YOU ARE A DISGRACE
TO YOUR REGIMENT, SIR.
OH!
I USED TO HAVE AN
UNCLE LIKE THAT,
ONLY HE USED TO
WORK WITH A RAINCOAT.
MR. EPSTEIN.
MR. DE LABARRE!
I UNDERESTIMATED YOU.
ALLOW ME TO SALUTE YOUR CUNNING,
YOUR DEXTERITY, AND
SINCE YOU'RE HOLDING
THAT STAPLE GUN, YOUR
CHOICE OF WEAPONS.
WELL, YOU JUST STAY AWAY
FROM MY WOMEN, DE LABARRE,
BECAUSE THE NEXT TIME I
STAPLE UP THESE CLOTHES,
YOU'RE GONNA BE IN 'EM.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT
LITTLE... COTTON PICKER.
HOW MANY GIRLS DOES HE NEED?
I SAW HIM IN THE LIBRARY.
HE RETURNED ONE BOOK
AND CHECKED OUT
TWO CHEERLEADERS.
EXCUSE ME, LADIES.
JUAN, JUAN.
YOU KNOW, I'M NEW HERE,
I WONDERED IF I MIGHT
PICK YOUR BRAINS.
WELL, UH, YOU CAN TRY,
BUT YOU'RE PICKIN'
AT AN EMPTY FIELD.
AH!
COME ON, COME ON.
YEAH, SURE, SURE.
THAT LITTLE DENTAL
HYGIENIST OVER THERE,
SHE NEEDS A DATE FOR TONIGHT.
I'D ASK YOU TO FILL IN,
BUT I'D HATE TO RISK YOU
FALLING BEHIND ON
YOUR SCHOOL WORK.
HE'S TWO YEARS BEHIND
NOW, WHAT'S ANOTHER NIGHT?
HEY, UH, YOU COULD
RECOMMEND ME, LITTLE JUAN.
NO OFFENSE, ARNOLD,
BUT THIS IS A, UH,
PHYSICAL WOMAN.
HER TASTE DOESN'T
RUN TOWARD THE, UM...
INTELLECTUAL.
WHAT DO YOU SAY, JUAN,
ARE YOU GONNA HELP ME OUT?
YEAH, SURE, SURE, I'LL
DO YOU A FAVOR THIS TIME,
BUT YOU OWE ME ONE.
COME ON, LET'S GO OVER
AND CHECK OUT THE GOODS.
OH, FREDDIE...
WE NEVER SHOULD'VE
LET LITTLE JUAN GO OUT
WITH THAT DENTAL TECHNICIAN.
DON'T LET THAT SMILE FOOL YOU.
SHE PROBABLY GAVE
HIM A GOOD FLOSSING
AND SENT HIM STRAIGHT HOME.
YEAH, SURE, SURE,
THAT'S WHY I GOT
ANOTHER APPOINTMENT
WITH HER FOR TONIGHT.
COME ON, GUYS, I'M TALKIN'
ABOUT A SOPHISTICATED LADY HERE.
MARLENE PALUMBO
HAPPENS TO BE A GRADUATE
OF DR. WALDHEIM'S
SCHOOL OF ORAL HYGIENE.
THAT'S A TERRIFIC SCHOOL.
THEY ADVERTISE ON EVERY
MATCHBOOK IN THE CITY.
THAT'S RIGHT,
AND AFTER I DUMPED
BEAU AND HIS DATE,
I TOOK MARLENE TO THE FIGHTS.
NOW, COME ON, EPSTEIN, COME ON.
LET'S GET DOWN TO
THE REAL NITTY-GRITTY.
WHAT HAPPENED... AFTER
YOU TOOK HER HOME?
WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENED?
SHE'S A DENTAL
HYGIENISIST, ISN'T SHE?
I GET IT, I GET IT.
THEY DRANK BEER
OUT OF A WATERPIK.
NOTHIN' HAPPENED,
THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED!
OH, YEAH, SURE,
NOTHIN' HAPPENED.
JUAN, JUAN.
I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW, I'M
MIGHTY SORRY ABOUT LAST NIGHT.
IT'S JUST YOUR OWN FAULT,
BEAU, YOU JUST PICKED
THE WRONG GIRL, THAT'S ALL.
YEAH, JUAN GOT THE SWINGER
WITH THE WATERPIK.
THAT'S RIGHT, SHE SAW JUAN
THROUGH HIS CAVITY-PRONE YEARS
IN ONE NIGHT.
I WISH THAT HADN'T HAPPENED.
WELL, BEAU, SHE JUST COULDN'T
HELP HERSELF, YOU KNOW?
YOU'RE JUST LOOKING AT A MAN
HERE WITH ANIMAL MAGNITUDE.
THAT MAY BE TRUE,
BUT IT'S NOT GONNA PUT YOU IN
GOOD STEAD WITH HER HUSBAND.
HUSBAND?
HEY, MAN, YOU DIDN'T TELL
US THAT CHICK WAS MARRIED.
HEY, DON'T BLAME
JUAN, HE DIDN'T KNOW.
I JUST FOUND OUT MYSELF.
SHE'S GOT AN OLD MAN?
WELL, UNFORTUNATELY,
HE'S NOT THAT OLD.
JUAN, I FEEL TERRIBLE
ABOUT ALL THIS,
AND I'M GONNA DO
EVERYTHING I CAN
TO SMUGGLE YOU
OUT OF THE COUNTRY.
SMUGGLE ME OUT OF THE COUNTRY?
WELL, I PRESUME
THAT'S HOW YOU GOT IN.
HEY, GUY, JUAN EPSTEIN
DON'T RUN FROM NOBODY.
I MEAN, I'VE WORKED OVER MORE
FACES THAN A PLASTIC STURGEON.
THAT KIND OF COURAGE
MAY SERVE YOU WELL,
BECAUSE MARLENE...
MRS. PALOMBO, THAT IS...
LIKENS HER HUSBAND
TO THE INCREDIBLE HULK.
THE INCREDIBLE HULK?
JUAN.
JUAN, THERE'S A PHONE
CALL FOR YOU IN THE OFFICE.
IT'S A MRS. PALOMBO.
JUAN, SHE IS HYSTERICAL.
SOMETHING ABOUT
YOU AND HER HUSBAND
AND KILLING.
SANTOS GEVALT!
JUAN, MRS. PALOMBO'S ON
THE PHONE WAITING FOR YOU.
NO SPEAK THE ENGLISH.
HI, THERE.
YEAH, YEAH.
JUST HOLD UP, I'M
LISTENIN', ALL RIGHT.
WELL, I JUST MISSED
THE PART WHERE YOU SAY
YOUR HUSBAND WAS
GONNA TEAR OFF JUAN'S ARM
AND USE IT TO
BREAK BOTH HIS LEGS.
OH, THESE ARE VIOLENT
TIMES, MRS. KOTTER.
GUYS, SINCE WHEN HAS JUAN
STARTED DATING MARRIED WOMEN?
WELL, SINCE LAST NIGHT.
THAT SOUTHERN DUDE
REALLY FIXED JUAN UP.
WITH MRS. PALOMBO, THE WIFE?
ENTER MR. PALOMBO, THE GORILLA.
EXIT JUAN, THE FRIGHTENED.
SOON TO BE JUAN, THE PULVERIZED.
- LET'S SPLIT.
- SEE YOU AT THE FUNERAL.
- SEE YOU LATER.
- BYE NOW.
JUAN, JUAN, YOU BEEN IN
THERE FOR THREE HOURS.
YOU CAN COME OUT NOW.
ANY SIGNS OF GODZILLA?
NO.
IF YOU ASK ME, THAT
DUDE AIN'T SHOWIN'.
LOOK, FREDDIE,
IF I DON'T MAKE IT
THROUGH THIS DAY,
THERE'S SOMETHIN'
HERE I WANT YOU TO HAVE.
"MY LAST WILL AND TENEMENT."
DO YOU THINK HE'S
GONNA BUMP HIMSELF OFF?
HOW, FLUSH HIMSELF
DOWN A TOILET?
"I, JUAN SANCHEZ JOSE
MARTINEZ GUADALUPE SANDOVAL
ORTEGA VALDEZ
JESUS ANGEL CORDERO
DI HUEVOS
EPSTEIN... THE THIRD...
I HEREBY LEAVE TO MY GOOD
FRIEND, FREDDIE WASHINGTON..."
OH, FREDDIE, HEY!
"THE PRICELESS CONTENTS OF
THE TOP SHELF OF MY LOCKER:
TWO HUBCAPS FROM A POLICE CAR."
"TO MY DEAREST AND
BEST BELOVED FRIEND,
ARNOLD HORSHACK..." OH, JUAN!
"I LEAVE ALL OF MY
EXCUSE NOTES," OH!
"AND ALSO MY MOTHER'S RECIPE
FOR MATZAH BALLS RANCHERO."
HEY, JUAN, HEY, MAN,
THAT'S BEAUTIFUL,
BROTHER, THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.
HEY, JUAN, DON'T
GIVE UP THE HOPE, MAN.
YOU GOT US TO PROTECT
YOU, DON'T WORRY.
OH, YEAH, JUAN, DON'T WORRY.
YOU'LL MAKE IT THROUGH THE DAY,
BUT JUST IN CASE YOU DON'T,
HOW COME FREDDIE
GETS MORE THAN ME?
SORRY, ARNOLD.
I RAN OUT OF PAPER.
MRS. KOTTER, THESE
SUPPLIES JUST CAME IN FOR YOU.
THOUGHT I'D BRING 'EM UP
JUST TO LIGHTEN YOUR LOAD.
YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE BOTHERED.
JUST TRYING TO BE HELPFUL.
LIKE YOU WERE WITH JUAN?
I HEARD ABOUT THE BIG
FAVOR YOU DID HIM LAST NIGHT.
FROM YOUR TONE, I
GATHER YOUR RESPONSE
IS LESS THAN ENTHUSIASTIC.
YOU GATHER RIGHT.
YOU KNOW, I THINK YOU KNEW
THAT MRS. PALOMBO WAS MARRIED
BEFORE YOU EVER
FIXED JUAN UP WITH HER.
YOU WERE JUST ANGRY
BECAUSE HE STAPLED
YOUR CLOTHES TO THE WALL.
MRS. KOTTER, IMAGINE
HOW YOU'D FEEL
WITH A WHOLE
SCHOOL FULL OF PEOPLE
STARING AT YOUR PANTIES.
ON THE WALL, I MEAN.
IS THIS HOW YOU DID THINGS
DOWN IN NEW ORLEANS?
WELL, TO CORRECT YOUR LOW
OPINION OF ME, MRS. KOTTER,
I'M GONNA LET YOU
IN ON A LITTLE SECRET.
THERE IS NO MRS. PALOMBO.
DON'T LIE, BEAU.
I SPOKE TO THE WOMAN
ON THE PHONE MYSELF.
OH, YOU SPOKE TO
MARLENE, ALL RIGHT.
I HAD MARLENE MAKE THE CALL,
BUT MARLENE ISN'T MARRIED,
WHICH OF COURSE MEANS
THERE IS NO MR. PALOMBO EITHER.
BUT THERE IS A
TERRIFIED JUAN EPSTEIN
HIDING SOMEWHERE AND
MISSING ALL OF HIS CLASSES.
HE CAN THANK ME FOR THAT LATER.
BEAU, THIS MAY NOT
MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU,
BUT JUAN EPSTEIN HAS
A LEARNING PROBLEM,
WHICH MEANS HE CANNOT
AFFORD TO MISS ANY CLASSES.
YOU REALLY CARE
ABOUT THESE SWINEHOGS.
SWEATHOGS.
AND YES, I DO.
AND SO DOES MY HUSBAND.
HE HAS YEARS OF
AGGRAVATION INVESTED IN THEM.
WELL,
I WAS GONNA LET JUAN SWEAT
IT OUT THE REST OF THE WEEK,
BUT THANKS TO YOU,
HE'LL BE BACK IN CLASS
FIRST THING TOMORROW.
BUT YOU ARE GONNA LET HIM
SQUIRM FOR THE REST OF THE DAY.
YES, MA'AM!
SEE, I CAN'T LET THESE
GUYS PUSH ME AROUND.
BUT DON'T YOU WORRY NOW.
THERE ARE THREE THINGS I
NEVER TAKE AWAY FROM ANY MAN:
HIS DIGNITY, HIS
HONESTY, OR HIS PUBERTY.
DO YOU JUST MAKE
THOSE THINGS UP?
YUP.
DON'T!
THE FLYING FISH HAVE POLYPS!
THE ALBATROSS IS NAKED!
LET'S MOVE, LET'S
GET OUT OF HERE.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE RUSH IS.
I'M ALWAYS IN A RUSH-A
WHEN THERE'S A CONTRACT
OUT ON MY FACE-A.
SCUSI!
JUAN, JUAN.
RELAX, COME HERE.
LOOK, MARLENE ISN'T MARRIED.
THERE IS NO MR. PALOMBO.
I MADE HIM UP.
YOU MEAN TO TELL ME
I SPENT FOUR HOURS
IN A BATHROOM FOR NOTHIN'?
WHERE DO I FIND JUAN EPSTEIN?
HELLO.
WHAT DO YOU WANT-A
WITH THIS-A JUAN EPSTEIN?
TO KILL HIM.
HE TOOK OUT MY GIRL LAST NIGHT.
SEE, MARLENE DON'T KNOW IT,
BUT WE'RE PRACTICALLY ENGAGED.
NOW, WHERE'S EPSTEIN?
YOU WANT TO SEE EPSTEIN?
OKAY, BIG BOY, I'M
GONNA GIVE YOU EPSTEIN.
I'M EPSTEIN.
JUAN!
JUAN, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
I LOVE A GOOD JOKE, BUT
I HATED THE PUNCH LINE.
COME ON.
COME OVER HERE, WHY'D
YOU TELL HIM YOU WAS ME?
I COULDA HANDLED THAT GUY.
THERE ARE THREE
THINGS I NEVER RUN FROM:
A GOOD FIGHT, A GOOD
OFFER, OR A BAD WOMAN.
BESIDES, I HAD IT COMIN'.
WELL, LET ME TELL
YOU SOMETHIN', BEAU.
THERE'S THREE OTHER THINGS
YOU SHOULDN'T RUN FROM.
WHAT?
I'M ONE.
I'M TWO.
I'M THREE.
HEY, YOU GUYS ARE ALL RIGHT.
HOW YOU DOIN',
EVERYBODY? GOOD MORNING.
OH, BACK SO SOON, MR. K.
WELL, I'M SORRY TO
DISAPPOINT YOU, MR. DLB,
BUT YOU CAN ONLY MAKE SO
MUCH SOUP OUT OF ONE CHICKEN.
WELL, THAT'S A LUCKY
THING FOR ALL OF US,
BECAUSE A MAN LIKE YOU WOULD
BE MISSED SOMETHING FIERCE.
NOW, MR. WOODMAN
NEEDS YOU BY HIS SIDE.
THE TWO OF YOU ARE
LIKE... SKILLED NAVIGATORS.
I ONCE HAD AN UNCLE
WHO WAS A NAVIGATOR.
GLAD YOU BROUGHT IT UP.
MY UNCLE MELSER.
YES, SIR, HE WAS A NAVIGATOR.
NOW, ONE TIME, BEAU,
HE WAS IN AFRICA,
AND HE SAW AN
ELEPHANT LYIN' ON ITS SIDE
WITH A THORN IN HIS FOOT.
YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED, BEAU?
HE TOOK THAT THORN OUT
OF THE ELEPHANT'S FOOT.
NOW, THAT ELEPHANT
WAS SO GRATEFUL
THAT HE PICKED MY
UNCLE UP IN HIS TRUNK
AND HE TOOK HIM BACK
TO HIS HOTEL ROOM
AND PUT HIM RIGHT IN HIS
ROOM ON THE SECOND FLOOR.
NOW, ONE YEAR LATER,
MY UNCLE WAS IN
PITTSBURGH IN A CIRCUS...
YES, SIR, HE WAS SITTIN'
THERE WATCHING A CIRCUS,
ELEPHANT COMES
OVER, PICKS HIM UP,
AND THROWS HIM IN THE BALCONY
AND BREAKS BOTH HIS LEGS.
YOU KNOW WHY, BEAU?
IT WAS A DIFFERENT ELEPHANT.
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YOU ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YOU ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASE HIM A LOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ 'CAUSE WE GOT
HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪♪
ARE YOU A STUDENT HERE?
YOU KNOW, THE BEST THING
FOR A COUGH LIKE THAT
IS TO SNUGGLE UP
TO A HOT VAPORIZER?
OF COURSE, IT'LL TAKE THE
GREASE OUT OF YOUR MOUSTACHE.
LISTEN, THIS
BUILDING'S A SCHOOL,
AND IF YOU'RE A STUDENT,
YOU SHOULD BE INSIDE...
UNLESS YOU'RE A
BENCH-WARMER FOR A WINO.
WELL, I'M GONNA
BECOME A STUDENT,
BUT I COULD BE TALKED OUT OF IT.
WELL, I'M GONNA BE
YOUR VICE PRINCIPAL.
MY NAME IS MR. KOTTER.
NICE TO MEET YOU, MR. KOTTER.
I'M BEAU DE LABARRE,
I'M FROM NEW ORLEANS.
DE LABARRE, OF COURSE,
I GOT YOUR
TRANSCRIPTS A WEEK AGO.
WHERE'VE YOU BEEN?
YOU KNOW, I LOVE
THAT VOICE, SIR.
WHAT A BEAUTIFUL INSTRUMENT.
WHY, WITHOUT EVEN BEING TOLD,
I CAN HEAR I'M IN THE PRESENCE
OF THE TOP DOG, THE
BIG KAHUNA HIMSELF.
LISTEN, MY FRIEND, I
THINK YOU BETTER GET
YOUR BIG KAHUNA INTO SCHOOL
OR YOU'RE GONNA BE IN MUCHO
TROUBLE, YOU UNDERSTAND?
YOU TAKE CARE OF
THAT NASTY COLD.
OH, LITTLE DARLINGS, CAN
I ESCORT YOU INTO CLASS?
HEY, I LOVE THAT COUGH, SIR.
THAT ACT IS NEVER GONNA
WORK IN THIS SCHOOL.
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YOU ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YOU ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASE HIM A LOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪♪
OH, HEY, DORIS, DORIS,
WE'RE ALL SET FOR
TOMORROW NIGHT.
LOOK AT WHO'S FIGHTING
IN THE MAIN EVENT HERE.
WE GOT "GREASE GUN" GOMEZ
VERSUS AL "THREE TOES" TORTELLINI.
TORTELLINI EATS
BARBED WIRE FOR LUNCH.
JUAN, I CAN'T STAND BLOOD.
YOU KNOW, ME NEITHER.
I'D RATHER SEE LUMPS,
BRUISES, AND CONTUSIONS.
GOOD, THEN YOU GO
TO THE FIGHTS WITH HIM.
OH, DORIS, WHY DON'T
YOU DO WHAT I DO?
KEEP YOUR EYES CLOSED AND
THROW CUSHIONS AT THE REFEREE.
I'M NOT GOING.
I PAID GOOD AMERICAN
DOLLARS FOR THESE TICKETS.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN
YOU AIN'T GOING?
THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE IS
RIGHT OVER THERE, BEAU.
OH, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
I'M NEW HERE AND
SOMEWHAT DEPENDENT
UPON THE KINDNESS OF STRANGERS.
THANK YOU FOR THIS, TOO.
"555-2161."
YOU JUST STAY BY YOUR
PHONE TONIGHT, HEAR?
YOU'LL REMEMBER MY
NUMBER, TOO, WON'T YOU, BEAU?
OH, DARLING, THERE
ARE THREE THINGS
BEAU DE LABARRE NEVER FORGETS:
NAMES, PHONE NUMBERS,
AND HOW TO HANG UP
IF YOUR DADDY ANSWERS.
EXCUSE ME.
HI, MY NAME'S BEAU DE
LABARRE FROM NEW ORLEANS.
I'M NEW HERE, AND I WONDERED
IF YOU MIGHT DIRECT ME
TO THE NEAREST
PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE.
WELL, HUSH MY PUPPIES!
I TELL YOU WHAT YOU
GOT TO DO, DARLING.
WHAT YOU GOT TO DO IS YOU GO
AROUND THE OLD MAGNOLIA BUSH,
DOWN TOBACCO ROAD,
THEN... UP YOUR PLANTATION.
BUT... US POOR WHITE TRASH,
WE JUST TAKE THE
THIRD DOOR ON THE LEFT.
AND LAND SAFE NOW
CHILD, LAND SAFE.
YOU MAKE SURE YOUR
MAMA KNOW WHERE YOU IS.
SHE GONNA BE WORRIED ABOUT YOU.
I'M SURE YOU GENTLEMEN
WOULDN'T MIND
IF THIS YOUNG LADY
SHOWED ME THE WAY.
NOT IF YOU WOULDN'T
MIND GETTING A BOLL WEEVIL
SHOVED UP YOUR NOSE.
LISTEN, FELLAS,
I'M NOT LOOKING FOR ANY TROUBLE.
I'M JUST LOOKING FOR
THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE,
OR ANYTHING ELSE I
MIGHT FIND ALONG THE WAY.
WELL, FIDDLE-DE-DEE,
MASTER JUAN.
THE SOUTH DONE ROSE AGAIN.
GET OFF MY BACK.
THAT NEW SOUTHERN
DUDE'S JUST A MOUTH.
YEAH, IT'S TOO BAD HIS MOUTH
IS GONNA BE ALL
OVER DORIS' LIPS.
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE YOUR
LIPS ALL OVER YOUR FACE?
I WOULDN'T LIKE THAT AT ALL.
- WELL, I DIDN'T THINK SO.
- WELL, YOU'RE VERY PSYCHIC.
NOW, GABE, DON'T FORGET
THAT THE CHICKEN SOUP
IS ON THE STOVE, AND PLEASE
DON'T WALK AROUND THE APARTMENT
WITHOUT YOUR SLIPPERS
AND BATH ROBE, OKAY?
DON'T FORGET TO TAKE
YOUR MEDICINE EITHER.
BYE-BYE.
JULIE, GET YOUR PAD, PLEASE.
THIS MEMO HAS TO
GO OUT RIGHT AWAY.
"TO ALL STUDENTS
TAKING DRIVER EDUCATION:
UNLESS THE STEERING WHEEL
AND TRANSMISSION ARE RETURNED...
DRIVER ED CLASSES
WILL BE TERMINATED."
EXCLAMATION POINT!
HI, MRS. KOTTER.
OH, HI, DORIS.
THIS IS BEAU... DE LABARRE?
NO, "BEAU DE LABARRE."
IT SHOULD FLOW.
HE'S FROM NEW ORLEANS.
THAT'S "NEW ORLEANS."
THAT SHOULD FLOW, TOO,
JUST LIKE "MISSISSIPPI."
DORIS, WHY DON'T YOU
FLOW OFF TO CLASS?
PRETTY LITTLE LADY'S RIGHT.
I THINK I CAN HANDLE
IT FROM HERE.
YOU CAN HANDLE ANYTHING
FROM ANYWHERE AT ANY TIME.
MY, I LIKE WHAT I'M SMELLIN'.
MAY I INQUIRE WHAT IT IS?
WHY, YES YOU MAY.
IT'S TYPING CLEANER.
BOY, I... YOU KNOW, I
LOVE OFFICE HUMOR.
- MY DADDY ONCE TOLD ME...
- UH, MR. WOODMAN.
THIS IS BEAU DE LABARRE, A
NEW STUDENT FROM NEW ORLEANS.
DE LABARRE?
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
OOH, I LOVE THAT VOICE, SIR.
YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO
REPORT HERE A WEEK AGO.
WITHOUT EVEN BEING TOLD,
I CAN HEAR I'M IN THE
PRESENCE OF THE HEAD HONCHO.
YOU CAN TELL THAT
JUST FROM THE VOICE?
YES, INDEED!
AND YOUR FLAIR FOR FASHION.
WELL, THANK YOU, DE LABARRE.
POLYESTER BREATHES SO WELL.
JULIE, LET ME HAVE
HIS TRANSCRIPT.
I WANT TO GET MR. DE
LABARRE SITUATED.
AFTER YOU, SIR.
NO, NO, NO, AFTER YOU.
OH, I INSIST.
THANK YOU.
THAT'S A NICE KID.
YOU WERE EXPELLED
FROM SEVEN SCHOOLS?
IT'S NOT A RECORD I'M
PROUD OF, MR. WOODMAN.
IT WOULD BE VERY EASY
FOR ME TO POINT A FINGER
AT THE DECADENT CONDITIONS
THAT EXISTED AT THAT POINT IN TIME.
OH, I CAN IMAGINE
HOW YOU SUFFERED.
I KNOW NONE OF THIS
EXCUSES MY PAST BEHAVIOR,
BUT MY DADDY TAUGHT ME
THERE ARE THREE THINGS
A REAL MAN NEVER DOES:
CHEAT AT CARDS, LIE AT LOVE,
OR STEP ON A PREGNANT ALLIGATOR.
THAT'S SO TRUE.
UNFORTUNATELY,
YOUR GRADES PUT YOU
IN THE REMEDIAL GUIDANCE CLASS.
THAT MAKES YOU A SWEATHOG.
SWEATHOG?
THAT SOUNDS GROSS.
IT IS.
THAT DON'T LOOK NOTHIN'
LIKE MR. WOODMAN.
IT AIN'T SUPPOSED
TO BE MR. WOODMAN.
IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE THAT
SOUTHERN FRIED PHONY,
BEAU DIDDLY.
OH, YEAH, YEAH, I SEE IT NOW.
IT'S ALMOST
PERFECT, LITTLE JUAN!
EXCEPT FOR THE EYES,
THE NOSE, AND THE HAIR.
♪ LOOK FOR THE
CONFEDERATE LABEL ♪
♪ WHEN YOU ARE
BUYING YOUR BVDs ♪
HEY, MAN, HOW YOU GET
THAT DUDE'S SHORTS?
THEY CAME WITH HIS PANTS.
YEAH, HE'S IN GYM CLASS
RIGHT NOW TAKIN' A SHOWER.
UH, YOU LEFT HIS ZIPPER OPEN.
NOW, NOW, NOW, NOW,
HONEY CHILD, HONEY CHILD,
HONEY CHILD, THAT WILL NEVER DO!
WE HAVE A DRESS CODE HERE.
SIR, YOU ARE A DISGRACE
TO YOUR REGIMENT, SIR.
OH!
I USED TO HAVE AN
UNCLE LIKE THAT,
ONLY HE USED TO
WORK WITH A RAINCOAT.
MR. EPSTEIN.
MR. DE LABARRE!
I UNDERESTIMATED YOU.
ALLOW ME TO SALUTE YOUR CUNNING,
YOUR DEXTERITY, AND
SINCE YOU'RE HOLDING
THAT STAPLE GUN, YOUR
CHOICE OF WEAPONS.
WELL, YOU JUST STAY AWAY
FROM MY WOMEN, DE LABARRE,
BECAUSE THE NEXT TIME I
STAPLE UP THESE CLOTHES,
YOU'RE GONNA BE IN 'EM.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT
LITTLE... COTTON PICKER.
HOW MANY GIRLS DOES HE NEED?
I SAW HIM IN THE LIBRARY.
HE RETURNED ONE BOOK
AND CHECKED OUT
TWO CHEERLEADERS.
EXCUSE ME, LADIES.
JUAN, JUAN.
YOU KNOW, I'M NEW HERE,
I WONDERED IF I MIGHT
PICK YOUR BRAINS.
WELL, UH, YOU CAN TRY,
BUT YOU'RE PICKIN'
AT AN EMPTY FIELD.
AH!
COME ON, COME ON.
YEAH, SURE, SURE.
THAT LITTLE DENTAL
HYGIENIST OVER THERE,
SHE NEEDS A DATE FOR TONIGHT.
I'D ASK YOU TO FILL IN,
BUT I'D HATE TO RISK YOU
FALLING BEHIND ON
YOUR SCHOOL WORK.
HE'S TWO YEARS BEHIND
NOW, WHAT'S ANOTHER NIGHT?
HEY, UH, YOU COULD
RECOMMEND ME, LITTLE JUAN.
NO OFFENSE, ARNOLD,
BUT THIS IS A, UH,
PHYSICAL WOMAN.
HER TASTE DOESN'T
RUN TOWARD THE, UM...
INTELLECTUAL.
WHAT DO YOU SAY, JUAN,
ARE YOU GONNA HELP ME OUT?
YEAH, SURE, SURE, I'LL
DO YOU A FAVOR THIS TIME,
BUT YOU OWE ME ONE.
COME ON, LET'S GO OVER
AND CHECK OUT THE GOODS.
OH, FREDDIE...
WE NEVER SHOULD'VE
LET LITTLE JUAN GO OUT
WITH THAT DENTAL TECHNICIAN.
DON'T LET THAT SMILE FOOL YOU.
SHE PROBABLY GAVE
HIM A GOOD FLOSSING
AND SENT HIM STRAIGHT HOME.
YEAH, SURE, SURE,
THAT'S WHY I GOT
ANOTHER APPOINTMENT
WITH HER FOR TONIGHT.
COME ON, GUYS, I'M TALKIN'
ABOUT A SOPHISTICATED LADY HERE.
MARLENE PALUMBO
HAPPENS TO BE A GRADUATE
OF DR. WALDHEIM'S
SCHOOL OF ORAL HYGIENE.
THAT'S A TERRIFIC SCHOOL.
THEY ADVERTISE ON EVERY
MATCHBOOK IN THE CITY.
THAT'S RIGHT,
AND AFTER I DUMPED
BEAU AND HIS DATE,
I TOOK MARLENE TO THE FIGHTS.
NOW, COME ON, EPSTEIN, COME ON.
LET'S GET DOWN TO
THE REAL NITTY-GRITTY.
WHAT HAPPENED... AFTER
YOU TOOK HER HOME?
WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENED?
SHE'S A DENTAL
HYGIENISIST, ISN'T SHE?
I GET IT, I GET IT.
THEY DRANK BEER
OUT OF A WATERPIK.
NOTHIN' HAPPENED,
THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED!
OH, YEAH, SURE,
NOTHIN' HAPPENED.
JUAN, JUAN.
I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW, I'M
MIGHTY SORRY ABOUT LAST NIGHT.
IT'S JUST YOUR OWN FAULT,
BEAU, YOU JUST PICKED
THE WRONG GIRL, THAT'S ALL.
YEAH, JUAN GOT THE SWINGER
WITH THE WATERPIK.
THAT'S RIGHT, SHE SAW JUAN
THROUGH HIS CAVITY-PRONE YEARS
IN ONE NIGHT.
I WISH THAT HADN'T HAPPENED.
WELL, BEAU, SHE JUST COULDN'T
HELP HERSELF, YOU KNOW?
YOU'RE JUST LOOKING AT A MAN
HERE WITH ANIMAL MAGNITUDE.
THAT MAY BE TRUE,
BUT IT'S NOT GONNA PUT YOU IN
GOOD STEAD WITH HER HUSBAND.
HUSBAND?
HEY, MAN, YOU DIDN'T TELL
US THAT CHICK WAS MARRIED.
HEY, DON'T BLAME
JUAN, HE DIDN'T KNOW.
I JUST FOUND OUT MYSELF.
SHE'S GOT AN OLD MAN?
WELL, UNFORTUNATELY,
HE'S NOT THAT OLD.
JUAN, I FEEL TERRIBLE
ABOUT ALL THIS,
AND I'M GONNA DO
EVERYTHING I CAN
TO SMUGGLE YOU
OUT OF THE COUNTRY.
SMUGGLE ME OUT OF THE COUNTRY?
WELL, I PRESUME
THAT'S HOW YOU GOT IN.
HEY, GUY, JUAN EPSTEIN
DON'T RUN FROM NOBODY.
I MEAN, I'VE WORKED OVER MORE
FACES THAN A PLASTIC STURGEON.
THAT KIND OF COURAGE
MAY SERVE YOU WELL,
BECAUSE MARLENE...
MRS. PALOMBO, THAT IS...
LIKENS HER HUSBAND
TO THE INCREDIBLE HULK.
THE INCREDIBLE HULK?
JUAN.
JUAN, THERE'S A PHONE
CALL FOR YOU IN THE OFFICE.
IT'S A MRS. PALOMBO.
JUAN, SHE IS HYSTERICAL.
SOMETHING ABOUT
YOU AND HER HUSBAND
AND KILLING.
SANTOS GEVALT!
JUAN, MRS. PALOMBO'S ON
THE PHONE WAITING FOR YOU.
NO SPEAK THE ENGLISH.
HI, THERE.
YEAH, YEAH.
JUST HOLD UP, I'M
LISTENIN', ALL RIGHT.
WELL, I JUST MISSED
THE PART WHERE YOU SAY
YOUR HUSBAND WAS
GONNA TEAR OFF JUAN'S ARM
AND USE IT TO
BREAK BOTH HIS LEGS.
OH, THESE ARE VIOLENT
TIMES, MRS. KOTTER.
GUYS, SINCE WHEN HAS JUAN
STARTED DATING MARRIED WOMEN?
WELL, SINCE LAST NIGHT.
THAT SOUTHERN DUDE
REALLY FIXED JUAN UP.
WITH MRS. PALOMBO, THE WIFE?
ENTER MR. PALOMBO, THE GORILLA.
EXIT JUAN, THE FRIGHTENED.
SOON TO BE JUAN, THE PULVERIZED.
- LET'S SPLIT.
- SEE YOU AT THE FUNERAL.
- SEE YOU LATER.
- BYE NOW.
JUAN, JUAN, YOU BEEN IN
THERE FOR THREE HOURS.
YOU CAN COME OUT NOW.
ANY SIGNS OF GODZILLA?
NO.
IF YOU ASK ME, THAT
DUDE AIN'T SHOWIN'.
LOOK, FREDDIE,
IF I DON'T MAKE IT
THROUGH THIS DAY,
THERE'S SOMETHIN'
HERE I WANT YOU TO HAVE.
"MY LAST WILL AND TENEMENT."
DO YOU THINK HE'S
GONNA BUMP HIMSELF OFF?
HOW, FLUSH HIMSELF
DOWN A TOILET?
"I, JUAN SANCHEZ JOSE
MARTINEZ GUADALUPE SANDOVAL
ORTEGA VALDEZ
JESUS ANGEL CORDERO
DI HUEVOS
EPSTEIN... THE THIRD...
I HEREBY LEAVE TO MY GOOD
FRIEND, FREDDIE WASHINGTON..."
OH, FREDDIE, HEY!
"THE PRICELESS CONTENTS OF
THE TOP SHELF OF MY LOCKER:
TWO HUBCAPS FROM A POLICE CAR."
"TO MY DEAREST AND
BEST BELOVED FRIEND,
ARNOLD HORSHACK..." OH, JUAN!
"I LEAVE ALL OF MY
EXCUSE NOTES," OH!
"AND ALSO MY MOTHER'S RECIPE
FOR MATZAH BALLS RANCHERO."
HEY, JUAN, HEY, MAN,
THAT'S BEAUTIFUL,
BROTHER, THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.
HEY, JUAN, DON'T
GIVE UP THE HOPE, MAN.
YOU GOT US TO PROTECT
YOU, DON'T WORRY.
OH, YEAH, JUAN, DON'T WORRY.
YOU'LL MAKE IT THROUGH THE DAY,
BUT JUST IN CASE YOU DON'T,
HOW COME FREDDIE
GETS MORE THAN ME?
SORRY, ARNOLD.
I RAN OUT OF PAPER.
MRS. KOTTER, THESE
SUPPLIES JUST CAME IN FOR YOU.
THOUGHT I'D BRING 'EM UP
JUST TO LIGHTEN YOUR LOAD.
YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE BOTHERED.
JUST TRYING TO BE HELPFUL.
LIKE YOU WERE WITH JUAN?
I HEARD ABOUT THE BIG
FAVOR YOU DID HIM LAST NIGHT.
FROM YOUR TONE, I
GATHER YOUR RESPONSE
IS LESS THAN ENTHUSIASTIC.
YOU GATHER RIGHT.
YOU KNOW, I THINK YOU KNEW
THAT MRS. PALOMBO WAS MARRIED
BEFORE YOU EVER
FIXED JUAN UP WITH HER.
YOU WERE JUST ANGRY
BECAUSE HE STAPLED
YOUR CLOTHES TO THE WALL.
MRS. KOTTER, IMAGINE
HOW YOU'D FEEL
WITH A WHOLE
SCHOOL FULL OF PEOPLE
STARING AT YOUR PANTIES.
ON THE WALL, I MEAN.
IS THIS HOW YOU DID THINGS
DOWN IN NEW ORLEANS?
WELL, TO CORRECT YOUR LOW
OPINION OF ME, MRS. KOTTER,
I'M GONNA LET YOU
IN ON A LITTLE SECRET.
THERE IS NO MRS. PALOMBO.
DON'T LIE, BEAU.
I SPOKE TO THE WOMAN
ON THE PHONE MYSELF.
OH, YOU SPOKE TO
MARLENE, ALL RIGHT.
I HAD MARLENE MAKE THE CALL,
BUT MARLENE ISN'T MARRIED,
WHICH OF COURSE MEANS
THERE IS NO MR. PALOMBO EITHER.
BUT THERE IS A
TERRIFIED JUAN EPSTEIN
HIDING SOMEWHERE AND
MISSING ALL OF HIS CLASSES.
HE CAN THANK ME FOR THAT LATER.
BEAU, THIS MAY NOT
MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU,
BUT JUAN EPSTEIN HAS
A LEARNING PROBLEM,
WHICH MEANS HE CANNOT
AFFORD TO MISS ANY CLASSES.
YOU REALLY CARE
ABOUT THESE SWINEHOGS.
SWEATHOGS.
AND YES, I DO.
AND SO DOES MY HUSBAND.
HE HAS YEARS OF
AGGRAVATION INVESTED IN THEM.
WELL,
I WAS GONNA LET JUAN SWEAT
IT OUT THE REST OF THE WEEK,
BUT THANKS TO YOU,
HE'LL BE BACK IN CLASS
FIRST THING TOMORROW.
BUT YOU ARE GONNA LET HIM
SQUIRM FOR THE REST OF THE DAY.
YES, MA'AM!
SEE, I CAN'T LET THESE
GUYS PUSH ME AROUND.
BUT DON'T YOU WORRY NOW.
THERE ARE THREE THINGS I
NEVER TAKE AWAY FROM ANY MAN:
HIS DIGNITY, HIS
HONESTY, OR HIS PUBERTY.
DO YOU JUST MAKE
THOSE THINGS UP?
YUP.
DON'T!
THE FLYING FISH HAVE POLYPS!
THE ALBATROSS IS NAKED!
LET'S MOVE, LET'S
GET OUT OF HERE.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE RUSH IS.
I'M ALWAYS IN A RUSH-A
WHEN THERE'S A CONTRACT
OUT ON MY FACE-A.
SCUSI!
JUAN, JUAN.
RELAX, COME HERE.
LOOK, MARLENE ISN'T MARRIED.
THERE IS NO MR. PALOMBO.
I MADE HIM UP.
YOU MEAN TO TELL ME
I SPENT FOUR HOURS
IN A BATHROOM FOR NOTHIN'?
WHERE DO I FIND JUAN EPSTEIN?
HELLO.
WHAT DO YOU WANT-A
WITH THIS-A JUAN EPSTEIN?
TO KILL HIM.
HE TOOK OUT MY GIRL LAST NIGHT.
SEE, MARLENE DON'T KNOW IT,
BUT WE'RE PRACTICALLY ENGAGED.
NOW, WHERE'S EPSTEIN?
YOU WANT TO SEE EPSTEIN?
OKAY, BIG BOY, I'M
GONNA GIVE YOU EPSTEIN.
I'M EPSTEIN.
JUAN!
JUAN, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
I LOVE A GOOD JOKE, BUT
I HATED THE PUNCH LINE.
COME ON.
COME OVER HERE, WHY'D
YOU TELL HIM YOU WAS ME?
I COULDA HANDLED THAT GUY.
THERE ARE THREE
THINGS I NEVER RUN FROM:
A GOOD FIGHT, A GOOD
OFFER, OR A BAD WOMAN.
BESIDES, I HAD IT COMIN'.
WELL, LET ME TELL
YOU SOMETHIN', BEAU.
THERE'S THREE OTHER THINGS
YOU SHOULDN'T RUN FROM.
WHAT?
I'M ONE.
I'M TWO.
I'M THREE.
HEY, YOU GUYS ARE ALL RIGHT.
HOW YOU DOIN',
EVERYBODY? GOOD MORNING.
OH, BACK SO SOON, MR. K.
WELL, I'M SORRY TO
DISAPPOINT YOU, MR. DLB,
BUT YOU CAN ONLY MAKE SO
MUCH SOUP OUT OF ONE CHICKEN.
WELL, THAT'S A LUCKY
THING FOR ALL OF US,
BECAUSE A MAN LIKE YOU WOULD
BE MISSED SOMETHING FIERCE.
NOW, MR. WOODMAN
NEEDS YOU BY HIS SIDE.
THE TWO OF YOU ARE
LIKE... SKILLED NAVIGATORS.
I ONCE HAD AN UNCLE
WHO WAS A NAVIGATOR.
GLAD YOU BROUGHT IT UP.
MY UNCLE MELSER.
YES, SIR, HE WAS A NAVIGATOR.
NOW, ONE TIME, BEAU,
HE WAS IN AFRICA,
AND HE SAW AN
ELEPHANT LYIN' ON ITS SIDE
WITH A THORN IN HIS FOOT.
YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED, BEAU?
HE TOOK THAT THORN OUT
OF THE ELEPHANT'S FOOT.
NOW, THAT ELEPHANT
WAS SO GRATEFUL
THAT HE PICKED MY
UNCLE UP IN HIS TRUNK
AND HE TOOK HIM BACK
TO HIS HOTEL ROOM
AND PUT HIM RIGHT IN HIS
ROOM ON THE SECOND FLOOR.
NOW, ONE YEAR LATER,
MY UNCLE WAS IN
PITTSBURGH IN A CIRCUS...
YES, SIR, HE WAS SITTIN'
THERE WATCHING A CIRCUS,
ELEPHANT COMES
OVER, PICKS HIM UP,
AND THROWS HIM IN THE BALCONY
AND BREAKS BOTH HIS LEGS.
YOU KNOW WHY, BEAU?
IT WAS A DIFFERENT ELEPHANT.
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YOU ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YOU ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASE HIM A LOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ 'CAUSE WE GOT
HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪♪