Welcome Back, Kotter (1975–1979): Season 4, Episode 5 - The Sweatmobile - full transcript
WELL, GUYS, HERE IT
IS, LUNCHTIME AGAIN,
OTHERWISE KNOWN AS
"MOTHER'S REVENGE."
YEAH, I HEAR YA, ARNOLD.
THAT'S ONE FORM OF CHILD ABUSE
THEY AIN'T DOIN' NOTHIN' ABOUT.
LET'S SEE WHAT THOSE LITTLE
MOTHERS PACKED FOR US TODAY, EH?
OH, MY.
WHAT YOU GOT, ARNOLD?
PEANUT BUTTER AND PRUNE,
AND SHE KNOWS I
HATE PEANUT BUTTER.
WELL, IT BEATS WHAT I GOT,
A LEFTOVER TURKEY SANDWICH.
WELL, WHAT'S WRONG
WITH THAT, FREDDIE?
IT WAS LEFTOVER SINCE
LAST THANKSGIVING.
WHAT DO YOU GOT, LITTLE JUAN?
I GOT MY TYPICAL WEDNESDAY
AFTERNOON SPECIAL,
CHOPPED LIVER BURRITO.
STARTIN' TO EAT WITHOUT ME?
HEY, I GOT A GOOD LUNCH
TODAY, LISTEN TO THIS.
SWISS CHEESE AND
CORNFLAKES ON RYE.
SUDDENLY, MY PEANUT BUTTER
AND PRUNE SOUNDS VERY TASTY.
NO, IT'S NEAT, YOU
KNOW WHAT YOU DO?
YOU TAKE THE SWISS CHEESE
AND YOU TAKE CORN FLAKES
AND YOU STUFF
IT IN LITTLE HOLES.
THIS WAY, WHEN YOU
EAT IT, YOU DON'T GET
ANY CORN FLAKES ON YOUR LAP.
HEY, GUYS, WHAT DO YOU
SAY WE HAVE A GRAB BAG, HUH?
GO AHEAD, PUT IT ON IN.
SHAKE IT UP.
OKAY, NOW EVERYBODY
CLOSE YOUR EYES, ALL RIGHT?
OKAY, GET ON YOUR
MARK, GET SET, GRAB!
WHAT YOU GOT, ARNOLD?
PEANUT BUTTER.
TURKEY.
CHOPPED LIVER BURRITO.
I GOT CORN FLAKES.
HEY, THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA.
WELL, WELL, WELL,
LOOK AT THIS, MURRAY.
THE LITTLE BABIES IS
EATIN' THEIR LUNCHES
THAT THEIR MOMMIES
MADE FOR THEM.
HE SAY YOU EATIN' BABY FOOD.
HEY, GUYS, DIDN'T YOU KNOW
THAT IT WAS BAD MANNERS
TO LOOK SO UGLY WHERE
PEOPLE WAS EATIN'?
YEAH, WELL, UH,
ANYWAY YOU LOOK AT IT,
UH, YOU GUYS ARE SITTIN'
THERE BROWN-BAGGIN' IT
AND, UH, I'M EATIN' A
LUNCH THAT'S BEEN MADE
BY A PROFESSIONAL.
OH.
A REAL, LIVE BURGER.
HEY, I KNOW THEY DIDN'T MAKE
THAT IN THE SCHOOL CAFETERIA.
- OF COURSE NOT.
- HE SAY, "OF COURSE NOT."
I GOT THIS AT THE BURGERZAAR
WHERE THE BURGERS ARE.
SEE, UH, THIS IS A, UH,
A RASPUTIN SPECIAL,
WITH, UH, RUSSIAN DRESSIN'.
HE'S TALKIN' ABOUT A
COMMI BURGER TO GO.
HEY, GUYS, MAYBE WE COULD GO
THERE TOMORROW FOR LUNCH, HUH?
FORGET IT, UNLESS YOU GOT
A CAR, YOU CAN'T EAT THERE.
IT'S A, UH, STRICTLY
A DRIVE-IN JOINT.
HE SAY NO WHEELS, NO MEALS.
OH, WOW, THEN WE GOTTA
FORGET ABOUT IT, MAN.
NO, NO, NO, WAIT A MINUTE, I
HATE TO SEE YOU GUYS CONFINED
TO EATIN' THIS MEAGER
FARE FOR YET ANOTHER DAY.
DO YOU MEAN TO SAY THAT
YOU WOULD DRIVE DOWN
TO THE BURGERZAAR,
WHERE THE BURGERS ARE,
TO GET A BURGER FOR US?
I'M GONNA DO BETTER
THAN THAT, ARNOLD.
I'M GONNA SELL YOU MY CAR.
WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE,
NO NEED FOR HESITATION HERE.
GENTLEMEN, I AM
PREPARED TO OFFER YOU
A VERY, VERY SWEET DEAL.
YEAH, THAT SOUNDS LIKE WHAT
HAPPENED WHEN MY UNCLE LOUIE
TRIED TO SELL US A CAR.
YEAH, WHICH TURNED OUT
TO BE THE WORST EXPERIENCE
OF ALL OUR LIVES.
HEY, UH, MURRAY,
UH, PULL UP A BURGER,
I THINK WE'LL TAKE A LISTEN
TO THIS LITTLE STORY HERE.
ALL RIGHT, IT ALL STARTED WHEN
WE ALL SAVED UP ENOUGH MONEY
WHERE WE THOUGHT WE
COULD BUY A CAR, RIGHT?
SO, MY UNCLE LOUIE SAID HE
COULD GET US A GOOD DEAL ON IT.
SO, WE ALL CALL UNCLE LOUIE
AND HE COMES BACK TO US...
THAT MAKES IT $150.
HEY, VINNIE, DON'T FORGET
TO ADD IN MY LIFE SAVINGS.
OH, YEAH, $150, PLUS 87 CENTS.
GUYS, WE JUST BOUGHT
OURSELVES A CAR.
OH, OUR OWN CAR, I JUST CAN'T
WAIT UNTIL THE LOCAL PEASANTRY
GETS A LOAD OF ME
BEHIND THE WHEEL.
WAIT, ARNOLD, SLOW
DOWN, ARNOLD, SLOW DOWN.
WHIPLASH!
CALL MY LAWYER.
- I'M DOIN' ALL THE DRIVIN'.
- HERE.
'CAUSE IT'S MY UNCLE
LOUIE, HE GAVE US
A GOOD DEAL ON A CAR,
AND I PUT IN MOST OF
THE MONEY, 90 BUCKS,
AND I GOT MOST OF THE EXPERIENCE
BEHIND THE WHEEL ANYWAY,
SO I GET TO DO IT ALL.
YEAH, BUT VINNIE YOU SPEND
MOST OF YOUR TIME IN THE BACKSEAT.
WELL, THAT'S BEHIND
THE WHEEL, AIN'T IT?
YEAH, WELL, I PUT IN THE
NEXT HIGHEST AMOUNT,
SO, UH, I GET TO RIDE SHOTGUN.
YEAH, YEAH, WELL, MY 25 BUCKS
BOUGHT ME A WINDOW SEAT
IN THE BACK.
HEY, WHAT DO I GET
FOR MY 87 CENTS?
YOU GET TO RIDE UP
FRONT, UNDER THE HOOD.
YEAH, YOU CAN USE
YOUR NOSE FOR A DIPSTICK.
HEY, UH, TELL ME NOW, UH,
WHEN DO WE GET THE CAR?
ALL RIGHT, WELL, I
TOLD MY UNCLE LOUIE
THAT I'D GIVE HIM THE
MONEY THIS AFTERNOON
AND HE SAID HE'D DROP
THE CAR BY THE HOSPITAL
AFTER SCHOOL, SO...
LOOK OUT, NURSES, HERE WE COME!
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪♪
GIRLS, YOU BETTER
GO UP TO CLASS, OKAY?
SOMETHING HAS TO BE DONE
ABOUT ALL THESE STUDENTS
IN THESE HALLWAYS,
THEY'RE EVERYWHERE.
WHY CAN'T WE BE LIKE OTHER
SCHOOLS AND HAVE MORE DROPOUTS?
GOOD MORNING, MR. WOODMAN.
WHERE IS MS. SHERBECK?
SHE CALLED ME TO SUB
FOR HER AGAIN TODAY.
AND WHAT IS IT THIS TIME?
I DON'T KNOW, SHE SAID SHE
HAS TOO MANY WHITE CELLS
IN HER BLOOD.
I'M NOT QUITE SURE
WHAT IT MEANS.
THERE'S A WHITE SALE
AT BLOOMINGDALE'S,
AND THERE'S A
WHITE SALE AT MACY'S,
AND THERE'S A WHITE
SALE AT GIMBELS,
AND I COULD GO ON!
NO, DON'T, I GET THE PICTURE.
SEND GABE INTO MY
OFFICE, WILL YOU PLEASE?
YOU KNOW, THESE HALLS WOULD
NOT BE NEARLY AS CROWDED
IF HE GOT ON THE BALL
AND STARTED EXPELLING
SOME OF THESE STUDENTS.
GABE ISN'T HERE, EITHER.
OH, OH, YOU THINK MAYBE,
UH, GABE AND MS. SHERBECK
GOT A LITTLE SOMETHING, UH...
NO, MR. WOODMAN, HE'S AT THAT
SCHOOL BOARD SEMINAR UPSTATE.
ANOTHER SEMINAR, I
GIVE HIM A PROMOTION
AND RIGHT AWAY HE'S
A SOCIAL BUTTERFLY.
MR. WOODMAN, WHEN
YOU WERE VICE PRINCIPAL
YOU WENT TO THOSE SCHOOL
BOARD SEMINARS ALL THE TIME.
YEAH, AND WHAT
DID I GET OUT OF IT?
YEAR AFTER YEAR, SEEING
THE SAME, DREARY FACES,
HEARING THE SAME,
BORING LECTURES,
EATING THE SAME, STALE
FINGER SANDWICHES.
GOD, HOW I MISS THEM.
HEY, WHAT'S HAPPENIN', WOODY?
HOW YOU DOIN', MR. WOODMAN?
GANGSTERS.
MRS. KOTTER, SO,
WHERE'S THE MISTER?
HE'S AT A SEMINAR, ARNOLD,
HE'LL BE BACK LATE TONIGHT.
OH YEAH, WELL WE GOT
SOME GOOD NEWS FOR HIM.
PERHAPS WE COULD, UH, DROP
BY YOUR RESIDENCE TONIGHT.
NOT "DROP BY," VINNIE.
YEAH, YEAH, IT BE
MORE LIKE, CRUISE BY.
NEVER EXCEEDING THE
MAXIMUM SPEED LIMIT, OF COURSE.
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS TALKING ABOUT?
WE GOT OURSELVES A CAR.
WHAT?
ARE YOU CRAZY,
THAT'S GRAND THEFT.
NOW, I DON'T KNOW
WHERE YOU GOT THIS CAR,
BUT TAKE IT BACK AND
TURN YOURSELVES IN
AND MAYBE YOU'LL GET
SUSPENDED SENTENCES.
MR. WOODMAN, I
AM ASHAMED OF YOU.
AS LONG AS YOU'VE
KNOWN THESE BOYS
AND YOU ARE READY TO
THINK OF THE WORST OF THEM.
COME HERE, FELLAS, COME ON.
NOW, I DON'T CARE
WHERE YOU GOT THAT CAR,
I WANT YOU TO TAKE IT
BACK, TURN YOURSELVES IN
AND MAYBE YOU'LL GET
SUSPENDED SENTENCES.
UH, COME ON, MRS. KOTTER,
THIS AIN'T NO HOT CAR.
WELL, IT IS WHEN WE'RE IN IT.
YEAH.
LOOK, MRS. KOTTER, VINNIE'S
UNCLE LOUIE, HE SOLD IT
TO US FOR 150
BUCKS AND 87 CENTS,
WHICH SHOULD PUT US ON THE ROAD
TO A CAR FULL OF KISSY FACE.
GIRLS.
THAT'S RIGHT, GIRLS,
HUBBA, HUBBA, HUBBA.
BEFORE YOU GET YOUR
ENGINES ALL REVVED UP,
LET ME REMIND YOU, NO DECENT
GIRL WOULD BE COULD DEAD
WITH A SWEATHOG.
WHAT DOES THAT MAKE
ME, I MARRIED ONE?
YOU'RE DIFFERENT,
YOU'RE FROM NEBRASKA.
YOU WERE BROUGHT UP WITH HOGS.
HI, MRS. KOTTER,
WE CAME TO SEE IF
THE TICKETS FOR THE
VICTORY DANCE ARE IN YET.
OH, JUST A SECOND, I'LL CHECK.
HOLD ON TO YOUR HATS,
BOYS, TONIGHT WE MAKE
THE BIG TOUCHDOWN IN THE SKY.
OH YEAH, WE ABOUT TO
JOIN THE MAJOR LEAGUES.
OH, COME ON, THOSE
GIRLS ARE CHEERLEADERS,
THEY'D NEVER GO OUT WITH US.
OH YEAH, WELL YOU WATCH
OLD JUAN CIRCUMNAVIGATE
THIS SITUATION HERE.
MORNING, LADIES.
WOULD YOU AND YOUR
FRIENDS LIKE TO GO OUT WITH ME
AND MY CO-HORSES?
BUZZ OFF, BUSTER.
YOU'RE UP.
CHECK THIS OUT.
NOW, BABY, UH, I THINK OF
WHAT BEING SEEN ON THE ARM
OF THE STAR BASKETBALL
PLAYER WILL DO FOR YOUR IMAGE.
YEAH, IT'LL MAKE ME LOOK SHORT.
YO MAMA'S SHORT.
AIN'T THAT THE TRUTH,
AIN'T THAT THE TRUTH.
YEAH, YOU CAN GO.
YOU GUYS DON'T KNOW
HOW DO DO ANYTHING.
YOU WANNA SEE A
PRO GET THE JOB DONE?
- YEAH.
- ALRIGHT.
TAKE NOTES IF YOU LIKE.
WE GOT A CAR.
PICK US UP AT 7.
SEE.
HE'S A GENIUS.
I HATE HOSPITALS, WE DO WE GOTTA
PICK OUR CAR UP AT A HOSPITAL?
IT'S BECAUSE VINNIE
WORKS HERE AND HIS UNCLE'S
GONNA DROP THE CAR OFF HERE.
GEE, I WONDER IF THIS
CAR COMES FULLY EQUIPPED.
WELL, I KNOW THEM
CHEERLEADERS SHOWIN' UP DID.
HEY ARNOLD, I GOT US A
DECORATION FOR THE CAR.
OH NO, LITTLE JUAN, A
NICE SAINT CHRISTOPHER
BELONGS IN THE FRONT.
LET HIM BRING HIS OWN DICE.
JUAN, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND,
THOSE DICE ARE ILLEGAL.
WHY, THEY AIN'T LOADED.
ACCORDING TO THE NEW YORK
DRIVERS' MANUAL, AND I QUOTE,
"NOTHING MAY BE PLACE
IN OR ON A VEHICLE,
SO THAT IT OBSTRUCTS
THE DRIVER'S
CLEAR VIEW THROUGH
THE WINDSHIELD."
I'M SORRY.
ARNOLD, I GOTTA USE THE
DICE, I AIN'T GOT NO BABY SHOES.
YEAH, HIS FAMILY'S
STILL USIN' 'EM.
THEY KEPT HIS SHOES AND
THEY BRONZED HIS FEET.
OKAY, FINE.
WELL, I TALKED TO MY
UNCLE LOUIE'S HOUSE
AND THEY SAID THAT UNCLE LOUIE
LEFT, OH, ABOUT AN HOUR AGO,
SO HE SHOULD BE HERE ANY MINUTE.
HEY, VINNIE, SINCE YOU'RE GONNA
BE DOING ALL OF THE DRIVING,
I WOULD LIKE TO
TEST YOU ON THE LAWS
THAT GOVERN OUR LOCAL HIGHWAYS
AND OUR BYWAYS, OKAY?
LET'S START WITH PAGE 1,
HAND SIGNALS, ALL RIGHT.
WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?
OH, I KNOW WHAT THAT
MEANS, THAT MEANS,
THAT MEANS YOUR UNDERARM
DEODORANT AIN'T DRY YET.
- THE COPS!
- THE COPS!
WHAT HAVE YOU GOT HERE?
AUTOMOBILE ACCIDENT,
CORNER OF BAY PARKWAY
AND 86TH STREET.
NO DOUBT FROM NOT USING
THE PROPER HAND SIGNALS.
GET THIS PATIENT INTO
EXAM ROOM THREE, STAT.
BARBARINO, MOVE THAT
PATIENT NOW, COME ON.
SEE THAT, WHEN THEY
NEED A REAL DOCTOR,
THEY GET BARBARINO.
LOOK AT THIS POOR GUY, HE
PROBABLY DIDN'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT HIT HIM.
HEY, THIS AIN'T NO PATIENT,
THIS IS MY UNCLE LOUIE.
OH, HOW TERRIBLE,
VINNIE'S UNCLE LOUIE.
IT'S A SAD DAY IN BROOKLYN.
HEY, MAN, THAT'S BAD NEWS,
BOY, TO BE IN A CAR ACCIDENT.
IN OUR CAR!
HEY, MURRAY, GIVE ME
ANOTHER HAMBURGER.
THIS IS DEFINITELY A
TWO-HAMBURGER STORY
IF I EVER HEARD ONE.
HE SAY THIS A MEATY STORY.
HEY, UH, LET ME
ASK YOU SOMETHIN'.
IF YOUR UNCLE WRECKED
THE CAR BEFORE YOU GOT IT,
WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST
GET YOUR MONEY BACK?
I DIDN'T KNOW WHETHER THE CAR
WAS WRECKED BEFORE I BOUGHT IT.
LOOK, THE ONLY THING I KNOW
WAS THAT IT WAS THE WORST
THING THAT EVER
HAPPENED TO US, RIGHT?
YEAH.
THIS IS THE WORST THING
THAT'S EVER HAPPENED TO ME.
MY FAVORITE UNCLE LOUIE,
MY OWN FLESH AND BLOOD,
AND HE'S LYIN' IN THERE
WITH MULTIPLE CONFUSIONS.
WELL, THAT SOUNDS
REAL BAD, VINNIE.
UH, DID HE SAY WHERE HE WAS HIT?
IN THE ARM.
BUT WAS HIS ARM
INSIDE OR OUTSIDE
OF THE CAR WHEN IT WAS HIT?
I DON'T KNOW, I GUESS
IT WAS THE DOOR.
THEY SAID IT WAS
BROKEN IN TWO PLACES.
THE DOOR?
NO, HIS ARM.
OH, FOR A SECOND THERE I
THOUGHT I LOST MY WINDOW SEAT.
HEY, VINNIE, I DON'T WANNA SOUND
INDELICATE AT A TIME LIKE THIS,
BUT DID YOUR UNCLE
HAPPEN TO MENTION
THE STATE AND
CONDITION OF THE CAR.
OF COURSE NOT, HE
WAS JUST IN AN ACCIDENT,
WHY WOULD HE DO THAT?
VINNIE, I WANT YOU TO TAKE
A WILD GUESS NOW, BUDDY.
WHAT DO YOU THINK
YOUR UNCLE WAS DRIVIN' IN
WHEN HE HAD THE ACCIDENT?
HE WAS DELIVERIN' THE
CAR THAT WE JUST BOUGHT.
HE WRECKED OUR CAR.
HE WRECKED OUR
CAR... VINNIE, WAIT, WHOA.
HEY LOOK, WE DON'T KNOW
IF THE CAR IS WRECKED.
ALL WE KNOW IS THAT
YOUR UNCLE IS WRECKED.
THAT'S TRUE, VINNIE, THERE
ARE A LOT OF ACCIDENTS
IN WHICH A PERSON IS
SERIOUSLY INJURED AND THE CAR
HAS BUT A SCRATCH ON IT.
OF COURSE, THOSE ACCIDENTS
USUALLY INVOLVE A PEDESTRIAN.
LOUIE, LOUIE, WHERE'S MY LOUIE?
LOUIE, LOUIE... OH,
VINCENZIO, VINCENZIO,
WHERE, WHERE, WHERE IS MY LOUIE?
WHAT HAVE THEY DONE
WITH MY HUSBAND?
YOU MUST BE MRS. BARBARINO.
WHAT DO YOU THINK,
I'M MAMA CELESTE?
OF COURSE I'M MRS. BARBARINO,
WHERE IS MY HUSBAND?
THE DOCTORS HAVE JUST
FINISHED SETTING HIS ARM.
DIO MIO, SETTING THE ARM?
WAIT HERE JUST A MINUTE AND
I'LL CHECK WITH THE DOCTORS
AND SEE IF THE
FAMILY'S ALLOWED IN YET.
I'M NOT FAMILY, I'M HIS WIFE!
AUNT JOSEPHINE,
PLEASE DON'T WORRY,
I'M SURE UNCLE LOUIE'S
GONNA BE JUST FINE.
OH, VINCENZIO, OH.
OH, YOU, YOU ARE
SO NICE TO BE HERE.
IN MY HOUR OF NEED,
YOU ARE A SAINT.
YOU ARE A SAINT, I TELL
YOU, YOU ARE A SAINT.
DON'T, THE GUYS ARE WATCHIN'.
OH, HOW WONDERFUL!
THESE ARE YOUR LITTLE FRIENDS
AND THEY ARE SO CONCERNED
ABOUT YOUR UNCLE LOUIE.
- I WANNA MEET THEM.
- ALRIGHT.
- THIS IS HORSHACK.
- HI.
- AND THAT IS WASHINGTON.
- HI, MAMA.
- AND HE'S EPSTEIN.
- HELLO.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, AND
HIS STUPID UNCLE LOUIE
WENT AND WRECKED OUR CAR.
JUST HOLD ON HERE.
NICE TO MEET YA.
NOW LOOK, DON'T WORRY,
GIRLS, YOU JUST SHOW UP,
HERE AT THE HOSPITAL, AND
WE'LL TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING.
OH, SO THESE ARE YOUR
WONDERFUL FRIENDS, HUH?
PUNKS.
HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD
YA NOT TO HANG AROUND PUNKS?
YOU'RE GONNA BREAK YOUR
MOTHER'S HEART, YOU KNOW THAT?
MRS. BARBARINO, THE DOCTOR
SAYS YOU CAN VISIT YOUR HUSBAND,
JUST FOR A MINUTE,
HE'S IN ROOM 110.
WAIT, AUNT JOSEPHINE,
BEFORE YOU GO IN THERE
YOU GOTTA FIND OUT
SOME THINGS FOR US, OKAY?
ANYTHING, ANYTHING.
YOU BOYS ARE SO, SO
GOOD TO BE SO CONSIDERATE
ABOUT HIS UNCLE LOUIE,
WHAT DO YOU WANNA KNOW?
- HOW BAD WAS THE CAR HIT?
- WILL IT STILL RUN?
IF NOT, CAN THE
BACKSEAT BE SALVAGED?
WHAT DID I TELL YOU, PUNKS.
OH, DELLA MIA,
WHERE IS MY LOUIE?
COME ON SEVEN.
COME ON SEVEN.
A FIVE AND THREE WILL DO IT.
TOO BAD, SNAKE EYES, YOU
LOSE, LADY LUCK ON MY SIDE.
HEY, WHAT ARE YOU GUYS
DOIN', YOU KNOW YOU SHOULDN'T
BE SHOOTIN' CRAPS HERE.
YEAH, WE SHOULD BE
SHOOTIN' YOUR UNCLE LOUIE.
VINCENZE, VINCENZE, HOW
CAN MY LOUIE END UP LIKE THIS?
OH NO, HE DIED OF A BROKEN ARM?
NO, HE'S GONNA BE FINE.
IT'S WHAT HE'S DONE
THAT IS SO HORRIBLE.
I TELL YOU IT IS
THE WILL OF GOD,
THE MAN IS BEING PUNISHED.
UNCLE LOUIE DID
SOMETHING TO GOD?
WORSE THAN THAT, YOUR
UNCLE LOUIE'S IN SOME
SHADY BUSINESS DEAL, YOU SEE...
HEY, NONE OF YOU
PUNKS HAVE HOMES?
HEY, WHAT DO I LOOK
LIKE, LITTLE ORPHAN ANNIE?
WELL, NOW THAT YOU
MENTION IT, LITTLE JUAN.
BACK OFF, THIS
HERE IS FAMILY STUFF.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
WE'RE GONNA BACK UP,
WE'RE GONNA BACK OFF,
BUT IF MY FAMILY EVER STARTS
SOME SHADY BUSINESS
DEAL, SEE IF I LET YOU LISTEN.
WHAT'D UNCLE LOUIE
DO THAT WAS SO BAD?
THIS NEVER WOULD'VE
HAPPENED IF HE HADN'T
OF BOUGHT THAT WRECK.
OH NO, THE CAR IS WRECKED, HUH?
THE CAR WAS A COMPLETE
WRECK WHEN HE BOUGHT IT
IN THE JUNKYARD FOR $25.
$25?
YEAH, AND HE'S GONNA
TRY TO SELL IT FOR $150
TO SOME SUCKER.
FOUR SUCKERS.
BUT DON'T WORRY, I
DID THE RIGHT THING.
YEAH, BROKE HIS OTHER ARM.
NO, NO.
I GOT HIS WALLET RIGHT
HERE WITH THE $150
I GOT THIS MORNING.
AND I'M GONNA TAKE
IT TO THE CHURCH
AND PUT IT IN THE POOR BOX.
BUT YOU CAN' DO
THAT, AUNT JOSEPHINE.
BUT VINCENZE, THESE THINGS
ARE BEST LEFT IN GOD'S HANDS.
YEAH, BUT MAYBE GOD IS BUSY.
GOD IS NEVER TOO
BUSY TO TAKE $150.
WELL, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
SOMETHING, AUNT JOSEPHINE.
THAT MONEY IS MINE, I'M
THE SUCKER HE SOLD IT TO.
AH, VINNIE, VINNIE, YOU
HAVE SUCH A SWEET MOUTH.
HOW COULD YOU SAY SUCH
LIES ABOUT YOUR UNCLE?
THEY AIN'T LIES, AUNT
JOSEPHINE, WOULD I LIE ABOUT
MY FAVORITE UNCLE LOUIE?
THE GUY WHO, WHEN I WAS A LITTLE
KID, HE TOOK ME TO CONEY ISLAND.
HE MADE ME PLAY STICKBALL
AND BOUGHT MY FIRST MITT.
WHO I LIE ABOUT
MY FAVORITE UNCLE?
I'M TELLIN' YA, THAT ROTTEN
LOUSE STOLE MY $150.
JUST GIVE ME THE
MONEY, NO BIG DEAL.
VINNIE, IF THIS IS YOUR
MONEY, I WANT YOU TO HAVE IT.
NOT UNTIL YOUR UNCLE
LOOKS ME IN THE EYE
AND TELLS ME WITH HIS OWN LIPS.
OKAY, COME ON,
LET'S GO FIND OUT.
MRS. BARBARINO, YOU
MIGHT AS WELL GO HOME
AND GET SOME SLEEP, WE'VE JUST
GIVEN YOUR HUSBAND A SEDATIVE.
AUNT JOSEPHINE, LOOK, I'M
SURE UNCLE LOUIE CAN'T SLEEP
WITH ALL THAT STUFF ON HIS MIND.
WHY DON'T I GO SEE IF HE'S AWAKE
AND YOU STAY HERE AND WAIT
FOR US TO COME BACK, OKAY?
COME ON.
OKAY, YOU GUYS KNOW
WHAT TO DO, RIGHT?
VINNIE, I'M TELLIN' YOU, MAN,
THIS AIN'T GONNA NEVER WORK.
SHE AIN'T GONNA BELIEVE
THIS IS UNCLE LOUIE.
DO YOU WANT YOUR
MONEY BACK, THEN DO IT.
HEY, FOR 87 CENTS
I'LL TRY ANYTHING.
EPSTEIN, EPSTEIN, DO
YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO?
- IT'S ALL RIGHT.
- GOOD, LET'S GO.
AUNT JOSEPHINE?
OH, LOUIE, LOUIE, OH, MY LOUIE,
MY LOUIE, OH, MY LOUIE.
AUNT JOSEPHINE, WE
GOTTA ACT QUICK NOW
'CAUSE HE'S UNDER THE
INFLUENCE OF A SLEEPING PILL
AND I GOTTA GET HIM TO
THE IN... INTENSIVE RESTROOM.
UNCLE LOUIE, TELL
HER THAT IT'S MY MONEY.
OH.
SEE, HE SAID IT WAS MY MONEY.
VINNIE BARBARINO, WHAT ARE
YOU DOING WITH THIS PATIENT?
HEY NURSE, LOOK, YOU
GOTTA HELP MY FRIEND!
I THINK HE'S GOT APPENDICITIS!
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT,
NOT UNTIL MY LOUIE
LOOKS ME IN THE EYE AND TELLS ME
THAT THIS IS YOUR MONEY.
TELL HER, UNCLE LOUIE.
I THOUGHT HE HAD A BROKEN ARM?
IT SPREAD.
GO ON, TELL HER
WHOSE MONEY IT IS.
THANK YOU, UNCLE LOUIE.
HEY, WE CAN STOP THIS NOW,
WE GOT OUR MONEY BACK.
OH, THANK YOU, I
FEEL SO MUCH BETTER.
YOU HAVE WONDERFUL HANDS.
HEY, COME ON, YOU GUYS, WE'RE
GONNA BE LATE FOR THE GAME.
OH, WE AIN'T GONNA BE LATE,
BABY, 'CAUSE WE'RE READY
TO MOVE ANY TIME.
OH, AUNT JOSEPHINE,
WHEN YOU SEE UNCLE LOUIE AGAIN,
HE'S GONNA BE A DIFFERENT MAN.
SO YOU SEE, IT ALL TURNED
OUT ALL RIGHT ANYWAY
'CAUSE WE STILL GOT
TO KEEP THE DATE
WITH THE CHEERLEADERS.
AND MAY I SAY WE ALSO
GOT OUR MONEY BACK, TOO.
AND UNCLE LOUIE
TURNED OUT JUST FINE,
FOR UNCLE LOUIE.
WELL, GENTLEMEN, UH, THIS
LUNCH HAS PROVEN TO BE A MOST,
MOST EDUCATIONAL EXPERIENCE.
SURE, NEVER BUY NOTHIN'
FROM A BARBARINO.
NO, NEVER EAT NOTHIN'
FROM A BURGERZAAR.
HE SAY...
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YOU ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YOU ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ 'CAUSE WE GOT
HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪♪
IS, LUNCHTIME AGAIN,
OTHERWISE KNOWN AS
"MOTHER'S REVENGE."
YEAH, I HEAR YA, ARNOLD.
THAT'S ONE FORM OF CHILD ABUSE
THEY AIN'T DOIN' NOTHIN' ABOUT.
LET'S SEE WHAT THOSE LITTLE
MOTHERS PACKED FOR US TODAY, EH?
OH, MY.
WHAT YOU GOT, ARNOLD?
PEANUT BUTTER AND PRUNE,
AND SHE KNOWS I
HATE PEANUT BUTTER.
WELL, IT BEATS WHAT I GOT,
A LEFTOVER TURKEY SANDWICH.
WELL, WHAT'S WRONG
WITH THAT, FREDDIE?
IT WAS LEFTOVER SINCE
LAST THANKSGIVING.
WHAT DO YOU GOT, LITTLE JUAN?
I GOT MY TYPICAL WEDNESDAY
AFTERNOON SPECIAL,
CHOPPED LIVER BURRITO.
STARTIN' TO EAT WITHOUT ME?
HEY, I GOT A GOOD LUNCH
TODAY, LISTEN TO THIS.
SWISS CHEESE AND
CORNFLAKES ON RYE.
SUDDENLY, MY PEANUT BUTTER
AND PRUNE SOUNDS VERY TASTY.
NO, IT'S NEAT, YOU
KNOW WHAT YOU DO?
YOU TAKE THE SWISS CHEESE
AND YOU TAKE CORN FLAKES
AND YOU STUFF
IT IN LITTLE HOLES.
THIS WAY, WHEN YOU
EAT IT, YOU DON'T GET
ANY CORN FLAKES ON YOUR LAP.
HEY, GUYS, WHAT DO YOU
SAY WE HAVE A GRAB BAG, HUH?
GO AHEAD, PUT IT ON IN.
SHAKE IT UP.
OKAY, NOW EVERYBODY
CLOSE YOUR EYES, ALL RIGHT?
OKAY, GET ON YOUR
MARK, GET SET, GRAB!
WHAT YOU GOT, ARNOLD?
PEANUT BUTTER.
TURKEY.
CHOPPED LIVER BURRITO.
I GOT CORN FLAKES.
HEY, THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA.
WELL, WELL, WELL,
LOOK AT THIS, MURRAY.
THE LITTLE BABIES IS
EATIN' THEIR LUNCHES
THAT THEIR MOMMIES
MADE FOR THEM.
HE SAY YOU EATIN' BABY FOOD.
HEY, GUYS, DIDN'T YOU KNOW
THAT IT WAS BAD MANNERS
TO LOOK SO UGLY WHERE
PEOPLE WAS EATIN'?
YEAH, WELL, UH,
ANYWAY YOU LOOK AT IT,
UH, YOU GUYS ARE SITTIN'
THERE BROWN-BAGGIN' IT
AND, UH, I'M EATIN' A
LUNCH THAT'S BEEN MADE
BY A PROFESSIONAL.
OH.
A REAL, LIVE BURGER.
HEY, I KNOW THEY DIDN'T MAKE
THAT IN THE SCHOOL CAFETERIA.
- OF COURSE NOT.
- HE SAY, "OF COURSE NOT."
I GOT THIS AT THE BURGERZAAR
WHERE THE BURGERS ARE.
SEE, UH, THIS IS A, UH,
A RASPUTIN SPECIAL,
WITH, UH, RUSSIAN DRESSIN'.
HE'S TALKIN' ABOUT A
COMMI BURGER TO GO.
HEY, GUYS, MAYBE WE COULD GO
THERE TOMORROW FOR LUNCH, HUH?
FORGET IT, UNLESS YOU GOT
A CAR, YOU CAN'T EAT THERE.
IT'S A, UH, STRICTLY
A DRIVE-IN JOINT.
HE SAY NO WHEELS, NO MEALS.
OH, WOW, THEN WE GOTTA
FORGET ABOUT IT, MAN.
NO, NO, NO, WAIT A MINUTE, I
HATE TO SEE YOU GUYS CONFINED
TO EATIN' THIS MEAGER
FARE FOR YET ANOTHER DAY.
DO YOU MEAN TO SAY THAT
YOU WOULD DRIVE DOWN
TO THE BURGERZAAR,
WHERE THE BURGERS ARE,
TO GET A BURGER FOR US?
I'M GONNA DO BETTER
THAN THAT, ARNOLD.
I'M GONNA SELL YOU MY CAR.
WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE,
NO NEED FOR HESITATION HERE.
GENTLEMEN, I AM
PREPARED TO OFFER YOU
A VERY, VERY SWEET DEAL.
YEAH, THAT SOUNDS LIKE WHAT
HAPPENED WHEN MY UNCLE LOUIE
TRIED TO SELL US A CAR.
YEAH, WHICH TURNED OUT
TO BE THE WORST EXPERIENCE
OF ALL OUR LIVES.
HEY, UH, MURRAY,
UH, PULL UP A BURGER,
I THINK WE'LL TAKE A LISTEN
TO THIS LITTLE STORY HERE.
ALL RIGHT, IT ALL STARTED WHEN
WE ALL SAVED UP ENOUGH MONEY
WHERE WE THOUGHT WE
COULD BUY A CAR, RIGHT?
SO, MY UNCLE LOUIE SAID HE
COULD GET US A GOOD DEAL ON IT.
SO, WE ALL CALL UNCLE LOUIE
AND HE COMES BACK TO US...
THAT MAKES IT $150.
HEY, VINNIE, DON'T FORGET
TO ADD IN MY LIFE SAVINGS.
OH, YEAH, $150, PLUS 87 CENTS.
GUYS, WE JUST BOUGHT
OURSELVES A CAR.
OH, OUR OWN CAR, I JUST CAN'T
WAIT UNTIL THE LOCAL PEASANTRY
GETS A LOAD OF ME
BEHIND THE WHEEL.
WAIT, ARNOLD, SLOW
DOWN, ARNOLD, SLOW DOWN.
WHIPLASH!
CALL MY LAWYER.
- I'M DOIN' ALL THE DRIVIN'.
- HERE.
'CAUSE IT'S MY UNCLE
LOUIE, HE GAVE US
A GOOD DEAL ON A CAR,
AND I PUT IN MOST OF
THE MONEY, 90 BUCKS,
AND I GOT MOST OF THE EXPERIENCE
BEHIND THE WHEEL ANYWAY,
SO I GET TO DO IT ALL.
YEAH, BUT VINNIE YOU SPEND
MOST OF YOUR TIME IN THE BACKSEAT.
WELL, THAT'S BEHIND
THE WHEEL, AIN'T IT?
YEAH, WELL, I PUT IN THE
NEXT HIGHEST AMOUNT,
SO, UH, I GET TO RIDE SHOTGUN.
YEAH, YEAH, WELL, MY 25 BUCKS
BOUGHT ME A WINDOW SEAT
IN THE BACK.
HEY, WHAT DO I GET
FOR MY 87 CENTS?
YOU GET TO RIDE UP
FRONT, UNDER THE HOOD.
YEAH, YOU CAN USE
YOUR NOSE FOR A DIPSTICK.
HEY, UH, TELL ME NOW, UH,
WHEN DO WE GET THE CAR?
ALL RIGHT, WELL, I
TOLD MY UNCLE LOUIE
THAT I'D GIVE HIM THE
MONEY THIS AFTERNOON
AND HE SAID HE'D DROP
THE CAR BY THE HOSPITAL
AFTER SCHOOL, SO...
LOOK OUT, NURSES, HERE WE COME!
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪♪
GIRLS, YOU BETTER
GO UP TO CLASS, OKAY?
SOMETHING HAS TO BE DONE
ABOUT ALL THESE STUDENTS
IN THESE HALLWAYS,
THEY'RE EVERYWHERE.
WHY CAN'T WE BE LIKE OTHER
SCHOOLS AND HAVE MORE DROPOUTS?
GOOD MORNING, MR. WOODMAN.
WHERE IS MS. SHERBECK?
SHE CALLED ME TO SUB
FOR HER AGAIN TODAY.
AND WHAT IS IT THIS TIME?
I DON'T KNOW, SHE SAID SHE
HAS TOO MANY WHITE CELLS
IN HER BLOOD.
I'M NOT QUITE SURE
WHAT IT MEANS.
THERE'S A WHITE SALE
AT BLOOMINGDALE'S,
AND THERE'S A
WHITE SALE AT MACY'S,
AND THERE'S A WHITE
SALE AT GIMBELS,
AND I COULD GO ON!
NO, DON'T, I GET THE PICTURE.
SEND GABE INTO MY
OFFICE, WILL YOU PLEASE?
YOU KNOW, THESE HALLS WOULD
NOT BE NEARLY AS CROWDED
IF HE GOT ON THE BALL
AND STARTED EXPELLING
SOME OF THESE STUDENTS.
GABE ISN'T HERE, EITHER.
OH, OH, YOU THINK MAYBE,
UH, GABE AND MS. SHERBECK
GOT A LITTLE SOMETHING, UH...
NO, MR. WOODMAN, HE'S AT THAT
SCHOOL BOARD SEMINAR UPSTATE.
ANOTHER SEMINAR, I
GIVE HIM A PROMOTION
AND RIGHT AWAY HE'S
A SOCIAL BUTTERFLY.
MR. WOODMAN, WHEN
YOU WERE VICE PRINCIPAL
YOU WENT TO THOSE SCHOOL
BOARD SEMINARS ALL THE TIME.
YEAH, AND WHAT
DID I GET OUT OF IT?
YEAR AFTER YEAR, SEEING
THE SAME, DREARY FACES,
HEARING THE SAME,
BORING LECTURES,
EATING THE SAME, STALE
FINGER SANDWICHES.
GOD, HOW I MISS THEM.
HEY, WHAT'S HAPPENIN', WOODY?
HOW YOU DOIN', MR. WOODMAN?
GANGSTERS.
MRS. KOTTER, SO,
WHERE'S THE MISTER?
HE'S AT A SEMINAR, ARNOLD,
HE'LL BE BACK LATE TONIGHT.
OH YEAH, WELL WE GOT
SOME GOOD NEWS FOR HIM.
PERHAPS WE COULD, UH, DROP
BY YOUR RESIDENCE TONIGHT.
NOT "DROP BY," VINNIE.
YEAH, YEAH, IT BE
MORE LIKE, CRUISE BY.
NEVER EXCEEDING THE
MAXIMUM SPEED LIMIT, OF COURSE.
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS TALKING ABOUT?
WE GOT OURSELVES A CAR.
WHAT?
ARE YOU CRAZY,
THAT'S GRAND THEFT.
NOW, I DON'T KNOW
WHERE YOU GOT THIS CAR,
BUT TAKE IT BACK AND
TURN YOURSELVES IN
AND MAYBE YOU'LL GET
SUSPENDED SENTENCES.
MR. WOODMAN, I
AM ASHAMED OF YOU.
AS LONG AS YOU'VE
KNOWN THESE BOYS
AND YOU ARE READY TO
THINK OF THE WORST OF THEM.
COME HERE, FELLAS, COME ON.
NOW, I DON'T CARE
WHERE YOU GOT THAT CAR,
I WANT YOU TO TAKE IT
BACK, TURN YOURSELVES IN
AND MAYBE YOU'LL GET
SUSPENDED SENTENCES.
UH, COME ON, MRS. KOTTER,
THIS AIN'T NO HOT CAR.
WELL, IT IS WHEN WE'RE IN IT.
YEAH.
LOOK, MRS. KOTTER, VINNIE'S
UNCLE LOUIE, HE SOLD IT
TO US FOR 150
BUCKS AND 87 CENTS,
WHICH SHOULD PUT US ON THE ROAD
TO A CAR FULL OF KISSY FACE.
GIRLS.
THAT'S RIGHT, GIRLS,
HUBBA, HUBBA, HUBBA.
BEFORE YOU GET YOUR
ENGINES ALL REVVED UP,
LET ME REMIND YOU, NO DECENT
GIRL WOULD BE COULD DEAD
WITH A SWEATHOG.
WHAT DOES THAT MAKE
ME, I MARRIED ONE?
YOU'RE DIFFERENT,
YOU'RE FROM NEBRASKA.
YOU WERE BROUGHT UP WITH HOGS.
HI, MRS. KOTTER,
WE CAME TO SEE IF
THE TICKETS FOR THE
VICTORY DANCE ARE IN YET.
OH, JUST A SECOND, I'LL CHECK.
HOLD ON TO YOUR HATS,
BOYS, TONIGHT WE MAKE
THE BIG TOUCHDOWN IN THE SKY.
OH YEAH, WE ABOUT TO
JOIN THE MAJOR LEAGUES.
OH, COME ON, THOSE
GIRLS ARE CHEERLEADERS,
THEY'D NEVER GO OUT WITH US.
OH YEAH, WELL YOU WATCH
OLD JUAN CIRCUMNAVIGATE
THIS SITUATION HERE.
MORNING, LADIES.
WOULD YOU AND YOUR
FRIENDS LIKE TO GO OUT WITH ME
AND MY CO-HORSES?
BUZZ OFF, BUSTER.
YOU'RE UP.
CHECK THIS OUT.
NOW, BABY, UH, I THINK OF
WHAT BEING SEEN ON THE ARM
OF THE STAR BASKETBALL
PLAYER WILL DO FOR YOUR IMAGE.
YEAH, IT'LL MAKE ME LOOK SHORT.
YO MAMA'S SHORT.
AIN'T THAT THE TRUTH,
AIN'T THAT THE TRUTH.
YEAH, YOU CAN GO.
YOU GUYS DON'T KNOW
HOW DO DO ANYTHING.
YOU WANNA SEE A
PRO GET THE JOB DONE?
- YEAH.
- ALRIGHT.
TAKE NOTES IF YOU LIKE.
WE GOT A CAR.
PICK US UP AT 7.
SEE.
HE'S A GENIUS.
I HATE HOSPITALS, WE DO WE GOTTA
PICK OUR CAR UP AT A HOSPITAL?
IT'S BECAUSE VINNIE
WORKS HERE AND HIS UNCLE'S
GONNA DROP THE CAR OFF HERE.
GEE, I WONDER IF THIS
CAR COMES FULLY EQUIPPED.
WELL, I KNOW THEM
CHEERLEADERS SHOWIN' UP DID.
HEY ARNOLD, I GOT US A
DECORATION FOR THE CAR.
OH NO, LITTLE JUAN, A
NICE SAINT CHRISTOPHER
BELONGS IN THE FRONT.
LET HIM BRING HIS OWN DICE.
JUAN, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND,
THOSE DICE ARE ILLEGAL.
WHY, THEY AIN'T LOADED.
ACCORDING TO THE NEW YORK
DRIVERS' MANUAL, AND I QUOTE,
"NOTHING MAY BE PLACE
IN OR ON A VEHICLE,
SO THAT IT OBSTRUCTS
THE DRIVER'S
CLEAR VIEW THROUGH
THE WINDSHIELD."
I'M SORRY.
ARNOLD, I GOTTA USE THE
DICE, I AIN'T GOT NO BABY SHOES.
YEAH, HIS FAMILY'S
STILL USIN' 'EM.
THEY KEPT HIS SHOES AND
THEY BRONZED HIS FEET.
OKAY, FINE.
WELL, I TALKED TO MY
UNCLE LOUIE'S HOUSE
AND THEY SAID THAT UNCLE LOUIE
LEFT, OH, ABOUT AN HOUR AGO,
SO HE SHOULD BE HERE ANY MINUTE.
HEY, VINNIE, SINCE YOU'RE GONNA
BE DOING ALL OF THE DRIVING,
I WOULD LIKE TO
TEST YOU ON THE LAWS
THAT GOVERN OUR LOCAL HIGHWAYS
AND OUR BYWAYS, OKAY?
LET'S START WITH PAGE 1,
HAND SIGNALS, ALL RIGHT.
WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?
OH, I KNOW WHAT THAT
MEANS, THAT MEANS,
THAT MEANS YOUR UNDERARM
DEODORANT AIN'T DRY YET.
- THE COPS!
- THE COPS!
WHAT HAVE YOU GOT HERE?
AUTOMOBILE ACCIDENT,
CORNER OF BAY PARKWAY
AND 86TH STREET.
NO DOUBT FROM NOT USING
THE PROPER HAND SIGNALS.
GET THIS PATIENT INTO
EXAM ROOM THREE, STAT.
BARBARINO, MOVE THAT
PATIENT NOW, COME ON.
SEE THAT, WHEN THEY
NEED A REAL DOCTOR,
THEY GET BARBARINO.
LOOK AT THIS POOR GUY, HE
PROBABLY DIDN'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT HIT HIM.
HEY, THIS AIN'T NO PATIENT,
THIS IS MY UNCLE LOUIE.
OH, HOW TERRIBLE,
VINNIE'S UNCLE LOUIE.
IT'S A SAD DAY IN BROOKLYN.
HEY, MAN, THAT'S BAD NEWS,
BOY, TO BE IN A CAR ACCIDENT.
IN OUR CAR!
HEY, MURRAY, GIVE ME
ANOTHER HAMBURGER.
THIS IS DEFINITELY A
TWO-HAMBURGER STORY
IF I EVER HEARD ONE.
HE SAY THIS A MEATY STORY.
HEY, UH, LET ME
ASK YOU SOMETHIN'.
IF YOUR UNCLE WRECKED
THE CAR BEFORE YOU GOT IT,
WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST
GET YOUR MONEY BACK?
I DIDN'T KNOW WHETHER THE CAR
WAS WRECKED BEFORE I BOUGHT IT.
LOOK, THE ONLY THING I KNOW
WAS THAT IT WAS THE WORST
THING THAT EVER
HAPPENED TO US, RIGHT?
YEAH.
THIS IS THE WORST THING
THAT'S EVER HAPPENED TO ME.
MY FAVORITE UNCLE LOUIE,
MY OWN FLESH AND BLOOD,
AND HE'S LYIN' IN THERE
WITH MULTIPLE CONFUSIONS.
WELL, THAT SOUNDS
REAL BAD, VINNIE.
UH, DID HE SAY WHERE HE WAS HIT?
IN THE ARM.
BUT WAS HIS ARM
INSIDE OR OUTSIDE
OF THE CAR WHEN IT WAS HIT?
I DON'T KNOW, I GUESS
IT WAS THE DOOR.
THEY SAID IT WAS
BROKEN IN TWO PLACES.
THE DOOR?
NO, HIS ARM.
OH, FOR A SECOND THERE I
THOUGHT I LOST MY WINDOW SEAT.
HEY, VINNIE, I DON'T WANNA SOUND
INDELICATE AT A TIME LIKE THIS,
BUT DID YOUR UNCLE
HAPPEN TO MENTION
THE STATE AND
CONDITION OF THE CAR.
OF COURSE NOT, HE
WAS JUST IN AN ACCIDENT,
WHY WOULD HE DO THAT?
VINNIE, I WANT YOU TO TAKE
A WILD GUESS NOW, BUDDY.
WHAT DO YOU THINK
YOUR UNCLE WAS DRIVIN' IN
WHEN HE HAD THE ACCIDENT?
HE WAS DELIVERIN' THE
CAR THAT WE JUST BOUGHT.
HE WRECKED OUR CAR.
HE WRECKED OUR
CAR... VINNIE, WAIT, WHOA.
HEY LOOK, WE DON'T KNOW
IF THE CAR IS WRECKED.
ALL WE KNOW IS THAT
YOUR UNCLE IS WRECKED.
THAT'S TRUE, VINNIE, THERE
ARE A LOT OF ACCIDENTS
IN WHICH A PERSON IS
SERIOUSLY INJURED AND THE CAR
HAS BUT A SCRATCH ON IT.
OF COURSE, THOSE ACCIDENTS
USUALLY INVOLVE A PEDESTRIAN.
LOUIE, LOUIE, WHERE'S MY LOUIE?
LOUIE, LOUIE... OH,
VINCENZIO, VINCENZIO,
WHERE, WHERE, WHERE IS MY LOUIE?
WHAT HAVE THEY DONE
WITH MY HUSBAND?
YOU MUST BE MRS. BARBARINO.
WHAT DO YOU THINK,
I'M MAMA CELESTE?
OF COURSE I'M MRS. BARBARINO,
WHERE IS MY HUSBAND?
THE DOCTORS HAVE JUST
FINISHED SETTING HIS ARM.
DIO MIO, SETTING THE ARM?
WAIT HERE JUST A MINUTE AND
I'LL CHECK WITH THE DOCTORS
AND SEE IF THE
FAMILY'S ALLOWED IN YET.
I'M NOT FAMILY, I'M HIS WIFE!
AUNT JOSEPHINE,
PLEASE DON'T WORRY,
I'M SURE UNCLE LOUIE'S
GONNA BE JUST FINE.
OH, VINCENZIO, OH.
OH, YOU, YOU ARE
SO NICE TO BE HERE.
IN MY HOUR OF NEED,
YOU ARE A SAINT.
YOU ARE A SAINT, I TELL
YOU, YOU ARE A SAINT.
DON'T, THE GUYS ARE WATCHIN'.
OH, HOW WONDERFUL!
THESE ARE YOUR LITTLE FRIENDS
AND THEY ARE SO CONCERNED
ABOUT YOUR UNCLE LOUIE.
- I WANNA MEET THEM.
- ALRIGHT.
- THIS IS HORSHACK.
- HI.
- AND THAT IS WASHINGTON.
- HI, MAMA.
- AND HE'S EPSTEIN.
- HELLO.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, AND
HIS STUPID UNCLE LOUIE
WENT AND WRECKED OUR CAR.
JUST HOLD ON HERE.
NICE TO MEET YA.
NOW LOOK, DON'T WORRY,
GIRLS, YOU JUST SHOW UP,
HERE AT THE HOSPITAL, AND
WE'LL TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING.
OH, SO THESE ARE YOUR
WONDERFUL FRIENDS, HUH?
PUNKS.
HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD
YA NOT TO HANG AROUND PUNKS?
YOU'RE GONNA BREAK YOUR
MOTHER'S HEART, YOU KNOW THAT?
MRS. BARBARINO, THE DOCTOR
SAYS YOU CAN VISIT YOUR HUSBAND,
JUST FOR A MINUTE,
HE'S IN ROOM 110.
WAIT, AUNT JOSEPHINE,
BEFORE YOU GO IN THERE
YOU GOTTA FIND OUT
SOME THINGS FOR US, OKAY?
ANYTHING, ANYTHING.
YOU BOYS ARE SO, SO
GOOD TO BE SO CONSIDERATE
ABOUT HIS UNCLE LOUIE,
WHAT DO YOU WANNA KNOW?
- HOW BAD WAS THE CAR HIT?
- WILL IT STILL RUN?
IF NOT, CAN THE
BACKSEAT BE SALVAGED?
WHAT DID I TELL YOU, PUNKS.
OH, DELLA MIA,
WHERE IS MY LOUIE?
COME ON SEVEN.
COME ON SEVEN.
A FIVE AND THREE WILL DO IT.
TOO BAD, SNAKE EYES, YOU
LOSE, LADY LUCK ON MY SIDE.
HEY, WHAT ARE YOU GUYS
DOIN', YOU KNOW YOU SHOULDN'T
BE SHOOTIN' CRAPS HERE.
YEAH, WE SHOULD BE
SHOOTIN' YOUR UNCLE LOUIE.
VINCENZE, VINCENZE, HOW
CAN MY LOUIE END UP LIKE THIS?
OH NO, HE DIED OF A BROKEN ARM?
NO, HE'S GONNA BE FINE.
IT'S WHAT HE'S DONE
THAT IS SO HORRIBLE.
I TELL YOU IT IS
THE WILL OF GOD,
THE MAN IS BEING PUNISHED.
UNCLE LOUIE DID
SOMETHING TO GOD?
WORSE THAN THAT, YOUR
UNCLE LOUIE'S IN SOME
SHADY BUSINESS DEAL, YOU SEE...
HEY, NONE OF YOU
PUNKS HAVE HOMES?
HEY, WHAT DO I LOOK
LIKE, LITTLE ORPHAN ANNIE?
WELL, NOW THAT YOU
MENTION IT, LITTLE JUAN.
BACK OFF, THIS
HERE IS FAMILY STUFF.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
WE'RE GONNA BACK UP,
WE'RE GONNA BACK OFF,
BUT IF MY FAMILY EVER STARTS
SOME SHADY BUSINESS
DEAL, SEE IF I LET YOU LISTEN.
WHAT'D UNCLE LOUIE
DO THAT WAS SO BAD?
THIS NEVER WOULD'VE
HAPPENED IF HE HADN'T
OF BOUGHT THAT WRECK.
OH NO, THE CAR IS WRECKED, HUH?
THE CAR WAS A COMPLETE
WRECK WHEN HE BOUGHT IT
IN THE JUNKYARD FOR $25.
$25?
YEAH, AND HE'S GONNA
TRY TO SELL IT FOR $150
TO SOME SUCKER.
FOUR SUCKERS.
BUT DON'T WORRY, I
DID THE RIGHT THING.
YEAH, BROKE HIS OTHER ARM.
NO, NO.
I GOT HIS WALLET RIGHT
HERE WITH THE $150
I GOT THIS MORNING.
AND I'M GONNA TAKE
IT TO THE CHURCH
AND PUT IT IN THE POOR BOX.
BUT YOU CAN' DO
THAT, AUNT JOSEPHINE.
BUT VINCENZE, THESE THINGS
ARE BEST LEFT IN GOD'S HANDS.
YEAH, BUT MAYBE GOD IS BUSY.
GOD IS NEVER TOO
BUSY TO TAKE $150.
WELL, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
SOMETHING, AUNT JOSEPHINE.
THAT MONEY IS MINE, I'M
THE SUCKER HE SOLD IT TO.
AH, VINNIE, VINNIE, YOU
HAVE SUCH A SWEET MOUTH.
HOW COULD YOU SAY SUCH
LIES ABOUT YOUR UNCLE?
THEY AIN'T LIES, AUNT
JOSEPHINE, WOULD I LIE ABOUT
MY FAVORITE UNCLE LOUIE?
THE GUY WHO, WHEN I WAS A LITTLE
KID, HE TOOK ME TO CONEY ISLAND.
HE MADE ME PLAY STICKBALL
AND BOUGHT MY FIRST MITT.
WHO I LIE ABOUT
MY FAVORITE UNCLE?
I'M TELLIN' YA, THAT ROTTEN
LOUSE STOLE MY $150.
JUST GIVE ME THE
MONEY, NO BIG DEAL.
VINNIE, IF THIS IS YOUR
MONEY, I WANT YOU TO HAVE IT.
NOT UNTIL YOUR UNCLE
LOOKS ME IN THE EYE
AND TELLS ME WITH HIS OWN LIPS.
OKAY, COME ON,
LET'S GO FIND OUT.
MRS. BARBARINO, YOU
MIGHT AS WELL GO HOME
AND GET SOME SLEEP, WE'VE JUST
GIVEN YOUR HUSBAND A SEDATIVE.
AUNT JOSEPHINE, LOOK, I'M
SURE UNCLE LOUIE CAN'T SLEEP
WITH ALL THAT STUFF ON HIS MIND.
WHY DON'T I GO SEE IF HE'S AWAKE
AND YOU STAY HERE AND WAIT
FOR US TO COME BACK, OKAY?
COME ON.
OKAY, YOU GUYS KNOW
WHAT TO DO, RIGHT?
VINNIE, I'M TELLIN' YOU, MAN,
THIS AIN'T GONNA NEVER WORK.
SHE AIN'T GONNA BELIEVE
THIS IS UNCLE LOUIE.
DO YOU WANT YOUR
MONEY BACK, THEN DO IT.
HEY, FOR 87 CENTS
I'LL TRY ANYTHING.
EPSTEIN, EPSTEIN, DO
YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO?
- IT'S ALL RIGHT.
- GOOD, LET'S GO.
AUNT JOSEPHINE?
OH, LOUIE, LOUIE, OH, MY LOUIE,
MY LOUIE, OH, MY LOUIE.
AUNT JOSEPHINE, WE
GOTTA ACT QUICK NOW
'CAUSE HE'S UNDER THE
INFLUENCE OF A SLEEPING PILL
AND I GOTTA GET HIM TO
THE IN... INTENSIVE RESTROOM.
UNCLE LOUIE, TELL
HER THAT IT'S MY MONEY.
OH.
SEE, HE SAID IT WAS MY MONEY.
VINNIE BARBARINO, WHAT ARE
YOU DOING WITH THIS PATIENT?
HEY NURSE, LOOK, YOU
GOTTA HELP MY FRIEND!
I THINK HE'S GOT APPENDICITIS!
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT,
NOT UNTIL MY LOUIE
LOOKS ME IN THE EYE AND TELLS ME
THAT THIS IS YOUR MONEY.
TELL HER, UNCLE LOUIE.
I THOUGHT HE HAD A BROKEN ARM?
IT SPREAD.
GO ON, TELL HER
WHOSE MONEY IT IS.
THANK YOU, UNCLE LOUIE.
HEY, WE CAN STOP THIS NOW,
WE GOT OUR MONEY BACK.
OH, THANK YOU, I
FEEL SO MUCH BETTER.
YOU HAVE WONDERFUL HANDS.
HEY, COME ON, YOU GUYS, WE'RE
GONNA BE LATE FOR THE GAME.
OH, WE AIN'T GONNA BE LATE,
BABY, 'CAUSE WE'RE READY
TO MOVE ANY TIME.
OH, AUNT JOSEPHINE,
WHEN YOU SEE UNCLE LOUIE AGAIN,
HE'S GONNA BE A DIFFERENT MAN.
SO YOU SEE, IT ALL TURNED
OUT ALL RIGHT ANYWAY
'CAUSE WE STILL GOT
TO KEEP THE DATE
WITH THE CHEERLEADERS.
AND MAY I SAY WE ALSO
GOT OUR MONEY BACK, TOO.
AND UNCLE LOUIE
TURNED OUT JUST FINE,
FOR UNCLE LOUIE.
WELL, GENTLEMEN, UH, THIS
LUNCH HAS PROVEN TO BE A MOST,
MOST EDUCATIONAL EXPERIENCE.
SURE, NEVER BUY NOTHIN'
FROM A BARBARINO.
NO, NEVER EAT NOTHIN'
FROM A BURGERZAAR.
HE SAY...
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YOU ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YOU ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ 'CAUSE WE GOT
HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪♪