Welcome Back, Kotter (1975–1979): Season 4, Episode 22 - I'm Okay, But You're Not - full transcript
- LISTEN TO THIS ONE.
"WOODMAN IS A TEST TUBE BABY."
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I THINK HE LOOKS MORE
LIKE A MASON JAR BABY.
- LABARRE.
WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT?
- WHAT AM I LAUGHING AT?
UH, I'M LAUGHING THAT
SOMEBODY COULD BE SO FOOLISH
AS TO WRITE SOMETHING LIKE THAT
ABOUT SUCH A FINE MAN.
- THANK YOU, DE LABARRE.
- YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO?
I'M GONNA GET SOME PAINT
AND COVER UP THAT FILTH.
- THANK YOU, MY BOY.
- THAT'S ONLY THE BEGINNING.
SEE, WHEN I GET DONE THERE,
I'M GOING OVER THE
BOYS' RESTROOM
AND COVER UP ALL THE
DISPARAGING REMARKS
ABOUT YOU IN THERE TOO.
'COURSE, IT MAY TAKE
SEVERAL GALLONS OF PAINT.
- THAT'S SPLENDID, MY BOY.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, AFTER
YOU'VE FINISHED THAT,
YOU COME TO MY OFFICE,
I'LL GIVE YOU THE KEY,
DO THE SAME THING IN
THE FACULTY MEN'S ROOM.
- HELLO, MR. WOODMAN.
- OH, THAT'S EASY
FOR YOU TO SAY.
- OH, WELL, SOMEBODY WOKE UP
ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE BED.
- I HAVEN'T BEEN TO
BED IN TWO NIGHTS.
NIGHT BEFORE LAST I HAD TO
TAKE MR. HICKS OUT TO DINNER.
- YOU MEAN THE MR. HICKS
THAT'S RETIRING FROM
THE SCHOOL BOARD?
- HM. DIDN'T GET HOME
'TIL AFTER MIDNIGHT.
THOUGHT HE WOULD
NEVER PICK UP THE CHECK.
THEN WHEN I DID GET HOME,
THE REFRIGERATOR
WAS ON THE BLINK
SO I HAD TO STAY UP
AND EAT THE DOGGY BAG.
- NAH, COULDN'T
LET IT GO TO WASTE.
- AND THAT WEIRDO
HICKS, YOU KNOW,
HE ORDERS HIS STEAKS BLOOD RARE.
I COULD HARDLY GET
HIS LEFTOVERS DOWN.
AND THEN I HAD TO
STAY UP ALL LAST NIGHT
WITH THESE FULL STUDENT
EVALUATION REPORTS.
- HERE, WHY DON'T YOU
JUST GIVE THESE TO ME.
YOU GO INTO YOUR
OFFICE AND SIT DOWN
AND I WILL LOOK THEM
OVER AND THEN PUT THEM
IN THE STUDENT FILES, OKAY?
- THANKS, JULIE.
HOLD ALL MY CALLS, WILL YOU?
- YUP.
- GO AND TRY TO GET 40 WINKS.
CAN'T FACE THE WORLD
WITHOUT MY BEAUTY SLEEP.
- AND VICE VERSA.
HI, ARNOLD. WHAT
CAN I DO FOR YOU?
- WELL, I JUST STOPPED
BY TO SEE IF THE SUPPLIES
FOR THE SCHOOL STORE
HAVE COME IN YET?
OH... JUST A SECOND, ARNOLD.
HELLO? YEAH.
OH, GREAT, THANKS.
YEAH, I'LL BE RIGHT DOWN.
OKAY, THANKS A LOT. BYE, BYE.
ARNOLD, LOOK.
MISS VATELLI IN HOME EC,
SHE HEMMED THIS SKIRT FOR ME
AND I HAVE TO GO
DOWNSTAIRS AND TRY IT ON.
- OH, THAT MISS VATELLI,
SHE'S GREAT AT HEMMING.
ALSO HAWING.
- LOOK, ARNOLD, WILL
YOU DO ME A BIG FAVOR
AND MAN THE PHONES
FOR ME WHILE I'M GONE?
- OH, SURE, YOU JUST RUN ALONG.
- OKAY, THANKS, ARNOLD.
- AND DON'T YOU WORRY
YOUR PRETTY LITTLE HEAD.
I WILL RUN THIS OFFICE
WITH THE SAME EFFICIENCY
AND COURTESY THAT
YOU YOURSELF WOULD.
BYE.
YEE-HAW!
IT'S YOUR DIME, SPILL IT.
OH, HI, MRS. MINOTTI.
OH, HAROLD ISN'T
GONNA BE IN TODAY?
HE'S GONNA BE LATE?
WE'LL NEVER MISS HIM.
I LOVE POWER.
- WELL, WELL, MRS. KOTTER.
YOU'VE DONE SOMETHING
DIFFERENT WITH YOUR HAIR.
- YEAH, BUT SHE PUT
IT ON THE WRONG HEAD.
- THAT'S NOT FUNNY, BOYS.
MRS. KOTTER HAS STEPPED
AWAY MOMENTARILY
AND I AM THE NEW
CAPTAIN OF THE HELM.
- WHOA, ABANDON
SHIP, ABANDON SHIP.
- ARE YOU HERE ON
OFFICIAL BUSINESS
OR DID YOU JUST STOP BY TO
MAKE YOUR SOPHOMORIC REMARKS?
- WHADDYA MEAN,
SOPHOMORIC REMARKS?
C'MON, MAN, WE GAVE UP THOSE
KIND OF REMARKS YEARS AGO.
NOW WE'RE DOING
SENIOR MORIC REMARKS.
- YEAH, ACTUALLY WE CAME IN
SO I COULD CON MRS. KOTTER
OUT OF AN OFF-CAMPUS PASS.
- WELL, UNFORTUNATELY,
MRS. KOTTER IS NOT HERE
AND YOU WOULD BE
WASTING YOUR TIME
BECAUSE I, ARNOLD
"WILL-OF-IRON" HORSHACK,
CANNOT BE CONNED.
- WHAT A PITY.
WHAT A PITY.
YOU KNOW, I WAS THINKING
ABOUT TAKING ALL FOUR OF US
OUT TO LUNCH OVER
AT THE PIZZA PLAZA.
- FORTUNATELY, ARNOLD
"WILL-OF-IRON" HORSHACK
CAN BE BRIBED.
- LET'S CIRCUMNAVIGATE
THOSE PASSES
SO WE CAN GET OVER
THERE TO THE PIZZA PARLOR.
- OOH, YEAH. BOY, I CAN
TASTE THEM ANCHOVIES
NOW, NOW, NOW.
- LATE PASSES, PARTY PASSES,
ABSENTEE EXCUSES.
MAYBE THE OFF-CAMPUS
PASSES ARE OFF-CAMPUS.
- HEY, WHAT'S THIS?
STUDENT EVALUATION REPORTS,
MICHAEL J. WOODMAN, PRINCIPAL.
- OH, DON'T READ THAT, BEAU.
PUT THOSE DOWN. YOU
CANNOT READ THESE.
NO STUDENT CAN EVER READ THE
STUDENT EVALUATION REPORTS,
NEVER, NEVER, NEVER.
- HEY, YOU KNOW,
THAT'S TRUE, MAN.
IF WE GOT CAUGHT
LOOKING AT THESE,
WE CAN GET INTO
MAJOR LEAGUE TROUBLE.
- THAT'S RIGHT. THE LAST
GUY WHO GOT CAUGHT
LOOKING AT THIS, IS
STILL CLAPPING ERASERS.
AND HE GRADUATED 8 YEARS AGO.
- OH, GIVE ME THAT BACK.
- ARE THEY REALLY
THAT IMPORTANT?
- YES, THEY ARE.
- LET'S CHECK 'EM OUT.
- WELL, THEN, WHAT
ARE WE WAITING FOR?
- BEAU, YOU REALLY
SHOULDN'T DO THIS.
BEAU, THIS IS NOT A
RIGHT THING TO DO.
BEAU, YOU SHOULDN'T DO THIS.
YOU COULD GET IN A
LOT OF TROUBLE, BEAU,
YOU CAN'T DO THIS KIND OF THING.
- HORSHACK!
- THANK YOU.
- YOU'RE WELCOME.
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED ♪
♪ SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS
HAVE REMAINED ♪
♪ AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT ♪
♪ 'CAUSE WE'VE GOT
HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME
BACK WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT ♪
♪ 'CAUSE WE'VE GOT
HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME
BACK WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME
BACK WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME
BACK WELCOME BACK ♪
- I DON'T BELIEVE THIS, MAN.
I DON'T BELIEVE WHAT THEY
GOT IN THIS THING HERE.
LISTEN TO THIS, MAN.
CHECK OUT WHAT
MR. WOODMAN WROTE ABOUT ME.
"WASHINGTON IS CAPABLE
OF BEING A GOOD STUDENT.
HE SPENDS THE MAJORITY OF HIS
TIME ON THE BASKETBALL COURT.
HIS PER POINT
GAME AVERAGE IS 28."
- WELL, THAT'S NOT SO BAD.
- "AND SO IS HIS IQ."
- WELL, LISTEN TO WHAT
MR. WOODMAN HAS TO SAY
ABOUT THE KID HERE,
ARE YOU READY?
"JUAN EPSTEIN HAS NOT LIVED
UP TO HIS FULL POTENTIAL.
BUT WHEN HE DOES, IT
WILL BE A FEDERAL MATTER
AND OUT OF MY HANDS."
- I DO NOT BELIEVE
WHAT I AM READING HERE.
IT SAYS THAT I TEND
TO BE CHILDISH.
- HEY, C'MON, GUYS, THERE'S
NO NEED TO BE UPSET.
THESE THINGS DON'T
MEAN ANYTHING.
- OH, YEAH? WELL,
WHAT DID OLD WOODFACE
HAVE TO SAY ABOUT YOU IN THERE?
- YEAH, WHAT DID HE SAY?
- YEAH, WELL, WHAT
DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?
LET'S JUST GO HAVE SOME LUNCH.
- YOU LOOK UPSET, MAN.
HEY, MR. WOODMAN MUST HAVE
REALLY NAILED YOU TO THE WALL.
LET'S JUST SEE IT.
- LET'S JUST FORGET IT
AND GO GRAB SOME LUNCH.
YOUR FILE.
- LET'S SEE WHAT IT SAYS.
- LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT IT, HUH?
NOW LOOK IT, BEAU BUDDY,
IF YOU FEEL LIKE CRYING,
YOU GO RIGHT AHEAD 'CAUSE
YOU'RE AMONGST FRIENDS.
- YEAH.
- BE A MAN.
- SAYS HERE, "YOU'RE
A MODEL STUDENT
AND CITIZEN,
COURTEOUS, RESPECTFUL,
WELL MANNERED AND TRUSTWORTHY."
- WOW, ALL WE NEED IS
"THRIFTY, BRAVE AND KIND"
AND YOU COULD BE A BOY SCOUT.
- I AIN'T FINISHED.
"THRIFTY, BRAVE AND KIND.
THE ONLY FAULT I FIND
WITH BEAU DE LABARRE
IS THE MOTLEY BUNCH OF PUNKS
HE INSISTS ON
RUNNING AROUND WITH."
- HEY, THAT SOUNDS LIKE US.
- HEY, COME ON, GUYS.
THESE REPORTS
DON'T MEAN ANYTHING.
- I THINK THEY DO.
I THINK THAT THEY MEAN
THAT YOU'VE BEEN DOING
SOME APPLE-POLISHING ABOVE
AND BEYOND THE CALL OF DUTY.
- HEY, YOU KNOW
WHAT I THINK, MAN?
I THINK THAT WHILE BEAU
WAS TALKING HIMSELF UP
TO MR. WOODMAN, HE
BEEN TALKING US DOWN.
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, MAN.
FROM NOW ON, YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN.
- HEY, C'MON, I DIDN'T HAVE
ANYTHING TO DO WITH THIS.
GIVE ME A BREAK.
- SURE.
WHICH LEG?
- C'MON, GUYS.
ARNOLD?
- IN THE WORDS OF THE
CHILDISH ARNOLD HORSHACK,
LIAR, LIAR, PANTS ON FIRE.
- HI, BEAU.
- HI, MRS. KOTTER.
- BEAU, WHY ARE YOU EATING
HERE ALL BY YOURSELF?
DON'T YOU USUALLY EAT IN THE
SCHOOLYARD WITH THE GUYS?
- YEAH, THE GUYS DO. I DON'T.
- OKAY, WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
- LOOK, I CONNED
MR. WOODMAN INTO THINKING
I'M SUCH A GREAT GUY.
NOW MY BUDDIES
THINK I'M A GREAT JERK.
- WELL, WHY DO YOU FEEL
LIKE YOU HAVE TO CON PEOPLE
INTO THINGS ALL
THE TIME, ANYWAY?
- I DUNNO. I CAN'T HELP MYSELF.
YOU KNOW, WHEN
YOU'VE BEEN IN AND OUT
OF AS MANY SCHOOLS AS I HAVE,
CONNING PEOPLE INTO LIKING
YOU BECOMES SECOND NATURE.
- YOU KNOW, BEAU, PEOPLE
WOULD LIKE YOU A LOT MORE
IF YOU WOULD JUST BE YOURSELF.
- I DON'T THINK I KNOW
WHO "MYSELF" IS ANYMORE.
- BEAU, YOU ARE A
REAL LIKEABLE GUY.
YOU'VE GOT A GREAT
SENSE OF HUMOR.
I MEAN, ALL THOSE
STORIES ABOUT GROWING UP
ON THE PLANTATION ARE WONDERFUL.
AND HOW YOUR DADDY ALWAYS
USED TO SAY THINGS IN THREES.
THAT'S ALL REAL FUNNY STUFF.
- MRS. KOTTER, MY DADDY
NEVER TOLD ME ANYTHING.
I HARDLY EVEN KNEW
WHO MY DADDY WAS.
I WAS SHUFFLED FROM
RELATIVE TO RELATIVE.
AND THE CLOSEST THING I
EVER GOT TO A PLANTATION
WAS SNEAKING INTO THE THEATER
TO WATCH "GONE WITH THE WIND."
- I KNOW THAT.
- YOU KNEW THAT?
- OF COURSE I DID.
I COULD SEE THROUGH
THAT PHONY ACT OF YOURS
FROM THE FIRST DAY YOU GOT HERE.
- YAH, BUT YOU'RE OLD AND WISE.
- YOU ARE A CHARMER.
- YEAH, WELL, I DIDN'T CHARM
ANYBODY THIS MORNING.
- YOU KNOW WHAT?
WHY DON'T YOU JUST
GIVE THE GUYS A CHANCE?
WHY DON'T YOU GIVE
YOURSELF A CHANCE?
YOU KNOW, MAYBE EVEN
MR. WOODMAN COULD HELP YOU.
- WOODMAN?
YOU'RE A GENIUS, MRS. KOTTER.
YOU KNOW, MR. WOODMAN
GOT ME INTO THIS MESS.
I THINK MR. WOODMAN'S JUST
GONNA HAVE TO GET ME OUT.
THANK YOU, DEAR LADY.
I WONDER, JULIE KOTTER,
STUDENT COUNSELOR.
- MR. WOODMAN?
- OH. AH, DE LABARRE, MY BOY.
- HOPE YOU WEREN'T
SLEEPING, MR. WOODMAN.
- ME? SLEEPING?
NONSENSE, I WAS JUST
CHECKING THE DESK
FOR IMPERFECTIONS IN THE VENEER.
- YEAH, WHEN I
HEARD YOU STAYED UP
ALL LATE LAST NIGHT WORKING,
I FIGURED THE LEAST I COULD DO
WAS BRING YOU A NICE
STRONG CUP OF COFFEE.
HELP YOU THROUGH THE DAY.
- AH, THAT'S VERY THOUGHTFUL.
THANK YOU, MY BOY.
- YOU'RE WELCOME.
OH, OH, OH, OH!
LISTEN, WHY DON'T YOU JUST
SLIP OFF THOSE TROUSERS,
I'LL TAKE 'EM DOWN TO HOME EC
AND HAVE THE STAIN REMOVED?
- OH, FORGET IT. IT'S
TOO MUCH TROUBLE.
- OH, MR. WOODMAN, A
MAN OF YOUR STANDING
CANNOT BE SEEN AROUND
SCHOOL WITH STAINED TROUSERS.
- WELL, ALL RIGHT,
IF YOU SAY SO.
WHERE ARE YOUR MANNERS?
TURN YOUR HEAD, DE LABARRE.
- HEY!
- LISTEN, WHY DON'T
YOU JUST SIT TIGHT?
IN FACT, WHY DON'T YOU
JUST TAKE A LITTLE NAP?
- AHH.
- YOU KNOW, BY THE
TIME YOU WAKE UP,
I'LL HAVE THESE
BACK GOOD AS NEW.
- ALL RIGHT.
- WELL, WELL, WELL.
IF IT ISN'T MR. WOODMAN'S
LITTLE ANGEL.
- YOU THINK I'M A WOODMAN'S BOY?
WELL, I'VE GOT HIS
PANTS RIGHT HERE.
WHADDYA THINK ABOUT THAT?
- ISN'T THAT CUTE?
NOW THEY'RE STARTING
TO DRESS ALIKE.
- FOR YOUR INFORMATION, I'M
ABOUT TO TAKE THESE TROUSERS
AND RUN 'EM UP THE FLAGPOLE.
- WELL, WHADDYA
WAITING FOR? GO ON, DO IT.
- JUST AS SOON AS I
DO ONE MORE THING?
- OH, YEAH, WHAT?
- THIS.
C'MON.
- LET'S GET OUTTA HERE.
- WOODMAN HERE.
- MR. WOODMAN, DID
YOU CALL A FIRE DRILL?
- NO, WHY?
- WELL, THEN THE
SCHOOL'S ON FIRE
BECAUSE THE FIRE
BELL'S GOING OFF.
- OH, GOOD GRIEF.
WE HAVE TO EVACUATE THE SCHOOL.
- AGHH!
- MR. WOODMAN,
WHERE ARE YOUR PANTS?
- I'M NOT SURE.
THEY WERE WITH
ME WHEN I CAME IN.
- YOU CANNOT LEAVE
THE BUILDING LIKE THAT.
- WELL, I CAN'T STAY
IN A BURNING BUILDING.
WHAT AM I GONNA DO?
- WAIT A SECOND, I HAVE AN IDEA.
- I CAN'T BELIEVE BEAU IS REALLY
GONNA GO THROUGH WITH THIS.
- EITHER HE'S CRAZY OR
HE'S GOT A LOT OF GUTS.
- I KNOW AND AS SOON AS
MR. WOODMAN FINDS OUT,
HIS GUTS ARE GONNA BE
ALL OVER THIS SCHOOLYARD.
- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
I CALLED YOU HERE TODAY
TO PAY TRIBUTE TO OUR PRINCIPAL,
A MAN WHOSE TIRELESS
WORK NEVER SLACKS.
WHOSE UNEQUAL LEADERSHIP
PROVES THAT HE WEARS
THE PANTS IN THIS SCHOOL
AND I'M NOT JUST
PULLING YOUR LEG.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I
GIVE YOU OUR PRINCIPAL,
MICHAEL J. WOODMAN.
- HIP HIP HOORAY!
HIP HIP HOORAY!
- ALL RIGHT, YOU ANIMALS.
WHAT EXACTLY IS
THE MEANING OF THIS?
- WHY, MR. WOODMAN,
YOU'VE GOT LEGS.
- C'MON, YOU WEASELS.
I WANT TO KNOW WHO'S
RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS?
EPSTEIN?
- YES, MA'AM... SIR?
YES, SIR? YES, SIR?
- WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS?
- I DUNNO. LOOKS LIKE
SOMEBODY STOLE YOUR BAGPIPES.
- HORSHACK!
- WELL, IT'S A VERY
NICE COLOR ON YOU.
BUT I THINK YOU'D DO
BETTER IN BASIC BLACK.
- MR. WOODMAN, DON'T
WORRY, YOU KNOW,
WE'LL GET YOUR
PANTS DOWN FOR YOU
BECAUSE YOU AIN'T
IN NO CONDITION
TO CLIMB UP THERE
AND GET 'EM YOURSELF.
- MR. WOODMAN, I'M
RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS.
I PULLED THE ALARM AND I RAN
YOUR TROUSERS UP THE POLE.
THE GUYS HAD
NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.
- DE LABARRE, I AM
SHOCKED AND APPALLED.
I NEVER THOUGHT YOU
WOULD STOOP SO LOW
AS TO TAKE THE BLAME
FOR THESE LITTLE PACKRATS.
- BUT MR. WOODMAN...
- IT'S ALL RIGHT,
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
I KNOW THEY PUT YOU UP TO IT.
DON'T WORRY, THEIR
TROUBLE-MAKING DAYS
IN THIS SCHOOL ARE OVER.
- BUT MR. WOODMAN,
I DID IT MYSELF.
- FORGET IT, SON. FORGET IT.
DON'T BE NOBLE.
GET TO MY OFFICE IMMEDIATELY.
REST OF YOU, BACK
TO YOUR CLASSES.
GET MOVING NOW!
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?
DIDN'T YOU EVER SEE A
MAN WITH A SKIRT BEFORE?
DON'T YOU REMEMBER UNCLE MILTIE?
- WELL, BOY, YOU COME UP
SMELLING LIKE A ROSE AGAIN.
- YEAH.
- C'MON, GUYS.
- AND WE JUST COME UP SMELLING.
- GUYS, LOOK, I DIDN'T MEAN
TO GET YOU IN TROUBLE.
YOU KNOW I DIDN'T MEAN THAT.
- YOU KNOW, IF I
REMEMBER CORRECTLY,
THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT
BONNIE SAID TO CLYDE.
- C'MON.
- LEAVE IT, MAN.
- NEVER, AND I REPEAT
NEVER, IN ALL MY YEARS
AS A TEACHER AND ADMINISTRATOR
HAVE I WITNESSED SUCH
A DISGUSTING DISPLAY.
- WELL, DON'T BLAME
US, MR. WOODMAN.
THEY'RE YOUR LEGS.
- FREDDIE, WILL YOU QUIT IT?
I THINK YOUR LEGS ARE VERY CUTE.
- WE WAS FRAMED,
FREDDIE, WE WAS FRAMED.
- I KNOW. I THINK THE
SOUTHERN-FRIED PHONY
PUT THE SCREWS TO US AGAIN.
- THAT'S ENOUGH.
NOT ANOTHER WORD.
YOU'VE HAD YOUR
LAUGHS FOR THE DAY.
NOW IT'S MY TURN.
YOU REALIZE WHEN YOU
SET OFF A FALSE ALARM
THAT SOME STUDENTS
COULD BE INJURED?
HERE, HERE, ONE WEEK'S
DETENTION FOR EACH ONE OF YOU.
AND THAT'S JUST THE BEGINNING.
WHEN I'M THROUGH WITH YOU,
YOU'LL KNOW THE MEANING OF PAIN,
TORMENT AND SUFFERING.
- MR. WOODMAN.
- NOT NOW, DE LABARRE,
I'M GETTING MY JOLLIES.
- LOOK, I INSIST THAT I BE HEARD
SO JUST SIT DOWN AND CLAM UP.
- NOW IN THE WORDS OF MY GOOD
FRIEND, FREDDIE WASHINGTON,
"CHECK IT OUT."
THAT PRANK THAT WAS
PULLED THIS AFTERNOON
REQUIRED IMAGINATION,
EXPERT TIMING
AND, ABOVE ALL, BRAINS.
NOW LOOK AT THOSE FACES.
YOU THINK THERE'S A
BRAIN IN THOSE HEADS?
- WELL, NOW THAT YOU MENTION IT.
- TO BE SUCCESSFUL, THIS
SCHEME HAD TO BE PULLED OFF
BY SOMEONE YOU'D LEAST SUSPECT,
SOMEONE WHO IN YOUR VERY WORDS
IS A "MODEL STUDENT AND CITIZEN,
COURTEOUS, RESPECTFUL, WELL
MANNERED AND TRUSTWORTHY."
- THRIFTY.
- BRAVE.
- AND, LEST WE FORGET, KIND.
- AND THAT SOMEONE IS THAT
LITTLE OLD PANTS WAVER, ME.
- YOU READ YOUR STUDENT FILE?
- YEAH, WELL, IT WAS
ALL MRS. KOTTER ASKING...
- YOU READ YOUR STUDENT FILE?
- WELL, SINCE YOU PUT
IT THAT WAY, I SUPPOSE I...
- CONTRARY TO WHAT YOU
MAY THINK, DE LABARRE,
THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIME
MY PANTS HAVE BEEN
RUN UP THE FLAGPOLE.
THAT I COULD FORGIVE.
- NOW HE TELLS US.
- BUT NEVER EVER IN THE HISTORY
OF BUCHANAN HIGH SCHOOL
HAS A STUDENT
DARED, DARED TO ENTER
THE HALLOWED SANCTITY
OF THE STUDENT FILES.
- HOW ABOUT THAT?
- AND THEN TO TOP IT
OFF, THIS LITTLE STUNT
WITH THE FIRE ALARM,
WHERE YOU COULD HAVE TAKEN
THE FIRE DEPARTMENT AWAY
FROM A REAL EMERGENCY.
EXPULSION IS TOO GOOD
FOR YOU, DE LABARRE.
OH, NO, I'M GONNA KEEP
YOU HERE AT BUCHANAN,
UNTIL YOU GET MORE
THAN YOU BARGAINED FOR.
YOU'RE GONNA DO ALL
THREE WEEKS' DETENTION.
THAT'S JUST FOR OPENERS.
AND TO THINK THAT I TRUSTED YOU.
I TOOK YOU UNDER MY WING.
I THOUGHT OF YOU AS A SON.
FROM NOW ON, I'M TREATING YOU
JUST LIKE ANOTHER
ONE OF THESE WOMBATS.
- HEY, THAT'S OKAY WITH ME.
- HOW ABOUT THE
REST OF YOU WOMBATS?
- OKAY WITH ME, YEAH.
- YOU'LL SEE JUST
HOW TOUGH I CAN GET.
BE A LONG TIME BEFORE
YOU PULL ANOTHER PRANK
ON MICHAEL J. WOODMAN.
- ALL RIGHT!
- JUAN.
- HI, GUYS.
- HEY, BEAU.
- HEY, BEAU.
- HEY, REMBRANDT.
YOU'RE STILL AT IT, HUH?
- HEY, AS SOON AS
I GET DONE HERE,
I'M THROUGH WITH MY DETENTION.
- BUT YOU'VE BEEN SERVING TIME
FOR OVER THREE WEEKS AS IT IS.
- YEAH, DOING HARD LABOR.
LAST WEEK, MR. WOODMAN MADE
HIM MOW THE FOOTBALL FIELD.
- WHAT'S SO HARD ABOUT THAT?
- IT WAS DURING THE GAME.
- WELL, LOOK, BEAU, WE'LL
JUST HANG OUT OVER HERE
AND, WHEN YOU'RE DONE,
WE'LL GO TO THE PIZZA
PARLOR TO CELEBRATE.
- UH, I WISH YOU
WOULDN'T DO THAT.
- AH, C'MON, BEAU, MAN,
WHAT ARE FRIENDS FOR, HUH?
- YOU ARE MY BEST FRIENDS.
- ALL THE WAY.
- YOU ARE MY
FRIENDS, AREN'T YOU?
- UNTIL THE END, YEAH.
- THAT'S GOOD.
'CAUSE I JUST PAINTED THE BENCH.
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED ♪
♪ SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS
HAVE REMAINED ♪
♪ AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT ♪
♪ 'CAUSE WE'VE GOT
HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME
BACK WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WE ALWAYS COULD
SPOT A FRIEND ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ AND I SMILE WHEN I THINK
HOW IT MUST HAVE BEEN ♪
♪ AND I KNOW WHAT A
SCENE YOU WERE TURNING IN ♪
♪ WAS THERE SOMETHING THAT
MADE YOU COME BACK AGAIN ♪
♪ WHAT COULD EVER LEAD YA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT ♪
♪ 'CAUSE WE'VE GOT
HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME
BACK WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK... ♪
"WOODMAN IS A TEST TUBE BABY."
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I THINK HE LOOKS MORE
LIKE A MASON JAR BABY.
- LABARRE.
WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT?
- WHAT AM I LAUGHING AT?
UH, I'M LAUGHING THAT
SOMEBODY COULD BE SO FOOLISH
AS TO WRITE SOMETHING LIKE THAT
ABOUT SUCH A FINE MAN.
- THANK YOU, DE LABARRE.
- YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO?
I'M GONNA GET SOME PAINT
AND COVER UP THAT FILTH.
- THANK YOU, MY BOY.
- THAT'S ONLY THE BEGINNING.
SEE, WHEN I GET DONE THERE,
I'M GOING OVER THE
BOYS' RESTROOM
AND COVER UP ALL THE
DISPARAGING REMARKS
ABOUT YOU IN THERE TOO.
'COURSE, IT MAY TAKE
SEVERAL GALLONS OF PAINT.
- THAT'S SPLENDID, MY BOY.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, AFTER
YOU'VE FINISHED THAT,
YOU COME TO MY OFFICE,
I'LL GIVE YOU THE KEY,
DO THE SAME THING IN
THE FACULTY MEN'S ROOM.
- HELLO, MR. WOODMAN.
- OH, THAT'S EASY
FOR YOU TO SAY.
- OH, WELL, SOMEBODY WOKE UP
ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE BED.
- I HAVEN'T BEEN TO
BED IN TWO NIGHTS.
NIGHT BEFORE LAST I HAD TO
TAKE MR. HICKS OUT TO DINNER.
- YOU MEAN THE MR. HICKS
THAT'S RETIRING FROM
THE SCHOOL BOARD?
- HM. DIDN'T GET HOME
'TIL AFTER MIDNIGHT.
THOUGHT HE WOULD
NEVER PICK UP THE CHECK.
THEN WHEN I DID GET HOME,
THE REFRIGERATOR
WAS ON THE BLINK
SO I HAD TO STAY UP
AND EAT THE DOGGY BAG.
- NAH, COULDN'T
LET IT GO TO WASTE.
- AND THAT WEIRDO
HICKS, YOU KNOW,
HE ORDERS HIS STEAKS BLOOD RARE.
I COULD HARDLY GET
HIS LEFTOVERS DOWN.
AND THEN I HAD TO
STAY UP ALL LAST NIGHT
WITH THESE FULL STUDENT
EVALUATION REPORTS.
- HERE, WHY DON'T YOU
JUST GIVE THESE TO ME.
YOU GO INTO YOUR
OFFICE AND SIT DOWN
AND I WILL LOOK THEM
OVER AND THEN PUT THEM
IN THE STUDENT FILES, OKAY?
- THANKS, JULIE.
HOLD ALL MY CALLS, WILL YOU?
- YUP.
- GO AND TRY TO GET 40 WINKS.
CAN'T FACE THE WORLD
WITHOUT MY BEAUTY SLEEP.
- AND VICE VERSA.
HI, ARNOLD. WHAT
CAN I DO FOR YOU?
- WELL, I JUST STOPPED
BY TO SEE IF THE SUPPLIES
FOR THE SCHOOL STORE
HAVE COME IN YET?
OH... JUST A SECOND, ARNOLD.
HELLO? YEAH.
OH, GREAT, THANKS.
YEAH, I'LL BE RIGHT DOWN.
OKAY, THANKS A LOT. BYE, BYE.
ARNOLD, LOOK.
MISS VATELLI IN HOME EC,
SHE HEMMED THIS SKIRT FOR ME
AND I HAVE TO GO
DOWNSTAIRS AND TRY IT ON.
- OH, THAT MISS VATELLI,
SHE'S GREAT AT HEMMING.
ALSO HAWING.
- LOOK, ARNOLD, WILL
YOU DO ME A BIG FAVOR
AND MAN THE PHONES
FOR ME WHILE I'M GONE?
- OH, SURE, YOU JUST RUN ALONG.
- OKAY, THANKS, ARNOLD.
- AND DON'T YOU WORRY
YOUR PRETTY LITTLE HEAD.
I WILL RUN THIS OFFICE
WITH THE SAME EFFICIENCY
AND COURTESY THAT
YOU YOURSELF WOULD.
BYE.
YEE-HAW!
IT'S YOUR DIME, SPILL IT.
OH, HI, MRS. MINOTTI.
OH, HAROLD ISN'T
GONNA BE IN TODAY?
HE'S GONNA BE LATE?
WE'LL NEVER MISS HIM.
I LOVE POWER.
- WELL, WELL, MRS. KOTTER.
YOU'VE DONE SOMETHING
DIFFERENT WITH YOUR HAIR.
- YEAH, BUT SHE PUT
IT ON THE WRONG HEAD.
- THAT'S NOT FUNNY, BOYS.
MRS. KOTTER HAS STEPPED
AWAY MOMENTARILY
AND I AM THE NEW
CAPTAIN OF THE HELM.
- WHOA, ABANDON
SHIP, ABANDON SHIP.
- ARE YOU HERE ON
OFFICIAL BUSINESS
OR DID YOU JUST STOP BY TO
MAKE YOUR SOPHOMORIC REMARKS?
- WHADDYA MEAN,
SOPHOMORIC REMARKS?
C'MON, MAN, WE GAVE UP THOSE
KIND OF REMARKS YEARS AGO.
NOW WE'RE DOING
SENIOR MORIC REMARKS.
- YEAH, ACTUALLY WE CAME IN
SO I COULD CON MRS. KOTTER
OUT OF AN OFF-CAMPUS PASS.
- WELL, UNFORTUNATELY,
MRS. KOTTER IS NOT HERE
AND YOU WOULD BE
WASTING YOUR TIME
BECAUSE I, ARNOLD
"WILL-OF-IRON" HORSHACK,
CANNOT BE CONNED.
- WHAT A PITY.
WHAT A PITY.
YOU KNOW, I WAS THINKING
ABOUT TAKING ALL FOUR OF US
OUT TO LUNCH OVER
AT THE PIZZA PLAZA.
- FORTUNATELY, ARNOLD
"WILL-OF-IRON" HORSHACK
CAN BE BRIBED.
- LET'S CIRCUMNAVIGATE
THOSE PASSES
SO WE CAN GET OVER
THERE TO THE PIZZA PARLOR.
- OOH, YEAH. BOY, I CAN
TASTE THEM ANCHOVIES
NOW, NOW, NOW.
- LATE PASSES, PARTY PASSES,
ABSENTEE EXCUSES.
MAYBE THE OFF-CAMPUS
PASSES ARE OFF-CAMPUS.
- HEY, WHAT'S THIS?
STUDENT EVALUATION REPORTS,
MICHAEL J. WOODMAN, PRINCIPAL.
- OH, DON'T READ THAT, BEAU.
PUT THOSE DOWN. YOU
CANNOT READ THESE.
NO STUDENT CAN EVER READ THE
STUDENT EVALUATION REPORTS,
NEVER, NEVER, NEVER.
- HEY, YOU KNOW,
THAT'S TRUE, MAN.
IF WE GOT CAUGHT
LOOKING AT THESE,
WE CAN GET INTO
MAJOR LEAGUE TROUBLE.
- THAT'S RIGHT. THE LAST
GUY WHO GOT CAUGHT
LOOKING AT THIS, IS
STILL CLAPPING ERASERS.
AND HE GRADUATED 8 YEARS AGO.
- OH, GIVE ME THAT BACK.
- ARE THEY REALLY
THAT IMPORTANT?
- YES, THEY ARE.
- LET'S CHECK 'EM OUT.
- WELL, THEN, WHAT
ARE WE WAITING FOR?
- BEAU, YOU REALLY
SHOULDN'T DO THIS.
BEAU, THIS IS NOT A
RIGHT THING TO DO.
BEAU, YOU SHOULDN'T DO THIS.
YOU COULD GET IN A
LOT OF TROUBLE, BEAU,
YOU CAN'T DO THIS KIND OF THING.
- HORSHACK!
- THANK YOU.
- YOU'RE WELCOME.
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED ♪
♪ SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS
HAVE REMAINED ♪
♪ AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT ♪
♪ 'CAUSE WE'VE GOT
HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME
BACK WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT ♪
♪ 'CAUSE WE'VE GOT
HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME
BACK WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME
BACK WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME
BACK WELCOME BACK ♪
- I DON'T BELIEVE THIS, MAN.
I DON'T BELIEVE WHAT THEY
GOT IN THIS THING HERE.
LISTEN TO THIS, MAN.
CHECK OUT WHAT
MR. WOODMAN WROTE ABOUT ME.
"WASHINGTON IS CAPABLE
OF BEING A GOOD STUDENT.
HE SPENDS THE MAJORITY OF HIS
TIME ON THE BASKETBALL COURT.
HIS PER POINT
GAME AVERAGE IS 28."
- WELL, THAT'S NOT SO BAD.
- "AND SO IS HIS IQ."
- WELL, LISTEN TO WHAT
MR. WOODMAN HAS TO SAY
ABOUT THE KID HERE,
ARE YOU READY?
"JUAN EPSTEIN HAS NOT LIVED
UP TO HIS FULL POTENTIAL.
BUT WHEN HE DOES, IT
WILL BE A FEDERAL MATTER
AND OUT OF MY HANDS."
- I DO NOT BELIEVE
WHAT I AM READING HERE.
IT SAYS THAT I TEND
TO BE CHILDISH.
- HEY, C'MON, GUYS, THERE'S
NO NEED TO BE UPSET.
THESE THINGS DON'T
MEAN ANYTHING.
- OH, YEAH? WELL,
WHAT DID OLD WOODFACE
HAVE TO SAY ABOUT YOU IN THERE?
- YEAH, WHAT DID HE SAY?
- YEAH, WELL, WHAT
DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?
LET'S JUST GO HAVE SOME LUNCH.
- YOU LOOK UPSET, MAN.
HEY, MR. WOODMAN MUST HAVE
REALLY NAILED YOU TO THE WALL.
LET'S JUST SEE IT.
- LET'S JUST FORGET IT
AND GO GRAB SOME LUNCH.
YOUR FILE.
- LET'S SEE WHAT IT SAYS.
- LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT IT, HUH?
NOW LOOK IT, BEAU BUDDY,
IF YOU FEEL LIKE CRYING,
YOU GO RIGHT AHEAD 'CAUSE
YOU'RE AMONGST FRIENDS.
- YEAH.
- BE A MAN.
- SAYS HERE, "YOU'RE
A MODEL STUDENT
AND CITIZEN,
COURTEOUS, RESPECTFUL,
WELL MANNERED AND TRUSTWORTHY."
- WOW, ALL WE NEED IS
"THRIFTY, BRAVE AND KIND"
AND YOU COULD BE A BOY SCOUT.
- I AIN'T FINISHED.
"THRIFTY, BRAVE AND KIND.
THE ONLY FAULT I FIND
WITH BEAU DE LABARRE
IS THE MOTLEY BUNCH OF PUNKS
HE INSISTS ON
RUNNING AROUND WITH."
- HEY, THAT SOUNDS LIKE US.
- HEY, COME ON, GUYS.
THESE REPORTS
DON'T MEAN ANYTHING.
- I THINK THEY DO.
I THINK THAT THEY MEAN
THAT YOU'VE BEEN DOING
SOME APPLE-POLISHING ABOVE
AND BEYOND THE CALL OF DUTY.
- HEY, YOU KNOW
WHAT I THINK, MAN?
I THINK THAT WHILE BEAU
WAS TALKING HIMSELF UP
TO MR. WOODMAN, HE
BEEN TALKING US DOWN.
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, MAN.
FROM NOW ON, YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN.
- HEY, C'MON, I DIDN'T HAVE
ANYTHING TO DO WITH THIS.
GIVE ME A BREAK.
- SURE.
WHICH LEG?
- C'MON, GUYS.
ARNOLD?
- IN THE WORDS OF THE
CHILDISH ARNOLD HORSHACK,
LIAR, LIAR, PANTS ON FIRE.
- HI, BEAU.
- HI, MRS. KOTTER.
- BEAU, WHY ARE YOU EATING
HERE ALL BY YOURSELF?
DON'T YOU USUALLY EAT IN THE
SCHOOLYARD WITH THE GUYS?
- YEAH, THE GUYS DO. I DON'T.
- OKAY, WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
- LOOK, I CONNED
MR. WOODMAN INTO THINKING
I'M SUCH A GREAT GUY.
NOW MY BUDDIES
THINK I'M A GREAT JERK.
- WELL, WHY DO YOU FEEL
LIKE YOU HAVE TO CON PEOPLE
INTO THINGS ALL
THE TIME, ANYWAY?
- I DUNNO. I CAN'T HELP MYSELF.
YOU KNOW, WHEN
YOU'VE BEEN IN AND OUT
OF AS MANY SCHOOLS AS I HAVE,
CONNING PEOPLE INTO LIKING
YOU BECOMES SECOND NATURE.
- YOU KNOW, BEAU, PEOPLE
WOULD LIKE YOU A LOT MORE
IF YOU WOULD JUST BE YOURSELF.
- I DON'T THINK I KNOW
WHO "MYSELF" IS ANYMORE.
- BEAU, YOU ARE A
REAL LIKEABLE GUY.
YOU'VE GOT A GREAT
SENSE OF HUMOR.
I MEAN, ALL THOSE
STORIES ABOUT GROWING UP
ON THE PLANTATION ARE WONDERFUL.
AND HOW YOUR DADDY ALWAYS
USED TO SAY THINGS IN THREES.
THAT'S ALL REAL FUNNY STUFF.
- MRS. KOTTER, MY DADDY
NEVER TOLD ME ANYTHING.
I HARDLY EVEN KNEW
WHO MY DADDY WAS.
I WAS SHUFFLED FROM
RELATIVE TO RELATIVE.
AND THE CLOSEST THING I
EVER GOT TO A PLANTATION
WAS SNEAKING INTO THE THEATER
TO WATCH "GONE WITH THE WIND."
- I KNOW THAT.
- YOU KNEW THAT?
- OF COURSE I DID.
I COULD SEE THROUGH
THAT PHONY ACT OF YOURS
FROM THE FIRST DAY YOU GOT HERE.
- YAH, BUT YOU'RE OLD AND WISE.
- YOU ARE A CHARMER.
- YEAH, WELL, I DIDN'T CHARM
ANYBODY THIS MORNING.
- YOU KNOW WHAT?
WHY DON'T YOU JUST
GIVE THE GUYS A CHANCE?
WHY DON'T YOU GIVE
YOURSELF A CHANCE?
YOU KNOW, MAYBE EVEN
MR. WOODMAN COULD HELP YOU.
- WOODMAN?
YOU'RE A GENIUS, MRS. KOTTER.
YOU KNOW, MR. WOODMAN
GOT ME INTO THIS MESS.
I THINK MR. WOODMAN'S JUST
GONNA HAVE TO GET ME OUT.
THANK YOU, DEAR LADY.
I WONDER, JULIE KOTTER,
STUDENT COUNSELOR.
- MR. WOODMAN?
- OH. AH, DE LABARRE, MY BOY.
- HOPE YOU WEREN'T
SLEEPING, MR. WOODMAN.
- ME? SLEEPING?
NONSENSE, I WAS JUST
CHECKING THE DESK
FOR IMPERFECTIONS IN THE VENEER.
- YEAH, WHEN I
HEARD YOU STAYED UP
ALL LATE LAST NIGHT WORKING,
I FIGURED THE LEAST I COULD DO
WAS BRING YOU A NICE
STRONG CUP OF COFFEE.
HELP YOU THROUGH THE DAY.
- AH, THAT'S VERY THOUGHTFUL.
THANK YOU, MY BOY.
- YOU'RE WELCOME.
OH, OH, OH, OH!
LISTEN, WHY DON'T YOU JUST
SLIP OFF THOSE TROUSERS,
I'LL TAKE 'EM DOWN TO HOME EC
AND HAVE THE STAIN REMOVED?
- OH, FORGET IT. IT'S
TOO MUCH TROUBLE.
- OH, MR. WOODMAN, A
MAN OF YOUR STANDING
CANNOT BE SEEN AROUND
SCHOOL WITH STAINED TROUSERS.
- WELL, ALL RIGHT,
IF YOU SAY SO.
WHERE ARE YOUR MANNERS?
TURN YOUR HEAD, DE LABARRE.
- HEY!
- LISTEN, WHY DON'T
YOU JUST SIT TIGHT?
IN FACT, WHY DON'T YOU
JUST TAKE A LITTLE NAP?
- AHH.
- YOU KNOW, BY THE
TIME YOU WAKE UP,
I'LL HAVE THESE
BACK GOOD AS NEW.
- ALL RIGHT.
- WELL, WELL, WELL.
IF IT ISN'T MR. WOODMAN'S
LITTLE ANGEL.
- YOU THINK I'M A WOODMAN'S BOY?
WELL, I'VE GOT HIS
PANTS RIGHT HERE.
WHADDYA THINK ABOUT THAT?
- ISN'T THAT CUTE?
NOW THEY'RE STARTING
TO DRESS ALIKE.
- FOR YOUR INFORMATION, I'M
ABOUT TO TAKE THESE TROUSERS
AND RUN 'EM UP THE FLAGPOLE.
- WELL, WHADDYA
WAITING FOR? GO ON, DO IT.
- JUST AS SOON AS I
DO ONE MORE THING?
- OH, YEAH, WHAT?
- THIS.
C'MON.
- LET'S GET OUTTA HERE.
- WOODMAN HERE.
- MR. WOODMAN, DID
YOU CALL A FIRE DRILL?
- NO, WHY?
- WELL, THEN THE
SCHOOL'S ON FIRE
BECAUSE THE FIRE
BELL'S GOING OFF.
- OH, GOOD GRIEF.
WE HAVE TO EVACUATE THE SCHOOL.
- AGHH!
- MR. WOODMAN,
WHERE ARE YOUR PANTS?
- I'M NOT SURE.
THEY WERE WITH
ME WHEN I CAME IN.
- YOU CANNOT LEAVE
THE BUILDING LIKE THAT.
- WELL, I CAN'T STAY
IN A BURNING BUILDING.
WHAT AM I GONNA DO?
- WAIT A SECOND, I HAVE AN IDEA.
- I CAN'T BELIEVE BEAU IS REALLY
GONNA GO THROUGH WITH THIS.
- EITHER HE'S CRAZY OR
HE'S GOT A LOT OF GUTS.
- I KNOW AND AS SOON AS
MR. WOODMAN FINDS OUT,
HIS GUTS ARE GONNA BE
ALL OVER THIS SCHOOLYARD.
- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
I CALLED YOU HERE TODAY
TO PAY TRIBUTE TO OUR PRINCIPAL,
A MAN WHOSE TIRELESS
WORK NEVER SLACKS.
WHOSE UNEQUAL LEADERSHIP
PROVES THAT HE WEARS
THE PANTS IN THIS SCHOOL
AND I'M NOT JUST
PULLING YOUR LEG.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I
GIVE YOU OUR PRINCIPAL,
MICHAEL J. WOODMAN.
- HIP HIP HOORAY!
HIP HIP HOORAY!
- ALL RIGHT, YOU ANIMALS.
WHAT EXACTLY IS
THE MEANING OF THIS?
- WHY, MR. WOODMAN,
YOU'VE GOT LEGS.
- C'MON, YOU WEASELS.
I WANT TO KNOW WHO'S
RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS?
EPSTEIN?
- YES, MA'AM... SIR?
YES, SIR? YES, SIR?
- WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS?
- I DUNNO. LOOKS LIKE
SOMEBODY STOLE YOUR BAGPIPES.
- HORSHACK!
- WELL, IT'S A VERY
NICE COLOR ON YOU.
BUT I THINK YOU'D DO
BETTER IN BASIC BLACK.
- MR. WOODMAN, DON'T
WORRY, YOU KNOW,
WE'LL GET YOUR
PANTS DOWN FOR YOU
BECAUSE YOU AIN'T
IN NO CONDITION
TO CLIMB UP THERE
AND GET 'EM YOURSELF.
- MR. WOODMAN, I'M
RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS.
I PULLED THE ALARM AND I RAN
YOUR TROUSERS UP THE POLE.
THE GUYS HAD
NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.
- DE LABARRE, I AM
SHOCKED AND APPALLED.
I NEVER THOUGHT YOU
WOULD STOOP SO LOW
AS TO TAKE THE BLAME
FOR THESE LITTLE PACKRATS.
- BUT MR. WOODMAN...
- IT'S ALL RIGHT,
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
I KNOW THEY PUT YOU UP TO IT.
DON'T WORRY, THEIR
TROUBLE-MAKING DAYS
IN THIS SCHOOL ARE OVER.
- BUT MR. WOODMAN,
I DID IT MYSELF.
- FORGET IT, SON. FORGET IT.
DON'T BE NOBLE.
GET TO MY OFFICE IMMEDIATELY.
REST OF YOU, BACK
TO YOUR CLASSES.
GET MOVING NOW!
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?
DIDN'T YOU EVER SEE A
MAN WITH A SKIRT BEFORE?
DON'T YOU REMEMBER UNCLE MILTIE?
- WELL, BOY, YOU COME UP
SMELLING LIKE A ROSE AGAIN.
- YEAH.
- C'MON, GUYS.
- AND WE JUST COME UP SMELLING.
- GUYS, LOOK, I DIDN'T MEAN
TO GET YOU IN TROUBLE.
YOU KNOW I DIDN'T MEAN THAT.
- YOU KNOW, IF I
REMEMBER CORRECTLY,
THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT
BONNIE SAID TO CLYDE.
- C'MON.
- LEAVE IT, MAN.
- NEVER, AND I REPEAT
NEVER, IN ALL MY YEARS
AS A TEACHER AND ADMINISTRATOR
HAVE I WITNESSED SUCH
A DISGUSTING DISPLAY.
- WELL, DON'T BLAME
US, MR. WOODMAN.
THEY'RE YOUR LEGS.
- FREDDIE, WILL YOU QUIT IT?
I THINK YOUR LEGS ARE VERY CUTE.
- WE WAS FRAMED,
FREDDIE, WE WAS FRAMED.
- I KNOW. I THINK THE
SOUTHERN-FRIED PHONY
PUT THE SCREWS TO US AGAIN.
- THAT'S ENOUGH.
NOT ANOTHER WORD.
YOU'VE HAD YOUR
LAUGHS FOR THE DAY.
NOW IT'S MY TURN.
YOU REALIZE WHEN YOU
SET OFF A FALSE ALARM
THAT SOME STUDENTS
COULD BE INJURED?
HERE, HERE, ONE WEEK'S
DETENTION FOR EACH ONE OF YOU.
AND THAT'S JUST THE BEGINNING.
WHEN I'M THROUGH WITH YOU,
YOU'LL KNOW THE MEANING OF PAIN,
TORMENT AND SUFFERING.
- MR. WOODMAN.
- NOT NOW, DE LABARRE,
I'M GETTING MY JOLLIES.
- LOOK, I INSIST THAT I BE HEARD
SO JUST SIT DOWN AND CLAM UP.
- NOW IN THE WORDS OF MY GOOD
FRIEND, FREDDIE WASHINGTON,
"CHECK IT OUT."
THAT PRANK THAT WAS
PULLED THIS AFTERNOON
REQUIRED IMAGINATION,
EXPERT TIMING
AND, ABOVE ALL, BRAINS.
NOW LOOK AT THOSE FACES.
YOU THINK THERE'S A
BRAIN IN THOSE HEADS?
- WELL, NOW THAT YOU MENTION IT.
- TO BE SUCCESSFUL, THIS
SCHEME HAD TO BE PULLED OFF
BY SOMEONE YOU'D LEAST SUSPECT,
SOMEONE WHO IN YOUR VERY WORDS
IS A "MODEL STUDENT AND CITIZEN,
COURTEOUS, RESPECTFUL, WELL
MANNERED AND TRUSTWORTHY."
- THRIFTY.
- BRAVE.
- AND, LEST WE FORGET, KIND.
- AND THAT SOMEONE IS THAT
LITTLE OLD PANTS WAVER, ME.
- YOU READ YOUR STUDENT FILE?
- YEAH, WELL, IT WAS
ALL MRS. KOTTER ASKING...
- YOU READ YOUR STUDENT FILE?
- WELL, SINCE YOU PUT
IT THAT WAY, I SUPPOSE I...
- CONTRARY TO WHAT YOU
MAY THINK, DE LABARRE,
THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIME
MY PANTS HAVE BEEN
RUN UP THE FLAGPOLE.
THAT I COULD FORGIVE.
- NOW HE TELLS US.
- BUT NEVER EVER IN THE HISTORY
OF BUCHANAN HIGH SCHOOL
HAS A STUDENT
DARED, DARED TO ENTER
THE HALLOWED SANCTITY
OF THE STUDENT FILES.
- HOW ABOUT THAT?
- AND THEN TO TOP IT
OFF, THIS LITTLE STUNT
WITH THE FIRE ALARM,
WHERE YOU COULD HAVE TAKEN
THE FIRE DEPARTMENT AWAY
FROM A REAL EMERGENCY.
EXPULSION IS TOO GOOD
FOR YOU, DE LABARRE.
OH, NO, I'M GONNA KEEP
YOU HERE AT BUCHANAN,
UNTIL YOU GET MORE
THAN YOU BARGAINED FOR.
YOU'RE GONNA DO ALL
THREE WEEKS' DETENTION.
THAT'S JUST FOR OPENERS.
AND TO THINK THAT I TRUSTED YOU.
I TOOK YOU UNDER MY WING.
I THOUGHT OF YOU AS A SON.
FROM NOW ON, I'M TREATING YOU
JUST LIKE ANOTHER
ONE OF THESE WOMBATS.
- HEY, THAT'S OKAY WITH ME.
- HOW ABOUT THE
REST OF YOU WOMBATS?
- OKAY WITH ME, YEAH.
- YOU'LL SEE JUST
HOW TOUGH I CAN GET.
BE A LONG TIME BEFORE
YOU PULL ANOTHER PRANK
ON MICHAEL J. WOODMAN.
- ALL RIGHT!
- JUAN.
- HI, GUYS.
- HEY, BEAU.
- HEY, BEAU.
- HEY, REMBRANDT.
YOU'RE STILL AT IT, HUH?
- HEY, AS SOON AS
I GET DONE HERE,
I'M THROUGH WITH MY DETENTION.
- BUT YOU'VE BEEN SERVING TIME
FOR OVER THREE WEEKS AS IT IS.
- YEAH, DOING HARD LABOR.
LAST WEEK, MR. WOODMAN MADE
HIM MOW THE FOOTBALL FIELD.
- WHAT'S SO HARD ABOUT THAT?
- IT WAS DURING THE GAME.
- WELL, LOOK, BEAU, WE'LL
JUST HANG OUT OVER HERE
AND, WHEN YOU'RE DONE,
WE'LL GO TO THE PIZZA
PARLOR TO CELEBRATE.
- UH, I WISH YOU
WOULDN'T DO THAT.
- AH, C'MON, BEAU, MAN,
WHAT ARE FRIENDS FOR, HUH?
- YOU ARE MY BEST FRIENDS.
- ALL THE WAY.
- YOU ARE MY
FRIENDS, AREN'T YOU?
- UNTIL THE END, YEAH.
- THAT'S GOOD.
'CAUSE I JUST PAINTED THE BENCH.
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED ♪
♪ SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS
HAVE REMAINED ♪
♪ AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT ♪
♪ 'CAUSE WE'VE GOT
HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME
BACK WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WE ALWAYS COULD
SPOT A FRIEND ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ AND I SMILE WHEN I THINK
HOW IT MUST HAVE BEEN ♪
♪ AND I KNOW WHAT A
SCENE YOU WERE TURNING IN ♪
♪ WAS THERE SOMETHING THAT
MADE YOU COME BACK AGAIN ♪
♪ WHAT COULD EVER LEAD YA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT ♪
♪ 'CAUSE WE'VE GOT
HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME
BACK WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK... ♪