Welcome Back, Kotter (1975–1979): Season 4, Episode 21 - Oo, Oo, I Do: Part 2 - full transcript
- WHAT IS THIS?
- IT'S ARNOLD.
I THINK HE WAS OUT
WITH MARY JOHNSON
AGAIN LAST NIGHT.
HERE'S $15 FOR LAST NIGHT.
HEY, THAT'S NOT BAD CONSIDERING
WE STARTED SO LATE.
WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER HERE
FOR FOUR OR FIVE NIGHTS
IN A ROW NOW.
WE HAD A LOT TO GET DONE.
IT'S ALMOST AS IF WE
WAS GOING STEADY.
FOR YOUR INFORMATION
I'VE BEEN GOING STEADY
WITH YOU FOR SOME TIME NOW.
HOW COME I'M ALWAYS
THE LAST TO KNOW?
OH, ARNOLD, I LOVE YOU.
BUT WHY AM I BEING TRANSFERRED?
OH, YOUR MOTHER SAYS
YOUR NEW FATHER SWIFTY
WANTS YOU ALL TO
LIVE IN HIS MOTOR HOME
BEHIND THE CASINO.
YOU MEAN TO SAY THAT
ME, MY BROTHER, MY SISTERS
ARE ALL GONNA HAVE
TO LEAVE BROOKLYN?
ISN'T THAT WONDERFUL?
I CAN'T DO THAT.
I'M NOT GONNA LEAVE.
AND NAPOLEON DIED
ON THE SMALL ISLAND
OF ST. HELENA IN THE YEAR 1821.
DOES ANYBODY HAVE
ANY QUESTIONS FOR MARY
ON HER REPORT?
WAS NAPOLEON
HAPPY IN ST. HELENA?
HE WAS PROBABLY VERY UNHAPPY,
BECAUSE HE DIDN'T
WANT TO BE THERE.
MAYBE HE JUST DIDN'T
TRY HARD ENOUGH
TO STAY WHERE HE WANTED TO BE.
BUT HE MUST'VE KNOWN
THAT I DIDN'T WANT
HIM TO GO AWAY.
YOU GUYS GOT THE SAME
BOOK AS EVERYBODY ELSE DOES?
IT AIN'T IN MY BOOK.
WHAT WOULD NAPOLEON
DO IF HE DIDN'T GO
TO ATLANTIC CITY?
CERTAIN THINGS HAS TO
FIGURE OUT FOR HIMSELF.
I HAVE ONE LAST QUESTION
FOR YOU, MARY JOHNSON.
YES, YOUR HIGHNESS?
WILL YOU MARRY ME?
YES.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT!
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪♪
ANY SIGN OF HORSHACK YET?
NO, YOU KNOW MAN, I REALLY HOPE
THEY AREN'T CHICKENING
OUT TO COME TO HIS OWN
BACHELOR PARTY.
HERE HE COMES! HERE HE COMES!
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
COME ON, COME ON!
JUAN, YOU GET READY!
COME ON, GET READY!
- COME ON!
- COME ON, JUST GET IN.
GET INSIDE!
I GOT YOU.
ALL RIGHT.
WHAT IS THIS STUFF ANYWAY, MAN?
IMITATION WILD CHERRY SODA
WITH GARLIC AND OLIVE OIL.
IT WAS VINNIE'S SPAGHETTI PIE.
IT'S THE ONLY
THING I COULD FIND.
ANYBODY AT HOME?
COME ON, ARNOLD,
WE'RE HAVING YOUR
BACHELOR PARTY!
WHERE... WHERE'S
JUAN AND VINNIE?
JUAN WILL BE HERE IN A MINUTE
AND VINNIE CALLED, SAID
HE HAS TO WORK LATE.
YEAH, BUT FORGET
ABOUT THEM, ARNOLD,
'CAUSE TODAY IS YOUR
DAY, YOU GET A GOOD GRIP
ON THAT PUNCH, ALL RIGHT?
ARNOLD, HERE'S TO YOU!
MAY YOU DO BETTER
ON YOUR HONEYMOON
THAN YOU DID IN ALGEBRA!
UGH.
THIS CHERRY SODA'S GREAT.
IT NEEDS A LITTLE MORE GARLIC.
ANYWAY, ARNOLD, SOON
YOU'RE GONNA BE MARRIED,
SO THAT DOESN'T LEAVE
MUCH TIME TO HAVE SOME FUN.
OH YEAH, ARNOLD, YOU SEE, UM,
WE FIGURE THAT, UM,
THAT WE WAS GONNA
PROVIDE YOU WITH SOME
FEMALE COMPANIONSHIP
ON YOUR LAST DAYS OF FREEDOM,
SO WE TOOK THE
LIBERTY TO BORROW YOUR
LITTLE BLACK BOOK.
WE WERE GONNA CALL
UP A COUPLE OF YOUR
OLD GIRLFRIENDS.
THERE WERE ONLY
TWO NUMBERS IN THERE.
YEAH, MAN, ONE WAS
THUMB SUCKERS HOTLINE.
THE OTHER ONE WAS THE
EMERGENCY NIGHTLIGHT SERVICE.
OH, I GET IT!
THIS IS JUST LIKE A
ARNOLD HORSHACK ROAST.
I LOVE IT!
I DON'T KNOW IF WE'RE
GONNA ROAST YOU, ARNOLD,
BUT WE GOT SOMETHING
HERE THAT'S GONNA GET
YOUR BLOOD BOILING.
OOOH, YEAH BOY!
- I'M OKAY.
- WE GOT YOU.
OKAY, STAND BY WITH THAT MUSIC.
HERE, ARNOLD
HORSHACK, THE INCREDIBLE,
THE LOVELY, THE STUPENDOUS,
BOMBSHELL OF
BROOKLYN, MISS JUANITA.
♪
THIS IS SO FUNNY!
HOW DID YOU GUYS THINK THIS UP?
WE JUST THOUGHT WE'D
HAVE A FEW LAUGHS.
YOU KNOW, THIS IS THE
LAST TIME WE'RE GONNA
ALL BE BACHELORS
TOGETHER, YOU KNOW?
YEAH, YOU KNOW?
AFTER SIX MONTHS
OF MARRIAGE TO YOU,
I THINK MARY WILL
BE ON EASY STREET...
SCRUBBING BRICKS.
I CAN TAKE CARE OF MARY.
SURE, YOU CAN BUY HER A
NEW BUCKET EVERY MONTH.
LISTEN, MARY AND
I GOT BIG PLANS.
OH YEAH?
MY SISTER HAD BIG PLANS
WHEN SHE GOT MARRIED
IN HIGH SCHOOL.
IT WAS A GOOD THING
HER HUSBAND HAS A CAR,
'CAUSE NOW THEY'RE LIVING IN IT.
MARY AND I GOT A
NICE PLACE TO LIVE,
WE GOT A GOOD JOB,
AND MARY'S VERY GOOD
AROUND THE HOUSE.
YEAH, UH-HUH, BUT CAN SHE COOK?
YEAH, SURE.
YEAH, UH-HUH, BUT CAN SHE COOK
WITHOUT FOOD?
YEAH, WE'LL SEE HOW
GOOD SHE CAN COOK
WHEN SHE HAS TO
BOIL THE SAME CHICKEN
THREE DAYS IN A ROW.
HEY, COME HERE
JUAN, YOU BE THE CHICK.
COME HERE.
I'M YOU ARNOLD, RIGHT?
CHECK IT OUT.
HELLO MARY!
I'M HOME!
BRING ANY FOOD?
NO.
BUT I BROUGHT YOU MY HEART.
THROW IT IN THE POT, IT'S
THE CHICKEN'S DAY OFF.
SO YOU MEAN TO TELL
ME THAT JUAN REALLY
DRESSED UP LIKE A
GIRL AT ARNOLD'S PARTY?
YEAH, YOU SHOULD'VE SEEN HIM!
YEAH, YEAH, I MAKE A
REAL GOOD LOOKING GIRL.
YEAH, I DON'T DOUBT IT.
THREE SAILORS CAME TO OUR HOUSE
LOOKING FOR YOU LAST NIGHT.
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
OH, THE GUYS WERE JUST
TELLING US ABOUT ARNOLD'S
BACHELOR PARTY.
OH, I HOPE SOMEBODY TOLD
HIM WHAT A MISTAKE IT IS
GETTING MARRIED WHILE
HE'S STILL IN SCHOOL.
I'D TELL HIM, BUT
IN HIS CONDITION
IT'S LIKE TELLING BILLY CARTER
TO KEEP HIS MOUTH SHUT.
WHERE IS ARNOLD NOW?
HOME CRAMMING
FOR HIS BLOOD TEST?
HA-HA-HA-HA!
MR. WOODMAN, WHY
ARE YOU SO CRUEL?
AFTER ALL, THEY
SAID THEY'LL NAME
THEIR FIRST CHILD AFTER YOU.
WELL, I WOULDN'T MIND,
THAT KID'S GONNA BE FAMOUS.
THAT'LL BE THE FIRST HORSHACK
BORN IN CAPTIVITY.
HA-HA-HA-HA!
HE'S JUST JEALOUS,
I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
SEE YOU LATER.
WELL, GENTLEMEN, ARE
YOU GONNA COME INSIDE
AND JOIN ME OR DO YOU
EXPECT THE KNOWLEDGE
TO SEEP OUT UNDER THE DOOR?
NOT ME, IF I GO IN
BEFORE THE BELL RINGS,
I GET A NOSE BLEED.
HEY YO, MARY, MARY, MARY.
DID YOU HEAR ABOUT
THAT BACHELOR PARTY
THAT WE GAVE FOR ARNOLD?
ARNOLD'S GONE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE'S GONE?
- WE SAW HIM LAST NIGHT.
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
HE JUST LEFT.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT
HAPPENED TO HIM.
DID HE SAY ANYTHING
BEFORE HE SPLIT?
HE LEFT A NOTE.
BUT I DON'T
UNDERSTAND ANY OF IT.
"DEAR MARY.
I'LL BE BACK WHEN I
CAN TAKE CARE OF YOU.
I DON'T WANT... I DON'T
WANT YOU SCRUBBING BRICKS.
I DON'T WANT YOU
COOKING WITHOUT FOOD.
NO CHICKEN SHOULD BE
BOILED MORE THAN ONCE."
MARY, DID ARNOLD
LEAVE ANY KIND OF CLUES
AROUND AT ALL?
HEY LOOK, MARY, DO YOU
MIND IF WE CHECK AROUND...
I MEAN, IF WE LOOK AROUND
THE PLACE AND STUFF?
WE MIGHT FIND SOMETHING
THAT COULD BE A CLUE
TO HELP US FIND HIM.
YOU KNOW, A CASE LIKE
THIS, YOU NEVER CAN TELL.
MIGHT BE ABLE TO FIND A ROAD MAP
OR A BUS TICKET,
OR A SUICIDE NOTE.
SHHH.
HE COULDN'T HAVE GONE FAR,
HE ONLY HAD ABOUT 50 CENTS.
COME ON, MARY, LOOK.
IN MY DAY, I GO ALL THE
WAY TO CONEY ISLAND,
HAVE A REAL GOOD TIME
FOR LESS THAN 50 CENTS.
YEAH, BUT YOU WERE TRAVELING
WITH AN ORGAN GRINDER.
WE CAN STOP LOOKING.
CHECK IT OUT!
WHAT DO YA GOT, FREDDIE?
LOOK AT THIS, YOU SEE WHERE THIS
NEWSPAPER WAS
OPENED UP TO, RIGHT?
WELL, OBVIOUSLY ARNOLD
WAS GONNA CHECK OUT
ONE OF THESE ADS.
FREDDIE, I THINK YOU
PUT YOUR FINGER ON IT
RIGHT OVER THERE.
ARNOLD HORSHACK HAS
GONE AND JOINED THE MARINES.
EXCUSE ME.
I'M LOOKING FOR
A FRIEND OF MINE.
YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A
FRIEND OF YOURS, WHAT?
I'M LOOKING FOR A
FRIEND OF MINE, ARNOLD.
I'M LOOKING FOR A
FRIEND OF MINE, SIR!
OH, YOU TOO?
WELL, MAYBE WE CAN
JUST LOOK TOGETHER.
HEY MAN, WHAT'S HAPPENING,
WHAT'S HAPPENING?
IS THIS THE PLACE WHERE
YOU HIRING THEM PEOPLES
TO GO WORK IN ALASKA?
CAN'T YOU READ, KID?
SIGN SAYS "MEN WANTED."
I CAN SEE IT SAYS... WAIT
A MINUTE, JUST HOLD ON!
HEY, LOOK JUNIOR.
JUST COME BACK WHEN YOU GROW UP.
HEY LOOK, MAN, I'M
TALKING TO YOU BABY.
YOU THINK YOU BAD,
YOU GONNA SAY THAT
IN FRONT OF MY FACE.
YEAH, UM, I AIN'T LOOKING
FOR THE JOB FOR ME.
SEE, I WAS LOOKING FOR
A GOOD FRIEND OF MINE,
A REAL GOOD FRIEND OF MINE.
- A FRIEND OF YOURS?
- THAT'S RIGHT!
WELL, UH, WHY DON'T YOU CHECK
UNDER SOME OF THESE ROCKS.
YOUR MAMA LIVES UNDER
ONE OF THEM ROCKS.
AHH!
IT SAYS YOU'RE REALLY
GREAT AT FINDING
MISSING PEOPLE.
MY FRIEND, I AM THE
BEST IN THE WORLD.
OKAY, PLEASE, HAVE A SEAT.
YOU'LL FIND ANYBODY
ANYWHERE FOR $25?
YOU'RE REALLY THAT GOOD?
WOULD YOU LIKE TO
SEE A LIST OF THE PEOPLE
I HAVE FOUND?
WOULD IT MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER?
IT WOULD? BECAUSE I DON'T MIND.
NORMALLY, I WOULD NOT DO THIS,
FOR YOU, I DON'T...
I DON'T MIND.
WELL, IT'S AROUND HERE.
IT IS DEFINITELY AROUND HERE.
I WILL FIND IT LATER, ALL RIGHT?
NOW, WHO IS IT EXACTLY
THAT YOU ARE LOOKING FOR?
HIS NAME IS ARNOLD HORSHACK.
THIS IS IMPORTANT, I
MUST WRITE THIS DOWN.
ALL I NEED IS A PENCIL.
JUST A PENCIL TO
WRITE THIS DOWN,
AND WE'RE ON OUR WAY.
NOW, I DON'T HAVE
TO WRITE IT DOWN.
I HAVE A MIND LIKE A STEEL TRAP.
BUT FIRST, WHAT I MUST
DO IS CALL THE AIRPORTS,
THE BUS TERMINALS, AND SO ON.
NOW, I HAVE THESE NUMBERS
IN MY TELEPHONE BOOK.
I HAD IT HERE.
I SAW IT WHEN
I... DON'T HAVE IT.
I WILL CALL INFORMATION.
YOU WOULDN'T HAPPEN TO
HAVE A TELEPHONE ON YOU,
WOULD YOU?
I'M JOKING, I'M JOKING.
I KNEW FOR A SECOND THERE.
SOMETIMES I DO THESE
THINGS, I'M SORRY.
- I'M LEAVING.
- NO, PLEASE!
I HAVE A PHONE, I
REMEMBER, I GOT THE BILL.
I REMEMBER, SO I
KNOW I HAVE A PHONE.
AND IT IS AROUND HERE, SOME...
WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL.
LO AND BEHOLD.
HERE I FOUND THAT
LIST OF PEOPLE I WAS
TELLING YOU ABOUT.
NO, THIS IS NOT THE
LIST OF THOSE PEOPLE,
THIS IS THE LIST OF THE
PEOPLE THAT ARE COMING
TO MY BIRTHDAY
PARTY... LAST NIGHT.
LOOK, I CAN SEE YOU'RE
ALL UPSET AND EVERYTHING.
I'M GONNA GO AHEAD
AND GET GOING.
BUT FIRST, I INSIST,
FOR COMING HERE
AND YOUR TROUBLE, I
WANT YOU TO HAVE A CARD.
AND I WANT YOU TO FEEL FREE
TO CALL ME ANY TIME.
I THINK I'VE GOT YOUR NUMBER.
YOU DO?
WOULD YOU GIVE IT TO ME, PLEASE?
THANK YOU, THIS IS
VERY HANDY TO HAVE.
YOUNG MAN, YOUNG
MAN, I WANT TO THANK YOU
FOR COMING IN AND
SEEING ME TODAY.
WHENEVER YOU ARE
IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD,
9 TO 5 THE DOOR IS ALWAYS OPEN.
MAY I HELP YOU?
HEY LOOK, MARY, WE SORRY, MAN.
WE CHECKED EVERYWHERE
AND WE COULDN'T FIND...
AIN'T THAT RIGHT, Y'ALL?
DON'T WORRY, GUYS,
IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT.
- YES IT WAS.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
WE DID SOMETHING VERY ROTTEN.
WHAT?
REMEMBER WHEN WE
HAD THAT BACHELOR PARTY
AND EVERYTHING?
WELL, WE JUST KINDA
KIDDED ARNOLD ABOUT
HOW BAD MARRIAGE IS.
YEAH, YOU KNOW, WE
WERE JUST KIDDERS, MARY.
IT JUST ROLLS OFF
OUR BACKS, YOU KNOW?
YEAH, I KID EPSTEIN
ABOUT HIS LOCKER,
I KID FREDDIE ABOUT
HIS LOUSY BASKETBALL...
WE DO IT ALL THE TIME...
WILL YOU STOP IT AND
TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED?
LOOK MARY, UM, WE
FOUND OUT THAT THERE'S
SOME THINGS YOU JUST
DON'T KID ABOUT, YOU KNOW?
LIKE MARRIAGE.
OR FUNERALS, OR
EXECUTIONS, OR... LEPROSY.
SO THAT'S WHAT ARNOLD
WAS TALKING ABOUT
IN THAT NOTE?
THE JOKES YOU
WERE PLAYING ON HIM?
DIDN'T YOU REALIZE
THAT ARNOLD WAS
SENSITIVE ABOUT
ALL THESE THINGS?
MARY, WE JUST WEREN'T THINKING.
YEAH, SOMETIMES
WE'RE GOOD AT THAT.
HEY LOOK, MARY, WE DIDN'T WANNA
FOUL THINGS UP.
WE WAS GONNA THROW
YOU THE BIGGEST PARTY
THAT BROOKLYN'S EVER SEEN.
IS THIS WHERE THE
PAPER WAS OPEN TO
WHEN YOU FOUND IT?
YEAH, WE CHECKED
EVERY POSSIBLE LEAD.
BUT HOW ABOUT THIS PAGE?
OH MARY, THAT'S JUST
A BUNCH OF MOVIE ADS.
GO AHEAD WITH THE WEDDING PLANS.
I THINK I KNOW WHERE HE IS.
HIJACKINGS.
BANK ROBBERIES.
♪
KEEP CLEAR!
ARNOLD?
KEEP CLEAR!
ARNOLD?
- MARY!
- ARNOLD!
WILL YOU SHUT UP?
ARNOLD, WHY DID YOU RUN AWAY?
BECAUSE THE GUYS
WERE RIGHT. POPCORN?
IF I MARRIED YOU, YOU'D
BE SCRUBBING FLOORS
FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE TRYING
TO MAKE ENDS MEET.
THE GUYS WERE ONLY KIDDING YOU.
RIGHT NOW, THEY'RE
OUT PLANNING A BEAUTIFUL
WEDDING FOR US.
THEY REALLY?
THEY'RE THE BEST FRIENDS
ANYBODY COULD ASK FOR.
- YEAH, BUT I STILL THINK...
- SHHH!
I STILL CAN'T GIVE YOU ALL
THE THINGS YOU NEED, MARY.
DO YOU THINK I EXPECT
YOU TO GIVE ME THINGS?
WELL, SURE.
IF I'M YOUR HUSBAND, I'M
SUPPOSED TO PROVIDE FOR YOU.
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?
SIT OUT ON THE PORCH
AND COUNT BALD EAGLES?
WHAT?
ARNOLD, YOU'RE NOT
SUPPOSED TO GIVE ME ANYTHING.
WE'RE GONNA WORK
FOR EVERYTHING WE NEED.
TOGETHER.
NO, THE GUYS WERE RIGHT,
THIS MARRIAGE IS GONNA
BE A BIG MISTAKE.
I KNOW MRS. HORSHACK
CAN HANDLE ANY PROBLEMS
THAT COME ALONG.
HOW ABOUT MR. HORSHACK?
WELL, SURE.
AS LONG AS HE HAS MRS.
HORSHACK BY HIS SIDE.
HE WILL, ARNOLD.
♪
YOU KNOW SOMETHING?
YOU'RE TERRIFIC.
♪
HEY, MR. WOODMAN!
WHAT'S HAPPENIN'?! ALL RIGHT!
HEY, GOOD TO SEE YOU.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
WELL, I'VE NEVER SEEN A
SWEAT HOG GET MARRIED,
AND I LOVE FREAK SHOWS.
HEY, MRS. KOTTER! ALL RIGHT!
HEY YOU, MR. KOTTER! ALL RIGHT!
HEY EVERYBODY! HOW WE DOING?
WOULD YOU PUT THIS WITH
THE BRIDE'S PRESENTS?
NO PROBLEM.
THIS TOO. DON'T BREAK IT.
YEAH, BE VERY CAREFUL
WITH THAT, FREDDIE.
IT'S HARD TO REPLACE
THINGS YOU GET
OUT OF CEREAL BOXES.
GOSH, THERE SURE
ARE A LOT OF FLOWERS.
WHERE'D YOU GET THEM ALL?
I DON'T KNOW.
EPSTEIN WAS IN CHARGE OF THAT.
WHAT DO YOU THINK
OF THIS ONE HERE?
- IS ARNOLD READY?
- ALMOST.
WE'RE READY FOR
HIM TO STOP SHAKING
SO WE CAN BUTTON HIS SHIRT.
AW, THE POOR KID.
HONEY, WHY DON'T
YOU GO INSIDE AND HAVE
A LITTLE TALK WITH HIM?
MAYBE YOU CAN CALM HIM DOWN.
MY TALKS ALWAYS
PUT HIM TO SLEEP.
THAT'S REALLY CALMED DOWN.
I'LL TALK TO HIM.
HERE WE GO, ARNOLD.
KINDA NERVOUS, AREN'T YOU?
ARNOLD, WHEN I GOT
MARRIED, I WAS SO NERVOUS.
WHEN I SAID "I DO" IT
HAD 15 SYLLABLES IN IT.
YOU KNOW, GENERALLY I DON'T
BELIEVE IN TEENAGER MARRIAGES.
BUT I'LL TELL YOU
SOMETHING I DO BELIEVE IN.
I BELIEVE IN LOVE.
LOOK ARNOLD, YOU AND
MARY LOVE EACH OTHER.
AND EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE OKAY.
ARNOLD, WHAT'S THE
MATTER WITH YOU?
YOU TIED MY TIE TOO TIGHT.
I'LL LOOSEN IT UP A LITTLE BIT.
HEY, THEY'RE ALL SET JUAN.
- START THE MUSIC.
- SURE.
MR. MUSIC, IF YOU PLEASE.
♪
♪
JUAN, DIDN'T YOU GET A MINISTER?
OH, MR. REVEREND.
♪
DEARLY BELOVED.
WE HAVE GATHERED
HERE TOGETHER TO JOIN
THESE TWO PEOPLE IN MATRIMONY.
IF THERE IS ANYONE HERE
WHO CAN SHOW JUST CAUSE
WHY THESE TWO SHOULD
NOT BE JOINED TOGETHER,
LET HIM SPEAK NOW OR
FOREVER HOLD HIS PEACE.
DO YOU MARY TAKE ARNOLD
TO BE YOUR LAWFULLY
WEDDED HUSBAND?
I DO.
DO YOU ARNOLD TAKE
MARY TO BE YOUR LAWFULLY
WEDDED WIFE?
I DO.
THE RING, PLEASE.
RING!
RING!
RING!
YOU RANG?
HERE IT IS!
PLACE THE RING ON HER FINGER.
BY THE POWER VESTED IN
ME BY THE STATE OF NEW YORK
AND MUSICIANS LOCAL 802,
I NOW PRONOUNCE
YOU MAN AND WIFE.
NOW YOU MAY KISS THE BRIDE.
♪
WELL, MRS. HORSHACK, I
GUESS IT'S JUST YOU AND ME
FOREVER AND EVER.
THAT'S RIGHT, MR. HORSHACK.
FOREVER.
AND EVER.
AND EVER.
AND EVER.
SO WHAT'S FOR DINNER?
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YOU ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YOU ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WE ALWAYS COULD
SPOT A FRIEND ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ AND I SMILE WHEN I THINK
HOW YOU MUST'VE BEEN ♪
♪ AND I KNOW WHAT A SCENE
YOU WERE LEARNIN' IN ♪
♪ WAS THERE
SOMETHING THAT MADE YOU
COME BACK AGAIN ♪
♪ THEN WHAT COULD EVER LEAD YA ♪
♪ WHAT COULD EVER LEAD YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASE HIM A LOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ 'CAUSE WE GOT
HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME... ♪
- IT'S ARNOLD.
I THINK HE WAS OUT
WITH MARY JOHNSON
AGAIN LAST NIGHT.
HERE'S $15 FOR LAST NIGHT.
HEY, THAT'S NOT BAD CONSIDERING
WE STARTED SO LATE.
WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER HERE
FOR FOUR OR FIVE NIGHTS
IN A ROW NOW.
WE HAD A LOT TO GET DONE.
IT'S ALMOST AS IF WE
WAS GOING STEADY.
FOR YOUR INFORMATION
I'VE BEEN GOING STEADY
WITH YOU FOR SOME TIME NOW.
HOW COME I'M ALWAYS
THE LAST TO KNOW?
OH, ARNOLD, I LOVE YOU.
BUT WHY AM I BEING TRANSFERRED?
OH, YOUR MOTHER SAYS
YOUR NEW FATHER SWIFTY
WANTS YOU ALL TO
LIVE IN HIS MOTOR HOME
BEHIND THE CASINO.
YOU MEAN TO SAY THAT
ME, MY BROTHER, MY SISTERS
ARE ALL GONNA HAVE
TO LEAVE BROOKLYN?
ISN'T THAT WONDERFUL?
I CAN'T DO THAT.
I'M NOT GONNA LEAVE.
AND NAPOLEON DIED
ON THE SMALL ISLAND
OF ST. HELENA IN THE YEAR 1821.
DOES ANYBODY HAVE
ANY QUESTIONS FOR MARY
ON HER REPORT?
WAS NAPOLEON
HAPPY IN ST. HELENA?
HE WAS PROBABLY VERY UNHAPPY,
BECAUSE HE DIDN'T
WANT TO BE THERE.
MAYBE HE JUST DIDN'T
TRY HARD ENOUGH
TO STAY WHERE HE WANTED TO BE.
BUT HE MUST'VE KNOWN
THAT I DIDN'T WANT
HIM TO GO AWAY.
YOU GUYS GOT THE SAME
BOOK AS EVERYBODY ELSE DOES?
IT AIN'T IN MY BOOK.
WHAT WOULD NAPOLEON
DO IF HE DIDN'T GO
TO ATLANTIC CITY?
CERTAIN THINGS HAS TO
FIGURE OUT FOR HIMSELF.
I HAVE ONE LAST QUESTION
FOR YOU, MARY JOHNSON.
YES, YOUR HIGHNESS?
WILL YOU MARRY ME?
YES.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT!
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪♪
ANY SIGN OF HORSHACK YET?
NO, YOU KNOW MAN, I REALLY HOPE
THEY AREN'T CHICKENING
OUT TO COME TO HIS OWN
BACHELOR PARTY.
HERE HE COMES! HERE HE COMES!
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
COME ON, COME ON!
JUAN, YOU GET READY!
COME ON, GET READY!
- COME ON!
- COME ON, JUST GET IN.
GET INSIDE!
I GOT YOU.
ALL RIGHT.
WHAT IS THIS STUFF ANYWAY, MAN?
IMITATION WILD CHERRY SODA
WITH GARLIC AND OLIVE OIL.
IT WAS VINNIE'S SPAGHETTI PIE.
IT'S THE ONLY
THING I COULD FIND.
ANYBODY AT HOME?
COME ON, ARNOLD,
WE'RE HAVING YOUR
BACHELOR PARTY!
WHERE... WHERE'S
JUAN AND VINNIE?
JUAN WILL BE HERE IN A MINUTE
AND VINNIE CALLED, SAID
HE HAS TO WORK LATE.
YEAH, BUT FORGET
ABOUT THEM, ARNOLD,
'CAUSE TODAY IS YOUR
DAY, YOU GET A GOOD GRIP
ON THAT PUNCH, ALL RIGHT?
ARNOLD, HERE'S TO YOU!
MAY YOU DO BETTER
ON YOUR HONEYMOON
THAN YOU DID IN ALGEBRA!
UGH.
THIS CHERRY SODA'S GREAT.
IT NEEDS A LITTLE MORE GARLIC.
ANYWAY, ARNOLD, SOON
YOU'RE GONNA BE MARRIED,
SO THAT DOESN'T LEAVE
MUCH TIME TO HAVE SOME FUN.
OH YEAH, ARNOLD, YOU SEE, UM,
WE FIGURE THAT, UM,
THAT WE WAS GONNA
PROVIDE YOU WITH SOME
FEMALE COMPANIONSHIP
ON YOUR LAST DAYS OF FREEDOM,
SO WE TOOK THE
LIBERTY TO BORROW YOUR
LITTLE BLACK BOOK.
WE WERE GONNA CALL
UP A COUPLE OF YOUR
OLD GIRLFRIENDS.
THERE WERE ONLY
TWO NUMBERS IN THERE.
YEAH, MAN, ONE WAS
THUMB SUCKERS HOTLINE.
THE OTHER ONE WAS THE
EMERGENCY NIGHTLIGHT SERVICE.
OH, I GET IT!
THIS IS JUST LIKE A
ARNOLD HORSHACK ROAST.
I LOVE IT!
I DON'T KNOW IF WE'RE
GONNA ROAST YOU, ARNOLD,
BUT WE GOT SOMETHING
HERE THAT'S GONNA GET
YOUR BLOOD BOILING.
OOOH, YEAH BOY!
- I'M OKAY.
- WE GOT YOU.
OKAY, STAND BY WITH THAT MUSIC.
HERE, ARNOLD
HORSHACK, THE INCREDIBLE,
THE LOVELY, THE STUPENDOUS,
BOMBSHELL OF
BROOKLYN, MISS JUANITA.
♪
THIS IS SO FUNNY!
HOW DID YOU GUYS THINK THIS UP?
WE JUST THOUGHT WE'D
HAVE A FEW LAUGHS.
YOU KNOW, THIS IS THE
LAST TIME WE'RE GONNA
ALL BE BACHELORS
TOGETHER, YOU KNOW?
YEAH, YOU KNOW?
AFTER SIX MONTHS
OF MARRIAGE TO YOU,
I THINK MARY WILL
BE ON EASY STREET...
SCRUBBING BRICKS.
I CAN TAKE CARE OF MARY.
SURE, YOU CAN BUY HER A
NEW BUCKET EVERY MONTH.
LISTEN, MARY AND
I GOT BIG PLANS.
OH YEAH?
MY SISTER HAD BIG PLANS
WHEN SHE GOT MARRIED
IN HIGH SCHOOL.
IT WAS A GOOD THING
HER HUSBAND HAS A CAR,
'CAUSE NOW THEY'RE LIVING IN IT.
MARY AND I GOT A
NICE PLACE TO LIVE,
WE GOT A GOOD JOB,
AND MARY'S VERY GOOD
AROUND THE HOUSE.
YEAH, UH-HUH, BUT CAN SHE COOK?
YEAH, SURE.
YEAH, UH-HUH, BUT CAN SHE COOK
WITHOUT FOOD?
YEAH, WE'LL SEE HOW
GOOD SHE CAN COOK
WHEN SHE HAS TO
BOIL THE SAME CHICKEN
THREE DAYS IN A ROW.
HEY, COME HERE
JUAN, YOU BE THE CHICK.
COME HERE.
I'M YOU ARNOLD, RIGHT?
CHECK IT OUT.
HELLO MARY!
I'M HOME!
BRING ANY FOOD?
NO.
BUT I BROUGHT YOU MY HEART.
THROW IT IN THE POT, IT'S
THE CHICKEN'S DAY OFF.
SO YOU MEAN TO TELL
ME THAT JUAN REALLY
DRESSED UP LIKE A
GIRL AT ARNOLD'S PARTY?
YEAH, YOU SHOULD'VE SEEN HIM!
YEAH, YEAH, I MAKE A
REAL GOOD LOOKING GIRL.
YEAH, I DON'T DOUBT IT.
THREE SAILORS CAME TO OUR HOUSE
LOOKING FOR YOU LAST NIGHT.
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
OH, THE GUYS WERE JUST
TELLING US ABOUT ARNOLD'S
BACHELOR PARTY.
OH, I HOPE SOMEBODY TOLD
HIM WHAT A MISTAKE IT IS
GETTING MARRIED WHILE
HE'S STILL IN SCHOOL.
I'D TELL HIM, BUT
IN HIS CONDITION
IT'S LIKE TELLING BILLY CARTER
TO KEEP HIS MOUTH SHUT.
WHERE IS ARNOLD NOW?
HOME CRAMMING
FOR HIS BLOOD TEST?
HA-HA-HA-HA!
MR. WOODMAN, WHY
ARE YOU SO CRUEL?
AFTER ALL, THEY
SAID THEY'LL NAME
THEIR FIRST CHILD AFTER YOU.
WELL, I WOULDN'T MIND,
THAT KID'S GONNA BE FAMOUS.
THAT'LL BE THE FIRST HORSHACK
BORN IN CAPTIVITY.
HA-HA-HA-HA!
HE'S JUST JEALOUS,
I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
SEE YOU LATER.
WELL, GENTLEMEN, ARE
YOU GONNA COME INSIDE
AND JOIN ME OR DO YOU
EXPECT THE KNOWLEDGE
TO SEEP OUT UNDER THE DOOR?
NOT ME, IF I GO IN
BEFORE THE BELL RINGS,
I GET A NOSE BLEED.
HEY YO, MARY, MARY, MARY.
DID YOU HEAR ABOUT
THAT BACHELOR PARTY
THAT WE GAVE FOR ARNOLD?
ARNOLD'S GONE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE'S GONE?
- WE SAW HIM LAST NIGHT.
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
HE JUST LEFT.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT
HAPPENED TO HIM.
DID HE SAY ANYTHING
BEFORE HE SPLIT?
HE LEFT A NOTE.
BUT I DON'T
UNDERSTAND ANY OF IT.
"DEAR MARY.
I'LL BE BACK WHEN I
CAN TAKE CARE OF YOU.
I DON'T WANT... I DON'T
WANT YOU SCRUBBING BRICKS.
I DON'T WANT YOU
COOKING WITHOUT FOOD.
NO CHICKEN SHOULD BE
BOILED MORE THAN ONCE."
MARY, DID ARNOLD
LEAVE ANY KIND OF CLUES
AROUND AT ALL?
HEY LOOK, MARY, DO YOU
MIND IF WE CHECK AROUND...
I MEAN, IF WE LOOK AROUND
THE PLACE AND STUFF?
WE MIGHT FIND SOMETHING
THAT COULD BE A CLUE
TO HELP US FIND HIM.
YOU KNOW, A CASE LIKE
THIS, YOU NEVER CAN TELL.
MIGHT BE ABLE TO FIND A ROAD MAP
OR A BUS TICKET,
OR A SUICIDE NOTE.
SHHH.
HE COULDN'T HAVE GONE FAR,
HE ONLY HAD ABOUT 50 CENTS.
COME ON, MARY, LOOK.
IN MY DAY, I GO ALL THE
WAY TO CONEY ISLAND,
HAVE A REAL GOOD TIME
FOR LESS THAN 50 CENTS.
YEAH, BUT YOU WERE TRAVELING
WITH AN ORGAN GRINDER.
WE CAN STOP LOOKING.
CHECK IT OUT!
WHAT DO YA GOT, FREDDIE?
LOOK AT THIS, YOU SEE WHERE THIS
NEWSPAPER WAS
OPENED UP TO, RIGHT?
WELL, OBVIOUSLY ARNOLD
WAS GONNA CHECK OUT
ONE OF THESE ADS.
FREDDIE, I THINK YOU
PUT YOUR FINGER ON IT
RIGHT OVER THERE.
ARNOLD HORSHACK HAS
GONE AND JOINED THE MARINES.
EXCUSE ME.
I'M LOOKING FOR
A FRIEND OF MINE.
YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A
FRIEND OF YOURS, WHAT?
I'M LOOKING FOR A
FRIEND OF MINE, ARNOLD.
I'M LOOKING FOR A
FRIEND OF MINE, SIR!
OH, YOU TOO?
WELL, MAYBE WE CAN
JUST LOOK TOGETHER.
HEY MAN, WHAT'S HAPPENING,
WHAT'S HAPPENING?
IS THIS THE PLACE WHERE
YOU HIRING THEM PEOPLES
TO GO WORK IN ALASKA?
CAN'T YOU READ, KID?
SIGN SAYS "MEN WANTED."
I CAN SEE IT SAYS... WAIT
A MINUTE, JUST HOLD ON!
HEY, LOOK JUNIOR.
JUST COME BACK WHEN YOU GROW UP.
HEY LOOK, MAN, I'M
TALKING TO YOU BABY.
YOU THINK YOU BAD,
YOU GONNA SAY THAT
IN FRONT OF MY FACE.
YEAH, UM, I AIN'T LOOKING
FOR THE JOB FOR ME.
SEE, I WAS LOOKING FOR
A GOOD FRIEND OF MINE,
A REAL GOOD FRIEND OF MINE.
- A FRIEND OF YOURS?
- THAT'S RIGHT!
WELL, UH, WHY DON'T YOU CHECK
UNDER SOME OF THESE ROCKS.
YOUR MAMA LIVES UNDER
ONE OF THEM ROCKS.
AHH!
IT SAYS YOU'RE REALLY
GREAT AT FINDING
MISSING PEOPLE.
MY FRIEND, I AM THE
BEST IN THE WORLD.
OKAY, PLEASE, HAVE A SEAT.
YOU'LL FIND ANYBODY
ANYWHERE FOR $25?
YOU'RE REALLY THAT GOOD?
WOULD YOU LIKE TO
SEE A LIST OF THE PEOPLE
I HAVE FOUND?
WOULD IT MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER?
IT WOULD? BECAUSE I DON'T MIND.
NORMALLY, I WOULD NOT DO THIS,
FOR YOU, I DON'T...
I DON'T MIND.
WELL, IT'S AROUND HERE.
IT IS DEFINITELY AROUND HERE.
I WILL FIND IT LATER, ALL RIGHT?
NOW, WHO IS IT EXACTLY
THAT YOU ARE LOOKING FOR?
HIS NAME IS ARNOLD HORSHACK.
THIS IS IMPORTANT, I
MUST WRITE THIS DOWN.
ALL I NEED IS A PENCIL.
JUST A PENCIL TO
WRITE THIS DOWN,
AND WE'RE ON OUR WAY.
NOW, I DON'T HAVE
TO WRITE IT DOWN.
I HAVE A MIND LIKE A STEEL TRAP.
BUT FIRST, WHAT I MUST
DO IS CALL THE AIRPORTS,
THE BUS TERMINALS, AND SO ON.
NOW, I HAVE THESE NUMBERS
IN MY TELEPHONE BOOK.
I HAD IT HERE.
I SAW IT WHEN
I... DON'T HAVE IT.
I WILL CALL INFORMATION.
YOU WOULDN'T HAPPEN TO
HAVE A TELEPHONE ON YOU,
WOULD YOU?
I'M JOKING, I'M JOKING.
I KNEW FOR A SECOND THERE.
SOMETIMES I DO THESE
THINGS, I'M SORRY.
- I'M LEAVING.
- NO, PLEASE!
I HAVE A PHONE, I
REMEMBER, I GOT THE BILL.
I REMEMBER, SO I
KNOW I HAVE A PHONE.
AND IT IS AROUND HERE, SOME...
WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL.
LO AND BEHOLD.
HERE I FOUND THAT
LIST OF PEOPLE I WAS
TELLING YOU ABOUT.
NO, THIS IS NOT THE
LIST OF THOSE PEOPLE,
THIS IS THE LIST OF THE
PEOPLE THAT ARE COMING
TO MY BIRTHDAY
PARTY... LAST NIGHT.
LOOK, I CAN SEE YOU'RE
ALL UPSET AND EVERYTHING.
I'M GONNA GO AHEAD
AND GET GOING.
BUT FIRST, I INSIST,
FOR COMING HERE
AND YOUR TROUBLE, I
WANT YOU TO HAVE A CARD.
AND I WANT YOU TO FEEL FREE
TO CALL ME ANY TIME.
I THINK I'VE GOT YOUR NUMBER.
YOU DO?
WOULD YOU GIVE IT TO ME, PLEASE?
THANK YOU, THIS IS
VERY HANDY TO HAVE.
YOUNG MAN, YOUNG
MAN, I WANT TO THANK YOU
FOR COMING IN AND
SEEING ME TODAY.
WHENEVER YOU ARE
IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD,
9 TO 5 THE DOOR IS ALWAYS OPEN.
MAY I HELP YOU?
HEY LOOK, MARY, WE SORRY, MAN.
WE CHECKED EVERYWHERE
AND WE COULDN'T FIND...
AIN'T THAT RIGHT, Y'ALL?
DON'T WORRY, GUYS,
IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT.
- YES IT WAS.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
WE DID SOMETHING VERY ROTTEN.
WHAT?
REMEMBER WHEN WE
HAD THAT BACHELOR PARTY
AND EVERYTHING?
WELL, WE JUST KINDA
KIDDED ARNOLD ABOUT
HOW BAD MARRIAGE IS.
YEAH, YOU KNOW, WE
WERE JUST KIDDERS, MARY.
IT JUST ROLLS OFF
OUR BACKS, YOU KNOW?
YEAH, I KID EPSTEIN
ABOUT HIS LOCKER,
I KID FREDDIE ABOUT
HIS LOUSY BASKETBALL...
WE DO IT ALL THE TIME...
WILL YOU STOP IT AND
TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED?
LOOK MARY, UM, WE
FOUND OUT THAT THERE'S
SOME THINGS YOU JUST
DON'T KID ABOUT, YOU KNOW?
LIKE MARRIAGE.
OR FUNERALS, OR
EXECUTIONS, OR... LEPROSY.
SO THAT'S WHAT ARNOLD
WAS TALKING ABOUT
IN THAT NOTE?
THE JOKES YOU
WERE PLAYING ON HIM?
DIDN'T YOU REALIZE
THAT ARNOLD WAS
SENSITIVE ABOUT
ALL THESE THINGS?
MARY, WE JUST WEREN'T THINKING.
YEAH, SOMETIMES
WE'RE GOOD AT THAT.
HEY LOOK, MARY, WE DIDN'T WANNA
FOUL THINGS UP.
WE WAS GONNA THROW
YOU THE BIGGEST PARTY
THAT BROOKLYN'S EVER SEEN.
IS THIS WHERE THE
PAPER WAS OPEN TO
WHEN YOU FOUND IT?
YEAH, WE CHECKED
EVERY POSSIBLE LEAD.
BUT HOW ABOUT THIS PAGE?
OH MARY, THAT'S JUST
A BUNCH OF MOVIE ADS.
GO AHEAD WITH THE WEDDING PLANS.
I THINK I KNOW WHERE HE IS.
HIJACKINGS.
BANK ROBBERIES.
♪
KEEP CLEAR!
ARNOLD?
KEEP CLEAR!
ARNOLD?
- MARY!
- ARNOLD!
WILL YOU SHUT UP?
ARNOLD, WHY DID YOU RUN AWAY?
BECAUSE THE GUYS
WERE RIGHT. POPCORN?
IF I MARRIED YOU, YOU'D
BE SCRUBBING FLOORS
FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE TRYING
TO MAKE ENDS MEET.
THE GUYS WERE ONLY KIDDING YOU.
RIGHT NOW, THEY'RE
OUT PLANNING A BEAUTIFUL
WEDDING FOR US.
THEY REALLY?
THEY'RE THE BEST FRIENDS
ANYBODY COULD ASK FOR.
- YEAH, BUT I STILL THINK...
- SHHH!
I STILL CAN'T GIVE YOU ALL
THE THINGS YOU NEED, MARY.
DO YOU THINK I EXPECT
YOU TO GIVE ME THINGS?
WELL, SURE.
IF I'M YOUR HUSBAND, I'M
SUPPOSED TO PROVIDE FOR YOU.
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?
SIT OUT ON THE PORCH
AND COUNT BALD EAGLES?
WHAT?
ARNOLD, YOU'RE NOT
SUPPOSED TO GIVE ME ANYTHING.
WE'RE GONNA WORK
FOR EVERYTHING WE NEED.
TOGETHER.
NO, THE GUYS WERE RIGHT,
THIS MARRIAGE IS GONNA
BE A BIG MISTAKE.
I KNOW MRS. HORSHACK
CAN HANDLE ANY PROBLEMS
THAT COME ALONG.
HOW ABOUT MR. HORSHACK?
WELL, SURE.
AS LONG AS HE HAS MRS.
HORSHACK BY HIS SIDE.
HE WILL, ARNOLD.
♪
YOU KNOW SOMETHING?
YOU'RE TERRIFIC.
♪
HEY, MR. WOODMAN!
WHAT'S HAPPENIN'?! ALL RIGHT!
HEY, GOOD TO SEE YOU.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
WELL, I'VE NEVER SEEN A
SWEAT HOG GET MARRIED,
AND I LOVE FREAK SHOWS.
HEY, MRS. KOTTER! ALL RIGHT!
HEY YOU, MR. KOTTER! ALL RIGHT!
HEY EVERYBODY! HOW WE DOING?
WOULD YOU PUT THIS WITH
THE BRIDE'S PRESENTS?
NO PROBLEM.
THIS TOO. DON'T BREAK IT.
YEAH, BE VERY CAREFUL
WITH THAT, FREDDIE.
IT'S HARD TO REPLACE
THINGS YOU GET
OUT OF CEREAL BOXES.
GOSH, THERE SURE
ARE A LOT OF FLOWERS.
WHERE'D YOU GET THEM ALL?
I DON'T KNOW.
EPSTEIN WAS IN CHARGE OF THAT.
WHAT DO YOU THINK
OF THIS ONE HERE?
- IS ARNOLD READY?
- ALMOST.
WE'RE READY FOR
HIM TO STOP SHAKING
SO WE CAN BUTTON HIS SHIRT.
AW, THE POOR KID.
HONEY, WHY DON'T
YOU GO INSIDE AND HAVE
A LITTLE TALK WITH HIM?
MAYBE YOU CAN CALM HIM DOWN.
MY TALKS ALWAYS
PUT HIM TO SLEEP.
THAT'S REALLY CALMED DOWN.
I'LL TALK TO HIM.
HERE WE GO, ARNOLD.
KINDA NERVOUS, AREN'T YOU?
ARNOLD, WHEN I GOT
MARRIED, I WAS SO NERVOUS.
WHEN I SAID "I DO" IT
HAD 15 SYLLABLES IN IT.
YOU KNOW, GENERALLY I DON'T
BELIEVE IN TEENAGER MARRIAGES.
BUT I'LL TELL YOU
SOMETHING I DO BELIEVE IN.
I BELIEVE IN LOVE.
LOOK ARNOLD, YOU AND
MARY LOVE EACH OTHER.
AND EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE OKAY.
ARNOLD, WHAT'S THE
MATTER WITH YOU?
YOU TIED MY TIE TOO TIGHT.
I'LL LOOSEN IT UP A LITTLE BIT.
HEY, THEY'RE ALL SET JUAN.
- START THE MUSIC.
- SURE.
MR. MUSIC, IF YOU PLEASE.
♪
♪
JUAN, DIDN'T YOU GET A MINISTER?
OH, MR. REVEREND.
♪
DEARLY BELOVED.
WE HAVE GATHERED
HERE TOGETHER TO JOIN
THESE TWO PEOPLE IN MATRIMONY.
IF THERE IS ANYONE HERE
WHO CAN SHOW JUST CAUSE
WHY THESE TWO SHOULD
NOT BE JOINED TOGETHER,
LET HIM SPEAK NOW OR
FOREVER HOLD HIS PEACE.
DO YOU MARY TAKE ARNOLD
TO BE YOUR LAWFULLY
WEDDED HUSBAND?
I DO.
DO YOU ARNOLD TAKE
MARY TO BE YOUR LAWFULLY
WEDDED WIFE?
I DO.
THE RING, PLEASE.
RING!
RING!
RING!
YOU RANG?
HERE IT IS!
PLACE THE RING ON HER FINGER.
BY THE POWER VESTED IN
ME BY THE STATE OF NEW YORK
AND MUSICIANS LOCAL 802,
I NOW PRONOUNCE
YOU MAN AND WIFE.
NOW YOU MAY KISS THE BRIDE.
♪
WELL, MRS. HORSHACK, I
GUESS IT'S JUST YOU AND ME
FOREVER AND EVER.
THAT'S RIGHT, MR. HORSHACK.
FOREVER.
AND EVER.
AND EVER.
AND EVER.
SO WHAT'S FOR DINNER?
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YOU ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YOU ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WE ALWAYS COULD
SPOT A FRIEND ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ AND I SMILE WHEN I THINK
HOW YOU MUST'VE BEEN ♪
♪ AND I KNOW WHAT A SCENE
YOU WERE LEARNIN' IN ♪
♪ WAS THERE
SOMETHING THAT MADE YOU
COME BACK AGAIN ♪
♪ THEN WHAT COULD EVER LEAD YA ♪
♪ WHAT COULD EVER LEAD YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASE HIM A LOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ 'CAUSE WE GOT
HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME... ♪